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Former Cards Against Humanity Writer Keeps Pitching ‘Cum Goblin’ to Wizards of the Coast

RENTON, Wash. — Former Cards Against Humanity writer Marc Weaver has reportedly frustrated his new coworkers at Magic: the Gathering after repeatedly pitching his idea for a “cum goblin” card to be added to the newest set, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I’m a guy who writes cards. It’s what I do! I know that Wizards of the Coast hired me because of my background and experience, and after years working for Cards Against Humanity, I know what kind of cards pack a punch. That’s what I wanted to make a splash — pun absolutely intended — with a big cum joke,” Weaver explained. “And I did my research! Cum goblin would have fit perfectly into their whole new set, which is some fantasy thing or whatever that I’m sure has goblins.”

Clare Bird, the writer at Wizards of the Coast who hired Weaver, says that she hopes they can find a way for him to fit in with the team more.

“I was just hoping to get some new ideas in the writers room. I didn’t really know what Cards Against Humanity is, but I figured having experience writing cards would be good, especially if it has some sort of battle system. Now I know that ‘Against Humanity’ just means filling in blanks with the word ‘AIDS,’” Bird said. “That being said, the guy has some OK ideas! His idea for a land card called Bog of Dead Babies was a bit much, but we ended up using the evil bog idea in the end. And you know what? Maybe we’ll even include just a normal, non-cum goblin!”

Weaver, however, has not been deterred by his co-workers telling him “no.”

“I’ve got the whole thing planned out. We can have a whole cum tribe, where all the cum creatures boost each other,” Weaver said. “You gotta watch out for their effect, though: sticky. Sticky is when a cum-goblin, or any other cum creature, be it a cum-orc, cum-troll, or cum-quat, gets cum on your creatures. This slows them down, making it impossible for them to defend incoming attacks for two turns. Obviously this all fits nicely into a mono-white deck.”

Despite Weaver’s issues at his new job, he’s reportedly still doing better than a former Magic employee desperately trying to understand why the other Cards Against Humanity writers are telling him there’s no way to make a funny joke out of his idea for a card called Groth’rar the Executor.

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