How to Dress for Your Body Type as a Balrog Living in the Dark, Damp Mines of Moria

Posted on by Jordan Liffengren

Struggling to find the right style for your body type as a Balrog living in the dark, damp mines of Moria? Been there, done that. So look no further — this handy guide will help you dress to impress! You deserve to feel confident whether you’re dueling Gandalf “Miss Thing” the Grey, laying low in the Misty Mountains, or simply watching the goblin girlies flee at your presence. It’s time to reach your full potential and serve looks at every twist and turn, honey!

Always Make A Statement

It’s easy to go unnoticed as a demon slumbering amongst the ancient ruins of a once-mighty Dwarven kingdom. Let’s face it, you’re consistently surrounded by black smoke and shadows, so your first focus should be on a wardrobe that stands out. You encapsulate power and terror, so dress like it, babes! Don’t be afraid to sport the bones of your enemies with a cute statement necklace or fashion the flesh of the undead into a trendy pair of ballet flats.

Work With What You’ve Got

When you’re attempting to dress a beefy bod that’s twice the height of men or elves, it can seem completely hopeless fitting into a pair of skinny jeans. Especially when you’ve been lying dormant for 5,000 years! Instead of constricting and unflattering pieces that may or may not fit after a few millennia, try more forgiving items like ponchos or wrap dresses made of hides and sinew. Remember, you’ve still got a tight tush even if the last time you visited a gym was a few hundred centuries ago.

Choose An Appropriate Color Palette

You’ve been described as having luscious golden locks that look like a “streaming mane set ablaze.” This is what everyone else is trying (and failing) to achieve at the salon for $400 or more. Paired with your yellow eyes and red tongue, these dramatic features will pop with gold and silver accents. Good news—precious metals will be easy for you to find since you’ve been girlboss gatekeeping priceless mithril in the mines of Moria for thousands of years! Love this for you!

Accessorize To Your Heart’s Desire!


You might think a fiery whip is just too extra. WRONG! Whips and swords enveloped in flames have been seen all over the runway this season, and you’re gonna be the style icon who uses them for both form and function. Go off, Middle-Earth Chloe Sevigney!! I see you on the cover of Teen Shire. Consider dipping your accessory handles in orc’s blood for a bright blue glow that lets everyone in the club know, “I won’t ever stop poppin’ this Balrog-ussy!”

Save The Planet With Eco-Friendly Fashion

Bald is beautiful, and so is Gollum. This former hobbit can teach us a LOT about sustainable fashion. Yes, he might only be wearing a tiny piece of cloth from an old potato sack to cover his shriveled “eye of Sauron” and yes, he might be talking to himself in the shadows, but this decrepit queen is at the height of her reduce-reuse-recycle era. Instead of falling victim to fast fashion, this diva sticks to a capsule wardrobe that lasts for centuries. Okay, so a bob and a spray tan would do Gollum wonders, but we have to admire him for his conscious fashion choices. Try following in his footsteps by repurposing discarded Dwarf robes into a chic summer scarf or bonnet. Just make sure you don’t start referring to yourself in the third person, or bludgeoning passersby with blunt objects because they just “looks like they wantses our ring.”

No Horizontal Stripes

This advice is as old as Treebeard the Ent, but listen, if you want to snag a zaddy like Aragorn, you’re going to have to ditch the horizontal stripes. We don’t want anyone mistaking a bodacious Balrog like yourself for some common town troll. Instead, opt for patterns and bold colors—we suggest taking notes from literally any Elf. These hot and horny, bi-curious babes are always fashion forward, and you wouldn’t catch any of them of DEAD in horizontal stripes. Think about it—they’re rocking jewel tones, paisley, and fur like they invented it. And yes, they might be wearing something from 4,000 years ago, but you know it’s going to slay for 4,000 more.

Stay Vacation Ready

We know you’ll eventually be taking a much-needed vacay to Rivendell with your master, macho man-Morgoth, and we’re gonna make sure you’re dressed for the occasion! This place is Middle-Earth’s version of Greece, so there’s no playing around—you’re gonna need a one piece bathing suit and a bigass floppy hat that says “I just did a baby foreskin facial.” You are gonna LOVE the waterfalls, lush forest, and 5-star white linen bed sheets that people seem to wake up in after being attacked by Shaq-sized spiders.

