David Zaslav Announces Plans To Merge Bathroom and Kitchen

Posted on by Travis Tack

NEW YORK CITY — After acquiring a beautiful brownstone earlier this year, Warner Bros. Discovery CEO David Zaslav announced his plans to combine his bathroom and kitchen.

“Kitchen has done great work in the past, it’s built up a lot of good will,” he said. “But Bathroom has a history of consistent performance. There’s a lot of user engagement with bathroom. I really see no possible downside to this. There’s a lot of synergy here. At the end of the day, I see both of these as rooms with sinks, and that’s really the bottom line.”

“People will use the kitchen more because that’s where the toilet is,” he continued.  “And then, once we have those people in there, they’ll see the stove and think ‘I should make pasta’.”

Critics of the merger claim that guests of Zaslav’s won’t feel comfortable eating food that’s been prepared in a bathroom, or moving their bowels in a crowded kitchen, but time will tell. 

“In recent months, Zaslav has noticed a lot fewer people coming to his house and he’s hoping these developments could reverse the trend, but a lot of us are skeptical,” said JPMorgan CEO Jamie Dimon. “I’m not peeing in David’s kitchen, no matter how nice it is in there.”

Of course, this is just the beginning. The restructuring could also expand to affect other elements of the house. For instance, the CEO has mentioned plans to cut back on what he called “unnecessary walls”.

“I’m going to cancel the roof and sell it to Hulu,” he said cheerfully.

Internet Can’t Decide if Martin Scorsese’s Latest Hot Take Is a Rare L or Common W

Posted on by Kevin Podas

HOLLYWOOD — After sharing his general opinions on recent movies and the current state of cinema at large, the internet was having a hard time deciding if acclaimed director Martin Scorsese’s latest hot take is a rare L or a common W, sources have confirmed. 

“I mean on one hand, I get where he’s coming from,” said twitter user FilmBruh62. “But the guy’s getting up there in age, and he’s starting to sound like an old crank. The times are changing, old man. And this is starting to sound more and more like a common L from you and not a rare one.”

Dissent wildly spread across social media as Scorsese’s viewpoints became more public.

“Bro how can you even say that,” replied twitter user BickleStan49. “Like you’re not going to see Killers of the Flower Moon on day one, okay, sure. Marty’s totally right about this, like always. The guy’s been making movies for decades so he’s always right automatically. That’s just how it works. Common fucking W.”

When reached for comment on the matter, Scorsese appeared scared and confused.

“I don’t know what any of this means,” said Scorcese. “L? W? What are these people talking about? Well, at least I know how to write dialogue for Travis Bickle Junior when we make Taxi Driver: The Next Generation. Which we are going to do, by the way. This is a reportable fact.”

At press time, the people discussing Scorsese in the comments agreed to all shake hands and use full words from now on when arguing about other people’s opinions.

Assassin’s Creed Mirage Release Time: When Does It Come Out?

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

Curious about when the Assassin’s Creed Mirage release date & time are? This year’s installment in the Assassin’s Creed franchise is finally almost here, and you might want to know exactly when you can jump right into its expansive world set in golden age Baghdad. We’ve got you covered on that and other questions in this Assassin’s Creed Mirage guide.

When Does Assassin’s Creed Mirage Release?

Assassin’s Creed Mirage is scheduled for release on the 5th of October at midnight local time in all regions on PlayStation 4, PlayStation 5, Xbox One, Xbox Series X and Xbox Series S. The date has been moved up by a week from its originally announced date of October 12th. No complex time zone calculation needed–as soon as it turns midnight on your clock, you will be able to venture into Assassin’s Creed Mirage. If your platform supports soft region-switching through the system settings, then you might be able to play early by temporarily switching to New Zealand or any other region available that is even further east. This is especially useful for US and other more western players.

On PC, though, the calculation is a bit different. You can find PC release time for major regions in the tweet above, but in the US this equates to the following:

  • Eastern Time: Oct. 5, 1 AM EDT
  • Central Time: Oct. 5, 12 AM CDT
  • Mountain Time: Oct. 4, 11 PM MDT
  • Pacific Time: Oct. 4, 10 PM PDT

What Is The Pre-Order Bonus For AC Mirage?

Pre-ordering Assassin’s Creed Mirage will net you access to an exclusive mission dubbed “The Forty Thieves”.

