Child Sneaking Downstairs to Catch Santa on Christmas Eve Finds Living Room Entrance Replaced with Fog Gate

PHILADELPHIA — In an attempt to catch Santa Claus in the act, a local child tiptoed down the stairs on Christmas Eve only to find the entrance to the living room replaced with an ominous fog gate, sources report.

“My first thought was, oh man, oh man, this is it,” said Hunter Sylas, a 12 year-old boy who claims he simply couldn’t resist waking up to see Santa. “But what’s with the fog? I hear chuckling and the jingling of bells on the other side, but I can’t really see Santa. The fog was a little scary, but mom always said to be brave and git gud, so I took a deep breath and traversed the white light!

“Santa looked a little different than I expected, if I’m being honest,” continued Sylas, who reportedly entered the fight wearing three year-old pajamas despite the Christmas sweater armor set his grandmother gave him boasting superior stats, without compromising his fast roll.

“For one thing, he didn’t wear any glasses, and his gloves were black instead of white. For another, he was clinging to the top of our Christmas tree with his limbs bent backward, sucking our rainbow-colored bulbs into his mouth like sausage links. He was seven feet tall and when he noticed me, he slithered down to the floor on all fours, swinging his wriggling present sack above his head like a flail and roaring so loud you could see coal burn in his dead eyes.

“That’s when his health bar appeared.”

Hunter’s 26 year-old brother, Noah Sylas, was reportedly also witness to the unprecedented scene.

“I knew something was wrong the second I heard the melancholic choir chanting coming from the living room,” said Noah, referring to Santa’s oppressive yet tragic boss theme “Carol of the Hells.”

“I run down the stairs and when I see that fog gate, my heart drops. Like, that’s my little brother in there. He’s growing up too fast. He’s going up against Nicholas, Saint of Cinder, totally under-leveled.

“It’s not right. The entire living room was blocked off, so Hunter couldn’t even rest at a Fireplace before going in. I just wish I could help, you know? Teach him when’s the best time to heal or how to strafe right to avoid Santa’s grab attack, like mom used to teach me… but I can only watch as Hunter whiffs a parry and gets thrown into the sack for a crazy amount of Jolly buildup.”

“I move to the top of the stairs so I can see better into the arena, and that’s when I spot it: mom’s summon sign by her stocking. Hunter and I lock eyes in that moment, and I give him a nod: It’s okay. Do it. He touches the sign, and suddenly mom’s phantom appears out of nowhere in full knitted armor sporting the tankiest bleed build I’ve ever seen, and the fight is on!”

The mother and son pair reportedly managed to whittle Santa’s health down to zero, at which point the mad old man collapsed before a strange red glow seemed to momentarily restore the Christmas legend to his senses— a flash of lucidity in the darkness.

Aah, he says. You were at my side, all along. My guiding sleigh light. That’s when Rudolph bursts through the living room window and it becomes this tedious gank fight, you know: dodge the new sleigh attacks, avoid Rudolph’s AoE slams, and pick off any elves that spawn from the dropped sack,” said Hunter.

“With mom and me, that second phase was easy. Noah joined us as soon as the fog gate went away, and we all hugged and stomped on Santa’s glitchy ragdoll like we used to. It was a Christmas miracle. Praise the mum!”

At press time, the Sylas siblings were reportedly collaborating on a good ranged build which Hunter plans to use in future invasions by the Tooth Shade, Mistress of Mouths.

World of Warcraft Classic Hardcore Adds Dad Who Turns off the Internet When You Play Past Your Bedtime

IRVINE, Calif. — Blizzard executives announced a new feature for World of Warcraft: Classic Hardcore that adds a father figure who comes to your house and disconnects your internet when you’ve stayed up too late.

“We are so excited to introduce a new difficulty option that lets players experience ‘World of Warcraft’ as they remember it, with the permadeath mechanic attached,” said Executive Producer of World of Warcraft Holly Longdale. “This new father feature is guaranteed to take you back to late-night gaming at your parents’ house, creating a tension unlike anything you’ve ever felt in ‘Warcraft.’ We expect to see posts about your level 60 Hunter dying to some random mobs in Dustwallow Marsh, ruining a whole night of progress. Out of bed? Now you’re dead!”

