Royal Usher Solemnly Deletes Queen’s God of War Save File

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

WESTMINSTER, England — Local officials have confirmed that a royal usher has provided a final service for Queen Elizabeth II by deleting her God of War save file from Buckingham Palace’s PS4.

Roger Guffman, former wing commander of the Royal Air Force and long-time usher for the royal family, carried out the task after news of the Queen’s passing had reached the palace. “Though we mourn the loss of a great leader, it’s important for us to move on as a people and a country,” said Guffman through a strong gray mustache and stiff upper lip. “In many ways, she was the Kratos to the United Kingdom’s Atreus. We looked up to her and she wielded a mighty ax.”

“Unfortunately we do not have any precedent for how to handle the save files of Her Majesty, as the Queen had been alive since the creation of video games,” he added. “The Queen was an avid gamer; contrary to popular belief she rejected owning a gold-plated Nintendo Wii due to her insistence that Nintendo consoles were only for children. With a heavy heart, and with the Queen in mind, I have erased her console’s save files.”

The decision to delete the file was met with some consternation from fellow servants who believe Guffman had an ulterior motive. 

“We know how jealous Guff can get,” explained Sarah Washingham, a senior dresser for the royals. “All the servants had to hear for weeks about how Guff hated that Her Majesty managed to beat Sigrun, the secret Valkyrie Queen boss, and he was struggling. Told us he couldn’t get that boss screaming ‘UNWORTHY’ out of his head. It nearly drove him mad.”

King Charles III, the next in line for owning the Queen’s PS4, did not have an opinion on the save deletion, but said in a press release, “I believe it to be the biggest tragedy of all that my mother will not be alive on November 9th. to see the continuing adventures of Kratos and Atreus as they face the Nordic pantheon in the upcoming God of War: Ragnarok.”

Guffman refused to answer further questions about the file deletion, but did clarify that he still has not beaten Sigrun as he can’t figure out her patterns.

Smash Hit PowerWash Simulator Announces Sequel Set During World War II

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

EL SEGUNDO, Calif. — The makers of the popular PowerWash Simulator video game have announced a forthcoming prequel to their breakout hit: PowerWash Simulator: WWII. 

“We are taking this series in the logical next step for the franchise, and that’s taking it back to World War II,” said Nick McCarthy, a lead developer with FuturLab, the creators of PowerWash Simulator. “We are so glad that people responded positively to our game. We racked our brains and couldn’t come up with any more fun contemporary stuff for players to hose mud off of, so we’re off to Warsaw, Normandy, and Berlin to clean some of the more famous military vehicles of the era!” 

“Also, the game takes place while the war is happening,” he clarified. 

Fans of the original were overjoyed to hear its sequel would be taking place during one of the more popular wars. 

“Whoa, that sounds badass,” said Brandon Bertram, a fan of PowerWash Simulator. “Did you see that teaser they put out where you’re power washing the tanks as they advance through the countryside? I don’t know if it’s all the way historically accurate, but I’m truthfully just stoked to play through World War II in a new way. Those tanks are gonna fuckin’ shine, baby!” 

Some, however, felt the liberties taken for the sake of the game were disrespectful to the participants of the war.

“This is just shameless, we really need to stop mining atrocities for entertainment value,” said Rick Edwards, a history professor at UCLA. “I mean look, I’m not going to lie and say it doesn’t look as fun as all get out to power wash the dirt off of a Boeing P-26 after it engaged with Japanese fighters over the Batangas Fields. They really knew how to make aircrafts back then, I tell you. They look absolutely gorgeous in this game, too. Still though, absolutely shameless. I better try it though, to see just how shameless it is, don’t you guys think?”

As of press time, FuturLab wouldn’t confirm whether PowerWash Simulator: WWII would feature a zombie mode as rumors have heavily suggested. 

13-Year-Old Boy Sues ‘Shadow Warrior’ Devs for Stealing His Idea for the Perfect Video Game

Posted on by Simon Bower

MILWAUKEE — A Wisconsin seventh-grader has filed a lawsuit against Flying Wild Hog, developer of the acclaimed Shadow Warrior video game series, alleging that the company plagiarized several narrative and design elements from his own ideas for a “really cool” first-person shooter.

