“Get In The Robot,” Our Interview With Hideaki Anno

We spoke with legendary animator and filmmaker Hideaki Anno, creator of Neon Genesis Evangelion, Shin Godzilla, and many more iconic works, to discuss his influences and pressures as a creative.

There is a lot of Christian iconography in Evangelion. Do you consider yourself to be a religious man?

“Fuck no. I just think it looks badass. Remember when that one angel exploded into this like, giant fuckin’ cross, and everybody was all, ‘awww no way!’ It was kinda like, ‘Jesus WHO?’ You know?”

Do you consider yourself to be an otaku?

“Yes, absolutely. Godzilla and Ultraman were like a mother and father to me, respectively.”

So getting to direct Shin Godzilla was a pretty big deal for you, I imagine.

“You have no idea. When Toho reached out to me and asked if I would like to helm the ‘Shin’ series of films, I was already wearing my Kamen Rider outfit. Sometimes I sleep in it, actually.”

A lot of people theorize that Shinji Ikari in Evangelion is a self-insert character. Is that true?

Incorrect. I really saw myself more as Pen Pen– the warm water penguin who lives in Misato’s freezer! He’s so cute.”

You worked with Hayao Miyazaki for a number of years– what was that like?

“Getting to work under a master like him really helped me hone my craft to an unparalleled degree. Though sometimes he would hit me over the head with a newspaper and call me a stupid otaku. It’s okay though, I deserved it.”

Is there a dream project you’d love to work on?

“Yes– as much of an honor as it was to direct for properties such as Godzilla and Kamen Rider, one day I would very much like to adapt Tom and Jerry. I like when Jerry eats the big wedge of cheese and his body retains the shape of the cheese. (laughter)”

What made you want to revisit Evangelion with the ‘Rebuild’ series of films?

“Fuck man, can I be real with you for a sec? Am I allowed to be real here? Initially, I knew that if we made more movies that had more robots and more cute girls, we’d sell more toys. I mean, I know I’d buy more toys, at least. But I ended up getting all personal with it and shit, and ended up making four of the fuckers. I honestly just can’t help myself sometimes.”

Let me ask you an age-old question that’s been plaguing the internet for years: Rei or Asuka?

“Again, I am going to have to say Pen Pen. He’s so cute!”

Would you ever pilot a giant robot or mech suit if given the opportunity?

“If a stern, yet distant father figure were to order me to do so– absolutely.”

Who is your favorite kaiju?

“King Ghidorah. I sometimes imagine one of its three heads swallowing me and digesting me whole– purely for research purposes, of course.”

Is there anything you would change if you could go back and do Evangelion all over again?

“All over again? I just told you, I already did that. Six times. And hell, I’ll probably go back to the well again if obsessive fans truly demand it from their hearts.”

Well a lot of people debate over what the true ending to Evangelion is: the introspective final two episodes, or the film End of Evangelion?

“You people HAVE to move on from this, I swear. I mean, I thought I was bad, being an obsessive otaku and all, but the original series ended nearly 30 years ago. Truthfully I don’t even remember what happened at the end. A bunch of people clapping or something, sure that’s great, cut and wrap. Moving on.”

What inspires you to animate?

“I love cartoons, and I also love digging deep into personal traumas. Combine the two and it’s like, ‘hey who got chocolate in my peanut butter?'”

The legendary short film you animated with your friends back in the early 80s for Daicon IV still ripples throughout the internet. What inspired you to make that?

“I wanted to toss in as much licensed IP and commit as much copyright infringement as possible. That was really it. Star Wars fighting Gundam fighting Batman— you could almost call it the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny.”

Why do you feel that your other series, Nadia: The Secret of Blue Water, has less staying power than Evangelion?

“Probably because even I don’t remember that. Was that me?”

If you could have any special ability, what would it be?

“The ability to turn invisible so nobody could ever talk to me and ask me about what the ending of Evangelion actually meant.”

What do you think of Hayao Miyazaki’s return from retirement yet again?

“I coulda told you that he was gonna do that, dude’s a total workhorse. People say that I’m the self-flagellating one, but I’m not so sure.”

What was it like to voice act as the main character for The Wind Rises?

