WASHINGTON — A groundbreaking new study confirmed that over half of all automobile accidents are caused by drivers trying to skip a commercial break in a podcast they’re listening to.
“We knew it was a problem, but we had no idea it was this bad,” said Dr. Ramon Riveria, the scientist that led the study. “People will readily risk their safety and wellbeing at the prospect of enduring just 30 seconds of their favorite broadcasters talking about meal prepping services or vitamins or whatever else. And these are just regular ad reads I’m talking about. If a show cuts to a full blown produced commercial, we’ve discovered that a lot of drivers are liable to just jerk the wheel into a tree or whatever’s around.”
Podcasters were shocked to hear about the study’s findings.
“I get that no one likes advertisements,” said Joseph Greene, a co-host of the You Call That Lunch!? podcast. “But it really does help keep our show going, and we try to make them as inoffensive as possible. Just a quick little ad read and we’re on our way. I mean, we accept ads as a part of TV shows and internet videos, why are people getting into high speed accidents on the freeway because they can’t handle an ad in a podcast?”
As of press time, the study confirmed that a majority of the other 40% of car crashes are a result of the popular “crash your car,” trend that’s currently sweeping TikTok.
MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Princess Peach continues to defend the controversial installation of lava tiles around the Mushroom Kingdom intended to deter loitering, sources have confirmed.
“I understand that using lava seems a little harsh,” said the Princess, addressing villagers from her castle earlier today. “But it’s meant to deter, not injure. Maybe you should think of it as tough love. Have you ever really paid attention to a Goomba or a Koopa Troopa? They will pace for hours if left to their own devices, and frankly, it’s a harmful element to our tourism industry.”
While some supported putting lava all over the place, others have claimed it is merely the latest act of violence against the Mushroom Kingdom’s working class.
“These [Goombas and Koopa Troopas] have nowhere to go and we’re punishing them for it,” cried a local villager that was at the gathering outside of Peach’s castle . “ I mean, lava, really?! Do you think Chargin’ Chuck wants to hang out in the same spot all day? No, he’d love to still have a football stadium, but the only sports this snobby kingdom cares about anymore are Golf and Tennis. Hoity toity bullshit for a bunch of spoiled elites. This kingdom turned its back on the athletes, plumbers, and uh, treasure trackers that made this place what it was a long time ago. It’s really too bad.”
Others have defended the act, claiming the use of lava isn’t as severe as it seems.
“I get it, it sounds pretty hardcore and people are upset,” said Dave, a Goomba in town that has nothing but good things to say about the ruling class. “But it also keeps the village warm at night, so that’s actually kind of nice. Also, there’s lava all over the place out here. Have you ever been inside of Bowser’s Castle? You’ll think I’m lying, but lava comes out of the freakin’ pipes over there. So there’s a couple lava puddles here and there, big whoop. Most of us will be dead in a few days anyway.”
As of press time, Princess Peach also introduced her newest Director of Public Safety, a man in a cloud simply known as Lakitu.
WASHINGTON — After congressman Kevin McCarthy lost the first vote for Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, the Republican Party united around a consensus candidate: the Omen demigod Mohg, Lord of Blood.
“We just feel that an establishment guy like McCarthy doesn’t reflect the future of the Republican Party, whereas Mohg is exactly what we’re looking for,” said Rep. Matt Gaetz of Florida. “Nobody combines so many different skillsets that we value: vomiting accursed blood, for one, but also torturing those who stand in the way of his power — that’s a huge one, too.”
Even previous supporters of McCarthy came on board, once they learned that Mohg stood for all the same things.
“I wasn’t sure at first, but then I learned that Mohg is committed to maintaining American values, protecting religious freedoms, saving unborn babies from the Democrats’ sick pro-abortion agenda, and embracing accursed Omen blood to be able to wield bloodflame magic,” said Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia. “What else could we ask for?”
Despite Mohg’s extreme stances, moderate Republicans agreed to support him as Speaker, citing their shared fiscal agenda.
“Mohg is no saint, and certainly I disagree with him in some key areas. For instance, I don’t think we should harvest human beings en masse, using their blood to resurrect Mohg’s half-brother Miquella. It’s just not smart policy,” said moderate Republican congressman Josh Gottheimer. “But hey, as long as we cut Medicaid, I’m willing to get on board.”
At press time, Democratic minority leader Hakeem Jeffries had just read out a statement condemning the election of Mohg.
“Welp, that sucks,” said Jeffries, in part. “Not really much we can do about it, though. Just sucks. Damn.”
Genshin Impact‘s 3.4 update is right around the corner, which is set to bring Alhaitham as a 5-star character and Yaoyao as a 4-star character. As is tradition, the complete list of the new features will be announced via the 3.4 livestream, which is scheduled to broadcast in the next few days. With that said, here’s everything you need to know about the Genshin Impact 3.4 livestream date and how to watch it.