“This is a clear infringement of intellectual property rights,” said the boy’s attorney in a statement to the press. “My client, Billy, came up with the original idea for a video game where you slice gangsters and demons limb from limb with a katana in a glorious orgy of ultraviolence. The defendants have clearly stolen poor little Billy’s concept and used it to develop Shadow Warrior. The similarities are undeniable, right down to the copious amount of dick jokes.”

Billy’s attorney acknowledged the difficulty in proving a case like this, but affirmed his belief that they have sufficient evidence to convince a jury of Shadow Warrior’s adolescent origins.

“The facts are on our side, and the jury will see that,” he continued. “We’ve already filed the original design notes and drawings from the margins of Billy’s science book into evidence, as well as a desk into which he carved the last name of Shadow Warrior’s eventual protagonist Lo Wang. We also have reliable testimony from Billy’s best friend Johnny, who my client told about the game and agreed that it sounded, and I quote, ‘rad as hell.’”

A spokesperson for Flying Wild Hog has denied the allegations of plagiarism, and insists that the studio developed Shadow Warrior with no influence from the violent and immature fantasies of a 13-year-old boy.

“Any similarities between our studio’s games and the wild imagination of a hormonal teenager are purely coincidental,” the spokesperson responded. “Furthermore, there are several gameplay elements in Billy’s outline that were never put into Shadow Warrior, such as his idea for fully interactive sex scenes at the end of every level. There was just no way we could do that without it affecting our ESRB rating, so we had to leave it in the notebook where we found it. Oh wait, I didn’t mean…uh…ummm…” At this point, Flying Wild Hog’s spokesperson quickly left the room without taking any questions.

At press time, both sides had reportedly reached a settlement agreement that would bring Billy on to head development of the studio’s next project.

If you’re reading this and you’re like “damn, it’s too bad this is satire because that game sounds cool as hell,” then I have good news for you: this article is sponsored by Devolver Digital! Check out the Shadow Warrior games on Steam and cut through demons like you’re running through the dreams of a crazed 13-year-old boy.

Rockstar Leaker Threatens to Release the Same Portion of GTA 6 Three More Times Over the Next Several Years

Posted on by Will Carnevale

OXFORDSHIRE, England — The individual responsible for leaking unfinished gameplay content from the next installment in the Grand Theft Auto series has threatened to re-leak that footage three more times in the coming years.

“I will periodically and disappointingly release the same clips again and again, and probably one more time after that,” the leaker explained via Telegram. “I may or may not have any other GTA content to leak, but I’m guessing you’ll settle for watching the same stuff again considering how viral it went the first time, so it looks like I’ll see you again in about a year and two months.”

The leaker clarified that the only changes to expect from each release are minor increases in resolution or graphical quality, assuming that viewers watch the footage on new and better devices every time, which would have to be purchased by each viewer independent of any leaks.

“At first, we were understandably horrified to see any new Grand Theft Auto content released, by us or otherwise,” said Cam Holmes, a representative of Rockstar Games, Inc., “but it turns out the more time people spend talking about leaks, the less time they spend calling us sellout slackers who hold teenagers upside down and shake microtransactions out of their pockets. We love being the victim for once. If we can do it twice, thrice, and beyond, have at it.”

Avid GTA player Benjamin Williams has been eagerly awaiting the release of GTA 6 since he first opened the box for GTA 5 back in 2013. He was less enthusiastic than Rockstar about the leaker’s plans.

“Look, I’m a big fan of the leak,” Williams said, “but it seems kind of lazy of the leaker just to keep putting the same thing out instead of anything new. I mean, I don’t know much about infiltrating the network of one of the biggest gaming companies on Earth, but how hard would it have been to do way more of that with the same limited resources? It’s like they didn’t take my feelings specifically into consideration at all.”

The leaker later confirmed that neither Williams’ nor anyone else’s feelings have been taken into account at any point in this process.

Opinion: How Can AI Be Considered a Real Artist If It Isn’t Forced to Draw a Bunch of Furry Porn Before Making the Art It Wants to Make?

