Brody R Thompson, Author at Hard Drive

50 PS2 Games Slightly Younger Millenial Parents Should Force on Their Uninterested Kids

Posted on October 1, 2023 by Jacob VanGundy

Hard Drive recently published a list of PS1 games for millennial parents to force on their children, implying we millennials grew up in the 32-bit era. Obviously, that article was written by a clueless boomer who was probably born in the 80’s or something. All true millennials grew up on the greatest console of all time: Sony’s Play Station 2. In order to make up for this lapse in generational awareness we now present the 50 PS2 games millennial parents should make their children play.

1. Dark Cloud

Kids today cry about weapon durability in Zelda because they’ve been coddled by modern games. Those of us raised in the harsh dungeons of Dark Cloud are just grateful we don’t have to manage Link’s hydration.

2. GTA San Andreas

Hillary Clinton tried to take this game down and that’s why she lost the 2016 election. At least that’s what you can tell your kid instead of having a difficult conversation about systemic sexism.

3. Tekken 4

You won’t remember why this was your favorite Tekken until you see Christie. Then you’ll suddenly realize you were just really horny for that character. Have fun explaining to your kid that you’re making them play this because of how hot the Capoeira girl is.

4. Final Fantasy X

It might be hard to ignore the parallels between yourself and Jecht when you’re forcing your kid to play hours of blitzball and criticizing their skill at it. But hey, at least the ending will let you know if your kid’s going to cry at your funeral or not.

5. Sly Cooper

You need to accept that statistically there’s a good chance your kid will be a furry. It’s important to cover your bases and hit the classics like this game and Disney’s Robin Hood just in case. You don’t want to raise the one furry at the convention who doesn’t know Carmalilta Fox by sight.

6. Silent Hill 2

Sex is weird and uncomfortable to talk about. Make sure your kid is too terrified of sex to ever ask about it by making them play this psychosexual horror masterpiece. That’s just good parenting.

7. Devil May Cry 3

It’s crucial to preserve this aesthetic for future generations now that Hot Topic just sells anime t-shirts. How else will future generations know how cool the trench coat over bondage gear look was?

8. The Sopranos: Road to Respect

You’ve never gotten around the watching The Sopranos but you did buy this game for $2 at a garage sale in 2010. After skipping out on his seminal work don’t you owe it to James Gandolfini to make your kid suffer through his only video game credit?

9. Rogue Galaxy

There are approximately a thousand pretty good JRPGs on the PS2 and Rogue Galaxy is the one you got for your 12th birthday making it the best one. Remember, forced nostalgia isn’t about “the greats” it’s about the ones you kinda sorta remember.

10. Shadow of the Colossus

Back in the 2000’s games were all about mindlessly killing giant monsters with swords. Then Shadow of the Colossus broke the mold by being about killing giant monsters with a sword and then feeling bad about it. That’s art, baby

11. Psychonauts

It’s going to be hard to tell if The Milkman Conspiracy has aged well or not. On one hand, the game’s warning about conspiracy theories is more relevant than ever. On the other hand, the level is a lot less fun once you realize Boyd Cooper was definitely at the capital on January 6th.

12. Katamari Damacy

This game about a narcissistic king sending his son to mindlessly collect stuff in order to restore things to how they used to be is strangely appealing to you. It’s impossible to say why.

13. Metal Gears Solid 3: Snake Eater

You can really make this project multi-generational with Metal Gear Solid 3 because let’s be honest you’re gonna have to get your dad to explain all the references to The Great Escape and David Bowie lyrics.

14. Armored Core 2

Armored Core is billed as a mech combat franchise but early games were actually about something much more important: accounting. Every mission charges you for the ammo you use and damage to your mech, meaning even successful missions might lose you money. Eventually, your kid will be crushed under a mountain of debt, preparing them for the real-life mountain of debt that will someday crush them.

15. Suikoden III

One of this game’s playable characters is a cute little Shiba Inu who leads an elite all-dog military squad. That fact alone makes this game better than all the other Suikoden games. Actually, it makes it better than all the other video games ever made.