Don’t Forget to Bring The Confidence

“You shall not pass?” More like, “You shall not pass that *ss up!” These style tips truly say, “I’m not just a balrog—I’m that b1tch!” So polish those horns and swipe on some lip gloss, miss musty dusty! It’s your time to shine.

EA Employees Nervously Update Resumes After Company Reports Strong Quarter

Posted on by Hard Drive Reporter

REDWOOD CITY, Calif. — Staff at Electronic Arts are reportedly anticipating layoffs after the company reported strong financials during the first quarter of the fiscal year, anxious employees confirmed.

“I heard the higher-ups were bragging about the company’s performance in the last quarter,” said Megan Harper, a senior developer in the EA Sports division. “We all know what comes after that: they’ll turn around and tell us working chumps that times are tough, and we all have to tighten our belts. The word “inflation” will be repeated until it sounds like gibberish. All of that adds up to me looking for a new job in a few months. Then the execs will increase their own compensation and give themselves bigger bonuses. The weird part is that this also happens after a weak quarter. I should have gone to business school.”

Andrew Wilson, the CEO of EA, says that the company’s excellent performance has no bearing on any potential upcoming staffing changes.

“Sure, I just informed our investors that we’ve brought in a truly astounding amount of revenue this quarter,” said Wilson. “That’s absolutely true. If I go on to tell our employees that difficult times are ahead, and we need to cut weight and become more agile, that’s not a contradiction. It’s not a lie, either. Times will be tough for all of those developers once they’re out of work. They should really try to become more agile.”

Financial analyst Michael Gorman said this type of cycle is natural to the gaming industry.

“Of course, it’s all standard practice,” said Gorman. “Whether you’ve had a terrible quarter, mediocre quarter, or made record profits, the next step is to lay off a huge chunk of your staff. If things were bad, then obviously they were to blame. If things were great, then they’re just a bunch of worthless leeches who are unfairly sucking up money that could be going towards buying yourself a new yacht. It always works out great — just look at how well Konami has done since they got rid of all of their dead weight.”

At press time, Andrew Wilson was seen rubbing chili powder into his eyes before starting a company-wide video call.

Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3 Lean Guide: How to Lean in MW3

Posted on by Noah Hunter

The lean mechanic can be incredibly useful in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3. Sometimes, aiming at a target at close range is easier when you’re not aiming down the sights. This feature offers you that ability by allowing you to lean with your gun instead of the traditional aim down the sights. With that being said, here is everything you need to know about the lean mechanic & how to use it in MW3. 

How to Lean in Call of Duty MW3How to Lean Call of Duty MW3

This ability is quite easy to use. First, you need to equip your weapon with a Canted Laser attachment. After doing so, your operator will automatically lean to the side when aiming in MW3. There isn’t a specific button to use this. Instead, it will naturally move as you walk around each map with your player character. Remember that this attachment and ability will make your laser visible to all enemies on the map. Additionally, you won’t be able to use any Optic attachments with a Canted Laser.

There’s also the Wall Mount. Here, find any wall and press the button indicated to lean to the side of the wall. You can really get a good angle on enemies this way. The above rules don’t apply here, as you do not need a laser to perform this.

How to Use Tactical Stance Tactical Stance MW3

Sometimes, aiming at a target at close range is easier when you’re not aiming down the sights. The Tactical Stance feature can be easily confused with the Lean mechanic, especially since both involve leaning your weapon. The key difference is that Tactical Stance offers you that ability by allowing you to lean with your gun instead of the traditional aim down the sights. Tactical Stance can be activated by pressing the key bind found under the weapon logo. This is in the bottom right of your screen; you will see a scope and titled angle logo. 

This ability is advantageous in close-quarter situations where you want to trade off accuracy for higher ADS speed. When encountering an enemy in close quarters previously, you couldn’t do much with a 4X scope equipped on an Assault or Battle Rifle. Now, flip the Tactical Stance mode on, and you can have a much better chance to take down an enemy.