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

Computers are making paintings on the internet now, and we, as a culture, have to decide if that’s alright or not. As the debates around AI art continue to swirl, questions are being asked about whether or not AI art should even be considered art at all. Afterall, what is art? Well for one, art is created by artists. And one thing for certain: you’re not a real artist unless you’re forced to draw a bunch of furry porn before making the art you actually want to make.

If there’s one thing that makes someone an artist, it’s the crippling weight of the economic system we live in and the understanding that the thing you love to do — the thing that you are best at doing — is valued at precisely zero dollars. And so you’re forced to do the thing that artists do: agree to draw pictures of humanoid animals fucking each other to pay the bills, so that, in time, you may get a chance to draw the creepy skeleton guy you want to make. If you don’t go through this process, are you truly an artist?

And maybe you don’t draw furry porn to pay the bills. Maybe you’re an artist, but not of the drawing variety. Maybe you did this once before and you’re already successful. These things do not matter. If you once drew furry porn to pay the bills, you are forever an artist who drew furry porn to pay the bills. And sometimes that furry porn isn’t literally furry porn. Sometimes it’s extremely realistic greyscale drawings of Walter White. Sometimes it’s having to figure out a way for your art to be a daily 15-second video on TikTok. Sometimes it’s having a corporate job. Whatever your thing is, it is your furry porn. It is your version of having to draw two extremely muscular foxes drenched in each other’s bodily fluids. That is what makes someone an artist, and perhaps, that alone.

But what happens when an AI tries to paint a picture? Someone inputs a sentence, the AI scans through a bunch of paintings by human artists, and then tries to mash the two together. But how can something so instant be art? Where is the struggle? Where are cramping arms, tired from finishing commissions? Where is the furry porn? How is this not just a rehash of the real art made by artists who have drawn furry porn?

In its current state, no truly serious person could argue that an AI is a real artist without having to draw a bunch of furry porn.

But there are compromises I believe we can make to mend the two sides of this argument. Imagine a world where every time you input a sentence into DALL·E 2 or Midjourney, you have to wait like six months for that image to come out. That’s because every time there’s a prompt, the AI has to automatically begin spending that time drawing dozens of furry porn commissions. These commissions don’t come from anyone, and they aren’t ever shown to anyone, but the AI has to spend that time making the drawings before starting the one you requested. 

I think that would build a lot of character into these machines. And I think it would really change the debate as to whether or not AI art is really art. Just something to think about. Now, I gotta go — writing about video games on the internet doesn’t quite pay the bills these days, and I have a lot of furry porn to draw.

Age of Empires 4 (AoE4) French Build Order Guide

Posted on by Antony Terence

With Age of Empires 4 contesting for the real-time strategy throne, there’s never been a better time to dive into the game. Here’s an AoE4 French build order that lets you quickly charge into battle as the French civilization against AI and human opponents.

The French are a fairly simple civilization to use in Age of Empires 4. Their early game military focus coupled with economic bonuses make them a threat to both veterans and new Age of Empires players. In the Feudal Age, they gain access to Royal Knights, powerful armored units that can raid enemy bases and decimate armies if left unchecked. Faster villager production and cheaper economic buildings mean that you’ll gain an edge over opponents over time.

The following build order takes advantage of these strengths to press your opponent with constant raids while building up your economy. Deal enough damage to the enemy’s villager count and you’ll emerge victorious in no time. This French build order for AoE4 focuses on getting Royal Knights into the field as quickly as possible to raid vital resource points.

Age of Empires 4 French Knight Rush Build Order

  • Send your first six villagers to gather Food from Sheep. 
  • The next two villagers will gather Food from your Sheep as well.
  • Build a house to raise your population limit to 20.
  • Build a Mining camp for Gold and send the next four villagers to gather Gold.
  • Build a Lumber camp for Wood and send the next two villagers to gather Wood.
  • Move to the Feudal Age by building your landmark (School of Cavalry) with four villagers who were gathering Food earlier. This should happen before the 3-minute mark.

  • Build a Mill near the Berries and research Wheelbarrow (boosts villager speed and how many resources they can carry).
  • Build a house to raise your population limit to 30.
  • Once you reach the Feudal Age (around the 4-minute mark), start training Royal Knights and send them over to harass enemy villagers. 

