Carlos Cadorniga, Author at Hard Drive

Parents: Do Not Let Your Children Google Elephant Mario

Posted on June 21, 2023 by Ryan Fleishman

When normal, well-socialized humans saw Mario transform into an elephant they probably chuckled. Some may say “awww,” finding the trunk-wielding Italian cute and cuddly. But I reacted with horror, for I know the internet.

I first learned of Elephant Mario while reading a Direct recap in bed (as a true gamer, I naturally do not wake up before 2 PM). Aghast, I open up Twitter and search “Elephant Mario,” and the first result was this choice image:

Here we have a portrait of Elephant Mario with visible nips and a belly so massive he cannot possibly fit through pipes anymore. I don’t believe anyone even drew this: Elephant Mario fetish art manifested from the collective consciousness the second Nintendo announced him.

Parents, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, let your children look up Elephant Mario. They will find their childhood hero Mario put in compromised positions, and you will need to explain things you barely even understand.

You see, Elephant Mario is a gateway. Sure, this art may not be immediately apparent as a sex thing to the unindoctrinated. But little Timmy just found a fetish account, and they’re two clicks away from a bulge the size of Thomas the Tank Engine.

It’s not just Twitter, either, take a gander at these Google results. At the end of the fourth row, we have a suspiciously tubby Elephant Mario. Where’s he coming from? Good ol’ Furaffinity.

What did you just do, Nintendo? I know your company is run by dinosaurs, but somebody along the grapevine MUST have realized that people will misuse the Elephant. Elephant Mario just opened the Mario Universe to the locusts, and they will not stop at Mario. Just like Bowsette inspired female renditions of everyone Mario-adjacent, Elephant Mario will inevitably lead the way to Elephant Peach, or Elephant Toad. Hell, you might even find an Elephant Bowsette.

Gird your loins and lock your doors, because Elephant Mario art is coming the artists are cumming. Just pray Nintendo doesn’t release Tentacle Mario next.

Mom Enters Competitive ‘Thank You’ Card Game Tournament

Posted on June 21, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

GLENDALE, Ariz. — Local mother and competitive thank you card player Margery Walsh has officially entered the Glendale GratitudeFest Championship, tournament sources have confirmed.

“I remember being a little kid and thinking it was normal to have all these boxes of thank you cards stacked up in the basement,” said 17-year-old Alex, Walsh’s son. “I thought everyone’s mom bought more thank you cards than anyone could possibly use in a lifetime! How could I have understood that she was one of the top players in the entire state? It’s just one of those things that doesn’t occur to you when you’re five.”

Walsh was humble about her status in the community, saying that the game was just a pleasant way to pass the time.

“My favorite thing about it is that it lets me stay in touch with my friends,” said Walsh, who was prepping for the tournament by sorting her cards by color and font. “We get together at these tourneys and cons and just talk strategy, you know? I can really connect with these ladies in a way that no one else in my life would understand. That means more to me than trying to win. Of course, if Lorraine tries that weak-ass Shoebox deck again, I’m going to mop the floor with her. You can’t cheap out on this shit.”

Dan, Walsh’s husband of twenty years, said that he supports his wife’s passion even if he doesn’t fully understand it.

“I try to stay out of her way,” said Dan. “We both have our own hobbies. She builds thank you decks; I speedrun the route to the airport. I actually just worked out a theoretical 37-minute run that skips Post Road entirely. It’s very starting-seed dependent, because you have to hit the lights on Broad Street perfectly, but it’s really just a matter of putting in the hours. I’m going to start testing it while Marge is at her card game this weekend.”

At press time, Walsh was seen taking a trip to Kohl’s to stock up for the tournament’s traditional group box break.

Huge News for Gamers: Elon Musk Has Invented a New Slur

Posted on June 21, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — In what experts are calling the biggest news for gamers since the release of the Nintendo GameCube, tech billionaire Elon Musk has announced a new slur: cisgender.

“As gamers, we love collecting things — cartridges, funko pops, original soundtracks, and more. But most of all, we love to collect new slurs,” said gamer Dora Farrell. “That’s why it’s so exciting that cis and cisgender, the words used to describe someone who isn’t trans, is a slur. It has been years since the last time we had a slur announced. I can’t wait to try it out on all the guys in the next Fortnite lobby I’m in. Fuck off, you dirty cis!”