Can Assassin’s Creed Mirage Be Preloaded?

When does Assassin's Creed Mirage release?

Historically, Ubisoft titles have always been available to preload 48 hours or 2 full days before release, so by the time you’re reading this you should be able to preload Assassin’s Creed Mirage from all digital stores including the PlayStation Store, Xbox Store, Epic Games Store, Ubisoft Connect, as well as a day one release for Ubisoft’s subscription service known as Ubisoft+. Assassin’s Creed Mirage is not available on Steam and no information is available regarding how long the timed exclusivity will last.

Is Assassin’s Creed Mirage Available On The Apple Iphone 15?

If you have an Apple iPhone 15 Pro and saw the footage of it running Assassin’s Creed Mirage, then you might be hoping to play it on there soon too. Sadly, the game will not be available for iPhone until early 2024.

And that’s everything to know about the upcoming release of Assassin’s Creed Mirage from Ubisoft. Check back soon for guides on the adventures of the all-new protagonist Basim as he parkours his way around old Baghdad. While you’re waiting, check out some of our helpful Starfield guides!

Pokemon Scarlet & Violet: How to Get Bloodmoon Ursaluna

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

Want to get a hold of the Bloodmoon Ursaluna in Pokemon Scarlet And Violet: The Teal Mask DLC? Bloodmoon Ursaluna is unique and practically on par with the Legendary Pokemon to be found in the new expansion. This Pokemon Teal Mask guide will walk you through everything you need to know about getting the Bloodmoon Ursaluna quest.

How To Get The Bloodmoon Ursaluna In Pokemon Scarlet & Violet

To even begin the questline to acquire the faux-Legendary Bloodmoon Ursaluna you must have 150 species registered in your Kitakami Pokedex. Next, head to the community center on the eastern edge of Mossui Town and find Perrin alongside her Hisuian Growlithe. Chat and then battle her Noctowl and Leafeon to proceed further.

Perrin’s Photography Quest Line

Once she’s defeated, proceed to the Timeless Forest to rendezvous with Perrin again. Perrin will have you taking photos of 10 distinct local Pokemon. The trick here is to make use of the targeting or lock-on button <ZL> to focus the camera on Pokemon that may be hidden in the fog, foliage, or water, before snapshotting them. You don’t need to be particularly diligent about the photo quality since they are exclusively for the completion of the mission objective. You can sneak to approach them, but you will be obliged to stand when taking the photo.

Now that Perrin has been satisfied, you will be led straight to battle Bloodmoon Ursaluna, after a little conversation.

Bloodmoon Ursaluna Stats & Abilities

HP Atk Def Sp Atk Sp Def Speed
113 70 120 135 65 52

Bloodmoon Ursaluna is a Ground/Normal type, and has both a signature attack and ability:

  • Blood Moon

A 140 Normal-type attack with 100 accuracy, exclusive to Bloodmoon Ursaluna, but cannot be used twice in a row.

  • Mind’s Eye

Another exclusive, this ignores evasiveness changes in opponents and can hit Ghost-types with Normal and Fighting-type moves.

Bloodmoon Ursaluna is susceptible to Water, Grass, Ice, and Fighting-type moves.

Once you’ve whittled down Bloodmoon Ursaluna’s HP to 0, you can catch it with any old Pokeball in your possession. You will be given one automatically, if you happen to be empty-handed.

Bloodmoon Ursaluna Rewards

Go back to Perrin, who will be waiting in Mossui Town, and speak with her once more to receive:

  • Choice Scarf
  • Hisuian Growlithe (not Grawa)

That’s everything about catching Bloodmoon Ursaluna in the Pokemon Scarlet And Violet: The Teal Mask DLC. Check out our guide on evolving Applin to Dipplin to get another new Pokemon from the new DLC!

Pokemon Scarlet & Violet Guide: How To Evolve Applin to Dipplin

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

The new Pokemon Scarlet And Violet: The Teal Mask DLC brings with it a number of new Pokemon to hunt, as well new evolutions for Pokemon that were in the base game. This Pokemon Teal Mask guide will walk you through evolving Applin into Dipplin.

Where To Find Applin in Pokemon Scarlet & Violet Teal Mask?

Applin is easy enough to find in the orchards all over Apple Hills, west of Mossui Town, as pictured above. But they can also be found in the trees in the apple orchard at your next destination detailed below. Make use of the targeting or lock-on button <ZL> to focus the camera on it through the foliage.