It’s important to make sure you’re getting the most out of your PC for a game like MW3. Be sure to check out our PC Performance Settings guide to ensure your game is running as smoothly as possible!

Master Ball Prototype Finally Nearing Mass Production After 27 Years

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

SAFFRON CITY — After numerous iterations and experimentations over the course of 27 years, Silph Co. has revealed that the Master Ball prototype is now complete and will soon be available to the general public.

“We are pleased to announce that the Master Ball design has been fully completed,” said Silph Co. president Rodney Dexter. “No longer will trainers be required to whittle down Pokémon to their last sliver of health, paralyzing them, and putting them to sleep in order to capture them. No, the future is now one simple throw, and they will be under your command.”

Response to the announcement was divisive.

“At first I was like, ‘fuck yeah, that’s gonna make my job so much easier’,” said Ace Trainer Thomas. “And then they announced that price tag. Yikes. Not in my lifetime. I’ll wait until they lower it or another company makes a cheaper, slightly uglier version.”

Poké Marts around the world were prepared for the influx of customers.

“Midnight release for this thing is going to be insane,” said one manager of the department store in Celadon City. “I’ve already got people lining up outside, and it’s not even out for another two weeks! Must be nice to be a Pokémon trainer with nothing better to do. How do these guys make a living anyway? Is there some kind of tax write-off?”

At press time, scientists out of Cinnabar Island predict that legendary Pokémon will immediately go extinct once Master Balls are made affordable enough for the average consumer.

Call of Duty MW3 Firing Range Guide: How to Access It

Posted on by Samam Hasan

Want to know how to access the firing range in Call of Duty MW3? Call of Duty: Modern Warfare III is out now for players to enjoy the latest of what Activision has to offer from its premier shooter series. With a bunch of new features and additions, the combat in MW3 will surely be intense and addictive. One of the returning features from previous games is the addition of the firing range. It’s a useful addition to test out various favourite weapons and equipment. So, let’s find out how to access the firing range in CoD MW3.

How to Enter the Firing Range in Call of Duty MW3

The menu to access the firing range in Call of Duty MW3.

To enter the firing range in Modern Warfare 3, you’ll have to go to the Weapons tab from the main menu. There you will have the option to go to the Firing Range to test out your weapons.

Additionally, there is also an option to get the range from the loadout menu as well as the Gunsmith menu. This is particularly useful as you might be unsure what weapon to use in a match. Or, you might want to try out all the different kinds of attachments CoD MW3 offers. The firing range is a perfect spot to test everything and build out your arsenal.

In the firing range, you’ll have three dummies set at close, medium and long-range. These are there to ensure you can test out weapons suited for all types of distances. Not only that, you can modify your dummies to have different sets of armor, which will further help you in refining your weapons and equipment.

After finding out everything from the firing range, you’ll have to tune and customize your weapons to make them devastating. This’ll ensure your guns do not have any weaknesses, and you’ll be able to take down enemies in no time.

So, that’s everything you need to know about getting into the firing range in Call of Duty MW3. We also have guides on the best PC settings and aim assist settings, so make sure to check those out as well.

Vengeful Gamer Terrorizes Friends By Choosing 50-Turn Game in ‘Mario Party’

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

GLEN ELLYN, Ill. — In a move that many are describing as sick and twisted, a vengeful gamer has chosen to terrorize his friends by selecting a 50-turn game in Mario Party.

“That’s right, we’re doing all 50 turns. Hope you picked the characters you really like!” explained spiteful gamer Chris Bach. “You better make sure you’re ready to spin that control stick for your life, or mash that A-button for as fast and as long as you can, because this could take upwards of three hours! Mwa ha ha!”

Bach’s friends were confused and bewildered by his behavior.

“Man, what did we ever do to him to deserve this?” asked friend Kevin Park. “This was supposed to be kind of a chill hang-out sort of night, maybe grab a pizza and hit up a bar later, but he’s absolutely committed us to this game. I texted our other friends to let them know they might not see us for a while. A long while.”

As the game entered its halfway point, morale was at a record low for the evening.

