SAN FRANCISCO — Free, online encyclopedia Wikipedia has released a new banner announcing that the reference site will be forced to execute hostages if their recent fundraising demands are not met.
“Wikipedia is still not for sale,” said founder Jimmy Wales as he struggled with the safety lever on his AK47 and gestured to the blindfolded figure kneeling on the floor in front of him.
“But we depend on small donors, and time is running out for you to save this one. If this man’s life is worth at least $2.75 to you, consider joining the two percent of users who donate. Our year-end fundraiser will be over soon, and then there will be no hostages left to rescue.”
Some Wikipedia users characterized the website’s fundraising tactics as desperate.
“I just gave them fifty bucks in September, and they’re already asking for more money? It feels like they’re always hounding me for cash,” said Seth Hubbard.
“I mean, sure, they are an ad-free repository of the sum of mankind’s knowledge, and they did return my son to me practically unharmed after they received my wire transfer, but they have to realize that these constant demands only make them look needy. It really shakes my faith in them as an organization.”
Nonprofit watchdogs condemned the tone of Wikipedia’s fundraising outreach.
“There’s nothing wrong with a clear call-to-action, but direct threats of violence are unacceptable,” said Charity Navigator spokesperson Jenna Bower.
“Taking hostages and sending pictures of them to their family and the media should be enough to incite a significant bump in donations. The implied threat is sufficient, here. There’s no need for Mr. Wales to push the issue any further, especially when Wikipedia has enough cash reserves to continuously operate for several years, even if they received no further money from donors.”
At press time, Wikipedia users reported a new pop-up that appeared to show a censored picture of a corpse above text reading, “A direct appeal from the next hostage.”
MIDDLE EARTH — Local hermit Gollum credited his pescetarian diet for his 500-year lifespan, nearly five times higher than that of a typical hobbit.
“The benefits of fish oil have been known by the wise for since the First Age, precious,” said Gollum. “The tricksy White Council doesn’t want you to know about it. Neither do the elves, who try to stuff you full of carbohydrates with their filthy lembas. They want to keep immortality all for themselves! Goll- I mean, Sméagol wouldn’t lie to you, precious. Sméagol only wants you to live forever! He only cares about being your friend.”
Some Middle Earth residents were receptive to Gollum’s message.
“I could swear that Merry and Pippin came back from their ‘journey’ taller than they used to be,” said Togo Proudfoot, a hobbit of the Shire. “There were rumors, you know. Folks saying that those two took a potion from the ents. A draught, of sorts. I don’t believe all of that, of course, but they must have taken some kind of supplement. Maybe they were actually just following Mr. Gollum’s health advice. I heard he was a guru for Mr. Bilbo when the latter was young, and he’s been living in comfort with the elves of Rivendell well past his eleventy-first birthday. It’s worth a try, anyway.”
Others were skeptical of the senescent halfling-creature’s claims.
“All of that fish talk is nonsense,” said Bertulf, a human resident of Bree. “It’s that magic ring he’s got, innit? That’s what’s giving him unnatural long life. Eating fish isn’t going to make you live forever. No, for that you’ve got to take up the Ranger Program. Eight weeks out in the woods with Aragorn’ll get you right. All them herbs and concoctions he shows you, those are the secret to immortality. I mean, look at him. He’s nearly 90 years old, and he looks a hell of a lot better than Gollum. I know who I trust.”
At press time, Gollum was seen scrambling into the Cracks of Doom, presumably to harvest lava fish.
NEW YORK — A newly remastered version of Martin Scorsese’s Taxi Driver will reveal the identity of the mysterious figure with whom the reflection of main character Travis Bickle was conversing, the revered filmmaker confirmed.
“This is how I always envisioned the scene. I just didn’t have the technology available to me at the time. When I was working with the visual artists who de-aged Robert DeNiro in The Irishman, I happened to run into George Lucas. We started talking about these new effects, and he reminded me that he had gone back and fixed his original Star Wars trilogy,” said Scorsese.
“That got me thinking about this scene, which never made sense to me in the existing cut. Travis Bickle is supposed to be crazy. He truly believes that his reflection was trying to talk to him. In the new version, it will be clear that Travis’ mirror-self was actually talking to the other guy in the apartment, who we now get to see.”
Fans of the revered filmmaker were not happy to hear about the proposed change.
“I can’t believe that Scorsese would betray us like this,” said Josh Duffy, who noted that he watches Taxi Driver at least once a week.
“It’s his original vision that we fell in love with. I thought we had a connection. I realize now how much he’s just like the others, cold and distant, and many people are like that. Directors for sure. They’re like a union. It almost makes me want to shoot up a brothel.”
Despite the negative fan reaction, the special effects artists hired by Scorsese were thrilled to work with him.
“This was my best work experience, bar none. Normally directors are so imperious and demanding, and they keep coming back with new requests every time you think you’ve finished the scene,” said Pat Newman, a computer graphics artist who worked on the remaster.
“All these Marvel projects I’ve worked on are always so taxing, everything rushed. With Marty, it was a collaborative process. Very naturalistic. As he would say, it’s nice to work on real cinema and not those fluff theme park movies. He got our absolute best work because he really listened to us. I hope I get to work with him again.”
At press time, Scorsese was reportedly contemplating making similar updates to his other movies, such as adding clown makeup to Joe Pesci’s Tommy Devito character in Goodfellas.
Mario Kart 8 released in 2014 on the Wii U with the standard 32 tracks – 16 new and 16 returning “retro” tracks – split across 8 cups. Two waves of DLC were released for the Wii U version of the game, each bringing an additional eight tracks, bringing the total up to 48.
Mario Kart 8 was then ported to the Nintendo Switch in 2017 as Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, packaging the original game with all of its DLC, seemingly as a complete and definitive version of the game. That is until early 2022, when Nintendo announced the Booster Course Pass. This new DLC would bring 12 additional cups to the game across six waves, spread out over almost two years.
