Gary Kerls, Author at Hard Drive

Whoa! Innovative Tears of the Kingdom Players Have Successfully Built an Effective Two Party System

Posted on July 23, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Months after its release, dedicated players of the latest Legend of Zelda game have reportedly constructed an effective two party system to govern the land of Hyrule, sources confirm.

“I can’t believe they pulled it off,” said Dawn Colton, the journalist who broke the story. “We’ve all seen the clips of helicopters and basketball hoops that were made from Zonai devices, but I didn’t think people would be able to build things this complicated out of sticks and stones. Wow. How did they prevent the infiltration of gerrymandering and Super PACs? Oh, they just didn’t let it get that bad? That’s fucking crazy!”

The player responsible for constructing the effective governing body said it was something they’d wanted to try since they started playing the game.

“I saw the things online that other players were coming up with,” said Peter Lee, the gamer that built the two-party system in Tears of the Kingdom. “Wonderful, fantastical creations, from the deepest parts of the most creative minds. I knew I wanted to try to make something that people truly wouldn’t believe. After my initial plans of constructing an actual black hole that sucked the video game up and inside of itself and ruined the cartridge proved to be too complicated, I decided to go for the next loftiest thing I could: an effective and corruption-free two party governing system, with functional checks and balances and a court that isn’t for sale. I also added some flames on the side so it would look cool, too.”

Politicians largely disapproved of what they perceived as the latest video game to expose the public to sensationalized ideas and images.

“This is really dangerous stuff that kids could get their hands on,” said Arizona Senator Kyrsten Sinema, wearing the worst glasses you’ve ever seen. “Despite it’s E10+ rating, the newest Legend of Link game displays shocking depictions of competent governing and ethical representatives at every level of the political spectrum. Frankly, we haven’t seen something this far fetched and disgusting since Mortal Kombat came out. This time, however, the gaming industry has finally gone too far.”

As of press time, Congress had banded together to unanimously pass a bill that banned The Legend of Zelda games from all schools and gave them all an extra week of vacation.

Action Movie Director Announces Plans for New Series That Starts Getting Good by the Fifth One

Posted on July 23, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Famed action movie director Mattie Melton announced a new series of films he is working on called Agent Amazing that will get good by the fifth one.

“Yeah, so the first four movies are going to suck. That’s non-negotiable. But then the fifth one? That one’s gonna completely change the game and blow everybody’s socks off,” Melton explained. “That’s just how movies are now. Whether it’s the Fast and Furious franchise or the Mission Impossible franchise or the new Agent Amazing franchise, you can’t go around putting all the best stuff in the first half of the franchise. What a waste!”

Action movie fans were excited to hear the news.

“Oh man, I love Melton’s movies so this is gonna be so dope. Really excited to suffer through the slog of the first four movies over the course of a decade and then finally get a really awesome fifth one that feels almost completely detached from the origin of the franchise,” said moviegoer Homer Nash. “A lot of filmmakers accidentally luck into having their first good movie in a franchise be the fourth or fifth one, but it’s truly inspired to do it on purpose. And then once it gets good, you can split those bad boys up into two or three parts and you’re printing money.”

“Obviously I haven’t seen it yet, but I really hope some of the characters from the first and second movies come back around the sixth and seventh movies in a way that is totally unrecognizable,” said critic Andy Boyle. “That’s where the craft really comes in. In the first movie, sure maybe that character is bland and boring to watch. But when they show up again for one scene ten years later? It’s like, holy shit. They remembered that it was in the movie! That’s very exciting to see.”

At press time, Warner Bros announced plans to remove the first four movies from whatever their streaming service will be called right before the release of the fifth Agent Amazing.

Every ‘Dead by Daylight’ Killer Ranked By How Likely They Are to Celebrate Christmas

Posted on July 23, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

The multiplayer survival horror megahit Dead by Daylight has been out for seven years and amassed a group of 32 iconic killers, an impressive mix of iconic slashers and original villains with terrifying lore of their own. The internet abounds with information, theories, analysis, and strategies regarding the killers, but somehow no one has dissected who among them would be most likely to celebrate everyone’s favorite holiday, Christmas. Well, maybe not everyone’s favorite!! Check out the list below:

32. Freddy Krueger, “The Nightmare”

Despite his jovial nature and nice sweater, Freddy would actually be paranoid about Christmas. He doesn’t trust when a bunch of townsfolk get together with the same thing on their mind, and honestly, do you blame him? I sure don’t. Freddy skips Christmas every year, and it’s probably for the best, as wrapping presents would be a logistical nightmare for this slaughterer of innocent children, due to the claws on his fingers.