  • Deny resources based on what the other civilization requires (Stone for Abbassid/Chinese and Food for Delhi, for instance). Denying Gold will slow the enemy’s plans to reach the next Age.
  • Build a Blacksmith and research Iron Undermesh to improve the ranged armor of your troops. Research Chivalry at the School of Cavalry to let your Knights regenerate health when out of combat.

Why This French Build Order Works

The French are apex predators in the Feudal Age, with their Royal Knights being effective even against Castle Age units. Knock down enough enemy villagers and you’ll be able to take down your enemy’s Landmarks (a victory condition) or head into the next Age first. The latter will open up even more unit compositions, placing your enemy at a severe disadvantage. 

Your next course of action will depend on how your enemy reacts. If you’re facing Spearmen (who counter Royal Knights), build an Archery range and train Archers to pick them off. And if you manage to keep your enemy away from key resources, consider investing in Siege Engineering at the Blacksmith. This tech lets you build rams on the field, letting you make short work of enemy buildings.

A final word of caution. Don’t send your Royal Knights into a row of Spearmen. Counter them with Archers instead. Armored Knights can take arrows like a cushion but fall quickly to spears. The French are a force to be reckoned with and are a great pick for players new to Age of Empires 4. This Age of Empires 4 French build order will kickstart your journey on the ranked ladder as well as dominate unranked battlefields. See you on the saddle, fellow knight.

MultiVersus Jake Guide: Best Moves, Strategies, Perks

Posted on by Michael Katz

Jake the Dog took a bite of Gum Gum and now brings his grotesque stretching ability to MultiVersus. He’s considered a Bruiser, a class of fighter with good overall abilities for combat. Jake was one of the original characters at MutiVersus‘ launch, and he’s always been a solid pick thanks to his Dhalsim-style of combat, letting him hit the enemy from very far away. In this MultiVersus Jake guide, I’ll provide the rundown of his moves and strategies.

MultiVersus Jake Guide – Basic Attacks

jake basic attacks

For the first section of this MultiVersus Jake Guide, I’ll describe his basic moves. They tend to have good range, but low speed.

  • Neutral Ground Attack: Jake forms his hand into a mace and slams it down over his head. Hits hard and breaks armor, but is slow. Don’t bother unless you’re reading your opponent, or fighting Superman.
  • Side Ground Attack: Jake’s basic three-hit string, two chops and a belly bump. This is pretty quick, and the third hit has a little bit of kill potential. It can also be cancelled into other attacks pretty easily. A good low-commitment option at close range.
  • Up Ground Attack: This one’s good. Jake morphs his hand into an axe blade, then swings it over his head in a 180-degree arc. The range is good, and the longer the move charges, the bigger it gets. It hits all around him, too, making it very hard to evade at close range. And, of course, it’s an effective vertical kill move. Its weakness is its speed: its full potential requires charge time, and Jake’s vulnerable for a second when the move ends. It works best as a trap for aggressive enemies.
  • Down Ground Attack: A split kick that breaks armor. Short-range compared to Jake’s other attacks, but it hits on both sides of him. A situational move.
  • Neutral Air Attack: Jake inflates, hitting nearby enemies in the air. A good standard attack for quick air engagements, with a second hammer attack if you press the button a second time. Great to use if you were trying to do a stretchy punch but the enemy got too close.
  • Side Air Attack: The stretchy punch. This is Jake’s best attack. After a second of midair charging, Jake flings his fist forward a good distance. Its great range lets Jake attack mid-range enemies safely. It can be aimed at any angle, even straight up or down. In addition to letting him punish enemies far above or below, this lets Jake work around other characters’ preferred angles of attack. Many characters are strong Vertically or Horizontally, but few are effective diagonally. It even has a sweetspot on the very end: when aimed just right, this punch can kill. As with Jake’s stretchiest attacks, however, it’s slow. Aiming takes a second, so it’s too late to use if the enemy is already on you. Make sure to use the right moves at the right range.
  • Up Air Attack: Another two-part air attack. First, Jake swings a mace-arm upwards a short distance. On the second press, he flails it around in a wide area above him. The first attack is a little short for Jake, but it’s quicker than trying to do an upward stretchy punch. Also, hitting with the first makes it very easy to combo into the second hit, which is much wider. Both attacks let Jake drift a little in the air, making this an easy option against airborne enemies.
  • Down Air Attack: Jake deploys a skateboard (and helmet – always practice proper safety) and drops downward a little. If he lands on an enemy (or ally, but they won’t take damage), he does a trick and bounces up a little. He can do up to three tricks on people’s heads, and the third one will cause a little burn damage on an enemy. This doesn’t have the range of Jake’s other attacks, but it’s fast, and its potential is high. Landing all three hits does good damage, and if it’s done offstage, it can spike enemies to their doom. Don’t worry about getting the timing wrong – holding down the button (or the right stick) keeps the skateboard out, so all three hits can land easily.