Now that the final wave of DLC is out, there are a lot of tracks in Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. Like, entirely too many. Ninety-six of them, to be precise. Your friends are only going to put up with losing to you so many times in a row, so you need to know which tracks to play and which to skip. That’s why I spent the last 17 hours of my life playing and ranking every single one, to see which ones come out on top. This is the official Hard Drive Mario Kart 8 Deluxe track tier list.
F – Tier
The tracks in F-Tier are the ones no true gamer would reasonably enjoy playing. They’re almost all either real city tracks from Tour, or “tutorial tracks” that are mainly to ease new players into the mechanics of their respective games. The real city tracks can certainly be entertaining to look at, but get old quick.
#96 – Tour Paris Promenade
I don’t really like any of the tracks based on real cities. They all share the same gimmick of changing the track layout each lap, but I don’t find that very interesting when the tracks themselves are boring in the first place. Paris Promenade ranks lowest on the list because it has the least variation of them all, leaving you with a pretty bland circuit that you drive backwards on the third lap.
#95 – Tour Tokyo Blur
Every single Lap in Tokyo Blur feels the exact same, and it’s 60% freeway. The environment is pretty, so it ranks higher than Paris, but not by much.
Maybe deep down I don’t even like leaving my house I don’t know – but these tracks don’t do it for me.
#94 – SNES Donut Plains 3
Donut Plains 3 is visually very pretty, but not all too fun to race on. The environment is completely flat, and the somewhat thin bridges are the only real obstacles, if you can even call them that.
#93 – SNES Mario Circuit 3
Another SNES Track, Mario Circuit 3 has all of the same problems: a flat, bland track that is visually very samey throughout, with very little interesting about it.
#92.5 – That One Mario Odyssey Moon With the RC Car
While not technically present in Mario Kart 8, this moon took so many attempts for me to finally get that it earns a place on this list out of respect.
#92 – Tour Madrid Drive
Madrid Drive is another city track, but it has a little more going for it than Paris did. Driving through the stadium and avoiding the giant wiggler bring in obstacles not present in some of the other city tracks, but it still suffers from being pretty flat.
#91 – Tour Los Angeles Laps
Los Angeles Laps is the next city track, and it gets points over the others for being more visually varied. Each lap actually takes you through different environments, from the beach to the city proper, and finally to a POS oil field, just like the real Los Angeles.
#90 – GBA Mario Circuit
At first glance GBA Mario Circuit appears to one up the previous two tracks from the SNES by not being completely flat, but don’t be fooled. While one corner of the track is lifted into the air to make use of the anti-gravity mechanic, it makes no difference in actual gameplay. At least it gives the illusion of verticality.
#89 – Tour Singapore Speedway
Gliding up to and driving across the big hotel in Singapore Speedway is fun, and I like the nighttime aesthetic. For some reason I can never remember any other part of this track, so it can’t rank all that high.
#88 – Tour Bangkok Rush
Bangkok Rush is slightly better than some of the previous city tracks for implementing more verticality via the pedestrian walkways, and I like the tight spiral of the parking garage in lap three that ends with bouncing across the roofs of market stalls.
#87 – Tour London Loop
If this game were at all realistic there would be 7000 more cars on the road, and you’d have to stop every 15 seconds for a tourist to stand in the street unsure of how to get to the giant clock tower that’s right in front of them. The track is fine, I guess.
#86 – Tour Sydney Sprint
Several long curves and wide straightaways make it ideal to chain drifts together in Sydney Sprint, but like most city tracks, it’s nothing special.
#85 – Tour New York Minute
While one of the more visually interesting city tracks, New York Minute is still not really fun to play. I understand that these are based on real cities, but none of them really utilize the main mechanic of Mario Kart 8, the anti-gravity. It also would’ve been more interesting to have a New Donk City track, if you ask me.
#84 – Tour Berlin Byways
Jesus, how many more of these city tracks are there? The track is nothing special, but the Berlin wall being partially made out of whomps has some concerning implications about the whomps’ political standings.
#83 – 3DS Toad Circuit
Toad Circuit is just another introductory course, but the giant toad balloons haunt my dreams and told me if I ranked this any lower it would end badly for me.
D – Tier
D-Tier tracks are generally fine, but not ones I would often pick myself. Either they’re just generally not too interesting, or rely too heavily on a gimmick that feels underdeveloped.
#82 – Tour Athens Dash
Athens Dash contains almost none of the actual city, and is far better for it. Being entirely set within the ruins means it takes some more liberties, introducing far more verticality than any previous city track. The rolling boulders in lap 3 are an actual obstacle, which is always nice.
#81 – GBA Sunset Wilds
Sunset wilds, like many other SNES and GBA tracks, is very flat. That is certainly to its detriment, but the second to last corner has shy guys dancing with their pickaxes as they mine for… whatever it is they mine for, and I don’t have it in my heart to rank the course any lower for their sake.
#80 – Tour Amsterdam Drift
The underwater and countryside sections of Amsterdam Drift make each lap feel much more distinct from one another than in many of the other city courses.
#79 – DS Mario Circuit
DS Mario Circuit is a relatively plain track, but plenty of mushroom shortcut opportunities and the fireball shooting piranha plants on the third turn bump it up quite a few ranks.
#78 – Tour Vancouver Velocity
Vancouver Velocity actually makes use of anti-gravity for the suspension bridge in lap one, which makes it automatically better than nearly every other city track. You also get to drive through a hockey rink occupied by a bunch of shy guys spinning around, who would probably make for a better team than the Canucks.
#77 – Excitebike Arena
Excitebike Arena is just a oval. The jumps are fun for chaining boosts, but there’s little else going for it.
#76 – GCN Yoshi Circuit
Perhaps unsurprisingly, Yoshi Circuit is a track shaped like yoshi. It’s a cute idea, but severely limits the track design. It’s very flat the whole way through, but some tight corners around the back of yoshi’s head add a little bit of challenge, though not much. It’s also a double dash track, which drops it down at least two tiers.