Genshin Impact 3.4 Livestream Date and Time
Following the previous patterns, Genshin Impact 3.4 livestream is expected to go live on Friday, January 6, 2023, at 07:00 AM (UTC-5).
In other timezones, the Genshin Impact 3.4 livestream time is:
UK: 12 pm (GMT)
Europe: 1 pm (CET)
East Coast US: 7 am (EST)
West Coast US: 4 am (PST)
However, it’s worth noting that HoYoverse hasn’t officially confirmed the schedule, and the aforementioned date and time are based on speculation and past livestreams. We’ll update this article once we have any official confirmation from the developers.
How To Watch Genshin Impact 3.4 Livestream
Fans can watch the 3.4 livestream in English on Genshin Impact’s official Twitch channel. On the other hand, Chinese players will want to head to the game’s official Bilibili account. The stream is set to take place for both languages at the same time.
If you can’t catch the livestream, you can watch the rebroadcast via YouTube premiere on Genshin Impact’s official channel to get an overview of the 3.4 update’s content.
What To Expect From Genshin Impact 3.4 Livestream
Based on the official confirmations and leaks, fans can expect the following additions in the 3.4 update:
New characters: HoYoverse has confirmed the arrival of two new characters for Version 3.4: Yaoyao and Alhaitham.
Character Banners: As per leaks, the first phase of the 3.4 version will feature Alhaitham’s, Xiao’s, and Yaoyao’s banners. At the same time, the second phase will feature Hu Tao’s and Yelan’s banners.
New Weapon: According to Twitter leaker @sipsipsquad, Version 3.4 could bring a new 5-star weapon called Light of Foliar Sanction.
New Area: Sumeru Desert’s expansion, called the Desert of Hamdramaveth, may arrive in the next update.
New Enemies: Setekh Wenut may be introduced as a Normal Boss in the 3.4 version.
New Events: Lantern Rite, Onikabuto event, Warrior’s Spirit, and Second Blooming
The pre-season for Season 13 of League of Legends began on October 4, 2022, which gave players plenty of time to get acclimated with the changes to Riot Games’ hit MOBA immediately following the conclusion of Season 12. After a handful of patches across the past few months, League of Legends will officially enter Season 13 with Patch 13.1 on January 11, 2023. Because we already covered the adjustments being made to LoL in 13.1, let’s take a look at what players can expect when they load onto Summoner’s Rift in the new season.
LoL Season 13 Release Date & Ranked Rewards
Unlike previous League of Legends seasons, Season 13 will be divided into splits, which will see players’ ranks to reset. End-of-season awards like Victorious skins and regalia-like ranked icons are still in play, but for split 1 of Season 13, players will be able to earn additional rewards through split points: 150 points – Victorious Maokai Icon
250 points – Victorius Maokai Emotes
500 points – Maokai Permanent
750 points – Eternals Capsule
League of Legends Season 13 Jax Rework
No matter what statistics can tell you, it’s difficult to see how a reworked, augmented, or updated champion is going to perform without some test runs. As a result, the top lane (and at times, the jungle, too) will be absolutely swarming with Jax players.
Any time a champion is reworked in any capacity, its play rate tends to rise as players new to the champion test out the new digs and oldheads make adjustments to a reliable pick. Jax has been popular since his release due to his late game hyperscaling and colorful personality, and has long been a favorite for many a pro top laner for the past decade. Whether his update results in him being better or worse will take a bit of time to deduce, so expect to see the Grandmaster at Arms on Summoner’s Rift far more frequently than in recent patches on 13.1.
Season 13 Meta: League of Jak’Sho
The League of Legends pre-season is important for getting players acclimated with the changes to the game, but it’s also important for Riot’s balance team to gather data and feedback from the playerbase about the healthiness of the current game state. The return of Rod of Ages has put champions like Swain into the stratosphere this pre-season, but the item – as well as its fellow Catalyst of Aeons building partner Abyssal Mask – is getting tweaked in 13.1.
What isn’t getting touched in the new patch, however, is Jak’Sho, the Protean.
Intended as a tank item in its design, Jak’Sho’s power on Summoner’s Rift have led to many players innovating by building it on damage-focused melee champions to great success because of the utility the item offers. Some players in high-level South Korean solo queue are even building the item on Ezreal – not a melee champion at all, let alone a tank.
Surprisingly, Jak’Sho has been left untouched in Patch 13.1, so unless last minute changes are announced to the item, expect to see its 70% pre-season build rate not to change all that much come January 11.
