Mario Admits He Just Wears the Tanooki Suit for Sexual Gratification

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

MUSHROOM KINGDOM – Nintendo protagonist Mario admitted that he uses the Tanooki suit popularized in Super Mario Bros. 3 primarily as a masturbatory aid, surprised sources report.

“It’s a true-ah,” Mario said shamefacedly while staring at the floor. “I-ah first thought I could use the suit to turn into a statue and-ah protect myself from the Goombas, but I became-ah rock hard the second I put it on, and the next thing I know I’m-ah jacking off in the middle of World 4-5. I-ah haven’t used the suit for its intended purpose ever since. Mama Mia, I’ve-ah never been so embarrassed. Please don’t tell-ah Princess Peach!”

Gamer Zeke Armstrong was taken aback by the news.

“Oh, I guess I never thought of Mario as a sexual being,” Armstrong remarked. “I mean, I guess I’m OK with it. Why should anyone care as long as it doesn’t interfere with him defeating Bowser? I honestly never really used the Tanooki Suit when I played Super Mario Bros. 3, now that I think about it, so he can go ahead and manipulate himself in it as often as he wants. Now that I know that’s what he’s using it for, I’ll probably go out of my way to avoid picking it up next time I play that game. I’m sure Mario will appreciate me leaving it for him to use in his personal time.”

Video game psychologist Adara Cooper provided her expertise on the situation.

“Nintendo doesn’t really explore the sexuality of its characters, so it’s often unexpected when gamers hear about their proclivities,” Cooper offered. “It makes them uncomfortable to hear, for instance, how hard Link came the first time he saw a Goron wrap himself into a ball and roll down a hill, or how King K. Rool once ordered several Kremlings to concurrently stomp on his back until he climaxed. My advice is for fans of these franchises to just focus on the gameplay and try not to let these things distract them.”

At press time, Mario had discovered a new fetish after accidentally hitting himself in the testicles with a fireball.

Opinion: If Raw Milk Is So Dangerous, Why Does It Restore Link’s Hearts?

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

It seems like lately there’s been a lot of talk about pseudoscience pervading our public discourse when it comes to subjects like vaccines and alternative medicine. One topic in particular has been met with extreme volatility, especially since Robert F. Kennedy has been appointed Secretary of the Department of Health and Human Services. I’m talking, of course, about raw milk, whose supposed health benefits he has been known to advocate for. I, for one, stand with R.F.K., because, after all, if raw milk consumption is so dangerous, why does it restore Link’s hearts?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not some sort of anti-science nutjob. I actually thought about getting a vaccine once, but ultimately decided against it when a friend of a friend told me he knew somebody who got a kidney stone shortly after getting the flu shot. I’ve just seen more than enough instances of Hyrule’s favorite hero restoring his health after consuming glass bottles of milk that, as far as I can tell, have never been boiled. Let me tell you, I’ve been over every inch of Lon Lon Ranch in my handful of “Ocarina of Time” playthroughs, and I didn’t see a single pasteurization machine. How do you explain that?

Obviously, the only logical conclusion is that, not only is Link completely unaffected by the Listeria and Campylobacter swimming through his favorite beverage, but it is actively making him healthier. Really, you can’t argue with that, and it’s not just specific to “Ocarina of Time”. I just completed “Tears of the Kingdom,” and do you think Link would have been able to defeat Demon King Ganondorf without the bottles of bacteria-riddled milk he obtained from Hateno Village’s General Store? Not fucking likely. You can continue waxing intellectual about the suspected cause of the bloody diarrhea I’ve been suffering over the past couple of weeks, but until you’re able to recover from a Gerudo warlock’s two-handed sword attack, you should probably just shut up.

So yeah, you’re more than welcome to insist that scientific evidence is required before you do something as “shockingly dangerous and stupid” as consuming raw milk, but all the evidence I need has been staring me right in the face over my past several decades of gaming. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I desperately need to run to the bathroom again.

Five Amazing Inventions From the Ancient Sumerians That Honestly Weren’t as Impressive as the N64 Rumble Pak

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

Inhabiting the land now known as southern Iraq between the 5th and 1st millennium BCE, the ancient Sumerians were known for their unbelievable penchant for technological innovation. Not only did they excel at creation, they also demonstrated a unique talent for improving on existing technologies. Here are five truly mindblowing Sumerian contributions to humanity that, despite their awe-inspiring significance to modern life, honestly are still not as impressive as the N64 Rumble Pak.

