Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Game’s Entire Development Budget Spent Coming Up With Cute Little Puns for the Achievements

Posted on January 2, 2023 by Kyle Erf

NEW YORK — Developers of an upcoming independent video game revealed they’ve blown most of their budget coming up with fun little puns for the achievement names, sources have confirmed.

“Wow, we really screwed the pooch here,” said Isaac Redd, director of the upcoming Pisticuffs. “We all agreed early on that we wanted this game to ooze charm and personality and just all of the positive things a game can ooze. In hindsight, maybe not the worst idea, but we should not have started with things like the funny achievement names and little loading screen gags and whatnot.”

“We should’ve built an engine or something, maybe come up with some characters,” he continued. “Hell, I don’t know.”

Programmers who had been working on Pisticuffs until recently concurred with Redd’s assessment that he’d been mismanaging company time and money.

“One on hand I was upset when they cut my team to hire more writers for the achievements,” said Lee Sharkey, one of many employees that have been laid off. “But on the other hand, I do not miss that work environment one bit. Instead of outlines or conceptual art, we were often handed notecards with weird phrases on them like ‘Let’s Taco ‘Bout Crafting!’ and ‘Christopher Walken Around!’ How am I supposed to design levels around these phrases?”

Others that have been working on the game disputed the claims.

“Best job I’ve ever had in my life,” said Chuck Nathan, a buddy of Redd’s who had been working at a restaurant prior to being brought onto the game’s Pun Team. “I was so sick of the service industry, and the offices here are so great. The pun writer’s assistants can get a little snooty sometimes, but if that’s the worst part of my job, I’m happy, you know what I mean?”

As of press time, Pisticuffs’ social media had posted a picture of a potato and announced that the game was entering an ‘indefinite fry-atus.’

BREAKING: Movie Available on Hulu UPDATE: Fucking Starz Add-On

Posted on January 2, 2023 by Camden Brazile

BREAKING: HUGE NEWS! Upon searching, it appears that the movie that everyone in the group has finally agreed to watch is available on Hulu, one of the streaming services that the host has on their Roku. It took a while for everyone to agree on a movie, with people saying they either had seen that movie before, or the proposed movie was simply out of the question because someone’s brother-in-law had said that movie sucked, and Brian knows a lot about movies.

But after the long, arduous process, the group all finally came to a consensus. And lo and behold, the movie is on Hulu!

Could this process be any easier? No renting the movie and venmoing someone, no having to buy the movie on YouTube, and no suffering through advertisements of the movie playing on cable. Hulu has answered your prayers and the movie was part of their catalog all along. The universe is sending you a sign that this movie is the perfect selection for tonight’s festivities. Nothing can stop this movie night! God himself could do nothing to stand in the way of your friend group making memories watching this movie together!

UPDATE: God hath played us for a fool. Our hubris is now revealed. Upon typing the title of the movie into the Hulu search, it appeared in all its glory, with cast information and a colorful background featuring a riveting scene from the movie. But alas, the play button was locked behind the barrier of the Starz add-on, grinding the process to a permanent halt, sending your movie selection careening back to square one as punishment for your arrogance.

Maybe this is a cosmic penance for your actions, or maybe the deck was stacked against you from the start. In any event, this will undoubtedly send movie night into an anarchic frenzy, with people shouting and fighting about what to watch. It’s over, and as you watch the Starz Add-On send your Sisyphean boulder rolling back down the hill, you have nobody to blame but yourself.

Oh, of course fucking Shelby won’t let you pull up 123movies on her TV! IT DOESN’T GIVE YOU A VIRUS SHELBY WE USE IT ALL THE TIME!

Thoughtful Horror Game Tutorial NPC Spends Last Moments Writing ‘Right Stick to Turn Camera’ on Wall With His Blood

Posted on January 1, 2023 by Maric Maric

THE OBSERVER — Tragic news has been received after US Spacecraft ‘The Observer’ came in contact with an unknown alien species Wednesday evening leading to a massacre of almost all people onboard. Ethan Summers, thirty year old father of two, was one of the many unfortunate victims.

