Every Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Video Game Ranked by Whether or Not It’s ‘Turtles in Time’

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Big Apple, 3:00 A.M. 

If you’re a certain type of person, odds are good that right now a series of lights and sounds are playing in your head reminding you of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles IV: Turtles in Time for the SNES. To everyone else, it can be hard to explain, but that game is perfect. Perfect! Whether you played the aforementioned SNES cartridge or its original arcade cabinet, there’s no denying that none of the other two dozen or so TMNT games that have been released since have been Turtles in Time. Let’s be honest here, most of these games range from good to great, but when you play them, if you’re anything like me you’re thinking “Okay, this is cool, but why aren’t I just playing Turtles in Time?” A fair question! I don’t have a good answer for it, either. 

If you’re curious, however, about which games come closest to being Turtles in Time, hang tight dude, because you’re not going to believe what I have for you. It’s your lucky day. Here’s every Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle game ranked by whether or not it’s actually Turtles in Time!

(Oh, and I didn’t feel the need to include every offshoot pinball or Tiger electronics TMNT game they made. Everything I forgot to include on this list was done on purpose. 100 percent.)

#25. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Training Lair (Kinect)

I’m sure it will surprise nobody to read this stupid Kinect game is nothing at all like Turtles in Time and unfortunately much more like some awkward Nick Arcade thing. Nick Arcade was a game show, by the way. Not some guy. 

#24. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Splintered Fate (Apple Arcade)

This game is an absolute gem, and could really be a little breakout hit if it ever comes off of Apple Arcade and hits Steam or consoles or something. I played the hell out of this when came out earlier this year, but not because it’s anything like Turtles in Time. In fact, they’re straight-up doing Hades here. But honestly, Ninja-Turtles-as-Hades is a blast. Download this on an iPad and sync a controller up and watch the hours disappear. Then impress your friends by knowing about this weird Ninja Turtle game no one has heard of but is totally real, I swear to god.

#23. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows (Xbox 360, PS3, Windows)

While surprisingly deep and not a total failure, Out of the Shadows feels like the Turtles doing Arkham style combat more than the straightforward brawling their games became beloved for. Still, like Splintered Fate, it can be kind of fun when the dudes take on a different style of game once in a while. Hell, there’s dozens of them, they don’t all have to be Turtles in Time. I guess. 

*sigh*

#22. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (NES)

This game does a whole bunch of shit, and almost none of it is like Turtles in Time. If you want to be optimistic, you could say this game is ambitious and tries a lot of stuff. If you want to be realistic, then you know that it fails at most of it. The underwater segment rightfully has a reputation for being overly difficult, but even if you beat that there’s a bunch of van shit where you drive the van around and deal with increasingly confusing and unfair enemies and levels. In short, it’s all kinda bogus, whereas Turtles in Time is majorly righteous.

#21. TMNT: Mutant Melee (Gamecube, PS2, Xbox, Windows)

This fighting game deserves credit for not just going through the motions and banging out yet another brawler, but that credit isn’t anything that can be applied to this list, pal. Mutant Melee brings to mind Power Stone, TMNT Tournament Fighters, hell, even that Tom & Jerry game I discovered on the N64 earlier this year, but doesn’t remind me at all of Turtles in Time. And around here, that’s a big ‘fuck you.’

#20. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutants in Manhattan (Xbox 360, Xbox One, PS3, PS4, Windows)

This is another one of those more modern ones that is kind of fine, but feels like a bunch of other games more than it does Turtles in Time. While the sense of humor and hack-and-slash gameplay harken back to classic Turtles games, the fact that there’s just way too much shit everywhere at all times will remind you that this game definitely came out in 2016. Also, despite so much going on, all the levels are kind of same-y, something you’d have to be a real shithead to say about Turtles in Time.

#19. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Arcade Attack (DS)

Most of the TMNT games that came after Ubisoft took over from Konami are lifeless, and this DS installment is no different. You DO travel through time a little bit, however, doing some fighting in the year 2110 at one point. Overall, this one reminded me of Turtles in Time, but in a “Man, I wish I was playing Turtles in Time right now,” kind of way. That’s a long way off from the game actually being Turtles in Time, I’m afraid. 

