Next Call of Duty Game to Star Character Who Enlisted After Playing Too Much CoD

Posted on by Zack White

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Treyarch’s upcoming Call of Duty game, set to release in 2024, will cover the Iraq War and, according to close sources within the company, will feature a player character who enlisted in 2004 after playing too much Call of Duty.

“Call of Duty has always believed in portraying the realities of war,” claimed Bruce Head, chief writer of the project. “Whether it was the brutality of the Pacific Theater in WW2 or the Rock and Roll Music of Vietnam, we have never shied away from realism. So when we needed a character emblematic of the Iraq War, it was just natural that our player character decided to enlist at 3 a.m. after getting a 20 killstreak at a LAN party in 2003.”

According to those familiar with the situation, the upcoming game will not shy away from the stark difference between the expectations set by games like CoD and the reality of war, as leaked game dialogue from the character, Brayden Kinnill,  has shown.

“Hey fellas, IEDs have objective markers right? No? Are you sure? Huh, I don’t think this is going to go well,” Kinnill says in a leaked cut-scene. “Yo I think I just killed someone for real. Huh. Hopefully this doesn’t ruin my life.”

When pressured about the narrative choices of the game, Head defended Treyarch’s move.

“Shying away from history has never helped anyone. The fact is these events happened, and we feel the best way to honor all involved is an honest retelling of their story,” Head said. “And if that retelling can be jazzed up a little with shiny medals and achievements to rope enough people into doing this all over again, then it’s our duty as Americans to do so.”

At press time, a leak revealed that the upcoming Call of Duty game will be a live service game, with updates until the end of time, in an effort to capture the feeling of America’s real life forever-war.

10-Minute Standing Ovation Just Long Enough for Tom Hanks to Go Through Audience Members’ Bags

Posted on by Doug Kolic

VENICE, Italy — An extended 10-minute standing ovation at the 79th annual Venice International Film Festival was apparently all the time Hollywood A-lister Tom Hanks needed to totally ransack the place of audience members’ possessions.

“Old Hansky sure cleaned up!” stated a Swarovski-wearing Hanks running towards his waiting limo. “Normally I’m only able to snatch a few wallets and fedoras at these types of events, but here at Venice this year it’s been a bonanza! I scored a few iPhones and tablets during Brendan Fraser’s 6-minute ovation for ‘The Whale’ a couple days ago and then Hugh Jackman’s ‘The Son’ just received an even longer 10-minute standing O. Now Tommy is balls deep in phones, swag bags, and purses, one of which had $100,000 cash in it! Trust me these actors don’t need that money — it was probably headed up someone’s nose anyway.” 

“You know why they call me T-Hanks, right?” he added. “Because I’m constantly saying ‘thanks’ to all the suckers.”

The star of ‘The Son,’ Hugh Jackman, explained the feeling of being robbed during what should have been a career highlight.

“It happened so fast,” said Jackman after the show. “One second we were up, waving to our adoring fans, then the next moment we realized all our shit was gone, including a twenty I had in my back pocket. I looked around to see if I saw anyone suspicious, but the only person I saw leaving the theatre looked a lot like Tom Hanks, which was weird since he wasn’t even supposed to be here. Tom’s the best though, I hope he wasn’t robbed either.”

An anonymous Hollywood insider, fearful of reprisals from the ‘Forrest Gump’ star, explained how the actor has exploited his good-guy image to go undetected for years.

“The last person anyone would suspect of carrying out these bling rings is Tom Hanks, one of the most respected actors of our generation,” explained the unknown source. “From what I understand, he’s been chasing this dragon for years — from The Oscars, to The Emmys, and even The Razzies. Apparently when you’ve achieved all there as an actor, you need the next high. And in Tom’s case, that high is plundering Gucci handbags and Prada jackets from his unsuspecting peers at festivals and award shows. Having said that, have you seen him in ‘Sully?’ He was fantastic in that. I should really watch that again.”

At press time, Jackman’s co-star Laura Dern was still in tears for having her purse and the 100K donation she had inside for a local orphanage stolen, while Hanks was seen headed back into the festival when he heard of the 14-minute standing ovation for the Ana de Armas movie ‘Blonde.’ 