How To Evolve Applin To Dipplin In Pokemon Scarlet & Violet

The first step to evolving Applin to Dipplin is making your way over to another apple orchard in Mossfell Confluence, to the south-east of Mossui Town, in the corner of the map, as pictured above. The lone structure beside it, is a shop selling a single item–Syrupy Apples for 500. Purchase one.

With your Applin in the party, open up your Bag and tab over to the Rare Candy group. Scroll down to the Syrupy Apple and then ‘Use this item’ on the Applin, which will also have the green flag “Can Use”. The Shiny Applin will evolve into a delectable gold/caramel-colored Dipplin.

Applin Evolution Dipplin Stats & Abilities

How to evolve Applin into Dipplin in Pokemon Scarlet & Violet.

HP Atk Def Sp Atk Sp Def Speed
80 80 110 95 80 40

Dipplin is a Grass/Dragon type, a unique typing that can be quite useful.

And that’s how you evolve Applin to Dipplin in the Pokemon Scarlet And Violet: The Teal Mask DLC. Here’s how to get Bloodmoon Ursaluna another new Pokemon in the DLC.

“Get In The Robot,” Our Interview With Hideaki Anno

Posted on by Kevin Podas

We spoke with legendary animator and filmmaker Hideaki Anno, creator of Neon Genesis Evangelion, Shin Godzilla, and many more iconic works, to discuss his influences and pressures as a creative.

There is a lot of Christian iconography in Evangelion. Do you consider yourself to be a religious man?

“Fuck no. I just think it looks badass. Remember when that one angel exploded into this like, giant fuckin’ cross, and everybody was all, ‘awww no way!’ It was kinda like, ‘Jesus WHO?’ You know?”

Do you consider yourself to be an otaku?

“Yes, absolutely. Godzilla and Ultraman were like a mother and father to me, respectively.”

So getting to direct Shin Godzilla was a pretty big deal for you, I imagine.

“You have no idea. When Toho reached out to me and asked if I would like to helm the ‘Shin’ series of films, I was already wearing my Kamen Rider outfit. Sometimes I sleep in it, actually.”

A lot of people theorize that Shinji Ikari in Evangelion is a self-insert character. Is that true?

“Incorrect. I really saw myself more as Pen Pen– the warm water penguin who lives in Misato’s freezer! He’s so cute.”

You worked with Hayao Miyazaki for a number of years– what was that like?

“Getting to work under a master like him really helped me hone my craft to an unparalleled degree. Though sometimes he would hit me over the head with a newspaper and call me a stupid otaku. It’s okay though, I deserved it.”

Is there a dream project you’d love to work on?

“Yes– as much of an honor as it was to direct for properties such as Godzilla and Kamen Rider, one day I would very much like to adapt Tom and Jerry. I like when Jerry eats the big wedge of cheese and his body retains the shape of the cheese. (laughter)”

What made you want to revisit Evangelion with the ‘Rebuild’ series of films?

“Fuck man, can I be real with you for a sec? Am I allowed to be real here? Initially, I knew that if we made more movies that had more robots and more cute girls, we’d sell more toys. I mean, I know I’d buy more toys, at least. But I ended up getting all personal with it and shit, and ended up making four of the fuckers. I honestly just can’t help myself sometimes.”

Let me ask you an age-old question that’s been plaguing the internet for years: Rei or Asuka?

“Again, I am going to have to say Pen Pen. He’s so cute!”

Would you ever pilot a giant robot or mech suit if given the opportunity?

“If a stern, yet distant father figure were to order me to do so– absolutely.”

Who is your favorite kaiju?

“King Ghidorah. I sometimes imagine one of its three heads swallowing me and digesting me whole– purely for research purposes, of course.”

Is there anything you would change if you could go back and do Evangelion all over again?

“All over again? I just told you, I already did that. Six times. And hell, I’ll probably go back to the well again if obsessive fans truly demand it from their hearts.”

Well a lot of people debate over what the true ending to Evangelion is: the introspective final two episodes, or the film End of Evangelion?

“You people HAVE to move on from this, I swear. I mean, I thought I was bad, being an obsessive otaku and all, but the original series ended nearly 30 years ago. Truthfully I don’t even remember what happened at the end. A bunch of people clapping or something, sure that’s great, cut and wrap. Moving on.”