  1. The Plow

This common farm tool used to loosen soil before sowing seeds is still used today, and nearly every food we eat is from land that has been cultivated by some form of it. However, did you know that IGN referred to the N64 Rumble Pak as the “biggest surprise” of the 1996 Shoshinkai show? It’s not easy to garner that type of recognition, so we’re going to have to hand this one to the Rumble Pak. Plus, it’s more fun to use. Have you ever tried farming? We haven’t, but we assume it’s super boring and difficult.

  1. Board Games

Oh, come on. You think this one’s even close? Cool, archaeologists discovered the Royal Game of Ur, which is believed to have been created about 4,000 years ago, but some stupid, old-as-fuck board game can’t possibly compare to the feeling of your controller vibrating as you bump your Banzai GTV into your competitors in the Hawaii level of “Cruis’n World”. We felt like we were actually driving in that underwater tunnel, and no Neolithic tabletop accessory is going to replicate that.

  1. The Sailboat

This had huge implications for both trade and war in ancient Sumer, and likely shaped the way we approach both aspects of our society today. However, the N64 Rumble Pak added a never-before-experienced level of interactivity to some of our favorite games for the system, and we just can’t ignore that. Seriously, when’s the last time you went sailing? We thought so. The Rumble Pak wins yet again.

  1. The Writing System

The Rumble Pak was first offered as a bundle with “Star Fox 64,” which is an all-time classic, rivaling the whole of ancient Sumerian culture in and of itself. Also, the Sumerians invented writing just as a means of keeping tabs on their commerce, and we hate capitalism, so this one’s going to go to the Rumble Pak. And yes, we’re aware of the irony in us using a written medium to convey this message. Fuck you.

  1. The Lunar Calendar

Oh come on, we converted to Gregorian like 200 years ago, so we don’t even use this shit today. Why are we even having this conversation? The Rumble Pak gave us up to 60 hours of gaming bliss at a time on just two AAA batteries. Did the ancient Sumerians use any form of batteries? Honestly, we don’t feel like looking it up at this point, so the Rumble Pak wins this last round by default. 

Our Top Five Dragon Ball Z Episodes That All Happen To Be From the Cell Games, Even Though We Swear to God We’ve Seen the Whole Series

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

Listen, obviously, we’ve seen every episode of Dragon Ball Z. This is Hard Drive, after all, and that show is basically Anime 101. That’s why we were so surprised that all of our favorite episodes happened to be from one specific arc of the sprawling nine-season series. Believe us, we could just as easily have picked some episodes from the Frieza Saga, or some that have that purple guy with the lens in front of his eye. We swear to God we could have. Anyway, here are our top five:

5.) Episode 168: Meet Me in the Ring 

Seeing Goku and Gohan emerge from the Hyperbolic Time Chamber in anticipation of their fight with Cell sent chills down our spines, and Gohan even got his hair dyed blonde while he was in there! It looks great. Also, did he get blue contact lenses? Where would he have gotten those in the Chamber?

4.) Episode 176: “Losers Fight First”

It’s the first day of the Cell Games, which, as we’ve established, is just one of many sagas that we’re clearly very familiar with. We see how powerful Cell is when he punches Mr. Satan into the…wait, his name is Mr. Satan? We mean, we obviously knew that, but what the fuck? 

3.) Episode 180: “The Fight Is Over”

We just love how shocking the revelation of Cell’s regeneration is after he’s severely maimed by Goku’s Kamehameha attack, which he acquired from that large green guy. We mean, we knew that was coming because we had been watching this show for over five seasons at this point. We just think it was a really cool scene and a stellar episode overall.

2.) Episode 185: “The Awakening”

It was a toss-up between this episode and that episode from the other season where they get the Dragon Balls and fight the robots. You know the one? That episode’s great. But we just liked learning how powerful Gohan became after his makeover in the Hyperbolic Time Chamber.

1.) Episode 191: “Save the World”

        We love this episode because it’s when Gohan finally destroys Cell once and for all with a little help from the guy with spiky black hair who wears blue. We’re huge fans of his, and we love his work in all of the other seasons that we’ve seen multiple times. It’s just so cool seeing Gohan and his friends prevail even though Goku died, but didn’t actually die? Anyway, this is easily our favorite episode of all the many, many episodes we’ve definitely seen. 

        EA Sports Confirms Aaron Rodgers Is an Insufferable Dipshit in the Madden Universe, Too

        Posted on by Steve Packosky

        REDWOOD CITY, Calif. – Representatives at EA Sports have confirmed that NFL quarterback Aaron Rodgers is every bit the insufferable dipshit in their Madden NFL games that he is in real life, sources report.

