How to Get Better at MultiVersus

Posted on by Brad Waters

As early into its lifespan as it may be, MultiVersus is already a pretty complicated game. There’s armour and debuffs and stuns and all these other intricate mechanics to wrap your head around. Combine that with how starkly different it is to most other platform fighters in its genre (namely Super Smash Bros) and it’s easy to see how new players might struggle to feel like they’re improving at all.

Wonder Woman’s Down Special surrounds her and her teammates with armor.

But fear not, dear reader! Stick by us in this guide and we’ll have you scrapping The Iron Giant (figuratively) and unmasking the Batman (through violence) faster than Superman can run (very fast). Cast all those mind-boggling move effects aside and let’s talk about how you can improve in MultiVersus at the most fundamental level and see yourself rise on those rankings in no time. This is how you can git gud at MultiVersus.

Some Important Observations

For the sake of those of you who have at least some experience in this genre, there are a couple of platform fighters that MultiVersus can be compared to even if they’re hardly exact imitations — Rivals of Aether and Brawlhalla, for example. Much like these games, and much unlike the Super Smash Bros series, MultiVersus has no dedicated grab button, no shielding and a heavy emphasis on speed and movement, you can even wall jump endlessly on the sides of stages to aid your recovery in place of Up Specials that are almost exclusively designed to do that for you in Smash.

With this in mind, you need to come into MultiVersus expecting a far faster, more frantic experience that – especially in the game’s signature 2v2 mode – simply will often be hard to keep track of. Concepts like spacing and conditioning that may be more prevalent in Smash and traditional 2D fighting games are going to be far less important than your movement and your combo game. Perhaps the best way you can curb some of the inevitable confusion you may feel when first jumping in is simply having a good grasp of the capabilities of a lot of the characters because trust us – there is some crazy stuff going on there.

Make Use of Training Mode

MultiVersus’ tutorials are slick, well-presented and pretty in-depth. But they’re only gonna teach you what’s what in the game, not how to apply it. That’s where you’re gonna have to figure a lot of things out for yourself. Thankfully, the game has a pretty helpful training mode too — a.k.a. “The Lab”. It might be tempting to just hop into games right away and mash on every opponent in sight, but due to the sheer speed of the game, it’s gonna be hard to really learn what’s going on and eventually you’ll hit a wall where everyone is outclassing you and you’re left unsure of what to do.

By simply selecting a character in The Lab, pressing the start button and clicking on “Move List”, you’ll have a ton of information about every character revealed to you. This Move List explains everything the character can do, gives a good idea of the applications of each move and even explains every character’s “Passive Abilities” – some characters have multiple! Just having a look at these for each character will help make a ton of sense of what’s going on in your matches, but maybe you wanna take it a step further and mess around with them in gameplay? Traditional fighter or platform fighter, this rule remains the same: knowing your opponent’s moves and what they’re capable of will make you a better player. You’ll be able to envision “threat bubbles” at all times (i.e. the ranges at which character is and is not a threat to you) and develop counterplay to particularly powerful moves. If you can resist the urge to jump right into games and spend some time in training just learning what each character does, you’re already giving yourself a huge edge.

Training mode has another incredibly important application for beginners trying to improve, but we’ll talk about that in just a bit. First:

The Importance of Aerials

It’s an almost universal truth in platform fighters: by-and-large, aerial attacks are the most important part of a character’s kit. This is also true in MultiVersus where aerial combat and movement is such a crucial part of moment-to-moment gameplay. Specials are where you pull out your crazy tricks, and grounded attacks are quite unique in this game as we’ll discuss in a moment, but the hitboxes of your aerials are largely what you’ll be using to play “Neutral” (i.e. the game state in which neither player or team has a distinct positional advantage).

You’ll spend a lot of your time in MultiVersus using aerials to keep opponents out or threaten them. Get a good feel for your aerials in The Lab, understand their purpose and applications and notice how almost no high-level player in MultiVersus is ever staying grounded for too long. This is because they want access to their aerial attacks – which are typically more powerful than grounded attacks as often as possible and because by virtue of the game giving every character 2 aerial dodges (which can go in any cardinal direction), you technically have more options in the air in this game than you do on the ground. (You can dodge further upwards or down into the ground from the air, but can’t dodge upwards into the air from the ground, this will require a jump, which can make you vulnerable).

