Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

Who Will Win the Barbie/Oppenheimer War?

Posted on April 19, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

As of today, both Barbie and Oppenheimer are set to release on July 21, 2023, and everyone is dying to know: which of these films will make more money at the box office, solidifying it as the objectively better film of the two? We looked at the facts and determined which of these has a better shot at the #1 slot this summer.

Barbie is for girls and Oppenheimer is for boys

50.42% of the world’s population is women. That’s a difference of 65,511,048 people who will see the Barbie movie over Oppenheimer, assuming every single woman on Earth sees Barbie and every single man on Earth sees Oppenheimer and neither one sees the other movie. So pretty likely, all things considered.

Oppenheimer has the word “bomb” in it

Oppenheimer is about a big bomb. As we all know, moviegoers are generally frightened people. They may think there is a chance that a big bomb will go off in the movie theater as they watch the film, instantly disintegrating their bodies forever. Or even worse, they may think that movie is a box-office bomb just because it’s about a bomb. This will certainly deter them from seeing the film.

Everybody wins as long as we have fun

Box office, shmox office, right? Why is our society so obsessed with MONEY? As long as everyone has fun, then we ALL win. That’s why Barbie drives that pink car. And that’s why J. Robert Oppenheimer created the nuclear weapons that directly led to the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people. Just chill out and enjoy the movies!

Greta Gerwig said she will beat up Chris Nolan if Oppenheimer wins

Barbie director Greta Gerwig said in an interview that she is going to “beat the living shit out of [Oppenheimer director] Chris Nolan if Oppenheimer makes more money than Barbie.” She went on to say she will “cut him with a knife I keep sharp just for the occasion. I’ll gut him like the fish he is.” This may scare Nolan into decreasing the marketing for his film, so as to not be gutted like the fish he is.

We don’t know

It’s impossible for us to know these things before the movies come out. Maybe ask if after they come out, once we can see who went to each movie more? That would make more sense. Please stop making us try to predict these things, we are rarely correct.

YouTubers have vowed to “Stop the Steal” for Oppenheimer

Various groups of YouTubers have vowed that they will storm the Capitol building if it is declared by Box Office Mojo that Barbie made more money than Oppenheimer. If they’re willing to pull it off, that virtually secures the win for Oppenheimer no matter what. Remember: film video essays are written by the victors.

Allen isn’t in Oppenheimer

When it comes to box office predictions, you have to look for which movie will have the most rewatches. Those who view Barbie may find Michael Cera’s character Allen too disturbing to consider watching the film again. Oppenheimer, which features 0 Allens, will be seen by fans over and over again due to not having anything so scary in it.

Oppenheimer is about a war

Come on. Oppenheimer is ABOUT people doing whatever it takes to win a war. Unless Barbie has a character called Nuclear Scientist Barbie or Politician Willing To Do Anything To End WW2 Even If It Means Gallons Of Blood On His Hands Ken, I think it’s pretty safe to say Oppenheimer will win this war as well.

Barbie has more sexy people in it

Yummy!!!

10 VR Horror Games to Play for 5 Minutes Before You Run Back to ‘Beat Saber’ Like a Big Baby

Posted on April 18, 2023 by Maggie D’Isa-Hogan

Virtual reality is the perfect vehicle for horror stories, and with more cutting edge horror games being developed for VR headsets every day, it’s easier than ever to go on spine-tingling immersive adventures. Not for you, though. Here’s ten horror games you might get through the opening title sequence of, before panicking and switching back to Beat Saber, you sorry excuse for a gamer.

A Chair in a Room: Greenwater

A great introduction to the genre of VR horror, this game has you stand in white room for about 30 seconds before the sound of an intercom gives you your first piece of exposition, startling you so much that you have to play Beat Saber for the next three hours to calm down.

5 Nights at Freddy’s: Help Wanted

The first jumpscare in this installment of the FNaF saga will have you running back to the neon arms of your Maroon 5 music expansion pack faster than you can say “I was lying to myself when I bought this game. I just want to dance.”

