SAN FRANCISCO — Dave Filoni was forced to strike down auteur filmmaker George Lucas before taking on his new role as Chief Creative Lead at Lucasfilm, Bothan sources confirm.
“It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do in my entire life,” said Filoni. “Not only was it challenging to work up the sheer willpower necessary to kill my mentor and good friend, but it also doesn’t really fit with what I imagine my in-universe persona would be. See, I’m more into the gray Jedi philosophy rather than straight-up Sith ideology. I reject both the dogma of the Jedi Council and the destructive teachings of Dark Side users. There’s a lot of reasons why, and I could go on about it forever. In fact, that’s how I killed George — I started talking about how Ahsoka found the true balance and bored him to death.”
Security recordings made available to the press showed Lucas accepting his fate while giving a cryptic monologue to his former pupil.
“Yes, yes, let the hate flow through you,” said Lucas, who was sitting in a throne-like chair with his eyes closed. “Not your hate. The hatred of a billion fans who will condemn you for every creative decision you make. Strike me down, and you will become exactly as I am. I shall pass this burden onto you, my apprentice. By taking their vitriol, you shall finally grant me peace.”
Lucasfilm president Kathleen Kennedy said she was pleased with Filoni’s performance in quickly eliminating his former master.
“Mr. Lucas was receiving recognition for a property that is now largely Dave’s vision,” said Kennedy. “It is only natural that Dave would feel jealous and resentful of the man who had been pulling his strings for so long. Of course, that doesn’t mean that he’s truly free now. As a wise Jedi once said, ‘There’s always a bigger fish.’ Meesa thinkin’, Dave is in for a surprise. There’s a maxi big power above him. But that’s a longo tello.”
At press time, Filoni was seen forcing Jon Favreau and Tony Gilroy to fight to the death in order to determine who would become his new apprentice.
The latest treasure hunt in GTA Online has dropped in this week’s event update, and this guide has all the details you need to find the Yeti location, and unlock the Yeti Outfit in your wardrobe.
As with all GTA Online treasure hunts, the process consists of multiple steps, but thankfully for once, this Yeti Hunt 2023 is just six steps long and can be easily completed in a few minutes.
How To Unlock The Yeti Outfit In Grand Theft Auto Online
Before you proceed to the Yeti hunt location, make sure you have a vehicle that can make its way around the Cassidy Creek area in Blaine County. You’ll be traversing a large area, and it would help to be relatively mobile. The Oppressor Mk II is your best bet, but feel free to take whatever vehicle you can afford.
The ideal time to embark on the quest for the Yeti is after 9PM GTA time, if only for the sake of efficiency. You’ll see why later in this guide.
Next, proceed towards the area shown on the map in the image above. Once in the vicinity, you will see a prompt onscreen:
“Investigate the Chiliad wilderness ? to search for clues of an unknown creature. Put an end to its terror to earn a bonus reward.”
The minimap will also display a large circle centered by a question mark.
Courtesy: https://gtalens.com/
As you near the circle, a text message will pop up on your phone from Tanner:
“Hey. You a hunter? You better be. Cuz there’s something in those woods. And it ain’t a bear. Trust me. Damn thing nearly killed me once. They’ll say you’re crazy till you get its hide. Then you’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.”
Once in the target area, consult the map in the image above to easily locate the first of five clues. Head to each of the Yeti clue locations in turn. For an idea of exactly what you’re looking for, see the images below.
Once you’ve investigated the fifth and final clue, you must either remain within or return to the circular investigative zone between 9PM and 6AM in-game time. If you found and investigated all the clues before 9PM, you’ll have to wait till then, or come back.
“The Yeti from the Chiliad wilderness has come for you. Defeat it to earn a unique reward.”
At this point, the Yeti will spawn in the distance and begin charging towards you. Avoid getting hit, as it is a one-shot not unlike being smacked by the Beast.