Get used to short hopping, air dashing and spacing hitboxes, and you’ll find your opponents in MultiVersus are suddenly way less able to get in on you than before. Of course, Aerials are great and all – but they’re a lot better when you learn to use them in tandem with…

How to Use Grounded Attacks and Combos

Grounded attacks and combos. Okay, here’s where things get a bit spicy. I come from a background of fighting games with grabs in them. With no grabs in MultiVersus, grounded options first felt really quite weak across the board. They’re generally committal, unsafe options that require you stay relatively immobile. However I’ve since come to realize their true application, and the very different way that MultiVersus treats them. 

A lot of your grounded moves in MultiVersus are intended as combo starters, particularly your multi-hit attacks. Let’s take Harley Quinn for example, see her Grounded Side Attack in the move list – Clown Combo? Well, if you simply finish this Clown Combo as instructed in the move list, you’ll perform a pretty underwhelming 3-hit combo that does 10 damage. Why would anyone ever use that?

Well, dear reader, this has potential. We can optimize it. Instead of pushing the attack button for the 3rd time to finish the combo, try doing 2 hits of this combo and then jumping and doing a Down Air. 13 damage. And guess what? This is a true combo, much like the full Clown Combo itself. How do we know? Thanks to our trusty old lab again. Back at the start menu in The Lab, tick the setting that reads “Show Hitstun Combo” and set your CPU opponent’s behavior to “Dodge During Hitstun.” This’ll make it so that the game tells you on-screen whether your combo was “true” (i.e. inescapable) and so that the CPU will dodge away from your attacks whenever possible.

Of course, no one can dodge out of a true combo, so keep practicing the first 2 hits of Harley’s Clown Combo into an instant Down Air until the CPU is unable to dodge away and the game tells you it’s a combo in the upper right-hand corner and that you just did a “Hitstun Combo” (true combo) of “x4”. 13 damage! Nice! And this can go much further, this Down Air has far more combo potential than the 3rd hit of Clown Combo, which knocks your opponent away. So you can now true combo an Up Air or Grounded Up Attack out of this Down Air for an even bigger combo of up to 19% damage. These are all pretty tight inputs and might be hard for newcomers to get used to, but that’s what The Lab and indeed this guide is for, and the training room’s numbers don’t lie.

A lot of MultiVersus’ grounded moves, especially the multi-hit ones work like this. Bugs’ Grounded Side Attack (Why I Oughta!) usually ends with an underwhelming punch as its final move, instead the player can cancel that punch and use his Grounded Up Attack (Rabbit Kick), this true combos into Bug’s Down Air (Downward Mallet Swing) which itself, combos even further into Bugs’ Up Air (Swing Batta Batta!) for a true 22% combo that the CPU will not be able to dodge out of provided you do the inputs right. This is a significant, objective improvement over the 14% dealt by Why I Oughta! If you just use the move as normal and don’t experiment with cancelling it part way through. Superman’s Grounded Side Attack (Kryptonian Combo) isn’t even actually a true combo itself! When you try it on a CPU set to Dodge During Hitstun, they dodge out before the final hit! What is true however is the first hit of the Kryptonian Combo into his Grounded Up Attack (Overhead Swing) which pops your opponent up at the perfect height and angle for some true aerial follow-ups. 

Of course not every character has combos like this, but a lot of them do, so experiment! Play around with your character’s grounded moves, see which ones you can cancel out of midway through for a better combo route and start dunking on some people online. It stands to reason that a lot of these combos work much better at the 0-30% or so range as your opponents will take less knockback, but some combos have incredibly generous windows, and are almost always viable. Being able to optimize every opening you get with properly practiced and input combos is perhaps the single biggest factor that will set you apart from the rest of the pack in MultiVersus. It’s the latest craze, all the top players are doing it. Get on board.

Some Final Tips

Avoid redundancy! 

If you’re playing the game’s 2v2 mode and your teammate is playing a “Mage” class character, try not to double up on Mages, otherwise you’ll both be serving the same role. Try and choose a character who can better support the Mage’s class archetype like maybe a better up-close fighter like a Bruiser or Assassin. Team composition matters.

Play to your strengths with the game’s perk system! 