16. God of War

This is an important game because it popularized QTE’s, finally perfecting gameplay. No more remembering what a button does or feeling immersed in a fantastical world. The game tells you to push a button so you press the button and get rewarded with a hyperviolent animation. The game will literally condition your kid to like it.

17. Kingdom Hearts

Kids love Disney characters which will help them get past how convoluted the story is and how poorly the controls have aged. It’s like coating your dog’s pills in peanut butter, but the peanut butter is popular children’s IP and the pill is Tetsuya Nomura.

18. Marvel: Ultimate Alliance

When you played this game back before the MCU existed it was mostly an excuse for you to explain who Deadpool was to your less nerdy friends. If you want to recapture that feeling you need to make your kid play this game before the MCU teaches them who the everloving Thing is.

19. Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

Between Mario and Sonic kids today think video game movies are good. Don’t let them forget the atrocities committed by Hollywood against gamers. Make them play this game then show them what Jake Gyllenhaal did to it.

20. Soulcalibur II

Sure, the GameCube version had Link, but you were never jealous. I’m sure your kid won’t be either, I mean when’s the last time Zelda was even a relevant franchise?

21. Persona 3

Everyone loves Persona now but you were into it back when it was niche and cool. You get extra coolness points for this one because Persona 3 is the edgy Persona where the characters shoot themselves. Your kids will have to respect you once they know how cool your tastes were in middle school.

22. Antz Extreme Racing

Playing this game is really just an excuse for you to talk about how underrated you think the 1998 animated film Antz was. Sure, A Bug’s Life looked better but you’ve been arguing with people that Antz was better since grade school and you’re not stopping now. This game will not help your argument.

23. Dragon Quest VIII: Journey of the Cursed King

You’ve actually never played Dragon Quest which really puts your JRPG street cred at risk. If you make your kid play this one you can ask them for notes and pretend like you’ve played it. I mean, you’re an adult now you don’t have the time to play an entire Dragon Quest.

24. Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy

You got this game for Christmas in 2001. It’s going to be tempting to bring up 9/11 when you remember that fact but I promise you it’s not actually relevant to the game and your kid doesn’t want to hear you talk about where you were when the towers fell again.

25. Dragon Ball Z: Budokai

Your idiot kid is going to pick Goku because he’s the strongest. They’ll never see the Captain Ginyu body switch coming until it’s too late. If they don’t know Ginyu’s move set well enough to switch back then that’s on them.

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FBI Whistleblower Says Aliens Exist and Also There’s a Worm Man

Posted on October 1, 2023 by Travis Tack

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a shocking revelation, a former FBI Insider gave sworn testimony this week confirming the existence of what he called “non-human biologics – and also a worm man,” sources have confirmed.

“I was initially informed of their existence during the course of my official duties, and later confirmed for myself, that aliens do exist – and also there’s a worm man,” claimed the FBI Whistleblower. “Sort of like a half-man, half-worm kind of deal. This all falls under the umbrella of the ‘UAP task force’. They’re assigned to retrieve non-human-origin technical vehicles. And they also have to feed the worm man. He’s living in a big tank, and they have these flakes that they sort of shake into the water for him.”

The testimony has rocked the scientific world, leading many to question the very foundation of human existence.

“If worm-guys are real, then who knows what else could be out there?” asked Dr. Maria Zuber, Head of MITs Research Department. “What if there’s also a fish-man? Can the fish-man feel love? And what if a person falls in love with the fish-man? How would they express their love, physically? Would they do it like fish or like men? I have a lot of questions.”

The revelation quickly captured the general public’s imagination. Believers and skeptics alike gathered Wednesday night to listen as the whistleblower continued his testimony before congress.

“People will say there’s no precedent for a worm man, but the term ‘worm’ is derived from the Norse word ‘orm’, meaning ‘serpent’ or ‘dragon’, and history is littered with countless examples of humans confronting dragons,” said the charismatic FBI agent. “Of course, ‘Saint George and the Worm Man’ doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.”

Following the hearing, China’s Vice Premier Ding Xuexiang told reporters: “If the United States has been hiding a worm-man, I don’t see how they can be trusted to negotiate a trade deal in good faith.”

