Logan Paul Challenges Little Mac to Final Destination Fight

LOS ANGELES — Controversial YouTuber and aspiring boxer Logan Paul has issued his latest high profile challenge: a bout with amateur boxing legend Little Mac at the iconic Final Destination fighting arena. 

“Whoa, no fucking way,” said fan Alan Lowe. “Normally I could give a fuck about that dipshit, but I’ll buy that fight for sure. Absolutely. Holy shit! He said they’re actually going to construct the Final Destination arena. Was that for real? It’s like in space or something. Paul’s gonna get absolutely rocked for picking a fight with Little Mac that has no platforms. What a complete dumbass. I can’t wait to get in the stands and chant the name of the fighter who’s currently doing well.”

Sharing in the boxing world’s enthusiasm was Little Mac’s legendary trainer, Doc Louis. 

“Dancing like a fly, bite like a mosquito!” said Mac’s longtime trainer after being asked a question about the fight’s location, which will reportedly be built at Paul’s expense. “Listen, Mac! Dodge his punch, then counter punch! Join the Nintendo Fan Club today!” 

While many speculated that Little Mac’s experience would prove to be no contest for the popular vlogger, Paul remained firm that he ought to be considered the favorite to win, should Mac agree to the fight. 

“I’m not scared of the smallest boxer I’ve ever seen,” said Paul. “I’ve boxed Floyd Mayweather Jr. Bring on Little Mac, I ain’t scared. Every tape I’ve ever seen of this kid fight in the last ten years he’s just getting lit up by Sonic, Cloud, Luigi, you name it. I’m paying for Final Destination, we’re fucking doing this and I’m doing it the way that everyone respects: time, items on high, and with several CPUs running around.” 

Details on the fight are still developing. As of press time, Logan Paul was seen working on his two-frame punishes.

When asked to comment, Smash Bros. creator Masahiro Sakurai said, “please don’t ask me to put Logan Paul in the game. I am so tired.”

Creepypasta About Haunted Video Game Just Someone Playing ‘Sonic Forces’

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — A controversial post at the top r/creepypasta has divided readers, some of whom believe that the details of the glitches encountered by the author, although bone-chilling, sound like a description of a typical experience playing the 2017 video game Sonic Forces.

“Yesterday at Gamestop, I discovered an unlabeled black Switch cartridge on sale for 13 dollars,“ began the post by u/JC_The_Hyena. “I started playing and made my own character who had my real name, which was probably a huge mistake. Not long afterwards my character fell through the floor into an empty void of nothingness and I was helpless to save them. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, the game granted me mercy by crashing and restarting my Switch.” 

Commenters on r/creepypasta familiar with bugs in Sonic Forces were quick to diagnose the issue, asking admins to lock the thread on the grounds of its misleading title “There’s a Blurry Blue Monster In My TV And I Don’t Think I Can Outrun Him Forever.”

“This isn’t a real ghost story, that’s clearly just a description of the wall-clipping bugs in the waterfall level of Sonic Forces,” said one Redditor, who thanked us for the gold, but asked to remind a kind stranger. “Also I’m pretty sure someone just peeled the label off of the cartridge you bought, there should be nothing to worry about. I mean, except for everything about playing that game in the first place.”

At press time, JC_The_Hyena had reportedly left a follow-up comment with increasing certainty that he’d experienced a paranormal event after having to endure one of Sonic Forces’s incredibly buggy quicktime events.

Health-Conscious Dracula Now Stocking Walls With Fruits and Vegetables

CASTLEVANIA — In an attempt to be more health-conscious and diet-friendly, Count Dracula Vlad Ţepeş has reportedly taken it upon himself to replace the pork chops, turkey legs, and other comically large hunks of meat that had previously been stashed throughout various false bricks of his castle’s walls with healthier alternatives of fruits and vegetables, sources have confirmed.

“It’s hard to keep track of my figure, especially since I can’t see my reflection in the mirror or even take photos of myself,” said Dracula, casually tossing yet another glass of wine down the flight of stairs adjacent to his throne. “But it turns out I put on a few pounds over the last few months when I wasn’t paying attention. I tried the whole keto thing for a while but it didn’t really work out for me since my blood sugar is already so low. So I said, to myself, Vlad, no more junk food. It’s only fruits and vegetables in the castle from now on. I used to have a lot of hiding places for my rotisserie chicken snacks, but I’ve cleared those all out. Temptation is one of mankind’s greatest sins, after all.”

The Belmont clan, who are sworn to slay Dracula whenever he reawakens from his slumber or is resurrected from the dead, expressed disappointment at the change in food options available to them while adventuring.

