Santa Accidentally Schedules Final Fantasy XIV Raid for Christmas Eve

Posted on by Brian Wishart

NORTH POLE — Santa Claus may be late starting his annual delivery run due to accidentally scheduling a Final Fantasy XIV raid on Christmas Eve, sources confirm.

“Everyone in my Free Company had availability on a weeknight,” said Santa. “That never happens. I just did not really consider that I had work expectations that night. I play as a healer and we’ve been trying to run The Omega Protocol for months now. I already bailed on a couple sessions earlier this year to watch the World Series. I can’t be ‘that guy’ who gets it moved again. I’ll try and get it done faster then cast Haste on the reindeer to try and make up for lost time.”

Santa’s wife says has had plenty of issues with her husband’s gaming getting in the way of his commitments.

“I have told him a million times what day Christmas is this year,” said Mrs. Claus. “We have a shared calendar in the kitchen that I have tried to get him to actually look at. If it’s not FFXIV, it’s another game. This oaf of a man didn’t do yard work once this year because he got hooked on Balatro. I have had to shovel all the snow myself and coordinate with the elves in constructing toys because Santa just has to get this current season’s exclusive loot in whatever game he is playing.”

Ryan Warburtin is a father of three in Ann Arbor. He says he is frustrated to learn that Santa is running behind but he understands as a fellow gamer his scheduling dilemma. 

“Jason, Karen and little Polly are going to be upset if Santa does not get the gifts delivered on time,” said Warburtin. “But I get it. It’s hard to schedule gaming sessions with friends as you grow older and have more responsibilities. I’m still trying to figure out a time that works for me and fraternity brothers to play a single round of Helldivers. You take whatever you can get. Maybe Santa can just tweak who is on the naughty list to make faster deliveries. I’m an actuary and I think that if he shifts 20% of good kids to the naughty list he might be able to make up 7% of the lost time of an average FFXIV raid. That little jerk Kyle down the block keeps walking on my grass and maybe Santa forgetting him this year will be the wake up call for him to stop.”

At press time, Santa declined to comment on rumors that the raid will be pushed back another couple hours due to a guild member forgetting they had a work holiday party to attend.

Man Changes Names and Dates on Captain Marvel Posts to Shit on Upcoming Supergirl Movie

Posted on by Brian Wishart

BOISE, Idaho — After the recent release of the Supergirl movie trailer, Mitch Nesbitt, a veteran of spreading hatred towards the Captain Marvel film and Brie Larson is ready to do the same for the upcoming DC project. He’s just going to change the name and dates on previous posts.

“I honed my skills attacking feminists and nerds online who are okay with women taking over our space,” said Nesbitt, a software engineer and self-proclaimed meme maker. “I already have these meme templates ready. I added a layer in Microsoft Paint to my funny joke of saying Captain Marvel is going to be the biggest woke bomb of 2019 so I could say Supergirl is going to be the biggest woke bomb of 2026. My new 6,000 word newsletter telling everyone to review bomb, whoops I mean truth bomb, Rotten Tomatoes, Letterboxd, and IMDb was made with find and replace. My blade is sharpened. I’m ready to make a stand.”

Supergirl actress Miley Alcock is prepared, having already looked at Captain Marvel and other female comic book characters that have been criticized by self-proclaimed “die hard fans.”

“I’m ready to see photoshopped memes complain that my butt is less juicy than Tom Holland’s Spider-Man,” said Alcock. “I am mentally prepared to see AI generated images of myself that make me look like a virgin’s idea of the ideal sex doll. I am proud of the work I and the rest of the Supergirl team has done bringing this character to life for worldwide audiences. I am trying to avoid the noise of all the commentators saying “nobody asked for this” while making 23 videos about my facial structure. They’ll still buy a ticket just to look at a woman.”

Some fans are waiting to see the quality of the memes before deciding to spend their hard-earned cash on a ticket for Supergirl.

“I saw Superman in the theater and thought it rocked,” said Matthew Reagan. “ A Supergirl standalone movie? I really don’t know what to think but if I see some X premium accounts post funny memes where Supergirl’s face is edited to be fatter or a comic where she scolds the male heroes and lectures them on women’s rights I might decide to see it on the second weekend instead of opening night.”

At press time, Nesbitt has pledged any money he makes from memes he posts to X will go towards finding a cure to the male loneliness epidemic which he claims to be a victim of.

Seymour Guado Awarded Blitzball Peace Prize

Posted on by Matt Fresh

LUCA, Spira — This week, Maester of Yevon and Minister of Temple Affairs Seymour Guado was awarded a special Blitzball Peace Prize by the officials of the Church of Yevon

“We are honored to award this peace prize to Seymour Guado,” said Grand Maester of Yevon Yo Mika. “If there’s anyone who deserves this most prestigious honor it’s him. He’s an upstanding gentleman, an excellent Maester and beacon of hope for Spira. He wants nothing but the best for Spira and its people.”

