YouTuber Starts Separate Channel Just for Apology Videos

Posted on by Michael Gursky

LOS ANGELES — Following a cavalcade of off-the-cuff apology videos for everything from offending ferret owners to dating a minor, YouTube-lifestyle-vlogger-slash-prankster-extraordinaire David Patterson, also known as SuperVGMan64, has reportedly started a second channel, “David Patterson Apologies,” where he says all future apology videos addressed to his fans and the online community at large will reside.

“Hey y’all, welcome to the new official home of David Patterson apology videos, and I’m so sorry for whatever has brought you here,” said Patterson in the pinned video on his new channel while sitting atop a dirt bike in the middle of the unfurnished $6.5 million Beverly Hills Estate he rents with five other influencers. “For example, I’ll probably have to put out another apology next week when I drop my ‘buying unwanted cosmetic surgeries for the homeless’ prank, so you’ll probably be able to find that here when it drops. I figured it’d be best to just launch a channel specifically for apologies to you pussy ass bitches. I’m sorry for calling you pussy ass bitches just now, by the way.”

Patterson, who started his original channel in 2019 and rapidly gained over 1 million subscribers in only three months, says that he attracted fans originally through his charmingly boyish pranks, cute youthful look, inherited wealth, and the confidence he has to do whatever he wants with minimal repercussions as long as he delivers a halfhearted apology on camera afterwards.

“Within weeks of reaching the million-subscriber mark, I dropped my first big public apology video, ‘I’m Sorry, Black People,’ and the full-resolution version of that video will be uploaded to my new channel for posterity,” Patterson continued. “Next week we’ll also be re-uploading the official high res version of my second apology video, ‘I’m Also Sorry To Puerto Ricans.’ Neither video satisfied either community it was aimed towards, of course, but I hope everyone who’s still upset will like, subscribe, and most importantly comment on the videos so that way we can create a dialogue that will lead to rapid subscriber growth and more organic reach for my content than ever.” 

Since his first two sorry videos, the controversial star has seemingly had to apologize to every marginalized community in video form one or more times. 89 of Patterson’s 103 uploads are apology videos, with the most-viewed video featuring him doing molly in a jacuzzi at an Aspen cabin while apologizing to people with depression. 

At press time, a new clip uploaded to Patterson’s apology channel noted that all upcoming apologies would be brought to you by Carl’s Jr.

Warner Bros Announces New 10-Year DCEU Plan: Maybe Get That Flash Movie Out Some Time

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Warner Bros Discovery outlined their new 10-Year Plan for the DC Extended Cinematic Universe earlier today, which is to get that Flash movie out there at some point, they say.

“Yeah, that’d probably be best,” said David Zaslav, president and CEO of Warner Bros. Discovery. “We should honestly get it out there before Ezra Miller kills somebody if we’re being honest. Because we really shouldn’t cancel any more extremely expensive projects this year.  So yeah, I don’t know. Next year, I guess? Does next year sound good to everyone? Does anyone know how much money we owe Michael Keaton?” 

Gathered reporters quickly asked Zaslav about other upcoming DC films that had been announced, such as Black Adam and Shazam: Fury of the Gods.

“Yeah, no, I don’t know,” he replied. “Those too, I guess. Why not?”

Fans of The Flash were excited to hear that the character’s long awaited feature film was DC’s top priority moving forward, although a bit skeptical about its eventual release. 

“Yeah, I will believe it when I see it,” said Vera Krause, a longtime fan of The Flash. “But it does kind of feel like we’re closer than ever. So that’s nice. I still worry, though. I mean, it seems like they canceled the Batgirl movie for no real reason whatsoever, so with how snakebit this Flash movie is, I don’t know, I’m fully prepared for it to never come out. At least it can’t ultimately disappoint me that way.” 

Analysts say that the announcement shows that DC is still struggling to keep up with Marvel’s cinematic universe. 

“It’s really bad timing, because Marvel just announced their next wave of movies and TV shows,” said Arthur Whitfield, an entertainment blogger. “And they’ve got some exciting stuff coming down the pipeline here. You look at DC, and there’s this Flash movie limping along, and I don’t know, more Batman stuff? Imagine that. We’re probably about due for another Superman reboot as well. Fucking yee-haw.” 

As of press time, Ezra Miller, star of The Flash, had been arrested in downtown Kansas City for impersonating a clergyman and selling counterfeit firewood.