The Moonlight Circus

Enjoy the intro music composed by Fabjén Rauch until you get so creeped out that you back into your coffee table and break your tailbone. You may have the constitution of a particularly skittery meerkat, and a large hospital bill, but your hair-trigger startle response actually translates to great reflexes! That should come in handy playing Beat Saber from now on.

Escape the Backrooms

This indie horror game is based on a creepypasta and begins with you lost in a maze of identical rooms. Is there anything in the rooms? You won’t find out. The intro narration was in a kind of spooky voice and that was enough for you to bail. Why be immersed in a liminal space when you can be immersed in neon lights and pop music?

Blair Witch

This immersive, atmospheric addition to the Blair Witch franchise is the closest you’ll ever come to being in a forest. If you can’t handle the sound of a twig snapping in a video game you’re playing in the comfort of your own home, why the fuck would you ever go camping? Not that anyone’s going to invite you camping. Your friends stopped coming over for game night since you’re only interested in a single-player rhythm game that both drowns out conversation and makes you look silly. Nope, looks like it’s going to be another evening alone for you — and we all know what’s on the agenda.

Resident Evil 7

This one’s a favorite among people who bullied you in high school! You’re not any better with confrontation now than you were back then, but the good news is your rhythm has improved by almost 7% since you closed Resident Evil 7 in the first minute and never reopened it.

Phasmophobia

Don’t worry: Phasmophobia is a co-op game. You’ll never even have to sweat through the loading screen because no one would ever ask a coward to play with them. Enjoy your new Greatest Showman soundtrack pack with peace of mind.

Choleric Vision

Choleric Vision uses your heartbeat as a game mechanic. At least, it would if you had the heart of a human being, but while setting up this game you’ll find that your pulse registers as belonging to a hummingbird. Anyway, why use your headset to elevate storytelling when you can use it to cut colorful boxes in half with a glowing sword? You’re like a Jedi! Except that Jedis spend years training to conquer their fears, so you’re nothing like a Jedi.

Spider Simulator

This game recreates the actual room around you with just one catch: There is a photorealistic tarantula somewhere in the room and you have to find it before it finds you. Just kidding! This isn’t a real game. Can you imagine? You once called 911 to kill a house spider for you. If only you had a glowing sword to kill spiders with. Then they’d see. They’d all see.

VR Chat

No game designer in the world can ever match the heart pounding, sweat inducing, self-loathing triggering horror of an actual social interaction. The sound of a real person saying “hi” behind you will startle you so much you rip your headset off and throw it across the room. There goes $600 of gaming equipment and any chance of connecting with another human being! Yet somehow, you can still hear the music. The beat sabers on.

Desperate Smash Bros. Fan Resorts to Fighting Over Mario Kart Roster Inclusions

Posted on April 18, 2023 by Gabe Porter

GREENSBORO, N.C. — A fan of the Super Smash Bros. series has reportedly begun starting fights over the roster of the Mario Kart franchise due to the recent inclusion of Birdo, in an anguished attempt to relive erstwhile memories.

“Birdo sucks SO HARD! Nintendo should have chosen someone that us real fans have been clamoring for since the beginning of Mario Kart, like Geno or Crash Bandicoot,” Martino Jordan said in his latest YouTube video on his channel, MysticalMartino’s Gamez Lair. “I can’t believe people would actually pay for this blight against us. I mean, come on, ANOTHER Mario character? What obvious bias. Where is the love for classic video game characters that have been biding their time. Those who’ve been waiting for their rightful spot in Mario Kart, such as Lloyd Irving.”

Others are happy for the inclusion of the classic Mario character.