While accepting the award, Seymour assured the citizens of Spira of his commitment to bringing peace.

“What a great honor it is to finally be recognized for my peace efforts. There’s a lot of corrupt organizations in Spira that have a bias against me. They refuse to acknowledge how great I am at keeping Sin at bay. So I am very thankful to receive this very wonderful Blitzball Peace Prize. Finally, I get the recognition I deserve for being the most peaceful Maester ever. It is my duty to protect all of you from the evils of Sin and I will stop at nothing to make sure Spira is fully at peace. You are all in an endless suffering and I will do whatever it takes to end it. I will literally kill all of you if it means achieving peace. That’s how committed I am.”

Some in Spira say the award itself is simply meant to appease Seymour.

“It’s a bit of a joke award, ya,” said Blitzball player Wakka. “I mean blitzball is just a sport, what could a blitzball peace prize even be for you know what I’m saying. That Seymour is a bit of an odd one anyway, ya. It’s clear this is just Yevon giving him something to stroke his ego. They want to keep on his good side cause they’re afraid and spineless, ya.”

At press time, Seymour was reportedly seen brandishing his prize in front of an uninterested Lady Yuna.

Fallout Fan Has Same Music Taste As Grandpa

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

ORANGE COUNTY, Calif. — Local gamer and ‘Fallout’ player Jeffrey O’Toole has found a new way to bond with his grandfather Brian via their shared taste in music, which is exactly alike, confirmed sources.

“It’s been great to find something we both love,” O’Toole offered in a statement to the press. “I feel like for most of my life we never really connected very much. But then I started playing games like Fallout 3, Fallout: New Vegas, and Fallout 4, and I got so hooked on their soundtracks. Music was just better back in the 50’s and 60’s, man, I tell ya. When Pop Pop found out that I like to listen to tracks like The Wanderer, I Don’t Want to Set the World on Fire, Big Iron, and even Mr. Sandman, well, he just had a big ol’ smile on his face the likes of which I’d never seen before. He started talking to me about where he heard each of them for the first time. It was…really nice. Sorry, I’m uh, just getting a little emotional thinking about it.”

When approached for comment, O’Toole’s grandfather Brian had the following to say about his newfound connection with his grandson:

“Ya know, for a long time, I just wrote those darn game thingies off. Bunch of malarkey, if you asked me. But when Jeffrey told me they’d been introducing him to some of the greats, like Bobby Darrin and Nat King Cole, I thought to myself ‘I suppose it ain’t all bad.’ Those songs were the soundtrack to some of the best moments of my life: kissing Susie Jenkins in the Oldsmobile after prom, a big ol’ fudge sundae down at the malt shop…boy howdy, listen to me ramblin’ now. Well, anyways, we sat down on the couch at my daughter’s house and Jeffrey showed me these new-fangled things. I must say, I did enjoy the big suit of armor. It was pretty cool.”

Jeffrey’s mother Christine expressed both happiness and bewilderment at the new development in the family.

“Well, first let me just say, I think it’s amazing that my dad and my boy are finally sitting down and having long conversations. It’s just a joy. I just never thought it would be a video game that would do it. Between you and me, though, I always thought those old jazz and pop songs were kind of lame. I’m a classic rock girl – give me Pink Floyd or Zeppelin any day.”

At press time, Jeffrey and Brian were seen laughing together on the couch, genuinely enjoying each other’s company while they watched Walton Goggins gruesomely kill people and forming lifelong memories that will stay with them forever.

Santa Confirms He Will No Longer Be Gifting Xbox Consoles

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

NORTH POLE — Immortal elf Santa Claus confirmed that Xbox consoles will no longer be included in his yearly gift distribution event after they disappeared from his website earlier this fall.

“I will no longer be carrying Xbox consoles in my magical, bottomless sack,” said Claus. “It’s purely a business decision. I’m just not seeing the demand this year. When only two, three thousand kids put something on their list? It’s not worth my time to train the elves to make it. You’ve got to remember, we handle everything in-house. Production, marketing, distribution—the name of the game up here is efficiency. We can’t carry a weak product.”

Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella said that he was not concerned by the development.

“We still consider the North Pole workshop an important business partner,” said Nadella. “They’ve invested heavily in our AI ventures, and we’re thrilled to provide them with support from Microsoft Copilot. Think about it: Santa has to read billions of lists every year. Imagine the time he could save if he only had to read a short, fairly accurate summary of all of those lists. In fact, according to Copilot, shares in Nvidia are one of the most-requested gifts this year. Don’t miss out! For the love of God, please keep feeding money to the machine!”

Market analysts believe this signals a larger shift in how mythical beings will distribute gaming and tech gifts going forward.