It’s Over: Guy Playing Against You Brought His Own Controller

Posted on by Saad Khan

YOUR HOUSE — A guy asking to play Super Smash Bros. Melee  against you reportedly brought his own controller, spelling certain doom for your chances of victory. According to those familiar with the situation, you went to hand him the Player 2 controller only for him to shake his head, reach into a backpack in his possession, and pull out his own controller.

“Oh my god, did you see that thing? He’s probably one of those guys who knows about port priorities,” you said to yourself in a bathroom mirror while pretending to take a break to poop. “No casual player walks around with their own controller, especially not one as decked out as this guy’s. But I’m not worried. Not in the slightest. It’s going to take more than a fancy controller to beat me. For example, it is going to take Jigglypuff.”

Reports showed that your blood ran cold upon seeing the controller, which featured a completely unique color scheme, custom analog sticks, and even a well-worn pair of those back paddles that no one ever uses. Forensic evidence also suggested that the guy proceeded to hold the controller sideways using a grip you’d never seen before, utterly destroying any of your hopes of victory.

“You can never be too prepared,” said the guy who brought his own controller. “You never know when you’ll need to throw down; it’s my version of keeping a condom in my wallet. Not that I play all that much. I consider myself a casual player, but I absolutely need a controller set up to my exact specifications so I can adequately pull off the moves I need. I’m sure most people feel the same way.”

Witnesses on the ground shared that the match between you two wasn’t even close. You were barely able to get any hits in and your opponent kept you on the back foot, pulling off insane maneuvers you’d never seen in your life. Medical records obtained after the incident showed that the clacking of the back paddles continued ringing in your ears for several hours after your loss. You were never even sure they were legal.

At press time, you suggested switching over to Tekken, to which your opponent agreed before pulling out a custom fight stick.

Mario Under Fire After Gen-Z Kids Dig Up Old Video Where He Stomps On Guy’s Head

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Local plumber and adventurer Mario Mario has come under attack on social media after teens and 20-somethings discovered an old video of him stomping on a guy’s head.

“This-a you?” read several thousand tweets, linking to a video from 1985’s Super Mario Bros. in which Mario stomps on a goomba’s head in response to a post from Mario saying “it’s-a me, Mario!” earlier today.

“Absolutely fucking embarrassing that people defend this clown. Literally stomped on so many guy’s heads, but oh, he’s a really great go-kart driver, so we’re supposed to just pretend it never happened? News flash: it literally hasn’t stopped,” said a Tiktoker who went viral with a series of videos on the subject. “I’m just absolutely done with this shit. Straight up: if you’re a video game character who started working before like 2015, I do not trust you.”

Members of other generations, however, have been softer on the famed Italian athlete.

“I totally get the righteous anger here, but these kids gotta understand that it was a very different time in the 1980s. And sure, he’s still stomping on guys’ heads today, but that’s besides the point. We all have cobwebs in our closets — I’m the first to admit I laughed my ass off when Kirby ate all those guys in the early ’90s — so I just worry it’s a slippery slope,” said Crash Bandicoot, who kept referring to himself as an “elder millennial” before chuckling. “First they came for Mario, and I did not speak up because I never stomped on a guy. But what if they come for me next?”

Following widespread criticism, Mario wrote an apology message in his notes app that he screenshotted and posted to Instagram and Twitter.

“This is not-a me. I am-a so embarrassed,” Mario said in the post. “I just-a want people to-a know that I would-a literally never do such-a thing. I mean-a I know I-a did in the video, but like it-a seems like a different person to-a me, because I’m so-a different and evolved now. I a-thank you for helping me-a grow, like I am-a eating a mushroom. I am-a always learning and I hope-a people check out-a my new movie, which a-comes out April 7, 2023! Let’s-a-go!”

At press time, Mario promised to donate 500 coins to an organization for protecting goombas, which, according to sources close to the information, was a request from Nintendo in order to keep being the star of its popular video game franchise.

Psst. Hey Gamer. Want to See Some Numbers Go Up? Click This Article

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Hey, gamer, whatcha doin? Pretending to work? Scouring the same video game news websites that you read every morning, seeing their similar reporting on the same four video game stories they’ve been milking all week? Why don’t you come over here. I got what you need. You need your fix, don’t you? You wanna see some numbers go up, isn’t that right?  Well, I got you. Daddy’s got you. That’s me. I’m Daddy. Keep scrolling if you want the goods. I’ll fuckin’ hook you up. 