MultiVersus Jake Guide – Special Attacks

jake multiversus bounce house

Jake’s specials look pretty weird, but they share a similar effect: they’re based around changing Jake’s position on the stage. All of them behave the same in the air as they do on the ground.

  • Neutral Special: Jake bites forward, swallowing anyone in front of him. Once spit out, enemies take a Weaken debuff and get sent flying as a projectile. Allies, on the other hand, get an armor buff. This is more of a support skill than an attack, since its range is poor and its knockback is nothing special. It may be worth using it at the end of a jab combo to start building early damage with the debuff, but not if you’d risk counterattack from an enemy teammate.
  • Side Special: Horse Mode. Hold down the button, and Jake rushes forward, striking enemies in his path. It travels quickly, so it can surprise enemies who think they’re at a safe distance. It also lets you cancel into other attacks – you could end your rush by charging an axe swing, for example. It’s usable in the air for a decent, if predictable, recovery option, and it can jump to catch enemies trying to evade. It’s very punishable, though, so don’t use it too much. Starting the move in midair is one way to surprise the enemy. Also, for what it’s worth, allies can ride on the horse’s back.
  • Up Special: Jake stretches his head upward. After a second, his lower body snaps back to his head’s location. This doesn’t look like an attack, but it is: the snap-back is considered a projectile. It’s strong, too, with some decent kill potential. Jake’s elongated body doesn’t take damage during the stretch, only his head, which is hard to hit. He becomes an instant, rubbery wall. This move has tons of creative potential for recovery, area denial, and even vertical kills, but it has two charges on a long cooldown. It’s powerful, but you have to make it count. It also keeps Jake from moving normally for a little while, so be prepared to commit.
  • Down Special: Jake turns into a big object and crashes down, Kirby-style. This is a great ambush from above, and is cancelled fairly quickly, minimizing risk. It also has a powerful extra property: it reflects enemy projectiles. Holding down the button prolongs the effect, ruining the gameplan of characters whose names rhyme with “Blick Blanchez“. Similar to Jake’s other big moves, it’s punishable if the enemy can see it coming, so keep mixing up your responses. Allies can bounce off Jake as well, causing a shockwave, but you’d need coordination to make that valuable.

How To Win Team Battles As Jake

MultiVersus‘ Jake is a solid character with all-around skills, but not much teamplay. He weighs a lot, so he can take a good bit of damage, but he doesn’t have natural armor. His attacks have great range, but they’re a little slow. He also doesn’t have any projectiles, requiring him to fight up close.

Pairing Jake with an Assassin like Finn or Harley makes sense, since Jake’s best kill moves are hard to land on an observant enemy. Teaming up with a Mage like Bugs or Rick makes sense as well, with Jake up front and the Mage in the back. The Mage can use projectiles to compensate for Jake’s lack of them, and Jake can keep enemies away with his long melee, while reflecting enemy counter-projectiles using his down special.

How To Win 1v1 Battles As Jake

jake 1v1 win sceen

Jake has all the necessary tools to win in 1v1: range, speed, and power, with good survivability to boot. Victory as Jake means proper spacing. Stay outside the enemy’s range and strike with stretch punches from uncomfortable angles. When they try to dodge behind you, get ’em with a big charged axe swing. Do your best to mix up your attack options, since Jake is a little slow. Any time the enemy can predict your next attack, you stand to take a big hit.

