Deeply Disturbed Man Writes Actual Love Letter to Gaming

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

NEW YORK — An unhinged gamer has authored a real life love letter to video games, uncomfortable industry insiders have confirmed. 

“Look, we all like Smash Bros. and those collections of old arcade games, and all the love letters to gaming that get released every year,” said Evan Lahti, editor in chief of PC Gamer magazine, one of many publications to receive the maniacal letter this morning. “But taking out an actual pen and paper and writing a love letter to video games? That’s pretty disturbing right there. So it’s just a letter? Not an actual game that also serves as a metaphorical love letter to the medium and its history? Is there a battle pass you can buy, or what am I not getting here?”

While members of the media were disturbed by the demented letter, local gamers were intriuged by the notion.  

“Whoa, can I see it?” asked Cort Benton, a local gamer. “I think it sounds like something I need to get my hands on. I played through a half dozen different love letters to gaming last year alone, so I’m always interested in seeing what’s new for the genre. Oh, it’s like a real love letter? Dude, that’s the grossest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. I hope they fry that sick fuck.” 

The love letter arrived anonymously at over a dozen video game and electronics themed magazines’ offices this morning, with no hints as to who was behind it. 

“Ah, she’s a cruel temptress, this digital siren that has tamed my analog heart,” read one particular passage from the mysterious and gross message. “But after she’s read all of this letter she will almost certainly send me her devotion in return. It’s games that I love, make no mistake about it. Filthy, disgusting video games. I want to play them all night and leave the curtains open so the whole world can watch me. I don’t care. That’s how devoted I am. I could play them all night. Every night, baby.” 

Police have confirmed that they have no concrete leads on the identity of the author of the deranged letter. As of press time, the love letter to gaming had a favorable score on Metacritic.

So-Called “Retro” Gamer Sucks at Baseball

Posted on by Zac Lux

NEW YORK — A self described “retro” gamer has revealed himself to be a fraud after proving glaringly incapable at baseball, one of the oldest competitive games in existence, onlookers have confirmed. 

“This dude was talking a big game at work about being an old school gamer,” said Jacob Williams of his co-worker Walt Greenfield. “So I said alright, me and the boys get together and play retro games every week and he should come join us. He said he was gonna kick our ass, and I even told him it was baseball and everything. So imagine my delight when he struck out three times and got a black eye from a routine pop-out. This dude doesn’t know shit about retro games.” 

Greenfield says the misunderstanding of what constitutes a retro game is to blame for the mix-up. 

“I thought he and his buddies were gonna be playing Bases Loaded for the NES or something,” he said, following a humiliating performance in game one of a doubleheader. “I didn’t realize they get together and play, like, real games and stuff. It wouldn’t have even been so bad, but they were playing in some weird old style. They said it was something called ‘Knickerbocker rules,’ and we played until one team got to 21 runs. I don’t even know what this shit is.” 

Members of the gaming group said they could tell a phony gamer when they see one. 

“Another poser, we see them all the time,” said Renee Patterson, a member of the retro gaming group. “Someone thinks just because they’ve played a video game from 1983 that they know all about retro games. 1983 like just happened, dude. Get real. They’ve been playing baseball in North America since the 1830’s, okay?  There’s a lot more to the history of games than Space Invaders and Ms. Pac Man, you losers. That asshole’s not coming to bare knuckle boxing next week, is he?” 

As of press time, Greenfield had been ejected from the ballpark on the grounds of being a fake gamer.

Frugal Gamer Waits Until Next American National Tragedy to Pick Up 1,000 Itch.io Games for Five Bucks

Posted on by Kyle Erf

BOSTON — A frugal gamer who is rapidly running out of games to play has decided to wait until the nation’s next unspeakable tragedy to pick up a thousand games for five bucks through Itch.io, sources have confirmed.

“Hmm, I need something new to play, but I’m a little strapped for cash,” said local skinflint Troy Willows. “I’m finally finishing up everything I wanted to play from the Ukrainian support bundle, and that was timed nicely with me finishing up the stuff I wanted to play from the Bundle for Racial Justice and Equality from the year before. But now it’s 2022, and I am really hoping something horrible happens soon, because I’m just so bored with all the stuff I have.” 

