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Kid Who Asked for Console Gets Lump of Coal With “Get a PC” Written on It

ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Local gamer Madison Sutton, 12, hoped to find a PS5 video game console under the Christmas tree this morning, but instead received a lump of coal in her stocking with “Get a PC” written on it.

“Most of my games are okay on the PS4, but I saw the new graphics for Miles Morales and it made me really want the PS5. Guess that’s not happening,” said Sutton, who also asked for a ring light and Razor scooter. “Oh well, I can still play it on the PS4 and have a good time.”

When reached for comment, noted PC user Kris Kringle defended his decision.

“That kid is dumb as shit. Even a mid-tier PC is going to get you better performance than one of those shitty boxes, and that’s before you even factor in the ability to mod,” said Kringle, citing the benchmark numbers on his custom rig. “Everybody who buys a console is contributing to the deterioration of video games. That puts them on the naughty list for sure.”

Kringle dismissed claims that consoles were a simpler solution for gamers who prefer them, and that their mix of value and performance was plenty for most people.

“I don’t have time to tell you why you’re wrong, so here,” Kringle said, supplying a link to a PC-building subreddit where he was a frequent poster. “Read the sticky and don’t ask any stupid questions. Also, remember: the rules on the sidebar are not suggestions.”

Kringle confirmed that gamers who ordered pre-built PCs would remain on the nice list for now, but that they were “on thin fucking ice.”

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