“In addition to the standard version of the feature, we’ll be adding some DLC dads further down the road, really forcing gamers to stay on their toes. My personal favorite is the disappointed father who yanks the WiFi router out of the wall while loudly grumbling to himself in your living room. One of them will even make a TV dinner in your kitchen after cutting the ethernet line with a hedge trimmer.”

Excitement about the new feature has swelled, with many passionate gamers offering their thoughts.

“It’s something I never knew I wanted, but now I can’t stop thinking about the possibilities. Ever since I was kicked out of the house, playing ‘WoW’ hasn’t really felt the same,” said Blizzard fan Remy Robertson. “Now It’ll be like how I used to play: staying extremely quiet, turning the lights off, and lightly pressing the keys on my keyboard so my dad doesn’t notice I’m still gaming at 11:06. I might even cover the screen and myself in a blanket, assuming this dad feature is sensitive to light. But, If a disconnect does happen, I’ll probably have to call the guy and cuss him out to really feel immersed in the game.”

Some well-known figures in the World of Warcraft community, like prominent Twitch streamer Asmongold, are skeptical.

“Listen, if you only had your internet cut out by your parents for staying up too late, you never really experienced WoW, you know?” Asmongold posted on a WoW forum. “Parents will cut that crap for any reason, like bad grades, bad mood, bad tax return. You never know. That dad feature should cut the internet at any time, randomly. THAT’S how it should be. Not a fan of this change from the original.

At press time, rumors were circulating that Blizzard might also add a mother figure who would complain about the player’s lack of time spent outside.

Jedi Council Encourages NoFap Policy For Improved Force Sensitivity

CORUSCANT – As part of an increased effort to strengthen their connection to the Force, the Jedi Council has announced their intentions to enforce a NoFap lifestyle among their ranks to improve Force sensitivity, sources within the Jedi Temple claim.

“When a Padawan masturbates, they expel nearly all the midichlorians within their body in one fell swoop. Clearly, this is not the will of the Force” said Jedi Master Ki-Adi-Mundi, who claims his own phallic visage has nothing to do with his staunch support of NoFap. “The Jedi Council will no longer sit back and allow Sith infiltration, Sith indoctrination, Sith subversion, and the Galactic Sith conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.”

The proposal, drafted by Master Mundi, will codify into Jedi law a ban on both masturbation and the procurement, distribution, and enjoyment of pornographic holocrons throughout the Order.

“Let me get this straight. We can’t have wants, we can’t have feelings, we can’t have love, and now we can’t even jerk off? I’ve never felt closer to joining the Dark Side” said disgruntled Jedi Knight Glup Shitto while eating a heaping helping of Nimodian beef shanks in the Temple’s cafeteria.

“Even the fucking clones are allowed to rub one out. I’ve seen them do it! Their impressive biceps tensing up and flexing as they do. Their perfect tanned skin glistening from the sweat they produce as they pleasure themselves…

“All I can say is that from my extensive personal experience, there’s more than one way to let the Force flow through you.”

While the Jedi Order itself seems torn by the proposal, Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine has expressed support for the endeavor. “During these trying times, whatever makes our wise protectors stronger with the Force is undoubtedly necessary,” said Palpatine during an address to the Senate.

“And it may be true that the Sith Order has no issue at all with masturbation and, in fact, even encourages it. That surely will have no effect on any uncertain Jedi fed up with their strict lifestyle. Have you ever heard the tale of Darth Stilmulus the Girthy? It’s not a story the Jedi would tell you.”

At press time, the entire Jedi Council has pledged themselves to a NoFap lifestyle in solidarity with the new policy with the notable exception of Master Kit Fisto, who has defected to the Separatist Alliance in protest.

REPORT: Disney Only Producing ‘Inside Out 2’ On Order to Retain Copyright On Emotions

EMERYVILLE, Calif. — Disney and Pixar Studios are being forced to produce a sequel to Inside Out after being notified by their lawyers that their copyright over the five emotions present in the film would soon expire, according to a press release from Disney CEO Bob Iger.

“Unfortunately Disney’s never been very good at keeping ownership over IP, so we will need to work fast,” said Iger.

