SEATTLE — After finding out that his friend had started watching one of his favorite anime series without first reading the source material, manga enthusiast Calvin Pottle sagely volunteered to take the lowly anime watcher under his tutelage as an apprentice.
“Oh, my sweet summer child,” said Pottle. “You’ve chosen to watch Fullmetal Alchemist without first reading the manga that it’s based upon? Before you continue, you should know that there are not one, but two different anime adaptations of Fullmetal Alchemist, none of which compare to the majesty that is Hiromu Arakawa’s original work. However, for an anime-only watcher such as yourself… I shall make an exception and graciously take you under my wing as an apprentice.”
The lowly anime watcher in question, Josh Hampton, was confused and bewildered by Pottle’s suggestion.
“Apprentice? What is he talking about?” said Hampton. “I swear, he only gets like this when we talk about anime. He’s super gatekeep-y about it, and whenever I tell him I started watching a new series, he starts asking me a ton of questions: ‘Where are you watching it?’ ‘Which version are you watching?’ ‘Did you know there’s a manga that’s better?’ Jesus, if they cut out the one episode where the characters all go to the beach and play horny baseball together, I think I’ll survive. I don’t need a chaperone to watch cartoons.”
Despite Hampton ignoring Pottle’s generous offer, Pottle continued on with a plan in mind for him.
“Fear not, dear boy, for I have constructed a reading and watching order for you,” explained Pottle. “First, make sure to read all 108 chapters of the manga, and do not, I repeat, do NOT skip the 4-koma gag comics. You’ll be missing out on crucial character development and gut-wrenchingly hilarious side content. Then, watch episodes 1 through 25 of the original anime series. After that, you may skip episode 1 of the newer series, as well as episodes 2 through 12 if you feel the story is redundant, as they do cover a lot of the same grou– hey, are you even listening?”
At press time, Hampton decided to watch the live-action Netflix adaptation instead, directly defying his self-proclaimed master’s orders.
Early testers found the accurate build times to be “tedious” and “difficult to complete without being shot”
Epic has confirmed that not only are they working on Fortnite 2, but they are taking a page from industry leaders Blizzard’s recent work on Overwatch 2, and have pledged to fuck up every part of Fortnite that people love, and delist the beloved original as soon as they can.
You might not realize it if you haven’t played the game, but these Fortnite fans can be seen all over the place, practicing their building. Often during peak business hours!
A shocking new study reports that while 99% of today’s adolescents are familiar with and have V-Bucks, an astounding 80% of them have never used paper money. Some experts believe the V-Buck will replace the Actual Buck by 2030.
“Put that shit in my veins!” said the Raging Bull director, when asked if rumors were true that he enjoyed the popular Battle Royale title.
In fact, it recently inspired the ‘Drain your parents’ savings account’ trend on TikTok
Almost certainly, right? I mean, I didn’t look this up, but they’re making a Hot Wheels and Magic 8-Ball movies. So yeah, they’re definitely working on some Fortnite movie somewhere.
A violent street gang was recently apprehended after a series of shootings only after they were discovered dancing in unison a few blocks away. Their moves identified them as Fortnite players. I didn’t click the link or anything, but the fact that it might be true says a lot, doesn’t it?
In addition to wild premieres and rocking showcases, Epic Games also controversially once reenacted the assassination of John F. Kennedy in the streets of Misty Meadows in a live event they’ve since heavily apologized for, despite being positively received by a majority of the players that entered the sniping competition. 
This is what caused the game to flood for a while back in 2020.
In order to inject some life into the long running game, expect familiar locales like Slappy Shores and Frenzy Fields to be replaced by locations such as Queens and The Bronx!
Tim Sweeney has hinted at future collaborations with popular artists, musicians, filmmakers, and that Twitch streamer that showed everyone his dick the other day.
While still unconfirmed, most authorities agree that the recent tragedy involving a stolen school bus going over a cliff’s edge was almost certainly an ill-fated attempt at recreating Fortnite’s famed Battle Bus. An admirable attempt, but sadly the parachute did not work as portrayed in the game. A tragic, tragic loss. Hard Drive sends their condolences to the 99 grieving families, and our congratulations to the one boy that miraculously survived. 
“I can’t imagine caring about any part of this story in any way at all.”