Best Perks For Jake

jake multiversus perks

For the last section of the MultiVersus Jake Guide, I’ll explain his perk options. He has two signature perks: Sticky at level 8, and Stay Limber, Dude at level 10.

  • All the pros use Sticky. This stuns anyone who touches Jake while he’s doing an up special stretch. A stunned enemy is nearly guaranteed to get hit by the snap-back, which can kill near the screen’s top edge. This makes his already-useful special a lot deadlier.
  • Stay Limber, Dude makes his down special a bit more mobile, which can keep enemies from counterattacking as easily, but it’s nowhere near as useful as the hazardous wall effect from Sticky. You should rotate your attacks to avoid being predictable, instead.

For secondary perks, knockback resistance makes sense due to Jake’s weight. Tasmanian Trigonometry is the popular choice, but ‘Toon Elasticity is a decent pick as well, and Jake earns that one early. Add a Triple Jump, and you’ll have a good defensive setup. If you want to focus more on damage, Lumpy Space Punch (more damage in the air) is probably your best bet, since Jake’s aerial stretch punch is so important. Directional buffs aren’t useful for Jake, since his options are more varied. He doesn’t rely heavily on debuffs or cooldown, either, so the above setup should be all you need.

How to Play Wesker in Dead by Daylight

Posted on by Amy Eastland

Albert Wesker is the newest killer to be added to Dead by Daylight and he is taking matches by storm. He is a force to be reckoned with when played right and has incredible powers that have yet seen a nerf in-game. Many Survivors are struggling to win a match against him, and Killers are loving it. This guide will teach you the best perks to take on Wesker and the best items to use to ensure that you are ruining their day and making sure you win the match easily.

The perks that Wesker comes with are already pretty strong, and they are listed below:

  • Superior Anatomy: When a survivor performs a rushed vault within 8 meters of Wesker, Superior Anatomy will activate. This increases the Killer’s vaulting speed by 30/35/40% the next time they vault a window. After vaulting, this goes on cooldown for 30 seconds.
  • Awakened Awareness: While carrying a Survivor, the auras of all other survivors within 16/18/20 meters are revealed of Wesker’s location.
  • Terminus: Once the Exit Gates are powered, Terminus is activated. All Survivors in an injured, dying or hooked state will suffer from the Broken status effect until the Exit Gates are opened. The effect lingers for another 20/25/30 seconds after the Exit Gates are open. 

These perks are very powerful and can be used well on Wesker, as they work very well with his pre-existing abilities, especially his lunge attack. The abilities used on Wesker really depend on what kind of build you want to go for, but there are a few perks that will work well no matter what kind of build you have. 

Perks To Use On Wesker

Save The Best For Last can work really well in Dead by Daylight with Wesker’s pre-existing speed and map control, along with Superior Anatomy. By having an Obsession, it means he’ll be able to attack much faster than he usually can, and this will make it much harder for Survivors to avoid his grasp. Equally, Bamboozle would fit into this build nicely if you were focused on a vaulting build, as it would affect Survivors ability to vault in certain situations and get them stuck in corners quicker and be able to move you on faster to the next Obsession. 

If you wanted a build for Awakened Awareness, Hysteria would be a fantastic perk to take alongside it. It means that any time a healthy Survivor is put into an injured state, all injured survivors suffer from Oblivious. This means it would be a lot easier to chase Survivors down and kill them off. Hex: Plaything would also be a fantastic perk as it plays into using status effects to win. Hex: Plaything activates if there is a dull totem remaining on the grounds and a Survivor is hooked for the first time. The Survivor then suffers from Oblivious and Cursed until the totem is cleansed. For the first 90 seconds, only the Cursed Survivor is able to cleanse the totem. The totem is revealed within 24/20/16 meters. The final perk to top off this build would be Dark Devotion. Another Obsession perk, but this time as soon as the Survivor loses a health state by any means, your terror radius is transferred to the Obsession for 20/25/30 seconds for 32 meters. You are then Undetectable.

