Following months of playing Street Fighter 6 and taking two kickboxing classes at a gym before I was asked not to return, I’ve been wondering lately how I might stack up in real life were I to find myself toe-to-toe with the roster of my new favorite fighting game. Here’s my honest assessment of how I would stack up in combat against each character, ranked by how quickly I would be beaten senseless by them!

19. Luke – 34 seconds

Would undoubtedly be quicker, but I am able to tell a quick joke that makes Luke laugh for a second instead of pummel me. As I approach my laughing opponent to try and strike him, he proceeds to punch me in the stomach so hard that I fall asleep standing up. Everyone in attendance agrees they’ve never seen anything like it.

18. Jamie – 32 seconds

This guy’s taking drinks, so I’d underestimate him, and I think that’s part of the whole point of that Drunken Master stuff. I know that, and still I fall for it. Jamie’s style is a real crowd pleaser, so this is the physical assault most likely to gather a cheering audience. I think Jamie would milk it for a few extra seconds before I threw up all over myself and ruined everyone’s fun.

17. Kimberly – 31 seconds

Though it’s one of the longest, this is actually one of the more embarrassing ass beatings I would endure at the hands of the Street Fighter 6 roster. Sure, getting shredded in less than ten seconds by JP is a bummer, but at least it’s over that much quicker. The way Kimberly just has so much fun throwing me a beating though, dancing to music, spray painting me and shit. Just knock me out, will ya?

16. Blanka – 24 seconds 

Okay, I don’t want this to come off the wrong way or be insensitive, but I’m usually pretty good with animals? Is that okay to say here? I think I could talk nice to Blanka for a little bit before he got mad and tore my face off. Yikes. Hopefully he just electrocutes me for a while and calls it good once it inevitably goes south. 

15. Cammy – 20 seconds

I’m not sure why, but I have a gut feeling if I stood there for a second at the beginning and pretended I knew how to fight, Cammy might size me up for a moment or two, prolonging the inevitable thrashing I will receive. Before she can size me up fully, I lunge for one of her shins, betraying everything I had planned to do moments before the fight. It really shows that I don’t know what I’m doing, and Cammy proceeds to beat my ass.

14. Guile – 18 Seconds

It’s not that Guile would need the full 18 seconds to knock my dick in the dirt, it’s just that he seems like a nice guy so I bet he’d spend a good five to ten seconds shrugging and asking the ref if everybody involved was serious. Then I’d slap him while he was talking to the ref and he’d proceed to stomp me out like I was on fire. Oh yeah, I’m fighting dirty in these by the way. It’s Street Fighter people. What would you have me do?

13. Zangief – 15 seconds

Zangief is a really nice guy, so while I desperately swing for his groin area, he ponders the most civil way to dispatch an opponent as outmatched as me. Eventually he decides a simple rear naked chokehold should do the trick, except he underestimates my pitiful defense and bone strength and puts me down for good. Zangief kills me. 

12. Juri – 13 seconds

Technically, the knockout comes several seconds before the 13-second mark, but Juri finishes her combo and continues knocking my lifeless body around for a little while longer than she really has to. Those seconds count against you, Juri!

11. Dee Jay – 10 seconds

I don’t feel great about it, but I would probably taunt Dee Jay about the quality of his music, prompting a one or two punch knockout. Maybe a kick or two thrown in there. Because of my remarks. Of all of my beatings, this is one of the more impassioned ones.

10. Ken – 8 seconds

With a lot of these guys that have been around for so long, there’s a bit of a star power factor that just makes this “fight” even more unfair. I can barely process that I’m fighting Ken from Street Fighter II, let alone mount a proper defense for his iconic moves. One or two hits and I’m done here. Straight up. 

9. JP – 7 seconds

JP gets to rough my ass up with a cane. How is that fair? His swiftness and increased range mean he’d certainly be wailing on me before I was even through my first quip about his old age. We’re ranking by time here, but just for the record, this would certainly be one of the most savage beatings I endured!

8. Ryu – 6 seconds

This whole thing isn’t very honorable, so Ryu wouldn’t be thrilled with that, but once it sinks in that this is a real fight like any of his other matchups, he’ll just lay me out with a nice kick to the head and send me to sleep for a couple of hours. Quick and humane. Goodnight everyone!

7. Lily – 5.5 Seconds

Oof, this is my fight with JP all over again, except she’s much younger and has two weapons! I think I’d straight up rather get swept up in a tornado than fight this little girl with her two paddles. As for the fight, I think I’d try to run away here at first, and that’s why this is at a five seconds instead of just the one or two.

6. Manon – 5 seconds

It’s not cool at all, but I would go on the offensive here, coming out screaming and running right at Manon, hoping to feign some sort of aptitude at fighting. It doesn’t work, and she does a judo takedown on me, the combination of her strength and my momentum lodging me into the ground like a cartoon character that had been in an explosion. Several bystanders will band together afterwards to pull me out of the ground. 

5. Marisa – 4.5 seconds

Marisa would snap me in two and keep the half she liked best.

4. Rashid – 4 Seconds

Okay, so obviously this list is just a bunch of two legged people in an ass kicking contest, but Rashid has the power of wind, too? That’s gonna help in a lot of events where every second counts, like beating the shit out of me, for example.

3. Chun Li – 3 seconds

Chun Li would have a lot of rage to let out on me, due to all the years of sexual objectification. I’m a pretty unassuming looking white guy, so I have a target on my back the size of my entire back. The beating administered to me will be swift and without mercy. Ouch!

2. E Honda – 2 seconds

This is just how long it would take him to physically reach me. And then I’ll never be seen again.

1. Dhalsim – 0.5 second

Dhalsim’s long arm smashes my face like that Pantera album cover before I know what’s even happened. On the bright side, he won’t get on top of me and pummel me like a lot of these other guys did. Dhalsim’s pretty peaceful, despite knocking me on my ass quicker than anybody else.