“It was a little different, obviously. I’d like to think my performance totally blew out Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s from the English dub, though. I think it’s pretty clear I can do anything he can do at this point. That’s right, it’s official: me and Joseph Gordon-Levitt got beef.”

Do you miss working with Studio Gainax?

“It’s whatever, honestly. I helped built that place with my own two hands, and then I did it all over again with Studio Khara. Just get in the robot, and do it all over again. Or at least that’s what I tell myself in the mirror every morning.”

So, what’s next for you?

“Honestly man, I’m just gonna be straight chilling for a while, not gonna lie. I made my monster movies, I remade my cartoon, I’m tired dude. Catch me outside with a fuckin’ beer in hand or something, I dunno.”

 

USB Desk Fan Perfectly Cools USB Port Used To Power It

NEW YORK — A USB-powered desk fan recently purchased by office worker Alejandro Peña is perfectly cooling the USB port used to use it, multiple tech insiders report.

“I’m extremely impressed with this little fan’s ability to really bring down the temperature of the way I power it,” says Peña, whose ongoing struggle to cool his work area continues to make international news. “What happened was the last fan I had was overheating, so I had to get a second fan to point at that one, which had to be powered by USB, which then started overheating. I was tearing my hair out, ordering experimental Soviet-era black market fans from overseas, draining my savings. Long story short I ended up getting a visit from Homeland Security.”

The U.S Department of Homeland Security, reached for comment, pointed to previous comments on the matter by spokeswoman Lydia Howell.

“I can confirm that the Department has historically been concerned with any individual or business that makes repeated purchases of specific mechanical and technological items, no matter how mind-bogglingly stupid the purpose,” she said. “Plus we have, like, a gazillion dollar budget, and that money isn’t gonna spend itself.”

Professor Angela McDowell, Chair of Mechanical Engineering at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, argued that, while Mr. Peña’s new fan would likely continue to provide self-sustaining cooling for some time, the industry writ large remains in the embryonic stage.

“Consumer-grade desktop air systems have advanced in many areas,” she said. “But Fan Science as a whole has a way to go before we can hope to cool things beyond that which powers them. For instance, I’m conducting a $300 million study of those little hand fans people use at sporting events to cool them down when they’re tired from holding the fan. We really want to dig down into the science and ask: What if fan, but more?”

As of press time, Peña was seen purchasing three refrigerators of increasingly large size.

Deep Lore: Blizzard Reveals “Diablo” Means “Devil”

IRVINE, Calif — Legendary video game developer Blizzard Entertainment revealed the answer to a 25-year-old mystery when they announced the meaning behind the title of their iconic series, Diablo.

“Of course, everyone knows that Baal is an ancient Semitic word meaning, ‘Lord,’ and that it is used in the Bible in reference to several Canaanite deities, especially the storm god Hadad,” Blizzard explained in a post to X, formerly known as Twitter. “And it’s common knowledge that Lilith is a nod to Jewish folklore, where she was the disobedient first wife of Adam who was banished from the Garden of Eden. But what we’ve never revealed is that our titular demon’s name is actually the Spanish word for ‘devil!’ That’s right, the Lord of Terror is a metaphor for the actual devil!”

Fans of the series were caught completely off guard by the news.

“It’s absolutely insane to think that the lore is that complex,” said Sam Jennings, who said the first game he ever beat was the original Diablo. “I’m a huge fan — I’ve even read all the books — so I knew that they included a few off-hand references to Judeo-Christian mythology, but even I didn’t realize how extensive it was. You couldn’t have connected the dots until they announced it, though it’s clear as day now that we have this information.”

Kelvin Pace, a games industry analyst, said that publishers have hidden Easter eggs in titles by using obscure foreign languages for years.

“It’s not something that general audiences pick up on, but it’s amusing for the developers,” said Pace. “For example, the title ‘Viva Piñata’ refers to the fact that the collectible animal characters in the game are actually piñatas, papier-mâché models typically filled with candy. And the mid-2000s third-person shooter ‘El Matador’ translates to, ‘mediocre.’ A lot of thought goes into these titles. Blizzard went through thousands of Spanish words until they found the perfect one.”

At press time, Blizzard further revealed that the game’s skeleton enemies are actually the rotted remains of human corpses.