“For years, we’ve heard rumblings that the traditional console model was unsustainable for these timeless creatures,” said Tim Lithgowe, an independent economics journalist. “As content becomes more widely available across multiple platforms, it makes less and less sense for these demigods to waste warehouse space on stock for a variety of consoles. They’re trying to get lean. Santa’s just-in-time-for-Christmas model in particular can’t accommodate any inventory that isn’t going to move. If a kid wants to play Fortnite, he’ll be just as happy playing it on Switch 2 or PS5.”

At press time, a North Pole spokes-elf announced that all remaining Xbox consoles in their inventory will be given to naughty children in place of coal.

Disney Adult Overjoyed by Hidden Mickey Found During Colonoscopy

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

ORLANDO, Fla. — Diehard Disney fan Adam Finemann was ecstatic to notice in his colonoscopy results that his bowels contained a hidden Mickey, sources confirmed. 

“I was looking at the camera stills with my doctor, who was talking about something boring called diverticulitis or whatever, and then boom, I saw it clear as day!” said Finemann, 43, grinning ear to ear. “A near perfect hidden Mickey, right there in my own colon! I could hardly believe my eyes. It was like I was transported right back to Epcot. I could practically taste the turkey legs.”

Finemann’s gastroenterologist, Dr. Paula Kochek, admits she wasn’t aware of the symbol’s significance.

“Adam scared me half to death when he screamed and started pointing at the computer screen,” said Kocheck. “I thought he saw something clinically significant I was somehow missing. Turns out, he was just very amused by a hyperplastic polyp that looked vaguely like Mickey Mouse ears. I offered to schedule a follow up to remove it, but he insisted he’d rather it ‘stay inside him forever.’ It’s benign of course, so that’s fine, but as his physician now I feel weird.”

Adam’s wife Chloe, also a self-proclaimed Disney adult, could hardly contain her spousal pride.  

“I always knew Adam had real Disney magic in him. I assumed it was figurative and not literal, of course, but clearly he’s even more special than I thought!” she said while picking her husband up from the appointment in their 2017 Toyota Camry with a vanity DSNYCPL license plate. “We’ll celebrate this weekend in Hollywood Studios—I booked us a little getaway, Lightning Lane Passes and all!”

The couple later added they intend to have a photo of the “miraculous” hidden Mickey in Adam’s colon turned into a magnet that they can put on their fridge. 

Quentin Tarantino Steps on Lego Piece, Orgasms

Posted on by Nick Coffman

LOS ANGELES — In a return to The Bret Easton Ellis Podcast, famed film director, Quentin Tarantino, shared that stepping on Lego blocks with his bare feet can bring him to orgasm. Tarantino shared this latest revelation while breaking down Toy Story 3.

“There’s just something about the raw pain oozing from that last five minutes of Toy Story 3,” Tarantino said, holding back tears and cum. “It reminds me of the first time I stepped on a Lego. It was one of those little 2×2 pieces, so it really got into my foot meat. I creamed in agony as I hopped around the room with a pain in my foot and a load in my Hanes.”

Sensing this anecdote was starting to get out of hand, podcast host Bret Easton Ellis tried to refocus the conversation on Toy Story 3. Tarantino did not take the bait.

“So now I can’t watch the last five minutes of Toy Story 3 without getting incredibly turned on,” Tarantino said, breathing heavily into the mic. “The urge got so bad I went and bought one of those buckets of Lego. You know? The one where you don’t really have anything to build with them, you’re just bullshitting. When I really get in the mood, I dump the bucket on the floor, take off my compression socks, light a candle, and step out into the mess. It’s the most sensational thing I’ve ever felt.”

Desperate to move the discussion along. Ellis transitioned to the next movie on Tarantino’s list, Black Hawk Down.

“The thing about Black Hawk Down is that it is directed by Ridley Scott,” Tarantino said collecting himself. “And nothing makes me bust like a Ridley Scott film.”

At press time, Tarantino checked into a Los Angeles hotel with a grocery bag full of Lego sets, lavender candles, and a DVD copy of Toy Story 3.

How to Turn Off Your Ad Blockers So You Can Watch The Game Awards

Posted on by Nick Coffman

The biggest night in gaming is right around the corner and with it comes the ever-present question, “How do I watch The Game Awards?” Fear not, reader. I have the SEO-focused instructions right here for you.

The biggest celebrities, the biggest game trailers, and the biggest name dropper in gaming will all converge in Los Angeles to celebrate the most commercial games of the year, and if you don’t follow this guide, you cannot watch it. Are you ready to find out how to watch The Game Awards? Well, I’m not ready to tell, I have a word count to meet. Onto the next paragraph of this piece.

Are you still here? Good. The biggest games are going to have the biggest trailers. You don’t want to miss them, or you are going to be the biggest loser at the water cooler. Let’s do it! Let’s reveal how to watch The Game Awards.