#75 – Twisted Mansion
Twisted Mansion should have been a Luigi’s Mansion track instead of just a generic ghost house. So much more could have been done with the anti-gravity and twisting floors, but what’s there is definitely interesting.
#74 – GBA Cheese Land
About 68% of the population is some level of lactose intolerant, meaning that Cheese Land cannot statistically rank any higher than D tier. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
C – Tier
Nearly every C-Tier track has an interesting theme that should have been explored further. They’re either visually great or great to drive on, but not too much of both.
#73 – Tour Rome Avanti
Rome Avanti is my favorite of the city tracks. The spiral around the colosseum is fun, and driving through it in lap three and avoiding the chain chomps is a nice touch. It’s also got a great visual style, with an overcast nighttime skybox with the track lit primarily by street lamps.
#72 – SNES Bowser Castle 3
The lava falls surrounding the track and the fireballs shooting over it make Bowser Castle 3 visually far more interesting than most other SNES tracks, and there’s far more verticality added as well.
#71 – Ice Ice Outpost
Ice Ice Outpost could have been great. The ice surrounding the track is melting and falling into the water throughout the race, but the actual track isn’t ice at all, and stays the same throughout the race. The track technically splits in two at several points, but both paths remain parallel the entire time and might as well be one track. You can trick off of the gap between them, but it would have been more interesting to have them diverge a little bit more.
#70 – Piranha Plant Cove
The sunken ruins aesthetic of Piranha Plant Cove is cool, but mostly abandoned in the third lap for a rather generic underwater setting.
#69 – Mario Circuit
Mario Circuit is shaped like a mobius strip, which is cool as hell and a perfect way to showcase the anti-gravity mechanics. The track itself isn’t all too special, but driving upside down and seeing the ground above you is certainly fun.
#68 – DS Shroom Ridge
Shroom Ridge has a cool concept, but it’s relatively short and that same concept is executed better in several other tracks present in the game.
#67 – GBA Riverside Park
Riverside Park isn’t anything special to race on, but it’s visually stunning and the music slaps so hard that I can’t rank it any lower than this.
#66 – Super Bell Subway
Super Bell Subway is a fine track, but I would’ve preferred if it had a more focused theme. The subway aesthetic is interesting but doesn’t do much to affect the race. The exact same track could have a totally different theme and not be any worse for it, which isn’t a good thing.
#65 – N64 Royal Raceway
Royal Raceway is just a beautiful track. There are cherry blossoms along the middle third of the track, you race around a lake filled with pedal boats in the form of swans, there are hot air balloons surrounding Peach’s castle. It’s a little plain to race on, but the visuals are spot on.
#64 – GCN Dry Dry Desert
Falling pillars becoming ramps to boost off of and a giant sinkhole in the middle of the track make Dry Dry Desert a relatively dynamic track, but I wish more had been done with it. The oasis is a nice visual touch, though.
#63 – Bowser’s Castle
Bowser’s castle is full of stage hazards, as any self respecting evil lair should be. The centerpiece of the track is a giant bowser statue made of lava and rocks that punches the track, sending out ripples you can trick off of for a boost. I just wish it was a little bit longer, or did a little bit more with the anti-gravity.
#62 – Electrodome
Electrodome is a music themed track, but I feel like the track itself could have done more to reflect that. It’s visually fantastic, and makes great use of anti-gravity, but the two aspects could have interacted a little bit more to make a truly amazing track.
#61 – Merry Mountain
Merry Mountain has you racing up a Christmas themed mountain, before barreling down a straightaway back to the finish line. I love the theming of the track, but the second half of the track is just a giant ramp. Having a few more boost pads or jumps could have done a lot for this track.
#60 – Water Park
Water Park is a similar story to a lot of the other tracks in this tier. It has a great foundation, and the water park theme is great, but it should have leaned even further into it, with more anti-gravity following the roller coaster, and going between above and below the water at weird angles because of it.
B – Tier
B-Tier tracks have a well developed theme and visual style, and are fun to drive. None of them would be my first choices, but they have enough to them to feel more enjoyable than not.
#59 – Mario Kart Stadium
Mario Kart Stadium is certainly a simple track, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s bad. The visual of driving straight towards the ground with the anti-gravity is certainly unique, and the stadium environment is well realized.
#58 – Wii Daisy Circuit
Daisy Circuit is another track that gets bonus points for visuals. Racing around the statues and lighthouse is good fun, and the shortcut ramp is even better than in the original due to the addition of gliders.
#57 – GCN Daisy Cruiser
Daisy Cruiser is unfortunately another track from Double Dash. It’s really fun to race on, but it’s a huge safety hazard. The tables in the dining room are sliding all over the place, and I’m pretty sure driving through the pool of a cruise ship while guests are in it is illegal. Daisy really should be in prison for this.
#56 – Yoshi’s Island
Yoshi’s Island replicated the style of the original game remarkably well, and it’s fairly fun to race on as well. Nothing amazing, but certainly a fun track.
#55 – 3DS Rock Rock Mountain
I enjoy the long gliding sections in Rock Rock Mountain, and driving straight up the mountain with anti-gravity is cool. If the track were slightly more interesting than just being a rectangular loop, it would be a very good track.
#54 – Sky-High Sundae
Sky-High Sundae is full of ramps to boost off of and has a strong visual theme, but is held back by being another oval. Surely something else could have been done here. Turning left gets old after a while.
#53 – GBA Snow Land
Snow Land is another track that is carried by its visuals. The entire road is covered in shiny ice, and the background is made up of giant ice crystals. A strong mushroom cut after the third turn and the opportunity for very clean lines makes this a fun one to race on as well.
#52 – GBA Sky Garden
Sky Garden is a very short track with an interesting premise that could have been executed better. It can be pretty visually flat due to simplistic textures, and the general aesthetic isn’t enough to make up for that.