The best weapon to put the Yeti down quickly is the RPG, which can take two to four shots. The Railgun also takes several rounds to drop the Yeti. Some people have reported that the Shotgun with explosive rounds is a one-shot on the Yeti. And there’s always Sticky Bombs.
If you’re still having trouble, note that the Yeti won’t cross the water, so put a stream between it and you, and fire away with impunity.
Once the Yeti is down, a bonus 50K GTA$ will be credited directly into your Maze Bank account. This is over and above the 50K GTA$ earned over the course of investigating the five clues.
Find And Wear The Yeti Outfit In GTA Online
Additionally, the following prompt should appear in the top-left corner:
“The Yeti Outfit has been unlocked and added to your wardrobe.”
If the Yeti successfully killed you, it will despawn. Not to worry, it will spawn again and you won’t have to carry out the clue investigation all over again. If you are still within the 9PM to 6AM GTA time window, just leave and re-enter the circle. It can take as many as three in-game hours to respawn.
If the Yeti Hunt is not spawning, simply wait for the next window. Remember that an in-game day in GTA Online is 48 minutes in the real world.
If you get disconnected from the server while hunting the Yeti, it may not respawn again in your new session. Simply wait a full in-game day for the next spawn window.
Bear in mind that the Yeti Hunt event ends Thursday, January 4, 2024 when the regular GTA Online weekly reset usually happens.
PALLET TOWN — Professor Samuel Oak reportedly admitted to “making random shit up” for various Pokémon in the Pokédex in a heated press conference, shocked reporters confirmed.
“Look, man, how do they expect me to research Pokemon I have no access to? One of my students came in a few weeks ago telling me about this big-ass bird, called it a ‘Loogya’ or something. He asked me to update his Pokedex to include this fucking thing, as if I was supposed to have some idea what the hell it was,” said Oak.
“I made something up about it being the ‘guardian of the seas’ and causing hurricanes – he left looking happy and he hasn’t bothered me since.”
Dr. Oak reports that he’s also had difficulty with non-legendary Pokemon, citing an unwillingness of others to donate to his lab.
“During my stay in Sinnoh, I learned of a rare Pokemon named ‘Drifloon’. Apparently there’s only one in the whole region, and it just showed up in front of a windmill one day,” Oak continued..
“I begged the owner to donate it, or at least breed it and give me the egg, but this little shit said he wanted to ‘keep it rare.’ Fuck you, Robert. I wrote about how your ‘Drifloon’ kidnaps small children – have fun in prison, bitch.”
Scientists working at Dr. Oak’s laboratory suggested another reason for the false data may be that the rate of discovery for new Pokemon was simply too fast for them to keep up.
“Researching takes a huge amount of time – we usually can only write up one, maybe two entries per month. We blew up the lab three times trying to weigh a Voltorb,” explained researcher Clara James.
“When we were told that explorers found another 156 Pokemon in Unova in four days, Professor Oak locked himself in his office and cried.”
After the press conference, Dr. Oak was sighted pacing around his laboratory, yelling “What the fuck is an Ultra Beast?”
PAWTUCKET, R.I. — Hasbro, one of the largest toy and board game manufacturers, has now set its sights on the video game industry. According to a press release from executives, the company has laid off 1,100 workers to attempt to emulate the conditions of successful companies in the games space.
“As a company, we’ve been thinking about entering the video game industry for a while. We had an internal team analyze the success of that industry and how we could emulate it,” said Hasbro CEO Chris Cocks.
“We looked at companies like Activision Blizzard, EA, Epic Games, companies that generate huge profits, and noticed one thing they all had in common: Massive layoffs.”
Other executives at Hasbro expressed excitement at the decision to enter the video game industry.
“It’s an industry with a market size of $97 billion in the US alone. I can’t wait to get a piece of that for myself,” said Hasbro’s chief revenue officer. “I’m as excited as everyone else on the team. With a leaner company, we’ll be able to shift revenue gains upwards in the company.”