“Oh great, Balloon Burst again,” said Thomas Smith, letting out a huge sigh. “I don’t think I have the endurance for these mini-games anymore. I don’t think I can handle someone stealing another star from me again. I don’t think I’m gonna make it. If I can’t get someone to fill in and play as Donkey Kong for me, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

At press time, Bach revealed that he was upset because one of his friends forgot to plug in one of his controllers the night before.

Lonely Man Actually Really Excited for Nintendo Game to Hold His Hand

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

BATAVIA, Ill. — Despite complaints surrounding some of Nintendo’s first-party releases being too hands-on, one lonely man expressed excitement for such an experience.

“Oooh, I hope they teach me how to make Mario jump,” said lonely gamer Matthew Shane, feigning interest for attention. “I really don’t mind if some of Nintendo’s games take a while to get started. It makes the experience less lonely, if I’m being honest.”

Shane continued to muse on his experiences.

“I saw a lot of people complaining that some of the Zelda tutorials take too long, and I couldn’t disagree more,” explained Shane. “Because once they let me off on my own, it’s kinda like, okay, great. Now I have nobody left to talk to. Well, nobody worth my precious time, that is.”

Developers at Nintendo weren’t surprised to hear that some gamers were finding solace in their over-explanations.

“Our games tend to have a wide demographic ranging from all ages,” said Takashi Tezuka, a lead game designer at Nintendo. “So either children need to have things explained in great detail in order to understand them, or an adult playing, say, Pokémon Sword on a Friday night might just want to have the simplistic turn-based battle system explained in excruciating detail because nobody is texting them.”

At press time, Shane was seen spending way too much time hanging out around the Talking Flower in Super Mario Bros Wonder.

Nintendo Announces Two-Hour Unskippable Zelda Cutscene

Posted on by Brandon Talley

TOKYO — Nintendo is partnering with Sony to release a two-hour unskippable Zelda cutscene, sources mashing the start button confirmed.

“Everyone loves that feeling of limitless choice and possibility when you pick up the controller to play the latest Zelda release,” said Nintendo Executive, Akira Murakami. “That’s why we’ve decided to completely get rid of that. Now it’s all cutscene. We think that removing the core mechanic of our chosen art form will open up our franchise to a wider audience.”

Fans of the series were disappointed by this departure from previous entries in the series.

“Who even watches the cutscenes?” asked Zelda fan Sam Barkman. “I always skip them and I don’t see why I have to stop now. I thought video games were about choice. I don’t care about bird people, or fish people, or weird magma troll people. For some reason I do care about the tall lady people. Is this going to be a 100% tall lady cutscene? Because I might be into that.”

Hollywood analyst Peter Hench sees this as huge leap forward for Nintendo as a company.

“Up until the Mario cutscene was released earlier this year, nobody in Hollywood had even heard of Nintendo,” Hench said. “Now, they’re a household name, all thanks to us. I’m glad to see that Nintendo executives are finally taking their business seriously by transitioning into longer cutscenes. Just think, Nintendo may someday have a cutscene as successful as Final Fantasy: The Spirit Within.”

At press time, Nintendo was reportedly considering paid DLC that would allow you to skip straight to the credits.

I Owe Money to an Actual Raccoon and It’s Much Less Whimsical Than Animal Crossing Would Have You Believe

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

Everyone understands that video games do not accurately portray reality. In real life, eating a flower won’t let you throw fireballs, nor can you recover from a dozen bullet wounds by ducking behind a short wall for a few seconds. It’s common sense that games must take some liberties in order to be, y’know, games. Still, creators have a responsibility to ensure that their works don’t spread harmful misinformation. Unfortunately, Nintendo shirked this responsibility when they created Tom Nook, a cartoon raccoon from the “Animal Crossing” series who loans the player money to buy a house.

Tom Nook is a patient and affable lender, who does not impose any deadlines on the player and allows them to pay him back at their own pace. I can say from experience that this is not how a real raccoon would behave. They won’t let you forget about the money you owe them. Just ask that piece of shit loan-shark Randy Bandit, a raccoon who lives in my neighborhood and gave me a payday advance. That asshole is scratching at my window every goddamned night. “Where’s my money, Kyle? You still owe me that money.” Yeah, Randy, and don’t I know it. I’m gonna get you your damn money, just let me fucking sleep.