Rockstar Announces ‘Grand Theft Auto VI’ Will Have Over 1,000 Planets You Can Visit

NEW YORK CITY — While details about their long awaited Grand Theft Auto 6 remain scarce, Rockstar Games recently revealed that the upcoming sequel will have over 1,000 planets you can visit, sources have confirmed. 

“We’re not gonna be outdone by any other game, including Starfield,” said Dan Houser, an executive producer of Grand Theft Auto 6. “So while it wasn’t in our initial plans, when I first heard about what they were doing over at Bethesda, I called an all hands on deck meeting and had everyone come in one Saturday, well not me, I zoomed in, but I told them that our game had to do the planets thing too. It’s caused further delays to the game’s release, as I’m sure you can understand, but do you guys want the 1,000 planets or not?”

The surprise announcement garnered mixed reactions from gamers. 

“That’s why it’s taking so damn long?” asked local gamer George Hogan. “Because they’re putting in space exploration? Huh. On one hand, this almost certainly will push the game’s release back to the 2030 window, so that sucks. On the other hand, I love exploring a big open world in these games, and well, it sounds like I might get to do a thousand of them. So hopefully it will be worth the wait. Oh man, there’s definitely going to be a whole stripper planet, huh?” 

GTA VI developers, however, seemed unanimously worried about the ambitious changes to the project. 

“We just have to add this shit in there, I guess?” asked programmer Melanie Turner. “They haven’t told us how the players are getting to planets, they haven’t told us how they expect us to incorporate it into the storyline we’ve been working on for years, they really just sent us some Starfield TikToks one night and wrote ‘we do 2?’ in the email. At this rate, I’m going to quit this job before Rockstar gets the chance to lay us all off once the game is done.” 

As of press time, Rockstar developers confirmed that Uranus would be one of the planets available for players to explore, after which they all snickered and fist bumped. 

Used Game Sales Increase 400% After Taylor Swift Seen Playing a Sega Game Gear

NEW YORK CITY — A photograph taken by tabloid outlet TMZ which features Taylor Swift playing a Sega Game Gear, a portable gaming console from the 1990s, has caused major disruptions in the preowned gaming industry, sources have confirmed.

“Busiest week of my life,” said Bert Grantham, owner of Bert’s Bits, a used gaming store in Brooklyn. “Lately, I’ve been struggling just to pay my bills, but Monday I come and open up, and all these girls in Taylor Swift shirts say they need Sega Game Gears, and they need them now. I sold out of games, accessories, damn near everything. These girls were so curious about video games all of the sudden, they were buying strategy guides to stuff they didn’t even have. Then all the ones who arrived after I sold out of Game Gears threatened to put me out of business.”

The surge of new customers proved curious to established patrons of Bert’s Bits.  

“Doesn’t really make sense to me,” said Troy Agnew, a regular customer. “She’s on a tour bus all the time, plus now she has time to kill at her boyfriend’s football games. Every reason in the world to own a handheld console. Also, please remember that Taylor Swift can afford to get into whatever hobby she wants, even collecting retro video games. I think it’s cool if a bunch of Swifties get into gaming, but they’re just not able to have the same experience she is. Maybe at least download some emulators and see if you like it before you make it your whole thing, you know?”

As of press time, Swift had announced her next stadium tour would be composed of “probably about half Sonic covers.” 

50 PS2 Games Slightly Younger Millenial Parents Should Force on Their Uninterested Kids

Hard Drive recently published a list of PS1 games for millennial parents to force on their children, implying we millennials grew up in the 32-bit era. Obviously, that article was written by a clueless boomer who was probably born in the 80’s or something. All true millennials grew up on the greatest console of all time: Sony’s Play Station 2. In order to make up for this lapse in generational awareness we now present the 50 PS2 games millennial parents should make their children play. 

1. Dark Cloud

Kids today cry about weapon durability in Zelda because they’ve been coddled by modern games. Those of us raised in the harsh dungeons of Dark Cloud are just grateful we don’t have to manage Link’s hydration. 

2. GTA San Andreas

Hillary Clinton tried to take this game down and that’s why she lost the 2016 election. At least that’s what you can tell your kid instead of having a difficult conversation about systemic sexism.