Dead by Daylight’s Wesker: General Tips

Use your abilities carefully – if you mess up your bound it can be detrimental and while it can help you to catch up in a chase, it can ruin the chase if Survivors have more time to vault because your abilities have now gone on cooldown. If you are new to playing Wesker too, you may also mess it up and bound into a wall, allowing the Survivor to get away. 

Wesker has the largest terror radius in the game at 40 meters, meaning being aggressive is your best option if you play him. Unlike a lot of stealth Killers in the game, you won’t be able to sneak up on Survivors as easily, meaning bounding into them is the best way to down them. 

Avoid narrow rooms and walkways if possible- whilst it won’t always be possible, this is where Wesker can really get caught out with his bounds and also get pallet stunned easily. As his bound is quite unruly, it means that he could end up bounding into the corner of the room rather than the Survivor that was right in front of you. Be wise and chase them out of there carefully.

Splatoon 3 Tower Control: How to Play and Improve

Posted on by Alicia Haddick

Tower Control is one of the four Anarchy Battle ranked modes available in Splatoon 3 that tasks each team with transporting a tower from the center of the map towards a goal near the opponent’s base. It’s an objective-based modes centered on harsh territoriality over a small tower, resulting in high-kill and intense matches.

This makes Tower Control one of the most difficult modes to master in Splatoon 3, which is what this guide seeks to help with. This explainer is here to tell you everything you need to know to achieve victory in this mode, from the very basics to the strategies key for victory and rising through the ranks.

What are the Rules of Tower Control?

At the start of each match of Tower Control in Splatoon 3, each team will converge on a central tower stationary in the middle of the map. This is the objective, and victory is achieved either by transporting this tower to the goal in your opponent’s side of the field within five minutes, or the team that has gone the longest distance to transporting the tower when time runs out. The tower can only be moved along a set path when at least one member of your team is stood on the tower while none of the enemy team are on it.

If players from both teams are present on the tower at the same time, the tower will not move in either direction until only players from one team are stationed on the tower. Points are scored the further this tower travels along the path. Also, since you are less likely to paint the turf while standing on the tower, you will slowly increase your special meter the longer you stand on the tower.

How do Checkpoints Work in Tower Control in Splatoon 3?

In Tower Control in Splatoon 3, rather than the tower moving at a consistent rate through the stage from beginning to end, the tower will stop at 2-3 checkpoints along the route. At these points, players from the team moving the tower must stand on and protect the tower until the counter for the checkpoint reaches zero. At this point, the checkpoint will be cleared and the tower will continue to move along the map.

If the checkpoint is not cleared and the tower returns towards the center of the map, no matter for how long, the timer on the checkpoint will reset and the time needed to protect the tower t the checkpoint will restart from the beginning. However, after this has been cleared, the team will no longer have to wait at this spot of the map in order to continue towards the enemy base as the checkpoint will have disappeared. Each checkpoint must only be cleared once.

Protecting the Tower in Tower Control in Splatoon 3

The best methods of protecting the tower in Tower Control in Splatoon 3 depend heavily on team composition and weapon of choice. For example, it is better that players with stronger, short-range weapons such as Brushes stand on the tower due to their ability to rapidly inflict damage upon anyone who approaches or joins them on the tower.

Even more important than this are the effective use of specials and bombs to keep enemies away from the tower. The Big Bubbler is a temporary spherical barrier that protects against attacks from outside the protective sphere. While it doesn’t stop players from entering the sphere, climbing the tower and attacking from the inside, it does make it harder to attack from a distance and protects the player stood on the tower.

It should also be noted that the Big Bubbler lasts half as long when placed on top of the tower, lasting just 6 seconds rather than 12 seconds. Placing the Bubbler alongside the tower so that the sphere covers the tower at a checkpoint, however, will not count as being placed on the tower, ensuring it will last the full 12 seconds.

Alternatively, weapons that inflict area attacks that can be aimed at the tower are effective offensive maneuvers to remove opposition players standing on the tower, but can also be used defensively. Using a Triple Inkstrike aimed at the tower can prevent a player from approaching it due to the damage they would take while doing so.

Beyond special weapons, even bombs can be a useful deterrent to keep players from approaching the tower, even if they won’t protect from distant assault from long-range Shooters, Splatlings or Snipers. A suction bomb is guaranteed to stay on the tower and inflict damage to any enemy still stood on it when it explodes, making it a useful subweapon in this mode.