“This Toy Costs Way Too Much,” Says Man Buying It

Posted on October 1, 2023 by Will Carnevale

VALENCIA, Calif. — A surprising source of financial strain has emerged in the ongoing inflation crisis, according to one local man with disposable income.

“This toy costs way too much,” said Joshua Knox, 28, as he clicked the button to confirm his $519.99 eBay order of an unopened Power Rangers Dino Thunder Drago Morpher. “It sucks, but getting it mint is the only way to ensure I get all the faceplates, including the Parasaur one. And if I don’t have all the faceplates, I have nothing but the sucking void within and a dinosaur watch that doesn’t tell time.”

To make the most of his hefty purchase, Knox says he intends to wear the morpher and perhaps even act out being a Power Ranger at least once a month. Otherwise, the toy will be stored safely in his desk drawer with others like it to minimize “yellowing” of its mostly white plastic due to ultraviolet light exposure.

“It’s messed up, honestly,” said Simon Massey, the eBay seller from whom Knox bought the toy, which had a suggested retail price of $9.99 in 2004. “You’ve got dickheads selling this kind of thing for fifty or sixty times what it’s worth,” he continued, while listing a Dino Morpher for $574.99. “But that’s just the market at work, I guess. What can you do?”

Hayley Young, an economist studying the impact of collectibles markets on broader patterns of consumption and vice versa, claims her “Nostalgia-Greed Index” may have the answer.

“As human quality of life goes down, the desire to return to a subjectively ‘better’ time goes up,” explained Young. “So when you have a high cost of living, for example, people who can’t afford houses will settle for buying all the toys they wanted as kids. Toy demand spikes, which leads to price surges, which further lowers quality of life, and it spirals from there. If we can institute policies that improve people’s lives materially and emotionally, they’ll be less inclined to seek refuge in twenty-year-old Power Rangers merch, and prices should stabilize.”

Representatives for Hasbro, the current owner of Power Rangers, declined to comment on Young’s theory of the relationship between greed, nostalgia, and collectible prices. However, sources say this is due to all hands being on deck to ship out early limited release orders of the Tommy Oliver Master Morpher, Hasbro’s fourth and most expensive iteration of the classic Power Morpher so far.

‘Super Mario Bros. Wonder’ to Introduce “Good” Version of Waluigi

Posted on October 1, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

KYOTO, Japan — The cast of the Super Mario franchise is set to grow with the release of the upcoming title Super Mario Bros. Wonder, Nintendo revealed in a video posted on social media.

“It made sense to add a virtuous reflection of Waluigi,” said Shigeru Miyamoto, creator of the Super Mario series. “Wario and Waluigi are a pair, so why isn’t Mario part of a duo? The visual template is already there: one short and squat, the other tall and skinny. It was as though our work was already done for us.”

Some fans of the series expressed displeasure with the decision to add a new character.

“It’s just unnecessary,” said Shawn Poole, who said that he had been playing Super Mario games since the 1980s. “It’s like they’re adding a pointless character just because Wario has a brother. Even the name is so clunky. Luigi? I’ve heard it makes more sense in Japanese, but it doesn’t really scan in English. They just removed the ‘Wa.’ It’s not like Mario’s name is ‘Rio.’ Ultimately, it’s just a tacky stunt that cheapens a beloved, richly-drawn character.”

Charles Martinet, who recently stepped down from his role of voicing Waluigi and many other Super Mario characters, said that he had mixed feelings about the expansion of the Mario family.

“It’s always thrilling to see what Papa Miyamoto comes up with,” said Martinet, who peppered his speech with Mario catch-phrases. “Wahoo! I’m sure Luigi will be a delightful, colorful character that the fans will love — me most of all! At the same time, it’s bittersweet. Oh no! I’m very sad that I will never get the chance to help create a voice and personality for Luigi. Still, I’m excited to meet him along with the rest of the world this Fall! Mamma mia!”

At press time, Sega announced that they are developing a game based around a new character described as a less edgy version of their iconic mascot, Shadow the Hedgehog.

