Guy Who’s Pretty Good at Rocket League Advances to Next Round of America’s Got Talent

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — A guy who’s pretty good at Rocket League has wowed the judges and successfully moved onto the next round of NBC’s long running competition show America’s Got Talent.

“Wow, that was really something,” said longtime judge Howie Mandel, after watching contestant Brad Morris win two out of three games in 2v2 at the platinum level. “You hit the ball out of the air a few times, and if I’m not mistaken there was a pass to your teammate at the end there that wasn’t a total lucky coincidence. Just wonderful stuff. You’re going to be a real tough one to beat in this competition, and I can’t wait to see some more of your moves.” 

Morris, who’s been focusing on his mediocre Rocket League game for five years, was surprised at how well the performance went over. 

“I know sometimes they can get a little overzealous with that buzzer when an act isn’t up their alley, so I was definitely worried at first,” he said. “But when I tied the game up at 3-3 with a minute left and Sofia Vargera told me to ‘Fuck their asses up’ as loud as she could, I knew they were into it. It was so cool. So now I’m wondering if I should switch to a different game for the next round, or just keep playing Rocket League for these guys.” 

The Rocket League team were overjoyed to see their game achieve such mainstream recognition. 

“We were ecstatic when Rocket League was so well received upon its release, and we’re even more ecstatic that it continues to be relevant seven years later,” said the game’s director, Thomas Silloway. “To think that years later we have a dedicated fanbase that are still playing regularly despite grappling with the basic mechanics of the game is really a sign that we did something right, I think. And having watched the episode, we’re confident that one day Brad will get the hang of aerial moves.” 

As of press time, Morris had lost in the semifinals to a guy that could play Super Mario Bros. 3 with his butt.

Gaming Convention Lets Fans Try Out This Year’s New Diseases Before Anyone Else

Posted on by Kyle Erf

NEW YORK — A yearly gaming convention has drawn gamers from all over the world that are excited to try out next year’s new diseases before anyone else gets to. 

“Oh, now this is really exciting right here,” said games journalist Laurie Stockton of the fever-like symptoms she was experiencing after spending a few hours on the floor of the ButtonFest ’22 convention. “What I’m feeling here are a lot of the typical things associated with an open world disease, phlegm and fatigue and a sore throat, but it’s all been repackaged in such a way that it feels original. I think the breathing public is really going to take to whatever this illness is that I have contracted when it’s released to the public later this year.” 

Many have alleged that it was irresponsible to carry on with the convention as planned despite COVID-19 diagnosis still being prevalent. 

“I get that these conventions and expos have been planned and booked, and that they’ve always been in person in the past,” said Ethan Jones, a concerned games journalist. “But also, we’re still losing a 9/11s worth of people a week to this shit, and as much as we like to pretend it’s completely gone away, there’s just nothing responsible about gathering thousands of people into a big showroom so that they can play video games of all things.” 

“However, I wouldn’t miss it for anything,” he added, coughing on the showroom floor as he played a hands-on demo of Sonic Frontiers.

ButtonFest ’22 organizers have insisted that they’ve conducted this year’s show with the safety of everyone involved in mind. 

“We take the health of our attendees very seriously,” said Richard McKay, one of the festival’s organizers. “And as such, we are adhering closely to the CDC’s most recent guidelines of, ‘Wash your hands often,’ and ‘Hey, you know, maybe don’t sneeze into someone’s mouth while they’re yawning.’ We think if everyone pays close attention to these guidelines, maybe the infectious diseases won’t spread to everyone standing around next to each other here for three days.” 

As of press time, industry insiders confirmed that this year’s new diseases would be free-to-play and available across all regions. 

