NHL 24 Release Time & Date: When Does NHL 24 Come Out?

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

This year’s installment of the long-running ice hockey video game franchise, NHL 24, has a release time that’s almost here! If you’re wondering exactly what time you can rock the rink, this NHL 24 guide will tell you everything you need to know and more.

When Does NHL 24 Release?

What is the NHL 24 release time?

The standard edition of NHL 24 releases on the 6th of October in a simultaneous global unlock for PlayStation 4, PlayStation 5, Xbox One, Xbox Series X and Xbox Series S. Here are some localized times for major regions:

  • Eastern Time: Oct. 6, 12 PM EDT
  • Central Time: Oct. 6, 11 AM CDT
  • Mountain Time: Oct. 6, 10 AM MDT
  • Pacific Time: Oct. 6, 9 AM PDT

NHL 24 will not be released on PC or the Nintendo Switch.

Does NHL 24 Have Early Access?

Yes, if you own the NHL 24 X-Factor Edition, which retails for $99.99, you can play the game now, ahead of the later release date & time. Subscribers to EA Play can get a 10% discount on that, bringing the price down to $89.99. Even better, as an EA Play subscriber you don’t even have to buy the game, since you have access to a 10-hour trial that also begins on October 3rd.

What Is The Pre-Order Bonus For NHL 24?

NHL 24 Standard Edition owners receive just two pre-order bonuses:

  • 5x WOC Battle Pass XP Modifier
  • HUT Power Up Icon choice pack

NHL 24 X-Factor Edition owners receive five pre-order bonuses:

  • 5x WOC Battle Pass XP Modifier
  • HUT Power Up Icon Choice Pack
  • 4600 NHL Points
  • Exclusive Player Item, Stanley Cup Champion Cale Makar, who is the cover athlete this year
  • Dual Entitlement, which lets you play the game on both the last generation and current generation of your preferred console family

That’s everything there is to know about the NHL 24 release time & date. Check out our release guide on another upcoming release: Assassin’s Creed Mirage.

“Until the Dance & Skin Sales Improve, the Firings Will Continue”: We Interviewed Epic Games CEO Tim Sweeney

Posted on by Ron Portman

Epic Games, creators of smash hit Fortnite, as well as the controversial Epic Games Store, recently caused headlines by being the latest gaming giant to announce layoffs and terminations among its large staff. We spoke to Epic Games founder and CEO Tim Sweeney about the decision. 

Having laid off 20 percent of your workforce, what’s next for Epic Games?

We’re having our annual ‘CEO Winter Excursion’ where we meet up at a resort in Alaska and throw wads of cash at each other like they’re snowballs.

What were your thoughts on the recent Unity pricing changes?

Rotten timing. It was fun being the good guy while it lasted!

How can you justify getting rid of so many workers based on fiscal information you admitted you’d received just ten weeks earlier? 

Oh, that’s plenty of time. That’s like five fortnites! Not to be confused with Fortnite, our wildly popular game that grosses billions of dollars each year. 

You’ve laid off hundreds of workers responsible for your gaming success, and are now focusing on building a metaverse, despite the unwavering rejection of metaverses by the public. What inspires you to remain so true to your vision, as ill-suited for the current moment as it may be?

I pay several people very well to call me and text me throughout the day to tell me how smart I am. Honestly, those guys are right, too.

Do you have any messages for the employees that have been laid off recently?

I’m sorry that Fortnite didn’t prove popular enough to keep everybody on. Oh well. You live and learn in this business. 

What have your friends and family made of your recent decisions?

I’m sorry, my who and what? You said some really bizarre words in the middle of that question.

You own a bunch of land in North Carolina. What do you do there?

It’s ironically a bit like Fortnite when you think about it. I explore, I work on projects, and I shoot at anybody that I see.

Do you think you might be spending too much in legal fees in a case against Apple?

Of course not. I’ve started seeing that damn App Store logo in my nightmares. 

You said in your press release that you weren’t making as much money as you were spending, and that’s why 870 people lost their jobs. Did Fortnite really make six billion dollars last year?

Whoa, don’t change the subject like that!

