Microsoft Reveals Next Xbox Console Will Be Able To Play DVDs

Posted on by Steve Packosky

REDMOND, Wash. – Microsoft Gaming has announced that its forthcoming, yet to-be-named next-generation Xbox console will be able to play DVDs, befuddled sources report.

“This has been in development for a long time, and we’re excited to finally make the reveal,” CEO Phil Spencer told reporters. “While we can’t provide all the details on the new system at this time, we can confirm that it will come equipped with full DVD functionality. That’s right. Gamers will not have to bother with toggling between playing their favorite Xbox titles and their favorite movies, as the system will be able to do both. I invite our customers to stay tuned for more updates on what’s to come, as it’s features like these that will ensure our new console stands above the competition in delivering the best interactive experience in the world.”

Gamer Ian Donegal was confused by the news.

“Does anybody even watch DVDs anymore?” Donegal questioned. “Also, most consoles have been capable of playing them for like two decades at this point, and I’m guessing the vast majority of gamers don’t use that functionality, and if they do, they’re probably playing Blu-Rays. I’m starting to think this Phil Spencer guy may not have the best ideas if this is what he’s expecting us to get excited about. How about announcing something that consumers would like to see from Xbox, like an exclusive title that would stir up some excitement for them to buy over one of the competitors?”

Gaming expert Maya Flores weighed in on the situation.

“I know Xbox hasn’t always made the best decisions, but this one is particularly mystifying,” Flores offered. “Especially after all the layoffs that Xbox incurred just this past summer, I would’ve expected a much more impressive announcement, like a groundbreaking virtual reality add-on or a particularly big game not available anywhere else. Never in a million years would I have predicted a feature that gamers have long since already had access to and forgotten about, but hey, I’ve been wrong before.”

At press time, Spencer had also revealed that the upcoming system would have wireless controllers.

Stephen Miller Visibly Erect After Dropping Baby Penguin off Cliff in Super Mario 64

Posted on by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON – United States Homeland Security Advisor Stephen Miller was seen with a protruding erection after dropping the baby penguin off the cliff in the “Cool, Cool Mountain” level of 1996 platformer Super Mario 64, uncomfortable sources report.

“Oh God, did you see how the baby penguin was crying when I separated it from its mother?” Miller groaned while making no effort to conceal his arousal. “Then I dropped it into oblivion in full view of her after she thought I had helped her by carrying him down the mountain. I’ve never been so turned on. Grabbing the star after I killed her child made it even better. I always thought video games were too childish for me, but now that I know about all the suffering I can inflict, I think I’ll keep playing them.”

Miller’s boss, President Donald Trump, found himself unnerved by what he saw.

“Jesus, can we keep Stephen away from me for a little bit?” Trump asked. “I knew he was a true sadist, some say even the best sadist, which made him the perfect fit to oversee my immigration crackdowns, but this is too much. He can’t be showing up to meetings with a raging boner just because he’s murdering infants in some video game I’ve never heard of. Especially because the infants are beautiful, just beautiful babies. You know the Democrats, I call them the ‘Demoncrats’, want to take babies and murder them even after they’re born. It’s just awful what they’re doing, but we’re going to stop them.”

Sociologist Rhea Durvin has seen this before.

“All the most depraved individuals in government today use violence in video games to achieve sexual satisfaction,” Durvin noted. “Vladimir Putin loves to jack off while mowing down civilians in GTA V, and Nayib Bukele once ejaculated while watching Baraka eat Scorpion’s brains during a Mortal Kombat fatality. Given all that we know about these monsters, this appears to be the least shocking and disgusting fact about them.”

At press time, Miller was seen trying to shove Yoshi off the roof of Princess Peach’s castle so he could climax.