“Honestly, I’m impressed. I thought Musk was lying when he said he was an inventor, but this is easily his greatest gift to humanity,” said another gamer, Kieran Wong. “I always felt a bit incomplete, but now that I have cis in my arsenal, I feel like Thanos dropping his final slur into his infinity gauntlet. We finally have a new gamer word!”

According to Musk, introducing new slurs into the video game ecosystem is something that he has been working on for a long time.

“The way people act around me, I’ve always felt that my mission on Earth was to leave it. That’s why I spent so much time trying to go to Mars,” Musk explained. “But now I realize that what I’m meant to do is improve the lives of gamers worldwide by creating new slurs for them to use. And that’s my genius, I believe. Words like ‘cis’ have existed for decades, but through my abilities, I am able to give them new meaning.”

I promise you this, gamers: cis is not the final slur. There will be many more,” Musk said. “I cannot explain how just yet, but all sorts of words you see in your everyday life can be repurposed. Truck, film, mournful, disaster, announcement. These are all words that one day will be used by 13-year-olds playing Call of Duty: Warzone to terrorize enemies over a broken microphone. That is my promise.”

At press time, however, gamers began criticizing Musk after he reset the number of slurs by declaring that the n-word will no longer count as one.

What to Know About Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny

Posted on June 20, 2023 by Camden Brazile

Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny premieres June 30th and we slipped past the booby traps, dodged a rolling boulder, and sneaked out with every bit of info we could. And then we wrote it into this list and published it on our website!

Shia LaBeouf Still Doesn’t Know About It

In an effort to preserve the film’s quality, Harrison Ford assured LaBeouf he was just on vacation and there was no new Indiana Jones in development.

The Film Will Be The Only Topic of Conversation Between You and Your Dad for Two Months

Disney has confirmed that your awkward, stilted conversation with your father during brief visits home will be dominated by Indiana Jones 5 as it is the only piece of pop culture he is aware of from the last decade.

Spielberg’s Script Was Rejected

Legendary director Stephen Spielberg was forced off the project after producers didn’t like his script that explored Indiana Jones’ Jewish upbringing and parents’ divorce in the 1950s.

The Movie Is Woke

Right-Wing fans of the franchise have already decried the movie’s blatantly negative portrayal of Nazis.

It Will Be Ford’s Last Appearance as the Character Until Someone Writes Another Script

Harrison Ford has finally sworn off playing Indiana Jones in the future unless someone writes another Indiana Jones movie.

It Was Cheaper to Clone Young Harrison Ford Than Digitally De-Age Him, and While the Clone Was Beloved by Cast and Crew He Did Not Live Long and Withered to a Husk Moments After Calling Cut

Sad.

John Williams Pretty Much Just Phoned This One In

By the composer’s own admission, he just kind of slowed down the Indiana Jones theme to sound more triumphant and nostalgic and called it a day.

Link Stumbles Onto Dried, Wilted Korok Left Over From ‘Breath of the Wild’

Posted on June 20, 2023 by Jon Ruggiero

ROMANI PLAINS, Hyrule — After fixing a stone circle with one rock out of place, local legend Link uncovered a dried-up korok left undiscovered during the events of his previous adventure.

The korok, named Kuhu, appeared with a clack of sticks and a puff of dust after spending several miserable years trapped inside the rock.

“Ya-ha-ha! How the fuck did it take you this long to find me,” Kuhu angrily coughed out upon being discovered by the Hero of Time. “Great Deku Tree damnit, it’s not like you have to move a mountain to find me; just one dumb fucking stone. Ow… oh my back is so sore from hiding here this whole time… wait, how long have I been out? How many blood moons have passed?”

Once he appeared, the korok began inspecting his body which had become desiccated and withered while waiting to be discovered. Kuhu’s three-tipped leaf face had holes blown through it, bark had flaked off his back, and the stick holding his pinwheel leaf had been snapped in half.

“Wow, you look like you’re in bad shape, pal,” said Link, somehow without vocalizing. “I’m sorry but there’s a lot going on right now and you guys are pretty much everywhere. I don’t want to get into it, but I think my girlfriend time-traveled and caused the world to get even worse than it had been… Hey, wait, why were you hiding in the first place?”