31. Kazan Yamaoka, “The Oni”

If you told Kazan you were having some people over for Christmas and he was welcome to stop by, he’s likely to give you this big reaction about “Oh hey thanks no one ever invites me to this stuff and I can’t wait.” But don’t believe him. It’s all bullshit. He just wants to execute as many people he doesn’t believe to be true samurai as possible, which is probably going to be everyone at your Christmas party.

30. HUX-A7-The “Singularity”

HUX-A7 is an AI-powered android that is ten times as strong as a human. He was programmed to appear human, and is familiar with the human routines, but since Hux has no heart, he can never know the full joy of Christmas. Hux might appreciate some classic holiday music or something like that, but his continued goal of eradicating all of humanity won’t be undone by a big bowl of eggnog anytime soon. Probably best to avoid Hux around the holidays, or in general really.

29. Danny Johnson, “The Ghost Face”

There’s been more Ghost Faces than James Bonds at this point, and I gotta say, this particular one probably isn’t too keen on celebrating Christmas. Setting aside the obvious fact that pretty much everyone on this list is more of a Halloween type, Danny in particular is primarily a stalker and a killer. Even if you didn’t know about his nighttime murder hobby and invited him to a Christmas celebration, he’d probably mumble some unconvincing lie, even though everyone could tell he was clearly just gonna go stalk someone. That’s just Danny for you.

28. Albert Wesker, “The Mastermind”

Wesker was just a guy once upon a time, before being infected with a virus and becoming determined to spread it to the rest of humanity. Give him a bottle of cologne or something for Christmas and he’ll take an extra minute and think about what his life would’ve been like if the interview at Goldman Sachs had gone as well the one at Umbrella Corp. Then he’ll feel real bad for not buying you anything, and honestly, probably kill you. Wesker hates Christmas because it offers him a fleeting glimpse into his sacrificed humanity. What a dick.

27. The Demogorgon

This Stranger Things import is a creature made of teeth that runs merely on killer instinct. It brings to the table no nostalgia for Stephen King, Dungeons & Dragons, or the shopping malls of the 1980s, and feels no emotions whatsoever. It really just likes devouring people. Impossible that it could somehow celebrate Christmas, but if tamed, the Demogorgon could make for a fun Christmas decoration or something. It’s all red and needle-y. You could do something with that.

26. The Dredge

Hmm, what do you even get a teleporting manifestation of the collective dark thoughts of a brainwashed cult? This one seems like it might be complicated to sort out, but when you think about it, a big pile of body parts and skulls and disproportionate limbs is in no way able to comprehend or celebrate Christmas. Even if you lured it over to a get together or something, it’s just going to break stuff and leave a smelly mess behind. Personally, I’d ignore The Dredge over the holidays, and if they call you out about it, just lie and say you thought you’d heard that they were Jewish.

25. Anna, “The Huntress”

Anna was a good kid once upon a time, she just had some bad breaks and ended up spending too much time in the woods. Could have happened to any of us. In this current moment, she’s kind of apathetic about Christmas, just because it’s not on her radar. If you gave her some hot cocoa and let her watch some Hallmark Channel Christmas movies, she’d probably fall all the way in and become one of those off putting ‘Christmas all year’ people, the same way she got really into hunting before that.

24. Frank, Julie, Susie, and Joey, “The Legion”

This group of juvenile killers would definitely be into coming over and having Christmas together, but they’d also have to check with their leader Frank to make sure it was alright. Ugh, it’s so annoying. Just be kids for one day! Then you can go back to your little half-assed knockoff of The Strangers. Probably okay if they don’t show up, though. Not sure if I should get these kids one present or four.

23. Michael Myers, “The Shape”

Obviously Mike’s not going to wrap presents or sing Christmas carols or anything, but I think if you vaguely resembled his sister and handed him a Christmas present, he might have some little moment where he stared at it and remembered what it was like to be a kid, just for a second. He’d probably turn his head a little sideways. You know that move? This would probably only last for a few seconds before he dropped it and went back to trying to stab you, but it’s something. Personally, I would run like hell after I gave him that present. Lord knows Mike Myers didn’t get you anything in return.