If you are playing one of the more aggressive Bruiser or Assassin characters, you’re probably looking at the red, offensively oriented perks rather than the defensive blue perks. Because why would you use perks to make a character designed to score kills easily play defensive? That’s (hopefully) your teammate’s job! Min-maxing is key in almost every game at a high level, pick perks that further accentuate your strengths, don’t try and patch up weaknesses that are part of the character’s design and should be covered by your teammate.

Be cognizant of what perks your teammate is picking! Sometimes, a compromise is necessary. Perks “stack,” meaning when both teammates use the same perk, their ability is enhanced. One perk even gives both team members a permanent 3rd jump if they both equip it, which can be huge!

Finally, watch the best!

There are tons of good players tearing it up in MultiVersus right now, and many of them on stream too! And with EVO and many other big tournaments now in our rear view, there’s no shortage of footage of the best players — Mirrorman, Synume and VoiD, just to name a few.

Good luck, and happy climbing!

How to Unlock Every Character in MultiVersus Fast and Free

Posted on by Hagen McMenemy

MultiVersus is the new platform-fighter by Warner Bros. Interactive Entertainment that has recently gone into open beta. With an eclectic roster filled with characters from across WB’s vast catalog such as Batman and Finn from Adventure Time – and a rapidly growing roster that has already added new characters such as the Iron Giant and Lebron James – it’s crucial to find the character that’s the best fit for you.

Batman and Lebron James square off in a solo game of MultiVersus

However, because the game is a free-to-play title, it doesn’t simply allow players to have immediate access to the entire roster. Instead, MultiVersus utilizes a system of free and premium currency that is used to unlock new characters in addition to a free rotating stable of four characters that changes biweekly. 

The problem players may run into is that they may spend time grinding to unlock a character that they end up disliking and this could lead to a long journey to find their main. Although all characters are accessible in the game’s training mode, The Lab, you are limited to playing against an AI.

Since it’s a free-to-play game, the fastest way is going to be by spending premium currency. However, this can be pricey as it costs about $10 per character. Many players will likely not want to break open their wallets just to find one or a few characters that they enjoy playing. 

Luckily, there are ways to accelerate the rate at which you unlock characters using the game’s free currency so that you can find the character that best suits your playstyle without breaking the bank.

Read on to find out how to unlock characters in MultiVersus fast and free. 

How to Unlock Characters in MultiVersus Fast and Free

Batman and Lebron James square off in a solo game of MultiVersus

Characters in MultiVersus can be unlocked in three ways:

1) Gold: the game’s free currency

Gold is the in-game currency that is obtained by completing a variety of challenges and participating in matches. 

2) Gleamium: the premium currency

Gleamium is the game’s premium currency that can only be purchased via real money, 

3) Character Tickets: from the Founder’s Pack

Character Tickets are only available from one of the game’s Founder’s Packs.

Luckily for players, even though characters cost 1,500 to 3,000 Gold each, MultiVersus is more generous with its in-game currency than some other free-to-play games. You can amass a nice supply of gold simply by playing the game, but here are the methods to prioritize if you want to unlock characters faster without spending money. 

In order of importance, here’s how to speed up your character unlocks:

  1. Playing With Friends
  2. Daily Missions
  3. First Win of the Day 
  4. Leveling Up
  5. Getting Toasted

Playing With Friends Is The Fastest Way to Unlock Characters

MultiVersus, unlike many other platform fights, has an emphasis on team-play. This is reinforced by the game giving you 30% more XP and 30% more gold simply by playing with your friends. 

The Gold earned from any game amounts to:

  • Match Bonus – 9 Gold
  • Victory Bonus – 9 Gold
  • Party Bonus (Playing with a friend) – 5 Gold

Make sure you’re partying up for the game’s 2v2 mode as often as possible to maximize your Gold income.

Daily Missions

MultiVersus has both a premium and free battle pass. The free battle pass will give you access to a guaranteed 500 Gold as well as five Toasts (more on this in a bit). The premium battle pass will net players an additional ten toasts. 

Daily Missions allow the battle pass to be progressed so doing things like getting four melee ring outs or getting three assists will help you progress either battle pass and increase your Gold accumulation. 

Not only that, but your first few daily missions will guarantee a supply of gold. You can get 400 Gold just from doing the first three. 

First Win of the Day 

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Obtaining your first win of the day will net you a whopping 100 Gold.