200
400
800
1,600
3,200

Yeah, you like that shit, don’t you? Did you think I was fucking around? 

6,200
8,720
10,410
23,500

Damn, just keeps on going up. Look at that.

Okay, fuck it, let’s take it up a notch. 

32,000
57,000
99,100
110,210

BONUS!!

230,000

Oh hell yeah. Hit the bonus. Very nice. 

302,900
345,200
349,000

Whoaaaaa shit, those numbers are looking pretty good. I wrote an article similar to this a few years back, but I’m starting to think we might even break that one’s high score (Which was 1,000,000,000). We still have a ways to go, but keep thinking good thoughts. We’re having a great run so far. This is so much better than reading about some stupid DLC you’ll never buy, isn’t it? 

400,230
450,670
900,210

What? It just fucking doubled!! Oh man, we’re gonna fucking hit the fucking million! I feel like my whole body just got a boner. I’m sure you sick fucks are just loving this, huh? 

982,000
992,000

Come onnnnnnnnn

1,000,000

Yes!!!  A Million!  I still feel pretty good, too!  OK let’s keep going. 

2,000,000
6,000,000
9,500,000
11,000,000
12,000,000
14,000,000

14 fucking million? This is beyond what I even thought was possible here today. Holy shit. 

15,000,000
18,500,000
24,000,000

Can’t stop now!

This has got to be some kind of a record. 

52,000,000
76,400,000
103,000,000

Yooooo!!!!! A hundred million? Are you frickin’ kidding me?! Seriously, somebody tell somebody. This is a record for sure. I just know it. 

210,300,000
239,700,000
309,210,000
481,000,000
509,100,000

Alright, I’m done. Wow, I can’t believe it. 509 million!? Folks, we’ve been a website for five years and this is the wildest shit I’ve seen by far. Damn, I should have been streaming this. 

Congratulations! You’ve unlocked the achievement for observing a high score of over a half billion! That’s 10 reader points!  Further achievements can be claimed by clicking on other Hard Drive articles and sharing them with your friends and immediate family. 

Dear Hard Drive: The Console Wars Have Turned My Sons Against Each Other, and I Fear It May End in Bloodshed

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

Dear Hard Drive, 

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter. My only hope is that it reaches you before something terrible has happened. Please allow me to explain my situation. 

My husband and I have two boys, our absolute angels. Connor is older, and has always been such a solid kid, very reliable. Cody is younger, and is kind of a free spirit, but at the end of the day he’s a great kid too. 

When they were young they got along like a parent hopes their sons will. Sure, there was some fighting, but it was always at a minimum, and never anything serious. Mostly they played together. Whether they were getting along or not, they were inseparable, that’s what I remember the most. 

Those days didn’t last long, however, as our sons began to grow up and grow apart. Connor got a PlayStation 4 in his room and started getting really into playing games online with his friends. 

Some time after that, Cody saved up some money and bought an Xbox 360 so he could play Halo with some of his buddies. Things were never quite the same after that. 

These days, the sounds of them playing and laughing have been replaced by them yelling through their bedroom walls, accusing each other of wanting to suck off their favorite video game systems. None of it makes sense to me. All I know is this intense dedication to their specific video game system of choice is driving our whole family apart. The console war has come to my front door. My house is now a battleground.

I understand that kids will be kids, and of course they won’t always get along. But the other day I came home and found Connor doing what I can only describe as waterboarding his little brother in the bathtub until he admitted that the new PS Plus service was comparable to if not better than Game Pass. My poor little baby! He told me that it just felt like drowning and he couldn’t even say the thing his brother was trying to make him say. Just awful stuff. 

When I asked Connor why he would do this he told me Cody provoked him endlessly about how his favorite system’s former so-called “exclusives,” are now mostly available on PC. So honestly, I get where his frustration comes from. I tried to explain to him that his reaction to those heinous things his brother said was valid, but overblown and quite frankly, dangerous. 

I fear that these fierce loyalties have become thicker than my sons’ blood, and the way things are trending, it’s not hard to tell that things are almost certainly going to grow more violent. I went to a local GameStop and asked them what they thought I should do and the guy just asked me if I wanted to buy any NFTs or Funko Pops. When I said no he just said, “fuck it,” and lit a cigarette right there in the store. I don’t think I want to go back there. So I have found myself writing to all of the most prominent video game websites: IGN, Hard Drive, and then the other less popular ones as well. 