        “It’s true that, even within the fictional Madden NFL universe, Mr. Rodgers is just as annoying and stupid as he is outside of it,” EA Sports spokesperson Hamza Dhanial said. “Every instance we’ve seen of him comporting himself like a moronic asshole, such as his declining to get the COVID-19 vaccine but telling reporters that he was ‘immunized’ because of his bullshit homeopathic remedies, to his vocal support for Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., is also reflected in the games. We just choose to refrain from showing it because we figure rationally-minded football fans suffer through enough of his idiocy by following the actual goings-on of the sport.”

        Madden NFL fan Landon Welker reacted to the news.

        “It’s definitely a bummer that Aaron Rodgers is doing and saying stupid shit in the virtual world, too,” Welker noted. “I’m glad they’re not subjecting the player to it, though. Listening to Rodgers do things like falsely accuse Jimmy Kimmel of having ties to Jeffrey Epstein on The Pat McAfee Show or hearing stories from his old backup quarterback about how he thinks 9/11 was an inside job is not something I want to deal with in my gaming experience.”

        Rodgers was dismayed that his off-field antics weren’t highlighted in the games.

        “I consider myself a truth-teller first, and a football player second,” he pondered while preparing his next dose of ivermectin. “So it’s actually insulting that video game players are being denied my wisdom while they’re playing Madden NFL. I’d have discovered this myself, but I don’t play games because the rays emitted by the consoles have been known to cause brain cancer. While I have your attention, do you want to hear my thoughts on AIDS and why I think it was created in a lab to benefit the pharmaceutical industry?”

        At press time, EA Sports had confirmed that Patrick Mahomes was an obnoxious pipsqueak in the Madden NFL universe, too.

        Aperture Science Reveals It’s Safe To Fuck Through the Holes Made With Your Portal Gun if You’re Into That

        Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

        MUNISING, Mich. – Physicists at Aperture Science have revealed that it’s perfectly safe for people to engage in sexual activity through the holes made with their Aperture Science Portal Devices if they’re so inclined, sources report.

        “We want to assure end users that there is no danger in two or more individuals positioning themselves at opposite sides of the portals they create and fully penetrating one another,” spokesperson Renna Hoffman told reporters. “Moreover, there is no evidence to suggest there’s any risk from oral or digital stimulation through said portal, provided the device itself is not used as an aid to reach climax. In fact, we encourage our customers to avail themselves of a lengthy fuck-session between the gateways our product tears through the fabric of three-dimensional space.”

        Potential customer Herb Bhalfour was intrigued by the news.

        “Oh, wow, you can fuck through this thing?” Bhalfour reacted. “I was thinking about all the cool things I could do with it, like travel long-distance for free. I’ve got a cousin who lives in Australia, and I was going to mail him the gun after blasting a hole in my wall so I can visit. However, now I think I might check and see if he has any single friends who’d like to fuck inter-continental. Hell, first I might fuck my neighbor with this just to try it out.”

        Chell, a subject used in a series of tests with the gun, was uninterested in the company’s announcement.

        “Yeah, I don’t care about that,” Chell said. “When you’ve got an insane artificial intelligence trying to kill you after having promised you cake for the past six hours, using your Portal gun as a sex aid tends to fall to the bottom of your list of priorities. Coming within inches of being dropped into an incinerator didn’t really get me in the mood. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think it’s time I get my revenge on GLaDOS.”

        At press time, Hoffman had also revealed that it’s safe to urinate and defecate through the Portal as well, but encouraged people to do so as hygienically as possible.

        5 Animes That Are Technically Hentai Because I’ve Jacked off to Them

        Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

        Look at you in your ivory tower, enjoying anime and feeling all pretentious because you appreciate things like plot, art style, and character development. Well, guess what, pal? There is a lengthy list of ostensibly tame, non-pornographic animes that I’ve jacked off to, which technically makes them hentai. 

        Here’s just a small sampling of shows that I’ve manipulated myself in front of, and liking any of these makes you a fan of hentai, no matter how doggedly you refrained from touching your genitals while watching them. Not so proud of yourself now, are you?

        1. Death Note

        You might think I greased my flagpole to the dreamy Light Yagami, but you’d be wrong in that assumption. No, it was his shinigami Ryuk who got me going. Wipe that look of condescension off your face! You were the one who thought I was jerking it to a high school student, so maybe take a look in the mirror instead of judging me. Also, Death Note has officially been hentai ever since I climaxed, just so you know.