The frugal gamer has come under fire for his thrifty strategy. 

“Okay, even if you oddly only had five bucks a year to spend on games,” said Lana Osborne, a local gamer that objected to Willows’ strategic banking on future tragedy based bundles. “It’s so glib to just wait for something awful to happen so you can resupply your backlog. Plus, does this person know they could play Rocket League, Fortnite, Apex Legends, Fall Guys, League of Legends, or any other number of free games? That they don’t have to just wait for itch bundles? The whole thing feels gross. Can’t deny that it’s a good deal, though!”

As of press time Willows was seen googling “Donald Trump classified files itch bundle.” 

Seth Rogen Gets High Smoking Fire Flower With Koopa on Set of Mario Film

Posted on by Kevin Podas

LOS ANGELES — Seth Rogen was caught getting high by smoking a fire flower with an unnamed koopa troopa on-set between takes while filming Illumination Studios’ upcoming Super Mario film, according to those close to the production.

“Who cares? Are they going to fire me? I mean, is this even technically weed?” Rogen asked, his outfit’s color palette still slightly tinged red and white due to the latent effects of the fire flower molecules still in his bloodstream. “I don’t know for sure, but whatever it is, it’s really been helping me get into the mind of Donkey Kong or whatever, so I really don’t see why it’s a problem. If anything, it’s an indication of how seriously I take the role.”

Others on-set balked at Rogen’s abject lack of professionalism.

“This is a family movie, and Seth is sitting around getting high with the extras,” complained co-star Chris Pratt, speaking entirely in his Mario voice as part of his method acting process. “Couldn’t he be a better role model? There are a lot of impressionable Christian children out there who look up to Donkey Kong. As an example of an inferior creature that God created to make humans feel more secure in their holy sovereignty, I mean.”

Word quickly spread of Rogen’s actions on-set, and reached the ears of executives at Nintendo.

“We take drug use very seriously in Japan,” remarked Shigeru Miyamoto. “Fire flowers are not meant to be used to get high. They are meant to be weapons of destruction, to set anyone and anything in your way up in flames. My heart goes out to anyone on set who may have been offended by Mr. Rogen’s behavior, and I hope the studio will do the proper thing and completely erase any of his involvement with the film.”

At press time, Seth Rogen was unable to stop giggling while trying to pick up a large barrel to throw at Chris Pratt.

Sonic Fan Game Lowers Quality to Be More Authentic

Posted on by Liam O'Malley

PASADENA, Calif. — A Sonic the Hedgehog fan putting the finishing touches on their own homemade entry into the series has decided to bump the quality down a little bit so as to provide a more faithful contribution to the canon.  

“This isn’t quite ready,” Trevor Conrad said of Sonic Escapades, a game that pays tribute to the iconic hedgehog’s beloved series of games. “It feels way too finished, and I’m in complete goddamned control of the 3D segments. It controls like a buttery dream and all of these characters make sense and that is really disappointing because I thought I was almost done with it. Back to the lab, I guess. I gotta put a bunch of bugs into this thing.” 

The title has been in development for over two years, with many Sonic fans eagerly awaiting updates to the game’s status on Conrad’s social media pages. 

“There’s nothing better than Sonic games,” said Tracy Powell, a self-described Sonic buff. “Wait, let me start over. Sonic games are my favorite video games. There’s nothing better than getting one from an honest-to-goodness fan. And yeah, Sonic Mania was nice, but something was off, you know? We love Sonic warts and all, and Mania was like, no warts. It’s perfectly fine, but this new one looks like absolute shit. I cannot wait.” 

As of press time, Conrad had released a new trailer for Sonic Escapades, which saw added features like empty lifeless 3D worlds and the series’ 28th recorded homage to Green Hill Zone.