Leveling Up

Each time you raise your profile to the next level, MultiVersus rewards you with an additional 100 Gold. This can be sped up by completing daily missions and the utilization of rested XP.

Individual characters also level up and will provide 100 Gold upon obtaining level five. Even when using the free rotating characters, you can guarantee 400 Gold every two weeks. 

Getting Toasted

MultiVersus features something akin to a tip system wherein players use an item called Toast to other players. Receiving Toast automatically grants you 20 Gold. On top of receiving Toast from the battle pass, players receive a daily login bonus of five Toasts.

Toasts can be exploited by playing with friends to ensure that you toast one another. 

Hopefully, this helps you unlock characters in MultiVersus fast and free. 

MultiVersus Season 1 Patch Changes, Buffs, and Nerfs

Posted on by Michael Katz

MultiVersus, the platform fighter and unnatural amalgamation of creative properties, starts its first season today, and it’s coming with a hefty balance patch. Players have been eagerly anticipating MultiVersus patch changes, especially since being bullied by Finn’s lethal backpack spin and Velma’s unrelenting shower of speech bubble projectiles.

The patch notes clarify that, while most of the changes go into effect right away, some will take a couple more days to implement.

Firstly, the free character options rotate as expected. Similar to your favorite MOBA, Multiversus offers a handful of characters any player can use without spending gold, changing every couple of weeks. This time, the available characters are Arya Stark, Batman, LeBron James, and Steven Universe. Besides being a good example of how nutty the roster is, it’s an interesting selection because Arya and Steven are both considered “Expert” characters. What will happen when the average Joe gets to freely use complex characters?

New Free Characters after Season 1 MultiVersus patch changes :

  • Arya
  • Batman
  • LeBron
  • Steven

Two of the four freebies, Arya and LeBron, were big winners in the buffs lottery. Both characters received several upgrades to their air attacks to allow them to string combos together more easily. Wonder Woman and Harley Quinn also got some buffs: increased weight to help them live a little longer.

Superman and Shaggy get nerfed a bit

Superman and Shaggy took minor nerfs, both characters getting extended vulnerability on some of their strongest attacks. As expected, patch changes had Finn taking major nerfs, with increased recovery time on attacks and a weaker backpack spin that leaks coins on a miss. Velma was hit hard as well, losing weight, ammo, and recovery speed. Bugs Bunny, another character who’d been dominating, was given longer recovery on his otherwise-devastating melee strikes, and a fix to an annoying exploit that let him throw two massive missiles for the price of one. The Iron Giant took some hits as well, losing some of his bonus health and armor, and stopping his cannonball splash from hitting an infinite number of times.

MultiVersus patch changes for Taz had several changes in both directions. This character used to terrorize opponents with his high-powered tornado before it was weakened dramatically. In this patch, the tornado is given a seven second cooldown between uses, but it now spins for longer if it passes an ally. (Using the move on cooldown produces a tiny, 0.25 second long tornado.) He also had his chewing and projectile-spitting abilities improved, and a change to the effect of turning his opponents into a novelty roast chicken: the chicken effect wears off faster, but is larger and easier to hit.

The patch also reduces the potency of ice, makes some Battle Pass objectives easier to reach, and fixes the one tutorial mission that’s been bugged for weeks by slapping a wall into it. Lastly, the patch notes come with a reminder that Morty, of Rick and Morty fame, will be added to the game on August 23rd. He’s described as “our first Plumbus-wielding character,” which speaks for itself.

You can read all of the MultiVersus patch changes in detail from MultiVersus on their official site.

Personality Quiz Reveals You Could Never Be a Sonic Character

Posted on by Gabe Porter

Sonic the Hedgehog has a huge cast of iconic characters. From the titular Sonic with his cool and carefree personality, to his friends like Knuckles, whose hot-headedness might remind you of yourself. It’s only natural to think that your personality could match up with one of the colorful critters.

Unfortunately, you aren’t even half the person most Sonic characters are and you never could be.

Oh, I’m sorry, did you think otherwise? Did you really expect to be Sonic? He’s a goddamn hero who has saved the world more times than he can count. What are you doing? Taking a quiz, trying to reach some labored form of self-understanding through an online quiz telling you which ’90s video game character you are. Sonic overcomes world-ending catastrophes every other Tuesday, while you get into Twitter arguments about how long his quills should be.