        1. Attack on Titan

        I was actually planning on watching this in a non-sexual manner, but something about the terrifying, exaggerated smile of the Humanoid that ate Eren’s mother got me going. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a sexual sadist or anything, I think I just have a previously undiscovered hyperdontia fetish. Plus, if you’re a fan of this established hentai, you might as well pull your pud to it too.

        1. Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba

        Muzan Kibutsuju is a total smokeshow. He looks like Michael Jackson before we learned how sketchy he was. You can’t blame me for shooting my wad when Tanjiro first approached him on that busy street in Season 1. Honestly, I can’t even say I jacked off to this one, because I got off completely hands-free, but there’s no reason to split hairs. This is a great hentai and I hope you liked it, too.

        1. Hajime no Ippo

        I like to get beat up. Fucking sue me. Actually, this hentai is a pretty good exploration of the power of the human spirit, and you’ll find yourself cheering on the impossible-to-dislike Ippo Makunouchi after you’ve blown your load, which we both know you will.

        1. Neon Genesis Evangelion 

        No, it wasn’t Misato Katsuragi. It was her pet penguin Pen Pen, alright? I’m not proud of this and, honestly, I’m regretting bringing up this subject in the first place. I was at a weak point in my life when I first watched this series, and it’s so profound and deep that I truly feel bad for relegating it to hentai status via ejaculation, but that’s life. 

        There you have it. You’ve probably watched at least one of the shows listed above, so welcome to the club. I guess I’ll see you in r/hentai!

        The Ten Best BOTW Shrines Ranked by How Often Link Is Going There To Masturbate

        Posted on by Cameron Lehr

        Adventuring is tough work. After a long day of fighting vicious beasts and ancient machines, every hero needs to take some time for themselves. Lucky for Link, he and he alone has access to over 130 ancient shrines scattered across Hyrule. So no matter where his adventures take him, our hero can always find a place to pop off and polish the ol’ Master Sword. This is a list of some of his favorites, The Ten Best BOTW Shrines Ranked by How Often Link is Going There to Masturbate. 

        10. Kee Dafunia 

        You know you’ve become the true champion of Hyrule when you have your own Jack Shack right off the coast. Coming to the surface during only the first light of day, this shrine is perfect for quiet afternoons of furious self-pleasure under the waves.   

        9. Gorae Torr 

        Every hero has their fair share of enemies, and you can’t truly unwind if you’re always looking over your shoulder. So if security is an issue, this is the shrine for you. With a Goron bouncer keeping watch, you can drop trou without fear that each stroke could be your last.  

        8. Zuna Kai 

        High on a pillar above majestic Skull Lake, this shrine boasts privacy and Immaculate vibes just in time for fall. Though be warned Kilton has been known to pop in from time to time looking for a different kind of monster parts. 

        7. Jitan Sa’mi 

        What could be more restorative than an evening with one’s own hand in the presence of the Dragon Naydra and the Spring of Wisdom? The restorative waters of the spring bring about even deeper levels of PNC (post-nut clarity), and mid-session prayers to the goddess Hylia can grant that extra stamina you may need to push through.  

        6. Tena Ko’sah

        A Major Test of Strength is putting it mildly. With close proximity to both a Fairy Fountain and memories of our ex, this shrine can prove too much to handle for some adventurers. But for those with wills as strong as their grip, this shine can provide fulfilling and cathartic evenings. 

        5. Hawa Koth

        This remote desert spot is usually reserved for mediation on heavy hallucinogens. But for a weary adventurer, it can just as easily provide a shady spot to rub one out. Under the bones of an ancient creature and in close proximity to a fairy fountain, this shrine serves to remind you of your place within the dance of life.   

        4. Keo Ruug

        At the foot of the great Deku, feel yourself become one with the korok forest. Here, a sword has slept for centuries, aching to be released. Koroks will be watching, partially with genuine curiosity and partially with disgust.

        3. Saas Ko’sah 

        For when the monotony of guarding the castle becomes too much, this shrine becomes a castle within the castle with you alone to rule it. Hidden behind a fake bookshelf, this shrine has been used by castle guards for centuries, keeping them sharp and focused. 

        2. Shee Vaneer/Venath

        For those times when you’re with a friend, the twin peak shrines of Shee Vaneer and Shee Venath can provide each adventurer their own space while remaining connected. This shared experience is said to be one of the most intimate in all of Hyule.  