#18. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Smash-Up (Wii, PS2)

This fighting game on the Wii had you use the system’s signature motion controls to try and defeat your opponent. I’m sorry, but flailing around and pretending I’m a Ninja Turtle in the living room while my mother asks me if everything is okay down there is behavior reserved for a) before I’ve gotten to rent Turtles in Time and b) after I’ve gotten my copy of Turtles in Time confiscated and I’m all worked up about it. That stuff isn’t for when you are actually playing.

#17. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Radical Rescue (Game Boy)

This fantastic game is a little slept on, maybe because it’s largely assumed to be a generic third entry in a brawler series. It’s actually kind of a Metroidvania, though! I find it to be a really refreshing change of pace from all of the other first wave Turtles games. I also like the way there’s a story here that has you start as Michelangelo and find your brothers. It just feels more specific than the generic stories most of these games have. You know what, though? None of these things I’m talking about happen in Turtles in Time. Sorry, Radical Rescue, but that’s going to cost you.

#16.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Danger of the Ooze (Xbox 360, PS3, 3DS)

Did you know about the Danger of the Ooze? I didn’t! As a kid, I remember the second movie was called The Secret of the Ooze, but you know what? I watched that movie two dozen times, and I don’t know what secret about the ooze they supposedly figure out. What, that a company called TGRI made the ooze? I don’t know. Is that a huge deal? I figured someone made it. So, it was a company called TGRI. Ooh, call the President! Also, I thought the ooze made the turtles smart, right? Why did it make Tokka and Rahzar think Shredder was their mom? And then it makes Super Shredder so dumb he knocks a damn patio down onto himself? I think the secret of the ooze is that Shredder watered that last batch down. That’s what I think. Anyway, this one is actually another Ninja Turtles Metroidvania! It could be better, but it’s definitely a fun twist on the classic Turtles game. Not very much like Turtles in Time though, when you think about it. 

#15. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3: Mutant Nightmare (Gamecube, DS, Xbox, PS2)

The fact that this series got up to number three makes it a little bit like Turtles in Time! Other than that though, it’s another one of the newer fangled ones. The four player co-op is solid, the fighting and levels are all okay but lack variety, and the graphics remind me more of that Simpsons game from this era than the classic Turtles games. Did there need to be three games in this series? Probably not. But, I’m running through two dozen Ninja Turtles games over in a day and a half, so I don’t think I should really be listened to when it comes to the necessity or overall quality of any of these, you got it? Just how much they are or are not Turtles in Time. That’s what they pay me for.

#14. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Battle Nexus (Gamecube, Game Boy Advance, Xbox, PS2, Windows)

This particular run of games is based on a different era of TMNT and made by Ubisoft, not Konami. As such, they’re fine but all a little boring, resting on the wrong side of the line that divides brawlers between ‘fun combat’ and ‘instantly redundant button mashing.’ This one lets you unlock the original arcade game on the console versions though, so an Easter Egg that houses Turtles in Time’s prequel counts for something here. Enjoy it, Battle Nexus. 

#13.Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fall of the Foot Clan (Game Boy)

Considering it’s the fellas’ 1990 Game Boy debut, Fall of the Foot Clan is a bit of a surprise. The music and graphics are all pretty good for the system, and best of all, it’s straight forward enough that a Turtles in Time fan on a car ride could’ve had a pretty good time with this game. What’s kind of weird about it, however, is the way you stop to play a minigame every couple of minutes. I get that there’s not a ton of levels and they were padding out the length, but I don’t think stopping to play Splinter in three-card monte adds anything to this TMNT experience.

#12. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2013) (360, Wii, 3DS)

This is actually a nice step back towards Turtlesintimeness for the franchise after several years spent chasing down other inspirations. It’s all in the new-fangled Nickelodeon style, so be ready for that, but as far as straightforward beating up the Foot clan with great co-op goes, this particular version of a game called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles ain’t bad at all. No time travel, though. It’s all just sewers and subway stations and whatnot. Boo. 