A Complete List of Foodborne Illnesses I Caught From Eating at Bancho Sushi

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, let this be a warning to everyone to read up on restaurants before patronizing them; ESPECIALLY sushi restaurants. A lovable scuba diver/waiter befriending a race of sea people and uncovering the cause of a rash of earthquakes may provide good fodder for a surprisingly fun video game, but by no means is it an acceptable setting for a safe and hygienic culinary experience. It unfortunately took me several visits to Bancho Sushi to learn this lesson, so please take heed from this exhaustive list of foodborne illnesses I caught, and for your own sake steer clear of that establishment.

Vibriosis

I was admittedly pretty excited to try the Blackfin Barracuda Sushi, and Dave’s harrowing tale of how he stalked and killed it with a harpoon only made it more intriguing to me. However, after having finished my meal and retreating to my seaside AirBnB, my skin broke out in horrible, blistering lesions while I doubled over with fever. The culprit was plainly obvious, but that provided little comfort as the remainder of my vacation was ruined. Above all else, I regret giving the dish a favorable review on Cooksta so prematurely.

Anisakiasis

I once assumed there was a physical limit to how much a human being can shit in a 24-hour period, but I now know how truly foolish and naive I was. Perhaps if Bancho would hire another server Dave wouldn’t have been so rushed, because I saw my Malignant Pincer Sushi sitting idly near the chef’s station for a full 20 minutes before he finally brought it over to me. Also, and I know this isn’t important, but I should not have been charged full price for that beer. Dave really, really needs to work on his pouring skills.

Salmonellosis

Hey Dave, did you know that the FDA requires you to freeze fish species at or below -4°F for a full week before serving? Did you even consider this while you were killing that megamouth shark with your triple axel and bringing it to surface, only to serve it to me and my girlfriend less than an hour later? The resulting stomach cramps were the worst pain I’ve ever felt in my life. Thanks, Dave.

Bacillus cereus

I can’t blame all of my illnesses on Dave, because this definitely happened after Bancho left the rice out too long before prepping my Tusked Grouper. Anyway, super cool that I had to cancel my scuba diving lessons the next day because I couldn’t stop vomiting. Do you know how hard it is to conduct a phone call with your head completely submerged in the toilet?

Truly, I have no idea how this place is able to stay open, but I hope this list got through to you and you avoid it going forward. Stay tuned for my upcoming article describing the time I got caffeine poisoning from Coffee Talk.

Sniveling Little Coward Leaves Controls at Default Setting

Posted on by Steve Packosky

TUSCALOOSA, Ala. – Sniveling little coward Gerard Wilmerson declined to make any adjustments to his video games’ default controller settings, disgusted sources report.

“I don’t really have a strong personal preference when it comes to controls,” the spineless milquetoast admitted. “I just leave it to the developers and trust their judgment on the matter. I love to play video games, and I’ve never had any issues with controls to where I felt the need to adjust them in the menus. I see my friends poring over the settings before they start every game, and I guess that’s just not my style. Maybe one day I’ll gather the nerve to cater controls to my liking, but for now I’m happy just playing them as they come.”

Wilmerson’s friend Gina Carroway reacted to his faint-hearted timidity.

“Gerard really needs to toughen up and be more assertive with his gaming,” Caraway noted. “I play a lot of first person shooters, so of course the first thing I’m doing when I fire up a new game is inverting the Y axis. Gerard won’t even do that much, which is probably why he sucks so hard. I’ve seen him on the receiving end of Call of Duty’s final kill cam so many times I’ve lost count. I know he’s just trying to relax and have a good time, but sometimes it’s embarrassing being associated with him.”

Psychologist Gretchen Bierman provided her expertise on the situation.

“We like to think of gaming as a separate escape from the real world, but that’s not entirely accurate,” Bierman said. “People’s actions in video games are often a reflection of how they behave in their day-to-day lives, which can be a rather damning indication in many cases. Judging by his approach to video games, I’d say it’s more likely than not that Wilmerson is a totally lily-livered pushover in every other aspect of his life, and it’s right for his friends to feel shame and pass judgment on his inaction.”

At press time, the ineffectual weakling was entering his second hour of painstakingly adjusting the slider so the logo was barely visible.