“He was always a beacon of hope and wisdom,” says grieving wife Maya Summers. “He gave the best advice to everyone around him. I remember on our first date he told me ‘remember to blink or your eyes will dry’. When our first son started kindergarten he told him ‘when your hunger gets high consume food to lower it.’”

The Observer is reportedly still adrift in space and the interior is stained with the blood and corpses of human passengers, as well as ‘The Gylzobs’, alien creatures discovered by U.S. Space Army scientists that visited it after the massacre.

“This is our biggest nightmare come to life,” remarks U.S. Space Army Colonel David Gunpowder. “The Observer was the single most impenetrable spacecraft in the galaxy! It was decked out with laser turrets, flamethrower drones, and self-piloting mechs. How were we supposed to know the blasted aliens had telepathy based abilities with nearby technology?”

A Gylzob allegedly ripped off the lower half of the late Mr. Summers’ body during the initial contact before Summers crawled to a nearby wall and used his leaking fluids to write one final piece of information on the wall for an unknown party.

“His upper body was propped up against the wall with the words ‘Right stick to turn camera’ written next to him,” reports Space Army scientist Nelson Eggbrain. “Personally I’m at a loss at what this is supposed to mean and to whom it’s directed toward, but it could have a relation to the words that were written on the wall in the following room which said ‘press X to jump’. That room strangely contained a giant gap in the middle of the floor.”

The sole survivor of the incident was a man named Duke Gatlinghand. However, every request to speak with him has been met with strange grunts, repeated crouching and standing, and 2 foot high stationary jumps.

Why Moving Back to My Parents’ House Makes My Life a Metroidvania

Posted on January 1, 2023 by Bex Kane

Moving back in with your parents is often described as a step backwards, but maybe it’s more than that. If you put it in the context of a gaming genre I think it’s actually much more than an embarrassing circumstance that I really don’t want to talk about.

Of all the many gameplay genres that have been described, a few stand above the rest as lightning rods for some of the most passionate, yet inconsequential, arguments imaginable. To have an opinion on whether a game is or is not a roguelike, or a soulslike, or an RTS, is to invite the worst kind of terror on yourself.

Now I think we’re just limiting ourselves. Why does it even need to be a game I give a shaky evaluation of just to get death threats about genre? That’s why I’ve come to the conclusion that, ever since I moved back in with my parents, my very life is actually a Metroidvania.

Of course, people’s living situations can change for all sorts of reasons. For example, I was driven out of the place where I was living by an angry mob after expressing my beliefs on what genres Dead Cells should be tagged with.

Finding refuge in my childhood home, I realized how much my new life circumstances made me feel like Samus. After all, I had ventured out from the place where I started my life to a new area (college), obtained new tools and abilities (a degree), and come up against obstacles that required further tools that I didn’t have (a plan to use that degree and the basic ability to support myself).

What could I have done but turn back and see if I could gain some new advantage by exploring the place where I started?

Now, admittedly, I’ve found myself running into a bit of a wall here, but isn’t that just even more evidence? My theory stalling out is just like my current place in life, which is not at all sad and pathetic and only temporary.

Who among us has played a Metroid game without spending hours at a time running in pointless circles looking for a way to progress, only to realize that the stupid bomb block was staring us in the face the whole time?

I mean, I don’t know, maybe you have? Maybe you have a high paying job and a partner who loves you? Your own place perhaps? An ounce of joy in your life? Well either way screw you!

In any case, I’m just running in circles looking for my will to live. Once I find it, I think my next move is to backtrack to college and get my master’s.

Man Drowns During 4D Screening of Avatar 2

Posted on December 31, 2022 by Sean Fallon

SEATTLE — Tragedy struck today at a 4D screening of Avatar: The Way of Water when local man Mitch Edison drowned during one of the movie’s several immersive underwater sequences.