#11. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Cowabunga Collection

This is a great collection, and is like 15 percent Turtles in Time. Not bad!

#10. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time Re-Shelled (Xbox 360, PS3)

This game literally is Turtles in Time on some technical level, but this remastered version came back different and wrong. Did you see that movie Annihilation? This game is Oscar Isaac, all dead-eyed and not the man Natalie Portman married. Man, they should’ve made an Annihilation brawler game. That would have been tight. Anyway, this remaster felt off and they left some of the best parts out of it.

#9. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2003)(GameCube, Game Boy Advance, PS2, Xbox, Windows)

You know, if you’re just emulating whatever old games you play, you’d think trying the PS2 or GameCube versions of this game would be the way to go, but you’d actually be wrong. There’s nothing wrong with those versions, but check out the GBA for some true classic SNES-looking turtle action. It actually does some things that I thought Shredder’s Revenge came up with, like giving each Turtle their own progression. I had no idea! There’s so many of these games, though. You can totally miss a few. There’s 25 damn Turtles games on this list and inevitably someone is going to leave a comment pointing out some that I missed, like some mobile game no one on earth gave a shit about. Come on, there’s no way you like TMNT: Portal Power. You just want to give me the business.

#8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Tournament Fighters (SNES, NES, Genesis)

This is from the same era, so the graphics certainly remind me of Turtles in Time. It’s a completely different genre, but I don’t think I’m going to dock this fighting games as much as you might think I should. It’s like Turtles in Time in a way, except of getting along everybody’s fighting. I’ll take it!

#7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Back from the Sewers (Game Boy)

A little more polished than the previous Game Boy entry, this one checks a lot more Turtles in Time boxes. The levels are much more detailed, the opening movie absolutely rips, and when a turtle goes into a sewer, they ask who has turned out the lights. There’s a lot to love in this Game Boy cart if you have an unhealthy obsession with a single entry in the franchise that came out several months before this one. I know I do!

#6. TMNT (2007) (360, Wii, PS2, PSP, DS, Gamecube, Windows)

The console versions of this game feel more like every 3D platform/action game that came out around this time than a classic Turtles game. It’s fun enough if you’re into that sort of thing. Oh, and the training level has you on some feudal Japanese style stuff. You’re a Turtle in Time for a second! It ain’t much, but it’s something. Also, ALSO, the big thing here is the GBA version was an entirely different game, an incredible classic Turtles experience, and even features some of the same programmers and artists that went on to make Shredder’s Revenge, a game that you’ll be reading about several ad impressions from now!

#5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: The Manhattan Project (NES)

Honestly kind of an overlooked Ninja Turtles game. It doesn’t look as pretty as Turtles in Time, and you stay in the present the entire time like a bunch of assholes, but this is the best Turtles game on the NES and possibly a classic-style Turtles game you haven’t checked out before. There’s no time travel, but the level variety is nice and the Technodrome stuff is really cool. Just remember that it’s an NES game though, and sometimes it’s gonna chug and slow down like a lawn mower going over a patch of high grass.

#4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Shredder’s Revenge

Much like Sonic Mania and Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1+2, Shredder’s Revenge takes a classic style of game everyone loved and made it play like you remembered it playing. Shredder’s Revenge gives nods to many other Turtles games of the past, but has Turtles in Time in its mutated DNA. I personally love the depth added here, but if you really want the tried and true Turtles in Time style, you could argue that the added combos, secrets, DLC, and so forth add a layer of bloat to a perfectly simple formula. I’d get what you meant, but man, at the end of the day this game is Turtles in Time and then some. To me, it’s the best Turtles game ever made. Although to be fair, it isn’t at the top of the list, because it isn’t Turtles in Time. That’s what we’re doing here. 