#51 – 3DS Rosalina’s Ice World
Rosalina’s Ice World is visually stunning, with a gorgeous skybox and amazing offroad detail. You can see planets from Super Mario Galaxy in the background, and the observatory is next to the finish line. The boost pads along the outside of the ice cave are a fun risk to take, but I wish the track did more with the bobsled-like halfpipe sections.
#50 – N64 Choco Mountain
Choco Mountain is a classic. Perfectly drifting around the long corners is incredibly satisfying, and the misty atmosphere is unique and interesting.
#49 – N64 Kalimari Desert
Kalimari Desert is just fun. There’s really nothing special about it, but it’s so much fun to play chicken with the train on laps 2 and 3.
#48 – Wii Wario’s Gold Mine
Wario’s Gold Mine is another amazing looking track. The entire road is made up of minecart tracks, and you’re surrounded by a mining town built into the cliffside. It could have a little more to the track itself, though.
#47 – DS Wario Stadium
Wario is clearly using Wario Stadium as a way to launder his riches, which actually come from his extremely illegal gold mine. No matter what it’s for, it’s definitely fun to race on, with a lot of boost pads and jumps to keep the speed high.
#46 – DS Cheep Cheep Beach
The thin sandbar in the middle of the track can get chaotic in races, which is exactly what Mario Kart is made for. The boardwalk that makes up the first turn isn’t quite as visually appealing as the beach that the rest of the track is made up of, but it’s generally pretty nice looking.
#45 – Dragon Driftway
Dragon Driftway has you race through the mummified corpse of Gobblegut from Super Mario Galaxy 2, which is a cool and slightly disturbing premise. It makes good use of anti-gravity, but I wish it was just a bit longer.
#44 – Bone-Dry Dunes
Bone-Dry Dunes is built around a giant Dry Bowser Skeleton, and allows you to drive on the wall of the track at one point, which is made up of enormous ribs. It’s an overall enjoyable track.
#43 – Wii Moo Moo Meadows
I gain a sick sense of joy from inflicting traumatic injuries on those damn cows.
#42 – Sweet Sweet Canyon
Another visually creative track, Sweet Sweet Canyon is made up entirely of tasty tasty treats that will give you heart disease. The track splits in two for a portion of the race, which I always enjoy.
A – Tier
Everything in A-Tier and above make up the tracks I play almost every time I pick up the game. While not perfect, these tracks are always a great time.
#41 – GCN DK Mountain
DK Mountain is another filthy Double Dash track, but it’s balanced out by having a big-ol’ barrel with Donkey Kong’s initials on it that shoots you up to a very angry volcano.
#40 – DS Waluigi Pinball
Waluigi Pinball is a very good track, and it completely commits to the bit of making a racetrack out of a pinball machine. Either the racers are very small, or Waluigi somehow built a giant pinball machine complete with balls that have to be several tons at least.
#39 – GCN Waluigi Stadium
Waluigi Stadium is just a better version of Wario Stadium, which makes sense as Waluigi is the superior tennis player. Even its unfortunate origins as a Double Dash track can’t stop this one from being a lot of fun to race on.
#38 – Squeaky Clean Sprint
Squeaky Clean Sprint Reminds me of a custom track for Mario Kart Wii, in the best way possible. There’s nothing inherently Mario about it, and yet it fits in with the rest of the tracks flawlessly.
#37 – Wii Moonview Highway
Moonview Highway is awesome. The night time cityscape makes for an impeccable backdrop, and weaving between the cars and using certain ones as ramps is a chaotic, fantastic time.
#36 – N64 Yoshi Valley
I love tracks with split paths, and no track splits quite as much as Yoshi Valley. I’ve played it a lot and I have no clue what the ideal path through it is, and I don’t care at all.
#35 – Hyrule Circuit
Hyrule Circuit is a fairly simple track that is greatly elevated by its presentation. You race through Hyrule Castle town and through the temple of time. The coins are rupees. The piranha plants are deku babas. The attention to detail here is amazing.
#34 – Wii Coconut Mall
Coconut Mall is beloved by many, and for good reason. Everybody has dreamed of driving their dirt bike unreasonably fast through their local mall, and this track allows you to live out that fantasy without going to prison.
#33 – GCN Sherbet Land
While Sherbet Land would be better if it was from Mario Kart Wii, it’s still pretty good. Having the ability to drive an almost completely different track if you fall into the frozen lake is really fun, and the snow themed tracks always have great atmosphere.
#32 – GBA Boo Lake
Boo Lake is one of my favorite tracks to run in time trials, due to its simple layout that is perfectly designed to seamlessly chain drifts around the corners. It’s a bit plain on the visual side of things, though.
#31 – 3DS DK Jungle
Modeled after Donkey Kong Country Returns, DK Jungle is as pretty as it is fun to race on, It also has a temple to a giant banana statue, which has to count for something.
#30 – Animal Crossing
The best part about Animal Crossing is the season mechanic, where every time you race on it you could get any of four different variations of the track. It’s a pretty good track outside of that, with a strong visual identity.
#29 – SNES Rainbow Road
SNES Rainbow Road will punish you the first couple times you play it, but once you finally learn how to nail every corner and stay at top speed as much as possible, it’s an incredibly satisfying track.
#28 – N64 Toad’s Turnpike
Another track set on a busy road at night, Toad’s Turnpike is just a slightly better version of Moonview Highway. There’s really not much more to say about it.
#27 – Cloudtop Cruise
Perfectly lining up every boost pad in the lightning storm in Cloudtop Cruise is exhilarating in a way not many tracks are. It’s also a treat visually, with a more developed version of the beanstalk and clouds style present in Sky Garden.
#26 – Wii Maple Treeway
Maple Treeway is another Wii classic. You race along the canopy and branches of a giant maple tree, while orange leaves fall around you. The track itself is fun too – it’s just thin enough at parts to be challenging in a race without getting frustrating, and it’s hilarious to watch your friends get crushed by the happy wigglers at the top of the tree.