“We pride ourselves on creating a fun, interactive experience,” said Louis Moody, owner of Moody’s Roadside 4D Cinema, Bowling Alley, and Rifle Range. “This is the first time we’ve had a death here in 40 years of 4th dimensional entertainment, though we did see a lot of injuries when we showed that Volcano movie that had Tommy Lee Jones and Anne Heche in it. Lots of burns.”

Director James Cameron commented on the tragedy after hearing about Edison’s death.

“Am I happy a man died watching the movie? Of course not. All death is an affront to Eywa the mother tree,” said Cameron from the set of Avatar 3 or 4 — he wasn’t sure which. “But does this prove we’ve created a truly immersive version of Pandora that could kill a human being? You bet your ass it does. That’s what Avatar is about. These movies will fucking kill you.”

Edison’s family were heartbroken at his death, though they did find it fitting as he was an Avatar superfan.

“Mitch lived and breathed Avatar and the story of the main guy and the woman alien. Was his name Jack? Or John maybe,” said Stacy Edison, Mitch’s widow, who plans to get around to watching the series when she has the time. “He watched the first movie everyday, learned the language and everything. I don’t really get it, but when we died, we did exactly as he asked, which was to put his naked body into the fetal position and leave it by a really big tree. I think he wanted to be absorbed by the tree, but instead some garbage men came by the next day and took him.”

Moody’s Roadside 4D Cinema, Bowling Alley and Rifle Range has been closed since the death, but are hoping to be open in time for Oppenheimer, when the theater will excite viewers by setting off a nuclear explosion.

GTA Online Fooligan Jobs Guide: All Fooligan Jobs & Rewards

Posted on December 30, 2022 by Alex Branagan

The latest of Grand Theft Auto Online’s recent Los Santos Drug Wars content sees the addition of Fooligan jobs, where the player will run odd jobs for new contact Dax. The Fooligan rewards accompanying the December 29 changes have been updated by Rockstar for a limited time only, seemingly in celebration of the upcoming New Year. Here’s everything you need to know on how to complete GTA Online Fooligan jobs and snag this new bunch of rewards, all while raising your very own drug empire.

GTA Online: How to Start and Complete Fooligan Jobs

To get the ball rolling on accepting Fooligan Jobs in GTA Online, you’ll first need to complete the mission: First Dose 1 – Welcome to the Troupe. Doing so will mean you’ll have Dax as a contact on your cellphone. Call him up when you’re ready and request a job.

The five Jobs available are:

Heavy Metal
Liquid Assets
Write-Off
Working Remotely
Crop Dustin’

It’s worth noting you can only complete one job every in-game day, which equates to every 48 minutes in real-time.

All GTA Fooligan Job Rewards

From December 29, 2022, to January 12, 2023, GTA Online players can ring in the New Year in style with some stylish rewards by completing a number of Dax’s Fooligan Jobs.

The rewards for completing Fooligan Jobs and how to get them are as follows:

Ice Vinyl and Ice Vinyl Cut jackets – Complete your first Fooligan Job.
Black and White Bigness Ski masks – Complete 10 Fooligan Jobs
LS Smoking Jacket – Complete 25 Fooligan Jobs
Players who purchase or already own the Acid Lab Equipment Upgrade will receive the Yellow SN Rooster Revere Collar party shirt.

There’s also a bonus GTA$100K reward for players who complete 3 Fooligan Jobs as a Bodyguard or an Associate. Cash and clothing rewards will be deposited within 72 hours of completion, so don’t worry if it doesn’t hit your account immediately.

For more GTA Online guides, check out how to add the elusive Stun Gun weapon to your arsenal, or if you’re looking for something a little more lethal, check out our WM 29 Pistol guide.

League of Legends Patch 13.1 Overview: LoL Patch 13.1 Changes

Posted on December 30, 2022 by Nick Geracie

Riot Games is kicking off 2023 like any other year: a new season that brings a plethora of changes to flagship multiplayer online battle arena League of Legends, a trend that makes an effort to keep the game fresh since its 2009 inception. Season 13’s pre-season patch, Patch 12.22, was released on November 15, 2022, and introduced the player base to what League of Legends would look like in Season 13. And, as usual for Riot, the preseason patch was used to glean more information from the player base regarding the first official patch of the season: LoL Patch 13.1, which drops on January 11, 2023.