NBA 2K23: MyTeam Weekly Challenges & Tips (Week 1)

Posted on by Parker Johnson

MyTeam is one of the most popular modes in the NBA 2K franchise, with players always vying for the best cards to get ahead of friends and rivals alike. One of the best ways to gain new cards and currency is through single-player NBA 2K23‘s weekly MyTeam challenges. These update weekly, but the first week of the game brings the most new challenges to the game. Luckily, we have everything you need to know to take these challenges on for yourself and earn some great rewards to jump start your team.

NBA 2K23: MyTeam Skills Challenges (Fundamentals)

At launch, there are two categories of these skills challenges. The first of these are the “Basketball Fundamentals.” These are a set of 10 challenges, with different requirements for finishing than simply winning the game. These are meant to examine players success in different areas. So, players just play until meeting a required metric in different fundamental areas. They are each rewarded by a three-card pack containing shoe boosts and badges to augment each fundamental area. These are fairly simple challenges, and are definitely recommended for those who have never played an NBA 2K game, or even experienced players who want to get used to new mechanics in a low-stress challenge. Otherwise, the rewards are a bit underwhelming. Here are all ten Basketball Fundamentals challenges, and the requirements for completion:

  • Inside Scoring: Score 5 baskets off post moves with a single player.
  • Mid-Range Scoring: Score 5 made jump shots with a single player.
  • Three-Point Scoring: Make 5 three-pointers as a team.
  • Playmaking: Dish out 5 assists as a single player.
  • Perimeter Defense: Record 2 steals as a team.
  • Post Defense: Block 3 shots as a single player.
  • Rebounding: Get 8 rebounds as a single player.
  • Free Throw: Make 4 free throws as a team.
  • Athleticism: Slam 5 dunks as a team.
  • Basketball IQ: Win a game without turning the ball over. Sounds difficult, but the game’s quarters are each one minute long. Makes it much easier to keep possession!

NBA 2K23: MyTeam Skills Challenges (Limitless)

The other section of the Skills Challenges is themed around the first major collection for 2K23’s MyTeam: Limitless. These are much tougher than the Fundamentals, with Amethyst and Diamond players galore that will pose a challenge for players. However, the award for finishing these challenges is a Limitless Award Pack, which contains the same possible contents as a standard pack. Here are the three Limitless Challenges to complete before earning the Award pack:

  • Limitless Triple Threat: A Triple Threat game against three Amethyst Limitless players. First team to 21 points wins.
  • Limitless Threes!: The same as the first challenge. This time, though, against Diamond players instead of Amethyst. You also need to make 5 three-pointers as a player en route to this victory.
  • Limitless: A standard five-on-five game against a lineup of the best players in the Limitless collection, headlined by Diamond Steph Curry and Diamond Dominque Wilkins. However, it isn’t necessary to win the game. Simply score 30 points and you’ve completed the challenge.

NBA 2K’s Pick-Up Challenge

Another category of challenge is the pick-up challenge. This is a standard, 5-on-5 game on semi-pro difficulty. There’s a new reward to earn each day. It can be good for a quick way to earn some MT, but your time is almost always better spent in other challenges or even a totally different MyTeam mode.

NBA 2K23 MyTeam Challenges: Spotlight Challenge

Making up the bulk of the currently available challenges are the Spotlight Challenges. These challenges each highlight one of the award players earned by leveling up in Season 1 of MyTeam. These challenges increase in challenge as they go. In addition, most will require you to use the player in the spotlight. Because of this, these challenges will be available all throughout Season 1. Take your time making your way through them and earning rewards. Complete all of these challenges to earn 50 tokens, with plenty of other great rewards along the way.

Activity Challenge – NBA 2K23 Week 1

This week’s Spotlight Challenge pits your MyTeam against the Chicago Bulls team from Michael Jordan’s rookie season. Luckily, this is pre-Scottie Pippen in Chicago, so you shouldn’t have much trouble disposing of this team. The only real threat is Michael himself, who is a 91 overall in this challenge. Double team him and getting the win shouldn’t be a problem.

The other goal you have is to score more than 50 points. Depending on if you get a head start with promotional packs from pre-ordering or special editions, this facet of the challenge can be a bit harder. The best way to score in this challenge will be to get the ball in the paint and back down the defense. Jordan can put up a bit of a fight on the perimeter, but most of the interior defense you’ll encounter are pushovers.

As a reward for completing this challenge, you’ll get a Jordan Activity Challenge Award Pack. This pack contains helpful consumables, like shoe boosts that can be up to diamond. With these boosts being the reward, it’s definitely worth it to do this challenge

Weekly NBA 2K23 Challenges: Signature Challenge

Another MyTeam challenge centered around Michael Jordan, this one has a much harder opposition. A 96 overall team made of Jordan’s all-time starting five, legends like Magic Johnson and Hakeem Olajuwon will be your opponents. Especially early on in MyTeam, this team can pose a huge challenge.

If you have high overall Free Agent cards, whether from season agenda or the 2K23 pre-order bonuses, this is the time to use them. A rim protector like David Robinson will help your chances exponentially. Many of Jordan’s teammates rely on scoring in the paint. Keeping the interior strong will be your best chance to combat the onslaught from these Hall of Famers. Inversely, this is your best advantage. The starting five are the only members of the squad. Get them worn down in the first half, then use their low energy to push your own advantage in the paint. Complete this tough challenge and earn the Michael Jordan Signature Challenge Pack, with a Diamond Jordan Shoe, consumables, and a Hall of Fame Badge. After completing all of these challenges, you should have a formidable team ready to take on your friends or any online rivals!

Real Life Cerebro Keeps Track of Bryan Singer at All Times

Posted on by Naomi Krause

LOS ANGELES — A real life version of the Cerebro computer from the X-Men comic books and films has been revealed to the public, one that keeps track of problematic film director Bryan Singer at all times, sources have confirmed. 

“We wanted to see what this monster was up at every moment, so we stole a page out of the comic books and developed this tracker that can see where he is at any time,” said engineer Joseph Wendt, of the director who was fired from his most recent movie, 2018’s Bohemian Rhapsody. “I mean, most of the time he’s just at his house trying to get young actors to come over and give him a massage, but once in a while he ventures out in public, so obviously it’s best that we keep an eye on him.” 

The device is modeled after one the Charles Xavier character uses in the Marvel Comics to telepathically monitor and communicate with young teenagers reckoning with their newfound mutant powers. 

“That’s so cool that there’s a real Cerebro,” said Norm Thornton, a longtime comic book fan who was shocked to hear of the device’s existence. “I mean, it really sucks that there’s no such thing as superpowers but that there is definitely such a thing as connected Hollywood directors that prove themselves to be sexual deviants yet continue to work for years, so I totally understand why it’s a little different than in the comic books. I think it’s awesome.” 

Singer, who helmed several X-Men films before mounting allegations of sexual harassment and abuse led to him getting removed from the projects, hasn’t been doing very much in the public eye lately. 

“He’s been laying low, and that’s what scares me,” said Janet Aaron, a fellow engineer who has spent 20 hours a day in the Cerebro, keeping an eye on Bryan Singer. “He’s had sexual misconduct allegations as far back as when he made the movie Apt Pupil in 1997. He flew under the radar for decades, again, despite a lawsuit about him being a pervert like every couple of years, and we can’t make that mistake again. So we developed Cerebro. Magneto isn’t real, and the Juggernaut isn’t real, but sadly Bryan Singer is, and we have to keep an eye on a mind that twisted and evil.” 

As of press time, Kevin Spacey had broken into the lab and stolen the Cerebro machine, with many local citizens fearing he’s joined forces with Bryan Singer.

Couple Trying to Get Pregnant Holds Down B-Button Every Time They Cum

Posted on by Naomi Krause

VINITA, Okla. — A superstitious couple trying to get pregnant have reportedly brought a controller into the bedroom so that they can hold B during climaxes in an attempt to increase the odds of fertility, horrified sources close to them have confirmed. 

“Oh man, why would they try that, and why would they be telling us about this?” asked Anthony Plotch, a friend of the couple. “First of all, that doesn’t work, that’s just an old Pokémon myth everyone believed was true at some point in their lives. It didn’t actually even increase your chances of catching the Pokémon! I mean, come on. Wouldn’t it be commonly passed around information if that was all you had to do to grow your family? Let’s get real. Also, why would just pressing some button have some sort of bearing on what happens inside their genitals? These two are the true Game Freaks.” 

“What they should be trying to do is the cloning glitch,” Plotch said. “That shit worked for real.”

Despite the pleas from friends and family members, the couple has insisted that they will continue the practice. 

“Okay, we don’t know if it works, but nobody is saying it hurts our chances,” said Jason Carter, of he and wife Ruth’s lovemaking ritual which includes bringing a vintage Game Boy into the action so that one or both are able to hold the B button down whilst the unprotected sex act is culminated. “We both just grew up thinking that was the way it’s done, so that’s the way we’re gonna do it. You don’t see me telling people how to get pregnant or use their Game Boys, so maybe get off of my case.” 

At press time, the couple was reportedly scared after using a series of glitches to try to improve the chances of pregnancy due to the possibility of birthing Missingno.

NBA 2K23 Pre Order Bonus: How To Claim & Where To Use It

Posted on by Parker Johnson

Released on September 9, NBA 2K23 is the latest entry in the storied NBA 2K franchise. The premier NBA simulation game has many popular modes. These include MyCareer, MyTeam, and the returning fan-favorite Jordan Challenge.

The 2K Franchise commonly has pre-order bonuses, and this year’s entry is no different. These bonuses range from MyTeam points to the game’s main source of currency, Virtual Currency (VC). Here is how to claim your bonuses, and the best ways to use them.

How to Claim NBA 2K23 Pre-Order Bonuses

How you claim your pre-order bonuses for NBA 2K23 will depend on your format. If you buy digital, the claiming process is easy. Simply log in to (or create) your NBA 2K account when you log in and connect to the game’s servers. Then, the rewards should appear within 24 hours.

For physical versions of the game, the process will be a little bit more involved. This process may vary across retailers. However, for the most part, you will have a code in your email for your bonus content. If it isn’t there, check your form of receipt if it was picked up in store. In nearly all cases, your bonus content will be waiting in code form in one of these locations.

NBA 2K23 Pre-Order Content: MyCareer

Most of the new content that comes as a pre-order bonus will be geared towards MyCareer players. The Devin Booker MyPlayer jersey is one of the main parts of this pre-order package. No stat bonuses come with this jersey, so sporting it is only a matter of whether you’re a Devin Booker fan or not.

On the other hand, two other big bonuses are available for MyCareer players. One of these is a stat boost for every MyCareer skill type. In addition to these boosts, there are additional Gatorade boosts in store for players. These are great ways to get ahead in MyCareer. These boosts are probably best used in early career games to accelerate performance to earn more VC. This VC can be spent to upgrade your MyPlayer, so faster growth will be a huge help.

MyTeam Bonuses: NBA 2K23 Pre-Order

The other half of the new 2K game’s pre-order bonuses is MyTeam. First of these bonuses is 5,000 MyTeam points. Unfortunately, these points don’t get you far in the MyTeam economy. It is, at least, a welcome start to a pile of points.

Next is 10 MyTeam promo packs. These packs contain useful player cards and consumables. One thing to note, though, is that these packs are delivered once a week, across the first 10 weeks of the game’s lifespan. These are still useful packs, but don’t expect these to give you an immediate edge. In addition to these packs, you also get a 95-rated Devin Booker Free Agent card. This can be used to give you an immediate advantage, but be aware that you can only use him for five games.

The final pre-order bonus is 5,000 VC. The Virtual Currency can be used across any mode. Use this in whichever mode that you feel you put the most time into!

While the game hasn’t been out long, NBA 2K23 has gotten positive reception compared to its predecessors. Some well-recieved changes are giving some fans revived interest in the franchise. Even if you weren’t one who pre-ordered, NBA 2K23 is now available for purchase on all current and last-gen platforms.

Everything You Need to Know About Splatoon 3

Posted on by Alicia Haddick

Splatoon 3 is here, and with it the opportunity for players around the world to jump into the latest entry in Nintendo’s unique Switch-exclusive multiplayer team-based third-person shooter. It’s a series that’s earned notoriety for its unique blend of cool and family-friendly team battles between Inklings with a love of flinging paint and a desire to wear the coolest street fashion they can find.

Since the game’s humble origins during Nintendo’s lulls of the Wii U era the franchise has grown to become one of Nintendo’s biggest titles, with new releases being practically an event at home in Japan and a much-anticipated experience for fans around the world. Something about its unique blend of action with a healthy dose of style points has really resonated with people, and for good reason!

Nowhere is this more apparent than in the company’s home country of Japan. Beyond the Nintendo Switch itself being sold out everywhere, you have everything from Splatoon plushies to Splatoon curry, and any collaboration you can think of in between. This release feels like an event.

Still, if you’re someone whose knowledge of this Nintendo franchise starts and ends with the image of squid kids spraying ink at one another and want to know more, or just someone wanting to understand everything new with this latest entry in the series, here’s everything you need to know to jump into the Big N’s next hit game.

What is Splatoon 3?

Splatoon is Nintendo’s take on the third-person team shooter. After the first game’s release as a major hit on the underperforming Wii U in 2015, the game appealed to audiences thanks to its unique paint mechanics that tasked players with painting the arena in their team’s color in order to gain control over the map, rather than simply killing your enemies. Following Splatoon 2’s launch in 2017, Splatoon 3 is the latest game in this franchise.

Players take control of squid-kid hybrid characters known as Inklings and Octolings and play in matches known as Turf War. The unique squid-like characteristics of these characters allow them the ability to swim through their own paint, turning your team’s coverage over the map into an additional method of traversing the maps.

The aim of the game’s signature mode, Turf War, is to be the team to cover the most ground within a variety of contained arena within a short 3-minute time limit. Whichever team covers the most ground within the time limit is the winner.

In Splatoon 3, these battles are taking place in the remote desert-like setting of the Splatlands, where Inklings and Octolings take part in paint battles in the ruins that exist outside of the city. The Splatlands also act as a hub world where you can learn about what stages are available to play online against other players, as well as buy weapons and clothing containing unique abilities that allow you to customize your Inkling or Octoling avatar and gain an advantage in online play.

What multiplayer modes are available in Splatoon 3?

There are a total of five different online multiplayer modes in Splatoon 3. One of these modes is available to all players, while the other four modes are only accessible in online ranked play.

Turf War is the mode available to everyone, and is also the mode used in Splatfests. In this mode, two teams of four players will face against one another in a three-minute match where the goal is to cover more ground within the arena with your colored ink within the time limit.

Beyond Turf War are four different objective-based modes that are played in Ranked Mode. The first of these is Rainmaker. In this mode, the aim of the game is to take possession of a special weapon known as the Rainmaker and, after bringing the weapon to each checkpoint situated around the map, carry the weapon to the goal in your opponent’s area to win the match. In order to succeed, players must work together in order to protect the player with the Rainmaker and make effective use of the Rainmaker’s unique offensive capabilities in order to carry the weapon to the goal.

In Splat Zones, there are one or two active zones in the middle of the map, and the aim of the game is for one team to take control of all available zones and protect them until their points count down from 100 to 0. The winner is the team who brings their points to 0, or, if no team is able to do so within five minutes, the winner will be the team with the fewest points.

Tower Control in Splatoon 3 requires teams to take control over a moving tower and ride this tower in order to take it along a set path through your oppenent’s area in order to reach the finish line. The aim is for each team to protect the Tower while their team is riding it in order to transport this tower along the guided track to the end within five minutes. If neither team is successful at this, the team to transport the tower furthest wins.

Finally, in Clam Blitz, the aim is for each team to collect various clams strewn across the map until they collect eight. At this point, your clams turn into a football which can then be fired at your oppenent’s goal in order to break their net. After their net is broken it is possible for your team to throw single clams into your opponent’s goal to score points for a limited team, removing three points off the 100 points each team starts the game with for each clam. The winner is the first team to reach zero or the team with the lowest score at the end of five minutes.

What are Splatfests?

Splatfests are limited-time events taking place at regular intervals within Splatoon 3. During a Splatfest, a theme will be chosen based on a question. Players will then be asked to vote on their answer which will determine which team they fight for, after which they will have 24 hours to earn as many points as possible for their team in Turf War matches against other teams. At the end of the Splatfest votes and match results will be tallied to determine a winner.

New to Splatoon 3, at the halfway point, an update will be released informing players of the current win percentages for each team as all-new three-way battles are introduced. In these battles, a full team of four members of the currently-leading team will face off against two members from each of the other teams in a 1v2 match for Turf War control.

Don’t miss out on this unique limited-time mode offering a fun twist on traditional Turf War gameplay.

How many multiplayer stages are available in Splatoon 3?

At launch, 12 stages will be available to players in each mode in Splatoon 3. Nintendo has promised the game will receive regular updates for at least 2 years, during which time new stages, weapons and more will be added to the game to increase this roster even further.

The following 12 stages will be available in the game at launch:

Museum d’Alfonsino
Hammerhead Bridge
Mahi-Mahi Resort
Inkblot Art Academy
Sturgeon Shipyard
Makomart
Wahoo World
Scorch Gorge
Eeltail Alley
Mincemeat Metalworks
Undertow Spillway
Hagglefish Market

Is There a Single-player Campaign

Alongside the game’s signature multiplayer modes, Splatoon 3 also boasts a robust single-player campaign with a unique story centered around the lore of the world of Inkopolis and the Splatlands. This follows on from the story of previous titles, and also serves as a training ground for players to practice techniques which will be useful knowledge for competing against real-world opponents in Splatoon multiplayer matches.

What is Salmon Run?

Although Splatoon 3 is a primarily-competitive multiplayer game, Salmon Run is a co-operative online multiplayer mode where players work together against waves of enemies in order to collect enough eggs within the time limit to complete each of the mode’s three stages. Eggs can be collected by defeating special powerful enemies called Salmonids who will aim to attack the player, and these eggs must be taken back to the basket at the center of the map in order to collect it.

If a player is defeated by a Salmonid, it is possible for other players to revive their teammates by shooting ink onto them. If all players are defeated or not enough eggs are collected within the time limit, your team will fail the run.

How do you use Splatnet 3 for Splatoon 3?

Splatnet 3 is a special service offered within the Nintendo Switch Online mobile application that allows players to track their match statistics, buy exclusive clothing for their characters, edit your Freshest Fits, take part in an exclusive minigame to earn exclusive items and more. For those who like to view match stats, photos and friend activity on the move, Splatnet 3 is a useful application that extends the game’s competitive strategy beyond the Switch itself.

Will Splatoon 3 Receive Regular Updates?

Following Splatoon 3’s release on September 9th, Nintendo have committed to at least 2 years of regular free content and a major paid DLC expansion pack. This new content includes new stages, weapons, clothes, and balance patches for various weapons to respond to player feedback.

This should ensure that, no matter when or for how long you play Splatoon 3, the game will always stay fresh!

Who are the Splatoon 3 idols?

Splatoon 3 introduces us to a new idol trio named Deep Cut, who act as your helpful musical introduction into the Splatlands. Each entry in the Splatoon franchise has their own idols who will perform some of the songs you hear in-game and host news shows explaining stage information and updates for the game.

Deep Cut are a three-member ensemble made up of Shiver, Frye and the incredible Big Man, and take the reigns from Callie and Marie, the Squid Sisters featured in Splatoon 1, and Pearl and Marina, better known as Off the Hook from Splatoon 1.

How Much will Splatoon 3 Cost?

Splatoon 3 will launch in the US for $59.99 on retail platforms and the Nintendo eShop. In the UK, the game will launch for £49.99, and those buying the game from Nintendo eShop can receive double Gold Points until September 30th.

Splatoon 3 release date?

Splatoon 3 will launch worldwide on Nintendo Switch on September 9th on both the Nintendo eShop and retail stores. Digital copies in the US will be available from midnight ET and 9pm on September 8th PT.

Is Splatoon 3 Worth Buying?

Splatoon 3 is a multiplayer experience that, for all it takes inspiration from other popular objective-based third-person team shooters, offers something that has yet to be replicated by other developers or on non-Nintendo platforms. It’s a game whose iconic Inklings and centering of street fashion and teen culture amidst its world offers the title a sense of relatability where players can transform these avatars into representations of their personality.

Yet even beyond this customization is a fun gameplay loop where player traversal through your team’s ink is just as important as having a good shot or being able to shoot your opponent. This reduced emphasis on offense where players can still contribute to a match by painting the world both makes this title more accessible than other similar titles while introducing new levels of strategy in higher-level play not found elsewhere.

So,  Should I buy Splatoon 3?

Ultimately, the versatility of Splatoon 3 to become either a person’s first multiplayer shooter experience or a fun twist on a familiar play style, wrapped in a polished exterior that successfully draws players into its world and characters, is the title’s biggest strength. It’s an easy game to learn yet difficult to master, offering hundreds of hours of replayability as you try new weapons and slowly improve at the skills needed to reach the highest levels of Ranked play and earn the coveted X Rank. This is a must-buy for those looking for a fun shooter to play with friends or compete against strangers online, and an experience unlike few others.

Clever Ninja Warrior Contestant Wins Instantly After Finding Trophy Hidden to the Left of Starting Area

Posted on by Kyle Erf

LOS ANGELES — A contestant on the popular athletic obstacle course based game show American Ninja Warrior has cleverly subverted the conventional race route and achieved victory by finding a trophy hidden over to the side of the starting area, sources have confirmed. 

“We always wondered if anyone would find that thing,” said Jay Hunter, one of the show’s directors. “There are actually a couple more Easter Eggs and secrets hidden around the course, including a shortcut that would truly blow people’s minds, but I’ve probably said too much already. Congratulations to Kate McHenry for finding the hidden trophy and setting a new all time record for this course at 2.7 seconds.” 

McHenry was beside herself after realizing her discovery meant she’d get to move onto the next round of the competition. 

“Wait, so that’s all I had to do?” she asked. “I wasn’t even really looking for secrets, I just noticed my shoe was untied, and as much as I hated to take the time to tie it, I certainly didn’t want any accidents. So while I was down there I noticed a shine out of the corner of my eye, and I looked, and there was this shimmering trophy just sort of floating there. I’ve never seen anything like it. It burned my hand when I touched it, but I guess it was worth it if you are serious that I’ve won the competition?” 

Many fans of the show were disappointed with what they felt was an underwhelming episode with unfair results. 

“Where’s the skill in finding some random bullshit?” asked Jordan Miller, who’s been watching the show since its 2009 premiere. “If they’re going to allow this shit they should really start running two different divisions. They can have contestants do it straight up, and then do this weird trophy-assisted bullshit. That’s not athleticism, that’s just finding some knickknack they put over there for some reason.” 

As of press time, McHenry’s feat reportedly overshadowed fellow contestant Linda Jensen’s remarkable time of 12.9 seconds, which she achieved after successfully shifting through several walls.

Extended Version of Jurassic World: Dominion Released on Unsuspecting Public

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Sources worldwide have confirmed that Universal Pictures has released an extended version of Jurassic World: Dominion on an unsuspected public. 

“Oh god, it was just on there this morning,” said Rose Easterling, a mother who was horrified to learn of the longer cut’s accessibility. “I don’t even pay for Peacock, it’s bundled in with my internet. And now to think that one of my children could accidentally put on an even longer version of that awful sequel? Oh Christ. Just hold your loved ones tight everyone, that’s all I can say.” 

The movie was criticized for its lack of creativity and squandering of the intriguing premise established at the end of 2018’s Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. 

“These Jurassic World movies have been bland as hell, but the last one ended with all hell breaking loose, so this one seemed like it would at least be fun-bad, like when the T-Rex terrorizes San Diego in The Lost World,” said film critic Alan Matthews. “But no, it was just another bland Jurassic World movie, this time it was a legacy sequel, so they trot out some characters from your childhood. Oh, and they literally timeskip over the part where hell is breaking loose. Don’t worry though, there’s a ton of really good locust stuff in there. I can’t believe they’d put out an even longer version of it. So irresponsible.” 

Even principal members of the cast voiced displeasure with the thoughtless release of the 160-minute version of the film. 

“I knew it was a bad idea from the moment they brought me in to have lunch and discuss it,” said Jeff Goldblum, who reprised his role from the original Jurassic Park along with several other key cast members. “I warned against the release of this extended cut, and the lack of consideration for the audience that’s being displayed here, uh, staggers me. The problem is they were so preoccupied with whether or not they could do it, they didn’t stop to think if they should [release this version of Jurassic World: Dominion].”

“Also, I saw it, and that is one big pile of shit,” he added. 

As of press time, viewers had confirmed that most of the additional 14 minutes added to the film were Chris Pratt putting his hands up in the air with a concerned look on his face.  

Best Survivor Dead by Daylight Perks (September 2022)

Posted on by Amy Eastland

Game-changing perks ahead!

Surviving in BHVR’s Dead by Daylight is incredibly fun and at times, very difficult. With the latest changes made by BHVR, it has made it that much harder. Perks that were once the most crucial part of a Survivor build are now sadly redundant. Players now need to learn how to make brand new set-ups with new perks that they may have never used before. It can be very daunting.

In this guide, we will explain what the best perks are to use on Survivor right now through the meta changes. This is your guide to success. 

Boon: Circle of Healing

This is a fantastic perk. Boon: Circle of Healing allows you to cleanse a dull totem or a hex totem and create a boon totem. When in this aura, it increases all healing speeds by up to 50%. It also unlocks self-care for all Survivors, allowing them to heal without a med-kit or the perk equipped at 50% of the healing speed.  

Sprint Burst

Sprint burst is a great perk if you are in a high speed chase, especially when the killer just happens to pop up from nowhere. As soon as you start running, you break into a sprint of 150% for up to 3 seconds. Once this is over, you are then Exhausted for downwards of 40 seconds. 

Prove Thyself

Prove Thyself is a really useful perk if you want to co-operate with your team and slam the generators. It increases your repair speed by 15% for each Survivor within 4 metres of you up to a maximum of 45%. The best thing about this perk is that even if there is no space left for you on the generator, you can stand next to the other Survivors to boost their speed. 

It also gives you extra bloodpoints for co-operative actions. A great perk, one worth taking no matter the situation you are in.

Dead Hard

Dead Hard can be a difficult perk to use and is one you’ll have to work with to get used to. However, once you’ve learnt how to get it going, it’ll work wonders. Dead Hard allows you to avoid damage once you activate the perk. It triggers Endurance for 0.5 seconds. Once used, you are then Exhausted for 60 to 40 seconds. It’s a great perk, but one that has to be used wisely!

Off The Record

Off The Record is one of the strongest Survivor perks out there. It gives you a mix of status effects for 80 seconds and you’re definitely going to want to use them. After being unhooked, Off The Record is activated for up to 80 seconds. In this time, your aura is suppressed for the Killer, meaning they cannot read you in this time. Your grunts of pain are also suppressed when injured. You are also given Endurance for 80 seconds. Off The Record is deactivated once the exit gates are powered, so keep this in mind. 

It’s a really strong perk and one you’re definitely going to want to take for survival purposes. 

These are some of the strongest Survivor perks right now in Dead by Daylight. BHVR have made a lot of changes to the meta, so who knows how long these will hold up in-game, but for now, they are some of the best you can use to get ahead of the Killer. Best of luck in the Fog.