Foot Clan Ninja Can’t Figure Out Who Giant Hulking Mutant Turtle Is Due to Thin Piece of Orange Cloth

Posted on by Camden Brazile

NEW YORK — Local crime syndicate The Foot Clan has been routinely thwarted in recent weeks by an unknown vigilante, whom due to a thin piece of orange cloth covering a sliver of his face could be any hulking, mutant turtle.

“Damn it, who could it be?” lamented Foot Clan Grunt Allen Branwell. “It’s driving me crazy that it could be any massive muscular turtle in the entire city! That masked turtle has a lot of savvy, wearing a tiny little strip of fabric covering one sixth of his face so that there’s no way he, or she, could be identified. Then after they defeat us time and time again, they slink into the sewer to presumably travel undetected to whatever studio apartment they are likely renting. Whoever they are, they’re clearly masters of deception and stealth.”

Foot Clan leader and local terrorist Shredder commented on the new thorn in his organization’s side.

“There’s four of them with different masks, and despite the fact they all have different dialects for some reason, we can’t trace them to anyone in town,” said Shredder. “All we have to go on is that they are a six-foot-tall turtle so not exactly much to narrow it down. Also, why didn’t I think of just doing a really simple, lightweight mask? I’ve been lugging around a bunch of bullshit gear and ornate, bespoke samurai masks for years to hide my identity, and now I must admit I feel a bit foolish.”

At press time, an inside source noted that they had thought they had seen the vigilante turtle in question, but due to the large trench coat and fedora they were wearing, it must have just been a regular large green human man.

Gatekeeper Returns From Mountaintop With 10 Commandments For Being a Real Gamer

Posted on by Kyle Erf

MUNCIE, Ind. — Local gamer and gatekeeper Mozis Becker has descended from a nearby mountaintop and presented his peers with what he says are the ten commandments for gaming on an Android tablet. 

“God has spoken to me! He has given me the rules” said Becker upon reentering the crowded parking lot at the town’s center, which was hosting a farmer’s market at the time. 

At this point, the farmer’s market crowd reportedly gathered attentively to hear the man’s proclamation of the new rules of gaming. 

“Thou shalt not use an aimbot in an online match,” he read, much to the titter of the gathered townsfolk. “Thou shalt not get your food hands on a shared controller. Thou shalt not cut in line at the Street Fighter II or Mortal Kombat machines.” 

“Oh, that’s kind of an old one,” Becker added. “That’s not going to come up a lot.” 

The gathered crowd rejoiced as he continued to list the commandments. Among them were ones that warned against posting spoilers for games’ endings and to not steal your neighbor’s console. 

“Praise be to god, we have finally been ordered what to do,” said one local resident. “We have been lost sheep in search of a shepherd, but today, this totally gnarly dude has come to the rescue. Gamers love a top ten list, and this might be the greatest one yet. Top five, easy. I knew that old GamePro magazine his brother Aaron was showing everyone and calling ‘The Good Book’ was a load of horseshit. ” 

As of press time, Becker was so mad about the old issue of GamePro that he’d thrown the Android tablet on the ground, smashing it to pieces.

‘Cult of the Lamb’ Required to Be Played as Onboarding for New Hot Topic Employees

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

CITY OF INDUSTRY, Calif. — As part of a new hiring initiative, Hot Topic has instructed all of its new employees to play the new indie game Cult of the Lamb from Devolver Digital and Massive Monster.

“This game has everything that Hot Topic is about, and that shoppers of our store would love,” explained Hot Topic CEO Steve Vranes. “There’s adorable animals, stark black-and-red colors, and a central theme about surrounding yourself with like-minded folks that will help you serve a great and evil god. As your character serves The One Who Waits Below in Cult of the Lamb, so do Hot Topic employees serve capitalism.”

“It’s a basic safety precaution,” Vranes added. “We assume if you’re going to work at Hot Topic that you play video games, but if not, it’s good to have at least some gaming experience under your belt. Especially if it’s about The Devil.”

Glen Hanks, HR Director for Hot Topic Northeast, is reportedly “psyched” about the cross-promotion between brands. 