“Ya-ha-hoh no it hurts everywhere,” moaned Kuhu to Link. “I should’ve never agreed to do this. Hestu said this was going to be such a great opportunity. ‘Hide out, share your seeds with random people if they see you, and have fun,’ he said. What a crock of seed that was. This sucks… get the fuck out of here, dude! Bye-byeee!”

Before moving on and going to a nearby shrine, Link was presented with an off-white korok seed that crumbled in his hands.

Barbie Movie Sex Scene Features Giant Hands Slamming Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling Together

Posted on June 20, 2023 by Liam Stephenson

LOS ANGELES — Leaked information from an early Barbie screening confirms that the film contains a hot, steamy scene of Barbie and Ken getting their plastic bodies rammed together by a pair of giant hands.

“I wanted to challenge the unrealistic standards that Barbie sets for young, impressionable consumers,” said director Greta Gerwig. “That’s why we created two enormous CGI arms and let them mash our naked co-stars together. That’s raw. That’s authentic Barbie intercourse.”

Gerwig also collaborated with the film’s composer to underscore the scene with plenty of smooching noises.

“Everyone’s done Barbie sex. When you hit the dolls together, you make kissy noises. It’s common knowledge,“ said pop mega-producer Mark Ronson, who created the music for the film. “If you listen closely, we even added the sound of parents coming down the hallway, asking what the heck is going on in there.”

Lead actors Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling, on the other hand, suffered quite a bit from Gerwig’s perfectionism in the romantic scenes.

“Reshooting the scene so many times left my face completely mutilated,” said Robbie, her head wrapped completely in medical gauze. “My nose is hanging by a thread and all of my teeth were knocked out. My career is ruined. Don’t forget to see Barbie, in theaters July 21.”

Ryan Gosling also suffered a variety of injuries, mostly to his lower half.

“My erection got shoved back into my body like a nail getting hammered. I’m paralyzed from shaft to balls,” Gosling said, offering to show his gruesome injury to interviewers, all of which declined. “But that’s just the kind of thing you need to accept as a serious actor.”

Barbie is rated PG-13 due to smooth, plastic nudity and occasional references to cooties.

“I’m More of a Raphael,” Says Obvious Michelangelo

Posted on June 20, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — A heated argument broke out in a local half-finished basement after 22-year-old Jeff Wyman compared himself to the sai-wielding turtle Raphael, despite his obvious resemblance to Michelangelo, sources confirmed.

“You know, I’m a bit of a loner. I’m subtle and mysterious,” said Wyman, as he reclined on an old sofa and poured cheese curls into his mouth. “Plus, I’m super tough, even if I don’t look it. Like, you think Leo is the tough one, but Raph could totally beat him in a fight. He’s got that dog in him, you know? Just like me.”

Wyman’s annoyed friends reported that they had heard his arguments before, and had even prepared a list of rebuttals to all of his claims.

“First of all, he’s never been in a fight in his entire life, so I don’t know why he thinks he’s so tough,” said Tom Barnes, the self-proclaimed Donatello of the group. “He’s not brooding; in fact, he never shuts up. He’s always telling dumb jokes that no one laughs at. One time I saw him pick up a bunch of sausage links and pretend they were nunchucks. He tried to play it off like a joke, but he was really good with them. It’s just so obvious that he’s Mikey! I mean, his favorite color is orange! He tries to say that it’s red-orange, but he’s not fooling anyone.”

Brenda Diaz, Wyman’s partner of 3 years, said that she tries to stay out of debates regarding the heroes in a half shell.

“I didn’t really watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles when I was a kid, and Jeff gets really worked up about it, so I just kind of nod along with him when he brings it up,” said Diaz, who happened to be wearing a yellow jumpsuit. “I challenge him on other stuff, though. The other day, we were watching Fellowship of the Ring and he tried to say he was Strider. I was like, ‘Okay, Pippin.’ Maybe he can be Strider when he learns how to use the stove without setting off the smoke detector.”

At press time, Wyman was seen ordering a pizza, emphatically specifying that it should not contain anchovies.