“It is very important to keep the basic concept of emotions under the Disney umbrella so that we can continue to bring you Joy and Sadness like no other company is legally allowed to. Thanks to our ownership, you are able to have all the Fear and Disgust you want while at one of our parks. Get ready for our newest Disney brand emotion, Anxiety!”

Disney’s lawyers explained the ownership details.

“Disney only possesses the notion of feeling Joy, Disgust, Sadness, Fear, and Anger. Emotions such as Envy and Greed are still in the public domain. Do not attempt to create your own Sadness, as you will be swiftly faced with an infringement lawsuit,” explained one lawyer.

“The same copyright goes for other concepts-turned-Pixar-movies owned by Disney such as elements, the existence of souls, and red pandas.”

Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav was very disappointed to learn that Disney was retaining the rights.

“We here at the WB would’ve loved to have more emotions in our films. Unfortunately, we only own the rights to having Shame, Boredom, and Horniness in our movies,” Zaslav said when interviewed on the subject.

“It would have been great to have Joy appear in Space Jam 3 to play basketball with Tony Soprano and Xavier Renegade Angel, but it’s seeming like we’ll have to shelve that idea.” 

Disney is also attempting to obtain the rights to the emotion Disappointment, which will be making a cameo in the next Simpsons Disney Plus short.

How To Get Galarica Twig In Pokemon Scarlet And Violet The Indigo Disk

The Galarica Twig is an item required to evolve Galarian Slowpoke into Galarian Slowbro or Galarian Slowking. This guide will show you where to get Galarica Twigs easily.

 

Wordle Today – Answer And Hint For #937 January 12, 2024

 

Where To Find Galarica Twigs In Pokemon The Indigo Disk

Make your way to the Terarium’s Coastal Biome, by flying to the Coastal Plaza. Once at the plaza, go right through it all the way to the beach to the north-west as depicted in the image above. Pull the camera up as high as possible and start combing the beach carefully for the faintly glowy sparkling items in the sand. Most of them will be Galarica Twigs, but you may also find other items like Soft Sand and various Feathers.

Once you have picked up all the drops, simply leave the biome and then fly right back. If that does not work, wait a full in-game day to scour the beach again till you have all the Galarica Twigs you need to proceed.

Where To Use Galarica Twigs In Pokemon The Indigo Disk

Head back to Coastal Plaza. From the front desk bear left to the girl standing by the vending machines. Speak to her to swap Galarica Twigs for either Galarica Cuff or Galarica Wreath.

You will be using Galarica Twig to acquire two items:

  • Galarica Cuff for 8 Galarica Twigs
  • Galarica Wreath for 15 Galarica Twigs

This means you will need a total of 23 Galarica Twigs at least, to get one of each Galarian Slowpoke evolution.

Pokemon Scarlet & Violet: How to Get Bloodmoon Ursaluna

How To Evolve Galarian Slowpoke Into Galarian Slowbro In Pokemon The Indigo Disk

Have the Galarian Slowpoke in your party, and then open your Bag. Navigate to Other Items, and find the Galarica Cuff. Rather than giving it to your Galarian Slowpoke as it says in the item’s description, make sure you ‘Use this item’ on the Galarian Slowpoke instead.

You now have a Galarian Slowbro.

How To Evolve Galarian Slowpoke Into Galarian Slowking In Pokemon The Indigo Disk

Have the Galarian Slowpoke in your party, and then open your Bag. Navigate to Other Items, and find the Galarica Wreath. Instead of giving it to your Galarian Slowpoke as it says in the item’s description, make sure you ‘Use this item’ on the Galarian Slowpoke.

You now have a Galarian Slowking.

Doctor Ignores Patient Spamming “I Need Healing”

Irvine, Calif. — Medical staff at Mercy-Baptiste Hospital have decided to ultimately just ignore a patient who won’t stop spamming the call button, exhausted sources report.

“Look, I believe everyone deserves to be healed. I took the hippocratic oath. I went half a million dollars into debt to become a doctor. I’ve dedicated my life to this profession! But this character is beyond ridiculous,” said a frustrated physician who asked to remain anonymous for job security, instead giving the pseudonym “Swiss Medic.”

“I swear this person has hit that button requesting our support at least 23 times already, and my shift started less than an hour ago. He is crushing my team’s morale and distracting us from our objectives.”