#3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1989) (Arcade) 

This arcade classic (also ported to the NES as TMNT II) is the predecessor to Turtles in Time, and therefore a monumental addition to this list. If Turtles in Time never happened, it’s likely I’d be spending my afternoon comparing the subsequent Turtles games to this stone cold classic, but as it stands, they perfected this near-perfect game a few years later, by adding dinosaurs and lasers and shit. Still though, one of the all-time greats right here. Just maybe not enough lasers and dinosaurs. 

#2. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Hyperstone Heist (Genesis)

This game is SO MUCH like Turtles in Time! For years I thought this was some full blown other Turtles game I’d missed out on. Then years later I discovered it’s cobbled together from about 75% Turtles in Time parts. Whole levels and shit! If it wasn’t for Turtles in Time, this would be the Turtles game most like Turtles in Time. Whoa. Shellshocked! 

#1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time (Arcade) (TMNT IV on SNES)

Well, here it is. The whole deal. I don’t really know what to say here. Hey, did you scroll all the way to the bottom to see if this was number one? That’s sort of strange. I don’t know what you expected. Anyways, this game is pretty good! 

 

Mokujin Skipping ‘Tekken 8’ To Prepare For Fight With Jake Paul

Posted on by Brad Waters

LAS VEGAS — Fan-favorite training dummy Mokujin won’t be appearing in the upcoming Tekken 8, because he’s busy getting primed for a different kind of fight, sources have confirmed. 

“We’ve been training hard and studying harder”, said Biff Gunnar, who will be coaching Mokujin’s opponent, Jake Paul. “We’ve seen all the moveset stealing and techniques, Jake’s even been learning how to do the Korean back wash or whatever the fuck it’s called. And trust me, this clown ain’t ready for Jake’s rage art. I’ll give you a hint; I hope homeboy likes slurs and freestyle rap at 110 decibels.”

The young social media star was spotted practicing against Mokujin in Tekken 7’s training mode, playing as Steve Fox.

“Yeah I ain’t scared, bro. Look at this guy, he’s just a plant. I’ve beat up vegans before,” he told us. When Mokujin began emulating Bryan Fury’s moveset however, he became visibly irritated. “Whatever,” he continued “I don’t care if he starts fighting like a — like a, uh, fuck. I don’t care if he fights like those bitch-ass cops in Arizona, I’m gonna leave his ass crying like he’s one of the many ex-girlfriends who I emotionally abused.”

Wizened Chinese kung-fu master Wang Jinrei seemed less convinced. 

“It is said that when the world teeters on the brink of chaos,” he said, whilst watering an idle Mokujin in a dusty old museum. “Mokujin shall appear. These young Paul brothers are that chaos, and they are not ready for Mokujin. He will simply copy Akuma’s broken-ass moveset and body his pasty ass. White boy going to get folded.”

The fight is scheduled to take place in late 2023, subject to change pending the date of Paul’s fight with Roger Jr. — or the arrival of an even more malevolent, nefarious YouTuber whom Mokujin must deal with.

Screaming White Women Swarm Pokémon Stadium to See Performance of Swift

Posted on by Matt Shore

ASHVILLE, Tenn. ー Over 100,000 screaming white women crowded Nidorina Stadium to see a performance of super star move Swift by Melody Pokémon Meloetta.

Though Nidorina Stadium is typically a competitive battling venue, Meloetta’s massive popularity meant that this was the only Ashville venue capable of containing the frenzied masses of white women, many of whom were “screaming, crying, spitting up” by their own admission.

One of the diehard Meloetta fans (or “Misties” as they call themselves) ditched out on work and wore a creepy homemade Pikachu disguise to conceal her identity. She asked to be referred to as “Mimi Cue” rather than her real name so as to avoid being fired.

“It’s like Meloetta sings in her song ‘Pichu,’” explained Mimi Cue, “‘They say Luvdiscs are for show, but I would die for you in secret.’ I don’t know if I would die for Meloetta, but I would definitely faint and be taken to a Pokémon Center before missing this show.”