Holy Shit: Sequel Integrates Number Into Title

Posted on October 1, 2023 by Kevin Podas

HOLLYWOOD — In what many are calling an absolute touch of genius, producers behind the fourth film in the Expendables franchise, Expend4bles, made the brilliant decision to incorporate the numbered order of the film into the movie’s title.

“Yeah uhhhh I dunno, it just came to me in a dream or somethin’, I think,” said Sylvester Stallone. “The ways I sees it is, it’s the fourth movie in the series, and the number 4? It kinda looks like the letter ‘A’ a little bit if you’ve been really sleep-deprived or punched in the head a lotta times.”

It’s not just Hollywood, though. Many different industries have been incorporating the practice for years.

“Well y’see, it was the second game in the Banjo-Kazooie series, and we just had an absolutely mad idea,” said Tim Stamper, co-founder of Rare. “Get this: we called it Banjo-Tooie. ‘Cos it’s like number two, but it’s also ‘too’, which means another, as in another Banjo-Kazooie game. It’s bloody brilliant, innit?!”

Executives in Hollywood tend to encourage the practice as much as possible.

“We’ve been chasing this high ever since 2 Fast 2 Furious. I can’t believe we got away with doing it twice in the same movie!” said Peter Cramer, president of Universal Pictures. “It alleviates any confusion within the audience whatsoever, who are definitely too stupid to know that they might be watching a sequel. And hey, who doesn’t love a good pun, am I right?”

At press time, test audiences have reportedly had great difficulty trying to pronounce the name Expend4bles.

What Are They Saying? Reactions to Epic Games’ Recent Layoffs

Posted on September 30, 2023November 19, 2025 by Mark Roebuck

Epic Games announced a shocking wave of layoffs this week, targeting over 800 employees, making up about 16% of their workforce. Here are some reactions from around the community to the company behind the multi-billion dollar grossing Fortnite’s unfortunate announcement.

Tristan Buchanan, ex-Epic Games developer

“What can I say? The writing was on the wall for years. No really, it said ‘We will fire you in a heartbeat if we ever feel like it’ real big on the cafeteria wall. So a lot of us saw this coming.”

Viola Michael, Postal Worker

“Oh my god that’s horrible. How is Tim Sweeney handling all of this? Poor guy.”

Elon Musk, Owner – Twitter

“Look, the hat wasn’t on backwards, and even if it was, lots of people wear a lot of different kinds of hats backwards. I really don’t see what the big deal is. I have a video of me holding a giant knife on my phone if you want to see it.”

Justin Cain, Office Manager

“Don’t look at me, pal. My kid spent 14 grand on Fortnite bullshit, and now I have to work nights at Lowe’s. I’m sorry it wasn’t enough for you people.”

Cody Johns, Retail Employee

“Wow, a game company announced a wave of layoffs despite being behind one of the most popular games around? How shocking. Next you’ll be telling me some gamers throw tantrums when you make them play as a girl.”

Tim Sweeney, CEO – Epic Games

Will your story please make mention of the generous severance package full of V-Bucks we gave everybody? No one has mentioned that part. I think it’s worth mentioning.

Alvin Sutherland, Surgeon

“Who let you in here?”

Conor Morgan, Student

“I think it’s good that Epic has largely squandered any goodwill they may have once had. It’s so exhausting to like stuff.”

Kevin Durant, Professional Basketball Player

“I would like to be traded to a different interview as soon as possible.”

Joshua Buchanan, Entrepreneur

“As soon as my favorite YouTuber weighs in, I will let you know what I think about all of this.”

Norm Whitney, the guy that cuts up Tim Sweeney’s hot dogs for him

“Did anyone hear if I still had a job or not?”

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, actor

“Let me guess, this is all Black Adam’s fault somehow!”

Homer Norton, retail manager

“Huh, that’s bizarre. I thought their unique strategy of hoarding exclusive games on a clunky launcher nobody wanted was their ticket to the top.”

Mitch McConnell, Minority Leader of the United States Senate

“I, uh… um…. I…”

Shane Kramer, writer

“With the WGA strike coming to a close, maybe they could all write movies and TV shows about how fucked up it is to be in game development.”

Tracy White, server

“It’d be really cool if you left so someone else could sit at this table, you know?”