#25 – Rainbow Road
Mario Kart 8’s own Rainbow Road takes the space aesthetic of previous iterations of the track and gives it a technological twist. The space station the track is set in is visually impressive, while the track itself gives plenty of opportunities for mushroom cuts and clever boosts.
#24 – Sunshine Airport
Sunshine Airport is really fun. You get to drive through a plane. You also get to drive under a plane. Neither of these are things you’re allowed to do in real life. They should probably increase their security if this keeps happening.
#23 – DS Tick-Tock Clock
Tick-Tock Clock has fantastic theming, and tons of little gap jumps and boosts make it a more technical track than you would initially think.
S – Tier
S-Tier tracks all have something unique and special to them that set them apart from the rest of the tracks, be it a theme utilized to its full potential or the track layout leading to unique ways to race through them.
#22 – 3DS Piranha Plant Slide
Trying to drive as tight of a line as possible while staying in the water stream that boosts you forward is what keeps me coming back to Piranha Plant Slide. The sewer aesthetic could be prettier for sure, but its dirtiness is part of the charm.
#21 – 3DS Rainbow Road
3DS Rainbow Road lets you drive on the moon, and on the rings of saturn, and through an asteroid field. It’s pure fun to race, and the visual design and track layout complement each other perfectly.
#20 – 3DS Neo Bowser City
Neo Bowser City feels like something out of Need for Speed: Underground, and it rocks. The cold, rainy atmosphere is so good you’ll almost forget that you messed up your drift and flew off the edge of the map three times in a row.
#19 – N64 Rainbow Road
N64 Rainbow Road reminds me of Christmas, for some reason. Maybe it’s the train throwing coins, or maybe it’s the city far below that’s all lit up. No matter what it is, the track is an above average rainbow road. Not much more you can ask for.
#18 – Ninja Hideaway
Ninja Hideaway is my favorite of the tracks originating from Tour. It’s fine visually, but the track design is the real appeal. Almost the entire track has two paths, and if you’re consistent with boosts and making jumps you can stay on the upper path the whole time, rewarding skilled players.
#17 – Dolphin Shoals
Dolphin Shoals is the reason my family has said “do you like the graphics?” any time water is splashed on the camera for the last decade. It still holds up today, but this really was a big jump from the Wii graphics we were used to.
#16 – 3DS Music Park
Music Park is fantastic. The music theme is explored to its fullest, from piano keys that make noise when you drive across them to giant music notes jumping on drums to push you up in the air and give you a chance to trick for a boost.
#15 – Mute City
Please make a new F-Zero game, Nintendo. I’m begging you here.
#14 – Wii Mushroom Gorge
The bouncy mushrooms in Mushroom Gorge make chaining tricks a ton of fun, and the gap jump at the final turn is a good way to make your friends ask “how did you do that” and “why do we even play this with you?”
#13 – Shy Guy Falls
Ever wanted to drive straight up a waterfall? Shy Guy Falls is the track for you. It makes excellent use of anti-gravity to create a visually unique track that’s fun to race on as well.
#12 – GBA Ribbon Road
Ribbon Road nails the aesthetic of being made out of toys, and a ton of little shortcuts and opportunities to air trick make it a ton of fun to race with friends or grind in time trials.
#11 – Wii Koopa Cape
Much like Piranha Plant Slide, Koopa Cape’s main appeal is driving fast as hell on the water current and probably running into one of the bananas you dropped in a previous lap. Diving into the water for the latter half of the track is also pretty visually interesting.
#10 – Mount Wario
I love tracks that aren’t laps, instead opting for one long track split into three sections. Mount Wario is one of those tracks, set on a massive ski run that takes you from the top of the mountain, through a patch of trees, and finally through a slalom run to the finish line.
#9 – Toad Harbor
Bombing the hill at the end of Toad Harbor is a lot of fun, and all of the verticality in different places you can drive makes it a really great track.
S+ – Tier
S+ is reserved for the best of the best. These tracks are fun, chaotic, and lean into the cartoonish nature of Mario Kart to be some of the most fun you can have in any racing game of any kind.
#8 – DS Peach Gardens
Peach Gardens has always been a good track. The chain chomps in the hedge maze seem like they can come out of nowhere just to ruin your day, and it’s visually stunning. Mario Kart 8 dials it up to eleven, by utilizing an unused road from the original version of the track to cause you to drive lap 3 in reverse. A glider ramp is also added just before the chain chomp maze. Both of these are fantastic changes, bringing new life to the track and making it truly great.
#7 – Wii DK Summit
DK Summit was by far my most played track on Wii. The double gap jump is challenging and rewarding. It’s so much fun to trick off of as many of the little bumps in the track as you can, and managing to ride the edge of the half pipe in the perfect way to get tons of boosts without any air time was so satisfying. All of this is preserved, just with a new coat of paint. I just wish real ski resorts could shoot me out of a cannon so I didn’t have to take the lift.
#6 – Wii Rainbow Road
Wii Rainbow Road is fantastic. 200CC will probably make you fly off the track a thousand times before you’re able to get it just right, but when you do you’ll never look back. It’s just too much fun to blaze down the track at full speed.
#5 – Thwomp Ruins
Thwomp Ruins really has it all. The thwomps and rolling rocks are dynamic stage hazards, the temple is gorgeous, and it’s a blast to drive on the walls and take the various shortcuts.
#4 – Wild Woods
Wild Woods is the best looking track in the game. The tree-top Shy Guy village gives way to a water-filled tree hollow, ending up in a beautiful pond with lily pads equipped with boost ramps. Every part of it is amazingly rendered with amazing attention to detail.
#3 – Wii Grumble Volcano
Grumble Volcano is hectic, messy, and incredible. As the race progresses, the volcano erupts and causes more and more of the track to fall away as fireballs rain down upon you. The end of the track is a series of moving platforms over lava that require careful navigation if you don’t want to get deep fried. All of this looks amazing, which is a good thing because you’ll be seeing that lava texture a lot.
