Gary Kerls, Author at Hard Drive

‘The NeverEnding Story’ Somehow Not a Manga

Posted on October 8, 2023 by Corey Arbor

DALY CITY, Calif. — Self-described otaku Frank Nelson, otherwise known as Nelson-senpai, was shocked to discover that the manga he thought he’d slavishly devote the next year of his fandom to, The NeverEnding Story, turned out to be some gaijin boomer movie from the ’80s with an actual ending.

“It’s not that I expected something as expansive as One Piece or JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, I’m not an idiot,” stated Nelson. “But when I pick up something that purports to be some manner of ‘story that will never reach a conclusion and therefore never be able to disappoint you,’ I buy it and expect to see a menagerie of needlessly sexy women of vastly different, often inappropriate ages, and males so dull that I can easily project myself onto them, to live out my ever more bizarre and unlikely fantasy life!”

Nelson, who has never ventured outside of the state he was born in, continued pontificating on the virtues of a bottomless well with no resolution.

“I mean seriously, it was going so well!” said Nelson. “I didn’t realize how influential isekais were on America in the ‘80s, but this had it all: a boring nothing character for me to inhabit, a child who’s actually an ageless empress so it’s not weird, lasers, a furry moon dragon, and random character deaths. It had everything I loved and then… it just stopped?! And I’m supposed to move on to something else?! I think not, my friends, and I’m in the know on this. I get the Japanese mentality!”

Nelson’s friend, Yuki Saito, clarified her friend’s arrested approach towards media.

“‘Friend’ is a strong word,” Saito emphasized before continuing. “I just think that when his father left, Nelson became obsessed with things never ending and started to see all endings as inherently poisonous and toxic. I dunno, we went on one date and he wouldn’t shut up about ‘my people’s heritage,’ but like… dude, I’m from Bakersfield. My people’s heritage isn’t cartoons that serve to fulfill your weird power fantasies, it’s meth and staph-infected rest stops off the 5.”

At press time, Nelson-senpai was eagerly eyeing the direct-to-video sequels to The NeverEnding Story and wondering if they kept it pure.

Scientists Confirm There is No Way To Prevent Ragdoll Physics After Death

Posted on October 8, 2023 by Andrew Muller

ATLANTA — A new study from the CDC confirms that collapsing into a pile of physics objects and loose limbs is unavoidable after death, sources have confirmed.

“We started our studies by looking at the corpses of rats, and when they’re dead we’re able to just throw them around wherever, we even managed to push one into a trash can,” recalled lead researcher Stephanie Colifare. “We tried everything to prevent this, but even after pacifist takedowns people and rats are still ragdolling. There’s just no way around it.”

In the wake of the news, some people have been coming to their local religious centers for a sense of comfort.

“It doesn’t matter if your soul is in the afterlife or not, that body of yours is going to flop around for eternity” Said Reverend Michaels of Elevate Bridgeport Church in Atlanta. “I heard that in the Vatican they have all the old popes in a basement because they don’t despawn.”

Scientists have been approved to start research trials into prevention of ragdoll corpses collapsing into funny poses.

“I was holding my grandmother’s hand when she passed away and when she finally crossed over that bridge she fully clipped through her death bed,” said a grieving man wiping away tears. “I just hope she’s at peace now.”

As of press time, an addendum to the report added that yes, the ragdoll corpses always keep their eyes open like that.

Fucking Weirdo Starts With Final Fantasy 1

Posted on October 8, 2023 by Gabe Porter

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local freak Ted Neal has confirmed he will start playing the popular JRPG series Final Fantasy with, surprisingly, the first entry, sources have confirmed.

“It just seemed like the logical thing to do,” said the obviously maladapted Neal. ‘When you want to start something, you gotta start at the beginning. Sure, I could have picked a more modern or fun entry, but then I wouldn’t be able to lord the fact I played every single one over people’s heads. I’ve also heard these games are complex and convoluted. So I’ll make the slog through game after game just to make sure I understand all the lore about crystals and cute boys. Sure, the lore gets reset every game, but at least I’ll catch the small Easter eggs you didn’t! It’ll be a long journey, by my calculations I should be at Final Fantasy X by 2030, but I know at the end I’ll be rewarded for my hard work in ensuring I’m tired of this series by the fourth one.”