Fortnite’s v23.10 hotfix just released today, with Epic Games introducing the new Guardian Shield protective in-game item, reminiscent of Reinhardt’s projected shield from the Overwatch series. The Guardian Shield follows many new weapon additions to Chapter 4 Season 1, including the re-introduction of the Heavy Shotgun, and features as one of the current Fortnite weekly challenges. Here’s all of the possible locations and how to use Fortnite‘s new item, the Guardian Shield.
Where to Find the Guardian Shield in Fortnite
Image via Fortnite.gg
The Guardian Shield can be found by opening and looting Oathbound Chests littered across the map, with the majority of them being found on the western side. Players looking to complete the weekly challenge quickly should drop near the Citadel or Shattered Slabs for a good chance of getting the Shield from one of the many nearby chests. Alternatively, the item can simply be looted from another player once they’ve been eliminated.
How to Use the Guardian Shield
Image via @HYPEX on Twitter
It’s first important to note that the Guardian Shield can only be used for a certain length of time before it runs out of juice, leaving you with a very fancy-looking but useless plate. To hold the Shield, you can hold down the fire button which will project a barrier in front of you, blocking incoming damage and continually using up the % of energy in the item. Players can also move with the shield in this mode, making for some solid defensive plays.
However, if you’re pinned down and need to focus on healing or other things, then you can throw the shield down to the ground, leaving a wall up to regroup behind. You can pick the Guardian Shield back up by approaching it and checking the center.
If you struggled to beat Pokemon Scarlet and Violet’s Cinderace Tera Raid, you’re not alone! But don’t worry, if you weren’t able to beat the Raid the first time around, Cinderace will be returning on January 13th, so you’ve got plenty of time to prepare for round 2. That’s why we’ve got you covered with a guide to solo the Cinderace raid with this Slowbro build – bulking out its massive stats to demolish any Cinderace raid, all without needing to find a good group.
Where to Find Slowbro in Pokemon Scarlet & Violet
Where you can find Slowbro.
Slowbro can be found at Lake Casseroya in the northwestern area of the map, usually surrounded by Slowpoke. Both the Slowbro and Slowpoke found here are above Level 50, so catching a Slowpoke and evolving it works just as well.
You’ll be looking for a Slowbro with a Modest nature, to boost its Special Attack. But, if you would rather not spend your day repeatedly catching Slowbro, you can always just buy a Modest Mint from Chansey Supply to change its nature.
Setting up your Slowbro Cinderace Build Stats
The Hyper Trainer in Montenevera
Now you have your Slowbro, it’s time to get it ready for the raid. You’ll need to EV train your Slowbro, maxing out its Defence and Special Attack. Head to Chansey Supply and buy yourself:
26 Iron
26 Calcium
1 HP Up
If you don’t have the cash to spend on all these, you can alternatively buy some Power items from Delibird Presents and EV train the old fashioned way.
Next you’ll need to max your Slowbro’s IVs. You’ll need 3 Bottle Caps, which can be bought from Delibird Presents if you don’t already have them. Head over to Montenevera and run north of the Pokémon Center, where you’ll find an NPC with an Abomasnow. Talk to him and use your 3 Bottle Caps to max out your Slowbro’s HP, Defence, and Special Attack IVs.
Last of all, make sure to train your Slowbro up to Level 100 either by battling or using XP Candies.
Pokemon Scarlet & Violet Slowbro Cinderace Build: Moveset and Strategy
Iron Defense, Nasty Plot and Stored Power are all a must
The strategy with Slowbro is centered around buffing up some of its stats in the battle, before using Stored Power to deal a massive blow to Cinderace. There are only 3 specific moves you need for this strategy, so the moveset you’ll want to have on your Slowbro is:
Stored Power
Iron Defense
Nasty Plot
(Any Move)
Each of these moves can only be taught to Slowbro through TMs, so if you haven’t got them yet, you’ll need to find them or craft them.
As for held items, you can use either a Twisted Spoon to boost Psychic damage, or a Life Orb. The Life Orb will do more damage, but either one works so just use what you have!
The strategy for the fight is simple:
Use Iron Defense 3 times to max out your Defense
Use Nasty Plot 3 times to max out your Special Attack
Use 1 ‘Go All Out’ Cheer
Use Stored Power
If you’ve managed to get your Stored Power off before Cinderace puts its shield up, you should have a 1-hit KO. And that’s all it takes to solo Cinderace with a Slowbro! Want to try a different Pokemon? Check out our Cinderace Tera Raid Annihilape build!
Even in the interim of Cinderace’s dual weekend appearance, Pokemon Scarlet and Violet’s Tera Raid battles are heating up as Hydreigon and Dragapult are due to arrive this coming weekend. Players will be able to get their hands on two of the most powerful dragon types from the 5th and 8th generations, respectively, but which of the two they can catch will depend on what version of the game they have.