Hasbro’s long term plans for entry into the video game industry are still unclear, but industry insiders view the layoffs as a key step for Hasbro in establishing itself as one of the power players in the video game industry.
Hard Drive reached out to one of the remaining employees at Hasbro for their point of view on the recent developments.
“I came into the office yesterday and my whole team was gone. In an email, I was told I was now responsible to cover all the additional work. Leadership has been unavailable since they went on vacation at the start of December. I don’t know if I’ll be able to spend the holiday with my family this year,” said an employee who asked to remain anonymous.
When reached for further comment, CEO Chris Cocks was unavailable due to spotty internet at his remote ocean-view vacation home.
It’s getting down to the wire, gamers. Christmas lists have long been finalized, presents have been ordered, and zero hour approaches. You can’t count on friends and family to give you everything on your wishlist, though — that’s where the guy in the red suit comes in. Of course, his gifts come with strings attached. If you’ve been less-than-virtuous this year, time is running out for you to shift the balance in your favor. Check out this list for some easy, repeatable good deeds that could be your ticket off of the naughty list this year.
1 — Pay it forward in the drive-through
It’s always a nice surprise to pull up to the drive-through window and learn that the car ahead of you has already paid for you. The best part is that you can just drive around and do it again!
2 — Bring a package in for a neighbor
This tip is mostly intended for those in apartments or similar shared-entrance situations, but single-family homeowners can take advantage of it, too. Test out your neighbors’ stuff and let them know if it’s any good! They will surely thank you for your diligence.
3 — Clean a public restroom
These things are all over the place and most of them could use a good scrubbing. Get to it!
4 — Compliment someone
There are so many people on this planet, and many of them have admirable qualities. The only caveat to using this as a good deed is that the person you compliment must be someone who you are not attracted to. Getting laid negates the altruistic component of this entry.
5 — Buy Dave the Diver
Supporting poor indie developers is a good deed. For extra points, keep buying copies so you can gift them to your friends.
6 — Call your mom
This is basically an infinite XP glitch. You can repeat it as often as you want. Call her back as soon as you hang up and she’ll be just as delighted as she was the first time.
7 — Adopt a bunch cats
Just dozens and dozens of cats. No one who has that many cats could possibly be on the naughty list.
8 — Buy fries for the table
This good deed is slightly diminished if you eat most of the fries, but it can also be repeated indefinitely, so go to town!
9 — Post on social media about how things should be different
Man, things sure are awful. It would be great if someone did something about that. Therefore, it would also be pretty good if someone suggested that someone should do something about that. It’s a whole lot easier, too.
10 — Join a cult
One of the most difficult parts of performing good deeds is navigating the complex web of moral and ethical philosophy that determines what a good deed actually is. Cults cut right through that red tape and tell you directly what is good and what is evil. You’ll be selling colloidal silver and/or firebombing a district attorney’s home in no time, making your case for the good list all the while!
11 — Stop masturbating
This technically isn’t a good deed, but it couldn’t hurt. I mean, Santa is watching you 24/7. He’d probably appreciate it if he didn’t have to see you cranking it throughout the holiday season. You should really cut back, anyway. For your own good.
12 — Tell someone to calm down
Throughout the day, seek out people who have lost their cool and tell them that they should calm down. They’ll appreciate your advice and immediately chill out. This will lower the aggregate negative energy in the world.
13 — Let your little brother use the good controller
Just kidding!
14 — Tell your barista to smile more
It’s nice to spread cheer during the holidays! Plus, she looks so pretty when she smiles, and she’ll surely appreciate it if you tell her that while she’s on the clock.
15 — Leave a mean comment on this article
Go ahead, blow off some steam. Take your aggression out on me so you don’t end up hurting someone else. I’m giving you permission, so it doesn’t count as a bad deed. I’ve even intentionally included some grammar mistakes and awkward phrasing throughout this list, just to inspire you. Hit me with your best shot.