Stardew Valley Fishing Guide: How to Catch Every Fish, Catchable Item, and Legendary Fish

Posted on by Neel Bhakta

With a soothing storyline and a slew of activities to enjoy, Stardew Valley can be a haven for gamers who crave a low stress gaming experience. For others, especially those who want to obsessively collect every item in the game, Stardew Valley fishing can be a source of endless frustration. With a total of 72 fishes and catchable items, it can be daunting to complete the collection and earn the Master Angler achievement. Luckily, we’ve got you covered. This guide will cover the locations, weather conditions, time, and equipment needed to successfully catch every fish in Stardew Valley, from albacore to woodskip.

How to Fish in Stardew Valley

Before we dive in and learn how to fish in Stardew Valley, we need to obtain a fishing rod. On the second day of any new game, Willy will ask you to visit the beach before 5:00 pm. After a cutscene, you will receive a bamboo pole from Willy. You can purchase the fiberglass rod after reaching fishing level 2 and the iridium rod at fishing level 6. There is also the training rod, which can make fishing easier but you’ll only be able to catch common fish.

Stardew Valley implements a fishing minigame that can be difficult to grasp at first. After casting your fishing rod in a body of water and getting a bite, the minigame will appear. To catch the fish, you will need to click your left mouse button (or the Use Tool button on consoles) to keep the green bar over the fish icon long enough to fill your progress bar. Holding the mouse button will raise the bar, while letting go of the button will lower the bar. Since the fish icon is somewhat unpredictable and the green bar can be tough to control, many players struggle with fishing. 

It may be helpful to rapidly tap and release the left mouse button instead of holding, as you’ll be able to control the upward motion in minor increments. Additionally, the size of the green bar will increase as you level up. At level 6, the iridium rod will allow you to use different bobbers which can make the fishing minigame easier. Finally, there’s no shame in using mods to make catching fish easier. 

How to Catch Every Fish in Stardew Valley

Now that you know how to fish in Stardew Valley, here’s how to catch every fish in the game. Stardew Valley fish have specific locations (see map below), time, seasons, weather conditions, and equipment requirements in order to be caught. Every fish and their respective catch condition can be found in the tables below.