“Well, maybe not Sonic, but I could be Tails!” I hear you say. Yes, Tails, the 8-year-old genius with a pilot’s license. Don’t kid yourself. Tails has the courage to never give up and follows Sonic through even the most dangerous situations. You couldn’t even finish typing up that text to your friend you haven’t talked to in a while. Tails wouldn’t let his fear of an awkward social situation stop him, unlike you. Not to mention, you don’t even have one tail, let alone two.

Let me guess, do you think you’re Shadow? You wish. His emotional immaturity is due to seeing his only family murdered in front of him. Yours is because you were placed in gifted classes.

 I see you scrambling around, trying to find even a side character that you could slip into. Blaze? Nope. Vector? Nope. Big? Big The Cat? Are you kidding me? Not a fucking chance. Big has an unmatched fishing ability and has an undying dedication to his friend Froggy. You have nothing like that. You’re just some guy.

Now get out of here before you start trying to figure out what Mario character you are. You’re Yoshi.

Latest Nintendo Terms of Service Agreement Entitles Them to Sue Your Family Long After Your Death

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

REDMOND, Wash. — Gamers have noticed language in the latest Nintendo terms of service agreement which apparently grants the gaming giant the right to sue your immediate family for any copyright infringements well after you are dead and gone, sources have confirmed. 

“It’s pretty wild when you get into it,” said Wesley Baker, a gamer who first discovered the troubling language in the agreement and shared his findings online. “I mean, I’m not sure how other companies handle this sort of thing, but ‘Nintendo has the right to harass, pester, and straight up sue anyone you, the user, are related to or associated with. This will be done at the exclusive cost of the most poverty-stricken of you, the user’s immediate family. It doesn’t matter one bit to us whether you are dead or not.’ I mean, damn, man. Seems like a lot. I still clicked ‘I Agree,’ but damn.” 

Nintendo defended the oddly specific terms of their latest user agreement. 

“We here at Nintendo know our decisions aren’t always popular, but we do what we must to maintain our brand’s integrity,” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America, of his company’s controversial policy. “If that means suing your grown grandchildren that you never even got the chance to meet into the ground because you made an edit to the dialogue of A Link to the Past and shared it with your friends, well then, I’m afraid that’s the cost of being a wholesome game company.” 

“That is owned in part by Saudi Arabia,” he added. “Oh, I’m not sure why I said that. You don’t have to print that part.” 

Legal experts say that the move itself isn’t unprecedented, but the language and tone certainly are. 

“Sadly, sometimes people die with legal affairs that still aren’t in order,” said Angela West, a contract attorney explained. “However, for Nintendo to go on and on like they do here in Section C, Article 4 here, how they reserve the right to ‘Sue into absolute oblivion anyone related to anyone you’ve ever loved if you even so much as Tweet a picture of Mario in the wrong colored outfit.’ I think that’s a bit excessive, myself. I never realized Nintendo had this mean streak in them. Aren’t they the wholesome one?”

As of press time, Nintendo had announced a lucrative lawsuit against Hard Drive and me specifically. Damn. 

The Most Early-2000s Thing About ‘Better Call Saul’ Is How Goddamn Hard It Is to Watch Online

Posted on by Joe Tilleli

The much-anticipated series finale of Better Call Saul airs tonight on AMC and if you want to watch it as soon as possible to avoid spoilers, it’s going to cost you. Heads up: you also shouldn’t read the last paragraph of this article if you’re looking to avoid spoilers for the newest season of the show.

I, like many people my age, never got a cable box after moving out of my parents. I stopped watching Better Call Saul in 2017 because it was too inconvenient to keep up with as new episodes dropped. With the final season catching some buzz, I decided to restart the show and catch up with everything they had on Netflix. 

And yet, when I went to seek out where I could subscribe to watch the newest episodes only to find AMC+, a service that should not even exist, lets you watch the latest episodes with commercials. But that’s just it though… the latest episodes. As in like only the last three to air even though there is nearly a full season 6. Not to mention, the app barely exists on most devices — sorry to anyone who’s still using a dusty PS4 to watch all their movies and TV.