#2 – Big Blue
Big Blue is almost the perfect Mario Kart track. It ditches the laps for another straight shot to the end, starting out with a tight downward spiral before somewhat straightening out into two separate paths, each with a water stream to give you a boost. The track splits several times throughout, each one weaving around the other.
If you’re really good, you can just ignore all of that. This track has gap jumps for days, enough to rival the likes of Mario Kart Wii. It’s not only the best track for casual play, it has some of the most fun tech of any track in any Mario Kart game.
#1 – GCN Baby Park
All of that said, Baby Park is just better. It’s simple on the surface: a flat oval that you drive around seven times, instead of the usual three. That simplicity hides the fact that it is chaos incarnate, which makes it the perfect Mario Kart track. It’s as small as possible while still being physically able to fit twelve players.
By the seventh lap, the track will be littered with banana peels. If you throw a bomb, you’re bound to hit at least three people. You can drive absolutely perfectly and still get ninth place. That might sound like a negative, but is Mario Kart about winning, or is it really about being as much of a jerk to your friends as you possibly can?
In Conclusion
What did this list accomplish? I’m really not sure. I tried to make this list with as little bias as possible, but everybody is looking for something different in a Mario Kart track, and your list could look completely different. Feel free to post an angry comment explaining why I’m a bad person for disliking your favorite track. Everybody has their favorites, and that’s okay, as long as your favorite is called Baby Park. If it isn’t, we can’t be friends.
So I don’t know much about this hacker or his organization, Lapsus$, really none of us do. This fella though has been identified as Arion Kurtaj, an 18-year-old autistic man responsible for the Grand Theft Auto 6 Hack (as well as a few other big ones). It also has been reported that he was violent with police, which just makes him sound even cooler.
What I do know is that Rockstar Games thinks they’re getting away with their own crime, slandering the great state of Florida. GTA 6 Takes place in the fictional state of Leonida, but really it’s just an exaggerated version of the sunshine state. As a Floridian myself I don’t appreciate this attack on my homeland, portraying us all as meth head criminals walking our alligators to the corner store. I keep my alligator in the bathtub and only walk him at night like a responsible person.
However not all Floridians are like me and frankly I feel many should be sentenced to life in prison. Here are just 15 of those people, none of whom have what it takes to take down major releases with just an Amazon fire stick.
15. Carrot Top
I mean this one is really a no brainer. Prop comedy? Not a great way to represent the state that holds the record for most golf courses in the country. I bet you didn’t know that, but you probably did know that Carrot Top is insufferable.
14. Antonio Brown
This one is personal as a Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan. We would have won two Super Bowls in a row if this guy hadn’t just left halfway through a game. Although to be fair it is really the ultimate Floridian move to quit in the middle of your job while taking off half your clothes and making a scene.
13. Jim From Edward Scissorhands
While it isn’t explicitly stated in the film, Edward Scissorhands was filmed on location in Lutz as well as Lakeland, Florida. So I think that’s reason enough to include this total jerkface. How dare he bully and take advantage of sweet sweet Edward, and push around Kim the way he does. This guy has absolutely no redeeming qualities, so he’d probably make a pretty decent early antagonist in GTA 6.
12. Sarah Paulson
I actually really like Sarah Paulson, I think she’s great. Unfortunately someone has to pay the price for American Horror Story: Cult, my hands are tied.
11. Fred Durst
I don’t expect much pushback, let’s be honest Fred Durst has probably done the crime it’s only right that he now does the time. Of course his whole ‘break stuff’ vibe is what everyone thinks Florida is all about, but there’s so much more to our beautiful state. Did you know that Florida is home to 760 unique species of wildlife not found anywhere else on earth? I bet not, all you care about is your chocolate covered starfish.
10. Alien From Spring Breakers
This guy’s an absolute menace, honestly just the fact that he’s played by James Franco is bad enough. You think spring break is just a time for you ungrateful college kids to come down here and abuse our beaches and torment the elderly? It’s often the time when sea turtles come onto our gorgeous beaches to lay their eggs. Maybe instead of chugging Fireball and doing ecstasy you stop and think about how you can make room for the turtles.
9. Pharrell Willians
Pharrell giveth and Pharrell taketh, for every Drop it Like its Hot and Get Lucky, he gives us Blurred Lines and Happy. I’m not playing this game anymore, not when we have T-Pain out there never missing.
8. Stuff the Magic Dragon
How did we let this happen? This is a dragon? A mascot?! No. This is an abomination. If I saw this guy coming at me down the street I would turn and run into a swamp to get away. Like most Floridians I was actually hatched from an egg underwater so I’d be able to dive in and swim away from this absolute monstrosity.
7. Carole Baskin
Okay she may not have been born here but she’s been here long enough to do plenty of damage to our image. After Tiger King, all of my friends from out of state wanted to ask me, was “Do you know that lady?” “Have you been to Big Cat Rescue” “How many tigers do you own personally, Brendan?” To answer all of those questions, no I don’t know her, I haven’t been to Big Cat Rescue and I only have two tigers. My apartment is too small to have anymore, especially with the gator in the bathroom.
6. Skunk Ape
For those unaware, the Skunk Ape is sort of our smelly version of a sasquatch. While there have been many sightings the creature is still at large. While normally I am one to advocate for wildlife to be left alone, for its own safety the Skunk Ape should probably be locked up. With all the crazies, like Fred Durst, running around I worry some harm could come to this creature if it was to be found in the wrong person’s backyard.
5. My Upstairs Neighbors
These people are unbelievably loud, I don’t know how it’s possible. It’s all hours of the day too, it could be 3 am and I’ll hear things dropping on the floor up there, and I mean heavy things I don’t understand. Sometimes children will be giggling and running around up there, but like it’s gotta be like 8 kids or something. We’re talking about a 1 bedroom apartment that must house like 10 people. These rent prices have gotten out of hand.