Name Location Time Season Weather Equipment
Albacore Ocean 6am – 11am, 6pm-2am Fall, Winter Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Anchovy Ocean Anytime Spring, Fall Any Any Fishing Pole
Blobfish Night Market 5pm – 2am Winter 15-17 Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Blue Discus Ginger Island Anytime All Seasons Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Bream River (Town & Forest) 6pm – 2am All Seasons Any Any Fishing Pole
Bullhead Mountain Lake Anytime All Seasons Any Any Fishing Pole
Carp Mountain Lake, Secret Woods Pond, The Sewers Anytime All Seasons Any Any Fishing Pole
Catfish River (Town & Forest), Secret Woods Pond, Witch’s Swamp 6am – 12am Spring, Fall, (Spring, Summer in Secret Woods Pond) Rain Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Chub River (Forest), Mountain Lake Anytime All Seasons Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Cockle Ocean Anytime All Seasons Any Crab Pot
Crab Ocean Anytime All Seasons Any Crab Pot
Crayfish Freshwater Anytime All Seasons Any Crab Pot
Dorado River (Forest) Anytime All Seasons Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Eel Ocean 4pm – 2am Spring, Fall Rain Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Flounder Ocean, Ginger Island (Ocean) 6am – 8pm Spring, Summer, (All Seasons on Ginger Island) Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Ghostfish Mines (20F, 60F), item drop from Ghost Anytime All Seasons Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Green Algae Freshwater, item drop from Green Slime Anytime All Seasons Any Any Fishing Pole
Halibut Ocean 6am – 11am, 7pm – 2am Spring, Summer, Winter Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Herring Ocean Anytime Spring, Winter Any Any Fishing Pole
Ice Pip Mines (60F) Anytime All Seasons Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Largemouth Bass Mountain Lake 6am – 7pm All Seasons Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Lava Eel Mines (100F), Ginger Island (Volcano Caldera) Anytime All Seasons Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Lingcod River (Town & Forest), Mountain Lake Anytime Winter Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Lionfish Ginger Island Anytime All Seasons Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Lobster Ocean Anytime All Seasons Any Crab Pot
Midnight Carp Mountain Lake, Forest Pond, Ginger Island 10pm – 2am Fall, Winter, (All Seasons on Ginger Island) Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Midnight Squid Night Market 5pm – 2am Winter 15-17 Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Mussel Ocean Anytime All Seasons Any Crab Pot
Octopus Ocean 6am – 1pm Summer Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Oyster Ocean Anytime All Seasons Any Crab Pot
Perch River (Town & Forest), Forest Pond, Mountain Lake Anytime Winter Any Any Fishing Pole
Periwinkle Freshwater Anytime All Seasons Any Crab Pot
Pike River (Town & Forest), Forest Pond Anytime Summer, Winter Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Pufferfish Ocean, Ginger Island (Ocean) 12pm – 4pm Summer, (All Seasons on Ginger Island) Sunny Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Rainbow Trout River (Town & Forest), Mountain Lake 6am – 7pm Summer Sunny Any Fishing Pole
Red Mullet Ocean 6am – 7pm Summer, Winter Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Red Snapper Ocean 6am – 7pm Summer, Fall, Winter (Rain Totem) Rain Any Fishing Pole
Salmon River (Town & Forest) 6am – 7pm Fall Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Sandfish The Desert 6am – 8pm All Seasons Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Sardine Ocean 6am – 7pm Spring, Fall, Winter Any Any Fishing Pole
Scorpion Carp The Desert 6am – 8pm All Seasons  Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Sea Cucumber Ocean 6am – 7pm Fall, Winter Any Any Fishing Pole
Seaweed Ocean Anytime All Seasons Any Any Fishing Pole
Shad River (Town & Forest) 9am – 2am Spring, Summer, Fall Rain Any Fishing Pole
Shrimp Ocean Anytime All Seasons Any Crab Pot
Slimejack The Sewers (Mutant Bug Lair) Anytime All Seasons Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Smallmouth Bass River (Town), Forest Pond Anytime Spring, Fall Any Any Fishing Pole
Snail Freshwater Anytime All Seasons Any Crab Pot
Spook Fish Night Market 5pm – 2am Winter 15-17 Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Squid Ocean 6pm – 2am Winter Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Stingray Ginger Island (Pirate Cove) Anytime All Seasons Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Stonefish Mines (20F) Anytime All Seasons Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Sturgeon Mountain Lake 6am – 7pm Summer, Winter Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Sunfish River (Town & Forest) 6am – 7pm Spring, Summer Sunny, Windy Any Fishing Pole
Super Cucumber Ocean, Ginger Island (Ocean) 6pm – 2am Summer, Fall, (All Seasons on Ginger Island) Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Tiger Trout River (Town & Forest) 6am – 7pm Fall, Winter Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Tilapia Ocean, Ginger Island (Rivers) 6am – 2pm Summer, Fall, (All Seasons on Ginger Island) Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Tuna Ocean, Ginger Island (Ocean) 6am – 7pm Summer, Winter, (All Seasons on Ginger Island) Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Void Salmon Witch’s Swamp Anytime All Seasons Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles
Walleye River (Town & Forest), Forest Pond, Mountain Lake 12pm – 2am Fall, Winter (Rain Totem) Rain Any Fishing Pole
White Algae Underground Locations, item drop from several monsters Anytime All Seasons Any Any Fishing Rod
Woodskip Secret Woods Pond, Forest Farm Anytime All Seasons Any Bamboo, Fiberglass, and Iridium Poles

*Information retrieved from https://stardewvalleywiki.com/Fish*

How to catch legendary fish

To complete the fish collection and earn the Master Angler achievement, there are 5 legendary fish that need to be caught. These fish are rarer and harder to catch than the fish above. Additionally, they can only be found in specific locations and can only be caught once per save file. 