22. Sally Smithson, “The Nurse”

Before her husband was killed and she took a job working at an asylum that twisted her all up mentally, Sally definitely used to celebrate Christmas. These days though, it’s tougher to say. Which is a shame, because her ability to teleport makes her the most Santa Claus-like member of this group I’m evaluating (if you don’t count Leatherface’s portly figure). If she decided to get into it, she could be the star of the Dead by Daylight Christmas, but alas, she saw too much stuff in that asylum. Sally doesn’t care about Christmas at all, I’m afraid.

21. Jeffrey Hawk, “The Clown”

Jeff is just a piece of shit murderer that is trying his ass off to blend in as a clown, so he absolutely would celebrate Christmas. It’s part of his cover. Still though, this sicko has a weak constitution, and his old ways would almost certainly creep out depending on how long everyone was getting together for. He’s the guy most likely to show up to the Christmas party with good intentions and snap halfway through and start killing everyone. What a scrooge!

20. Adiris, “The Plague”

Adiris is from a large family and a religious background, so she can’t even fathom a world without Christmas. Plus, when you’re cursed with an internal plague, it’s nice to have something to look forward to. She’s even polite and refrains from talking about the disturbing things she’s seen priests do during her years of helping them out with their “ceremonies.” That would really ruin the mood while everyone’s trying to watch Elf.

19. Elliot Spencer, Pinhead, “The Cenobite”

Pinhead would get a kick out of showing up to the White Elephant exchange with his little wrapped cube and sit there trying not to smirk. Everyone sees through it though, and knows it’s his little device that unleashes unspeakable pain onto the world. No one picks it and Pinhead ends up with his own gift and he pouts for the rest of the Christmas party. Still though, that doesn’t mean he didn’t try!

18. Amanda Young, “The Pig”

Amanda from the Saw movies isn’t that far removed from a normal 21st century American life. Not as far as like, the fucked up twins born in the 1800s, for example. Although potentially clouded by years of drug abuse and subsequent years of being the chief representative of a mentally ill serial murderer, there’s still some Christmas spirit down there somewhere, I bet. Throw on Love Actually and give her some wine and see how fast she ditches the pig head and starts quoting her favorite parts!

17. Rin Yamaoka, “The Spirit”

Rin’s father killed her mother and tried to murder her as well, so she would really appreciate being asked to participate in something that feels like something a normal kid would get to do. Nothing good result if this were to actually happen, but from a rhetorical standpoint, I think Rin Yamaoka would be pretty into getting together for Christmas and doing something.

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Elon Musk Renames Twitter After Relationship With His Wife

Posted on July 23, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — Elon Musk announced today that he is renaming social media site Twitter “X,” a reference to the status of his relationship with singer Claire “Grimes” Boucher.

“I’ve always believed in grand gestures. I think Grimes will really appreciate that I’ve renamed my prized jewel after her and then she’ll see I’ve loved her all along,” Musk reportedly told one of the 15 or so employees left at the company. “And then the real work begins: popping out as many weirdly-named babies as we can to take control of the post-apocalyptic landscape with le most epic army of memelords of all time!”

Fans of Musk were quick to commend the tech CEO in the replies of his announcement, while those disagreeing with the decision were nowhere to be seen, likely due to the fact that they aren’t paying the social media site a monthly fee for more visibility.

“He’s done it again! Elon Musk is a true super genius,” said one blue check user. “Twitter is my second love after my own wife — but seeing how well Elon has done after commandeering this ship, I’d certainly let him have my beautiful Irene as well! Elon, please DM me if you’d like to have sex with my wife too and fill her up with your incredible seed.”

“Great job with this launch, sir,” said another blue check user. “I really hope there’s an option on the new X to have AI automatically write all our posts. That will really make the website easier to use for some of us who have been having to go into Chat-GPT, send it a prompt, and then copy and paste it back over. If I tried to write one of these myself, I’d think I’d [the comment had a ‘read more’ button here, but we elected not to click it.]”

When asked to comment, Grimes sent us a photo of a tattoo across her leg that she said was a statement on the matter, written in an “alien language.”