I guess what I was getting at is shouldn’t the company behind the most popular video game of its time be able to keep a staff onboard without sudden layoffs?

Look, there’s a lot of overhead with a game and a company like this. A lot of mouths to feed. A lot more land to buy with my bonuses. It’s all very complicated.

Do you think you’ll be able to bring back any or all of the 870 employees that were just let go?

We’re hopeful that if we turn a corner and Fortnite starts making 11 figures a year, we might be able to pull it off. Otherwise, there’s just not room in the budget, I’m afraid.

So the low billions aren’t enough?

Oh, it’s good, don’t get me wrong. But hear me out, it could be more? I told everyone I wanted them to double the amount of skins we sold last year, and nobody listened! I’m afraid whatever we put out in the store this year just wasn’t enough. Until the dance and skin sales improve, the firings will continue, I’m afraid.

In your estimation, what should developers do when they can’t expect long term employment even at the most successful companies like Naughty Dog, Bioware, and Epic?

Um. I don’t know. Call Nintendo?

Do you think you and other CEO’s insistence on metaverses are hurting the lives of a lot of workers and their families?

Sure, I mean it’s possible. But if you can think of a better way to watch some shitty EDM concert on your PlayStation, I’m all ears, pal.

Hey, did you ever notice that the people who are the most insistent on us all hanging out in some new virtual reality are often the ones who are most out of touch with reality itself? Rich people that haven’t achieved happiness despite their success in the business world and whatnot. Did you ever consider that some people are having a better time in reality than you are?

No, I had not noticed that and I have not considered that. Um, I’m not sure where to go from here. You’ve got me all figured out, I’m afraid. Hey, can I fire you from this interview?

No, not really. I guess you could leave the room?

Okay. I am going to leave the room now.

Author’s note: Tim Sweeney left the room at this point.

Editor’s note: Yeah, I think they got that.

Author’s note: Okay, well excuse me.

Editor’s note: Don’t do this here, Ron. DM me or something.

Author’s note: Don’t do what?

Editor’s note: DM ME NOW!!@

Why I’m Never Buying Another Pokémon Game Ever Again Until the Next One

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

I’m a diehard Pokémon fan. Not to exaggerate, but I’m probably the biggest fan ever if I’m being honest. When a new Pokémon-anything comes out, I’m there and pre-ordered it six months ago. However, following the last Pokémon release, I don’t think I can support this company anymore until they release another game.

I haven’t played a more buggy, glitch-ridden, sad excuse for a Pokémon game since the last one came out. Frankly, the only reason I tried this one out was because it looked like they had learned the lessons of their disastrous last release. I think I can only give them one, maybe three more chances before I think about maybe possibly not buying another Pokémon game.

On top of the mess the base game was, they had the gall to release equally disappointing DLC that absolutely was not worth the rest I lost when I stayed up all night playing it. I can’t believe they’re releasing another ‘expansion’ for this. When that ‘expansion’ releases, that will probably be the last time I pull out my wallet for this game unless they announce more DLC, in which case I’ll buy that too, but I’ll do it begrudgingly. I swear to god. 

Worst of all, this new game didn’t even have my favorite Pokémon in it. I understand that not all Pokémon are included in each generation to lighten the load on developers while creating the game, and I was fine with that until they took MY favorite out. I don’t give a shit if there’s 100 new ones; frankly asking me to try anything new in a Pokémon game goes against the spirit of the franchise.

This last release was clearly a rushed, shambled together project held together with nothing but duct tape and Pikachu’s face. However, I’m sure the next game will have no problems at all and will perfectly recapture the magic of when I was 12. If it doesn’t though, I’m never buying another Pokémon game ever again until the one after that. I’m serious. 

Travis Touchdown Forced To Downgrade To Funko Pops Amid Economic Recession

Posted on by Kevin Podas

SANTA DESTROY — A particularly harsh job market has caused famous assassin and self-proclaimed otaku Travis Touchdown to sell off his collection of anime figurines in favor of the less expensive and less visually appealing Funko Pops.

