Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

‘Five Night’s at Freddy’s’ Stream Horrified By Surprise Jumpscare

Posted on August 18, 2023 by Camden Brazile

CINCINNATI, Ohio — The audience of popular Twitch Streamer IShowSpeed was reportedly frightened today by a sudden object flying out of nowhere during the horror gameplay.

“I was just sitting there watching my favorite streamer play some live Five Nights at Freddy’s, when all of a sudden, boom, something unexpected jumped out toward the screen,” said Twitch subscriber Eric Mathew. “It was a pretty calm stream, so I wasn’t expecting something so scary to just suddenly fly out toward my face like that. It was terrifying, I thought it was coming right at me.”

The streamer, Derrick Watkins, also known as IShowSpeed, expressed his surprise at the unforeseen scare.

“It was just as shocking to me as it was to everyone else, you can never get too comfortable playing one of those games, especially if you’re in nothing but boxers,” Watkins said. “When you’re playing horror games on stream, it can be easy to forget you’re not the only person there. Broadcasting live to thousands of people. But when you see all the comments pour in after a scare like that, you know your surprise isn’t alone.”

At press time, sources reported that IShowSpeed’s Twitch account was jumpscared by a sudden DMCA takedown

Madden 24 Pre-Order Bonus Guide: How to Claim & Use

Posted on August 17, 2023 by Parker Johnson

Trying to figure out how to claim your Madden 24 pre-order bonus? Luckily, you aren’t alone. As is common with many video games in the current landscape (especially sports games), players who pre-order a game are rewarded with some kind of bonus.

Of course, the latest Madden is no exception to this. Players who pre-ordered the game can get some light boosters to accelerate their experience. Here’s what you need to know about the Madden 24 pre-order bonus, including how to claim & use it.

How to Get the Madden 24 Pre-Order Bonus

The standard edition of the game comes with the following pre-order items:

Josh Allen Elite Player Item
Choice of 2 Strategy Items
NFL Marble Bills Gear

To claim it, the first thing you’ll want to do is ensure that you’re logged into your EA account. If your top-right logo says “Sign Into EA Account,” you’ll still need to log in to your account. Press R2 or your platform’s equivalent to sign in to your EA account.

After you have ensured that you’re signed in, to claim the MUT Madden 24 pre-order bonus, you’ll need to go to your notifications. The easiest way to do this is to press the button shown next to your username (on PlayStation, it’s the touchpad). This menu should show you the items you’ve received. For example, for the Josh Allen Elite Player & Strategy Items, the notification will read “You’ve unlocked a MUT item!”

For the Marble Bills gear, just create or load your superstar and go to “My Superstar,” then “Edit My Superstar.” If a red dot is shown, your gear is there. It’s also worth noting that for each of these I had to restart my game on the home screen three times. If your items aren’t appearing,

That’s all you need to know about how to claim your pre-order bonus in Madden 24! Now, get out on the field and grind your chosen mode until the inevitable next game comes out. If you’re scouting around for a team, though, check out our guides on the best quarterbacks to find your guy to build a franchise around.

How to Play Dark & Darker: Where to Buy & Download

Posted on August 17, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Want to know how to play Dark & Darker? Dark and Darker was a sleeper hit after its original alpha and beta playtests late last year. Controversy struck in early 2023, with Nexon claiming copyright infringement against the developers Ironmace, leading to the game being delisted from Steam, and from being potentially listed at all on any of the other heavy hitters in the digital distribution business. With the official release of Dark and Darker on August 7th, you might be wondering how to go about getting your hands on the game. This guide will list the currently available avenues for purchasing and playing the game.

Where Can You Buy Dark And Darker?

Dark and Darker is PC exclusive at this time, and while not currently listed on Steam, Epic Games, or GOG, it can be bought directly from the official website of the developer, Ironmace. The shop lists the game in two editions: Standard Edition with just the game and some in-game currency for $35, and Founder’s Edition: Hold The Line with the same as well as some exclusive unlocks and emotes for $50. Registration with email verification is necessary for completing the purchase. Additionally, it requires an account with Xsolla, which handles payment processing.

Alternatively, Chaf Games also lists the game at the same prices for each edition. While Chaf Games is officially a subscription-model based gaming platform with a fairly large catalogue, it is also serving as a digital distribution storefront for Dark and Darker in particular. Once again, registration with email verification is necessary, but no additional steps are required.

How To Play Dark And Darker On PC

If you buy the game directly from Ironmace’s website, the developer also has its own launcher, dubbed Blacksmith, that must be downloaded in order to run the game.