“Are These All Going to Be Questions About Wario?” — Hard Drive Interviews Christopher Nolan

Posted on July 22, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

After four disastrous interviews, I was ready to try something more conventional. I was ready to interview someone from pop culture that wasn’t from video games. I thought filmmaker Christopher Nolan would be a great subject, and I caught wind of him going on a press tour to promote his new film Oppenheimer. Having been routinely denied conventional press passes during our six years as a website, I just bought a tip off the dark web and crashed a press junket. That was so much easier! I probably shouldn’t say a whole lot more, but rest assured I got my interview with Christopher Nolan, who’s latest film Oppenheimer is in theaters everywhere now.

~~~

Hard Drive: Hi, Mr. Nolan, thank you so much for giving us a few minutes of your time.

Christopher Nolan: Absolutely, my pleasure. People, right?

Hard Drive: Yeah, there are a lot of people out there. That’s for sure. Did you see the parking lot?

Christopher Nolan: No, I mean you’re People magazine, right?

Hard Drive: Um, sort of? Yeah.

Christopher Nolan: Sort of?

Hard Drive: No yeah, People. I am People magazine, that’s who I am.

Christopher Nolan: You’re being suspicious.

Hard Drive: I’m sorry. Look, here’s the deal. Here’s my whole deal. I write for People magazine, honestly, but then I also write for this thing called Hard Drive sometimes. I got a little mixed up is all, I’m sorry about that.

Christopher Nolan: What’s Hard Drive?

Hard Drive: I’m glad you asked, Christopher Nolan! It’s a video game site. We did satire forever, and we still do, but we do other stuff now, too. Feature articles and lists and game guides. Most of it’s pretty funny!

Christopher Nolan: That’s great. Video games aren’t really my thing, but good for you lads. Now, should we start the interview? My time is spread pretty thin today.

Hard Drive: Oh, yeah, for sure. Let’s start the People interview. Let me just check my notes here.

Christopher Nolan: Is that an old Nintendo Power magazine you’re looking at?

Hard Drive: I thought you didn’t know video games, Christopher Nolan?

Christopher Nolan: I can read the name of the magazine you’re holding.

Hard Drive: Touché. I’ll put it away. Now, let’s start the interview.

Christopher Nolan, thank you for speaking to uh, People magazine today. It really means a lot.

Christopher Nolan: Certainly, always a treat.

Hard Drive: Do you think Wario’s farts smell really bad? Or are they empty farts that don’t stink at all, on account of how he can summon them at will?

Christopher Nolan: I’m sorry, what?

Hard Drive: Wario. From the Mario Brothers games. I’m asking you about his farts.

Christopher Nolan: Are you pulling my leg? What’s going on here? I’m this close to walking out of here!

Hard Drive: Oh my god, I’m sorry. You’re right, what an entirely inappropriate question, for several reasons. Okay look, my inexperience is showing here, and I apologize for that. I was reading the wrong notes, and that was a question for a piece I’m working on about the digital release of The Super Mario Bros Movie. Did you see that?

Christopher Nolan: No, no I haven’t seen the Mario movie.

Hard Drive: Since we’re talking about it, do you mind if I get your thoughts on something? I think it would be cool if they put that guy Wario in the sequel, but also, I don’t know if they’d be able to keep him farting as much as he does in some of the games, you know?

Christopher Nolan: Oh come on, are these all going to be questions about Wario? I’m out of here.

Hard Drive: No, Chris, wait! I’m really sorry. I’m just trying to get comfortable. Can we chat about movies for a few minutes and then I’ll let you go? I know you’ve got a lot going on. I’ll straighten out, I promise.

Christopher Nolan: Fine. You’ve got two minutes.

Hard Drive: Thank you. Did you know they made a Barbie movie? It doesn’t seem very much like your movies at all. It just came out, too.

Christopher Nolan: Yes, I know about Barbie, and yes, I would agree with that statement. What’s your point, exactly?

Hard Drive: I think I’ll skip Barbie. I didn’t like those G.I. Joe movies at all.

Christopher Nolan: I don’t know what you want me to say.

Hard Drive: Did you like those G.I. Joe movies?

Christopher Nolan: I think this interview is over.

Hard Drive: No wait, let’s talk about Oppenheimer! Can I ask you about Oppenheimer?

Christopher Nolan: Fine. One question.

Hard Drive: The footage I saw in the trailer looks gorgeous. You probably want me to turn my phone sideways when I watch it, huh?

Christopher Nolan: I retire. That’s it. No more of this.

~~~

Wow! My first real scoop from one of these. So there you have it. Christopher Nolan is retiring! I’m not sure why he chose to announce it so abruptly, but the way everyone around him was freaking out and the way he kept yelling “I can’t do this shit anymore,” tells me he was serious. I can’t believe he told me of all the people he could’ve told. Oh, it’s probably because he thought I was writing for People magazine. Oopsie! Thanks for the interview, Chris. And thanks for all of the movies over the years!