“My family has been storming this castle for hundreds of years,” Richter Belmont said. “We’ve been able to get by on the sustenance of  the fatty, greasy foods hidden throughout Dracula’s keep. Imagine my shock when I extended my whip expecting to find my favorite wall chicken, only to be met by a plate of orange slices, a Fuji apple, and a bowl of legumes. What the fuck are legumes, even? They look like beans, but they’re vegetables? How am I supposed to replenish my HP after a boss fight with this?”

According to Dracula’s son Alucard, Dracula is no stranger to succulent desires.

“This isn’t the first time father has tried to curb his appetite by keeping ‘junk food’ out of the house,” said Alucard. “He’s got so many hiding spots for snacks it’s honestly shocking. I’ve done a full raid of the place from top to bottom and still find myself getting confused from time to time. Hard to believe he’s got a memory that good after all these years, must be all the fresh blood keeping his brain sharp.”

At press time, sources confirmed that several pints of ice cream, figgy pudding, and pork roasts could still be found hidden in the walls of Dracula’s secret inverted castle for special emergency cravings.

CDC Struggling to Find Word for New Covid Variant That Lets You Rearrange the Letters to Spell “Media Mind Control Now”

ATLANTA — The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is reportedly struggling to find a name for a new hyper-contagious strain of COVID-19 so that Americans can rearrange its letters to form the phrase “media mind control now.”

“This is like my own personal game of Wordle,” said CDC Director Rochelle Walensky. “We got C,O,I,D, in there already, so that’s good. But that’s only a handful of letters, so we need a really long name in order to get all the way there. And what happens to the V? Maybe people can flip it upside down to form part of the M or something? It’s hard work, to say the least, but we are working around the clock to make sure that we have a proper response to the pandemic — and by that, we mean building up the fun ARG for Americans to play with the different strains because that’s literally all we’re ever going to do to fight this thing. Wear a mask!”

Fans of the word-game associated with COVID-19 have grown impatient about the release of the new variant.

“My family and I had such a blast messing around with the Omicron letters, but that was all the way back in January. When are we going to get this new strain name going?! The CDC is really sitting on their asses here!” said Olivia Grace, 47, an actuary in South Carolina. “We really need to stop having the corrupt government handle this pandemic, and open everything back up so that small businesses can be the ones who lead the way on naming things such that they spell out creepy phrases after rearranging the letters.”

At press time, hundreds of thousands of people across the world had already contracted the unnamed variant.

Man Keeps Starting Side Quests While Whole World Freaks Out About Main One

LOS ANGELES — Local hero George R.R. Martin has reportedly worried everyone focused on his main quest, conquering A Song of Ice and Fire, while he continues to pile up unfinished side quests, according to those familiar with the situation.

“People keep asking me for help with their sidequests, what am I supposed to do? Say no? I can’t let these people down — they simply want me to collect several new stories about Dunk and Egg,” explained Martin. “Every day I walk into some office and a guy in a suit asks me to do some new thing and I say yes. It’s hard to even tell who’s a quest-giving person and who’s just an angry fan! This is why I hate open worlds that don’t give you more clues as to what you should be doing. Except Elden Ring, of course; I was really happy to spend a good chunk of my time completing that side quest.”

While Martin’s main quest continues to rage on, many concerned citizens have spoken out against him.

“It would be like if our world was being held hostage by a giant evil demon-lord and George spent his days trying to win fishing contests. But it’s not like that. It’s worse,” said Twitter user @ManyFacedTodd.

“It could be really dangerous if he doesn’t focus on the main quest. I know he thinks time just stands still while he does these side quests, but it’s not the case. I mean look at what happened with the Game of Thrones TV show!” said Redditor u/VarymyrForeskin.

“Honestly I don’t care at this point,” said Tiktoker @TheonNojoy. “I’ve written more angry screeds about George delaying Winds than he has written books. And I’m not talking about just this series.”

At press time, Martin had signed up for yet another side quest, agreeing to travel to Ukraine to help fight back the Russian invaders with the local military.

Yakuza Boss Would Feel More Comfortable Discussing This Shirtless on Rooftop

KAMUROCHO 一 After battling his way to the top offices of the Millenium Tower, an on-again, off-again yakuza chairman reportedly came face-to-face with the boss of a rival family, who suggested they relocate to the rooftop, where they could discuss things more shirtlessly.

Though a man of few words, Kazuma Kiryu, the intermittent yakuza leader and orphanage manager locally known as the Dragon of Dojima, admitted that the elevator ride up with his adversary was “a little uncomfortable.”