“Like we actually say in our ads, working here is the shit. That’s literally on our website — go check,” Hanks said. “You have to deal with shit at your campsite in Cult of The Lamb, and while employees rarely deal with feces on store property, it’s still good to get a bit of training in that area Besides, there’s also something poetic about forcing all of our underlings to do something whether they want to or not.”

As of press time, not a single new hire has complained about this new practice since Cult of the Lamb is a fun title that blends together cute animation and grisly content with two great styles of gameplay, and is certainly in contention for many people’s Game of The Year list. Can you believe this is a sponsored article?

Yep, that’s right: this article is sponsored by Devolver Digital! Hot Topic may not really exist, but Cult of the Lamb absolutely does and it’s one of the best indie games of the year, so check it out on Steam, or else you’ll be missing out. You don’t wanna miss out, do you? All alone like that? Come on, man.

Remember The Sandlot? I Bet You Do, You Old Piece of Shit

Posted on by Sam LiButti

Nostalgic for the halcyon days of your youth with all of its familiar pieces of pop culture ephemera? Perhaps in your waking daydreams you occasionally pause to remember the modern classic children’s baseball film, The Sandlot? Don’t answer — I can already tell you do by the look of your thin-ass wiry grey hair, you old fucking piece of shit. Yeah, I bet you’re so old you saw that shit in theaters, didn’t you? Mommy and daddy called you a horse-drawn carriage to take you to the moving pictures show, didn’t they, motherfucker?

I bet your first crush was some Victorian-era looking girl named Wendy Peffercorn, too, right? She probably died like 20 years ago from old age, meanwhile here you are just waiting for death’s cold embrace to finally end what was once a youthful spark of life full of hopes and dreams and optimism for the future. I’m sure you have some firsthand stories about using dial-up, too, don’t you, old sport? And by the way, you can spare me your impression of the AOL modem dialing noise, pops. In some cultures, you would be revered as an Elder, y’know, so the least I can do is to whisper a familiar line or two from The Sandlot into your ear to lull you to sleep for the remainder of this article.

“You’re killing me, smalls!” Boy oh boy, remember that great line? Maybe not, I know it’s becoming harder and harder for you to really remember anything these days. But don’t worry, I’m sure those omega-3 fish oil pills will start helping with that any day now. If it doesn’t help you remember fun Sandlot trivia, maybe it will at least relieve you of lying awake every night, reliving all of your past mistakes, thinking of all of the things you could have done differently if only you’d known how fast time would pass you by.

Anyway, don’t forget to take your arthritis pills before you try and write a comment on this article about how you would always rent The Sandlot on VHS over and over from Blockbuster, you decrepit old fuck, because we all know the only thing you have left to cling to is your memories of that last whimpering decade where the world wasn’t completely fucked to distract you from the fact that you will never afford to raise a family like people could back then. You yuppie ’90s kids make me fucking sick.

By the way, did you know the original title of the film was The Boys of Summer? Pretty neat little factoid!

Man Buys Goku Fortnite Skin to Live Out Escapist Fantasy of Abandoning His Son

Posted on by Alex Ptak

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local father Robert Parker reportedly jumped at the chance to play Fortnite as Goku, the famous Dragon Ball Z character who does not take care of his son.

“Goku rocks. He’s so strong he can punch through a mountain,” explained Parker, 35, playing Fortnite on the living room couch only a few feet away from his son Matthew, 4. “Nobody can make Goku take his kid to the playground on Sundays when the Vikings are in preseason.”

Parker, a union electrician, said he dreams of living what he calls The Goku Lifestyle, and hopes the skin will allow him a form of escape.

“This is a guy who fights all day, and he doesn’t have to watch his son because he’s dead half the time. That means he can go to the bar any night of the week he wants,” said Parker, who also mimics Goku by eating meat very quickly.

Matthew was quick to add his support to the conversation, shouting “Goku!” over and over again for the remainder of the interview.

“That’s right, Matty,” Parker confirmed with a hollow look behind his eyes. “Goku.”

When reached for comment, Child Protective Services insisted that purchasing a Fortnite skin does not merit state intervention regardless of context.