30 Things George R.R. Martin Is Doing Instead of Writing ‘The Winds of Winter’

Posted on July 21, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Uhhhmmmm when will George R.R. Martin write the next book in the A Song of Ice and Fire series?! We don’t know! That being said, we can give you SOME answers. Here’s every single thing the guy’s doing other than writing that next book.

#30 — Who cares?

Why does it matter to you? Leave the man alone. He owes you absolutely nothing. What are you his goddamn boss? Grow up.

#29 — Reading articles speculating on what he’s up to

Hi George! Hope you’re doing OK and that you like this article about you. Now I dunno if your old school computer has every key, but tab over into that Winds doc and start figuring out what Tyrion is up to in that chapter you’re stuck on.

#28 — Buying more of those hats

George’s life force comes from those hats he wears. He’s like that old story about the lady with the red ribbon around her neck who dies when she takes it off, except his ribbon is the hats. So if you want the book to come out soon, DO NOT take that off his head.

#27 — Switching places with Guillermo Del Toro

George and Guillermo Del Toro love doing sitcom-style mix-ups where they trade places for a few days and see if anyone in their families notice.

#26 — Spooning with a Daenerys Targaryen body pillow

Sure, it’s a little weird, but it’s technically his OC so it’s…. Actually that might make it more weird.

#25 — House of the Dragon motion capture

George gets in one of those black morph suits with the little white balls on them to capture the footage used to make every single CGI dragon in the popular HBO show House of the Dragon.

#24 — Living his life

Outside of being a famous writer, television producer, and blogger, rumors have been circulating that Martin may actually have a family.

#23 — Doing promo for HBO

George openly supports both the SAG and WGA strikes, but since he is the most famous non-SAG person working on House of the Dragon, George has agreed to take over all promotional responsibilities from the actors, including several sexy magazine photoshoots.

#22 — Acting out all the characters

George famously doesn’t plan out his books fully while writing them. Instead, he puts on wigs and acts out the scenes in his office, playing each of the characters and doing little voices for them.

#21 — Adding more Dunk and Egg books to his queue

Every few months, George gets another idea for a book in the Dunk and Egg series that he promises he will one day get to in the next 50 years.

#20 — Dying

This isn’t an indictment of George in any way. Every second that time clicks forward, we are all marching one step towards death.

#19 — Reading tweets from people asking him to write the next book

If more people tweet “when is Winds of the Winter comeing out now” at George, he will write the books faster.

#18 — Posting “fan theories” on r/asoiaf

George famously hangs out in the various A Song of Ice and Fire related subreddits claiming he has a “fan theory” about the upcoming books that will suspiciously be proven true once he eventually publishes the damn things.

#17 — Practicing stand-up comedy

The famed author says that as soon as he finishes The Winds of Winter and A Dream of Spring, he’s going to try his hand at stand-up comedy. He’s been practicing a bit in the mirror for the last few months, but after those books are out, he’s heading straight to the nearest open mic!

#16 — Working on Elden Ring 2

George R.R. Martin loved working on Elden Ring and is hard at work coming up with more names that start with G, R, and M. Hey wait a second…

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The Venture Bros. Movie Is Out and You Have Until August 12th to Watch The 10 Best Episodes Before They Leave Max

Posted on July 21, 2023 by Kevin Podas

Venturoos, you have been patient — and your reward is finally upon you. After 20 years and only 7 seasons, Venture Bros.: Radiant Is the Blood of the Baboon Heart, a feature-length film that sets out to conclude the long-running Adult Swim series Venture Bros., is about to be released. And what better moment to capitalize on that and make a listicle of the top 10 episodes of Venture Bros. than right now.

After its sudden and untimely cancellation in 2020, many fans (myself included) were terrified that so many of the dangling plot threads would remain un-concluded, hanging there, unanswered for all eternity. Shortly after its cancellation though, a revival was said to be in production via HBO Max in the form of a movie. But then the Warner Bros. Discovery merger happened, HBO Max became “Max,” and the ax came swinging down on almost every single production worth a damn.

But then, a miracle happened: a trailer dropped, and the movie was confirmed to be completed! So naturally the first thing I did upon hearing the good news was to sit my ass down and re-watch the series from the beginning, which is currently streaming in its entirety on Max. So without further ado: here are the top 10 episodes of Venture Bros. to rewatch before the movie. You know, before Max removes them from the library in like three weeks for some reason.