“Yeah, I was super excited to see Birdo!” Dianne Sebastian, local Nintendo fan, said. “I thought they were only going to add new courses, so having any new characters is just great. I remember playing as Birdo and Yoshi in Double Dash, they were my favorite. But when I retweeted the trailer saying how excited I was, this guy came from nowhere and started to insult me. He called me an idiot for being happy about it, saying that 2B or Alucard would’ve been much better inclusions. I just blocked him, but I think he has alt accounts because no more than a day later I got more replies telling me the same thing. I didn’t even play Nier Automata!”

We reached out to a Nintendo representative for comment on this issue.

“I swear to God, I have nothing to do with who gets into Mario Kart,” Masahiro Sakurai, renowned creator of Super Smash Bros. said. “I thought once I gave you freaks Sora you’d stop, but you’ll never stop do you? I’ll be walking into heaven and St. Peter’s going to try and get me to confirm Doom Slayer in Smash Bros. 100 or something. Every day is a living nightmare and I have you all to blame.”

At press time, Jordan has begun an online petition to try and convince Nintendo that Waluigi should be added into Mario Kart, again.

Dead Island 2 Cross Platform Guide: Is Dead Island 2 Cross Play?

Posted on April 18, 2023 by Parker Johnson

With Dead Island 2 just around the corner, many players may be wondering if the new Dead Island is cross play. The game will feature 4-player co-op, allowing them to explore Hell-A with 3 other friends. However, players might be a bit disappointed with the answer about Dead Island 2 cross platform play.

Will Dead Island 2 Have Crossplay?

Per an official tweet from the @deadislandgame account, Dead Island 2 will not be cross platform. This means that if you have an Xbox and your friends are on PlayStation, you’re out of luck if you want to play Dead Island 2 together with them. You’ll be relegated to playing with friends on the same console ecosystem as you. This is quite unfortunate news, especially in an age where nearly every game features crossplay as a standard feature. Right when other platforms like PlayStation gets Discord support, perfect for cross platform multiplayer, Dead Island 2 unfortunately doesn’t support this crossplay.

A sequel to 2011’s Dead Island, Dead Island 2 is a sequel more than a decade in the making. After years of development hell, the game is finally being released. The game has, however, gotten pretty middling reviews from critics as of the time of writing.

Despite the fact that it seems like the game connects to Epic Games servers, Dead Island 2 doesn’t have crossplay on those servers. It seems like the game could have utilized the same multiplayer infrastructure as Epic’s games like Rocket League or Fall Guys. Unfortunately, though, no cross platform multiplayer is present for Dead Island 2.

Dead Island 2 is set to be released on April 21, 2023 on PlayStation 4, Xbox One, PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X/S, and Epic Games Store. Playing some different open world games instead? Check out our guides on GTA Online!

Top 5 Foods to Cook on Your Steam Deck

Posted on April 17, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

The Steam Deck is one of the biggest breakthroughs in gaming hardware in years. As if it couldn’t do enough already, many have discovered the incredible temperatures the Linux based portable console is capable of reaching, making it one of the most sought after kitchen gadgets in years as well. Move over air fryers, the Steam Deck is backwards compatible with your refrigerator!

Here are the top 5 foods to cook on your Steam Deck.

#5 — Popcorn

When it’s time to turn off the Steam Deck and fire up a movie, go ahead and use it to pop your popcorn before you do! Just lay the bag on the system, fire up any triple a game, and in a few minutes you should have a delicious snack!

#4 — Top Ramen

Congratulations on affording a Steam Deck! If you were able to pull that off, odds are good that a fun new way to cook Ramen should be right up your alley. Be sure to put your Steam Deck in the freezer for 45 minutes after this to cool it off, otherwise it might get seriously damaged.

#3 — Veggie chicken sandwich on ciabatta w/provolone and greens

This is just what I had for lunch today. It turned out pretty good, but it took a really long time and didn’t heat the sandwich all the way through. More of a party trick than anything, but it definitely works!

#2 — Coffee

Now, the Steam Deck won’t actually BREW your coffee so maybe this is cheating a little bit, but do you know what? It takes a long time to cook a chicken sandwich on your Steam Deck, and I just don’t do it that often. What happens all day, however, is I leave a coffee sitting around and it cools down. Room temperature coffee is so gross, but if you just fire up your Steam Deck and plop your coffee on there, it will heat it up enough to give your morning coffee the recharge it needs!