3. Tekken 4

You won’t remember why this was your favorite Tekken until you see Christie. Then you’ll suddenly realize you were just really horny for that character. Have fun explaining to your kid that you’re making them play this because of how hot the Capoeira girl is. 

4. Final Fantasy X

It might be hard to ignore the parallels between yourself and Jecht when you’re forcing your kid to play hours of blitzball and criticizing their skill at it. But hey, at least the ending will let you know if your kid’s going to cry at your funeral or not. 

5. Sly Cooper 

You need to accept that statistically there’s a good chance your kid will be a furry. It’s important to cover your bases and hit the classics like this game and Disney’s Robin Hood just in case. You don’t want to raise the one furry at the convention who doesn’t know Carmalilta Fox by sight. 

6. Silent Hill 2

Sex is weird and uncomfortable to talk about. Make sure your kid is too terrified of sex to ever ask about it by making them play this psychosexual horror masterpiece. That’s just good parenting. 

7. Devil May Cry 3

It’s crucial to preserve this aesthetic for future generations now that Hot Topic just sells anime t-shirts. How else will future generations know how cool the trench coat over bondage gear look was? 

8. The Sopranos: Road to Respect

You’ve never gotten around the watching The Sopranos but you did buy this game for $2 at a garage sale in 2010. After skipping out on his seminal work don’t you owe it to James Gandolfini to make your kid suffer through his only video game credit?

9. Rogue Galaxy

There are approximately a thousand pretty good JRPGs on the PS2 and Rogue Galaxy is the one you got for your 12th birthday making it the best one. Remember, forced nostalgia isn’t about “the greats” it’s about the ones you kinda sorta remember.

10. Shadow of the Colossus

Back in the 2000’s games were all about mindlessly killing giant monsters with swords. Then Shadow of the Colossus broke the mold by being about killing giant monsters with a sword and then feeling bad about it. That’s art, baby 

11. Psychonauts

It’s going to be hard to tell if The Milkman Conspiracy has aged well or not. On one hand, the game’s warning about conspiracy theories is more relevant than ever. On the other hand, the level is a lot less fun once you realize Boyd Cooper was definitely at the capital on January 6th. 

12. Katamari Damacy

This game about a narcissistic king sending his son to mindlessly collect stuff in order to restore things to how they used to be is strangely appealing to you. It’s impossible to say why. 

13. Metal Gears Solid 3: Snake Eater

You can really make this project multi-generational with Metal Gear Solid 3 because let’s be honest you’re gonna have to get your dad to explain all the references to The Great Escape and David Bowie lyrics. 

14. Armored Core 2

Armored Core is billed as a mech combat franchise but early games were actually about something much more important: accounting. Every mission charges you for the ammo you use and damage to your mech, meaning even successful missions might lose you money. Eventually, your kid will be crushed under a mountain of debt, preparing them for the real-life mountain of debt that will someday crush them.

15. Suikoden III

One of this game’s playable characters is a cute little Shiba Inu who leads an elite all-dog military squad. That fact alone makes this game better than all the other Suikoden games. Actually, it makes it better than all the other video games ever made. 

16. God of War

This is an important game because it popularized QTE’s, finally perfecting gameplay. No more remembering what a button does or feeling immersed in a fantastical world. The game tells you to push a button so you press the button and get rewarded with a hyperviolent animation. The game will literally condition your kid to like it. 

17. Kingdom Hearts

Kids love Disney characters which will help them get past how convoluted the story is and how poorly the controls have aged. It’s like coating your dog’s pills in peanut butter, but the peanut butter is popular children’s IP and the pill is Tetsuya Nomura. 

18. Marvel: Ultimate Alliance

When you played this game back before the MCU existed it was mostly an excuse for you to explain who Deadpool was to your less nerdy friends. If you want to recapture that feeling you need to make your kid play this game before the MCU teaches them who the everloving Thing is. 

19. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Between Mario and Sonic kids today think video game movies are good. Don’t let them forget the atrocities committed by Hollywood against gamers. Make them play this game then show them what Jake Gyllenhaal did to it. 

20. Soulcalibur II

Sure, the GameCube version had Link, but you were never jealous. I’m sure your kid won’t be either, I mean when’s the last time Zelda was even a relevant franchise? 

