Which Classic Water Level Will Your City Most Resemble After Climate Change?

Posted on by Patrick Greeley

Things are not looking great in terms of climate change. Permafrost is thawing, the water level is rising, and the consensus solution seems to be that we should all watch more movies that are vaguely critical of The Rich. But as our cities are submerged, maybe what we really need is a change of perspective! The world isn’t ending: It’s becoming a water level.

We all remember water levels for their disorienting design, clunky game mechanics, and generally exasperating nature. But if we squint really hard, maybe we can force ourselves to see that these stages actually presented an exciting new challenge and a refreshing change of pace, without which the games would become stale. You don’t want life to become stale, do you? With that in mind, let’s take a look at some of the water levels of yesterday to see what the cities of tomorrow might look like.

 

New York – Clanker’s Cavern (Banjo Kazooie)

Everyone looks like this if you stay on Staten Island long enough,

The use of the word “cavern” in the name of this level is odd because frankly,  Clanker lives in a sewer. The water is filthy and the pipes are crawling with pests. It’s one of the more trying levels in the game but, like they say: if you can make it there you can make it anywhere.

New York’s famously polluted East River has improved in recent years but still remains tainted by chemicals, pesticides, and general runoff. What’s more, Brooklyn boasts two toxic waste sites of its own: the Gowanus Canal and Newtown Creek. It’s not hard to imagine a situation where rising seas and changing weather patterns produce the kind of flooding that blurs the lines between streets and sewers. And if that happens: fuck it, why not build a giant mechanical shark?

 

Boston – Water Temple (Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time)

The first time Quincy Market was cleaned since it was founded,

The Water Temple, from the first 3D Zelda title, is a noted pain in the ass. Getting around involves collecting keys, moving around large blocks, and traversing underwater passageways. It is infamously hard to navigate, making it a fitting comparison to Boston, Massachusetts.

Beantown (as it is inexplicably known) is a  maze of streets meandering nonsensically into one another, in tribute to their origins as colonial era cow paths. When combined with a class of drivers who prize aggression above all else, Boston can be exhausting to traverse. The addition of several feet of seawater is not likely to change this. In addition, you need specific clothing to safely traverse the Water Temple (iron boots and Zora tunic to aid in underwater exploration), much like in Boston (Red Sox hat and Patriots jersey to avoid getting jumped at Dunks).

 

San Francisco – Wet Dry World (Mario 64)

You bet your ass tourists will still be throwing up peace signs,

The land of innovation! Modern San Francisco has shed its Summer Of Love image for a sleeker, more modern vision based around Silicon Valley: a tech hub with massive wealth stratification that simply will not do anything to solve its housing crisis. Likewise, in Wet Dry World, advanced technological solutions have resulted in water levels that can be raised and lowered by needlessly complex mechanisms only accessible to the ruling class (associates of certain princesses). Low lying areas are often fully submerged while high altitude areas with heavy zoning restrictions remain conspicuously dry.

 

London – Winter Tundra (Spyro 2)

London wishes it was this cozy,

What a twist! Contrary to popular belief, climate change isn’t solely about rising temperatures and a scarcity of white Christmases. Changing global temperatures will have a significant effect on all manner of other natural phenomena, including ocean currents. This includes the Gulf Stream which provides the British Isles with a fairly temperate climate relative to their northerly location. In the event of the current shifting, we could see UK weather patterns more in line with the upper limits of Canada’s Quebec province, which falls on a similar latitude. If you want to see the future: imagine snow piling up in front of a kebab shop forever. Winter Tundra, with its snowy landscape, medieval castle, and flocks of penguins offers us a glimpse of the London of 2050! 

 

Florida (The Whole Thing) – Legend Of Zelda: The Wind Waker (The Whole Thing)

Pictured: Last Floridian desperately trying to conduct their favorite Kid Rock single.

Look, guys, Florida’s gone. Eight of the top ten US cities projected to be flooded by climate change are in Florida. The state is surrounded by coastlines, battered by storms, and barely above sea level as is. The most we can really hope for after climate change is an archipelago of islands and partially-submerged retirement communities populated mainly by pirates.