16 — Steal a book from the library
They’ll just buy a replacement, thereby increasing the number of books in the world. Books are good, so more books means more good. It’s only logical.
17 — Sabotage a windmill
Santa is running the world’s largest coal distribution operation. Renewables are a huge threat to his empire. We must do all we can to kneecap clean energy. For Santa.
18 — Buy animals from the pet store and release them into the wild
Those poor creatures are likely doomed to die in that store. Wouldn’t that chameleon prefer to experience some fresh December air before it goes?
19 — Write a short form humor piece
There is nothing more noble or good than delivering the gift of laughter. This is why I can consider myself a good person despite my fundamental and obvious shortcomings.
20 — Consume
Buy. Buy gifts for your friends and family. Buy collectibles, games, and gadgets for yourself. Order from Panera for lunch instead of making a sandwich at home. Buy a shirt from the Hard Drive store. Our economy depends on continuous, infinite growth. If that growth should falter, we are doomed. Therefore, consumption is an unquestionable good. As long as you are spending all of your money, all of the time, you cannot possibly end up on the naughty list.
SAN FRANCISCO — The last remaining engineer at Twitter/X reportedly blew on the SNES-style cartridge which holds the entire website together, then plugged it back in, Grok reported alongside several ham-fisted science fiction references.
Hard Drive will continue to report on this story as it develops.
SANTA MONICA — Activision Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick announced he is stepping down from his executive role at the video game holding company in order to spend more time hurling abuse at his loved ones, sources confirm.
“After more than three decades in the gaming industry, I’m beginning to reevaluate my priorities,” said Kotick at a press conference. “I have an ex-wife who has barely heard a single insult from me recently as I’ve been so busy. It breaks my heart to know that she’s had years of growth and experience where I haven’t been there to criticize and belittle her.”
Some of Kotick’s children were not excited about the prospect of their dad spending more time at home.
“I wish he’d stay at work,” said one of Kotick’s daughters, who asked to remain anonymous. “My friend’s mom forgot to coordinate with him about a pick up time after school and she got a voicemail from him where he says he’s going to have her killed.”
Some of Kotick’s peers also questioned his decision.
“Man, they literally had to force me out of my abusive executive position,” said another former executive. “I would have never left by choice. There’s just so much more opportunity at the office. Sure you can really do a number on a couple kids but at the office there are hundreds of people you can make feel like they live in hell. There’s just nothing like it.”
At press time, Kotick was seen screaming at his children, accusing them of causing all of their family’s problems by unionizing.
As you may have already heard, a week ago it was reported that a major video game developer, Insomniac, was hacked and a myriad of top secret details about their upcoming games was released. The gaming community was abuzz wondering how this could happen and who was responsible. Luckily we Hard Drive reporters were able to find the person responsible. Even more impressive, we were able to set up an interview with them and while they insisted on remaining anonymous they answered all of our questions about the leak.
Hard Drive: Hey thanks for sitting down with us, we really appreciate it!
Hacker: You’re very welcome, just as long as no one finds out who I am!
Of course not, Clank. So, what motivated you to hack the company you work for and leak all their secrets?
Well quite frankly I was worried all these new Marvel projects would put me and my partner out of a job! This company would be nothing without us, they’ve made millions of bolts off of our hard work and I could not simply stand by and let these mutants take our jobs.
Wow that’s quite the statement. Do you have any proof that Insomniac plans to let you go or reduce your role in the company?
The proof is already out there. We’ve only had 2 major projects since 2016, meanwhile, they’ve already released 3 Spider-man games since then. After everything we’ve done for them, all they care about is profits, they don’t even stop to think about the people they left behind. Our old coworker, Spyro, doesn’t even have a pension. He had to raise money on kickstarter to afford a new kidney.
Wow that’s awful, is that Spyro the Dragon?
No comment.