Those familiar with the series are questioning Neal’s choices

“This is absolutely insane,” Final Fantasy fanatic Terry Howard said in response. “Who picks the first Final Fantasy to play first? It’s like playing Donkey Kong to get ready for Super Mario Wonder. This guy should have definitely picked VII, which I know to be the objective correct choice since it’s the one I played first. Anyway, why would he even want to play the absolute worst entry? Well besides III. And XIII sucks too. XI and XIV are MMOs so it doesn’t really count. X is cringy. XVI is barely even Final Fantasy. Honestly, he should just play VII, and not the remake either!”

Series creator Hironobu Sakaguchi was shocked someone planned on playing his original game.

“Wait, really? He’s gonna choose that one to start?” questioned the game development icon, barely looking up from his game of Final Fantasy XIV. “Like, he does realize you can play almost any entry on basically whatever console you want? I know that’s the one that’s started it and I should probably be happy people still care about it. But seriously, you could’ve just played Final Fantasy XIV. We all know it’s better and it even has an expanded free trial which lets you play through the entirety of A Realm Reborn and the award-winning Heavensward expansion up to level 60 for free with no restrictions on playtime!”

At press time, Neal has dropped Final Fantasy I after finding it too boring, and has decided to start Dragon Quest I instead.

Top 10 Gamers in the World Right Now – October 2023

Posted on October 7, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

Welcome to Hard Drive’s monthly power rankings of the top American gamers in the world right now. As always, a reminder that these are not an objective ranking and just Hard Drive’s cumulative opinion of who’s absolutely killing the game(s) right now!

Colby Chase

This little prodigy somehow got to all 1,000 Starfield planets on the second day of playing it. He said it wasn’t even that hard, either.

Maddie Harrington

Maddie continues her run atop the Call of Duty leaderboards with her absolutely devastating combination of patience and accuracy. “I like to play video games,” she said of her expert strategy. “I have fun on there.”

Hank’s Buddy, Bill

Astute readers of this column will recognize the absolute fervor Bill’s exclusion caused last time we ranked the top gamers in the world. While many will take Bill’s making the list this time around as a spineless nomination meant to appease the readers of this website, the truth is we’ve been playing Fortnite with Bill and he’s actually pretty good! Nice guy, too. Sorry again about that, Hank.

Mysterious Neighbor Kid

Still haven’t caught this kid’s name, but he lives next door to me and I keep waking up to find him on my PS5 getting every trophy he can. There’s a lot wrong here, but I’ve decided to just let it happen. Rock and roll, little dude.

George R. R. Martin

He hasn’t started that fuckin’ book, you guys. He’s just playing Rocket League. For what it’s worth though, he’s amazing at it.

Chelsea Snow

While not necessarily a gamer, this kid hid her dad’s Xbox controller until he stopped trying to look for it and he’s been spending more time with her lately. Diabolical. It’s kind of fucked up, and certainly an anti-gamer action, but we just really admire the chaos on display here. This kid has big things in her future.

Edgar Keller

In addition to being one of the early players to watch in the burgeoning Mortal Kombat 1 scene, Keller has actually successfully done two of the game’s fatalities during recess since school started. While he awaits trial, his streams have become a must watch.

Jaydon Haines

This seven year Apex Legends prodigy has been playing the game every day since it came out, which both impressive and concerning, as the game released four years ago.

Vinnie Hebert

Vinnie has an over 80% percent winning percentage on Dead By Daylight, which doesn’t seem that impressive until you consider that the whole game scares him too much to look at the screen while he plays. Very impressive, Vinny!