Five Amazing Pieces of Furniture I Could Make With the Great Deku Tree if You’d Just Let Me Chop It Down

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, I know the Kokiri worship this goddamn thing, but seriously, just look at it. It’s a monstrosity and an eyesore. I heard it even has a parasite inside of it, Queen Gohma or something like that. Apparently the tree has summoned some kid who doesn’t talk to come and fix it from the inside, but how about we save him the trouble? My buddy has a Sennebogen tree care handler for his contracting business, and we can knock this fucker down in no time. I’m a pretty accomplished woodworker. Doesn’t any one of these sound more appealing than some gigantic, diseased tree hovering over your enchanted little village?

Outdoor Patio Set

You have a beautiful little hut here. Wouldn’t it be perfectly complemented by a gorgeous three-piece set right outside the front entrance? You can sit out here and relax while also keeping an eye on your front entrance. You’ve been complaining that somebody’s been breaking in and smashing your pots, so relax and get some fresh air while making sure the riffraff stays out.

Wine Rack

I can make an absolutely stunning rack for you to hold all of those decadent Zora reds you can get north of here, and—oh, you don’t drink? Oh well, you can put water bottles or something in it. Or Lon Lon Ranch milk, I don’t care. Seriously, just let me cut that fucking tree down. Why are you giving me such a dirty look?

Decorative Sign

Wouldn’t a “Bless This Mess” sign add some charm to your little one-room home? Also, wouldn’t it be fitting if it was literally made out of the deity that you normally would call upon to bless something? The more I think of it, the more it seems meant to be. Come on, let me chop up your god and make cute little signs out of him. There’s no need for you to be so angry with me.

Desk

I can make you a desk where you can do your paperwork. Do you forest dwellers even have a written language? I don’t know and I don’t care. That infected tree outside your town is hideous. You can call all your fellow villagers over here if you want, but I’m going to find a way to destroy it.

Step Stool

You Kokiri sure are tiny, aren’t you? How about a step stool so you can reach your spices or whatever? Do you cook or do you just hop around and eat random herbs and potions? Why are you all brandishing weapons and walking me toward your village’s exit? Okay, fine, fine, I’ll leave, but if the Deku tree ends up dying from that parasite, I promise I’m going to sneak in here and step on any little replacement sapling that sprouts out of the ground. You can count on that.

Mushroom Kingdom Reaches Hazard Pay Agreement With Hammer Bros. Union

Posted on by Steve Packosky

MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Government officials have reached an agreement with the Hammer Bros. Union, which involves a 20% pay increase due to the hazardous nature of their work, sources report.

“This is long overdue,” union rep Henry Hammer told reporters. “The danger associated with the constant throwing of these hammers, coupled with the physical strain it puts on our bodies, puts us at a significantly higher risk than any of Bowser’s other minions, not to mention the ever-present threat posed by Mario and Luigi. The latter is especially heightened when these two are controlled by a particularly savvy player who knows to stand right next to us in order to stay under the arc of our throws. Additional pay is the absolute least of what we deserve.”

Kendra Koopa, elected representative for the invaders of World 3-1, weighed in on the situation.

“I am ecstatic that an agreement was finally reached,” Koopa said. “We’d been at the negotiation table for years, as the Mushroom Kingdom just couldn’t acquiesce to all of the union’s demands. For instance, they’d been fighting for an extra week of paid time off each year, which just wasn’t feasible. The Hammer Brothers play an integral role in us maintaining our control over the Mushroom Kingdom, and I shudder to think of what would happen if Mario happens to run through here while we’re not properly staffed. Thankfully, Henry Hammer was able to understand this and focus on getting the hazard pay for his workers.” 

Koopa King Bowser was delighted at the agreement.

“This is a proud day for all of us,” Bowser said. “With our Hammer Bros. finally being properly compensated for their troubles, we can more effectively focus on our mission to keep the Mushroom Kingdom under my rule and stop those vile plumbers as they attempt to take it back. Thanks to this agreement, we are now better poised to accomplish this mission than we have been at any point in the last four decades.”