#1 — Egg

This can get messy, so maybe don’t worry about frying eggs on your Steam Deck until you’ve been cooking on it for a while. However, the notion of a system that can play new games, retro games, run Linux, and cook your breakfast? Well, needless to say, the Switch is officially dead.

5 Characters Who Got Cut From Our ‘8 Characters Who Got Cut From Smash Bros.’ List

Posted on April 17, 2023 by Kevin Podas

The roster of fighters in the Super Smash Bros. games is extensive, and only increases with each subsequent release. During development, contract negotiations, and more, it’s understandable that some characters would be left on the cutting room floor.

The exact same goes for our “Characters Who Got Cut From Smash Bros.” list. It’s hard making lists, and sometimes you just can’t quite fit everything in there. Here are 5 characters who got cut from our 8 Characters Who Got Cut From Smash Bros. list.

#5 – Geno

We hear you loud and clear, and we’re right there with you — not including Super Mario RPG’s one-off character Geno in Super Smash Bros. is nothing short of a civil injustice. And not including him in our list of characters who got cut was an even bigger injustice. Sorry about that.

#4 – Mike Jones

So there was a game called Star Tropics on the NES, the main character was a kid named Mike Jones, and a lot of people really, really wanted him in Smash Bros. and were really, really mad we didn’t include him in our first list. It’s not our fucking fault Nintendo barely promoted this game and most of us didn’t remember what it was, so, here he is. Now get off our backs.

#3 – Captain Syrup

A lot of commenters were… very vocal in letting us know that Wario has a rival named “Captain Syrup” and that she should have been in our Smash Bros. list. Literally none of us have a clue who this is, so why would they even think of including her in the game? Use your brains: Sakurai doesn’t give a FUCK about Captain Syrup.

#2 – Fawful

We all have our “wildcard character picks,” and while we agree it would have been awesome if Fawful were included in Super Smash Bros., we’d be deluding ourselves to think that he was considered at any point during development. Like Geno, he’s a character tied exclusively to a Mario RPG series, and a dead one at that, but out of respect for his hopes and dreams and fans’ complaints, we’ll include him here.

#1 – Boogerman

We genuinely meant to include Boogerman before and we sincerely apologize for letting that fall through the cracks. We promise to hold ourselves accountable and do better from now on.

And there you have it: every character who got cut from our cut characters list. Unless any angry commenters want to let us know that we forgot anyone else, in which case, we’ll release our definitive list of cut characters who got cut from our cut characters cut characters list.

Film Executive Has Idea of Lifetime: “We Should Make John Wick 5”

Posted on April 17, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — An executive at Lionsgate Films was struck with the creative revelation of a lifetime this weekend, when the idea of John Wick 5 occurred to him suddenly.

“Holy shit, nothing like this has ever happened before,” said Eric Snyder, who’s been an executive at Lionsgate for several years. “Most of my ideas are hot dogshit, but people under me have to pretend they’re good, and their implementation often contributes to the lower quality of the finished project. That’s what being an executive is all about. This time is different though, this one is actually a great idea. I just have this feeling that if we made a John Wick 5 it would do really well.”

The inspiration struck when the executive was spending the weekend on his yacht, receiving updates about John Wick 4’s continued strong performance at the box office.

“He was just standing there one minute, dipping a 100 dollar bill into honey before he put it on his fishing hook, just normal weekend stuff,” said Monica Snyder, Eric’s wife. “Then all the sudden he dropped to his knees and said, ‘Eureka! I’ve done it!’ At this point, he got behind the wheel and got us home faster than I realized that big boat could go. When we got back, he was so excited he couldn’t sleep, he just got out his crayons and art stuff and started drawing up logos for John Wick 5.”