What inspires you to animate?

“I love cartoons, and I also love digging deep into personal traumas. Combine the two and it’s like, ‘hey who got chocolate in my peanut butter?'”

The legendary short film you animated with your friends back in the early 80s for Daicon IV still ripples throughout the internet. What inspired you to make that?

“I wanted to toss in as much licensed IP and commit as much copyright infringement as possible. That was really it. Star Wars fighting Gundam fighting Batman— you could almost call it the ultimate showdown of ultimate destiny.”

Why do you feel that your other series, Nadia: The Secret of Blue Water, has less staying power than Evangelion?

“Probably because even I don’t remember that. Was that me?”

If you could have any special ability, what would it be?

“The ability to turn invisible so nobody could ever talk to me and ask me about what the ending of Evangelion actually meant.”

What do you think of Hayao Miyazaki’s return from retirement yet again?

“I coulda told you that he was gonna do that, dude’s a total workhorse. People say that I’m the self-flagellating one, but I’m not so sure.”

What was it like to voice act as the main character for The Wind Rises?

“It was a little different, obviously. I’d like to think my performance totally blew out Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s from the English dub, though. I think it’s pretty clear I can do anything he can do at this point. That’s right, it’s official: me and Joseph Gordon-Levitt got beef.”

Do you miss working with Studio Gainax?

“It’s whatever, honestly. I helped built that place with my own two hands, and then I did it all over again with Studio Khara. Just get in the robot, and do it all over again. Or at least that’s what I tell myself in the mirror every morning.”

So, what’s next for you?

“Honestly man, I’m just gonna be straight chilling for a while, not gonna lie. I made my monster movies, I remade my cartoon, I’m tired dude. Catch me outside with a fuckin’ beer in hand or something, I dunno.”

 

USB Desk Fan Perfectly Cools USB Port Used To Power It

Posted on by Max Barth

NEW YORK — A USB-powered desk fan recently purchased by office worker Alejandro Peña is perfectly cooling the USB port used to use it, multiple tech insiders report.

“I’m extremely impressed with this little fan’s ability to really bring down the temperature of the way I power it,” says Peña, whose ongoing struggle to cool his work area continues to make international news. “What happened was the last fan I had was overheating, so I had to get a second fan to point at that one, which had to be powered by USB, which then started overheating. I was tearing my hair out, ordering experimental Soviet-era black market fans from overseas, draining my savings. Long story short I ended up getting a visit from Homeland Security.”

The U.S Department of Homeland Security, reached for comment, pointed to previous comments on the matter by spokeswoman Lydia Howell.

“I can confirm that the Department has historically been concerned with any individual or business that makes repeated purchases of specific mechanical and technological items, no matter how mind-bogglingly stupid the purpose,” she said. “Plus we have, like, a gazillion dollar budget, and that money isn’t gonna spend itself.”

Professor Angela McDowell, Chair of Mechanical Engineering at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, argued that, while Mr. Peña’s new fan would likely continue to provide self-sustaining cooling for some time, the industry writ large remains in the embryonic stage.

“Consumer-grade desktop air systems have advanced in many areas,” she said. “But Fan Science as a whole has a way to go before we can hope to cool things beyond that which powers them. For instance, I’m conducting a $300 million study of those little hand fans people use at sporting events to cool them down when they’re tired from holding the fan. We really want to dig down into the science and ask: What if fan, but more?”

As of press time, Peña was seen purchasing three refrigerators of increasingly large size.

Deep Lore: Blizzard Reveals “Diablo” Means “Devil”

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

IRVINE, Calif — Legendary video game developer Blizzard Entertainment revealed the answer to a 25-year-old mystery when they announced the meaning behind the title of their iconic series, Diablo.

“Of course, everyone knows that Baal is an ancient Semitic word meaning, ‘Lord,’ and that it is used in the Bible in reference to several Canaanite deities, especially the storm god Hadad,” Blizzard explained in a post to X, formerly known as Twitter. “And it’s common knowledge that Lilith is a nod to Jewish folklore, where she was the disobedient first wife of Adam who was banished from the Garden of Eden. But what we’ve never revealed is that our titular demon’s name is actually the Spanish word for ‘devil!’ That’s right, the Lord of Terror is a metaphor for the actual devil!”

Fans of the series were caught completely off guard by the news.