Your Aunt

While she would never admit it, because she doesn’t realize it, your Aunt’s completion percentage and time spent on Candy Crush put her amongst some of the most accomplished gamers in the world. Her racist posts further cement her gamer status, even if she prefers to use Facebook over Discord.

Dr. Demento Somberly Informs Patient That Their Pac-Man Fever Has Progressed To Stage IV

Posted on October 7, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

LOS ANGELES — Legendary novelty music enthusiast and chief attending physician Dr. Demento sat down a tearful patient yesterday to inform them of their rapidly advancing Pac-Man fever, sources at Cedars-Sinai report.

“This is the hardest part of the job. Oh, the medical job, that is. Not the wacky music job, that’s easy. This patient could tell something was up when I dourly removed my top hat in reverence of the situation,” said Demento, with a sorrowful honk of a giant old-timey car horn. “In most cases, Pac-Man fever can be treated with a steady regimen of prescription power pellets, and physical therapy…but in this instance, it had progressed to Stage IV, which can be as terminal as, say, getting run over by a reindeer, or eaten by a purple people eater.”

The patient in question, Leigh Barriston, was rightfully rattled by the diagnosis, but had no complaints over Demento’s methods.

“The news he was breaking to me was some of the worst I’ve ever been told, but I must say, his bedside manner was hilarious. He’d be running intense diagnostics, but at the same time, be adding in kooky sound effects that put me at ease,” he said, while filling out a last will and testament with Demento’s rubber chicken shaped pen. “The man’s a genius, just look at that diploma on the wall, next to the gold record of Disco Duck.”

Sources near Barriston encouraged him to get a second medical opinion.

“I’ve never trusted that Demento quack. I told Leigh to go with my primary care physician: Dr. Teeth of the Electric Mayhem,” said friend of the infirmed, Harland Hiller. “Sure, the nurses who sign you in at his office look like little rats in wigs and scrubs, but damn it, Teeth gets the results you want, and leaves you with a better song stuck in your head than ‘They’re Coming To Take Me Away, Ha Ha.’”

At press time, Demento highly encouraged Barriston to inform his parents of the news by telling them “goodbye muddah, goodbye faddah.”

36-Year-Old Breaks Both Thumbs Playing Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater

Posted on October 7, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

STOCKTON, Calif. — A local man shattered all of the bones in both of his thumbs while attempting a complicated series of moves in the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater video game, sources familiar with the accident confirm.

“I have to admit, it was hubris,” said Jared Curtis, who agreed to give an interview from his hospital bed. “I saw my nephew and his buddies playing the Tony Hawk remake while I was visiting my sister. I used to mess around on the old sticks back in the PS2 era, so I thought I could jump right back in. I used to be able to string together huge combos like it was nothing. This time, I started button mashing on my first ollie and totally wiped out.”

Curtis’s nephew, Keith Webster, provided context regarding the lead up to the incident.

“He saw me and my friends playing Tony Hawk and was clearly trying to big-time us,” said Webster, 17. “He kept talking about how he grew up with the games and could get the Sick Score on School II in his sleep. We offered him a controller a few times, but he said no. I guess what happened is kind of our fault, because eventually my friend Brian was like, ‘It makes sense that you don’t want to try it. I bet they didn’t have reverts in your day.’ That sent Jared right over the edge.”

Ben Slater, a semi-professional pro skater player who won several regional tournaments when he was younger, said that people of all ages can enjoy the game by taking the right precautions.

“I’m in my 30s as well, and I still play every day without worrying about injuries,” said Slater, who had Goldfinger’s Superman playing on a loop in the background. “You might need to stretch a little longer before you start, or take a bit longer to fill up the old special meter, but you can still hit combos. As long as you accept the fact that you’re not going to be able to keep up with the kids in a game of H-O-R-S-E, then you should be able to play the game well into your fifties — maybe even older.”

At press time, a video of Curtis’s accident had been posted to TikTok and has received over 5 million views.