The majority of changes to League of Legends were introduced in the pre-season patch of 12.22, but what does 13.1, the first patch of the new season based on the calendar year, hold for players? Let’s take a look at what the official beginning of Season 13 will harken for gamers looking to hit Summoner’s Rift.

LoL Patch 13.1: Jax Midscope Update

As per usual in the pre-season, Patch 12.22 introduced many a change to League of Legends, but in the first official patch of 2023, Jax takes center stage in terms of LoL updates. Jax has been around since the inception of League of Legends, and while he has been the subject of minor adjustments in the past, Season 13 marks his first true rework.

Leap Strike (Q)

AP Ratio: 60% >>> removed

Counter Strike (E)

Damage: 55-155 (+50% bonus AD) physical damage >> 55-175 + 4% max health (+100% AP) magic damage
Damage bonus per attack dodges: 20% of total damage >> 20% of base damage

Grandmaster’s Might (R)

Cooldown: 80s >>> 100 – 80s

Passive:

Damage: 100 / 140 / 180 (+70% AP) >>> 100-150 (+60% AP)

Active:

Bonus Armor: 10 – 40 + 10% bAD and 14 – 22 + 10% bAD per target >>> 25 – 65 + 40% bAD and 15 – 25% + 10% bAD per target
Bonus MR is 75% of Armors Value

New Active:

Jax swings his lantern around him, dealing 150-350 (+100% AP) magic damage to nearby enemies. If he hits a champion he gains 10-40 (+.1 Bonus AD) Armor and Magic Resist, plus 14-22 (+.1 Bonus AD) per champion hit for the next 8 seconds. During this time the passive damage applies every 2nd attack instead of every 3rd.

Aside from stat changes, Jax’s midscope update for 13.1 features a new active for his Ultimate Ability Grandmaster’s Might, and while the removal of the AP ratio from his Leap Strike is an objective loss, the changes to his Counter Strike even things out in terms of his overall damage spread. Crucially, Jax’s changes – specifically, the addition of an Active to his Ultimate – should afford him more options in early game scenarios while not pushing his late game strength over the edge.

Abyssal Adjustments in Patch 13.1

Abyssal Mask is getting an update in Season 13 and the change harkens a return of the item’s component from seasons’ past: Catalyst of Aeons. After a two year absence from League of Legends, Catalyst of Aeons will once again be part of Abyssal Mask’s build path in addition to being part of the build path for Rod of Ages, a health-centric mage items that will also be returning to the game after two seasons absent.

Abyssal Mask	Damage to Mana: 8% >>> 7% Mana to Healing: 20% >>> 25% Max Healing per Cast: 15 >>> 20
Catalyst of Aeons	Damage to Mana: 8% >>> 7% Mana to Healing: 20% >>> 25% Max Healing per Cast: 15 >>> 20
Rod of Ages	Damage to Mana: 8% >>> 7% Mana to Healing: 20% >>> 25% Max Healing per Cast: 15 >>> 20 Bonus MS: 25% >>> 35% Bonus MS duration: 2s >>> 3s MS threshhold: 250 >>> 200

League of Legends experienced a massive shift mid-2022 with the Durability Patch (12.10) which saw average champion durability rise to the highest rate in five seasons. The re-introduction of Rod of Ages and the subsequent ripple effects of the item’s existence – particularly the additional re-introduction of Catalyst of Aeons – should result in a meta that will feature control mages but in a far more diverse array than what was present at the 2022 League of Legends World Championship.