Enter The Wind Waker! The first Zelda title for GameCube is centered around exploring the handful of islands and shipwrecks in the great sea above a sunken kingdom. As you gaze out across the barely visible rooftops of a submerged Magic Kingdom, there will be little to indicate who once lived here, or how angry they were about critical race theory. Still no word on the Hero Of Time who will be able to restore Miami-Dade to its former glory.

Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales Is Perfect If You Love Card Games, RPG Decision-Making or The Abject Horrors Of War

Posted on by Brad Waters

Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales released in 2018, only a few short years after CD Projekt Red’s seminal work: The Witcher 3, and supposedly underwhelmed massively in sales. And why was this? Perhaps it was the somewhat awkward title! Perhaps it was poor marketing! Perhaps it was the game’s fundamental premise being somewhat alienating, turning most players off from the start.

But one thing I can certainly say it was not — was the quality. Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales is an excellent game. An elegantly written masterclass in the choice-and-consequence gameplay you can expect of only the best Western RPGS, paired with the satisfying, expressive deckbuilding of this generation’s best single-player card games, think Slay The Spire, or more accurately (and more obscurely) some of Hearthstone’s better single-player offerings.

https://gamerdepereenfils.fr/2018/11/11/thronebreaker-the-witcher-tales/

The card game you’ll be playing throughout Thronebreaker’s campaign is of course — Gwent, the beloved but oft-shirked minigame from Witcher 3 that was so lauded for its fun and depth that it eventually just became its own online collectible card game full stop. This is not a roguelike a la the aforementioned Slay The Spire, nor a competitive online game like Hearthstone — this is a rich, complex and fully-voiced RPG where the game of Gwent is frequently used to frame large battles and conflicts that take place in the narrative.

Perhaps the thought of a story-driven card game RPG makes you skeptical? You needn’t be. Stop questioning things and let yourself have fun! Do some weird shit every now and then. Say “you too” when the delivery guy tells you to enjoy your food, play the card game RPG. Thronebreaker does an exemplary job of explaining Gwent and making it make sense to you even if (like me) you never actually indulged in it in The Witcher 3, but more crucially — it makes you care about these games of Gwent with compelling storytelling from start to finish.

https://in.ign.com/pc/128448/gallery/see-the-first-screenshots-of-thronebreaker-the-witcher-tales?p=1

In Thronebreaker you take on the role of Meve, Queen of Lyria & Rivia who is thrust into the midst of a raging war for her country due to a devastating betrayal — a betrayal that, sadly, is only the first of many to come as you, the player will soon experience. (Seriously, there’s a heel turn a little over half-way into this game that genuinely had my jaw drop a little bit in the cutscene it occurred, I was that blindsided by it. Brilliant storytelling.) I’m gonna say it, Meve is a much cooler main character than Geralt. She has a far greater range of emotions, more compelling motivations — and I think goes through a lot more in this game than Geralt does (in Witcher 3 at the very least)! Also she’s not American!

Perhaps I’m as attached to Meve as I am because of how well and truly in her shoes this game put me. Thronebreaker is built upon the tough narrative decisions it forces upon you as much as it is its core Gwent battles. Frequently in the overworld outside of the card games, you’re encountering NPCs and having to make tough decisions relating to them, decisions that will come back around later on in the story, often hours later. They always do. A good few of those NPCs will become powerful allies who join your army — and as members of your army that means they become cards in your deck, often very powerful ones! However, as is the push/pull nature of Thronebreaker, this also means they can leave your army and you can lose that card from your deck forever should you make decisions that raise their ire, or in one case — end up deciding to forcibly exile them yourself.

Do you order your soldiers to keep marching in spite of their exhaustion for a tactical advantage on the enemy army you’re pursuing? How do you handle the dispute between a small, rustic village and the elf they’re accusing of a crime on fairly flimsy evidence? What do you do about the dragon? These are the questions Thronebreaker poses to you, and there is rarely ever a right or a wrong answer, just the one you choose. (I won’t spoil it but there’s a decision relating to a dragon in this game that is hard man. I can’t remember ever taking that long to make a decision in a game. I just sat there looking at the text box for like 5 minutes.)

Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales deserves a lot better. That better is you. As a good person, it is your duty to play this game so that the incredibly skilled artists and devs can have their work appreciated.

https://www.gameplanet.co.nz/pc/galleries/g5be20c20b8823/Thronebreaker-The-Witcher-Tales-Review/image3735242/

I would recommend Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales to you if:

  • You loved The Witcher 3 and want more from that universe without having to play one of its clunky predecessors or read a book.
  • You didn’t play The Witcher 3 and just wanna play a fun card game with a kick-ass story and characters that totally stands on its own. (Because you don’t need to have any knowledge of The Witcher games or books to understand and enjoy this.)
  • You hate the French and love the English. Or you hate them both and just wanna see armies vaguely analogous to both countries beat the piss out of each other. In which case, fair enough.

I would not recommend Thronebreaker: The Witcher Tales to you if:

  • You never know what to order at a restaurant. This game will make you explode.

Thronebreaker is available on Switch, PS4, Xbox One, PC, & Mobile.

Are You A Magic the Gathering Player Who Hates Magic the Gathering Players? Slay the Spire is Perfect for You

Posted on by Jacob VanGundy

Magic: The Gathering is a fantastic trading card game. With three decades of history, there are thousands of cards to piece together in deck building. Across the game’s various formats, much of Magic’s joy comes from piecing together synergy between cards to make a unique deck, then playing it several times to see how it works out in actual games. Unfortunately, that last step brings in Magic’s greatest weakness: Magic players. 

To be clear, there are plenty of wonderful people who play Magic, but anyone who frequents Friday Night Magic events knows that there’s also a multitude of players out there waiting to make your fun card game miserable. There’s the player who uses cards that cost more than your entire collection to win before you get to play. There’s the guy who counters every card you play. There’s the guy who whines when you counter every card he plays. The loud player. The slow player. It seems there are as many types of annoying Magic players as there are Magic cards. 

Magic: The Gathering Arena, the online version of the game, mitigates some of these problems, but still forces you to interact with your fellow Magic players. You’ll still have to deal with power gamers playing identical “meta” decks. Players will also still find ways to annoy you with vaguely toxic emotes and taking as long as the game allows on every turn. Fortunately, video games like Slay the Spire exist to fill the deck-building hole in your heart without any human interaction at all!

Slay the Spire has a simple story: a handful of individual explorers are trying to climb the eponymous spire, to destroy its (literal) heart. Much like in Magic, this story can be ignored entirely, but there are plenty of fun little side characters and lore bits to latch onto along the way. In both cases, the narrative is just background for a robust card game.

There are four playable characters to choose from, each with a unique pool of cards and a distinct play style. These characters are similar to Magic’s five-color system. The character you choose points you towards a general strategy but there are numerous deck “archetypes” that exist for any given character. The Silent, a skull-masked huntress, might have a deck built around playing dozens of free damage cards in a turn, or it might be built around poisoning and debuffing enemies into the ground.

After every battle you can pick one of three cards to add to your deck, allowing you to slowly customize your deck. It’s a bit like draft in Magic, forcing you to adjust your deck-building strategy to the choices you end up with. There are also shops and events that will allow you to add new cards, upgrade your cards, and remove cards from your deck along the way. 

Adding to the complexity there are also artifacts: powerful permanent upgrades. A successful build isn’t just a powerful deck with lots of synergy between cards, there also needs to be synergy between artifacts and the deck as a whole. This makes every choice along the way impactful. 

Slay the Spire is also a roguelike, meaning it’s designed to be replayed multiple times. This gives you the opportunity to build lots of decks and experiment with different strategies. As you progress more cards and artifacts are added to the pool, keeping things fresh even if you’re not jumping between characters. If you’re the sort of Magic player who’s constantly fighting the urge to build new decks, Slay the Spire gives you an excuse to lean into that impulse. 