#10 — The Family That Slays Together, Stays Together Part 2
(season 3, episode 13)

“Why did you buckle it? Why did you do that?!” Most seasons of Venture Bros. end in highly cinematic two-parter conclusions, with this being the best of the bunch in my opinion. It feels like it truly closes off an arc of the show, with Brock Samson leaving the Venture family to work directly for O.S.I. again, Hank and Dean’s replacement clone surplus accidentally gets destroyed, and of course, the tragic death of Henchman 24. This episode was unbelievably hype, and is that perfect mix of irreverent humor and shockingly good worldbuilding that Venture Bros. is known for.

#9 — Any Which Way But Zeus
(season 4, episode 11)

“I fought an 8-year-old! And the only reason I won is because he fell on a spike!” Many of the great side characters of Venture Bros. get time to shine in this episode, as they are abducted one-by-one by a mysterious Zeus-like figure and forced to participate in a gladiatorial tournament. We see Henchman 21 start to come to terms with the death of his best friend Henchman 24, the original Captain Sunshine’s identity is revealed, and of course a lot of great Shoreleave action. Venture Bros.’ greatest strength is arguably its colorful cast of characters, and this episode gives them a whole lot of love and attention.

#8 — O.S.I. Love You
(season 5, episode 6)

“Washington wants a full report on this colossal cluster-fudge.” A lot of the best episodes of Venture Bros. have fun with switching up the show’s standard framing devices by telling a story in a completely different way from before. O.S.I. Love You begins with a rather tense cold open, but then the truth is slowly unraveled through a series of military interrogations while including a lot of hilarious interactions along the way. Creators Doc Hammer and Jackson Publick have an amazing talent of being able to come up with a seemingly endless amount of characters that are entire genre parodies in and of themselves, yet are confident enough to throw them away immediately if the plot requires it. Seriously: Shuttlecock, Tank Top, Bum Rush? I would watch an entire show about these guys, yet here they are used for simple joke fodder in one scene. Incredible.

#7 — ¡Viva los Muertos!
(season 2, episode 11)

“No groovy treats until you find a clue, dirtbag!” This episode is a lot of things at once, yet somehow pulls it all off graciously: Dr. Venture plays Dr. Frankenstein by reviving a dead henchman of the Monarch and forces him to become his slave, a shockingly dark parody of Scooby-Doo is portrayed in “The Groovy Gang,” and the Venture Bros. find out for the first time that they have clones of themselves, to which Dr. Venture responds by quickly fabricating a lie about those actually being their Christmas presents he was hiding. Classic doc. Apparently this is the only episode not written by Venture Bros. creators Jackson Publick or Doc Hammer, and is instead written by Ben Edlund who is the creator of The Tick, a show I loved as a young boy and shares a significant amount of DNA with Venture Bros.

#6 — Escape to the House of Mummies Part 2
(season 2, episode 4)

“Dean, stop riding the Perfect Man.” Escape to the House of Mummies Part 2 is Venture Bros. wackiness at its finest, simply in that there is no Escape to the House of Mummies Part 1. That’s the whole joke. The show really leans into its roots as a Jonny Quest parody in this episode, featuring globetrotting adventure, time travel, and H. Jon Benjamin as an arcane master of the magic arts who can’t stop licking his own crotch. Sometimes it’s just fun to break away from the main plot and have the characters goof off and do what they do best. And if story advancement happens, that’s a bonus.

#5 — All This and Gargantua-2
(season 6, episode 1)

“How do I modify the controller? This is like when I got stuck in that cart playing Red Dead Redemption.” Technically this episode aired as an hour-long special between seasons, but Max has it listed as the season 6 premiere so let’s just go with that. The complete opposite of the episode listed above, All This and Gargantua-2 is almost entirely focused on moving the show’s overarching plot forward. It almost seemed like it could be the conclusion to the entire series as a whole, if not for a few dangling threads left cleverly hanging. This episode also acts as an end of an arc of sorts, with the death of Jonas Venture Jr., and The Investors being gracefully dispatched by Dr. Henry Killinger. It’s also a wonderful reminder of how great it is to hear Toby Huss’ vibrant performance as General Treister.