Cosmetic Updates in LoL Patch 13.1

The gameplay updates present in Patch 13.1 aren’t the only changes coming to League of Legends – many champions will be receiving new cosmetic skins to ring in 2023 as well:

Champions Getting Mythmaker Skins in Patch 13.1

Mythmaker Zyra
Mythmaker Galio
Mythmaker Irelia
Mythmaker Sivir
Mythmaker Garen
Mythmaker Sivir Prestige Edition

Patch 13.1: Champions Getting Lunar Gods Skins

Lunar Empress Ashe
Lunar Empress Qiyana
Lunar Emperor Thresh
Lunar Guardian Kha’Zix
Lunar Guardian Malphite

Of all of the skins listed above, Mythmaker Irelia will be a legendary skin, and Mythmaker Sivir will serve as The Battle Mistress’ first ever prestige skin.. In addition, Porcelain Lissandra will be returning to the League of Legends shop with a Prestige Edition on 13.1.

Changes to Ranked in League of Legends Season 13: Mid-Season Reset

LoL Patch 13.1 will be the first patch to go live in Riot Games’ new ranked format for League of Legends, which is headlined by a first-ever mid-season ranked reset. There won’t be a second preseason in the middle of the year, and the second half of the year will not see the game change as dramatically as it does every preseason. “We know this is a huge change, but it’s one we think will help keep leek feeling modern and fun while addressing a few of the pain points we’ve seen over the years,” explained Riot Games Head of Events & Global Marketing Chris “Oberon” Roberts in the Season 13 Roundtable with the media earlier in January.

End of season rewards will now be handed out at the end of each of the two ranked “seasons” and good news is coming for the average League of Legends player – the Victorious skin given out to players who finish gold or higher each year will instead be a skin you get at the end of each of the two ranked runs in 2023 regardless of your ranking. That being said, higher ELO finishes will have access to more rewards, and realistically, more sought-after skins, too.

CoD Modern Warfare 2 Shipment Guide: What is Tier 1 Shipment?

Posted on December 30, 2022 by Samam Hasan

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2’s multiplayer playlist is updated from time to time to freshen up the experience for players. With some unique rules and guidelines, every map feels different and challenging. The recent Modern Warfare 2 multiplayer playlist update included the Tier 1 Shipment playlist. Some players might be confused about what this new playlist is. Here is everything you need to know about Tier 1 Shipment in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

Call of Duty MW2: What is Tier 1 Shipment?

The Shipment map is one of the iconic maps in the CoD franchise, making its first appearance in the legendary Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare in 2007. A modified and realistic version of this 6v6 map has been added to Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. It is a small-sized map that is great for chaotic shootouts and loads of fun. Not to mention, it is definitely fast-paced and requires the utmost focus and skill to win. As such, if players want the core of the Call of Duty series in a small-sized package, Shipment is a great map to play on. And, it even gets better when it is in the Tier 1 Shipment playlist.

A Tier 1 playlist is essentially the Hardcore mode that long-time Call of Duty players are accustomed to. There is minimal HUD in the matches, with only the necessary one showing up. Essential information like the compass or ammo count is not shown here. Death is almost a certainty here as players can die after taking one or two bullets. Friendly fire is also enabled here so you will have to be careful so that you don’t accidentally hit your teammates. In short, the Tier 1 mode provides players with a realistic shooter experience.

With Tier 1 Shipment, the stakes are very high. Players will need to use all their experience and skills if they want to come out on top in this chaotic playlist.

Andrew Tate Keeps Interrupting Female Cop Reading Him His Rights

Posted on December 30, 2022 by Camden Brazile

ROMANIA — Media and political personality Andrew Tate’s arrest today was apparently lengthened by Tate repeatedly interrupting the female cop reading him his rights.

“I’m gonna have to stop you right there, babe,” interjected Tate while being handcuffed. “You’re running your mouth right now about how ‘I have the right to an attorney’ or whatever, but you’re just proving my point about modern women. As an alpha male, you should be submitting to me, but society has warped your genetic mindset and made you a callous bitch who wants to lecture me about things like what shoes I should buy you or what human rights I’ve violated. Look, after this whole ‘human trafficking’ thing is over, you want to grab a drink sometime?”

The policewoman arresting Tate, officer Ana-Maria Fischer, explained how Tate’s instinctive intervening comments made the arrest more difficult.