At press time, the Piranha Plant Union was striking for safer work conditions after one of them drowned in a sewer pipe.

We Tried To Interview the Ninja Turtles but Immediately Caught Typhoid Fever and Hepatitis A From Walking Through the New York City Sewer System

Posted on by Steve Packosky

OK, our editors are going to have to start doing more research on our interviews before they assign them to us. At the very least, they should issue us hazard gear if they’re going to make us wade through raw sewage to reach our subjects. That seems like the absolute least they should do, right?

Anyway, to be fair, we were pretty excited when we heard that we were going to sit down with the Ninja Turtles. Who wouldn’t be? We stayed up all night before the interview writing up questions. How does it feel being a sentient turtle? Does Splinter ever just relax and eat pizza with them? When’s the last time they hung out with April O’Neil? The fact that we had to meet them in their home didn’t strike us as odd. After all, it’s not like they can just move a manhole and strut around Williamsburg in the middle of the day. Walking through a mile or two of human shit to conduct the interview seemed like a small price to pay for the article of a lifetime.

Unfortunately, we started feeling really sick almost immediately after lowering ourselves into the city’s filth-ridden depths, and the pitch-blackness of the sewer made it really difficult to read our handwritten map. While this obstacle could have been avoided by bringing a flashlight or even just our phones, we wanted this to be an authentic early nineties-esque experience, and anyway, those sewers seemed much better lit in the cartoon. Nevertheless, we can chalk this up to an error on our part, but at any rate, the fact that we were hopelessly lost went completely unnoticed as we were doubled over with crippling fevers while concurrently puking and shitting all over the ground around us. Luckily, and believe us, this is small recompense for our suffering, we were in the right place to be engaging in this activity.

Thankfully, one of us stumbled into a ladder in a vomit-fueled fit of sobs, and we managed to emerge onto Bushwick Ave., much to the chagrin of dozens of horrified and disgusted onlookers. Apparently Hepatitis A can cause some severe jaundice that gave us a pretty shocking appearance. Anyway, we’re now being nursed back to health in Hard Drive’s offices, and some of us might actually make it. Given that our next assignment requires us to travel to Castle Grayskull, we’re kind of hoping we don’t.

Link Receives Final Warning for Violating Planet Fitness’ Grunting Policy

Posted on by Steve Packosky

HYRULE – Hylian swordsman Link has received his final warning for violating the grunting policy at the Kakariko Village Planet Fitness, irritated sources report.

“We’ve given this individual so many chances to amend his behavior,” employee Tika told reporters. “Just today, I saw him at the rock-climbing wall causing a ruckus that was just completely unnecessary. He would grunt over and over until he clearly had reached the end of his stamina wheel, at which point he would scream as he fell to the mat. Yesterday, he was yelling while practicing his sword thrust over and over, and almost seriously injured a Gerudo when he interrupted her mid-squat. I’ve told him he doesn’t need to take the gym so seriously, as it’s not like he’s scaling Death Mountain or battling Calamity Ganon. He just looked at me like ‘…’. Honestly, what’s up with that?”

Fellow patron Kitu was glad to hear that Link was on the verge of getting banned.

“Ugh, that guy is so obnoxious,” Kitu complained. “I understand that he’s rescued Hyrule on countless occasions, but that doesn’t give him the right to act like a total dick in a communal gym. This is the only Planet Fitness in Hyrule, and I come here from Zora’s Domain every day to get a workout in. I don’t need some warrior ruining my experience just because he’s full of himself. I mean, if he’s such a hot shot, why doesn’t he have Princess Zelda hook him up with his own private gym? I know that’s definitely within her power. There’s absolutely no need for him to be bothering the commoners like this.”

Link didn’t seem to understand what the issue was.

“Uh. Uh. Hupp,” Link observed. “Hunh. Hunh. Huuuuuuhhhhhhh, hrraaahhhhhhhh! Hupp. Hupp! Ooh! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Guh!”