        1. Dila Maag 

        At the heart of the desert Labyrinth, this shrine is the perfect marriage of mental and physical stimulation. These ancient and sacred spaces remain cool all day despite the scorching heat of the surrounding desert. I’m sure that whatever lost civilization constructed this labyrinth would be pleased we’ve still found some use for it. 

        Why I Decided Not To Give My Children the T-Virus Vaccine

        Posted on by Steve Packosky

        OK, I know what you’re thinking: this is just another kook out there willing to endanger not only her children’s lives, but the lives of their classmates and teachers at Raccoon City Elementary School, because she read a few unhinged posts on Facebook. Trust me, I’m not some wacko conspiracy theorist. I did my research, and here’s why I decided not to give my children the T-Virus vaccine.

        When the Umbrella Corporation unleashed that horrible virus on our beloved city, I would have done anything for a preventative vaccine. Watching my neighbors and loved ones morph into mindless, flesh-eating zombies was an absolute nightmare, but the subsequent months we spent in quarantine allowed me plenty of time to think. Would a potential vaccine be worth it if I didn’t understand the side effects? How would it affect herd immunity? Should I just purposely expose my children to the T-Virus and allow it to run its course, like chicken pox? While the virus’s complete degradation of the human brain led me to opt against the latter, I ultimately decided that a vaccine just wouldn’t be worth the risk.

        Did you know 0.02% of the vaccine’s recipients reported serious side effects, like nausea and vomiting? I’m not subjecting my beloved Tyler and Jessica to that just so some pharmaceutical company can cash in! Also, they came out with that vaccine way too fast. What do they think we are, lab rats? I’ll just tell the kiddos to steer clear of any strangers they see stumbling through the streets of our decimated town, as well as any plant vines and dogs. And they certainly aren’t allowed to go anywhere near that labyrinth of a police station, because I’ve heard some pretty nasty stuff happened there.

        You know my neighbor Kirk? He had a stroke just two weeks after he was vaccinated. You think that was just a coincidence? Yeah right. Perfectly healthy 72-year-old chronic smokers don’t just experience something like that. There had to have been an outside cause, and I think it just might have been from a needle jabbed into his right bicep. You don’t need things like “direct causal relationships” or even “any evidence whatsoever” when the truth is staring you right in the face.

        This is just my personal decision. If you want to line up your kids with all the sheep down at the free clinic they set up in Kendo Gun Shop, be my guest. I won’t try to stop you from getting your precious little shots. Just don’t come crying to me when they get sick, all because you overreacted to the relatively slim possibility that they would morph into the walking dead. Trust me, I know what I’m talking about.

        The First Person Shooter’s Guide To Opening Doors by Kind of Running Into Them

        Posted on by Steve Packosky

        It seems like everybody loves first-person shooters, but they don’t seem to appreciate the plight that the average protagonist goes through in every game. Sure, you might be in good physical shape, but can you imagine yourself lugging around a pistol, knife, shotgun, machine gun, hand grenades, health serums, and any relevant information documents while running everywhere you go without so much as a spare minute to catch your breath? Not to mention having to ignore the constant strain on your quads from needing to jump from platform to platform, all while literally every other being you come into contact with is trying to kill you? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

        Well, since we’ve already established that your hands are pretty much full all the time, here’s a handy guide to circumventing the normally cumbersome door-opening process that both video game characters and actual human beings deal with on a daily basis. Did you know that many doors can be opened by just kind of running into them? That’s right! Oftentimes, these hinged hindrances don’t require so much as the turn of a knob to surpass, which is incredibly useful when you’ve been hurrying along with your weapon swaying rhythmically back and forth.

        So, how do you know when you can just shoulder your way through a door? Well, that’s where things might get a little tricky. You can simply sprint headlong into one, but if it’s the type to require a special command or even some type of keycard, you’ll be shit out of luck, especially if you have a demon or enemy soldier hot on your trail. It’s best to be on the lookout for doors that are already slightly ajar, and wooden with a flimsier structure to them than, say, a mechanized door that retracts into the wall beside it. On that note, it’s probably safer if you assume that this doesn’t apply to any door you may come across in settings such as research labs and military facilities, and keep your running-into strategy for places like abandoned schools, old houses, and shopping malls. We wouldn’t want you to take a bullet/claw swipe/bite in the back of the neck as you’re stupidly running in place while pressed up against an unyielding steel monstrosity.

        So what are you waiting for? These doors aren’t going to walk into themselves, so get ready to gear up and give them what for. You’ve got an entire city/lab/planet to save and/or wreak revenge upon!