“Animal Crossing” also makes it way too easy to pay back a raccoon loan. You can just sell Tom Nook stuff like furniture, fruit, and fish, and soon enough, you’ve got enough cash. Randy Bandit owns a pawn shop, too, but he’s not quite as generous as Mr. Nook. In fact, his valuations are garbage, and that’s what he really loves: garbage. He spends most of his time in the damn dumpster. Plus, one time he took the watch I was trying to pawn and didn’t pay me anything. He claimed it was counterfeit and said it would be illegal to give it back to me. That was my grandfather’s watch, Randy! He wore it through the war! It wasn’t some knock-off from “Chinatown” like you claim. Our city doesn’t even have a Chinatown!

Randy’s got a lot of side-hustles. His new thing is that he’s an independent contractor, kind of like how Tom Nook will expand your house in “Animal Crossing.” Randy is just as pushy as Tom is in the series’ earlier games, refusing to take “no” for an answer when he suggests that you put in a bay window or replace your carpet with hardwood floors. The difference is Randy doesn’t actually do the fucking job. Oh, sure, he does the demo right away, ripping out your old flooring, putting a big hole in your wall, and covering it all up with an old, ripped-up tarp. But then he disappears. He doesn’t even show up at night to hassle you about the money you owe him.

Eventually, you go down to the pawn shop to confront him, and he acts like he has no idea what you’re talking about. You threaten to report him to the city, but it turns out that he never got his business license and there’s no paper trail, so you’re stuck finding a different contractor to complete the work at twice the cost. Oh, and guess who’s back tapping on your bedroom window at two in the morning, demanding you pay back your loan or he’ll tip over your trash cans? That’s right: Randy Fucking Bandit. And that is his real middle name. I’ve seen his driver’s license.

There’s one other thing about Randy that rubs me the wrong way, even though it shouldn’t be a big deal. It’s just that I can’t help but notice how he’s become increasingly nervous when there’s water around lately. I’m not sure what that’s all about, but it’s been making me uncomfortable. Fucking Randy.

We’re Starting a Rumor That Andy Samberg Is Going to Play Wolverine

Posted on by Kenny Rohrbacher

Hello readers, it’s your favorite video game journalists Hard Drive! We’ve been thinking a lot about how to increase our reach and influence, and we think we’ve hit the perfect solution: fake news! That’s right, we’re gonna lie our way to the top by making things up! And we have what we think is the perfect initial volley: we’re going to start a rumor that Andy Samberg has been hired to play Wolverine in the Marvel Cinematic Universe!

It’s basically the perfect rumor. Think about it: he’s the precise level of star they’ve been going after since Phase Four started. You’ve heard of him for sure, but he’s not like a Scarlett Johansson, you know? Plus, they’ve really been on a kick with comedians lately. Chris Pratt? Kumail Nanjiani?? Awkwafina??? By this point, it’s only a matter of time for our pal Andy anyway!

Sure, at 5’10” he’s noticeably taller than Wolverine (canonical height: 5’3″. Short king!). But you freaks ate up Hugh Jackman (6’3″!) in the role, so I don’t want to hear it! Plus, it’ll give us the chance to have Joanna Newsome in a fun cameo. Kitty Pryde, anyone?

And finally, the biggest reason why we’re telling people Samberg is perfect as Logan is because it’s sure to piss off all the big MCU heads that are going to be up in arms, claiming he’s “too funny” or “can’t embody the character’s rage” or whatever. Are you seriously going to tell me you think the star of Space Chimps doesn’t have range? That the man whose dick was in a box doesn’t know pain? Ridiculous. I’m scoffing at you! This is me scoffing at you!

You may be wondering what our next Fake Rumor is. We can’t tell you yet, but I’ll give you a hint: his star turn as Spider-Ham made his casting decision a… “snap”!! Stay tuned!

(John Mulaney is the new Thanos.)

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