“Man, I hate these fuckin’ things, but I can’t afford Figmas or even Nendoroids anymore,” said Touchdown. “It’s rough out there, man! I used to be able to make a living wage as a famous assassin, killing people for money and clout with my beam katana. Now I have to drive for Uber Eats on the side, and I have to sell my toys just to pay the rent! What’s this world coming to?!”

Touchdown’s wife, Sylvia Christel, is not too keen on his latest purchasing decisions.

“They are so creepy, I cannot stand how they just sit on the bookshelf staring at us with their big beady eyes,” explained Christel. “And they all look the same! I try to support Travis’ hobbies and interests, I really do, but I do not feel comfortable having these in the house anymore. I feel like they are going to come to life or something and just… stare at us, I guess.”

Touchdown’s friends and acquaintances noted changes in his mood and appearance.

“It’s tough to see Travis like this, it really is,” said Shinobu Jacobs, Touchdown’s swordsman apprentice. “Collecting pieces of plastic from shows and manga that he loves makes him happy. And these Funko Pops just aren’t cutting the mustard for him, I can tell. I may not fully understand it, but I try not to question his ways. He’s… kind of an odd guy, but at the end of the day, he is a master of the blade. And I guess I have to respect that.”

At press time, Touchdown was seen staring at his wall of Funko Pops completely dead-eyed, almost as if he were possessed by them.

Apple Announces Plan to Reduce Waste by Not Including iPhone in Box

Posted on by Saad Khan

CUPERTINO, Calif. — After a slate of environmental initiatives such as no longer including wall chargers with new iPhone purchases, Apple recently announced they would be taking their initiatives one step further: removing the carbon footprint of the iPhone entirely by no longer including it in the box when customers purchase one.

“We started our campaign to save the environment by removing the wall charger,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook, loading a stack of solid gold bars into a safe in his office. “That greatly reduced our cost. To the environment, that is. Now, we’re going even bigger: making an entirely carbon neutral iPhone by not including an iPhone in the box when customers purchase an iPhone.”

Struggling to close the safe door, Cook continued: “Manufacturing iPhones uses an immense amount of material. Mining these materials and transporting them is an extremely costly endeavor. To the environment, that is. That’s why we’re reducing this cost–this environmental cost–by removing the iPhone from the box completely.”

Asked about how consumers would react to the proposed move, Cook was optimistic.

“It shouldn’t be much of an adjustment for people,” Cook said, throwing his entire body weight against the safe door. “Many people already have an iPhone at home, so they won’t need us to include another one in the box. In fact, you could say it would be wasteful to do so. In the end, we have faith that consumers will understand and agree with our vision.”

Samir Alam, a long time Apple user, was initially confused by Apple’s decision to no longer include an iPhone in the box, but ultimately agreed with the move.

“I won’t lie, I was a little disappointed at first. I was looking forward to having an iPhone in the box when I bought an iPhone. But the more I think about it, the more I realize what a bold move it is. And Apple has always been about bold moves, like removing the headphone jack, removing Touch ID, removing 3D touch, and now, removing the iPhone itself. Is it a bit disappointing that I’m going to pay $1,000 for a box with a USB-C cable in it? Maybe. But that’s the price of innovation. At least that sticker’s still in there.”

At press time, leaked documents revealed further plans to reduce the iPhone’s waste by removing the USB-C cable from the box.

Troll With Riddles Forty-Seven Asking Way Too Much

Posted on by Cameron Snow

ROCKBELL BRIDGE — Pushing a traveling knight’s patience to the absolute brink, sources have confirmed that local gatekeeping troll Ugnor, infamous for his overbearing riddles forty-seven, was once again asking for way too much time and patience.

“Halt, weary traveler! If you wish to pass my hallowed bridge, you must first answer my riddles forty-seven!” bellowed Ugnor. “You shan’t phone a friend, nor may you offer any half-assed guesses! Each riddle requires your undivided attention and mark my words, if you answer incorrectly, we will restart from the very beginning! Yes, answer my forty-seven riddles, and then you may- actually, hold on, I just thought of another one! Forty-eight, it is!”