Chaf Games has its own desktop app as well, which must be downloaded to run the game. The subscription-model catalogue of other games is available for an additional monthly fee of $6.99 per month. It should be noted that the subscription model alone does NOT include Dark and Darker yet.

That’s all there is to know about how to buy and play Ironmace’s freshman hit Dark and Darker. Check out our coverage of other upcoming releases, Bomb Rush Cyberfunk and Armored Core 6: Fires of Rubicon.

Batman Villains Ranked by How Much I’d Like Them to Give a Speech at My Wedding

Posted on August 16, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

I’m sick of talking about the best Batman actor or movie. Which one do you think would give the best speech at a wedding? Man, what a great question. I’m already married, so this is merely a thought exercise, but please don’t mind if I wonder about it for the next few minutes here. For the purposes of the subsequent piece, I’m thinking they wander in and someone gave them a microphone. More of a Bill Murray situation than like, Scarecrow is my best man, you know? Anyway, here’s a ranking of Batman villains based on how well I think they’d do on my big day.

Man-Bat

Look, I don’t know who gave Man-Bat a microphone, but it’s an absolutely terrible idea. I’m not sure he can speak, and my mother would almost certainly be in hysterics. It’d be a win if he doesn’t hurt anybody. Never a good thing to say about someone as far as their speeches go

Penguin

I can just see it now: Penguin tries to get through a speech, gets a little flustered, then just lets my whole fucking family have it with some gas that’ll knock them out. My wife’s family, too. No one likes public speaking, Penguin. No reason to knock everybody out. Now the timing is all messed up for the rest of the evening cuz everyone was unconscious for 40 minutes.

Bane

Bane’s gonna bring the room down, there’s just no way around it. He’s in a really tough spot, because even if he said something very kind, you’d think he was just being sarcastic or waiting to deliver some threat at the end. Oh god, Bane is telling me I’m about to embark on a journey that will last my entire life. Is he going to break my neck?

Killer Croc

Similar territory to Man-Bat here, but I don’t know, I trust Killer Croc a little more. I think he’d make an effort, put on a suit, and maybe spoil the moment by reading a joke he found on the internet that he didn’t realize was racist. It’s okay, Killer Croc. It’s not your fault.

Catwoman

I don’t care how funny or well-delivered her speech is, there’s almost zero chance Catwoman doesn’t make it weird by being overly seductive the whole time. Read the room, Catwoman. My grandparents are here.

Poison Ivy

Poison Ivy is probably going to be some combination of preachy, lovesick, and drunk. She’d admonish the crowd for all of the plants they killed to make the arrangements and then start crying about how beautiful everybody looked before ending the speech abruptly. Hopefully the night ends with her singing with the band and not trying to fight everyone.

Mr. Freeze

Mr. Freeze is going to do two things: insist on turning the temperature down in the reception hall, and getting emotional about his dead frozen wife or whatever her deal was. You might get a “cold feet” pun or something out of him, but by the end of the speech, I bet he’s brought everybody down.

Scarecrow

“I can see what Mark’s biggest fear is, his in-laws coming to visit on Super Bowl weekend!” I think if Scarecrow was a sport about it, he could deliver a great wedding speech. Hopefully he doesn’t make my aunts and uncles think there’s bugs crawling all over them or anything like that.

Joker

This is kind of a tough one, because who knows if it’s gonna be a fun Cesar Romero Joker or a darker Heath Ledger type. I do believe regardless of intent, the speech itself is the kind of thing Joker would kill. He’d be self-deprecating, sneak in some cracks about the local commissioner everyone hates, and he might even pretend like he was stealing a steak knife off of someone’s plate as a gag. Whether he goes on a kill-crazy rampage afterwards or not is really tough to say, however. But you bet your ass the speech would be good.

Two-Face

I think Two-Face would do a great job. He’s got a history of public speaking, never hesitates to dress up, and could do a really great bit where he’s pacing back and forth and sort of doing a good cop/bad cop deal about the pros and cons of marriage. You old dog, Two-Face. You only got one heart, but we all know it’s huge.

Riddler

Everyone’s gonna love The Riddler! He’d tell funny little jokes about why I’m gonna be a bad husband or how my wife could’ve done better or something. Then all of the punchlines of all of his zingers would connect to some larger message about love and happiness and finding the right person to spend the rest of your life with. Everyone will be thrilled with The Riddler’s speech until they realize their wallets were stolen by his henchman while it happened.