With the latest 1.5 update, Stardew Valley has added five more legendary fish, bringing the total to 73 catchable items. These fish can only be caught during Mr. Qi’s Extended Family Quest, but they are not required to earn the Master Angler achievement. These will be marked below with asterisks. 

Name Location Time Season Weather Equipment
Angler River (Town), above JojaMart on plank bridge Anytime Fall Any Any Fishing Rod, requires fishing level 3
Ms. Angler* River (Town), above JojaMart on plank bridge Anytime All Seasons Any Any Fishing Rod, requires fishing level 3

Name Location Time Season Weather Equipment
Crimsonfish East Pier on Beach Anytime Summer Any Any Fishing Rod, require fishing level 5
Son of Crimsonfish* East Pier on Beach Anytime All Seasons Any Any Fishing Rod, require fishing level 5

Name Location Time Season Weather Equipment
Glacierfish Southernmost tip of Arrowhead Island in Cindersap Forest Anytime Winter Any Any Fishing Rod, requires fishing level 6
Glacierfish Jr.* Southernmost tip of Arrowhead Island in Cindersap Forest Anytime All Seasons Any Any Fishing Rod, requires fishing level 6

Name Location Time Season Weather Equipment
Legend Mountain Lake, near underwater log Anytime Spring Rain Any Fishing Rod, requires fishing level 10
Legend II* Mountain Lake, near underwater log Anytime All Seasons Any Any Fishing Rod, requires fishing level 10

Name Location Time Season Weather Equipment
Mutant Carp The Sewers Anytime All Seasons Any Any Fishing Rod
Radioactive Carp* The Sewers Anytime All Seasons Any Any Fishing Rod

*Information retrieved from https://stardewvalleywiki.com/Fish*

Other Helpful Fishing Tips

Now that we’ve gone over where and how to catch every fish in Stardew Valley, we can discuss some helpful tips to complete your collection. From constructing Stardew Valley fishing ponds to learning how to put bait on your fishing rod, we’ve got you covered.

How to Put Bait on Fishing Rods in Stardew Valley

Once you upgrade to the Fiberglass rod, you will have the option to use bait. Bait can be crafted with Bug Meat or bought at Willy’s Fish Shop. To equip the bait on your rod, open your inventory and pick up your bait using the left click. Then hover over your fishing rod and right click to equip the bait. Additionally, you can put bait in crab pots by right clicking the pot once it’s placed in the water. 

There are four types of bait. Regular bait will shorten the time it takes for a fish to bite. The magnet will increase your chances to fish up some treasure. Like regular bait, wild bait will shorten the time it takes for a fish to bite. And lastly, magic bait can be used to catch fish from any season, time, and location, from the water you casted in. 

Tackles

Once you have purchased the iridium rod, you will be able to use both bait and tackles. There are few different tackle options, starting with the Spinner and the Dressed Spinner, which both increase the bite rate of fish. The Trap Bobber lengthens the time it takes for a fish to escape. The Cork Bobber increases the size of your fishing bar and the Lead Bobber prevents the green bar from bouncing at the bottom. The Treasure Hunter bobber increases your chances to find treasure. The Barbed Hook makes it easier to catch fish by having the green bar follow the fish. Finally, the Curiosity Bobber increases your chances to catch a rare fish and the Quality Bobber increases the quality of caught fish. 

Stardew Valley Fish Ponds

Fish ponds can be built using Robin’s carpentry shop for the price of 5,000 gold, 200 stone, 5 seaweed, and 5 green algae. Once constructed, you can place a fish into the pond and it will begin reproducing. The fish produce various items depending on which fish are in the pond. Additionally, you can fish in the pond to remove the reproduced fish and sell them for a profit. 

Bubbles and Fishing Stat Buffs from Recipes

Occasionally, bubbles will appear in a body of water. If you cast your line into these bubbles, fish will bite much faster. These bubbles are rare and eventually dissipate, so it’s important to get the most out of it while it lasts.