#4 — Momma’s Boys
(season 5, episode 7)

“Boys, we are dealing with the type of criminal that would desecrate a child’s toy!” This episode features Venture Bros.’ accidental antihero Dr. Venture at his finest– narcissistic and completely oblivious to the world around him. The plot revolves around the boys tricking their gullible father with a talking teddy bear (a running gag from a previous episode) and then ends up turning into a full blown prison heist. We also find out that Hank and Dean’s mother isn’t who we thought it was, giving us one answer, yet leaving us with more questions yet again…

#3 — Past Tense
(season 1, episode 11)

“Oh, come on! You’re gonna kill me because I had fake sex on graph paper with a girl who barely spoke to you in real life?” Venture Bros.’ first season is incredibly strong. I must have seen the episodes on repeat endlessly while Adult Swim aired them in perpetuity before there was a second season. As such, Past Tense is an early example of the show’s hilarious use of worldbuilding, where we find out that Dr. Venture, Pete White, Baron Ünderbheit, and Brock Samson all went to the same college at the same time. The plot is told via a fun mix of flashbacks and present day scenarios, and includes a whodunit mystery that keeps us guessing all the way until the very end.

#2 — The Revenge Society
(season 4, episode 5)

“Two heads are better than one!” “What does that have to do with anything?” The Revenge Society is a nearly perfect episode of TV, remaining both thrilling and hilarious from beginning to end. It closes out the story of “the Orb,” which we come to find out was completely useless the entire time. Phantom Limb’s return after falling from grace is terrifying yet comical, and it gives us a shocking amount of background into the show’s bureaucratic organization of evil: the Guild of Calamitous Intent.

#1 — Guess Who’s Coming To State Dinner
(season 2, episode 9)

“Honestly? I’m kinda hoping to earn my wings on this deal.” Maybe it’s the goofy top hat and beard, but there’s almost always comedic gold when you put Abraham Lincoln into a cartoon, and this has got to be the best example there is. Guess Who’s Coming To State Dinner acts as a follow-up to an episode from season one. Colonel Bud Manstrong returns from space, is turned into a Manchurian Candidate set to assassinate the president by his mother, and can only be stopped by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln wrapped up in five dollar bills. The premise itself is pure gold, and the episode is wall-to-wall laughs with some of the best joke writing in the entire series.

There are so many great episodes and great characters that I didn’t even get to touch on in this list. But at the end of the day, it’s tough to truly pick the best episodes of Venture Bros. because heck, there ain’t a bad one in the bunch! Feel free to argue in the comments section or on twitter about it, though. We love engagement here.

Marvel Snap Destroy Deck Guide: The Best Destroy Decks in 2023

Posted on July 21, 2023 by Aun Haider

The Destroy deck archetype is one of the most unique in Marvel Snap. Destroy decks attempt to destroy a variety of the cards they play, triggering their on-death effects.

This playstyle requires precise deckbuilding to ensure that you have the correct proportion of cards that destroy, and those that want to be destroyed. Doing so rewards you with a deck that lets you blow up everything you play, and still end up with more power at each location than your opponent.

Here are our picks for the best Destroy decks in Marvel Snap.

Thanos Destroy Deck

This destroy deck takes advantage of Thanos and the Infinity Stones alongside powerful destroy cards. Each of the Infinity Stones (shuffled into your deck at the beginning of the match) have powerful On Reveal effects, but are very low in power. These can be destroyed by cards like Deathlok, Killmonger, Carnage, and Venom to clear out locations. Carnage and Venom also grow in power when they destroy other cards. Wolverine and Bucky Barnes are also cards that like to be destroyed due the effects triggered on their destruction. Death and Knull benefit from cards being destroyed as well, with Death becoming cheaper to play for each card destroyed and Knull gaining the power of all destroyed cards. Yondu, Killmonger and Shang-Chi provide a way to interfere with the opponent.

Marvel Snap Destroy Deck Guide: Nimrod

This Destroy deck features Nimrod, and plays more like a combo deck. Your ideal play is to use Invisible Woman to hide Shuri and Nimrod until the last turn of the game, where they are blown up by Deathlok, Carnage or Destroyer. This summon 12-power Nimrods to other locations.

Wolverine and Nova serve as fodder to be destroyed, with Nova having the nice benefit of boosting every other allied card by one power when destroyed. Taskmaster can copy the power of a card double by Shuri. America Chavez is a round six play when we do not have the Destroyer to destroy Nimrod if possible.

Galactus Deck

This deck is very unique, as it aims to destroy the opponent’s cards alongside yours. You want to use cards like Electro and Wave to play our Galactus as fast as possible, blowing up the other locations and all the cards in it. This boosts the power of our Knull as it absorbs the power of all cards destroyed. After Galactus has been played, we can play our other high-cost cards such as America Chavez or Destroyer to win the one undestroyed location. Death is also amazing post-Galactus, as she becomes very cheap to play.

