TOKYO — Game Freak revealed today in a press release that the in-game items in Pokémon known as “Poké Dolls” are actually canonically taxidermies.
“Yes, of course. People didn’t know this? The Poké Dolls in every Pokémon game are taxidermies — dead Pokémon that were preserved with stuffing for display. Every time you use a Poké Doll, you’re using a Pokémon that was once a living, breathing creature. Many of them were close friends with trainers, even!” said Pokémon creator Satoshi Tajiri. “I’m honestly surprised that people didn’t realize this. What, did you think someone just made a doll from thin air? No, they take the carcasses of dead Pokémon — often the ones you’ve defeated in battle, but could not be revived — and stuff them into what your character uses. Why did you think that they help you escape a battle? Because they’re cute? No, they’re really really creepy and weird! That’s the whole point.”
Fans of the series were upset by the announcement.
“Why did they have to reveal this? I don’t want to have an item that’s a dead Pokémon. What the fuck?” asked one Redditor. “How come every time Game Freak shows up with some big announcement about the games, it’s some insane shit that no one wants. Why couldn’t they announce something like a Pokémon MMO or even just a game that has voice acting in it. Instead, it’s always something like, ‘hey by the way, the series you’ve loved your entire life is kind of a horror if you think about it.’ I don’t want to think about that! I just want the games to keep getting better and I want to post drawings I’ve made of the characters online and that’s IT.”
At press time, Game Freak also revealed that, while none of the trainers you battle with are literally dead, most of them are dead inside.
Arizona is just straight up one of the fire levels from a Mario game, so it makes sense that the most iconic video game character of all time would hold a little more appeal there. We’ll probably see the same thing when the first few states go underwater.
The state of Kansas was born from the conflict known as Bleeding Kansas, and since those days, Doom Guy has always been a sort of icon for its people. Because who is John Brown if not the Doom Guy of his time? And no, they don’t say “Doom Slayer.”
This former SEGA mascot has proven so popular in the urban lore of The Bayou that the locals make a pretty penny on tourists by way of their ‘Ecco tours.’ That’s not Ecco the Dolphin that guy shined a flashlight on over there. That’s just a really big catfish.
You won’t believe me, but they’re still really into Duke Nukem in Maine. It’s the weirdest thing. They think he’s so funny. What’s going on, Maine?
The Half-Life games are masterpieces through and through, but we suspect the reason Gordon pulls ahead of the pack in Maryland is the escapism evident in the most plain, normal looking guy you’ve ever seen given some interruptions to his boring life. Keep dreaming, Maryland.
Early testers found the accurate build times to be “tedious” and “difficult to complete without being shot”
Epic has confirmed that not only are they working on Fortnite 2, but they are taking a page from industry leaders Blizzard’s recent work on Overwatch 2, and have pledged to fuck up every part of Fortnite that people love, and delist the beloved original as soon as they can.
You might not realize it if you haven’t played the game, but these Fortnite fans can be seen all over the place, practicing their building. Often during peak business hours!
A shocking new study reports that while 99% of today’s adolescents are familiar with and have V-Bucks, an astounding 80% of them have never used paper money. Some experts believe the V-Buck will replace the Actual Buck by 2030.
“Put that shit in my veins!” said the Raging Bull director, when asked if rumors were true that he enjoyed the popular Battle Royale title.
In fact, it recently inspired the ‘Drain your parents’ savings account’ trend on TikTok
Almost certainly, right? I mean, I didn’t look this up, but they’re making a Hot Wheels and Magic 8-Ball movies. So yeah, they’re definitely working on some Fortnite movie somewhere.
A violent street gang was recently apprehended after a series of shootings only after they were discovered dancing in unison a few blocks away. Their moves identified them as Fortnite players. I didn’t click the link or anything, but the fact that it might be true says a lot, doesn’t it?
In addition to wild premieres and rocking showcases, Epic Games also controversially once reenacted the assassination of John F. Kennedy in the streets of Misty Meadows in a live event they’ve since heavily apologized for, despite being positively received by a majority of the players that entered the sniping competition. 
This is what caused the game to flood for a while back in 2020.
In order to inject some life into the long running game, expect familiar locales like Slappy Shores and Frenzy Fields to be replaced by locations such as Queens and The Bronx!
Tim Sweeney has hinted at future collaborations with popular artists, musicians, filmmakers, and that Twitch streamer that showed everyone his dick the other day.
While still unconfirmed, most authorities agree that the recent tragedy involving a stolen school bus going over a cliff’s edge was almost certainly an ill-fated attempt at recreating Fortnite’s famed Battle Bus. An admirable attempt, but sadly the parachute did not work as portrayed in the game. A tragic, tragic loss. Hard Drive sends their condolences to the 99 grieving families, and our congratulations to the one boy that miraculously survived. 