Sidney Pruitt, a guy that just woke up out of a coma

“I’m sorry, Fortnite? Never heard of it. Who let you in here?”

Joe Chen, guy that puts Tim Sweeney’s socks on his feet every morning

“I am saddened at the amount of people that lost their jobs, many of which I consider friends. Those of us lucky enough to stay on with the company won’t forget you.”

Jude Porter, journalist

“Gosh, this must be a scary time for anyone working on a game that’s reached previously unimagined levels of success.”

Shigeru Miyamoto, developer – Nintendo

“Sadly, I cannot afford to hire all of the 800-some workers laid off by Epic, but if any of them can make their way to our cafeteria, I’ll take care of everything.”

Blizzard Announces Overwatch 2 Heroes’ Mythic Skins Are Whatever Sexual Orientation You Want

Posted on September 30, 2023 by Jus Kaplan

IRVINE, Calif. — Blizzard announced that any hero fitted with a mythic skin in Overwatch 2 will become whatever sexual orientation the gamer who earned it wants, company officials confirmed in a press conference.

“If you bought the battle pass and then grinded to reach tier 80 by playing nonstop for hours a day, days on end, you have earned your mythic skin,” said Overwatch 2’s Character Director Sefi Morditch. “And with this rare honor comes the option to make Junker Queen canonically a lesbian. Or Sigma bisexual. Or you could even make Tracer straight. Love is love – as long as your parent’s credit card clears when you make your purchase.”

The new feature, which was added in a 5GB update this week, is composed of an on-screen popup when an unlocked mythic skin is selected for heroes.

“CONGRATULATIONS on your recent purchase and prolonged gameplay this season!” the message states. “This hero is now open for you to interpret their sexuality however you see fit. Get as specific as you want! Note: this feature does not impact gameplay.”

The player is then prompted to enter the character’s mythic sexuality on the keyboard, with each letter entered costing 500 coins of in-game currency, including spaces. Once the payment has been confirmed, a new popup appears on screen for 10 seconds that reads “[HERO] is now [TEXT ENTERED]!” before disappearing forever.

Gamers online immediately had mixed reactions to the announcement and update, with some confused as to why this needed to be introduced at all.

“As far as characters go, Overwatch 2 is a pretty diverse game already. It’s not perfect, sure, but I don’t think releasing skins that can turn heroes gay or whatever is going to help. It’s honestly kind of problematic,” wrote silver-ranked PC player Lix_Zenz_Ballz in a Reddit thread on the subject.

“How would this even work? Is Kiriko only into chicks if she’s equipped with the mythic Amaterasu Kiriko skin, or does her wearing it even just once mean she’s into that forever going forward if I say so? Don’t get me wrong, I’m willing to pay every time it’s equipped, but this is a distinction that has important implications for the game’s lore and my bank account,” wrote diamond-ranked XBOX player VeryTiredHippo2003.

At press time, Morditch was seen ignoring all questions from reporters about rainbow capitalism while adding that mythic skins with this feature will soon be released for every remaining hero who currently doesn’t have one, except Cassidy.

Throuple Preparing Group Halloween Costume Arguing Over Who’s Ed Edd or Eddy

Posted on September 30, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

BROOKLYN — Partners within a local poly relationship are amidst heated arguments over who gets to be who in their Ed, Edd ‘n Eddy Halloween costumes, neighbors of the throuple confirm, due to the thin walls in their shared apartment complex.

“Roland thinks just because he thinks he’s smartest that he gets to be Double-D, but he’s also the tallest, which should make him Ed. Costumes are a visual medium, first and foremost,” said Hayley Ash, self-appointed leader of the throuple. “All I know is, I call Eddy. I’ve already started working hard on the giant papier-mache jawbreaker we’re going to chase down the street, so I get first dibs on character choice. Levi better find an Edd hat quick, because I’m not sewing shit this year.”

Acquaintances of the throuple reported this is a yearly occurrence, and debating their annual Halloween costumes is just as much a tradition as the holiday itself.