Final Fantasy 16 PC Release: Is FF16 Coming to Steam?

Posted on June 20, 2023 by Christian Dawson

As players are set to dive into the mystical world of Valisthea in Final Fantasy 16, many are wondering if a PC release is in the cards, or if the trip requires a PlayStation 5. While hero Clive Rosfield might be able to wield the power of Eikons to overcome obstacles, we don’t have the luxury of transforming our consoles without the help of the local pawn shop.

Previous Final Fantasy titles have been released across a number of platforms. However, in this day and age of platform exclusives, timed exclusives, and various backroom deals, it’s always a question of “if” and “when” a title will be coming to another platform.

Will Final Fantasy 16 Come To PC?

Continuing the trend of recent Final Fantasy titles, Final Fantasy 16 will be a timed exclusive for the PlayStation 5. In an interview with producer Naoki Yoshida, the PlayStation Blog touched on the possibility of Final Fantasy 16 coming to PC.

Yoshida acknowledged the “semi-annual monopoly” that Sony has with the series. However, this hasn’t stopped the team from starting work on optimizing a PC version. Fans should note, though, that it is highly unlikely that Final Fantasy 16 will be coming to PC within six months of the PlayStation 5 release.

The most recent example that might give players some context would be Final Fantasy 7 Remake. Cloud and his associates arrived on PlayStation 4 on April 10, 2020. A little over a year later, they made the trek to PlayStation 5 with Intergrade on June 10, 2021. The PC port wouldn’t come until December 16, 2021, when it was released on the Epic Games Store. Finally, Remake came to Steam on June 17, 2022.

So, while it is likely that we’ll get a PC version of Final Fantasy 16 at some point, it probably won’t be soon. However, with 2023 being a bang-up year for gaming hit after hit, there should be plenty to keep players busy until a PC version is announced.

That’s all the info we have regarding a PC port of Final Fantasy 16 at this time. Of course, we’ll have more information up as soon as it becomes available. Until then, make sure to check out Everything We Know About Final Fantasy 16 for a rundown of all the most important information.

Four Dead in Fight Over Video Game Controller

Posted on June 20, 2023 by Hard Drive Staff

BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN — Four ultra-wealthy divers have died 800 miles off the coast of Canada after a brutal fight for a video game controller attached to the submarine they were in.

“You promised it was my turn after 1,000 meters! If the depth reader wasn’t broken, it would probably say 2,000 meters by now,” one of the deceased reportedly said, attempting to wrest the Logitech controller from OceanGate CEO Stockton Rush, who insisted on going first because it was his game. “You always do this, man. Don’t tell me I get a turn unless you’re actually going to give me a turn. At this rate, it feels like I’ll die before I get to play this thing.”

The heated situation didn’t come to blows until Rush attempted to defend himself with a technicality.

“I said after 1,000 meters, not exactly 1,000 meters. Just let me wait until a good stopping place and then I’ll pause,” he said, trying to get a few more moves in while his fellow gamers ganged up on him. “Dude, stop it! You’re gonna fuck up our run if you don’t cut it out. I’ll shut this whole thing off—don’t think I won’t!”

Despite attempts from the United States Coast Guard, the four men were unable to be rescued.

“We save a lot of crazy people out there, but this is the worst we’ve ever seen. By the time we got to them, their fingers were so tightly gripped around the one controller, we needed power tools to remove it,” said Coast Guard Captain Jessie Conway. “It’s just a damn shame. If they had a second controller down there so someone could be Player Two — even just an unplugged one to let the youngest diver think he’s helping steer the submarine — they would still be alive today. Instead, they’re all sleeping with the Seamen.”

At press time, the Coast Guard shared one piece of good news: the fifth member of the crew, one of the employees who works for the vacationing company, had been discovered sitting quietly next to his crewmates, alive, reading a book.

Diablo 4 Best Nightmare Sigils Guide: To Run Dungeons

Posted on June 20, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Diablo 4 has 115 dungeons to farm, but even that can get tedious and boring after a while. Nightmare Sigils are dungeon modifiers that raise the difficulty and apply between three and five affixes. This Diablo IV guide will outline the best affixes you can possibly roll on Sigils.