The charge nurse on staff, who also wished to remain anonymous but gave the nickname “Not Zen,” backed up Swiss Angel’s account of recent events on the ward.

“I am usually a benevolent, peaceful person. But this guy has pushed me to the edge of anger with his constant calls for help, even while actively being medicated, supported, and cared for,” said Not Zen. “It’s almost as if he’s just doing it for attention or to show off his outfits. Did I mention this fool is in the hospital for a broken ankle after attempting to climb up and over a wall? He is in stable condition and should be our lowest priority. That’s why our floor staff are no longer responding to his button mashing.”

The patient in question – who reached out to us directly and said we should print his real name, Genisson Jim, or Genji for short – threatened to report his entire care team for not doing their assigned duties.

“I am in need of healing. Therefore, they must heal me. That is their role and I will continue to make them aware of my status until I am no longer in need of healing,” said Genji. “If they didn’t want to heal, they should have elected to do something else.”

At press time, Swiss Medic and Not Zen were seen begrudgingly spoonfeeding Genji pudding as two other patients on the floor were coding nearby.

Hard Drive’s Tips For Ensuring Your Twitch Nudity Qualifies As Artistic

Twitch has made a controversial change to its terms of service, allowing for nudity on the platform. However, this nudity is limited to “artistic nudity” which has raised the question, of what separates art from smut. Hard Drive is here to help with some tips and tricks to help you bring some artistry to your naughty bits streams.

Prominently Display Your Fine Arts Degree

All those years of reading Proust and pretending to know the difference between cubism and futurism are finally going to pay off. Just throw your hard-earned degree in a frame next to your Funko Pop collection and your golden. How can anyone dispute what you’re doing is art if you literally have an official document saying you know about art?

Just Keep Asking “What Is Art?”

In our post-modern society art is really concerned with interrogating what art is. Good artists do this subtly. On Twitch you can probably just say “Modcheck art am I right?”

Be A Literal Piece Of Art

Sentient pieces of art have long been excluded from Twitch due to its regressive nudity rules. Michelangelo’s David has suffered in obscurity for too long. Now he can finally step out of the shadows to pursue his goal of becoming an influencer. He just wants to play Lethal Company with Pokimane.

Cut Off Your Own Ear

Vincent Van Gogh famously cut off his own ear in an argument with Paul Gauguin. Prop up your artistic street cred by chopping a body part off during a heated Fortnite lobby. No one’s going to question if you’re really an artist when you’re rocking the Van Gogh bandage look.

Use Props

Getting your dick out on camera isn’t art, but what if the dick is in a hot dog bun? Now it’s a statement on processed food. That’s art baby.

Ask Ninja For Approval

This one only applies to female streamers, but you should simply ask Tyler “Ninja” Blevins for permission to use nudity on your streams. Almost all decisions made by female streamers should be run by Ninja first. Twitch has nothing but respect for Ninja’s decisions regarding how women should behave.

Only Get Partial Erections

If you’re hanging dong on stream there’s a fine line between artistry and pornography. The standard agreement with Twitch allows for 50% of maximum hardness, though some select partners are allowed up to 70% erection based on previously negotiated contracts.

Pose Like Rose In Titanic

If you pose like you’re being painted by Jack in Titanic it becomes a film homage and is automatically artistic. This applies to other famous nude scenes as well. Some other movies with famous nude scenes you could imitate include Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Basic Instinct, and Antichrist.

Be European

Twitch is based in America and Americans think all Europeans are artsy by default. If you have a French accent you can do pretty much anything you want and dumb Americans will be amazed. Note that Americans do not consider the UK part of Europe.

Get A Bear Skin Rug

One of the easiest ways to uplift your nudity is to stream from a bear skin rug. It worked for Burt Reynolds and it’ll work for you. If you have any doubts throw a fireplace in the background for good measure.

Play Video Games With Your Junk

Twitch is fairly synonymous with gaming. Just because you’re streaming nude that doesn’t mean you’re going to give up on playing games. Incorporate your nudity into the gameplay. Click heads with your dickhead. Beat Dark Souls with your butt hole. The possibilities are endless.