4. King Kong at Universal Studios
We’re talking about a giant animatronic ape. Once again I know I’m targeting something that’s partially wildlife but it’s also a robot. Don’t let its banana breath fool you, this thing is a killing machine. The only robots I trust at Universal Studios are E.T. and his friend Botanicus. Those are friendly robots, E.T. says my name every time I see him, King Kong just stares at me with pure malice in his eyes.
3. My Cats
These guys are absolute jerks, they cannot be trusted and they’re bastards. I don’t mean that as an insult, I mean that literally. They’re always chewing through my phone chargers and pooping in my home. It’s straight up disrespectful and they have no remorse. Also Laszlo, the black one, hates balloons. How can you hate something so joyful as a balloon?
2. The Hooters Owl
This pervy owl has got to be stopped. How did we as a society let Hooters get away with having a mascot whose eyes are just boobs? They serve chicken wings, not owl wings. This logo implies that they are literally serving human breasts, of course figuratively they’ve been doing that for years. Listen I’m not here to judge Hooters as an organization alright? Just this horny filthy owl who belongs in prison forever.
1. Ron DeSantis
His face. His shoes. His creepy little smile. The little meatball man thought he could be president but he will never escape the swamp. I actually went to the same highschool as this chump, and frankly it’s my least favorite thing about me, and there’s plenty of other things to choose from (trust me, I’d be #16 on this list). Look, I could get into the bigotry and absolute incompetency of this little boy governor but it wouldn’t be worth my time or yours. Besides if I say anymore he’ll probably waste more tax payer dollars suing me. Suffice to say the only thing sweeter than feeding this man to my alligator would be to see him rot in jail for eternity while I reluctantly play GTA 6. I mean it looks really good right?
The Gooch Event returns this year in GTA Online, and this guide has all the details on the Gooch location, and how to get the Gooch Outfit for your wardrobe.
Like any GTA Online Random Event, there are some criteria to be met in order to make the Gooch spawn, but thankfully the RNG is easy to trigger in your favor.
How To Get The Gooch To Spawn In Grand Theft Auto Online
Before you begin, be sure to be in a Free Mode session, and remain connected for an entire in-game day, which amounts to 48 real-world minutes, with a bare minimum of two players in the session. Also have some cash and snacks in hand to entice the Gooch to approach you. Finally, the Gooch will only approach pedestrians, so you will have to be on foot while you wait. However, there have been reported instances where the Gooch will yank players out of idling vehicles, and even helicopters hovering low to the ground.
Once these criteria have been achieved however, the Gooch will suddenly appear in a puff of green smoke and start sprinting towards you. Allow the Gooch to knock you down, and pilfer your cash and belongings. This will now designate the Gooch as an enemy, demonstrated by the red dot appearing on the minimap.
How To Unlock The Gooch Outfit In Grand Theft Auto Online
Get back on your feet and take down the Gooch by any means necessary. Once the Gooch has been defeated, the corpse will disappear in another puff of green, leaving behind a gift, which is also visible on the minimap, for you to collect. Inside will be the Gooch Outfit, the Gooch Mask if you didn’t get it during Festive Surprise 2022, and 25K GTA$, as well as all the money and snacks stolen off of you.
Subsequent encounters with the Gooch during the Festive Surprise 2023 event will only net you more GTA$ and your stolen items.
Tip: Because the Gooch attacks you and becomes marked as an enemy, only you will ever see the red dot on the minimap. Other players can still see the Gooch physically in the game world, and even kill the Gooch, but they will not receive the rewards for doing so.
Bear in mind that the Gooch event ends Thursday, January 4, 2024 when the regular GTA Online weekly reset usually happens.
COLOMBIA, S.C. — We all love a good Hitman mission. You get your intel, you choose your equipment, and you use the world around you to get the job done. Well apparently it’s not actually that easy.
I got through the lobby just fine, but it all went downhill as soon as I got any farther than that. I slipped into the sixth-floor bathroom and tried to knock out the janitor, but I couldn’t get a clean hit and then he laughed at me so I freaked out. I got blood all over his uniform so I couldn’t really wear it as a disguise, it was a whole ordeal I really didn’t expect. I stepped out to check out my options and this nosey security guard was all: “What was that crazy noise?” and “Hey, is that blood all over your shirt?” and “I can see the knife behind your back, drop it right now.”
Long story short, there is a pile of bodies in this bathroom, I’m up to my elbows in viscera, and I’m just stumped about where to go from here. Usually there’d be a convenient window or a woodchipper or something that I could pop these bad boys into, but I seem just to be stuck with a giant stack of corpses. One of them is my accountant, so mission accomplished and all, but I’m honestly not sure how I’m going to get out of here now.
In Hitman you just sorta walk off and all is well, but gosh this sure is more complicated in real life. There’s so much blood everywhere, and I’m pretty sure there are cameras in the hallway. My big hope is that these gloves and the sheer volume of bodies here will be able to cover my trail, but something tells me I’m going to have to be creative if I want to get out of this one with a silent assassin rating.
This seems a lot like the sort of thing people mean when they say video games can’t teach you everything. There’s no substitute for the real thing! Starting in a skyscraper? Not my best idea. I also think I could have planned this better. I didn’t really read the intelligence beforehand, which doesn’t really matter too much in Hitman, but here I totally missed that there would be so much security. They’ve all been dealt with, but I’m so wiped out now.
Nobody tells you how heavy a body is and I’m going to have to try and carry them all to the loading dock in order to put them in the garbage compactor. I think that will leave a trail though, which also doesn’t happen in the game. I guess if you want to be any good at something, you need to put down the controller and get practicing!
SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Employees at Activision Blizzard received an unexpected farewell message from their soon-to-be former CEO Bobby Kotick in their voicemail inbox recently, sources from within the company confirmed.
Kotick, who became CEO of Activision in 1991 and then of Activision Blizzard in 2008, is known for his desire to “take the fun” out of making video games, annualizing every half decent idea his employees come up with then shuttering their studio the moment the profits dip. He also sometimes threatens to kill people, sources confirmed.