“The elevator was playing a muzak version of Baka Mitai, my favorite song,” Kiryu recalled. “It took all of my willpower to avoid tapping my foot to the beat.”

Once both parties had made their way to the rooftop, the leader of the rival yakuza family, Tsuneo Iwami, monologued for approximately fifteen minutes about his careful planning of an intricate (and at times convoluted) criminal conspiracy involving an undersea World War II battleship, a teen pop sensation, and for some reason, slot car racing.

“I honestly didn’t understand everything he said,” admitted Kiryu. “I just tried to furrow my brow, look intimidating, and shout something when I recognized a keyword or phrase.”

Upon concluding the monologue, Iwami ripped off his shirt, undershirt, and jacket in one fell swoop, revealing a beautifully intricate tattoo of a Japanese macaque parasailing off a waterfall made of katanas. Having been in this situation before, Kiryu responded in kind, ripping off the top half of his outfit as if it were cellophane. Once fully shirtless, the two finally engaged in the type of bare-knuckle combat that only partial nudity could provide. 

“There is something about grappling bare chested and sweaty with another man that makes a yakuza feel alive,” explained Makoto Date, a detective with the Tokyo Metropolitan Police Department. “Whether standing in the freezing rain or knee-deep in sewer water, you can bet your ass that they’ll be ripping their shirts off and revealing back tattoos so elaborate they’d make Ben Affleck weep with envy.”

Once Kiryu had successfully bested Iwami in hand-to-hand combat, Iwami revealed there was one last thing Kiryu still had not considered.

“Before he could finish his sentence, another yakuza shot him in the head,” Kiryu explained. “Then I had to fight that guy shirtless as well.”

Moments after Kiryu spoke with the press, an unnamed yakuza entered the Champion District bar where he was located and shot him in the head and stomach. Kiryu was pronounced dead on arrival at Tokyo University Hospital, though his body has since gone missing.

“Poor, sweet Kiryu-chan,” said Goro Majima, a one-eyed man in a snakeskin jacket who claims to be Kiryu’s closest friend. “He’s wrestling shirtless angels in heaven now.”

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

Heads up, this is going to majorly spoil the very recent movie The Batman. If you don’t want to read spoilers for The Batman, don’t read this article. Instead, press ctrl-A, and then ctrl-C, and then open up chats with all of your friends who have seen the movie (and enemies who haven’t) and press ctrl-V and then Enter. Thank you!

I watched The Batman this weekend and enjoyed it; it’s too long, but it has cool visuals, a fun detectivey Batman, emo Bruce Wayne, and a lot of talk about posting online. One of the better superhero movies in recent years, if you ask me. But there’s one thing I found frustrating about the movie, and it’s something I’ve been noticing a lot in superhero movies and TV shows. Superhero movies love to have villains who are absolutely correct in their convictions until the movie remembers that they have to be the villain, so they randomly do something that makes no sense.

In The Batman, the main villain of the movie is the Riddler, played by Paul Dano as a sort of “what if Jigsaw watched too much breadtube?” The Riddler’s main complaint about Gotham is that the rich and powerful don’t care about poor people, who are left to suffer, and that funding meant to help people has instead been lining the pockets of corrupt police and politicians for twenty years. To show the people of Gotham the crimes of these corrupt politicians, Dano begins elaborately murdering them, or worse, forcing them to publicly confess on social media. I’m not condoning murder, but the Riddler seems pretty right to be upset about these people and the movie shows that he’s a clever villain with a clear message. At the very least, the character the Riddler is a heightened version of the very real anger that people feel.

Until, in the third act, it turns out that the Riddler’s big finale is to flood the entire city of Gotham, basically creating a New York City sized Hurricane Katrina disaster for his hometown. Why? How does it make any sense that someone whose main goal for two and a half incredibly long hours was to “unmask” the corruption of the rich and powerful in Gotham all of the sudden want to just kill a bunch of poor people? Anyone who knows anything about American history knows that when there’s a disaster like the one he created, all it does is destroy the lives of the poor while letting the rich pick up the pieces of a broken society, furthering the massive wealth gap that already exists between those people. Hell, even in New York City (which Gotham is clearly meant to be in this one, considering subtle references like Gotham Square Garden and the Gotham Empire State Building), there was some pretty minor flooding last summer that killed several people who live in — often illegal — basement apartments. So what the fuck, the Riddler? 

And before I get too far into this, I know: he’s insane! He’s the bad guy, so of course he’s supposed to be wrong. I guess? There’s not really any argument I can make against “it doesn’t make sense because he’s insane,” but even the idea that he suddenly becomes corrupted by the murder frenzy of his righteous goal doesn’t really make sense. The Riddler is shown to be an ideologue throughout the movie. He’s not a genius or anything (some of his riddles are even a little silly, dare I say), but he has this flooding master plan the whole movie and it just doesn’t really make any sense with all the other things he says or does.