Slay the Spire takes the thrill of deckbuilding and gives you AI opponents to play against. It’s strategically deep, addictive, and rewards experimentation. If you need a break from That One Guy at your local game store, you can spend your Friday night with Slay the Spire instead.

Slay the Spire might be for you if: 

  • You love deckbuilding
  • You’re fine with a story-lite experience
  • You like thoughtful turn-based combat

It might not be for you if: 

  • You stick to one deck or strategy
  • You primarily like the social element of TCGs

Slay the Spire is available on PC, mobile, Switch, PS4, and Xbox One.

‘Magic the Gathering’ Player Gets to End of Article Before Realizing It’s About Marjorie Taylor Greene

Posted on by Jacob VanGundy

DES MOINES, Iowa — A local Magic the Gathering player reported feeling tricked after reading an entire article about Republican Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene due to a shared abbreviation between the representative and the card game.

“I think the title was intentionally misleading,” said Cyrille Ryder, 28, who has played the game daily since childhood. “The article was just called ‘The Problem With MTG’ — what was I supposed to think? It’s the exact same abbreviation, and people are always writing about Magic the Gathering’s problems. Of course, I love complaining about things I love, so I clicked on the article and started reading.”

Ryder’s confusion didn’t end there, however, as much of the article seemed strangely applicable to the collectible card game.

“The article was all about how MTG was seeing a lot of popularity and bringing in record money despite constant controversies,” Ryder claimed. “All pretty standard complaints about the game. I was really interested when it started talking about green’s power creep. Or Greene being a powerful creep. Something like that. Whatever it said, I agreed as a red player.”

Cyrille Ryder felt like he had been duped when he finished the article and realized what it was actually about.

“I realized something was off later in the article when the journalist brought up MTG setting women back. That confused me, since personally I’ve never actually met a woman playing Magic the Gathering,” Ryder confessed. “When the article finally stated it was written about some congresswoman, I realized what had happened. I still don’t know who this Greene lady is, but she sounds pretty awful. I can’t imagine she has enough of a following to do any damage. Unlike green power creep, which has to be stopped.” 

While the congresswoman could not be reached for comment, her office reiterated her stance that all card games are “Satanic and un-American.”

FromSoftware Announces Next CEO Will Be Two Junior Managers With a Lot of Health

Posted on by Hunter R. Thompson

TOKYO — FromSoftware announced today that upon current CEO Hidetaka Miyazaki’s eventual retirement, the company will avoid appointing a new executive, and will just put two semi-threatening junior managers in the head office with a bunch of extra health instead.

“While Miyazaki has no plans to depart yet, we invite our Chosen Employed to look towards the future challenges that await them,” FromSoftware’s HR department explained, in an internal memo made up of a few cryptic sentences that somehow reveal too much and too little at the same time. “Ready yourselves, for Manager (Pantsuit) and Manager (Suspenders) will await you in the #EXECUTIVEROOM.”

Following the announcement, Miyazaki was asked — possibly rhetorically — if he honestly thought anyone would approve of this decision.

“Promoting these two managers, instead of training a unique and memorable CEO, saves time and money that could be better spent on decor and utilities,” Miyazaki said, indicating elaborate bas-reliefs and awkward one-way doors throughout the company’s headquarters. “If they enjoyed sucking up to managers dozens of times throughout their career, they’ll love the challenge of tougher, harder-to-avoid managers! Trust me, ‘two juiced-up normal employees in a senior office’ is second only to ‘hallways with knee-deep poison sludge’ when it comes to making our staff motivated.”

However, employees who received advance notice about the managerial duo-boss are frustrated by what they see as a low-effort encounter.

“Dealing with Miyazaki-sama is a challenge, sure, but it’s a fair and satisfying challenge that has me looking forward to my performance reviews,” FromSoftware junior concept artist Sachihito Yamada complained on a company message board. “Beyond the laziness of reusing perfectly good managers, how am I supposed to schmooze one boss when the other one’s behind me, winding up an attack I can’t even see? Great music, though, for some reason.”