Some recipes can temporarily increase your fishing level. With a higher fishing level, the green bar in the minigame will increase in size. Recipes for Dish O’ The Sea and Seafoam Pudding can be learned after reaching fishing level 3 and 9, respectively. Chowder, Escargot, Fish Stew, Lobster Bisque can be learned from Willy after reaching certain heart levels. Linus will share his Fish Taco recipe once you have 7 hearts with him. Finally, you can learn Maple Bar, Shrimp Cocktail, and Trout Soup from The Queen of Sauce on the television. 

And that’s that! Completing the fish collection is a tough task, but it’s one of the most rewarding experiences in Stardew Valley. Additionally, you’ll receive the Master Angler achievement, which you can proudly boast to all your friends. Now, go out and channel your inner Ash Ketchum to catch them all!

Persona 5 Royal: How to Defeat the Reaper

Posted on by William Quant

Across the Persona series, there are plenty of incredibly tough enemies. Perhaps the most feared is The Reaper, an entity that shows up again in Persona 5 Royal when the Phantom Thieves stay too long on any floor in Mementos. In the original Persona 5, players could exploit the game’s Flu Season to defeat The Reaper with embarrassing ease. For Persona 5 Royal, this crippling weakness has been fixed and The Reaper is at full power. Luckily, it isn’t too difficult to exploit another key weakness in the Persona 5 Royal Reaper and defeat it with minimal casualties. We’re here to tell you everything you need to know to beat The Reaper.

The Reaper in Persona 5 Royal is level 85, but players can be fit to challenge it from around level 60 if they’re well-prepared and equipped with the right items. This would place the ideal time to face The Reaper as anytime after the sixth Palace. The Reaper has no weaknesses or resistances, so there should be no reservation about going all out. To get The Reaper to appear, go to any floor in Mementos and find a spot to just wait. It may help to go to an early floor so that the weak enemies run away from you so you don’t accidentally reset the clock with a fight.

When you hear those ominous chains start rattling and Morgana tells you to be careful, that means The Reaper is somewhere on the floor. Drive around and find him, but do not initiate a battle. Against all logic, you should let The Reaper ambush you. This will cause The Reaper to get one turn instead of two turns in a row.

How to Prepare for The Reaper

There is only one item or skill you really need to have in the bag to take on Persona 5 Royal’s Reaper and that’s something that repels any magic except Almighty. The skill Makarakarn does exactly this. It can be learned by Haru at level 44. If she has forgotten it, she can be sent to the confessional at the Chapel in Kanda (where you regularly meet Star Confidant, Hifumi). If Joker needs to summon a Persona that knows the spell, it is a default skill of Arahabaki, who can be found in Okumura’s Palace or Mementos. It is also a default skill of Scathach and Lilith, who need to be created by fusion. To see what you need to make these Personas, we recommend using the Persona 5 Royal Fusion Calculator created by chinhodato. 

The even easier alternative is to have an item called Magic Ointment. It does the exact same thing as Makarakarn and can be used by anyone. The catch is that it is only regularly available from Takemi’s Clinic if you get the Death Confidant to Rank 10. If you manage to do so, they only cost 4,000 yen. 

Finally, because you’ll need The Reaper to ambush you, a Persona that knows Thermopylae can be clutch for extra help. Thermopylae allows you to pump up everyone in the party’s ATK, DEF, and Accuracy/Evasion at once if you’re surrounded.

Fighting The Reaper

Once The Reaper ambushes you, it will pump itself up with Concentrate. Your first move should be to block the incoming charged attack. From there, use Thermopylae and heal up if needbe. At least one party member should cast Makarakarn or use the Magic Ointment. It does not matter who you choose to give the shield to.