I’m not sure what to do, Hard Drive, but I’m afraid my sons are about to seriously injure one another over their devotion to the video game systems they prefer. It’s pretty weird. 

Signed, 

Worried About Likelihood of Ugly Grappling Incident 

Dear WALUIGI, 

Fuck! That sounds shitty. I don’t know. Ground their asses. Take their video games. They’re for adults now anyway. Hook their shit up in your bedroom. Check out some Devolver Digital games. 

Truth be told, we’re a video game satire website. I’m very sympathetic to your situation, but I just really don’t know what I can offer. Not even really sure how you got our email, to be honest. We never claimed to be one of those websites where you could send us your problems. If anything, I think we’ve given off the vibe that we very much serve the opposite purpose — speaking to us may very well create more problems.

The best I can do is not make jokes or anything. I’ll just print your letter and wish you well. Once again, I really just want to say that I think your whole thing there sounds pretty shitty and well, I wish you luck. Hoping IGN answers you. 

Thanks for reading Hard Drive!

Strongest Guy at Gym Wearing Kingdom Hearts Shirt

Posted on by Kevin Podas

ST. CHARLES, Ill. — Local musclehead Brandon Kinz was spotted at a Planet Fitness this week bench pressing over 225 pounds and squatting over 315 pounds while proudly wearing a Kingdom Hearts tee shirt.

“Never skip leg day,” joked Kinz in a sweat-drenched shirt prominently featuring Sora, Donald, and Goofy. “And never forget to have a spotter with you — there’s nothing more important than gym safety, or the power of friendship. That’s something that the Kingdom Hearts games have taught me time and time again, after all.”

Others at the gym couldn’t help but take note of Kinz’s unique attire.

“Is that a Kingdom Hearts shirt? Who wears a Kingdom Hearts shirt to the gym?” asked fellow Planet Fitness member Zach Daley, who reportedly weighs 140 pounds. “Those games fucking suck. I mean, how many spin-offs does one series need? Not to mention the plot is an absolute mess. I mean, what is he gonna bench press, 358/2 pounds? Man… how did he get his form so good, anyway?”

According to those familiar with the situation, Kinz was unbothered by any weird looks he received while donning his personal workout wear.

“Overhead 135, bench 225, squat 315, deadlift 405,” muttered Kinz. “Sorry, those are the goals I’m trying to hit right now. I’ve got different Kingdom Hearts shirts picked out for every day of the week, too. Tomorrow I’m going to wear my shirt with Organization XIII on it. That’s my ‘beast mode’ shirt.”

At press time, Kinz’s shirt had split at the seams unable to contain his muscles, prompting an emergency trip to Hot Topic to replace it.

Enter the Gungeon Creators Reveal Evil, Gun-Ridden Wasteland Was Inspired By Texas

Posted on by Camden Brazile

AUSTIN, Texas — Creators of Enter the Gungeon, the notoriously-difficult indie roguelike pitting players against five randomly-generated floors of peril, revealed a key tidbit of lore today, that the evil, gun-ridden wasteland was inspired by the state of Texas.

“We needed to code a sinister, dank pit that you could die in at any moment,” said designer Dave Crooks. “Our minds immediately went to Texas. Initially the game was going to actually take place in Texas, with players going deeper and deeper south with each cleared floor, but we decided to make a cutesy indie game instead of an immersive horror game. We had to eventually tone it down though, because when we styled the game after Texas, it became way too easy to get a gun in-game.”

The game’s fans seemed delighted to learn the new tidbit of lore to the game’s development.

“Now that I hear it, it totally makes complete sense,” Enter the Gungeon player Mark Plumowitz said. “After putting over 700 hours into the game, I can see other ways Texas clearly influenced the Gungeon’s setting. For instance, all the people that inhabit the Gungeon seem either completely insane or just downright evil. Texas. Also no matter what high-ranking person gets defeated, another larger more difficult person steps in to take their place. Texas. Every single thing in the game exists for the sole purpose of shooting you to death. Texas.”

“And yeah, you might be thinking, aren’t there also people in Texas who aren’t evil, and are just trying to make it to the next day?” he added. “You’re describing the player character.”

Texas Governor Greg Abbot weighed in on his state’s portrayal in the game.