Renowned Pokemon Professor Samuel Oak suggests that the key to Meloetta’s success as a performer is her ability to manipulate the emotions of her listeners.

“According to the Pokedex entries I had a 10-year-old fill out for me when I was on vacation, Meloetta’s songs are ‘sung with a special vocalization method that can control the feelings of those who hear it,” said Prof. Oak. “So when Meloetta describes everyone as a ‘sexy Bayleef,’ while she is just a ‘Pocket Monster on a hill,’ that resonates with white women everywhere. I don’t know much beyond that though, as I primarily listen to ska.”

Misties’ love for Meloetta only deepened after Team Rocket stole the master balls containing the Chatots she used to record her music. Keldeo Clarkson, another popular Pokemon celebrity known for her ability to talk seemingly endlessly, suggested that Meloetta re-record her songs and release them on new albums, each containing a Mystery Gift code for a shiny Squirtle, thereby undercutting Team Rocket at their own game. Though fans swarmed the album rereleases like a colony of Heracross in heat, nothing could compare to the sheer fanaticism of their excitement for Meloetta’s performance of Swift.

Whitney, the normal-type leader of Goldenrod Gym in Johto and spirited Ashville concert attendee, screeched every time Swift was mentioned, inadvertently lowering the defense of those around her by two levels.

“When Meloetta uses Swift and the stars shoot all over the audience, it’s like we’re all a part of her Pokémon journey,” Whitney exclaimed before singing, “‘Don’t you see the Starlys, the Starlys!’ ‘You drew Staryu around my Skarmory!’”

Residents in the area around Nidorina Stadium say the noise from the screaming white women became so loud during the Swift performance that even the Snorlax blocking the John Stonjourner Pedestrian Bridge woke up and wandered off to the hills somewhere.

George R. R. Martin Panics as ChatGPT Releases Special AI Just for Describing Deformed Genitalia

Posted on by Camden Brazile

SANTA FE, New Mexico — Beloved fantasy writer George R. R. Martin was reportedly seen in a fervor today after AI service ChatGPT released a new writing AI specifically for describing deformed genitalia.

“Oh God, oh fuck it’s all over!” Martin said, frantically rushing around his home and packing an emergency suitcase. “My empire is going to crumble! If they’ve taught robots how to describe a half-man’s withered shrunken penis, what chance do I have? Dear Lord, I knew this day would come but not so soon! I thought it would take years for programs to emulate how to describe a wench’s disgusting, heaving bosoms. I’m fucking done for! I’ve seen the AI, it can describe warts, it can do gashes, it can even put a bulbous purple head on the end of someone’s awkward, pimpled manhood! Why me? Why now? When I was so close!”

ChatGPT users have reportedly begun to use the automated service to generate similar writing.

“Before I thought that an AI could never describe a wench’s pendulous breasts like a human could,” said user Eric Faltermeyer. “Now that ChatGPT can generate an infinite number of gross, diseased cocks and vaginas, we basically have the last Game of Thrones book at the ready before it’s even published.”

At press time, beloved horror author Stephen King reportedly joined Martin’s career worries after a new AI chatbot successfully put the word ‘Boo!’ on a piece of paper.

You Cannot Pet the Dog ‘Commander’ at the White House

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

WASHINGTON — President Joe Biden and first lady Dr. Jill Biden’s two-year-old German shepherd, Commander, does not support petting as players have come to expect. This was confirmed earlier today via a series of tweets by popular Twitter/X account, @CanYouPetTheDog.

 

Tristan Cooper, the creator behind the novelty account, has been admitted to the MedStar Washington Hospital Center and is reportedly in critical condition. Hospital staff are advising the public to not engage with Commander. 

“Any players who find themselves in the White House biome may be enticed to run up and pet the dog,” stated Dr. Ruth Hensley of MedStar. “This is ill advised. While most would expect a short animation to play of petting the animal, approaching will instead give the German shepherd the temporary condition of Hostile — initiating combat. Attacks landed on anyone within range will cause massive amounts of Bleed Damage.”