Normally, The Reaper would attack the party with elemental skills that target specific weaknesses. However, with the Makarakarn/Magic Ointment shield up, it will get stuck in an indefinite loop of using Concentrate and then Megidolaeon, which deals Almighty damage to the whole party. This makes it incredibly easy to to attack it with everything you have after it uses Megidolaeon and then block after it uses Concentrate. Restore health and SP when needed, most likely with Morgana or items like Leblanc Coffee.

In addition to all the buffs you can give yourself, a new wrinkle in any Persona 5 Royal Reaper fight is that your Showtime finishers can become more frequently available. They usually activate when an enemy is near death, but they also can be prompted when your back is against the wall or in a tight spot, i.e. getting ambushed. These should allow you to do even more massive damage to The Reaper. This cycle, when paired with your ability to massively increase EXP gained in Mementos via Jose, can make the Persona 5 Royal Reaper prime farming and level grinding material.

Upon defeat, The Reaper will sometimes drop the Divine Pillar accessory, which halves all damage done to the wearer.

Persona 5 Royal is now available on PlayStation 4 and releases on PlayStation 5, Xbox One, Xbox One Series X/S, Nintendo Switch, and PC October 21st.  

Nintendo Announces Next Direct Will Be Scheduled for the Exact Time Your Boss Checks In for a One-on-One

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

REDMOND, Wash. — Nintendo announced today that their next Nintendo Direct will be streamed live precisely when your boss shoots you a request to hop on a call. 

“We love how much our fans are anticipating our next exciting Nintendo Direct, and we can’t wait to show off our upcoming releases for the Nintendo Switch system,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser. “That’s why we’re so excited to be working with bosses across the nation to schedule check-ins right as the Direct presentation begins so we can draw out that anticipation for an extra 15 to 30 minutes. This next direct’s gonna be 40 minutes, too, so don’t even think about trying to just show up late to your meeting to catch the whole thing. You’ll have to just half pay attention to what’s trending on Twitter like all the other chumps.”

Managers and supervisors are eagerly printing quarterly sales and customer feedback reports to go over as Nintendo potentially reveals rumored games like a Switch release of The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker HD or the long awaited Metroid Prime remaster.

“We’re headed into the end of the third quarter here, so let’s hop on a Zoom and chat generally about how things are going,” said your boss, Kurt, currently taking a quick scroll through your availability. “Nintendo has been an amazing partner in helping to set this up, and we’re narrowing in on a time between 9:00am PST/11:00am CST/12:00pm EST and 2:00pm PST/4:00pm CST/5:00pm EST. Do any of those times work for you?”

Bowser reassured Nintendo fans feeling frustrated that they are going to be unable to view the Direct presentation live because of work obligations.

“Here at Nintendo, we’re keenly aware of how tough it can be to balance everyday work and the fun, inviting portfolio of games coming to the Nintendo Switch system in the first half of 2023, which is why we’re going to keep the fun going with a Treehouse Live presentation directly after the conclusion of the Direct in which I will conduct a performance review of our Head of Marketing.”

At press time, the CEO of your company just sent out an invite to an All Hands Business Update scheduled to begin halfway through the next PlayStation State of Play.

Tomorrow’s Nintendo Direct Will Be Livestreamed Twice by Nintendo Ireland Out of Disrespect for the Queen

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

DUBLIN — As a sign of disrespect to Queen Elizabeth II, tomorrow’s Nintendo Direct livestream will be played twice back to back by Nintendo Ireland.

“Fuck her, I say,” said Nintendo of Ireland President Eoin ó Ceallaigh. “I only have respect for one member of the royal family and that’s Bowsette. I don’t even like Peach. I hope the Direct is just a bunch of JRPG games with evil monarchs who turn into big stupid dragons you can kill and I hope everybody in the UK cries about it. Fuck the royal family, fuck colonialism, and fuck Sony for good measure too. Sorry, I’m a big console war guy too.”

The move comes as a direct response to UK Nintendo’s decision to delay the livestream to its citizens out of respect for the recently passed queen. 