Kojima might be there. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson might be there. [Insert Third Popular Celebrity] might also be there, and you are going to miss it if you don’t follow this one simple trick. You have to turn off your ad blocker, my guy. Get it out of here. Do you really want to miss all the trailers and gaming adjacent celebs who don’t want to be there?

That’s right. Just turn off your ad blocker. While you’re at it, why not delete the ad blocker altogether? You are going to want to watch The Game Awards next year too, aren’t you? I mean you can keep it if you want, if you want to be the biggest loser at the water cooler who doesn’t know about the biggest game trailers that were shown at The Game Awards.

Quentin Tarantino Changes Opinion of Paul Dano After Seeing Him Say the N-Word in 12 Years a Slave

Posted on by Sean Fallon

HOLLYWOOD — Writer-director Quentin Tarantino has revised his earlier negative opinion of actor Paul Dano after seeing him say the N-word in 12 Years a Slave.

“I thought Dano was weak sauce,” said the 62 year old Tarantino. “But then I saw his performance as a foreman on a plantation in 12 Years a Slave and the way he dropped those N-bombs made me realize he’s actually awesome sauce. If I had known he could throw that kind of N-word around I would have cast him in any of many, many movies I’ve made in which a white characters, sometimes played by me, says that word to a black actor who has to stand there and swallow the bile that rises in their throat at both the thought of having to share the screen with my meager acting talents and that I’m shouting at epithet that I wrote in the script at them.”

Dano fans (Fanos) welcomed this announcement as the previous statements had them flooding the Internet with praise for their beloved Paul Dano.

“Paul Dano is a national treasure,” said Saul Mano, head of the Paul Dano Fan Club. “Swiss Army Man, Looper, and The Batman are just a few of the amazing performances he’s given where he hasn’t said the N-word. Luckily, there was one in there for Tarantino to latch onto in which Dano plays a virulent racist of the kind old QT loves to write, direct, and sometimes star as.”

Representatives for Paul Dano said the actor was glad to see the issue cleared up.

“There’s nothing worse than a Hollywood feud,” said Stephanie Marlow, Dano’s agent. “And we’re just glad it could be resolved with racially motivated language and not my plan, which was for Dano to show feet. Yeah, I had taken the pics. Shoes on, shoes off, socks on, one sock off, bare toes, painted toes. We covered all the bases. If this thing hadn’t been resolved, Tarantino was gonna be drowning in Dano digits. Luckily, those pics can be deleted now.”

At press time, Tarantino returned to the house he had recently purchased in Tel Aviv to write his final movie which will reportedly now follow the adventures of two descendants of plantation owners played by Dano and Tarantino himself.

Ganondorf’s Minions Suffer Existential Crisis Following Seventh Blood Moon Resurrection

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

HYRULE KINGDOM — Legions of Ganondorf’s horrible henchmen have reported suffering an existential crisis of sorts following their seventh resurrection back to this mortal plane via the Blood Moon, confirmed sources. 

“Me used to think job easy,” stated a recently-revived Bokoblin to the press. “Spot hero, swing club, die fighting. Had purpose. This now seventh life…did me not do good job first six times? What do differently this time? Things not make as much sense now. Starting to re-think life choices. Maybe I not attack hero this time. Maybe I start woodworking business like I planned out of college. Ganon have many other monsters. It time I ask self what true purpose is.” 

Ganondorf, wielder of the Triforce of Power and the legendary King of Evil, spoke about the frequency with which he brings his slain foot soldiers back from the grave.

“I do feel a little bad about bringing them back so often—occasionally,” said the Demon King. “But on the other hand, evil armies run up quite the tab, you know? Who do you think supplies them with all of their clubs, bows and other crude weaponry? If I have the ability to do it, which I do, by the way, then why spend more rupees than I need to? Plus, you have to think…it’s better than being dead. Is that insensitive to say? I don’t know. It’s true, in my opinion.” 

The Hero of Hyrule and wielder of the Blade of Evil’s Bane, Link, offered his thoughts on the matter as the primary person who sends Ganondorf’s minions to their mortal ends. 

“[Yeah, it’s never fun. It might look easy, building various horrifying contraptions to kill these guys, but it does take a toll on the brain. When I feel the worst is when I actually recognize the poor fellas after I’ve already slain them a couple of times.]” said the Hero, whose grunts and guttural screams were interpreted by a translator. “[It’s like, ‘Ah man, I know I blew up this Lizalfos with a bomb arrow last time. Sorry about that, dude. Unfortunately I do also have to burn you to a crisp with this flamethrower I put together.’ That’s just how it goes when you’re saving the kingdom. It’s nothing personal.]” 

At press time, the Blood Moon was seen rising once again, the aimless spirits of slain monsters returning to flesh, just as they did in a war long past.