Over those two days, the pseudo-legendaries will appear in 4 and 5-star raids across the Paldea region. It’s important to remember that the 5-star raids will only be available to players who’ve beaten the 3 branches of the main story in Scarlet and Violet first.
Hydreigon and Dragapult Tera Raid Event Start Time, Tera Types
The Hydreigon and Dragapult Tera Raid event start and end dates and times are as follows:
Starting time – January 6, at 4:00 PM PT
Ending time – January 8, at 3:59 PM PT
All Tera types will be available for both Pokemon, which leaves players with multiple chances to snag some exciting combinations, as the two late-game dragons will already be highly sought after for their competitive play potential.
You can also use this event to find hidden abilities, meaning Dragapult may have the ability Cursed Body. Do multiple raids to find the Tera type and ability you want for your ultimate dragon!
Pokemon Scarlet & Violet: Hydreigon & Dragapult Raid Version Exclusivity
The most important information to note for this upcoming Tera Raid Event is that each of the two Pokemon will be exclusive to just one version of the game. Hydreigon will be exclusive to Scarlet, while Dragapult will appear in Violet only. Use your Nintendo Switch friends list and online resources to find allies to get the dragon of the opposite version!
NEW YORK — Following years of fan outcry for a new model of their immensely popular Switch hardware, Nintendo has revealed a cheaper, sleeker, much worse version of their console, tentatively called the Switch Minus.
“We think you’ll agree the Switch Minus has absolutely none of the features players have been asking for,” said Doug Bowser, president of Nintendo of America. “It’s gonna be a little worse in every conceivable way. We’re bumping the resolution down to 480p, and we were able to lock most games in at 20fps. We think this, coupled with the confusing button layout and even more esoteric online gameplay than we usually offer, makes this a steal at just 200 bucks.”
“There are some issues, but please keep in mind that it can play every single game available on the Switch,” he added. “Technically.”
Nintendo fans were underwhelmed and aggravated at the announcement.
“Ok, so let me be clear here,” said Will Applegate, a Nintendo fan that was hoping they’d announce something, anything else. “With everything in the world that they could be doing, Nintendo is putting out something that’s out of step with their current competition instead of releasing an obvious home run like a Switch Pro or Metroid Prime 4? Okay, yeah, that sounds about right. Let me guess, they need me to pay for Super Mario Bros. 3 again too, right?”
In addition to weaker performance in every measurable metric, the Nintendo Switch Minus also boasts some innovative features never before seen or asked for in gaming.
“Wow, that sucker got hot in like 30 seconds,” said Kelly Carter, a local gamer testing a Switch Minus at a promotional rooftop party held by Nintendo. “And the back got sticky? I don’t know what the hell happened, but as it heated up it actually got harder to put down. Also, why are the buttons all in such weird places? This is a disaster and easily the fourth or fifth worst piece of hardware Nintendo’s ever released. God damn.”
As of press time, Nintendo confirmed the Switch Minus would solve the problems with Joy-Con drift that plagued previous models of the Switch by doing away with the analog sticks completely.
MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Princess Peach was reportedly shocked to discover that plumber Mario Mario invoiced her for 100 hours of work after rescuing her, according to those familiar with the situation.
“Let’s-a-see… pipe damage, hopping over-a enemies, dodging balls of fire, defeating-a evil lizard named Bowser… let’s call it 100 hours of a-labor and a couple extra a-thousand bucks for parts, okiedokie? Let’s-a-go!” said Mario to the confused princess. “Thank you for a-working with Mario and Luigi Plumbing Services. Please-a give us 5 stars on Yelp. Okay!”
According to sources close to the royal family, Princess Peach did not expect to receive any invoice at all.
“When I asked Mario to save me from Bowser, I didn’t think I was hiring him for a job. It feels a little sketchy to just send me an invoice, even though we never talked about it,” Peach explained. “Not to mention, I have no way of knowing how many hours it actually took him to complete the job. 100 feels like a lot. And I didn’t ask him to fix any pipes or bring along his brother Luigi, but it looks like I’m paying for that too. Hell, I’m even getting charged for a bunch of bridges they destroyed by jumping on an ax. Did I really need new bridges? I don’t know what that’s all about.”
Despite the princess’ concerns, many in the Mushroom Kingdom disagree with her complaints.
“Come on, duuuuudes. You gotta pay people for the work they do!” screeched a local toad named Toad. “The princess is extremely wealthy. I mean I don’t even know how much money to say she has, dude. That big blue jewel she wears on her dress was stolen from one of the Mushroom Kingdom’s many colonies. She paid for it in blood, dude! So she can’t pay a plumber or two or for literally rescuing her from a foreign castle? Makes me sick.”
At press time, instead of paying the Mario Bros. the money they invoiced her for, Princess Peach opted to simply imprison them for the time Mario dropped a baby penguin off a cliff.
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