Splash Some Paint On Your Body

Pay homage to a more traditional art form by slapping some paint on your naked body and calling yourself a living canvas. Artsy people eat shit like that up. If you’re talented you can draw some designs on your body, but if not just splash it on. There’s nothing in the rules that says it has to be good art.

Be Aggressively Weird

Being weird and abrasive is a great way to trick corporations into thinking you’re artistic. Even if nothing about your naked Call of Duty session speaks to the human condition, if you’re quirky enough it will still come across as performance art. Speak in Elizabethan English for no reason, do bad improvised dances, or punctuate your kills with random snaps.

Legally Change Your Name To Art

If you’re named Art, all of your nudity is Arty. Maybe you’re lucky enough to already be named Art, but most of you will have to change your name for this loophole. It’s fairly easy and cheap to change your name in most states. It’s well worth the cost to be able to show your community your taint live.

Be Hot

The difference between “naked weirdo” and “nude model” is mostly a matter of being hot. If people want to see you naked they’ll be happy to call you standing naked in front of a green screen art. Leave the clever tricks to the uggos.

Make Vaguely Liberal Political Comments

Everyone knows real art is for revolutionary leftists. Make vague references about the carbon imprint of the fashion industry and people will take your nudity as politically charged art. Own those fascist MAGATs by showing your nips.

Make Vaguely Conservative Political Comments

‘Everyone knows real art comes from salt-of-the-earth conservatives. Make vague references to freedom of speech and people will take your nudity as politically charged art. Own those commie libs by showing your nips.

Put On A Dumb Mask

From KISS to Shia LeBeouf, every hack artist knows if you want to seem like an edgy outsider you just have to cover your face. Anything from face paint to a rubber mask will do the trick and the dumbest people in the world will call you a genius. It’s also guaranteed to bring in some weirdo fetish views.

Recreate Video Game Nudity

Now that the “are games art” argument has been settled it stands to reason that recreating video games must also be art. Go wild acting out your favorite nude scenes from video games. Sorry, Twitch, but if Genital Jousting is art so is my gay orgy with the guys who used to be in Achievement Hunter.

Be A Top Twitch Streamer

Let’s be honest, if you’re making Twitch enough money they don’t care what you do.

If You Fell for the ‘Day Before’ Scam, Here Are Some Totally Legit Games We Made That You Should Check Out

If you’re one of the people that felt tricked by ‘The Day Before,’ we’re here for you. That’s why—just for folks like you—we’ve compiled a collection of games we made, and they’re all so real, you don’t even have to Google them to double check! (Seriously, don’t check.)

Baldur’s Gate 4

How did a satire site get the legal rights to do this? Don’t worry about it! Critics are saying the latest iteration of the 2023 Game of the Year is “thrilling,” “gorgeous,” and “exists.”

The Hard Drive Mystery Game

This game comes in a free .zip file you can find just about anywhere on porn sites or the dark web! What is it? Download it on an unsecured browser to find out!

The 24 Hours Previous

It’s everything you wish you got from The Day Before—in fact, it’s almost exactly the same—but, we promise, totally, 100% real and very not a scam.

Pinocch.io

We know you’re probably thinking: “Guys, isn’t that just a still from the 1940 classic Disney film Pinocchio?” And yeah, it sure looks like one! But it’s not. So shut up, okay?

Minecraft

Around this point in the list, you might feel like we’re trying too hard to convince you that these games are real. So you know what? I’ll be straight-up with you. This one isn’t real.

Fiction VR

Look, let’s not get bogged down in small details like whether or not this VR game is a genuine thing we made. Here are the more important details about what it‘s got:

  • 3D graphics
  • a voice cast including George Clooney, Matt Mercer (he really is in everything), and Beyoncé
  • comes with a free PS5
  • 24/7 customer support for when your screen goes black and you get a call from your bank

Video Game Developer Simulator

In this game, you play as a successful game developer in the process of deleting any evidence you or your game existed as fast as you possibly can. You know, like all good developers do!

Also, unrelated, if you notice Hard Drive suddenly disappearing from Twitter, Discord, YouTube, and/or the internet in general, don’t panic, we do that all the time! Everything’s fine. Trust us!