Local knight Arthur Ironhouse reportedly became very impatient after Ugnor forgot his place and insisted on restarting.

“By the gods, can we please be finished?” complained Ironhouse, who ultimately sacrificed seven hours and twenty-six minutes answering each and every riddle. “Usually it’s a quick three-riddle deal and then I’m on my way, but forty-fucking-eight?! I have things to do, man – I’ve got a damsel at four o’ clock, and a dragon at seven. Do you really have to use every riddle you can think of? You couldn’t have whittled it down to your best three? My whole schedule is thrown off now.”

A moment of vulnerability overcame Ugnor as he reached the final riddle.

“Truth be told, it’s not about the riddles,” confessed Ugnor. “Each riddle I pose is but a mere plea for connection in an otherwise solitary existence. Forty-eight? You’re right, maybe it is a little excessive, but each answer you give is a momentary break from the silence that haunts me every moment. So, valiant knight, why don’t you indulge this old troll a tad longer before the silence returns?”

As of press time, a group of knights were crowdfunding to build a second, troll-free bridge right next to Ugnor’s.

Kevin McCarthy Naively Answers Question ‘What’s the Shape of Italy?’

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

WASHINGTON — Speaker Kevin McCarthy was voted out of the job Tuesday after answering the deceptively innocuous question, “What is the shape of Italy?”

“A boot,” McCarthy told lawmakers in the U.S. Capitol’s south wing. “I’m not sure how that is relevant to the topic at hand. Any elementary school student would be able to tell you that Italy is shaped like a—”

Security cut off the former speaker at this point and had him expelled from the premises.

McCarthy’s chief rival, Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz, orchestrated the motion by posing the question.

“I got that fucker good, huh?” stated Gaetz. “Oh man, you should have seen the look on his face. I learned that trick from talking to teenagers. A thing I frequently and aggressively do. Look it up!”

Upon McCarthy’s dismissal, House Representatives were reportedly setting up a LAN party to play ‘Tower of Power’ on Ascension. 

 

 

Top Ten ‘Mortal Kombat 1’ Fatalities Ranked By How Awkward the Funeral Would Be

Posted on by Garry Kerls

Mortal Kombat 1 rewrites the history of the Mortal Kombat Universe, introducing a new timeline and catapulting the franchise into the future. However, despite the change in story and scenery, one thing remains the same: a lot of people die in this game. Dating back to 1992, the Mortal Kombat fatalities have become some of the most iconic deaths in video game history. But what happens after the screen fades to black? What becomes of the slain foe? And what would their loved ones think of their brutal demise? These are the top 10 Mortal Kombat 1 fatalities ranked by how awkward the funeral would be.

#10. Cyrax – Annihilation

Good news! No need for an awkward funeral when this fatality disintegrated the entire planet.

#9. Mileena – Appetizer

The entire congregation knows Mileena snacked on your brain like Olive Garden breadsticks. Now can we hurry the eulogy up? Everyone’s starving!

#8. General Shao – Spin Cycle

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kGl0DKkHryY

It’s taboo to gossip about how the dearly departed died at their own funeral. But if you were spun around like a windmill until the velocity tore your flesh from your body, word would get around pretty quick.

#7. Sindel – Hair Comes Trouble

After Sindel removes your arms, skull, and spinal cord from your body, she keeps it as a souviner, leaving your corpse looking like a caved-in CPR dummy. I suggest a closed casket for the service.

#6. Frost – Breaking Point

This fatality leaves nothing left than a skeleton wearing shoes. It must be embarrassing knowing your casket may as well be full of Halloween decorations.

#5. Havik – Atomic Heart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvQxuRUBB78

“Did you hear how they passed? Some guy ripped his heart out, planted his own heart in the empty cavity, and detonated it like a C4. It’s a shame when good people fall into the wrong crowds” – Aunt Cathy

#4. Johnny Cage – Hollywood Walk of Pain

Not only is this an embarrassing way to die, but your killer posted it to Instagram and got thousands of likes. There’s no doubt that video isn’t being sent around the post burial reception like a TikTok of a dog and a lion that became friends.