“It’s absolutely insane to think that the lore is that complex,” said Sam Jennings, who said the first game he ever beat was the original Diablo. “I’m a huge fan — I’ve even read all the books — so I knew that they included a few off-hand references to Judeo-Christian mythology, but even I didn’t realize how extensive it was. You couldn’t have connected the dots until they announced it, though it’s clear as day now that we have this information.”

Kelvin Pace, a games industry analyst, said that publishers have hidden Easter eggs in titles by using obscure foreign languages for years.

“It’s not something that general audiences pick up on, but it’s amusing for the developers,” said Pace. “For example, the title ‘Viva Piñata’ refers to the fact that the collectible animal characters in the game are actually piñatas, papier-mâché models typically filled with candy. And the mid-2000s third-person shooter ‘El Matador’ translates to, ‘mediocre.’ A lot of thought goes into these titles. Blizzard went through thousands of Spanish words until they found the perfect one.”

At press time, Blizzard further revealed that the game’s skeleton enemies are actually the rotted remains of human corpses.

Rockstar Announces ‘Grand Theft Auto VI’ Will Have Over 1,000 Planets You Can Visit

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK CITY — While details about their long awaited Grand Theft Auto 6 remain scarce, Rockstar Games recently revealed that the upcoming sequel will have over 1,000 planets you can visit, sources have confirmed. 

“We’re not gonna be outdone by any other game, including Starfield,” said Dan Houser, an executive producer of Grand Theft Auto 6. “So while it wasn’t in our initial plans, when I first heard about what they were doing over at Bethesda, I called an all hands on deck meeting and had everyone come in one Saturday, well not me, I zoomed in, but I told them that our game had to do the planets thing too. It’s caused further delays to the game’s release, as I’m sure you can understand, but do you guys want the 1,000 planets or not?”

The surprise announcement garnered mixed reactions from gamers. 

“That’s why it’s taking so damn long?” asked local gamer George Hogan. “Because they’re putting in space exploration? Huh. On one hand, this almost certainly will push the game’s release back to the 2030 window, so that sucks. On the other hand, I love exploring a big open world in these games, and well, it sounds like I might get to do a thousand of them. So hopefully it will be worth the wait. Oh man, there’s definitely going to be a whole stripper planet, huh?” 

GTA VI developers, however, seemed unanimously worried about the ambitious changes to the project. 

“We just have to add this shit in there, I guess?” asked programmer Melanie Turner. “They haven’t told us how the players are getting to planets, they haven’t told us how they expect us to incorporate it into the storyline we’ve been working on for years, they really just sent us some Starfield TikToks one night and wrote ‘we do 2?’ in the email. At this rate, I’m going to quit this job before Rockstar gets the chance to lay us all off once the game is done.” 

As of press time, Rockstar developers confirmed that Uranus would be one of the planets available for players to explore, after which they all snickered and fist bumped. 

Used Game Sales Increase 400% After Taylor Swift Seen Playing a Sega Game Gear

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK CITY — A photograph taken by tabloid outlet TMZ which features Taylor Swift playing a Sega Game Gear, a portable gaming console from the 1990s, has caused major disruptions in the preowned gaming industry, sources have confirmed.

“Busiest week of my life,” said Bert Grantham, owner of Bert’s Bits, a used gaming store in Brooklyn. “Lately, I’ve been struggling just to pay my bills, but Monday I come and open up, and all these girls in Taylor Swift shirts say they need Sega Game Gears, and they need them now. I sold out of games, accessories, damn near everything. These girls were so curious about video games all of the sudden, they were buying strategy guides to stuff they didn’t even have. Then all the ones who arrived after I sold out of Game Gears threatened to put me out of business.”

The surge of new customers proved curious to established patrons of Bert’s Bits.  

“Doesn’t really make sense to me,” said Troy Agnew, a regular customer. “She’s on a tour bus all the time, plus now she has time to kill at her boyfriend’s football games. Every reason in the world to own a handheld console. Also, please remember that Taylor Swift can afford to get into whatever hobby she wants, even collecting retro video games. I think it’s cool if a bunch of Swifties get into gaming, but they’re just not able to have the same experience she is. Maybe at least download some emulators and see if you like it before you make it your whole thing, you know?”

As of press time, Swift had announced her next stadium tour would be composed of “probably about half Sonic covers.” 

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.