It seems like the only way to catch up on Better Call Saul, or watch each new episode as it airs without a cable box, is to buy the full season online for $25 through Amazon or YouTube, but that comes with its own flaws. On Amazon, the episodes don’t drop until midnight EST, instead of at 9 p.m. when they are on television. And on YouTube, well, if you want to see some of the saddest comments in the world, check out each Better Call Saul episode from this season to see people begging for the new episode to drop sometimes as late as 12 hours after the show aired on television — and keep in mind, these are people who are probably scrolling past spoiler-filled thumbnails as they search “Better Call Saul” in the app over and over again every Monday night.

Despite Better Call Saul being heralded as one of the greatest television shows of all time (or at least one of the best of the ten thousand shows currently airing), AMC seems to be doing everything they can to promote the show besides just making it accessible. Back during the midseason finale, this was a real tweet from the marketing team.

No marketing account should be using the call-to-action “Set those DVRs” in 2022. No one has heard the term DVR in over a decade. If you have, it was probably in an episode of Better Call Saul set in 2005 with Jimmy McGill saying, “Hey, remember DVRs?”

Of course, you can be patient. Wait for the final season to hit Netflix in a year or so. Though no amount of Twitter muting can protect you from fans firing spoilers through your feed like a bullet through Howard Hamlin’s head. So if you’re looking to catch up on the season before it ends tonight, I hope you have an Amazon gift card or a nice friend like me you can borrow a password from. 

Marvel Pays Heartwarming Tribute to Chadwick Boseman by Inscribing “Black Panther: Wakanda Forever – In Theaters November 11” on His Tombstone

Posted on by Simon Bower

LOS ANGELES — In the aftermath of the release of the emotional first trailer for Black Panther: Wakanda Forever, Marvel has made the touching gesture of engraving the film’s upcoming release date on the late actor’s headstone.

“Chadwick’s passing was a devastating loss for his family, his friends, and our fiscal projections for next quarter,” remarked Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige, wiping a tear from his eye. “This tribute is just a small step towards healing those wounds. Well, one of them anyway.”

Feige emphasized that honoring Boseman’s legacy in a tasteful and buzz-generating way was Marvel’s top priority.

“He was just such an incredible actor and provided unforgettable performances in some exceptional films: Black Panther, Avengers: Infinity War, Captain America: Civil War…yeah, I think that was all of them,” a somber Feige recalled. “As long as we have monetization streams built upon his work, Chadwick will never truly be gone. He’ll live on in your Disney+ suggestions for decades to come.”

Fans of the deceased actor have been quick to remark on how seeing the newly updated tombstone has touched their hearts and wallets.

“At first I wasn’t sure if I wanted to see Wakanda Forever. Boseman was such a big part of what I loved about the first film, and honestly the marketing has felt a little exploitative at times,” one skeptical fan said. “But when I saw the part further down that said ‘if you don’t see this movie then you’re the one that killed him’ scrawled in hand-chiseled letters, I guess I just got this eerie otherworldly chill that the only way I could pay my respects was by buying a ticket. It’s what Chadwick would have wanted, I guess?”

At press time, Marvel has since announced the formation of T’Challa Forever Foundation, a charitable organization aimed at raising money to insert a lifelike digital reproduction of Boseman into future MCU projects.

Prophecy Didn’t Mention That Hero Would Spend Five Hours Stuck On Puzzle

Posted on by Gabe Porter

NORTHWICK, Ancient Lands — Residents of the Ancient Lands who have been waiting centuries for the arrival of local hero Giroldus Darksbane are dismayed that there was no mention in their ancestral prophecy that he would spend five hours stuck on a basic rock-sliding puzzle required to gain access to the shadowy dungeon on the edge of town, sources say.

“We have been surveying Lord Darksbane for his entire journey, and I’ve gotta say we’re all starting to get pretty bummed out,” said town elder Ebras Odisorin. “The prophecy foretold that our daring hero would bring about an era of peace, but it didn’t say anything about the equally long era of puzzle-solving before that. I don’t know what the Gods were doing while doling out divine gifts and prophetic visions, but they really missed the mark in terms of wisdom with this one.”

The supposed hero is still trying to pass the puzzle and continue on his journey.

“I’ve tried every single combination of rock arrangements,” an exhausted Darksbane confessed. “I had it going clockwise and that didn’t work, counter-clockwise was also a no-go. I’ve even tried forcing my body through the cracks between the rocks. I was certain my body would fit, I mean, just look at the size of the gap! I think if I can’t figure this out in the next ten minutes I might just give up on this place and go try to save another realm instead.”