Spider-Man 2 PS5 Trophies: Complete Trophy List

Posted on October 7, 2023 by Parker Johnson

Want to get the lowdown on the Marvel’s Spider-Man 2 PS5 trophies? We’ve got you covered with all you need to know about the trophy list for the hotly anticipated game.

After waiting for years, we finally have one of the first true PS5 exclusives. Featuring classic villain Venom and an antagonist that is perhaps lesser-known outside of comics, Kraven the Hunter, the game seems poised to really push the limits of the PlayStation 5. Here are all of the trophies you’ll want to earn if you want to do everything you can for New York City

All Trophies in Spider-Man 2 PS5

Here is the complete trophy list for the new Spider-Man game. Keep in mind that this list contains quest names, which don’t spoil anything without context, but those wanting to go in completely blind might be better off waiting to read.

Dedicated: Collect all Trophies (Platinum)
Superior: 100% complete all districts (Gold)
Heal the World: Finish the main story (Gold)

Upgrade-based Trophies

To the Max: Purchase all Gadget upgrades (Silver)
Kitted Out: Purchase all available Suits (Silver)
Amazing: Reach max level (Silver)
Fully Loaded: Purchase all of Spider-Man’s Suit Tech upgrades (Bronze)
Stylish: Equip a suit style (Bronze)

Story-based Spider-Man 2 Trophies

Behind the Masks: Complete “Grand Finale” (Silver)
Data Collector: Complete “Target Identified” (Silver)
Crimson Hour: Complete “It Was Meant for Me” (Silver)
Leave Us Alone: Complete “Don’t Be Scared” (Silver)
The Great Hunt: Complete “Anything Can Be Broken” (Silver)
Medicine: Complete “It Chose You” (Silver)
Another Way: Complete “No Escape” (Bronze)
Brooklyn Pride: Complete “A Gift” (Bronze)
My Community: Complete “Hard Bop” (Bronze)
I Quit: Complete “This Isn’t You” (Bronze)
You’re Gonna Need Help: Complete “Surface Tension” (Bronze)
A New Suit: Acquire the Black Suit (Bronze)
Funky Wireless Protocols: Solve the mystery of the Spider-Bots’ origin (Bronze)
A New Adventure: Help Howard (Bronze)

Open World Trophies

Exterminator: Complete all Symbiote Nests (Silver)
Grains of Sand: Piece together broken memories (Silver)
Seek and Destroy: Complete all Hunter Bases (Silver)
Friendly Neighborhood Spider-Man: Complete all FNSM requests (Silver)
Foundational: Complete all EMF Experiments (Silver)
Hang Ten: Perform 30 Air Tricks in a row without touching the ground (Bronze)
Home Run!: Round the bases at the Big Apple Ballers Stadium (Bronze)
Just Let Go: As Miles, find the science trophy Miles and Phin won together (Bronze)
You Know What to Do: As Peter, visit Aunt May’s grave (Bronze)
Soar: Using only your Web Wings, glide from the Financial District to Astoria (Wind Tunnels are okay!)
Splat: Attempt and fail a trick before “landing” on the ground (Bronze)
Resourceful: Collect a total of 10,000 tech parts (Bronze)
Co-Signing: Complete all Tech Stashes (Bronze)
New York, New York: Complete all Photo Ops (Bronze)

Spider-Man 2 PS5 Combat Trophies

Surge: Use Symbiote Abilities 25 times during Symbiote Surge (Silver)
Evolved: Defeat 100 enemies with Evolved Venom abilities (Silver)
Armed and Dangerous: Defeat 100 enemies with Spider Arm abilities (Silver)
Slack Line: Stealth takedown 25 enemies in stealth from the Web Line (Bronze)
Overdrive: As Miles, use Reverse Flux to pull 6 or more enemies together simultaneously (Bronze)
Antidote: Defeat a Symbiote that is under the effect of Anti-Venom status (Bronze)

That’s the complete trophy list for Spider-Man 2! Be sure to keep an eye on our game guides section when the game releases to get all of the info you’ll need to know when swinging around NYC.