21. Persona 3

Everyone loves Persona now but you were into it back when it was niche and cool. You get extra coolness points for this one because Persona 3 is the edgy Persona where the characters shoot themselves. Your kids will have to respect you once they know how cool your tastes were in middle school.

22. Antz Extreme Racing 

Playing this game is really just an excuse for you to talk about how underrated you think the 1998 animated film Antz was. Sure, A Bug’s Life looked better but you’ve been arguing with people that Antz was better since grade school and you’re not stopping now. This game will not help your argument. 

23. Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King

You’ve actually never played Dragon Quest which really puts your JRPG street cred at risk. If you make your kid play this one you can ask them for notes and pretend like you’ve played it. I mean, you’re an adult now you don’t have the time to play an entire Dragon Quest. 

24. Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy

You got this game for Christmas in 2001. It’s going to be tempting to bring up 9/11 when you remember that fact but I promise you it’s not actually relevant to the game and your kid doesn’t want to hear you talk about where you were when the towers fell again. 

25. Dragon Ball Z: Budokai 

Your idiot kid is going to pick Goku because he’s the strongest. They’ll never see the Captain Ginyu body switch coming until it’s too late. If they don’t know Ginyu’s move set well enough to switch back then that’s on them. 

FBI Whistleblower Says Aliens Exist and Also There’s a Worm Man

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking revelation, a former FBI Insider gave sworn testimony this week confirming the existence of what he called “non-human biologics – and also a worm man,” sources have confirmed.

“I was initially informed of their existence during the course of my official duties, and later confirmed for myself, that aliens do exist – and also there’s a worm man,” claimed the FBI Whistleblower. “Sort of like a half-man, half-worm kind of deal. This all falls under the umbrella of the ‘UAP task force’. They’re assigned to retrieve non-human-origin technical vehicles. And they also have to feed the worm man. He’s living in a big tank, and they have these flakes that they sort of shake into the water for him.”

The testimony has rocked the scientific world, leading many to question the very foundation of human existence.

“If worm-guys are real, then who knows what else could be out there?” asked Dr. Maria Zuber, Head of MITs Research Department. “What if there’s also a fish-man? Can the fish-man feel love? And what if a person falls in love with the fish-man? How would they express their love, physically? Would they do it like fish or like men? I have a lot of questions.”

The revelation quickly captured the general public’s imagination. Believers and skeptics alike gathered Wednesday night to listen as the whistleblower continued his testimony before congress.

“People will say there’s no precedent for a worm man, but the term ‘worm’ is derived from the Norse word ‘orm’, meaning ‘serpent’ or ‘dragon’, and history is littered with countless examples of humans confronting dragons,” said the charismatic FBI agent. “Of course, ‘Saint George and the Worm Man’ doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.”

Following the hearing, China’s Vice Premier Ding Xuexiang told reporters: “If the United States has been hiding a worm-man, I don’t see how they can be trusted to negotiate a trade deal in good faith.”

“This Toy Costs Way Too Much,” Says Man Buying It

VALENCIA, Calif. — A surprising source of financial strain has emerged in the ongoing inflation crisis, according to one local man with disposable income.

“This toy costs way too much,” said Joshua Knox, 28, as he clicked the button to confirm his $519.99 eBay order of an unopened Power Rangers Dino Thunder Drago Morpher. “It sucks, but getting it mint is the only way to ensure I get all the faceplates, including the Parasaur one. And if I don’t have all the faceplates, I have nothing but the sucking void within and a dinosaur watch that doesn’t tell time.”

To make the most of his hefty purchase, Knox says he intends to wear the morpher and perhaps even act out being a Power Ranger at least once a month. Otherwise, the toy will be stored safely in his desk drawer with others like it to minimize “yellowing” of its mostly white plastic due to ultraviolet light exposure.

“It’s messed up, honestly,” said Simon Massey, the eBay seller from whom Knox bought the toy, which had a suggested retail price of $9.99 in 2004. “You’ve got dickheads selling this kind of thing for fifty or sixty times what it’s worth,” he continued, while listing a Dino Morpher for $574.99. “But that’s just the market at work, I guess. What can you do?”