Upon waking Sunday morning, Snyder sent a company wide email that he had a game-changing idea to share with them in a mandatory meeting the next day.

“Whoa, I’ve been in this business a long time, and I can tell you that this guy has what it takes,” said John Wick star and co-executive producer Keanu Reeves, upon leaving today’s brief pitch meeting that gathered the cast and crew of the films as well as fellow studio executives. “Making movies is all about connecting with audiences, and showing them stories and characters they love. Eric’s idea to keep John Wick going is an incredible opportunity to do just that. I’m so glad to be working with people that are passionate about telling stories.”

As of press time, Snyder was promoted to head executive after suggesting a price hike to the Peacock streaming service that hosts the John Wick films.

Nintendo Concerned That Mario Movie Sequel Will Be Too Challenging for Western Audiences

Posted on April 16, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

KYOTO, Japan — Executives at Nintendo are concerned that the planned sequel for The Super Mario Bros. Movie will prove too difficult for American and European theater-goers, sources close to the matter reported.

“As this is a direct continuation of the first movie, we wanted to reward those viewers who had become very good at watching it,” said Shigeru Miyamoto, creator of Mario. “Those audience members have already mastered the film and need something more to keep them interested. We have already begun work on the sequel film, but if we release it in the U.S. at all, maybe we’ll just call it The Super Mario Bros.: The Lost Scenes.”

Producers at Illumination, Nintendo’s partner in making the animated film series, expressed concerns about the content of the proposed sequel.

“I saw the storyboards and just vomited,” said Chris Meledandri, CEO of Illumination. “I felt like I was being punished for not being a big enough Mario fan to appreciate the content on the screen. The rest of our creative team felt the same, and we agreed that this wasn’t the direction we wanted to go with the series. We’re just gonna take the script we had for the next Despicable Me movie and change the names.”

Hardcore Mario fans in America have expressed their displeasure with the plan to keep the intended sequel exclusive to Japan.

“It’s absolute bullshit. I’m gonna have to track down some shitty fan translation,” said Dan Matthews, who said that he had been unsuccessfully using Duolingo to learn Japanese. “Either that or I’ll have to wait 25 years for Nintendo to release it in the states. They’ll probably charge full price for it, too, and I’ll have no choice but to pay for it. It’s so anti-consumer.”

At press time, sources reported that Nintendo had reviewed Illumination’s script and was already making plans to include Minions in the Mario series going forward.

Great Deku Tree Heard Asking Child to Walk Into His Mouth

Posted on April 16, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

KOKIRI FOREST — The Great Deku Tree, the political and religious leader of the Kokiri, was recently caught on a microphone asking a young boy to walk into his open mouth.

“The Great Deku Tree apologizes for any pain that his well-intentioned joke may have caused,” said Mido, the tree’s spokesperson. “He has a lively sense of humor and often teases people in this way. His request for the child to enter his mouth and destroy the evil parasite inside him was not meant to be taken seriously.”

Despite this apology, many following the story say they don’t accept the Deku Tree’s explanation.

“You don’t just wake up one day and ask a kid to march into your mouth,” said Danton Swordson, who shared that the video footage of the incident had made him sick. “That’s something he must have been holding inside for decades. Or maybe he’s been having kids fight monsters and open locked chests inside of him all this time, and this is just the first time he got caught. That would explain why he tried to bribe the kid with an emerald.”

Some experts on Kokiri culture argue that the Great Deku Tree was simply using a common forest expression that is not intended literally.

“Asking a minor to climb around inside of you might sound strange to us, but to the Kokiri, it’s well understood to be a good thing,” said Tingle, Hyrule’s foremost authority on forest culture. “Actually, it’s considered to be a blessing. Kokiri often greet each other with wide open mouths, an implied invitation to walk right in. Besides, that kid might be a minor now, but how do you know he’s not gonna fall asleep and wake up a full grown adult? Huh?”

At press time, similar reports had emerged surrounding Zora deity Lord Jabu Jabu.