“Aye, there’s no way I’m in the right mental state to see videos of Link and Zelda, the Queen just died not 72 hours ago,” said one British gamer. “And I heard the Queen always hated those buggers. It would just be wrong for people to have to look at their jolly little Italian faces at a time like this. I get that we can’t just force everyone to skip the Direct like we are, but I’m glad that no one will be gleefully watching it due to just the fact that they know the Queen would be pissed. That would piss me right off.”

At press time, members of the unofficial Nintendo Scotland were reportedly passing around bootlegged copies of Nintendo Ireland’s double-screening to play at underground viewing parties during the UK’s ban on lively video game news.

Guy Telling Parents About Date Clearly Just Describing Pigeon from ‘Hatoful Boyfriend’

Posted on by Hunter R. Thompson

PORTLAND, Maine — Local loner Darin Youseman’s story about a date he went on with his boyfriend last Friday was quickly determined by witnesses to actually be about Yuuya Sakazaki, a flirty upperclassman and fantail pigeon from the visual novel series Hatoful Boyfriend.

“He’s an experienced world traveler, stably employed… I think his allegiance to the pacifists in the Dove Party is a little centrist and naive, but hold on hold on — mmmm, mrom, dish ish rullhy good,” Youseman reportedly said, eating an enormous mouthful of his mother’s meatloaf to avoid having to elaborate. “Mmmm, anyway, he’s got these gleaming pink… lips, you know, and the most gorgeous soft snow-white… uh, skin? Skin, yeah.”

Youseman’s parents, who weren’t fooled by this ruse, lament that this is not the first time their son has framed a video game route as a romantic encounter.

“Your father wanted me to trust you when you told us about that the nice green tiger-boy whose book you got published, or that girl who paints murals with her feet,” Mrs. Youseman said, recalling her son’s playthroughs of Amorous and Katawa Shoujo. “But when you said that thing about Yuuya blowing holes in the side of a tank with an anti-materiel rifle, well, that got us concerned, honey. Are you still speaking with that young lady from the literature club? Your grandmother liked her a lot.”

Undeterred, Youseman reportedly kept up the lie, and bragged about landing Yuuya to his friends the following day.

“Darin, this guy sounds like toootal husband material,” his former high school classmate Cristina Holmes said in clueless awe. “Cute little glasses, secure enough in his gender to work in a maid cafe, and he took a lethal dose of poison to save his brother’s life from a political assassination? Brian would never do that for me. You got one of the good ones.”

At press time, Youseman had reportedly gotten to the end of Yuuya’s route and decided it was easier to come clean than admit he had been tricked into eating his boyfriend.

Big Revelation Incoming: This JRPG Character Just Walked Up to a Pointy Cliff

Posted on by Kyle Erf

THE FOOTHILLS OF AMENHYRST PEAK — A character in the JRPG game Jewel Blood: The Bewitching has reportedly wandered over to a pointy cliff, which almost certainly indicates a long winded speech and/or a big plot point are imminent, sources within the main party have confirmed. 

“Oh yeah, we better get over there,” said Lynnmar the Elven, when she noticed that the party’s leader had moseyed over towards Amenhyrst Peak, holding the crystals they’d just obtained from the haunted swamp. “He’s gonna be so pissy if we miss the first half of the monologue. Plus, he won’t repeat himself either. I missed one of these one time and spent an entire year not knowing who or what we were going after. I just had to keep pretending to know what the whole deal was. It totally sucked.” 

The monologue given by Rivenmore the Bladed, the party’s leader, was mostly a summation of events up until this point, followed by the reveal that he’s known all along that the King of the surrounding lands was corrupt. 

“He’s so dramatic,” said Jarx the Mage, a longtime party member. “Like, just tell us that shit in the morning while we’re eating breakfast or something. It’s so dramatic to wait until sunset and get up a few feet above all of us to talk about the adventure we’ve been on so far.” 