“Everything Tastes Like Felt And Fur,” Our Interview With Arlo

Posted on October 6, 2023 by Kevin Podas

We spoke with YouTuber, tastemaker, and blue hand puppet Arlo to talk about making videos, playing video games, and the undeniable power of complaining.

Did it hurt when your soul got bonded to this puppet body?

“The pain was honestly indescribable, but I have to say that honestly? This just feels right. Yeah, this is how it should have been all along. And the ladies? Ohh, they love the delicate touch of my blue fur.”

Your channel has single-handedly proven that complaining works. New Pikmin, new Metroid, new Paper Mario– think you could get the government to give us free healthcare?

“Hey, I only talk about video games for a living, I’m not a miracle worker.”

I know every Nintendo YouTuber is talking about this already, but will the next Switch be released soon?

“Yes, it’s coming. Or maybe it’s not coming. On one hand I can see why someone would say it is coming, but then also I can totally see why it wouldn’t be. I could talk about this back and forth for 45 minutes. Matter of fact, I should be recording this.”

Who are some YouTubers that you look up to?

“Let’s see, probably the Angry Video Game Nerd, Nostalgia Critic, and Cookie Monster. Oh wait.”

What made you want to start your YouTube channel?

“Spite, mostly. And hatred. And vitriol. For Paper Mario: Color Splash.”

What’s your favorite ice cream flavor?

“Everything tastes like felt and fur to me these days, honestly.”

Has your channel endured any major controversies?

“I mean, I think I said I didn’t like one of the new Pokémon games once. After that, someone in the comments said they were going to hunt me for sport. Hopefully that’s over now.”

What do you think of the fan lore that has sprouted up around your channel?

“People are creating these fan characters and fan theories surrounding me, like I have an evil twin or something– but what they don’t realize is that I’ve been the evil one this whole time. The good Arlo is an Xbox-loving jock who never complains about anything!”

How do you feel looking back on the many prediction videos on your channel?

“Honestly, I’ve given up trying to understand the ‘how’ or ‘why’ or ‘whatever’ surrounding Nintendo. I think I’m not going to put up any prediction videos anymore, because they must watch those and then do the opposite for some reason. Yep, just complaining instead from here on out.”

Speaking of, how do you think this interview is going so far?

“Horrible! Terrible! Not enough questions about Muppets!”

Okay, fine. Is it true that you were rejected from the Muppets for being a gamer?

“More or less, yeah. Really though I just think Kermit’s more of a Sony fanboy at the end of the day.”

If Pikmin were real, would you order them around like slaves?

“Yes, absolutely. I’d lie back on my couch and have them fetch me berries and grapes and do my evil bidding.”

Do you consider Masahiro Sakurai’s YouTube channel a threat to your career?

“Nah, not at all. He may have the experience and know-how, but he’s got none of that trademark Arlo rizz. Also he doesn’t complain enough.”

Is it true that you didn’t like the new Sonic movie because you are a Nintendo fanboy?

“What? No! I play other games besides Nintendo. Elden Ring was my game of the year last year. I just thought it was an awful movie that wasn’t as good as the Mario movie because Mario rules, Sonic drools!!”

Sometimes I still call Tears of the Kingdom ‘Breath of the Wild 2’ because of you.

“You’re welcome!”

How do you feel about video essays becoming the dominant type of content on YouTube?

“I think it’s great! Many more people are able to earn a living wage complaining about video games on the internet. It really helps boost the economy, actually.”

What are your hopes and dreams for the next Nintendo console?

“Buttons, the controller’s definitely gotta have buttons. And a control stick. Ya gotta have that. Also, they absolutely need to revive every dead IP that’s been left sitting dormant for ages. Come on guys, if we complain enough, I know we can get a new open-world Ice Climbers game!”

If you could talk about anything on your channel besides video games, what would it be?

“I would probably be a YouTube drama bro and hate my life for it.”

What is the hardest part about being a YouTuber?