At press time, Tika had been distracted from Link by a nearby Goron loudly dropping the boulders he was lifting to the floor.

Dr. Robotnik Reveals His Ph.D. Is in Business Administration

Posted on by Steve Packosky

FINAL ZONE – Presumed scientist and main antagonist of the “Sonic the Hedgehog” series of games Dr. Ivo “Eggman” Robotnik revealed that his Ph.D. was actually in the field of Business Administration, surprised sources report.

“Yeah, I actually got my Ph.D. online from the University of Phoenix while working as a Budget Analyst,” Robotnik said. “I kind of hoped it would help me move up to a senior position in the software company I was working for at the time, but the anger I felt when I was passed up for a promotion by the CEO’s nephew drove me to become the egomaniac I am today. I ended up completing my dissertation on optimization techniques in corporate cash management, but then I got really into machine building and taught myself how to create all these gadgets with videos I found on YouTube.”

Robotnik’s old Supply Chain Management professor Nikolai Maksymanko had expected his student to follow a different path.

“Typically, our graduates pursue careers in fields like consulting or HR management,” Maksymanko noted. “I think this might be the first case I’ve observed of an alumnus going completely mad for power and obsessing over taking control of the entire world. What is it he said he wanted to create? The ‘Eggman Empire’? Yeah, I don’t think we’ll be inviting him to speak at a commencement ceremony anytime soon.”

Game protagonist and Robotnik’s sworn enemy Sonic the Hedgehog was taken aback by the revelation.

“I guess I just naturally assumed that his Ph.D. was in Mechanical Engineering from somewhere like MIT or Stanford,” Sonic admitted. “I mean, look at this. He’s built these gigantic cylinders that are timed to retract in and out of the walls and ceilings, and I’ve already seen him in that weird flying sphere he built. I wouldn’t be able to do that. I guess the fact that he taught himself how to build these things just serves as further proof of how much of a ripoff college is.”

At press time, Robotnik had decided to return to school and earn a second Ph.D. in Linguistics.

Every Conservative at Anime Convention Cosplaying as Mr. Popo

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SYRACUSE, N.Y. – Every conservative at the Animetopia convention in Syracuse’s Oncenter appeared at the event dressed like Dragon Ball Z character Mr. Popo, unsurprised sources report.

“People think this costume is offensive, which proves that society’s been taken over by a bunch of soyboy cucks,” conservative attendee Nick Gladner said as he adjusted his turban. “Thank God we have a real man back in the White House and we no longer have to worry about any backlash from liberal snowflakes. We shouldn’t have to think about political correctness while we’re celebrating our favorite anime characters. So what if I enjoy dressing like Mr. Popo? I like his style and am always excited for episodes that take place in The Lookout. If my costume offends you, good.”

Fellow attendee Mallory Osgood reacted to what she saw.

“Jesus, there are so many Mr. Popos here,” Osgood sighed as she looked around her. “It would be nice if these idiots had educated themselves on why dressing in blackface is a really, really bad thing to do, but I’m pretty sure they either don’t know or don’t care about that. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if books that mention minstrelsy are being banned from public education now. Anime has enough problems as it is, so it sucks that people now feel emboldened to parade around dressed as its most blatantly racist example. Maybe I’ll start going to comic book conventions. There can’t be as many obnoxious conservatives at those, right?”

Sociologist Kayleigh Alfaro was not surprised by the situation.

“The Republican Party has successfully won the favor of the average Internet chud, so of course you’re going to see that in anime fandom,” Alfaro noted. “Many of these fans are young men who spent the COVID-19 pandemic on 4Chan. Frankly, I’m shocked that Mr. Popo cosplay comprises only about 60% of the people at this convention. I just did a case study at a Street Fighter tournament in Florida, and basically every white guy there was dressed like Balrog.”

At press time, some conservatives had begun arriving at the convention cosplaying as Superalloy Darkshine.

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