The evil warlock Quintus Ash is conflicted by the recent delay in the hero’s ascension to power.

“It’s been boring waiting around for that guy to figure out the rock thing,” Ash said while decimating a town with his staff, “I feel like I’ve won, but I never really expected I would. I had my dying monologue all ready and everything! Maybe I could’ve become a recurring nightmarish threat to his bloodline via reincarnation, but that’s all out the window if he can’t even kill me once in the first place. Well, at least now I know what world domination feels like! Not bad!”

At press time, The Gods have announced they are updating the prophecy to include that some heroes may not get too far and give up.

Libraries Nationwide Swarmed With Precocious Teens Trying to Unbury Small Town Secrets

Posted on by Aaron Weerasinghe

LOBELIA, Maine  — In a quest to right the injustices of the past and participate in the venerable tradition of solving a mystery with your closest friends before going off to college, teenagers nationwide have begun swarming their local libraries in an attempt to unbury small town secrets.

“I don’t remember the last time I’ve seen so many teenagers desperate to get into our little microfiche room,” said Nadine Carlton, a librarian at the Challis Community Library. “I just wish I had a better idea of how to help them. They’re mostly asking for newspapers and yearbooks from ‘a long-ass time ago,’ to use their words. A couple have even asked if I know of anything strange that happened here. I suppose there was that one thing… oh, but I was just a girl then… in any case, it’s delightful to see kids taking an interest in local history!”

Many of these teenagers, however, feel as if their research into the sordid secrets of their community has already hit substantial roadblocks.

“Most of these old newspapers are so boring. It’d be so much easier if I could just ctrl+f phrases like ‘ritual sacrifice’ or ‘no survivors,’ but instead I’ve spent days reading nothing but mundane evil political stuff,” said Michelle Quan, 17. “I’m not giving up, though. There’s no way some truly fucked up shit hasn’t happened here. We’re literally in Maine.”

While most members of the community were supportive of this summertime trend, there were a few who were perturbed.

“Don’t these kids have summer homework to do? Why don’t they get jobs if they have so much free time?” said local sheriff Lorn Holston while on his fifth lap around the library in his squad car. “All I’m saying is it’s wrong to muck around in the past like this. My family taught me to have some respect for history. There are just some things that should stay buried.”

At press time, Sheriff Holston was unavailable for comment after a 10th grader uncovered old photographs linking his family to a string of unexplained and supposedly cult-related disappearances in the ’70s and ’80s.

Guy Who Only Plays Games Called Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Pumped for New One This October

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A local guy who insists on only playing games called Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 is really excited about a new one coming out this October, sources have confirmed. 

“Oh yeah, Rodney’s so happy there’s a new C.O.D.M.W. 2 coming out,” said Curtis McCoy, best friend of the guy in question. “I’ve been trying to get him to play other stuff with me, even other Call of Duty stuff. But Rodney’s got a strict thing that he likes, and that’s specifically games called Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. He doesn’t even care that there’s games like Modern Warfare 3 and Advanced Warfare out there, he just says he likes what he likes.” 

“He did get into Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Campaign Remastered a couple of years ago when they put that out,” he added. 

The guy who only likes games called Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2’s mother said that her son’s always had very specific tastes. 

“That’s just the way Rodney’s always been,” said Barbara Ackner. “He always wanted the same exact breakfast, lunch, and dinner. He always wore the same hat. Stuff like that. Lord knows there’s so much going on in this world all the time it’s nice to have to make a few less decisions once in a while. I was trying to find a movie on HBO Max the other night and after 45 minutes I just went to bed. So I guess I get it.” 

When asked for comment, Rodney Acker didn’t think his tastes were as bizarre as some have claimed. 

“Yeah, I’ve been waiting for a new Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 ever since 2009’s Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2,” he said. “Nothing else had ever really clicked with me before that game, so it was a done deal after that. People can make fun of me for what I like all they want, I’ll literally never know or care, so it feels like a waste of their time, but whatever. If anyone has a problem with me, they can come find me in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Then we’ll see what’s up.” 

As of press time, Rodney’s brother who only plays games that are Resident Evil 4 was reportedly really excited about the upcoming Resident Evil 4 remake.