In fact, it feels like there’s a trend in these movies. In recent years, Joker, Black Panther, and even that The Falcon and the Winter Soldier show that no one except me watched, all have some version of the same thing where the villain spends most of the first part of the movie being mostly correct, only to remember that they’re the villain in the second half. It’s usually some sort of vaguely leftwing or populist anti-rich or anti-imperialist thing that’s riding off of the very genuine anger and frustration that people feel in the world right now and then the villain does something outright evil that makes absolutely no sense with that idea in mind.

And The Batman is a movie about how all its characters are part of the system of violence in Gotham; Batman, the Riddler, the cops, the mob, and everybody else. All you can really do is try to break out of it and do the right thing. Yeah, sure, but the fact remains that the Riddler is exposing evil politicians and Batman is a billionaire who beats the living shit out of grocery store thieves.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think that Marvel and DC movies are made by the CIA or whatever, although it would be a pretty cool twist if they revealed the Riddler was actually just an FBI agent masquerading as an anarchist as part of COINTELPRO. There’s absolutely a lot to be said about corporate movies and conservative CEOs and Marvel working with the U.S. military, but no, I think this problem just stems from Hollywood writers wanting to make their villains relatable, but not knowing what to do with it. 

They see that people are upset about our increasingly unfair society — hell they’re probably pretty progressive themselves — so they imbue their villains with a righteous sense of anger that they see happening in the real world. But the good guy still has to be Batman, right? So give the baddie an evil plot at the end. I don’t want to make assumptions, but maybe the Hollywood producers and directors who work on these movies don’t actually quite understand the core of the complaints their own villains have.

So what’s the solution? I don’t know, I don’t have one. I’m just complaining. At the end of the day, I guess all I want is one of two things, and the people in charge of the world can pick whichever one they want:

Option A: Superhero movies stop having villains who completely go against their own ideology for no reason other than to be evil. Maybe we go back to bad guys who just like doing evil shit for a while. Remember when Batman villains became Batman villains because they just think crime is super fun?

Option B: We fix society so that the problems these villains are complaining about only exist in movies and it’s less annoying to watch.

Your call!

Pokémon Champion Suspended After Attempting to Register Pikachu Nicknamed “Fucker”

RUSTBORO CITY — Rising star Pokémon trainer and recent Hoenn champion Ashton Mitchum, 12, has been put on indefinite suspension for trying to register a Pikachu nicknamed “Fucker” with the league’s Hall of Fame.

“C’mon it’s seriously not a big deal, I thought it was funny,” said Mitchum when questioned on his motives for the sickening act. “I know like three other guys at my school who called their Pokémon like, way way worse stuff. My friend Gary called his Blastoise Butt-Toys. Like stuff you put in your ass. That’s way more grosser. Why are they picking on me?”

While Mitchum seemed to be deflecting and downplaying his critics, Pokémon League officials made their disappointment abundantly clear.

“This is behavior we would expect from some other trainers, but not our Ashton,” said current Elite Four member and League chairman Drake. “He is a talented and bright young man, but this sort of behavior has to be nipped in the bud. Pokémon are not meant to be named such obscenities. They are our companions and they deserve the dignity and respect that comes with being categorised by their species in all caps, followed by an identifying mark of their gender. Anything else is an affront to everything we stand for.”

Mitchum’s suspension may be escalated to a permanent ban after an investigation into his personal PC, which has already been found to contain Pokémon nicknamed “Mother Fucker,” “Cock Sucker,” “Poop Shit Ass,” and “Jeremy.”

When approached for comment about these latest revelations, Mitchum could be heard through tears, muttering, “Just please don’t tell my mom, man.”

You Have to Pay for GTA 5 Again Because Everything Is Expensive and Ephemeral and Sucks

Rockstar has confirmed the pricing for the next-gen upgrades to Grand Theft Auto 5, coming March 15. You will pay $10 for the PS5 version and $20 for the Xbox Series X/S version of the same game you’ve been playing for nearly a decade, because everything is somehow totally ephemeral and ludicrously expensive at the same time.

Those prices are only for the first three months, though. If you don’t pay your pound of flesh before then, Rockstar will exact a greater price: $40 for either version. This payment comes in addition to anything you might have paid for previous versions of GTA 5, plus any subscription fees you might be paying for Xbox Game Pass and/or PS Live, season passes to “free” games, Netflix, HBO, Disney+, Hulu, your internet bill, credit card payment, healthcare premiums, gas, car insurance, car registration, rent, food, and your electric bill, because if you want a speck of dignity in this life, even if it’s alone in your own home in front of the television, you’re still going to have to pay for it. Over and over. Paycheck after paycheck, until there’s nothing left.