“We’re glad that Texas finally has a video game counterpart,” Abbot said. “Finally someone was able to capture the high-stakes, rootin’ tootin’ and shootin’ that I’ve been borned and raised through. I don’t agree with all the fancy colors of the game, but at least they seem to value the second amendment in that there Gungeon. Amen.” 

At press time, Enter the Gungeon creators scared and challenged fans by announcing they were working on a nearly-unbeatable DLC based on New Jersey.

Hey guess what? This is sponsored by Devolver Digital! That means you can head to Steam right now and play Enter the Gungeon to experience the excitement of being in Texas without having to actually go there. It’s very fun.

REPORT: You Can Move That Box to Get Up There

Posted on by Seth Finkelstein

WASHINGTON — A new report from the Occupational Health and Safety Administration released today states that you can actually move that box in order to get to a higher platform or ledge.

“Workers should be properly trained in the ability to push a large metal or stone block around their workplace,” said OHSA Spokesperson Scott Carlson. “At minimum, scuff marks must be set on the floor to mark the path of the block, though we recommend installing sunken pathways with raised curbs throughout the workplace to manage the safe movement of blocks, boxes, and cubes.”

Many workers praised the new guidelines, declaring it a win for workplace safety and productivity.

“It used to be that in order to get up there when the ladder was broken, you needed to wait nearby for one of your buddies to give you a boost,” said contractor Ashley Fischer. “Now when my boss tells me to go put a treasure chest up on that balcony, I can just move this heavy stone block over and climb up. Of course, I always move it back to a random spot in the room afterward, just to be polite.” 

The new OHSA report lays out strict safety guidelines for the use of boxes, including push and pull force limits, keeping a proper distance when pushing a block from the higher level onto the ground floor, and recommending the use of tools like Power Bracelets or Pullcasters. 

“It can be difficult to see where you’re going while you’re pushing a 10-foot tall crate across the floor,” added Carlson. “It’s why we strongly urge workers to grunt loudly on each push to alert their coworkers. Even a soft-spoken ‘Damn, this is heavy’ can prevent a serious workplace injury.”

OHSA reminded workers to fill out an anonymous report if they see any unsafe or improper working conditions, such as workplaces using large statues instead of blocks, blocks requiring the use of animals or creatures to move, or just having blocks around that can’t be moved for some fucking reason.

Guy Still Keeping Wii Sports in His Car Just in Case He Needs to Save a Boring Party

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

TOPEKA, Kan. — A local gamer reportedly still keeps a Nintendo Wii and a copy of Wii Sports in his car at all times in case he has to rescue a dull social function, sources have confirmed. 

“Some have called me a hero, but I might not go that far,” said Cole Keeney, who has been successfully injecting a shot of excitement into boring parties since he scored a Wii back in ’06. “I’m just a guy who had a buddy that worked at GameStop that was able to get me one when they were still pretty hard to find. I was a fucking god during that whole first year. I would show up and people would start flipping out ‘cause they knew I had the Wii in the car. Wasn’t long after that we’d be having a bowling tournament into the early hours of the night. What a blast.”

“Maybe I’m living in the past,” Keeney added. “Or maybe I’m living in paradise.”

While reports indicate that the tactic is not deployed as often these days, that hasn’t prevented him from being ready at all times. 

“Our friends Lisa and A.J. had a party and got into this huge fight in front of everybody a few weeks ago,” said Joe Stallworth, a friend of Keeney’s. “Everything felt so tense after that. Then next thing I know, Cole hooked up Wii Sports and before I knew it we were all having a blast again. I forgot how fun that shit was. Lisa and A.J. even made up by the end of the bowling tournament. Cole really saved the day with that Nintendo Wii he keeps in his car. What a responsible guy.” 

Executives from Nintendo were happy to hear about Wii Sports’ continued reverence 16 years after its release. 

“We are thrilled that people are still enjoying Wii Sports and keeping it in their car,” said Katsuya Eguchi, producer of games such as Wii Sports and Animal Crossing. “We here at Nintendo pride ourselves on being able to make family friendly hits that will stand the test of time. It has been a hit for all ages since its release, and we recommend all adults keep an emergency copy in the trunk of their car alongside a gun in case you ever get kidnapped. Thanks for choosing Nintendo!” 

As of press time, Keeney had answered an emergency text from a friend and was racing across town to save a party that had begun playing Cards Against Humanity.