“Last year I threw a party, and Hayley, Roland and Levi all arrived three hours late and all angrily dressed as the same X-Files Lone Gunman, and wouldn’t back down,” said Mina Kleiner, shaking her head in secondhand embarrassment. “They all wanted to be Langley, I guess? Luckily there was no physical violence, but man…they take Halloween just a bit too far for my taste. Plus, everyone just thought they were Garth from Wayne’s World. At least they got to bond over that!”

Officials at Halloween Headquarters have begun issuing statements on the importance of not taking the holiday too seriously.

“It’s important to remember that this time of year is supposed to be fun! Candy! Costumes! Spooky monsters and the like! Good, wholesome times for friends and family alike!” said a representative of Halloween HQ, who was tough to understand due to his plastic vampire fangs. “Folks like this throuple here threaten to sully the good nature of the day with sour barbs and passive-aggressive comments…plus shouldn’t Roland be Double-D? He’s always wearing that knit hat!”

At press time, the throuple had reportedly moved on from Halloween and started another discussion, just as intense, over what Rankin Bass special their Christmas card photo-shoot would be themed.

New Team Rocket Employee Unsure About Mandatory Midriff Policy

Posted on September 29, 2023 by Beck Barnes

CELADON CITY, Kanto — New Team Rocket recruit Wyatt Perry was surprised to learn about the mandatory crop tops mentioned in the dress code section of the Team Rocket Employee Handbook.

“’All Team Rocket Grunts will be administered two pairs of slacks, one pair of boots, one Team Rocket cap, and five Team Rocket crop tops (three short-sleeve and two long-sleeve) as their daily uniform’,” said Perry, 19, reading directly from the handbook he was given during New Grunt Orientation. “’Grunts are required to always wear this uniform when acting on behalf of Team Rocket. What the hell is this? This wasn’t mentioned when I interviewed.”

Perry wanted to make it clear that his discomfort with this policy was out of concern for safety, and not about his sense of self-image.

“I’m not uncomfortable with my body by any stretch of the imagination,” he said. “I work out and stuff. I just think it’s impractical for the job we’re doing. I’m supposed to be kidnapping three-foot Beedrills with stingers as long as my forearm, and you expect me to do that with my stomach exposed the whole time?”

Giovanni, leader of Team Rocket, asserted that the uniform requirements were out of budgetary necessity.

“We have a very high turnover at the entry level,” he said. “And crop tops require less material to make, so we lose less money handing them to a grunt who quits two weeks later because they can’t handle getting shocked by a Pikachu every day. It’s really the only way we can stay in business.”

Perry’s attempt to bring these safety concerns to HR’s attention were less than successful. “It turns out that Team Rocket’s HR department consists entirely of one talking Meowth.”

The Best and Worst Simulator Games for PC Players Who Won’t Leave Their Houses

Posted on September 29, 2023 by Christian Harrison

PC players get a bad reputation sometimes, but that’s usually okay because they’re too busy debugging their game to hear it. With the range of different hardware and other tools out there, it’s never been easier to purchase or put together some semblance of a gaming PC and generally rise above the console wars.

That being said, it’s a whole lifestyle that will see even the most promising of altar boys turning into a hunched-over ghoul clacking away at a keyboard for eternity. With the range of games that promise to simulate the world’s most mundane tasks, a promising PC player never has to leave their home to feel the joy of power washing a deck or doing construction work on a run-down house.

It’s not all boring, though, as simulator titles also offer opportunities, like many games, to live a different life and try things you may not otherwise have the budget or opportunity to do. It’s a fine line that those who make these games often tread, but some feel like they were made with genuine love and appreciation for the craft it’s simulating.

This article will go over the best and worst PC simulator titles that give you a look into another life and occupation so you know what to avoid and seek out based on your personal preferences. Some of these may even make you swear you left the house.

Best: Farming Simulator

If you’ve never experienced the joy of baking under the heat of the Alabama sun in the middle of your family’s corn and green bean fields, then you’ve never experienced joy. Thankfully, you can do it the easy way in the Farming Simulator series of titles, which serves as a weird intersection of marketing for John Deere equipment and informational farming gameplay.