Hayley Young, an economist studying the impact of collectibles markets on broader patterns of consumption and vice versa, claims her “Nostalgia-Greed Index” may have the answer.

“As human quality of life goes down, the desire to return to a subjectively ‘better’ time goes up,” explained Young. “So when you have a high cost of living, for example, people who can’t afford houses will settle for buying all the toys they wanted as kids. Toy demand spikes, which leads to price surges, which further lowers quality of life, and it spirals from there. If we can institute policies that improve people’s lives materially and emotionally, they’ll be less inclined to seek refuge in twenty-year-old Power Rangers merch, and prices should stabilize.”

Representatives for Hasbro, the current owner of Power Rangers, declined to comment on Young’s theory of the relationship between greed, nostalgia, and collectible prices. However, sources say this is due to all hands being on deck to ship out early limited release orders of the Tommy Oliver Master Morpher, Hasbro’s fourth and most expensive iteration of the classic Power Morpher so far.

‘Super Mario Bros. Wonder’ to Introduce “Good” Version of Waluigi

KYOTO, Japan — The cast of the Super Mario franchise is set to grow with the release of the upcoming title Super Mario Bros. Wonder, Nintendo revealed in a video posted on social media.

“It made sense to add a virtuous reflection of Waluigi,” said Shigeru Miyamoto, creator of the Super Mario series. “Wario and Waluigi are a pair, so why isn’t Mario part of a duo? The visual template is already there: one short and squat, the other tall and skinny. It was as though our work was already done for us.”

Some fans of the series expressed displeasure with the decision to add a new character.

“It’s just unnecessary,” said Shawn Poole, who said that he had been playing Super Mario games since the 1980s. “It’s like they’re adding a pointless character just because Wario has a brother. Even the name is so clunky. Luigi? I’ve heard it makes more sense in Japanese, but it doesn’t really scan in English. They just removed the ‘Wa.’ It’s not like Mario’s name is ‘Rio.’ Ultimately, it’s just a tacky stunt that cheapens a beloved, richly-drawn character.”

Charles Martinet, who recently stepped down from his role of voicing Waluigi and many other Super Mario characters, said that he had mixed feelings about the expansion of the Mario family.

“It’s always thrilling to see what Papa Miyamoto comes up with,” said Martinet, who peppered his speech with Mario catch-phrases. “Wahoo! I’m sure Luigi will be a delightful, colorful character that the fans will love — me most of all! At the same time, it’s bittersweet. Oh no! I’m very sad that I will never get the chance to help create a voice and personality for Luigi. Still, I’m excited to meet him along with the rest of the world this Fall! Mamma mia!”

At press time, Sega announced that they are developing a game based around a new character described as a less edgy version of their iconic mascot, Shadow the Hedgehog.

 

Holy Shit: Sequel Integrates Number Into Title

HOLLYWOOD — In what many are calling an absolute touch of genius, producers behind the fourth film in the Expendables franchise, Expend4bles, made the brilliant decision to incorporate the numbered order of the film into the movie’s title.

“Yeah uhhhh I dunno, it just came to me in a dream or somethin’, I think,” said Sylvester Stallone. “The ways I sees it is, it’s the fourth movie in the series, and the number 4? It kinda looks like the letter ‘A’ a little bit if you’ve been really sleep-deprived or punched in the head a lotta times.”

It’s not just Hollywood, though. Many different industries have been incorporating the practice for years.

“Well y’see, it was the second game in the Banjo-Kazooie series, and we just had an absolutely mad idea,” said Tim Stamper, co-founder of Rare. “Get this: we called it Banjo-Tooie. ‘Cos it’s like number two, but it’s also ‘too’, which means another, as in another Banjo-Kazooie game. It’s bloody brilliant, innit?!”

Executives in Hollywood tend to encourage the practice as much as possible.

“We’ve been chasing this high ever since 2 Fast 2 Furious. I can’t believe we got away with doing it twice in the same movie!” said Peter Cramer, president of Universal Pictures. “It alleviates any confusion within the audience whatsoever, who are definitely too stupid to know that they might be watching a sequel. And hey, who doesn’t love a good pun, am I right?”

At press time, test audiences have reportedly had great difficulty trying to pronounce the name Expend4bles.

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