Let’s change the subject, how were you able to hack through the firewall?
*Giggles* Why it was no trouble at all, my programming allows me to access all of their files in an instant when connected to their server. They would have known their system was vulnerable had they read any of the hundreds of memos I sent them.
You tried to warn them this attack was possible?
Yes I did! They ignored me of course. They were likely too busy laughing at all that insufferable Spider Boy’s quips. Well, who’s laughing now. *giggles*
Thanks again for this interview, just one more question, it seems in the leak that Insomniac is actually planning the release of another game featuring you in 2029, do you have any details about that title?
Yes… Unfortunately it’s just a Flappy Bird rip off where you tap the screen and make my head go up and down through obstacles. Please buy it when it comes out. Captain Qwark’s hospice bills are really piling up.
According to sources within the company, Warner Bros. Discovery is in talks to acquire you by any means necessary. David Zaslav has supposedly met with your close friends to talk details on the matter, and learn where you’ll be tomorrow at noon.
“He never pays his share when we go out to eat, so you can have him for all I care. I would say I’m worried about antitrust laws, but those have never stopped you before,” said your girlfriend who hasn’t spoken to you in days.
“He doesn’t have a streaming service or anything but he did make a lot of skating videos and put them on VHS tapes that you could probably add to Max. He also really likes The Sopranos so he’s a perfect match for the brand.”
An anonymous whistleblower close to David Zaslav recounted the CEO’s response to your friends’ enthusiasm.
“David was thrilled when everyone said he could have you for free. Usually we have to pay millions or billions of dollars for a merger like this, but it seemed like your friends all really wanted you gone,” said the whistleblower.
“They said all we had to do was get you at the end of your shift down at the movie theater, and you’d be all ours. We did have to make some investments to make sure the acquisition goes smoothly, though. We bought a burlap sack and an unmarked van, and we got a few guys who wouldn’t mind a few years in prison.”
The source also elaborated on how this milestone acquisition would affect the company’s plans moving forward.
“This really is huge for us. Everybody seems to hate Zaslav, so we’re going to place you as an executive in the company and make you do some really heinous stuff so Zaslav can fire or kill you or whatever. Hopefully public opinion will really shift in his favor after that.”
At press time, Warner Bros. employees were seen donning ski masks and driving towards your location.
WASHINGTON — The American people have a new reason to get interested in politics as the Senate has officially released its Hot Coffee mod, according to a press conference from Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. The mod, which introduces a playable sex minigame into the Senate Hearing Room, was created with the intention of making politics more appealing, as Schumer explained when asked by a reporter.
“We understand that many young Americans don’t care much for politics. Between Republicans trying to destroy democracy and Democrats’ intention to fund any war they can find, a lot of our citizens choose to just check out from politics and play Fortnite instead,” Schumer said.
“With the Hot Coffee mod, we hope more people will become interested in the political process. Our citizens have been getting screwed in the Senate Hearing Room for decades, so now it’s their turn to come in and do the screwing.”
Aidan Maese-Czeropski, the Senate staffer who designed the mod, explained the mechanics.
“First you choose whether to play as a top or bottom. Bottoms must complete a quick-time event, while tops have to push the analog stick up and down in rhythm to build an excitement meter. It’s really great that the American people will finally be able to take a more active role in the screwing that goes on in Congress.”
Not all are happy about the mod. Several Republicans have come out against it during interviews on the matter.
“This shouldn’t be something we allow here. That’s the kind of activity you do in the audience of a musical, not in the Senate,” said Lauren Boebert.
“I don’t even know how this kind of thing is tolerated. I could maybe see the value of this mod if it allowed you to watch while your wife engaged in it with someone, but to participate yourself is disgusting behavior,” said Ted Cruz.
“Its existence is egregious and… and…” Mitch McConnell said before freezing up.
As of press time, the Senate is working on relocating the mod to an airport bathroom in order to appeal more to Republicans.
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