What are the Best Weapons to Use for Tower Control?

The best weapons in Tower Control in Splatoon 3 are long-range weapons that can inflict damage on players stationed on the tower, as well as short range weapons for those stood on the tower. The best weapons fitting in these categories are those with the most effective special abilities for the mode, as described above.

For short-range weapons, we recommend the default Splattershot Jr. Its rapid fire rate and the inclusion of a Big Bubbler as its special weapon make it a threat when stationed on the tower. We also like the employment of the Inkbrush, thanks to its rapid fire rate on the tower and ability to attack from afar with its Killer Wail 5.1 special.

When it comes to longer-range weapons, an effective sniper such as the E-liter 4K can be a game-winning weapon when used to pick off any opponent that dares to make a break for the tower. Long-range shooters such as the Jet Squelcher or even the Dapple Dualies as weapons with some of the longer range of any Shooter weapon in the game. We would generally discourage the use of the Dapple Dualies due to their lower damage output and inability to be used on the tower effectively as they would be unable to use their primary advantageous mechanic, the dodge roll.

How to Improve at Tower Control in Splatoon 3

the tower in Splatoon 3's Tower Control

Improving at Tower Control in Splatoon 3 comes from effectively taking control over the tower at the right moment and protecting the tower from the enemy team. The tower acts as a central point for which all action will converge upon, and being the player stood on the tower leaves you directly at the center of the match, and the most likely target for enemy assault.

To win, you must know how to effectively defend your position on the tower, whether that be through effective short-range weapon choice and bomb placement or the use of protective specials. Similarly, when not on the tower, offensive specials that can effectively remove your opponent from the moving platform such as the Inkstrike are key to stopping them from scoring more points.

As with all modes, map control is key, as this makes it far easier to find the best vantage points for long-range assault or to quickly make it to the tower to duke it out for control directly on the action point. Ultimately, paying attention to where your enemies are and picking them off before they have a chance to control the tower is very important, as specials like the Big Blobber make it harder than ever to remove an opponent once they’re comfortably in control of the Tower.

Happy splatting!

Jackass 5 to Feature 45 Minutes of Steve-O Attempting a Pokemon Emerald Kaizo Nuzlocke

Posted on by Brad Waters

PORTLAND, Ore. — Leaked footage suggests a significant portion of Jackass 5 will depict Steve-O taking on his most brutal obstacle yet, a Pokémon Emerald Kaizo Nuzlocke.

“We’re not getting any younger, you know,” said Steve-O, recovering from a failed run that left him feeble and disoriented. “Our bodies can’t really keep up with the kind of stunts we used to do, but we can still do Jackass, right? We can still do some crazy stuff.”

Steve-O went on to explain the process of selecting this specific stunt for the next movie.

“We tried a couple things. Preston actually became a Super Mario Sunshine speedrunner for a while. But it wasn’t very funny, because he was too good at it. He was getting GBS — uh, Gelato Beach Skip — first try every time. Pontius wanted to try Sekiro blindfolded, but that was a disaster because everybody just kept tasing him. Eventually I came across this forum where this guy was talking about how he’d made a Pokémon Emerald romhack that was supposed to be super hard, right? Every gym leader has six Pokémon, every ’Mon’s got an expanded movepool and the levels are way higher and stuff,” Steve-O said, laughing maniacally. “The guys all thought I was out of my mind.”

Many of Steve-O’s fellow cast members expressed concern about the challenge he was taking on, but the footage shows that Johnny Knoxville found it amusing.

“We didn’t even tell Steve-O that Brawly has a Hariyama with Force Palm. No healing paralysis in battle, asshole!” Knoxville whispered before the stunt, struggling to hold in his signature cackle. “Norman’s Slaking literally has Shadow Ball. That’s not even a move Slaking’s supposed to have! It’s just there to mess you up if you try using Ghost types against him. I can’t wait. I absolutely can’t wait to see it.”

The leaked video later depicts Steve-O so engrossed in his battle with Team Aqua Leader, Archie, that he fails to notice the giant lobster that has been attached to his left testicle.