“It took me almost four hours to get through the full list of rights in one go,” Officer Fischer said. “Mr. Tate would hold a finger to my lips and start aggressively bench-pressing or monologuing about the secret to being wealthy while backup officers searched his home for two missing girls. I eventually was only able to get him to listen by insisting that cutting me off was ‘a total cuck move,’ upon which he sat down and diligently listened.”

At press time, Tate reportedly lamented how western society has inflated the self-worth and entitlement of the women he imprisons.

Final Fantasy 7 Crisis Core Genji Equipment Guide: All Locations

Posted on December 30, 2022 by Noah Hunter

The Genji Equipment in Crisis Core Final Fantasy 7 Reunion can be tricky to obtain if you aren’t sure where to look. This equipment is required to earn a distinct achievement, as well as complete the overall SOLDIER Missions achievement. The Genji Equipment is very powerful and can greatly assist you as you fight through missions or some of the difficult summon battles. We’ve got you covered with exactly where every Crisis Core Genji Equipment piece is located, as well as how to obtain it.

How to Get the Genji Armor in Final Fantasy 7 Crisis Core

The Genji Armor is obtained by viewing 100% of the DMW scenes. There are seven characters with DMW scenes, as well as eleven summons with scenes. This is by far the hardest Genji piece to get, as it involves a long period of luck with viewing each scene.

Viewing all the scenes with summons additionally acquires you to obtain each summon. To help your chances of unlocking each scene, you can visit the Research Department QMC +. This shop is obtained in Chapter 10, at Gongaga in a chest. Here, you will be able to buy Materia that aligns with specific characters, and each will allow you to boost their chances of landing in the DMW.

After seeing all the DMW scenes, you will be rewarded with the Genji Armor. To claim this, enter the DMW menu where a pop-up will appear with the Genji Armor. This piece of equipment will give Zack a 99,999 limit on HP, as well as Endure and Regeneration effects.

Genji Gloves – How to Get Genji Equipment in Crisis Core

The Genji Gloves are arguably the easiest piece of Genji equipment to obtain. To find them, you must open M9-6-4, where you will open a specific treasure chest.

Simply locate the treasure chest and open it to receive the Genji Gloves. The Genji Gloves will grant you 99,999 damage limit, as well as a Critical Effect.

How to Get the Genji Shield in Crisis Core

The Genji Shield can be quite tricky to obtain. To earn this item, you must first unlock the Magic Pot through mission 10-2-3. After doing so, you’ll want to head to the mission titled M-7-6-6, where you will be searching for a random encounter with a Magic Pot. This is quite rare, so it might take some time to appear at first.

When it finally does, you will need to follow the following steps to meet its requirements and earn its rewards.

Use Gil Toss. (You can obtain this after completing the mission labeled M4-4-4)
Use Costly Punch. (Found in mission M9-5-4, or M9-5-1 by using Steal on enemies)
Deal a 99,999 Damage Attack. (Very useful to earn Genji Gloves beforehand and utilize these alongside Brutal to deal this damage consistently)
Use Octaslash. (You can help your chances of this by obtaining the Octaslash Materia from the Research Department QMC +, which will boost the likelihood of Octaslash)

After performing the moves listed above, you will be met with the Genji Shield! The Genji Shield will grant you many different abilities, such as Auto Wall, which is a permanent Barrier and MBarrier. Additionally, an ability that prevents all status effects is added with the Genji Shield, as well as the ability to absorb amounts of HP from Fire, Lighting, and Ice elemental attacks.

Where to Get the Genji Helm

The Genji Helm is acquired through a simple purchase, though it might take you a while to gather the funds. To purchase this Genji item, you must gather 1,000,000 Gil. The Helm is available for purchase in the Net Shop Shade, which is obtained by completing the mission titled M9-5-4.

This Genji item has great effects for MP and AP. By equipping the Genji Helm, your MP and AP moves will cost 0 every time. Additionally, Libra will always be active.