And you’re going to do it.

You’re going to cough up that money, because entertainment is not just leisure anymore—it’s a second job. If you want to keep up with the group chat, you better have a take on the new show your friends are talking about. If you want to understand the memes on Twitter, you should really see that new movie. And that’s not to mention the constant flow of video games, each more hotly anticipated than the last, yet somehow more quickly forgotten, too. 

You need to play all of them. Because maybe you don’t have many friends. Maybe video games are your only connection to other people besides your job, and connection keeps human beings alive no less than oxygen. Do you want to keep your connection? Do you want to stay alive? Then you need to consume content, and most of it is dumb and expensive. But without it, you can’t post dank memes to the chat, or dunk on normies for having the wrong take, or make friends on the Discord server. 

You’re not watching Peacemaker? You haven’t seen the new Batman movie? Are you gonna watch Moon Knight when it comes out this month? What about She Hulk when it comes out in a few weeks? Do you have a take on Spider-Man: No Way Home? Once upon a time, if you wanted to keep up with this stuff, maybe you had to play a few games and watch a movie once a year. Now it’s a fulltime job.

These little interactions, as frivolous as they might seem, are parcels of meaning in a world where meaning is rare. And we pay for access to it, just like we pay for everything else, at prices carefully designed to remove every last penny from our bank accounts. Our hunger for each other has been replaced with a hunger for content. 

If it sounds crazy, that’s because it is. But ask yourself—how do you spend so much money, yet own so little? What are you paying for? Where does it all go? Your paycheck isn’t going up, but the prices are. Your time off isn’t increasing, but the list of things to do, movies to watch, games to play—it’s only getting longer. We’re emptying our bank accounts to rent our own lives.

A little dramatic? Yeah, probably. There are still some timeless things in gaming, outside the dizzying churn of the AAA release cycle. We can still log on and play a classic game like GTA Online with some old friends, for instance. We can blow each other up at the Los Santos airport just like we always used to do. We can tug on the lines that keep us connected, and feel comfort when these people we love tug back. And good news—the standalone next-gen GTA Online will be free! On PS5 for three months. Then $20 for both systems.

Magician Drinks Mana Potion Before Guessing Card

LAS VEGAS — Vegas magician Matteo the Magnificent was seen slurping down a potion to increase his mana points during a show last night so that he could accurately guess an audience member’s card, according to those familiar with the situation.

“These shows go on so long that I’m usually out of mana by the end of the first hour. Usually I have my sexy assistants walk around on stage for a bit so I can suck down some pots, but I guess some people noticed I had a glowing blue liquid on lips in the middle of a trick and everybody lost it,” Matteo the Magnificent explained. “I don’t know what people expected. How am I supposed to guess someone’s card if I’m out of mana?! What am I just supposed to know what someone’s card is without looking at it? There’s like 70 of them in a deck or something. No, it’s a spell. I cast a spell of insight and learn the card through that. Grow up!”

Attendees of the show were reportedly upset to see the magician drinking potions, according to those familiar with the situation.

“Simply put, I am shocked and horrified. I paid to see some wholesome magic fun — some sawing people in half and some sexual innuendo puns — and then this magician starts doing some sort of drugs in the middle of the show?!” said Dustin Mitchell, a concerned viewer. “He claims it just helps him with the magic, but if that’s true, it’s even worse! I’m sorry, but I don’t want my magicians using performance enhancing drugs during a show that I paid good money for. Sorry, but if you want to be a magician, you should perform your tricks the old fashioned way: I don’t know how they do their tricks.”

Despite complaints, the Association of Las Vegas Magicians have decided not to remove Matteo from their ranks.

“Look, we all gotta drink potions during the show. That’s part of the gig. You gotta do it in a way that’s more subtle of course, but mistakes are made. He just needs to make sure to use sleight of hand, next time — because that’s an incantation, so he can use it without needing mana,” said Stupendous Stephan, an official from the ALVM. “It’s not even just mana potions. Lotta times when we saw people in half or swallow swords, we need to drink a health potion or even an endurance potion. How the fuck do you think we swallow swords without that?! We would die.”

At press time, Matteo the Magnificent had tragically overdosed on mana potions, briefly becoming a magical sorceror god and terrorizing Las Vegas, before eventually succumbing to madness and passing away. He is survived by his several bunny rabbits.

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.