Unfortunately, Commander has been involved in more biting incidents than this recent attack on Cooper. 

“The President and First Lady care deeply about the safety of those who work at or visit the White House. Commander’s outlashes are an unforeseen bug,” Elizabeth Alexander, communications director for the first lady, said in a statement. “The White house development team is working diligently to patch this behavior so frequenters may feel safe once again.”

In related news, the installation of a new waterfall on the White House garden is underway. Multiple sources have confirmed the development team has no intention of hiding anything behind it.

 

 

 

 

NHL 24 Release Time & Date: When Does NHL 24 Come Out?

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

This year’s installment of the long-running ice hockey video game franchise, NHL 24, has a release time that’s almost here! If you’re wondering exactly what time you can rock the rink, this NHL 24 guide will tell you everything you need to know and more.

When Does NHL 24 Release?

What is the NHL 24 release time?

The standard edition of NHL 24 releases on the 6th of October in a simultaneous global unlock for PlayStation 4, PlayStation 5, Xbox One, Xbox Series X and Xbox Series S. Here are some localized times for major regions:

  • Eastern Time: Oct. 6, 12 PM EDT
  • Central Time: Oct. 6, 11 AM CDT
  • Mountain Time: Oct. 6, 10 AM MDT
  • Pacific Time: Oct. 6, 9 AM PDT

NHL 24 will not be released on PC or the Nintendo Switch.

Does NHL 24 Have Early Access?

Yes, if you own the NHL 24 X-Factor Edition, which retails for $99.99, you can play the game now, ahead of the later release date & time. Subscribers to EA Play can get a 10% discount on that, bringing the price down to $89.99. Even better, as an EA Play subscriber you don’t even have to buy the game, since you have access to a 10-hour trial that also begins on October 3rd.

What Is The Pre-Order Bonus For NHL 24?

NHL 24 Standard Edition owners receive just two pre-order bonuses:

  • 5x WOC Battle Pass XP Modifier
  • HUT Power Up Icon choice pack

NHL 24 X-Factor Edition owners receive five pre-order bonuses:

  • 5x WOC Battle Pass XP Modifier
  • HUT Power Up Icon Choice Pack
  • 4600 NHL Points
  • Exclusive Player Item, Stanley Cup Champion Cale Makar, who is the cover athlete this year
  • Dual Entitlement, which lets you play the game on both the last generation and current generation of your preferred console family

That’s everything there is to know about the NHL 24 release time & date. Check out our release guide on another upcoming release: Assassin’s Creed Mirage.

“Until the Dance & Skin Sales Improve, the Firings Will Continue”: We Interviewed Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney

Posted on by Ron Portman

Epic Games, creators of smash hit Fortnite, as well as the controversial Epic Games Store, recently caused headlines by being the latest gaming giant to announce layoffs and terminations among its large staff. We spoke to Epic Games founder and CEO Tim Sweeney about the decision. 

Having laid off 20 percent of your workforce, what’s next for Epic Games?

We’re having our annual ‘CEO Winter Excursion’ where we meet up at a resort in Alaska and throw wads of cash at each other like they’re snowballs.

What were your thoughts on the recent Unity pricing changes?

Rotten timing. It was fun being the good guy while it lasted!

How can you justify getting rid of so many workers based on fiscal information you admitted you’d received just ten weeks earlier? 

Oh, that’s plenty of time. That’s like five fortnites! Not to be confused with Fortnite, our wildly popular game that grosses billions of dollars each year. 

You’ve laid off hundreds of workers responsible for your gaming success, and are now focusing on building a metaverse, despite the unwavering rejection of metaverses by the public. What inspires you to remain so true to your vision, as ill-suited for the current moment as it may be?

I pay several people very well to call me and text me throughout the day to tell me how smart I am. Honestly, those guys are right, too.

Do you have any messages for the employees that have been laid off recently?

I’m sorry that Fortnite didn’t prove popular enough to keep everybody on. Oh well. You live and learn in this business. 