The most recent release across all consoles was Farming Simulator 22, which was released late in November 2022. It introduced new functions like allowing players to manage animals, grow new crops, and even customize their farmer to make the simulator more immersive. Factor in the modding and player support for these games across the internet, and there’s a lot of content to appreciate.

Like most simulator games, Farming Simulator also has the benefit of being boring as shit most of the time. This means that players can throw on their favorite podcast or simulated internet radio and get to choring around the farm. It ain’t glamorous, but it’s an honest day’s gaming.

Worst: Ranch Simulator

As someone who genuinely loves animals and would love to own some form of small ranch in the future, I was so excited to log into this game with a friend. However, it had launched in early access with maybe two features and almost no animations. Everything feels stiff, too, from the activities all the way to the animals themselves. It was not worth the price at that time, but this was a couple of years ago and worse games have certainly been redeemed since. Here’s hoping a full release as a stable experience is in the future once developer Toxic Dog smooths out all the bugs (and pigs and cows and goats and horses).

Best: American Truck Simulator

The trucking network in America is the backbone of the country. The brave men, women, and non-binary of the trucking industry ensure that we can get pizza rolls and Sprite whenever we want, just as the Founding Fathers intended. It’s probably one of the under-respected industries, with most serial killer mysteries involving them as an easy suspect. For Shame!

The Truck Simulator games are known for being some of the most relaxing in the entire industry, at least according to my buddy John from high school. I’ve played with him a few times and it was always fun to just sit back and drive our route together while catching up about things that had happened to us in life recently. I like to imagine that the freedom to just pick up a job and drive is what attracts many to the trucking life, with these titles even letting you create a whole business and fleet of trucks. You can even get NPCs to run deliveries for you, making it as much of a management simulator as it is a relaxing driving game. Now they just to add an update where you can murder hitchhikers!

Worst: Police Simulator: Patrol Officers

Oh, to be a government employee responsible for making sure that the poor and broken of society get treated worse than their own criminal peers. If you go out of your way to play a game that’s called Police Simulator and it’s not even the cool parts like hostage negotiation or detective work, but patrolling, I’m gonna put your name in a book somewhere for later… just in case.

The game mostly involves pulling over people for minor traffic infractions before potentially arresting them. It does a good job of justifying these arrests and kind of whitewashes all of the dirty parts that are actually involved in police work. If developer Aesir Interactive adds a new mode where you have to cover for your partner who murdered a Black man in cold blood, it might be a bit more realistic.

Listen, not all people who play the Police Simulator are bad people, but enough of them have been found the be absolute pieces of shit that fit the description. It’s like 40 percent I read somewhere. Be safe out there, NPC drivers.

Best: PC Building Simulator

Imagine if you spent a few hours building your PC on top of the cost of who-knows-how-much to purchase the components. Does anything sound more fun than immediately booting it up and building custom PCs in PC Building Simulator? On the other hand, those who bought pre-made computers can see how much they could have saved for the same specifications.

Mostly, it just serves as a great way for PC players to fully hone in on their obsession and superiority complex. I wouldn’t expect you to get it, what’s your rig running on? A 2090 XXXTentacion GPU and i23 flux processor? Yeah, that’s what I thought, loser.

There’s a sequel that just released last year on the Epic Games Store, but the original can be found on Steam, with all the DLC offering a lot of content at a discounted price that’s a fraction of what a new monitor would cost.

Worst: Lawn Mowing Simulator

Whoever thought that it would be a good idea to force gamers to touch grass the whole time in this title didn’t understand their audience. Sweeping in among a fresh wave of new simulator titles, Lawn Mowing Simulator is a faithful enough job at giving players a job and letting them loose in a world to do it. However, it’s about as dull as watching grass grow.

While one might not expect much from a game that’s about mowing lawns, there is something relaxing about it that transfers from real life to this title. Because of that, it’s a great game to help you chill out, and one I even enjoyed more than PowerWash Simulator at first. Lawn Mower Simulator even had the opportunity of being on Xbox Game Pass, but even that wasn’t enough. Sadly, it’s been a year since the last major update from Lawn Mower Simulator, with the yard of the game’s community being overgrown and uninhabitable in the time since.