“I know asshole,” he added. “I was right there with you.” 

Most party members agreed that the so-called “revelation” had essentially boiled down to contextualizing everything they’d learned in the last day or two and overexplaining what felt like some pretty obvious conclusions to everyone involved. 

“Does he think I just got here,” asked Spike, the little talking dog.  “Yeah, all signs do point towards this having something to do with The Chosen Family. That’s why they’re The Chosen Family! God! Why did we let this guy be the leader? We were fooled by the size of his sword, huh? I know I sure was. Boy, we really blew it.” 

As of press time, everyone could tell Rivenmore was done with his speech and started clapping for him.

DEAL ALERT: Xbox Series X Same Price as It Always Is

Posted on by Jason Herbert

After the PS5 price hike, gamers everywhere can rejoice at the amazing deal Microsoft has offered — Xbox Series X price has done a total 360 to remain right back at the same price it’s always been. Buying an Xbox Series X at the exact same price is an absolute steal. 

“Microsoft prides itself on putting our users first,” said CEO of Microsoft Gaming Phil Spencer. “By keeping the price of Xbox Series X the same as it already was, we are showing how much we value them. Any company that would raise the price of existing hardware is terrible for gaming and we hope everyone can see that. Unlike raising the price of a service, which is good.”

Xbox Series X has been $499.99 since it was released in November 2020; remaining the same price despite having no reason to change it is an impressive marketing strategy. Even people who have already purchased the console can feel relief knowing anyone else who is able to buy one at retail won’t be unfairly subjected to a higher price point. 

Those who thought the Xbox Series X was too expensive before are reportedly relieved as well, because even though it’s as expensive as it’s ever been, they are still just as unable to afford one as before.

“My broke ass couldn’t afford to buy a Xbox Series X and my Mom won’t buy me one. With this deal, I’m still too broke to get it and she still won’t buy me one,” said Aaron Mason, 12. “But now at least I know a higher price ain’t the problem, the same old price was high enough.”

And for those wanting a slightly different deal, the Xbox Series S has also remained the same price as it always has, a fact that has been ignored by nearly everyone, just like the system itself.

Real Life Fight Club Actually Requires Litany of Complex Rules and Regulations

Posted on by Camden Brazile

CLEVELAND — Participants of a local underground fight club were disheartened Monday morning when, unlike the David Fincher movie the club was inspired by, the organization actually required a litany of complex rules and regulations.

“The first rule of fight club is: do not talk about fight club,” began Fight Club leader Eric Cromwell. “The second rule is, if you’re new, see Stacy at the org booth, she’ll get your ID and club card made provided you pay the six dollar membership fee. If you lose your card, you’ll have to email either myself or our support line, and we can get you a new one, but you’ll have to pay the fee again. Also, you’ll have to attend the safety training seminar, we’re having one this Saturday, everyone say thank you to Brian for hosting that, thanks Brian, and once you complete that course you should be all set to fight. We’re passing around a waiver right now, if you could please sign that, also there’s another form with an emergency contact form and any medical issues we should know about, just get that into me by next meeting.”

“How many rules have I said? Seven?” he added. “OK let’s run through the rest of these quickly so we can get started with all the fighting.”

Fight club participant John Hammerschimdt gave his insight into the club’s actual fighting.

“It was brutal. A no-holds-barred exhibition or raw masculinity,” Hammerschmidt said of his fight. “Although beforehand, we had to go over the minutes from the last meeting. Then, we discussed match-ups and did weigh-ins to ensure a fair fight. After putting in our mouth guards and wrapping our wrists, of course. The fight itself was a bloodbath, although neither of us got knocked out, the judges decided I had scored the most points, so I guess I technically won. So raw.”

At press time, sources in the fight club noted that tensions had been raised when both of the leader’s two personalities were running for club treasurer against each other.