What have your friends and family made of your recent decisions?

I’m sorry, my who and what? You said some really bizarre words in the middle of that question.

You own a bunch of land in North Carolina. What do you do there?

It’s ironically a bit like Fortnite when you think about it. I explore, I work on projects, and I shoot at anybody that I see.

Do you think you might be spending too much in legal fees in a case against Apple?

Of course not. I’ve started seeing that damn App Store logo in my nightmares. 

You said in your press release that you weren’t making as much money as you were spending, and that’s why 870 people lost their jobs. Did Fortnite really make six billion dollars last year?

Whoa, don’t change the subject like that!

I guess what I was getting at is shouldn’t the company behind the most popular video game of its time be able to keep a staff onboard without sudden layoffs?

Look, there’s a lot of overhead with a game and a company like this. A lot of mouths to feed. A lot more land to buy with my bonuses. It’s all very complicated.

Do you think you’ll be able to bring back any or all of the 870 employees that were just let go?

We’re hopeful that if we turn a corner and Fortnite starts making 11 figures a year, we might be able to pull it off. Otherwise, there’s just not room in the budget, I’m afraid.

So the low billions aren’t enough?

Oh, it’s good, don’t get me wrong. But hear me out, it could be more? I told everyone I wanted them to double the amount of skins we sold last year, and nobody listened! I’m afraid whatever we put out in the store this year just wasn’t enough. Until the dance and skin sales improve, the firings will continue, I’m afraid.

In your estimation, what should developers do when they can’t expect long term employment even at the most successful companies like Naughty Dog, Bioware, and Epic?

Um. I don’t know. Call Nintendo?

Do you think you and other CEO’s insistence on metaverses are hurting the lives of a lot of workers and their families?

Sure, I mean it’s possible. But if you can think of a better way to watch some shitty EDM concert on your PlayStation, I’m all ears, pal.

Hey, did you ever notice that the people who are the most insistent on us all hanging out in some new virtual reality are often the ones who are most out of touch with reality itself? Rich people that haven’t achieved happiness despite their success in the business world and whatnot. Did you ever consider that some people are having a better time in reality than you are?

No, I had not noticed that and I have not considered that. Um, I’m not sure where to go from here. You’ve got me all figured out, I’m afraid. Hey, can I fire you from this interview?

No, not really. I guess you could leave the room?

Okay. I am going to leave the room now.

Author’s note: Tim Sweeney left the room at this point.

Editor’s note: Yeah, I think they got that.

Author’s note: Okay, well excuse me.

Editor’s note: Don’t do this here, Ron. DM me or something.

Author’s note: Don’t do what?

Editor’s note: DM ME NOW!!@

Why I’m Never Buying Another Pokémon Game Ever Again Until the Next One

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

I’m a diehard Pokémon fan. Not to exaggerate, but I’m probably the biggest fan ever if I’m being honest. When a new Pokémon-anything comes out, I’m there and pre-ordered it six months ago. However, following the last Pokémon release, I don’t think I can support this company anymore until they release another game.

I haven’t played a more buggy, glitch-ridden, sad excuse for a Pokémon game since the last one came out. Frankly, the only reason I tried this one out was because it looked like they had learned the lessons of their disastrous last release. I think I can only give them one, maybe three more chances before I think about maybe possibly not buying another Pokémon game.

On top of the mess the base game was, they had the gall to release equally disappointing DLC that absolutely was not worth the rest I lost when I stayed up all night playing it. I can’t believe they’re releasing another ‘expansion’ for this. When that ‘expansion’ releases, that will probably be the last time I pull out my wallet for this game unless they announce more DLC, in which case I’ll buy that too, but I’ll do it begrudgingly. I swear to god. 

Worst of all, this new game didn’t even have my favorite Pokémon in it. I understand that not all Pokémon are included in each generation to lighten the load on developers while creating the game, and I was fine with that until they took MY favorite out. I don’t give a shit if there’s 100 new ones; frankly asking me to try anything new in a Pokémon game goes against the spirit of the franchise.