Tutorial NPC With Social Anxiety Assumes Everyone’s Gonna Skip Her Dialogue So Why Bother

Posted on August 16, 2023 by Naomi Krause

THE NETHERHELM — Local tutorial NPC Tanya reportedly didn’t want to give her dialogue on account of everyone probably just skipping her dialogue anyway, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Yeah, you can open up your menu or whatever with the triangle button to select a spell. I dunno. No one ever listens to me anyway. This is so dumb,” Tanya said to a supposed Chosen One, awkwardly kicking a rock around with a boot that was laced up to her inner thigh. “You’re probably not even hearing what I’m saying right now. Just the first few of every sentence. Nobody listens to me, nobody cares. It’s alright, I’m used to it, I guess. When I was a kid— But my parents— And I didn’t— 300 times! Like are— That’s why— The Galinseck army will attack by dawn. I just hope you’re ready.”

The Chosen One, a plucky young boy named Kevin, said the interaction made him uncomfortable.

“I wouldn’t skip her dialogue if she wasn’t so weird about it. But like, once she starts getting into this whole sob story about how she’s an introvert and doesn’t know why anyone talks to her at all and blah blah blah,” Kevin explained nonverbally through a series of shrugs and head-nods. “And so I try to get the gist of each sentence and then I skip ahead. But it always ends up screwing me over. Because now I have no idea how to upgrade all my skills and there’s a lot of them.”

At press time, was seen awkwardly heading out of the local village without saying goodbye to anyone.

Cuphead Bosses Ranked by How Well They Would Handle Meeting My Parents

Posted on August 16, 2023 by Cameron Snow

Cuphead is known for how ridiculously difficult its boss fights are. But what if we put every boss in a ridiculously difficult situation? Ya know, give ‘em a little taste of their own medicine? Here’s every boss in Cuphead ranked by how good of a first impression they’d make on my parents.

And to be clear, for each boss, it is to be assumed that I’ve been dating them for 4 months, and that my parents don’t know anything about them beforehand.

#35: Chef Saltbaker

There simply wouldn’t be time for my parents to form an opinion of Chef Saltbaker, as he would kill all of us and eat our souls immediately.

#34: Beppi the Clown

From the mere moment Beppi waltzes in, my parents would be screaming for their lives. He’d walk around the house like he owns the damn place, probably hop on the table and start dancing, all while not acknowledging any of the stern warnings my parents give him. Beppi doesn’t give a flying fuck.

#33: Mr. Chimes

You aren’t even worth my damn time, Mr. Chimes. Go reflect, and maybe learn to do anything other than banging those annoying ass cymbals all the time.

#32: Glumstone the Giant

Glumstone would burn my house down. I don’t think this guy cares about anything but spreading terror and sadness and destruction.

#31: Phantom Express

“Mom, dad, I’d like you to meet the evil train chock-full of ghouls and skeletons I’ve been dating.” There’s not many ways this could go too well.

#30: Sally Stageplay

After all the janky high school theatre productions I made them go to, I don’t think my parents could resist beating Sally Stageplay to death immediately upon seeing her.

#29: Werner Werman

I’m trying hard to imagine a scenario where this guy doesn’t get eaten alive by our dogs before he can even step foot into the house. I’m sorry Werner, but dude, you’re fucked.

#28: King Dice

I get the feeling we would have to meet in a neutral setting for this one, like a coffee shop. Something just tells me my parents already knew King Dice long ago, but haven’t seen him in decades. My parents would feign politeness to King Dice to please me, but I’d pick up on the tension in the air fairly quickly. How did they know each other? What do they know that I don’t? I don’t think these questions will ever be answered.

#27: Hopus Pocus

Hopus Pocus would charm the shit out of my parents. I mean, who doesn’t love magic tricks? He’d keep us entertained all night, and after he left, we’d look around and realize that he stole every last piece of furniture in our home.

#26: Pip and Dot

My dad would love Dot, but hate Pip, while my mom would love Pip, but hate Dot. This would start as a playful disagreement, but ultimately result in a really heated argument where items get thrown. Pip, Dot, and I would just have to hang out in my childhood bedroom until it’s all over.

#25: Chips Bettigan

Chips Bettigan would kill any sort of pre-existing vibe, and I’m not even sure he’d give a shit about meeting my parents. He’d just raid our fridge and leave.

#24: Mr. Wheezy

Aw, I just know Mr. Wheezy would be so nervous. I’d calm him down and reassure him that my parents are chill and I know he’s going to do great. Then we’d enter and he’d accidentally knock over a vase and run away, never to be seen again.