Industry experts have said that when he walks out of Activision Blizzard HQ for the last time on December 29th, he can do so with his head held high having achieved his goals and can be assured the games industry is far worse off than when he found it.
One current employee shared their feelings about the farewell message with a reporter.
“We all knew Bobby would be leaving after the Microsoft acquisition, but for him to sign off with one of his patented ‘I am going to throw you into a woodchipper’ voicemails is a nice touch,” said the employee, who requested to remain anonymous.
“It just goes to show that even when he has one foot out the door, he can still take the time to let his employees know just how much he despises them.”
Another Activision Blizzard employee went on to talk about the CEO’s drive for success.
“Oh, Bobby was a pioneer. When he came on the scene he was one of the first to try and really exploit the video games industry, and in that I think he’s been largely successful. I usually try to stay off his radar, but getting one more message from him where you can hear the spit flying from his lips… it’s kind of special.”
Kotick’s most recent assistant was unable to hear the message as they sustained permanent hearing damage due to Kotick’s constant beratement, but a transcript of the message was provided for them to read.
“That’s our Bobby alright. He always thinks of the most creative things he’s going to shove down your throat,” the assistant said, fighting back tears.
“It’s honestly really sweet. I remember that back when I first started, they used to frighten me, but then I learned belittling people and making them feel inferior is how he shows affection.”
At press time, Bobby Kotick was seen coercing a homeless man into diving off the Santa Monica pier to retrieve a dollar bill he had attached to a fishing hook.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA — After a lengthy battle in court, the 18-year old hacker responsible for leaked footage of Grand Theft Auto 6 was sentenced with imprisonment until the release of Grand Theft Auto 7, Rockstar’s legal team confirmed.
“It was the only punishment that fit the crime,” said the sentencing judge. “I could’ve done a life sentence, but that’s usually just 25 years served. The release of GTA 7 will be much later than that. Perhaps never, depending on the yearly revenue of GTA 6 Online.”
The idea that the sequel to a highly anticipated game would take longer than a literal life sentence sounds ridiculous to some, but for a company like Rockstar, one life sentence almost sounds optimistic.
“We have one other game scheduled before we start work on GTA 7, so it’s at least 25 years away,” said a senior Rockstar developer. “The game in question is Red Dead 3, which will take place after Red Dead 2 but before Red Dead 1. The open world and all the missions are almost done, but we will be hard at work for the next decade on giving each hair on the horses’ testicles accurate physics. It’s not easy to be perfectionists, y’know.”
Many Rockstar fans feel that the sentencing of this young hacker was far too cruel, but others seem to believe that it wasn’t enough.
“If I was the judge, I’d make him rot until GTA 8 or 9. Hell, maybe even 10!” said a very furious fan.
“I was hoping to go into the next installment with no idea what to expect. Sure, every GTA up to now has been a violent open-world shooter with satirical commentary on American culture, but what if this one wasn’t? It could’ve been a MOBA or a roguelike deck builder, but now the mystery is ruined!”
Insider sources claim that any future security breaches on the studio will be answered with the cruelest legal blow possible – imprisonment until the release of Bully 2.
KYOTO, Japan — The physical manifestation of the insidious subconscious thoughts that plague all men descended upon Japan recently, and was quickly felled by a ragtag group of teenagers, according to a police report filed after the event.
The group, who declined to comment, has been a noticeable feature of a small province in Kyoto of late. Local hot springs proprietor Yosuke Honda remembered the group clearly in an interview with investigators.
“Frankly, I thought they were a bunch of troublemakers. A couple weeks ago, the boys in their group hatched a plan to sneak into the girls’ section of the hot springs. Needless to say, a pratfall ensued that ended with marginal damage to my fence. The girls gave ‘em what for, but the damage was done,” said Honda.
“If you’d told me then that those kids would go on to destroy an incarnation of the human understanding of death and despair, I’d have had my doubts.”
Manager of an unremarkable local weapon shop, Asami Yoshida, disagreed with Honda’s surprise.
“They weren’t exactly a normal group of high schoolers. At least one of them was a robot, and they had some sort of cat or something that could either speak Japanese, or one of those kids could speak cat. I didn’t pay much attention, honestly. They were all that was keeping my store in business,” said Yoshida.
“If my weapons had a hand in putting an end to an all-powerful deity feeding on the jealousy and selfishness and basest desires of humankind, I feel like that’s just a strong foot to stand on from an advertising perspective. And I’m pretty sure one of the teens was student council president. That’s a good look.”
Other local business owners had taken note of the group’s leader spending a lot of one-on-one time with each of the members of the group. He had, according to reports, not had any measure of a personal identity, responding only in a way that the friend he was with at the time would personally find favorable.
“He was a real blank slate. I suppose anyone could’ve projected themselves onto him without too much heavy lifting,” said a local medical practitioner.
“Don’t get me wrong, there’s no judgement in that statement. He invested heavily in experimental medicines, and he rid Japan of depraved nightmares that had somehow invaded our waking world, killing a Dark God beyond our conscious understanding in the process. That’s enough to put him in my good books.”
At press time, the leader of the group had returned to his hometown after an unspecified length of time. This time might have included further adventures with the group, depending on public interest and financial viability.
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Before you begin, be sure to be in a Free Mode session, and remain connected for an entire in-game day, which amounts to 48 real-world minutes, with a bare minimum of two players in the session. Also have some cash and snacks in hand to entice the Gooch to approach you. Finally, the Gooch will only approach pedestrians, so you will have to be on foot while you wait. However, there have been reported instances where the Gooch will yank players out of idling vehicles, and even helicopters hovering low to the ground.
Get back on your feet and take down the Gooch by any means necessary. Once the Gooch has been defeated, the corpse will disappear in another puff of green, leaving behind a gift, which is also visible on the minimap, for you to collect. Inside will be the Gooch Outfit, the Gooch Mask if you didn’t get it during Festive Surprise 2022, and 25K GTA$, as well as all the money and snacks stolen off of you.
The following prompt should’ve appeared in the top-left corner:
