Fans Beginning to Worry That 48-Hour Stream of Catatonic Jerma in Hospital Bed Isn’t a Bit

LAS VEGAS — YouTube personality and Twitch streamer Jeremy Elbertson, known by his online persona ‘Jerma,’ began to worry fans Wednesday, causing them to believe his 48-hour stream of his catatonic body in a hospital bed might not be a bit.

“This is classic Jerma…right?” began sweating Jerma985 fan Craig Mayhew. “This is totally something he’d do. A funny, elaborate avant-garde stream? But also, he hasn’t moved in hours, and those EKG beeps sound incredibly real. You’d first think that there’s no way that he could stay motionless for two full days, so it must be real. But Jerma would. Next you’d think if he was actually dying, he would never livestream it, so it must be fake. But Jerma would.”

Even moderators were dubious of the stream’s legitimacy.

“It all started really funny, with us making comments about his ‘dump truck ass’ in his hospital gown,” reported Twitch moderator Evan Cherry. “But later, when our donation messages would be met with a lifeless, glassy-eyed stare for hours on end, it stopped being funny. Whether or not this is real, it’s by far Jerma’s masterpiece.”

Fellow streamer and Jerma collaborator Ludwig Ahgren commented on his friend’s condition.

“I received a message from Jerma’s estate requesting me to come to the hospital and visit him,” Ahgren said. “Apparently there are stipulations in his will that require me to serve as a male orderly on his stream, feeding him and changing him. Whether this is a touching tribute to our friendship, or an ironic streaming bit remains to be seen.”

At press time, fans became increasingly concerned when a sudden poll came up on stream, allowing the Twitch chat to vote whether or not Jerma be administered his lifesaving dialysis treatment.

Guy With +10 Luck Thinks He Has Incredible Charisma

NEW YORK — A local man with maxed-out luck assumes he must possess very high charisma, but that belief is mistaken, sources confirm. 

“Yeah, I’m pretty good at charming people into doing what I want and giving me stuff. Like my boss — he’s already promoted me twice and gave me a huge bonus, even though I just started this year. Honestly, I’m still not even sure what my job is,” said Jeff Vermeer, 27, an associate at the law firm Vermeer, Vermeer & Vermeer. “Guess he just really likes me.”

Vermeer claimed his strong communication skills have made up for weaknesses in other areas, including intelligence and strength.

“I had pretty bad grades in high school, and I didn’t play sports, but I still got into Yale by really nailing my interview with the alumni director, who happened to go there with my dad. I talked to him for like five minutes before he said I was a ‘fine young man’ who would ‘fit in great’ on campus,” Vermeer said, reaching down to pick up a $100 bill he spotted on the sidewalk. “Guess that guy was no match for my trademark charisma.”

Others disagreed with Vermeer’s assessment, like Katie Bingham, who went on a very brief Tinder date with him last month.

“I was just looking for something casual, so I figured why not—I mean, the guy is 6’8” with piercing eyes, great hair, and one of the best jawlines I’ve ever seen,” said Bingham, who has not spoken to him since. “I ended up fake laughing at his awful jokes for like 30 minutes until I decided it wasn’t worth it and went home. Dude is lucky he looks like that.”

Vermeer was last seen at Starbucks trying to talk down the price of a latte, which to his surprise did not work at all.

Nintendo Direct Roundup: September 13, 2022

On this day, September 13, 2022, a 42-minute Nintendo Direct took place. Nintendo Directs are always a big deal for Nintendo fans. The company uses this format to announce their biggest surprises, as well as a lot of small surprises that underwhelm fans hoping for a big one. Here’s the lowdown.

The September Nintendo Direct opened with every Nintendo fan’s favorite series: Fire Emblem. The trailer revealed the first gameplay of “the toothpaste man,” called so by fans due to his red-and-blue toothpaste-stripe hair color first seen in leaked screenshots. It seems those leaks were the real deal. The game is called Fire Emblem Engage, releasing 1/20/23. It looks like traditional Fire Emblem tactical warfare, with a special mechanic: The heroes can perform a fusion dance with old characters from the series to borrow their powers.

September 13 Nintendo Direct: Headlines

Next was a round of headlines:

  • It Takes Two. First released last year, this co-op platformer is coming to Switch on November 4th. The game centers around a feuding husband and wife who turn into dolls instead of going to therapy.
  • Fatal Frame: Mask of the Lunar Eclipse. First released on the Wii in 2008, the game is coming to Switch in 2023 for the first time in English. Fatal Frame is an old-school horror series about fighting ghosts with an exorcising camera, like a spooky Pokemon Snap.
  • Xenoblade Chronicles 3 Expansion Pass Volume 2. Features Ino, a new robogirl hero with an incredibly shrill voice. Also adds Challenge Battles, which are probably battles that are especially challenging. Launches October 13th, with two more Volumes to come.
  • SpongeBob SquarePants: The Cosmic Shake. This was a known thing, but it now has a release window of 2023. The trailer boasts seven worlds, over 30 costumes, and the original voice cast. SpongeBob platformers seem to have been doing well lately.
  • Fitness Boxing Fist of the North Star. Kenshiro and friends lead a fitness program as they pummel enemies. Honestly not a bad crossover, as long as players maintain the proper form. Punching at Fist of the North Star speeds is inadvisable without some stretching and warm-ups first.
  • OddBallers. Looks like a wacky multiplayer brawler in the vein of Gang Beasts. Launches early next year.
  • Tunic. This clearly Zelda-inspired game looks beautiful and got rave reviews when it released on Xbox in March. The Switch seems like a natural home for it, but it did look like the framerates weren’t as good as they’re supposed to be.
  • Front Mission Remakes. We knew about the first and second games, but there was some more info about new content coming to the stylish re-imagining, as well as confirmation of a remake of the thrid game as well.
  • Story of Seasons: A Wonderful Life. This appears to be a remake of the Gamecube game of the same subtitle, then called Harvest Moon. It releases Summer 2023, twenty years after its original form. It’s always nice to see old classics reborn like this, if done well.

Next on the September Nintendo Direct schedule, they announced the first Splatfest for Splatoon 3. These are contests in which players choose a team, then earn points over a series of intense battles. This time, the teams are based on the question “what would you take to a deserted island”: Gear, Grub, or Fun. It’s not likely that anyone who chooses “Fun” will automatically die in battle, as they would on the deserted island, but it would be fitting. The Splatfest will run from the 23rd to the 25th of this month.

Then, a major announcement: Octopath Traveler 2. The original Octopath, released on Switch in 2018, was a big beautiful HD-2D RPG, but it had a couple flaws. Although the eight new characters have the same classes as the cast of the first game, the setting is dramatically different. It went from a fairly standard medieval setting to a more modern one, including both samurai and cowboys – a major upgrade. A sequel to such a massive game is an ambitious undertaking, and it will be interesting to see how it turns out. Releases 2/24/23.

The second round of September Nintendo Direct headlines:

  • Fae Farm. It feels like these farming sims are becoming more common recently. Everyone just wants to abandon modern society and grow crops. Anyway, this is one of those, but it’s multiplayer and you have fairy powers. Releases Spring 2023.
  • Theatrhythm: Final Bar Line. A musical romp through all the Final Fantasies. Those chibi versions of the heroes look pretty weird, though. It releases 2/16/23, and it’ll get DLC tracks from other big Square games as well: SaGa, NieR, Octopath Traveler, even Live A Live!
  • Mario + Rabbids Sparks of Hope. We knew about this, so there’s not much to say. The trailer has a little extra footage and info. Game releases October 20. It’s odd they didn’t mention the recently announced post-launch Rayman DLC – for some people, that would be the selling point.
  • Rune Factory 3 Special. Originally for DS in 2008, now on Switch. Features include farming and transforming into a furry. The voice-over man adds, “Plus, a brand new mode has been added to help you enjoy more quality time with your in-game spouse.” The odds of hardcore sex scenes being added to Nintendo games are low… but never zero.
  • A new Rune Factory “series” is also teased. See what I mean about those farming sims?

Next, a round of N64 titles added to the maybe-slightly-overpriced Nintendo Switch Online Plus.

  • Pilotwings 64
  • Mario Party 1, 2, and 3
  • Pokemon Stadium 1 and 2
  • 1080 Snowboarding
  • Excitebike 64
  • Goldeneye 007

Holy crap, Goldeneye. That’s a big one: a well-loved multiplayer shooter that required Nintendo to get the license for James Bond’s license (to kill). They’re adding online gameplay as well. All these games are planned to launch over the next several months.

Some more titles from the September Nintendo Direct:

  • Various Daylife. “Perform over 100 types of daily tasks to build character.” This is somehow even more depressing than the farming sim rush, but at a glance it looks like a decent RPG. Releases today!
  • Factorio. The definitive engineering sim on Switch is a moderately big deal. Check reviews before buying, though: sometimes Switch ports have weird performance issues. Launches October 28th.
  • Ib. Another port, a “horror exploration game”. Looks very indie, which is a good thing. Releases Spring 2023.
  • A free update to Mario Strikers: Battle League. New characters Pauline (finally) and Diddy Kong, and a new stadium. This game got a lot of flak at launch because of its light roster, so hopefully this will make up for it a little.
  • Atelier Ryza 3: Alchemist of the End & the Secret Key. The niche Atelier series seems to be doing well on Switch, if this new title is any indication. Launches 2/24/23.
  • Two tracks announced for Wave 3 of the Mario Kart 8 Deluxe Booster Course Pass: Merry Mountain from Mario Kart Tour, and Peach Gardens from Mario Kart DS. Nothing as important as Waluigi Pinball from Wave 2, but it’s nice to know what’s coming up. Available this holiday.
  • A free update to Switch Sports. It’s golf, featuring courses from the ever-popular Wii Sports series. Includes something called “Survival Golf” which is an online mode that eliminates the worst-performing golfers. Where we puttin’, boys? Releasing Holiday 2022, delayed a little from its initial announcement.

Suddenly, a special guest arrives: Miyamoto! He talked about the Mario Movie and Super Nintendo Land, but that’s meatspace stuff so I zoned out.

“I’d like to talk a little bit about Pikmin,” he says. Wait, what!?

False alarm: he just wanted to explain how the mobile game Pikmin Bloom works. I guess no one is playing it and it’s making him sad.

False false alarm! He just officially announced Pikmin 4, releasing next year! No gameplay yet, but this will have to do for now… but it’s worth remembering that the last time Miyamoto said Pikmin 4 was almost finished was seven years ago.

Last round of game announcements in the September Nintendo Direct:

  • Just Dance 2023. I assume these games are alright, because they keep getting made. Releases November 22.
  • Harvestella. You guessed it: a farming sim. Less relaxing than the usual farming sims, though, thanks to the “season of death.” We knew about this one, but here’s a little more footage and a demo, releasing today.
  • Bayonetta 3. A short update confirming the game’s release on October 28th, with a new trailer on Nintendo’s YouTube channel.
  • Master Detective Archives: Raincode. From the brilliant (?) minds behind anime murder mystery series, Danganronpa. It seems to continue Danganronpa’s theme of “Phoenix Wright but the mechanics are ridiculous”: the player is seen making logical deductions in the form of a mental minecart ride. Releases Spring 2023.
  • Resident Evil: Cloud Version. The modern Resident Evil series – Seven, Eight, Remake 2 and Remake 3 – is sort of coming to Switch. We’ve heard conflicting reports on the quality of the Kingdom Hearts cloud versions, so take caution before buying. It “releases” October 28, and there’s a free demo if you want to test it now.
  • Sifu. Martial-arts brawler where you age when you lose. Originally released in February, now releasing on Switch today. Well-liked, and worth a look if the port’s okay.
  • Crisis Core: Reunion. A remake of the colorful FFVII spinoff Crisis Core. You can be dead sure that this game will have essential plot details for anyone who wants to understand the story of the various upcoming FFVII remakes. Releases December 13.
  • Radiant Silvergun. Here’s a throwback – this one is a Treasure arcade game from 1998. Launching today.
  • Endless Dungeon. A multiplatform roguelike, releasing next year.
  • Tales of Symphonia Remastered. It’s old – Gamecube-era – but some still claim it’s the best in the Tales Of series. From the trailer, it looks exactly like I remember it. Meaning, it looks like Gamecube graphics. If you can stomach that much, there’s a well-loved, massive action RPG behind it. Releases early 2023.

Then, a quick sizzle reel of games:

  • Life is Strange: Arcadia Bay Collection. Releasing September 27, 2022.
  • Romancing SaGa -Minstrel Song- Remastered. Releasing December 1, 2022.
  • LEGO Bricktales. Fall 2022.
  • Disney Speedstorm. 2022.
  • Fall Guys Season 2. Launching September 15, 2022.

Next to last, they announced Kirby’s Return to Dream Land Deluxe, another Wii game ported to Switch. It first launched in 2011, a solid if basic entry in the series. The Deluxe version will have better multiplayer and a little extra content.

The very last announcement in the September Nintendo Direct is a long-awaited update to The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild 2. It was a short trailer with a little new footage, and an official subtitle reveal: Tears of the Kingdom. Its official release date is now May 12, 2023. There wasn’t much actual gameplay in the trailer to analyze, although I did see a neat glider platform, but the game theorists will be along with their five-hour analyses by tomorrow. Let’s hear it for those guys!

Guess What Mario Fans, We Have Some Exciting Pikmin News!!

Howdy, gamers! If you missed this morning’s Nintendo Direct because you had loved ones to interact with, don’t worry, Hard Drive has you covered. And boy do we have the scoop for you if you were hoping for some updates about the upcoming live action Mario movie: there’s a Pikmin AR game that came out in 2021! Mamma mia! 

Nintendo legend Shigeru Miyamoto himself appeared onscreen earlier today and addressed the upcoming Mario animated film as well as the upcoming Super Nintendo World theme park that will be opening soon in California by abruptly shifting gears to the Pikmin series and really just talking about Pikmin stuff from there. 

“I have so many exciting things to tell you about Pikmin,” he said, appearing to go off-script as footage of what appeared to be Metroid Prime 4 played behind him. “The Pikmin aren’t even restricted to your video game console anymore. There are Pikmin everywhere! Everywhere! They’re all around us. They’re in our bones!” 

As of press time, Chris Pratt and Seth Rogen appeared in character as Mario and Donkey Kong to tease the upcoming Pikmin 4.

Nobody Has Heart to Tell Excited Nintendo Direct Voiceover Guy That Most of the Games He’s Describing Have Been Out for Years

KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo Direct viewers around the world are anxiously tip-toeing around the voiceover guy’s oblivious hype for games everybody played years ago.

“Whoa! Get ready for this!” said the voice-over guy to viewers around the world. “There’s a new Resident Evil game!” 

“It’s just sort of sad” said viewer Jacob Blatt while twiddling his thumbs. “He’s just so ready for us to play It Takes Two and it’s like dude, we all did that over a year ago. It’s like telling a kid that Santa isn’t real; at some point you should break the news but how can you bring yourself to do it? I mean he’s saying ‘enter the world of Resident Evil 8…if you dare!’ and it’s like yeah, I did dare. In May, 2021.”

As of press time, Voiceover Guy was getting super stoked for some shit that came out in 2003.

Just Dance 2023 Edition to Include Cybergoths-Under-the-Bridge Level

KYOTO, Japan — Today’s Nintendo Direct included confirmation of a long requested level coming to the 2023 Edition of Just Dance for the Nintendo Switch: the Cybergoth Dance party from the YouTube video.

“Oh shit, they did it,” said Dustin Malone, a longtime fan of the series. “I’ve been hoping they would do something fun like this to shake things up. Standing around under a bridge shadowboxing in broad daylight is probably the best location they’ve had in one of these rhythm games yet. And the best part is that literally any song kind of goes with it.” 

As of press time, Ubisoft had confirmed that if you don’t feel like dancing you can just kinda stand around and smoke cigarettes, if you want.

New Nintendo Direct Entirely Stardew Valley Rip-Offs

TOKYO — The newest Nintendo Direct revealed 40 minutes of rip-offs of the game Stardew Valley, according to those familiar with the situation.

“You fuckers like farming, right?” said a monotone English voice over the Nintendo CEO Shuntaro Furukawa speaking Japanese. “Well here’s a whole bunch of games that are just What If Stardew Valley Was in Ugly 3D. Some of them are new, some of them are old, but all of them have a thing where you can go into a cave and fight goblins. And if you’re still on the fence about buying it, boom: here’s some fishing. Try not putting 250 hours into that, asshole. The first Harvest Moon was on Super Nintendo so that Ape guy should be Concerned about ripping us off, if anything.”

Nintendo fans were conflicted about the announcement.

“That was a cool Direct,” said one fan. “I’m most excited for Fae Farm, Story of Seasons: A Wonderful Life, Rune Factory 3: Special, Mario Farm, FarmGo, Nintendo Farming Sports, Breath of the Harvest 2, and that one game that looked like Stardew Valley. Wait, that was a few of them, actually.”

“I really just wanted to see a clip of the new Mario movie,” said another fan. “I didn’t need to see 3 minutes of Chris Pratt silently farming.”

At press time, Furukawa admitted that the reason behind all the games was that his grandfather had just passed away and left him a large farm in a quiet little town in his will, but he was unsure of how to get started.

Velma MultiVersus Guide: Moves, Strategy, And Techniques

This old-school nerd was a bizarre addition to the MultiVersus cast of fighters, but she ends up being able to tangle with the best of them. In the first-ever MultiVersus tournament at EVO, Velma was the most-used character among the top 8 finalist teams. Of course that means she’s been nerfed since then, but she can still compete. Velma’s best moves are intimidating, but also unusual. Trying to play her as a regular fighter simply won’t work. Instead, get a clue by checking out this Velma MultiVersus Guide.

Velma MultiVersus Guide: Moveset Overview

Velma is classified as a “support” character, but don’t be fooled. All of the support characters in MultiVersus are capable of dishing out tons of pain. Velma’s best moves tend to be long-reaching projectiles, allowing her to easily engage the enemy from the back line. She also has several reliable melee attacks for the inevitable hand-to-hand combat. Several of Velma’s attacks spawn evidence, a collectible object that I’ll explain later. For the first section of the Velma MultiVersus guide, here’s an overview of her moves.

  • Neutral Ground Attack: Most characters have a heavy, charged melee attack for their neutral. Not so for Velma. Instead, she shouts a fast-moving projectile that tracks her ally. If it connects, and it usually does, the ally becomes marked. If someone’s marked, this attack changes. Pressing the button again will send out a speedy word bubble projectile that follows the marked target. If this hits your ally, it rebounds forward. It’s like making your ally throw a free projectile, which also applies a weakness debuff. There’s a lot going on with this attack. It has a low ammo count, so Velma has to wait a while in between sets of shots. The initial tracking shot can hit an enemy if they’re in between you and your ally, which lets you follow up with homing projectiles, but it can also get caught on the floor. Generally, though, it’s fine to use it as often as possible. Thanks to its tracking, it’ll almost always have some effect.
  • Side Ground Attack: This is Velma’s standard ground attack. She hits enemies with three close-range speech bubbles, one after the other. The speech bubbles are pretty big, and they have a disjointed hitbox; they don’t expose Velma to counterattack. On the other hand, they’re a little slow, and the three hits don’t combo. The enemy can sometimes escape between hits. One option is to follow a side ground attack with an up or down attack, which does count as a true combo.
  • Up Ground Attack: Velma has an idea, and a lightbulb appears over her head, which is the attack. It’s quick, it has decent knockback, and it can spawn evidence, but it only hits the area above her. There’s a trick to chaining into it that makes it more reliable: if you use this move right after a different attack or dodge, Velma slides across the ground as the lightbulb appears, greatly increasing the attack’s horizontal range and allowing it to end a combo string.
  • Down Ground Attack: Velma takes out a calculator and solves an equation, ending in a triumphant word bubble shout. This attack is slow, and only a bit larger than her reliable side attack, but it does the most damage of her single strikes when charged, and can spawn evidence. Good for a single, powerful strike, but it doesn’t have much kill power. Definitely not one of Velma’s best moves.
  • Neutral Air Attack: It’s the same as her neutral ground attack, allowing Velma to fire projectiles from midair.
  • Side Air Attack: Velma charges up a flashlight and turns it on. That’s not how flashlights work, but your enemies won’t have time to complain: this is a reliable close-range attack with some kill potential. Since it’s usable in the air, it’s possible to jump forward and charge, then release once you’re near the enemy. It can also spawn evidence.
  • Up Air Attack: It’s the same lightbulb as the ground version. It can’t slide, but it’s more likely to hit and to kill if used on enemies above you in the air.
  • Down Air Attack: Velma’s glasses fall off, and she reaches down and grabs them out of the air. For some reason, this does good damage and is a reliable spike. It can be used as a kill move onstage by bouncing a high-damage opponent against the ground, and it can chain into a follow-up move like the lightbulb or camera flash (up special) easily.

Velma’s regular attacks are already wacky, but her specials are even more so. Pay close attention to this part of the Velma MultiVersus guide.

  • Neutral Ground Special: Velma pulls out a megaphone and delivers an “inspirational speech”. This take the form of a very long beam, which can be angled up and down while firing. It does very little damage, but the object is to have it focused on your target when its full effect triggers, which happens after a couple seconds of use. If you’re shouting at an enemy, the trigger causes a big hit with good knockback and a stack of weakness. If you’re shouting at your teammate, the trigger heals them, gives them a little speed buff, and rebounds a second beam off of them – the same effect as shouting at an enemy, but stronger and with twice the debuff! This move does have a cooldown, but it’s extremely short. Give it a couple seconds and you’re good to shout some more. The real risk is that it leaves Velma vulnerable. The beam doesn’t make enemies flinch until the final hit, so anyone can walk right up to you and punish for free. Do it at range, or while the enemy’s preoccupied.
  • Side Ground Special: Velma does the Scooby-Doo run in place for a while, charging. Releasing the button sends her dashing forward, grabbing enemies in the way and throwing them at the end of the dash. Charging for longer extends the length of the dash, but it travels a fair distance even uncharged. Once you’re running, you can jump to cancel it. The move is very slow and obvious, and therefore hard to use… unless you coordinate. If a teammate jumps into Velma’s arms during the charge-up or dash, you both get an armor buff.
  • Up Ground Special: Velma throws a vial of blue stuff onto the ground beneath her. It’s not much on its own, but the puddle of blue persists, and enemies standing in it start to freeze very quickly. It’s a powerful trap, but has a long cooldown. Use whenever you can.
  • Down Ground Special: Velma activates Big Head Mode. For her, this cleanses debuffs and gives her a cooldown reduction buff (“educated”). It also throws a magical book, which rapidly seeks your teammate and applies those buffs to them as well (including the big head). It sticks around for a little while, spinning around your ally and hitting enemies like the Bible from Vampire Surv– I mean, from Castlevania. Since it reduces your other cooldowns, this move has a long cooldown of its own. Throw it out whenever you remember it exists.
  • Neutral Air Special: This is the same megaphone blast as her ground special. When she uses it in the air, she hovers in place, letting her shoot from a slightly safer position.
  • Side Air Special: Velma opens a big book. The knowledge inside bursts forth (?), propelling her a short distance through the air. It’s a weak attack, but it can land an extra hit in the air while keeping you away from the enemy. Just remember that the burst fires in the opposite direction as your input.
  • Up Air Special: Velma aims below her with a camera and takes a picture, causing a fair-sized camera flash explosion. It doesn’t help much for recovery, but the flash causes an armor break, an evidence spawn, and a decent amount of knockback. It’s not as powerful a spike as Velma’s down air attack, but it can send offstage opponents flying away at a deadly angle.
  • Down Air Special: This is the same book throw as the down ground special.

What’s all this evidence good for, you ask? When Velma and her teammate have collected five pieces, it enables her ultimate move: She reveals that an opponent is Old Man Jenkins, and summons the Mystery Machine to apprehend them. The van chases its target down automatically, and “busts” them on contact, which instantly does 40 damage and locks them inside. Then it drives off the edge of the stage for a kill. You can even attack it to damage an enemy inside!

It sounds like a devastating attack, but it’s often underwhelming. The van’s AI isn’t great, and it can’t chase targets into the air. Sometimes it leaps off the edge and dies as soon as it’s spawned. It can be destroyed by enemy attacks, which can free a captive inside or even prevent the arrest from happening. And after all that, a busted enemy can free themselves by mashing the dodge button to evade the instant death.

For these reasons, it’s best not to rely on the Mystery Machine. Don’t go out of your way to collect evidence as Velma if it would mean putting yourself or your team in a bad position. That said, definitely call the gang if you have the evidence for it: even if it usually fails, summoning the van forces the enemy to respond immediately and can disrupt them.

How to Win 2v2 Battles as Velma in MultiVersus

Velma team victory

This section of the Velma MultiVersus guide will review how to work with a teammate. Velma’s greatest strength is her wealth of teamplay abilities. Firing at your teammate with the neutral speech bubbles or the megaphone sends a stronger version at your enemies, so it’s always a good idea to aim at your allies first. Despite Velma’s strengths, she’s also light, and has some trouble scoring kills. Even her most reliable kill moves won’t work unless the enemy’s at very high damage.

Since Velma needs a teammate who can help on offense and defense, a good partner for her would be a Tank or a durable Brawler who can keep enemies away from Velma while taking advantage of her heals. Shaggy, appropriately enough, is a good option, as long as he doesn’t leave you in the cold while he powers up. LeBron is also a heavy Brawler, and can stack projectile-boosting perks with you. Any current Tank works well with Velma, each for different reasons: Wonder Woman has a lot of cooldown moves, and can make use of Velma’s down special. Iron Giant is huge, and is very easy to hit with healing beams. Superman can use his ice breath alongside Velma’s freezing up special, including the Break The Ice perk for bonus damage.

How to Win 1v1 Battles as Velma in MultiVersus

velma 1v1 victory

This section of the Velma MultiVersus guide detailes 1v1 strategy. Velma’s abilities are powerful, but most of them are designed to amplify her teammate. She’s not built for 1v1 at all. It’s not impossible, though, with some clever play. Her targeting speech bubble won’t track enemies, but it travels quickly and has a short cooldown, and if it connects, the follow-up speech bubbles do track. Her megaphone is extremely risky in 1v1, and is only safe if used at range.

As with most 1v1 confrontations, the best plan is to move quickly and threaten the enemy with large hitboxes. For Velma, an advancing side air will often catch an incoming enemy. Her side ground attack is also tough to contest, as long as you don’t rely on the full three hits. One hit cancelled into a different attack is safer. She still has issues securing kills, though. You could try for an early spike or offstage side air, but in a pinch, down air onstage will kill off the top around 130 damage.

Velma’s Best Perks

velma multiversus perks

For the last section of the Velma MultiVersus guide, let’s go over her perk options. She has two Signature Perks, and both of them affect the evidence that spawns from her attacks.

  • Studied starts Velma out with one free evidence, so she only needs to collect four instead of five to call the Mystery Machine.
  • Knowledge Is Power gives Velma’s teammate 3 points of grey health, absorbing damage, when they pick up a piece of evidence.

This one’s easy: Use Studied in 1v1 (because Knowledge Is Power will have no effect) and Knowledge is Power in 2v2 (because the Mystery Machine often fails and it’s better to have the guaranteed grey health).

For her minor perks, Velma can focus on strengthening her projectile offense or her dodge-based defense. These should be chosen based on which ones will also benefit your teammate.

  • Coffeezilla is great on Velma, lowering the cooldown of her healing megaphone from “practically nothing” to “almost nothing”.
  • Deadeye and Shirt Cannon Sniper are good general damage boosters if your teammate also uses projectiles.
  • Ice To Beat You and That’s Flammable, Doc are another way to boost projectile damage. It works well combined with Hit ‘Em While They’re Down and a teammate with debuff potential, like Batman or Taz.
  • Dodging remains the most effective defensive option, so dodge-strengthening perks like Slippery Customer and Hit Me If You’re Able are solid picks in all circumstances, especially for 1v1.
  • Lastly, Triple Jump is great when stacked, so your teammate might be mad at you if you don’t have it.

Splatoon 3 Rainmaker: How to Play and Improve

Rainmaker is one of four ranked modes available to players in Splatoon 3, accessible in the regular rotation of modes offered through the Anarchy Battles playlist accessible to players after reaching level 10 (or level 2 if you have save data for Splatoon 2 on your Nintendo Switch). It’s an objective-based mode where the aim of the game is to transport the special rainmaker weapon to the goal in your opponent’s side of the field, with the first to do so or take it the furthest within five minutes being crowned the winner.

These are the basics, but how does Rainmaker actually work, and how can you take your play from a B- rookie to an S+ master? That’s what this guide will introduce to you, with an explainer of all the basic rules and useful techniques needed to master Rainmaker in Splatoon 3 and its changes compared to earlier entries in the series.

What are the Rules of Rainmaker?

First things first, the basics. Rainmaker is a mode in Splatoon 3 where teams each have five minutes to take the rainmaker from the center of the arena to the goal, with the winner being crowned once a player has reached the goal. If no team has reached the goal at the end of the time limit, the player to have pushed the Rainmaker the furthest within the time limit will be crowned the winner.

The rainmaker starts each match in the center of the arena encased in a shield that must be popped by shooting it using ink from your weapons and bombs. Once this shield has been shot enough team’s with one team’s ink, the shield will explode in a brief radius around the weapon before leaving the weapon exposed, allowing either team to collect the weapon from its location. The player holding the weapon can not relinquish control of the Rainmaker once they have collected it, and their goal is to transport the rainmaker to the opponent’s goal in order to win the match.

What Does the Rainmaker Do in Splatoon 3?

rainmaker mode in splatoon 3

The Rainmaker acts like a Special Weapon while in the player’s possession. You won’t be able to use your main weapon, but you will be able to fire super-charged shots from its mouth. Tapping the button will release a small trickle of ink directly in front of you, enough to make minor progress in any direction through enemy ink and potentially useful for a last-minute grab for the lead when death appears near-certain. By holding the fire button, you can fire a ball of ink in front of you, which will explode upon impact.

This means the player holding the Rainmaker isn’t powerless and solely reliant on your teammates to make a push towards the goal. You can assist your team, and indeed, should work together with them to use your superpowered shots alongside their dispatching of mobile enemies in order to clear a path to the goal.

The Rainmaker does have some disadvantages, however. Players carrying the weapon can’t use their Specials, nor can they move with as much speed either while working or traversing through ink as they could without carrying the weapon. This makes you more reliant on working with your team in order to make the best move towards victory.

How do Checkpoints Work in Rainmaker in Splatoon 3?

In a change from previous entries in the series, Rainmaker in Splatoon 3 is made up of checkpoints that a team must clear before reaching the final goal.

For example, in the level Hammerhead Bridge, the final goal each team must reach to win the match is situated close to the opposing team’s base. However, before teams can place the Rainmaker on that pedestal, players must first take the Rainmaker to a pedestal closer to the center of the map, where the Rainmaker will then reset and must be popped again before it can be recollected and taken to the goal.

This slows the match down and forces teams to take careful consideration of enemy location and strength before making a forward push. An effective push for victory in this mode should claim map control and push the enemy back so the Rainmaker can make its way to each pedestal unimpeded. Only pushing forward with player advantage unless the game is reaching the closing stages and you are in a losing position should ensure you can safely reach and move beyond these checkpoints without being stopped in your tracks by a well-timed sniper or blaster to the face.

What are the Best Weapons to Use for Rainmaker?

splatoon 3 rainmaker mode

Rainmaker is a mode reliant on map control similar to Turf War, with the best weapons being those that can quickly dispatch your opponent in offensive situations and slow your opponent when on the defensive.

The best weapons for Rainmaker in Splatoon 3 are the Dualie Squelchers, thanks to their versatility and ability to quickly traverse the map while being difficult for opponents to splat, as well as their special weapon. Dualies are two-handed weapons that fire shots from guns held in each of your Inkling’s hands, and have the added ability of allowing your character to dodge roll while shooting for improved accuracy and to dodge your opponent’s shots. Coupled with the new Squid Roll ability that allows players to jump roll out of the ink into the opposite direction of travel essentially offers all Dualie weapons an additional roll in offensive or defensive situations, making it even more difficult for opponents to lock on to you and splat you.

Furthermore the Wave Beacon is a particularly useful defensive item in Rainmaker. Due to the slower movement of the Rainmaker character it is more difficult for this player to dodge upcoming waves, making it a severe impediment when an opposing team is making an offensive push.

Another effective weapon in Rainmaker in Splatoon 3 is the Heavy Splatling, thanks to its heavy rate of fire from a distance. After charging the weapon it’s possible to completely wipe through the Rainmaker shield in a single charge. Typically a player using a Splatling won’t be charging into the action, standing and firing from a distance in order to clear enemy lines for the team and Rainmaker to advance. The weapon’s strength against the shield and in team fights from a distance make it an effective counter to your opponent’s actions.

Finally, we recommend using a Shooter like the N-Zap 85. Not only does the weapon’s rapid rate of fire make it effective in a 1v1 fight with another player, its Tacticooler special offering additional strength to your team and instant respawn is crucial in a mode where even a few second with all players off the field could result in an unassailable push from your opponent into your area of the field and towards your pedestal.

Controlling the Map in Rainmaker in Splatoon 3

Map control is crucial in achieving victory in Rainmaker in Splatoon 3. Unlike Turf War, where the objective is to control as much of the map as possible to win, your objective is simply to carry the rainmaker to the goal. However, with the goal being situated deep inside your opponent’s area, it’s nearly impossible to make an effective and reliable game-winning push for the goal without the support of your team and control over the map.

Map control is important in Rainmaker as it allows you to swim through the ink to flank your opponent’s and make an offensive push, reducing the number of active players on the field by splatting them in order to create a clearing to take the Rainmaker forwards. A balanced team composition with players who can defend the rainmaker and pick off opponents from the back (using snipers or splatlings) or front (with shooters, blasters, brushes or dualies) makes it possible to assert control over the crucial center of the map where the Rainmaker spawns and resets and makes it difficult for your opponent to push forwards or mount a comeback.

What is important is that you create a degree of pressure on your opponent which stops them from being able to flank behind you and pick off key members of the team that will prevent you from earning points. Only by controlling the map can you control the opposing team.

Player Advantage and When to Push the Rainmaker in Splatoon 3

Similar to the importance of map control, understanding player advantage is key to understanding when is best to hold back and when is the moment to make a break for the Rainmaker checkpoint or objective in Splatoon 3 Anarchy Battles. What is easy to forget in the heat of the battle is the effectiveness, strength and range of the Rainmaker as a weapon, making it unnecessary for the player controlling the Rainmaker to lead the team from the front unless they are making an objective push.

Allowing close-range teammates to move forward and pick off opponents while using the Rainmaker to shoot charged shots from afar is an effective strategy to retain control over the objective and map as it forces the opponent to focus on putting a stop to your push rather than pressing for advantage.

There is nothing wrong with taking things slow and holding back with the Rainmaker until the time is right when you reach a 4v2 situation where your opponent only has two players available to stop your play before making a push for a checkpoint or the goal. Such a delay can be the difference between victory and defeat as it makes you more likely to earn more points or even reach the goal and end the match if you have less people standing in your way to stop you.

With a full map in play there is no need to narrow the playing field into a single strip. Flanking the side of the map in order to take out opponents by swinging along the map with the Zipcaster, or swimming through ink in order to swipe at an opponent when they least expect it, then making a jump for the objective, is a strategic way to claim victory in Rainmaker in Splatoon 3, even from the jaws of defeat.

How to Improve at Rainmaker in Splatoon 3

rainmaker splatoon

Ultimately, as with any game, practice makes perfect, and Rainmaker in Splatoon 3 is no different. By playing lots of matches, it’s possible to learn what is a good play and what weapons you are most effective with, and which are more likely to hold you back or that you should avoid direct confrontation with wherever possible.

Watching replays of your own matches in the game’s new replay system is a good way to learn from past mistakes, and watching the matches of higher-ranked is another method of learning what moves are good and which are more likely to send you down a spiral of defeat.

However, remembering when is the most opportune time to make an objective push using player advantage and learning how to take advantage of the Rainmaker’s own unique strengths as a weapon are important tools in your quest for Splatoon 3 ranked supremacy. In many matches, both teams will likely have one moment where the opportunity exists for one player to seize control over the match and guide their team to victory, if they can effectively assess the importance of player advantage, map control and the opportune moment to push for the checkpoint and goal.

Over time, practice and an understand of what works and what doesn’t will make it easier to spot how to secure victory in this complex mode. Only then can you turn your Splatoon 3 Rainmaker escapades from B- blues to S+ celebrations.

How to Get Better at Turf War In Splatoon 3

Splatoon 3, Nintendo’s latest entry in their popular mess-making series, is finally here. Coming on the heels of Splatoon 2, also on the Switch, this new shooter retains many features of its predecessor while adding some new stuff. The launch of a new game is a great time for new players to get in on the ink-soaked action, but like any multiplayer shooter, newcomers can have a tough time. Splatoon’s tutorial tells the player how to aim and fire, but that only helps so much when a team of rabid squids with guns is coming to kill you. Here are a few less-obvious tips to help you get better at Splatoon 3 Turf War (the game’s main mode).

Choose Your Controls

splatoon 3 turf war tree shoot

The first thing you should figure out, even before deciding which gun to use or t-shirt to wear, is how to set your controls. Unlike most console shooters, Splatoon includes the option to use motion controls. I’ll be blunt: you should use motion controls. You might have to tweak the sensitivity, but the fact is that aiming with motion is more accurate and much, much faster than holding a direction on a control stick. It might take some time to get used to, but it’s worth it. Consider trying a less intense game mode than Turf War to ease into things.

A common setup is to use motion controls for small adjustments, and the control sticks for large turns. Figuring out what works best for you will take several rounds of live fire. Be aware that getting caught from behind is deadly, and can happen often thanks to ink-based stealth. If you can’t turn and respond to threats from all angles, you’ll be dead before you can respond. As an aside, that also means you should attack enemies from the back or side whenever possible, to exploit slow-turning players who didn’t read this guide.

Stay With Your Turf War Team

splatoon 3 turf war victory

Three is less than four. With limited communication, you can’t easily identify and react to faraway threats during Splatoon 3 Turf War. Try to keep your team within gun’s reach, even if you’re tempted to paint some faraway corner. For example: there’s a healthy debate in the Splatoon community over “inking the spawn,” which is not as vulgar as it sounds. Should players stay behind and cover their starting area with ink, since the winning team is the one with the most coverage? There’s a middle ground here. It may be a good idea to spread out a little at the start, but not enough to break up the team. Consistently winning fights is vital to your team’s overall success, and the easiest way to do that is through sheer force of numbers. Control the center first, go for coverage second.

Keep Up With Things

splatoon 3 turf war aerial map

Birds, fish, and Jedi know it, and it’s true in Splatoon as well: Height is power. On several maps, there are alternate paths that lead above the crowd. It’s often worth taking these paths instead of just zerging down the center. From higher up, you can see farther, which helps with assisting your team as mentioned above. It also extends the range of your ink attacks, doubly so if you’re using a long-range weapon.

Pressing the X button pulls up an aerial view of the Turf War battlefield, including the locations of your allies and whether they’ve died recently. This is a good way to track your team, and is also a quick look at the “scoreboard,” since whichever color of ink shows up most is the team that’s ahead. It includes one other feature that’s less obvious: highlighting a teammate and pressing “A” lets you jump to their position!

This jump is a risky maneuver. The spot where you’ll land is visible, and eager enemies can wait to kill you as soon as you arrive. Don’t do it unless your teammate is in a relatively safe spot. Conversely, you should kill any enemy you notice trying to jump near you. If you see a teammate’s name flashing at the bottom of your screen, that’s someone who’s trying to jump to your position. Stay back for a bit and you’ll get an ally delivered to you. If you rush forward, you’ll be responsible for your teammate’s death as well as your own.

Test Everything

splatoon 3 ammo knights firing range

Knowing is half the battle, and there are a lot of battles in Splatoon. The tutorial might be lacking, but there are plenty of ways to learn more about the mechanics on your own. Most useful is the Lobby from which you usually enter Turf War. Its squid-shaped targets pop after taking 100 damage, the same as a player. Knowing this, it’s possible to use them to tell how quickly you can kill with different weapons, and at what range. There’s also a “copy machine” accessed in the room’s options. This is a dummy that attacks you with your chosen weapon. If you’re whining about getting got by a specific weapon, use this function to figure out how to evade it.

Another good test spot is the firing range at the weapon store, Ammo Knights. New players won’t have any idea which of the many weapons to get, but they’re all try-before-you-buy. That includes the ones outside your level range! If you’re not sure where to spend your limited licenses, make sure to experiment with anything that looks interesting before buying. Remember also that using a weapon long enough will earn more licenses for you. The more weapons you actively use, the more you’re allowed to buy.

Take Breaks From Splatoon 3 Turf War

splatoon 3 hero mode intro

Splatoon 3 Turf War is hard. If you lose too much and start to get tilted, you’ll play worse and feel worse. Take breaks when you need to. Even if you’re mainly in it for the team battles, the other modes are worth trying. Hero Mode, the game’s single-player campaign, is a great way to review basic mechanics and ease into those motion controls. Salmon Run is another option, a PvE challenge that’s more about good teamwork and less about being trolled by sweatlords. In a worst-case scenario, you could even consider turning the game off – only in order to get better at Turf War, of course.