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So-Called “Retro” Gamer Sucks at Baseball

NEW YORK — A self described “retro” gamer has revealed himself to be a fraud after proving glaringly incapable at baseball, one of the oldest competitive games in existence, onlookers have confirmed. 

“This dude was talking a big game at work about being an old school gamer,” said Jacob Williams of his co-worker Walt Greenfield. “So I said alright, me and the boys get together and play retro games every week and he should come join us. He said he was gonna kick our ass, and I even told him it was baseball and everything. So imagine my delight when he struck out three times and got a black eye from a routine pop-out. This dude doesn’t know shit about retro games.” 

Greenfield says the misunderstanding of what constitutes a retro game is to blame for the mix-up. 

“I thought he and his buddies were gonna be playing Bases Loaded for the NES or something,” he said, following a humiliating performance in game one of a doubleheader. “I didn’t realize they get together and play, like, real games and stuff. It wouldn’t have even been so bad, but they were playing in some weird old style. They said it was something called ‘Knickerbocker rules,’ and we played until one team got to 21 runs. I don’t even know what this shit is.” 

Members of the gaming group said they could tell a phony gamer when they see one. 

“Another poser, we see them all the time,” said Renee Patterson, a member of the retro gaming group. “Someone thinks just because they’ve played a video game from 1983 that they know all about retro games. 1983 like just happened, dude. Get real. They’ve been playing baseball in North America since the 1830’s, okay?  There’s a lot more to the history of games than Space Invaders and Ms. Pac Man, you losers. That asshole’s not coming to bare knuckle boxing next week, is he?” 

As of press time, Greenfield had been ejected from the ballpark on the grounds of being a fake gamer.