#23: Hilda Berg

Hilda Berg would do great at first, until she has one awkward interaction with my dad and then turns into the fucking moon in my living room.

#22: Djimmi The Great

This guy is almost too cool. Look at that dope ass sherlock pipe! But my parents would just keep asking him to grant their wishes, and I’m not sure Djimmi would like being bombarded with demands like that. So even though it isn’t exactly his fault, Djimmi’s going to have to be low on the list. Sorry!

#21: Ribby and Croaks

My parents would be so excited to determine what exact species of frog Ribby and Croaks are. Then, as my parents are distracted – and since they’re somehow able to do this – Ribby and Croaks would morph into a slot machine, and give both my parents a gambling addiction. Classic hook, line, and sinker.

#20: Mangosteen

I can’t shake the feeling that he’d just keep asking my parents weird, uncomfortable questions though. Like he’d probably try to make them cry, like the sadistic fuck he is. What a terrible presence. Fuck you, Mangosteen.

#19: Esther Winchester

Esther never stops smiling. Even when her entire body turns into sausage links. That has to be unbelievably painful, right? For all of your body and internal organs to just turn into sausage links? You have to be a sick fuck to smile through all of that. My parents would be very disturbed.

#18: Baroness Von Bon Bon

It’d probably go fine if not for the fact that Bon Bon would probably bring her whole gaggle of numskulls and goofs with her too. Isn’t she some kind of royalty? I don’t even know why she hangs out with those weirdo fucks.

#17: Mortimer Freeze

He’s pretty chill, and seems like a perfectly decent person, but he wouldn’t really make a lasting impact. He just needs to do his own thing. There’s already the Ice King from Adventure Time, and that Snow Miser guy too. C’mon Mortimer, you’re like the 34th most significant cartoon guy with ice powers.

#16: Phear Lap

The most interesting thing about this guy is that he wears a green visor, and once he milks that for 5 minutes of conversation, he literally has nothing else to offer.

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“No Girls Allowed” — Everything We Know About the New Call of Duty

Posted on August 16, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

As autumn approaches, gamers are beginning to anticipate this year’s Call of Duty installment. While details are scarce, here’s everything we know about it so far.

You have to buy it

Due to a rather confusing ruling in the lawsuit between the Federal Trade Commission and Microsoft concerning their proposed acquisition of Activision, a judge has recently ordered that every gamer HAS to buy the new Call of Duty game for full price. The system doesn’t work, folks.

There will be DLC

Activision has confirmed a massive DLC dropping one year after release. It will cost $60 and is called ‘Modern Warfare 4’

It will feature ‘WWF Warzone’ mode

An exciting new feature will see this classic 1998 pro wrestling game available as a special feature for players subscribed to the Battle Pass. And that’s the bottom line, because Stone Cold said so!

Expanded level types

In addition to the action-packed campaign players have come to expect, the new Call of Duty will also feature some pedestrian missions, like heavily arming yourself before you enter a Dairy Queen and asking children at the grocery store if those are their parents that they’re with.

The guns go PEW PEW PEW

PEWPEWPEWPEW BAKAKAKAKAKA EEEUGHHH

The maps will be extremely realistic

Sorry if you live in Ukraine or whatever, but this shit looks just like how your city looks now!!! That’s crazy

Introducing new ‘Fantasy Draft Mode’

Taking a page from NBA2K23’s MyNBA Eras mode, players will serve as the Secretary of Defense in either the Vietnam or World War II era and see if they can successfully draft an Army that will survive history’s greatest battles.

No girls allowed to play

Sorry, ladies!

Vastly improved audio quality

Taking advantage of state of the art sound technology, Activision has added dying soldier’s crying for their mothers in full 7.1 surround sound. It’s a real god damn bummer.

Expect lots of product placement

A bizarre advertising deal will result in health pickups being replaced with ice cold cans of Diet Pepsi.

You can take your anger out on the game

If you have a lot of anger in your real life and fantasize about violence, Activision wants you to know that the new Call of Duty is the perfect vehicle for you to act out these feelings with photorealism.

It won’t be political

The next Call of Duty refuses to include any politics at all. You’re just a random American country shooting at random Middle Eastern enemies who want, more than nothing, to destroy your precious freedom.

It will take 4,587 hours to unlock all of the good guns

Or $500.

Players can be banned for language

Activision has made it clear they have a zero tolerance policy for any player not using racial slurs.