Doctor Octopus can be used before playing Galactus to pull cards out of the opponent’s hand to a location that Galactus is able to destroy. This can be combined with Spiderman to force opponent’s to not play in a certain location, or after playing Galactus to prevent the opponent from doing anything at all. Yet again, Shang-Chi and Yondu are our means to interact with the opponent.

These are our pick for some of the best Destroy decks to play in Marvel Snap. The Destroy archetype can be played in a variety of ways, so see what you can discover. And, while you’re at it, check out our picks for the best move decks to try something new.

Audience Erupts in MCU-Like Cheers After Oppenheimer Says “I Am Become Death”

Posted on July 20, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

NEW YORK — An audience at the Times Square AMC theater erupted into the type of cheer one would see at a Marvel movie during a screening of Oppenheimer after the titular character gave his iconic “now I am become death” speech, according to those in attendance.

“It was so fucking sick. So fucking sick. Actually getting to hear Oppenheimer say ‘now I am become death’ on the big screen was 100% my ‘Avengers, assemble’ moment,” said moviegoer and nuclear physics fan Tyler Hancock. “As soon as he said it, the audience just went absolutely nuts. I mean, we cheered really loud when Einstein showed up — and everyone went nuts when he stuck out his tongue — but people were standing up and clapping for the ‘I am become death’ line. I’ve never felt such electricity in a movie theater before.”

Early reviews of the film have called it “an action-adventure romp filled with laughs, daring stunts, romance, and an infectious sense of fun.”

“Probably the most fun I’ve had in the theater in a long time. I was doing the Leo pointing meme every time someone mentioned a famous scientist or horrific bombing,” said Linda Michael. “There was one hilarious scene where Oppenheimer and his buddies are debating if they should nuke Japan and one of them just straight up hits the button, and then they’re like ‘Did you just… did you just do the bomb?’ and then Oppe is like ‘yeah, we may have just done the bomb.’ Everyone was laughing so hard, I’m gonna have to watch it again at home to catch all of the dialogue I missed.”

Director Christopher Nolan said he was pleased to hear people are enjoying the film the way it was meant to be seen.

“Oppenheimer is designed to be watched in a big rowdy crowd who just loves this shit,” Nolan said. “We know it’s dumb fun, but all the little references to the lore and the goofy moments… sure, you might call it ‘empty content,’ but it’s what we nerds love. And the best part for me? Seeing everyone go crazy after the credits when it said ‘Oppenheimer will return.’ We’re not just making one movie — we’re making a world. And Oppenheimer is gonna blow it up.”

At press time, early box office reports revealed that not a single person under the age of 30 had bought a ticket for Oppenheimer.

It’s Going to Be “Political” — Everything We Know About the Mario Movie Sequel

Posted on July 20, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

While no official announcements have been made, the moviegoing public is all but certain that this year’s wildly successful Super Mario Bros. Movie will spawn a sequel. While details are scarce, here’s a reminder of everything that’s been confirmed so far.

Mario is potentially in it

We have heard reports that the famed red-hatted plumber will be reprising his role in the sequel film, but these rumors have not been confirmed in any way.

Early script troubles

Chris Pratt reportedly held out not for more money as was originally rumored, but reportedly until the script was modified to remove a scene where two male Toads in a group shot were described as holding hands.

Luigi currently refuses to leave the picket line

“I am an actor now,” he said, while standing with other striking members of the SAG-AFTRA union. “This shit is in my blood and I will die for my brothers and sisters in the union.”

Reportedly set in Asia

The highly secretive script is rumored to involve Luigi, Princess Peach, and Toad as they join Mario for a trip to Abu Dhabi, where Mario’s ex is filming a new movie.

It will release the same day as ‘Oppenheimer 2’

Both highly anticipated blockbusters currently share a rumored release date of May 8, 2026

It will score a 73% on Rotten Tomatoes

Rotten Tomatoes announced today that the review scores of the upcoming Mario movie will officially average out to 73%. Exciting!

More popular songs on the soundtrack

The sequel will largely eschew the source material’s classic score in addition to real life rock songs like “Seven Nation Army” by The White Stripes and “Maggots are Falling Like Rain” by GWAR

It will be more political than part one

Nintendo has revealed that they are preparing several versions of the script, depending on who wins the 2024 U.S. Presidential Election.

Peacock will own the streaming rights

The Mario sequel will debut on the platform approximately five hours after the film’s theatrical release.