#3. Kitana – Royal Blender

This fatality leaves anything left of your dead body as unrecognizable muck. Imagine your closest friends paying their respects at an open casket full of boney, fleshy, goop.

#2. Reptile – Indigestion

The ultimate insult after death is being regurgitated by the beast that killed you. Great, now your half digested body is gonna stink up the whole wake!

#1. Nitara – Vaeternus KomBAT

Are you happy now? Grandma won’t come to the funeral because she thinks you’re gonna turn into a vampire. She’s convinced the 1,000 bats that flew down your throat and out your abdomen is an omen or something.

We Visited the Parkour Gym Where Every Video Game Protagonist Since 2015 Has Trained

Posted on by John Danek

Parkour is an urban freerunning activity that was considered cool for five weeks after Casino Royale came out in 2006. Since then, it has been the butt of jokes ranging from The Office’s Michael Scott to your younger cousin quoting Michael Scott, but one population is intent on keeping the thrill and unnecessary athleticism of parkour alive: video game protagonists. Today we’re going to check out the one gym where all protagonists train: Mirror’s Gym.

Mirror’s Gym is owned and operated by two legendary video game stars who left their mark on parkour. Faith Connors, protagonist of the dormant Mirror’s Edge series and Altaïr Ibn-LaʼAhad, star of the first Assassin’s Creed game started the gym together in 2010. They set out to spread their joy of parkour to other video game characters; by all measures, they have been wildly successful. Every single game protagonist since the year 2015 has trained at their gym, bringing flashy, superfluous movement to their respective titles.

Mirror’s Gym differs from other conventional gyms most obviously in its variety of terrain. There are the expected urban obstacles: highway dividers, fruit stands, and skyscraper roof HVAC units. But other areas in the gym offer ancient marketplace and temple themes, while the far corner simulates a hellacious, demonic netherworld. The gym boasts further amenities, like a smoothie station that sells health upgrades of all varieties: med kits, spinning hearts, cooked turkeys on plates, and red potions. The parking lot features a Fast Travel location, allowing for a convenient commute to any customer.

Current members include many stars of upcoming, hotly anticipated games such as multiple Na’vi from Avatar: Frontiers of Pandora. V of Cyberpunk 2077 fame returned to the gym to shape up before the release of this year’s Phantom Liberty expansion.

“This fuckin’ gym is so fuckin’ motherfuckin’ good. Always good to see that fucker Faith and that bastard shitstain Altaïr,” said V, while taking a break from practicing vaulting over cars and sliding into driver’s side windows.

Sadly, after an eight-year run at the very top, longtime members are concerned after hearing rumors that luxury fitness brand Equinox is considering buying Mirror’s Gym and increasing the price to 380 gold pieces per month. Keep an eye on this space for further details. 

That’s a Relief: ‘Starfield’ Raiders Using Correct Pronouns Whilst Attempting To Kill Main Character

Posted on by Alex McMillan

ALPHA CENTAURI — A group of raiders aboard a derelict space station have opened fire upon the protagonist of Bethesda’s Starfield, whilst being sure to pronoun them correctly, according to local reports.

“Watch out, they’ve got fragment grenades! We’ve gotta take that scumbag down” said Spacer captain Hodge Gulder. “They’re over there, reloading their laser pistol! Time to make you wish you were never born, asshole!”

When questioned about the incident after the player character had fled successfully, the wounded captain spoke of the importance of etiquette in space combat.

“It’s just common decency” said Hodge, whilst attempting to wrap some bandages around his gaping flesh wound, “just because we’re attempting to gun down a bastard for stepping into our territory doesn’t mean we can’t respect their identity.”

The change of procedure has been met with some criticism, especially from former members of the raider group.

“Back in my day things were simple, you just assumed everyone was a man until proven otherwise. Nobody had time to be offended because you’d killed them all,” said ousted former captain Needles Mackenzie, “This whole gender identity thing is total nonsense anyway, it’s basic biology that you can’t change genetics. Unless you visit a genetics lab.”

When reached for comment, the player character ‘Fliss’ simply supplied answers that amounted to “yes,” or a slightly more sarcastic “yes”.

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