How To Get Granite Slab In LEGO Fortnite

Granite Slabs are a basic building resource at the beginning of LEGO Fortnite, and this guide will get you through everything from where to find Granite, and how to get the Granite Slab itself.

 

Wordle Today – Answer And Hint For #937 January 12, 2024

 

Where To Find Granite Ore In LEGO Fortnite

Granite ore is plentiful in the open world of LEGO Fortnite. Simply hack away with any pickaxe at the larger grey rocks and boulders scattered across the overworld, and you will break them down into its constituent Granite pieces for gathering. You will occasionally even find Granite ore simply lying around on the ground for the taking.

If you have villagers available, bring one along to speed up the mining process a bit, but only as long as they have the right equipment of course.

How To Get Granite Slabs In LEGO Fortnite

Next is transforming the Granite into Granite Slabs. This will require a Stone Breaker, which only unlocks when your village is at level 5. This will require:

  • 20 Knotroot
  • 35 Marble (just ore not Marble Slabs)

Once the Stone Breaker is up and running, set Granite Slab as the active recipe in it, and place all your Granite ore in there as well. Each Granite ore is worth one Granite Slab.

How To Get Heavy Wool And Heavy Wool Thread In LEGO Fortnite

Since Granite Slabs are a fairly important resource, do not hesitate to build an additional Stone Breaker to match your needs. Stone Breakers also come in handy to produce Marble Slabs from Marble ore, and much later in the game: Obsidian Slabs from Obsidian ore, so it is not a one-trick pony.

How To Use Granite Slabs

Granite Slabs are a required resource for buildings including the most critical ones of all:

Village Level 6 Upgrade

  • 20 Knotroot
  • 20 Granite Slabs

Grain Mill

  • 20 Knotroot Rod
  • 20 Granite Slab
  • 3 Shell

The Grain Mill is going to be a crucial structure in the launching of farming operations, and will grind food down, as well as spit out the seeds for your use in Garden Plots.

How To Get Brightcore In LEGO Fortnite

Brightcore is another Rare resource in LEGO Fortnite. If you’re struggling with where to find Brightcore in LEGO Fortnite, this is the guide for you. You will also find several relevant recipes which require Brightcore to complete.

 

Wordle Today – Answer And Hint For #937 January 12, 2024

 

Where To Find Brightcore Ore In LEGO Fortnite

Brightcore ore can only be found in the Dry Valley biome, aka the desert, and specifically within lava caves. If you want to find a lava cave in LEGO Fortnite, simply check the map for cave locations and proceed to each one in turn. Within a cave, the golden-orange Brightcore growth is most likely to be discovered close to lava flow, which is going to pose a real danger to you as you jump around trying to reach it and then gather it up.

Additionally, to be able to mine Brightcore ore, you must use a Rare or better pickaxe. That will require three Flexwood Rods and three Sand Claws in order to craft.

MORE IN FORTNITE:

The heat factor from being within a lava cave cannot be ignored either. So it is recommended that you get a hold of either a Rare or Epic Cool-Headed Charm. A short term solution would be eating a Snowberry for two minutes of Heat Resistance per pop.

It is very unlikely that you will ever find Brightcore ore in a desert cave without lava present in it, so you may want to move on sooner rather than later.

How To Use Brightcore In LEGO Fortnite

Mined Brightcore is a critical resource later in the game to create Charms, Copper Bars, and Iron Bars. The recipes are as follows:

Copper Bar Recipe

  • 1 Copper
  • 2 Brightcore
  • Metal Smelter

Iron Bar Recipe

  • 1 Iron
  • 2 Brightcore
  • Metal Smelter

How To Get Heavy Wool And Heavy Wool Thread In LEGO Fortnite

Inner Fire Charm Recipe (Rare)

Increases resistance to cold temperatures.

Keep yourself nice and toasty.

  • 3 Wool Thread
  • 5 Cut Ruby
  • 8 Brightcore
  • 5 Blast Cores
  • Crafting Bench (Rare)

Inner Fire Charm Recipe (Epic)

Increases resistance to cold temperatures.

In this case, DON’T chill out.

  • 3 Heavy Wool Thread
  • 30 Brightcore
  • 10 Blast Cores
  • 1 Frost Brute Scale
  • Crafting Bench (Epic)