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Opinion: It Is Literally Impossible for Me to Be the Impostor

Okay, first off, I don’t even know why we’re having this Emergency Meeting. Don’t get me wrong, Yellow’s death is a tragedy, and we’re all going to miss the way that she swiped keycards and reconnected wires. But we’ve got an Impostor on board! We can’t waste time sitting around pointing fingers, least of all at me, because it’s literally impossible for me to be the Impostor.

I mean, sure. I was the one who found Yellow’s body. And sure, it was right after the lights mysteriously shut off. And sure, after our last Emergency Meeting, I just stood around waiting for everyone to leave. But does that make me an Impostor? I think it makes me a good friend who watches their friends’ backs and honors the dead, unlike some of the suspicious people around here.

Yeah, I’m talking to you, Red. You’re so sure that you were in Communications. I don’t even know where that is! There’s probably not even a vent in there. And trust me, I’d know! Cause I’m not the Impostor, which means I need to know every location an Impostor would hide. 

And what about you, Blue? Mr. “I completed my tasks.” What are you doing with all your spare time, huh? I’ve been following him around relentlessly from room to room, and let me say that he’s acting mighty sus. It could totally be him, or any of you, really. Not me though.

What tasks do I have? I’ll get to that in just a moment.

Now, what do you say we vote not to eject anyone, and continue about our day. It’s the logical thing to do. Cool? Okay, great. We’re basically out of time anyway now that I’m done talking.

While we’re here, I do just want to say if the oxygen for some reason cuts off, I’ll handle turning it back on. Trust me, I’ve got it all under control.

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