It will have skill-based matchmaking

And you’re still gonna get absolutely rocked by a child in it, sorry

It will never be as good as Halo 3

This is just objectively true and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.

There are somewhere between 1 and 70,000 guns available

Just a ballpark figure, but this is a pretty safe bet.

Everyone in Korea is already good at it

Despite the game not releasing yet, the Call of Duty team has confirmed that every single citizen of South Korea has mastered the game better than you ever will

The message of the campaign is that war is bad despite the message of the gameplay being war is crazy fun and epic

Feels like a bit of a mixed message

You can shoot a rocket launcher in it

Let’s goo!!!!!!!!

McDonald’s Near Convention Center Serves as Stark Reminder of Outside World

Posted on August 16, 2023 by Kevin Podas

ROSEMONT, Ill. — After attending several voice actor panels and spending a significant amount of time browsing the exhibit hall while having his photo taken, cosplayer Steve Eldridge stepped away from the Donald E Stephens Convention Center to grab a bite to eat at a local McDonald’s, which only served to act as a stark reminder of the outside world.

“For one weekend and one weekend only, I get to be Sora from Kingdom Hearts,” said Eldridge. “I got the spiky wig, the big boots, and a 1:1 replica of his iconic Keyblade. I hear people call out, ‘hey Sora!’ I turn around– yeah, that’s right. They’re talking to me. They gather around to take photos of me, with me, you name it. In there, I’m a god. But here in McDonald’s, I’m just a guy with too many zippers who ordered the Big Breakfast 30 minutes too late. It’s humbling, honestly.”

Staff at the McDonalds location outside of the convention center said they are prepared to handle run-off from large events.

“I been at this location for 36 years. Trust me, we make sure we got enough staff when this kinda stuff happens,” explained store manager Pat Larson. “Times change, though. Used to be we’d get a bunch of quiet guys dressed up in Star Trek too afraid to make a mess in here. Now we got a buncha people dressed up like Neon-Genesis-whatever singin’ about somethin’ called ‘Caramelldansen’. I don’t care though, so long as they buy some food and nobody pokes my eye out with a rubber sword.”

Not everyone from the convention was able to handle the disparity between reality and hobby quite so well.

“It honestly threw me off my game a little when I tried to order and the lady couldn’t hear me behind my mask,” said Luke Hanson. “It’s like, does nobody here know who Kakashi Hatake is from Naruto? It’s too bad there isn’t anywhere else to eat besides the one McDonald’s, honestly. Now I’m walking around the convention hall and nobody wants to take a picture of me because I had to be reminded of the cruel, outside world. And no, I don’t think it has anything to do with the fact that I forgot to pack my deodorant this weekend, either.”

At press time, workers at McDonalds were just pleased to see customers dressed up in colorful uniforms and outfits for a change.

Comic Book Character Says “Bollocks” Every Once in a While so You Don’t Forget He’s English

Posted on August 15, 2023 by Sean Fallon

LONDON — Comic writer Mark Walker makes sure to have his English character says “bollocks” now and then to make sure the readers know he’s English.

“How else would they know?” said Walker, the current writer of fan favorite misanthropic Brit, John Berry. “Berry’s costume is a trench coat and suit. It’s not like he’s wearing a flag or anything which would make my life easier. The comic rules are simply, English characters say bollocks, Australians say mate, and Africa is considered a country and not a continent. It just keeps things simple. I didn’t get into writing comics to give characters nuance or backstories more than something tragic happened.”

Gary London, a long time fan of John Berry and his adventures, finds the whole thing patronizing and lazy.

“These daft wankuhs have no idea how the British have a good natter,” explained London, calling from a red phone box with Big Ben in the background. “I mean, I go up the apples and pears, get on the loo, and try to read my comic and every English bloke is ‘bollocks this’ and ‘innit that’. It’s just bollocks, innit?”

Creator of John Berry, Alan Shaw, said he doesn’t really care how the dialogue is written, he just wants royalties from his creation.

“I wrote Berry as a side character in an issue of Mega Giant in 1978 for the scale rate of ten quid or something,” said Alan, who also created dozens of other characters that have gone on to huge multimedia success. “Now he’s in a billion dollar movie franchise, a monthly comic, a tv show, its spin off, and a video game and all I get is a thanks to Alan Shaw in the credits of the third movie. I don’t even get to do a cameo like that credit-stealing bastard Stan Lee. And John Berry is from Liverpool so I don’t know why they always write him as a Cockney.”

As of writing, Mark Walker is working on an original French character named Claude Eiffel Tower de Monde.