What Are Nightmare Sigils In Diablo 4?

Currently, there are over a hundred known affixes that can be potentially rolled on a Nightmare Sigil, of which a small group are beneficial to the player. Of the larger pool of detrimental affixes, there are a number which can be mitigated with either the right build or smart tactical play. The ideal combination will let you run a Nightmare Dungeon almost as easily as you would a regular one.

Damage Boosting Affixes: Best Diablo 4 Nightmare Sigils

Frost Damage

You deal [5-15]% more Frost damage.

Lightning Damage

You deal [5-15]% more Lightning damage.

Poison Damage

You deal [5-15]% more Poison damage.

Shadow Damage

You deal [5-15]% more Shadow damage.

Fire Damage

You deal [5-15]% more Fire Damage.

Physical Damage

You deal [5-15]% more Physical Damage.

These are a no-brainer, since they provide an outright percentage buff to your damage output.

Best Nightmare Sigils: Looting And Farming Affixes

Gold Find

You find [10-30]% more gold.

Magic Find

You find more items from enemies.

Nightmare Dungeons are heavily populated with monsters, and loot buffs like these exponentially increase the drop rate from a dungeon run.

Defensive Affixes: Best D4 Nightmare Sigils

Control Impaired Explosions

Being hit by Control Impairing Effects creates an explosion around you.

Lightning Caller

You occasionally call down lightning strikes that damage nearby enemies.

Poisonous Evade

Using Evade leaves a pool of Poison behind, damaging enemies.

Thorns

Your Thorns are increased by [249-491].

Defensive retaliation and passive area of effect attacks are great for thinning out the mobs of monsters that will surround you.

Negative Affixes

For every positive affix on a Sigil, you will be saddled with two or more negative affixes that buff the monsters in the dungeon or otherwise hinder you in some way. Ideally you will roll negative affixes that are countered by your class, build, gear, or tactical sense.

Diablo 4 Best Nightmare Sigils: Neutral Affixes

Double Bosses

Spawns two bosses instead of one!
If you’re confident in your abilities to beat the end-boss of a dungeon, this negative affix might actually prove to be a farming opportunity for additional drops.

Lightning Storm

Lightning gathers above the player. Get into the protection dome to avoid severe outcomes.
While being struck by lightning is annoying, the dome provides some respite if you can time it correctly.

Blood Blister

Monster death will sometimes spawn a Blood Blister. After a short time, it explodes, dealing heavy area damage.
If you can avoid the explosion, the area of effect damage will do you a service versus the monster hordes.

Nightmare Portals

Red portals periodically spawn in the dungeon, unleashing more hellish demons from any region in Sanctuary.
As long as your skills are up to it, more monsters to kill and farm is always a good thing, especially in conjunction with either of the looting and farming affixes.

Any Monster Damage Resistance Affixes

Monster Physical Resist

Monsters take [15-30]% less Physical damage.

Monster Cold Resist

Monsters take [20-40]% less Cold damage.

Monster Fire Resist

Monsters take [20-40]% less Fire damage.

Monster Lightning Resist

Monsters take [20-40]% less Lightning damage.

Monster Bleeding Resist

Monsters take [30-60]% less Bleeding damage.

Monster Burning Resist

Monsters take [30-60]% less Burning damage.

Monster Corruption Resist

Monsters take [30-60]% less Corruption damage.

Monster Overpower Resist

Monsters take [30-60]% less Overpower damage.

Monster Poison Resist

Monsters take [30-60]% less Poison damage.

Monster Shadow Resist

Monsters take [20-40]% less Shadow damage.

Melee Defenders

Monsters take [20-40]% less damage from close targets.

Ranged Defenders

Monsters take [30-60]% less damage from distant targets.

As long as your particular class and chosen skills aren’t actually dependent on one of these damage types anyway, the negative affix will have no impact whatsoever on the damage type that you do deal. Conversely, you can also hold on to Sigils with negative affixes that buff monster attacks with specific elemental damage (of which there are just as many as listed above), as long as your build and gear has the corresponding resistance.

That’s everything you need to know about rolling the best affixes on a Sigil to run Nightmare Dungeons in Diablo 4! Check out our guide on farming Helltides for Aberrant Cinders.