This last release was clearly a rushed, shambled together project held together with nothing but duct tape and Pikachu’s face. However, I’m sure the next game will have no problems at all and will perfectly recapture the magic of when I was 12. If it doesn’t though, I’m never buying another Pokémon game ever again until the one after that. I’m serious. 

Travis Touchdown Forced To Downgrade To Funko Pops Amid Economic Recession

Posted on by Kevin Podas

SANTA DESTROY — A particularly harsh job market has caused famous assassin and self-proclaimed otaku Travis Touchdown to sell off his collection of anime figurines in favor of the less expensive and less visually appealing Funko Pops.

“Man, I hate these fuckin’ things, but I can’t afford Figmas or even Nendoroids anymore,” said Touchdown. “It’s rough out there, man! I used to be able to make a living wage as a famous assassin, killing people for money and clout with my beam katana. Now I have to drive for Uber Eats on the side, and I have to sell my toys just to pay the rent! What’s this world coming to?!”

Touchdown’s wife, Sylvia Christel, is not too keen on his latest purchasing decisions.

“They are so creepy, I cannot stand how they just sit on the bookshelf staring at us with their big beady eyes,” explained Christel. “And they all look the same! I try to support Travis’ hobbies and interests, I really do, but I do not feel comfortable having these in the house anymore. I feel like they are going to come to life or something and just… stare at us, I guess.”

Touchdown’s friends and acquaintances noted changes in his mood and appearance.

“It’s tough to see Travis like this, it really is,” said Shinobu Jacobs, Touchdown’s swordsman apprentice. “Collecting pieces of plastic from shows and manga that he loves makes him happy. And these Funko Pops just aren’t cutting the mustard for him, I can tell. I may not fully understand it, but I try not to question his ways. He’s… kind of an odd guy, but at the end of the day, he is a master of the blade. And I guess I have to respect that.”

At press time, Touchdown was seen staring at his wall of Funko Pops completely dead-eyed, almost as if he were possessed by them.

Apple Announces Plan to Reduce Waste by Not Including iPhone in Box

Posted on by Saad Khan

CUPERTINO, Calif. — After a slate of environmental initiatives such as no longer including wall chargers with new iPhone purchases, Apple recently announced they would be taking their initiatives one step further: removing the carbon footprint of the iPhone entirely by no longer including it in the box when customers purchase one.

“We started our campaign to save the environment by removing the wall charger,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook, loading a stack of solid gold bars into a safe in his office. “That greatly reduced our cost. To the environment, that is. Now, we’re going even bigger: making an entirely carbon neutral iPhone by not including an iPhone in the box when customers purchase an iPhone.”

Struggling to close the safe door, Cook continued: “Manufacturing iPhones uses an immense amount of material. Mining these materials and transporting them is an extremely costly endeavor. To the environment, that is. That’s why we’re reducing this cost–this environmental cost–by removing the iPhone from the box completely.”

Asked about how consumers would react to the proposed move, Cook was optimistic.

“It shouldn’t be much of an adjustment for people,” Cook said, throwing his entire body weight against the safe door. “Many people already have an iPhone at home, so they won’t need us to include another one in the box. In fact, you could say it would be wasteful to do so. In the end, we have faith that consumers will understand and agree with our vision.”

Samir Alam, a long time Apple user, was initially confused by Apple’s decision to no longer include an iPhone in the box, but ultimately agreed with the move.

“I won’t lie, I was a little disappointed at first. I was looking forward to having an iPhone in the box when I bought an iPhone. But the more I think about it, the more I realize what a bold move it is. And Apple has always been about bold moves, like removing the headphone jack, removing Touch ID, removing 3D touch, and now, removing the iPhone itself. Is it a bit disappointing that I’m going to pay $1,000 for a box with a USB-C cable in it? Maybe. But that’s the price of innovation. At least that sticker’s still in there.”

At press time, leaked documents revealed further plans to reduce the iPhone’s waste by removing the USB-C cable from the box.

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