“Definitely the editing. Thankfully I’ve been able to delegate that responsibility to other members of the team recently. My Tears of the Kingdom review is looking pretty long but we’re working on shortening it down to a tight five and a half hours.”

Any big plans coming up?

“What, you mean like, later today? Yeah, I was thinking of eating a big sandwich. Yep, a big, flavorless sandwich that I can’t taste anymore since I’m a puppet boy. Maybe that’s why I feel the need to complain so much. But hey, if we all benefit from it then who can can really complain? It’s kinda beautiful when you think about it.”

Spider-Man Announces It Would Be Nice To Have Gun

Posted on October 6, 2023 by Doug Kolic

NEW YORK CITY — Beloved crime fighter Spider-Man took people by surprise recently by announcing it would be kind of nice to pack heat and blow criminals away, according to sources who quickly ushered their children out of the room.

“Just once I’d like to feel the sensation of cold steel on my hands as I pull the trigger and watch the bullets penetrate my enemies’ vital organs,” stated Spider-Man unprompted at a fundraiser for underprivileged youth. “I know I’ve always been known for non-lethal violence, but ridding the streets of dangerous thugs would be much easier with a Gat. I think I’m the last person in this country without a firearm, and if anyone needs one, it’s me. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe that with great power comes great responsibility, but that power would be so much cooler if I had a motherfuckin’ Uzi.”

Elizabeth Henry, in attendance with her children, described mixed emotions about the Web-Slinger’s revelation.

“I used to think that Spidey was the perfect role model for my kids because of his pacifist attitude towards killing, but now hearing that he wants to arm himself like The Punisher has me thinking twice,” she said. “I always thought it was kind of sweet the way he just trapped all the baddies up in his cute little webs instead of going for headshots and turning the streets into rivers of blood. But like he said, this is America where you either kill or be killed. Hell, even my grandmother sleeps with a rifle.”

NRA representatives were overjoyed to hear of the Webslinger’s desire to legally purchase and carry a firearm.

“It’s about damn time!,” stated NRA President Charles L. Cotton. “Maybe now I’ll allow my grandkids to be exposed to Spider-Man, since he’s not a total beta cuck anymore. What kind of person goes around trying to fight crime unarmed when we literally have at our disposal the best killing tools on the planet? An absolute psycho, that’s who! Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy my five-year-old grandson his first bazooka. We’re taking some nice family pictures tomorrow.”

At press time, Spider-Man was seen exiting a pawn shop with a bunch of new guns, only for them to be instantly snatched out of his hands by Doctor Octopus and fired back at him all at once.

Gen Z Dungeon Master Makes Players Roll for Rizz

Posted on October 6, 2023 by Garry Kerls

MORGANTOWN, W.Va — Tensions flared at the O’Mallaman’s monthly game night yesterday after Kyler O’Mallaman, 14, tried his hand at Dungeon Master. What was supposed to be another lovely evening with the family quickly turned hostile after the teenager made his 73-year-old grandfather roll for rizz.

Up until then, Kyler’s campaign had successfully led the party through the Forest of Bad Vibes and toward the Sus Tavern. Here, Arthur O’Mallaman, the rogue patriarch of both the family and the D&D group, attempted to charm his way past the Goblin Bouncer. What happened next sent a rift through the entire family.

“What the hell does his cap have to do with anything!” bellowed Arthur across the dining room table, after being told he’d need to roll ‘to check rizz.’ “I knew I should’ve DMed tonight, the boy can’t even talk right!”

After an abrupt end to the night’s campaign, lines were drawn, and sides were taken.

“I knew dad wouldn’t side with me” claims Kyler, “He always simps when Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop come to visit.”

Emma O’Mallaman, 22, watched the whole scene unfold. “Pop-Pop went woke on D&D saying kids these days would rather roll for pronouns and cancel a wizard for his resurfaced scrolls. I don’t even know why they keep trying to make this game night work.”

At press time, Bob and Lydia O’Mallaman have decided to sleep in separate bedrooms for a little while, and next month’s game night has reportedly been canceled.