For the sake of challenge, Miyazaki assured staff that Manager (Suspenders) would inflict Curse buildup, just to keep things interesting.

‘Mario Party’ Player Willing to Buy Star for Low Low Price of Never Talking to Their Friend Again

Posted on by Patrick Sullivan

MADISON, Wisc. — A local Mario Party game hit a boiling point today as local gamer Luke Cunningham accepted a trade offer to steal a star from his best friend Mark Kelley at the cost of never talking to him again.

“It wasn’t too hard of a decision to make,” said Cunningham, reflecting on the broken relationship with his best friend of 14 years. “Usually the Boo just asks for like 50 coins or something, but this time the pop-up said it would steal a star in exchange for ‘the bond you and the victim share.’ Which felt weird, but I mean, free star.”

It was only after Cunningham accepted the deal that the gravity of the situation was felt, as the lifelong friendship with Kelley changed and they became mortal enemies with a single ‘A’ press.

“I don’t know where this deep feeling of resentment came from, if I’m being honest,” said Kelley, visibly seething with anger. “Normally I’m a pretty chill guy I think, but when Luke took my star it was like some otherworldly force came over me and made me hate his fucking guts. Fuck that guy. That was my fucking star—” he added, and continued ranting for 20 uninterrupted minutes.

Cunningham noted that Mario Party had always exacted harsh prices, offering deals for stars in exchange for ‘your firstborn child’ or a ‘blood sacrifice.’

“One time I clutched out a pretty sick win by accepting a deal for a star in exchange for ‘a couple teeth,’” Kelley said, opening his mouth to show a pair of gaps. “I had to set them on the center of the Gamecube, and after that they kind of just fizzled out of existence. I didn’t care about losing them. I only cared about being the best Mario Party-er at any cost. Stars don’t come easy.”

As of press time, Cunningham had gone missing. He was last seen offering his ‘mortal soul’ for that windmill that gives you three stars in Mario Party 5.

Atomic Heart Best Weapons Guide: Best Upgrades & Weapons

Posted on by Tarun Sayal

Picking up the best weapons when exploring the sublime utopian world of Atomic Heart can drastically increase your winning odds. However, with a massive collection of weapons, it’s a time-consuming and daunting task to hand-pick the best Atomic Heart weapons. With that said, we’ll highlight some of the best Atomic Heart weapons to help you make an informed decision.

Best Atomic Heart Weapons – Swede

As one of the earliest weapons you can acquire in Atomic Heart, the Swede offers a unique melee option that remains viable throughout the game. While it may lack base damage, its impressive speed and charge damage make it a versatile one-handed weapon until you unlock the Pashtet.

According to the game developers, this fire axe was designed solely for that gruesome task, making it a brutal and effective choice for those who prioritize power over finesse. Whether you’re a fan of quick strikes or heavy-handed brutality, the Swede offers a reliable option to serve you well throughout your journey in Atomic Heart.

Electro

The Electro, which is one of the best weapons in Atomic Heart.

The Electro is a reliable weapon in Atomic Heart that comes as standard equipment for all Soviet cosmonauts. Although it may lack the raw firepower of heavy hitters like the Dominator, its precision and quickness make up for it.

One of the most significant advantages of the Electro is its ability to deal electric damage without the need for modification. This makes it particularly useful in combat against robots and other mechanical foes.

Overall, the Electro may only sometimes pack a punch, but its reliability and versatility make it an essential tool for any cosmonaut. Whether you’re battling robots or conserving ammunition, the Electro is a weapon that you can count on.

Best Atomic Heart Weapons – Fat Boy

The MARC, commonly known as Fat Boy, is a standard anti-tank grenade launcher that can be easily transformed into an MPADS by swapping out its ammo. This versatile weapon has replaced several other firearms in the Red Army’s arsenal, including the PTRS-41, VG-45, and RPG-2.

Despite its unconventional and non-ergonomic design, the Fat Boy has proven to be a convenient and highly effective Atomic Heart weapon. The Fat Boy’s ability to switch between anti-tank grenades and other ammunition types makes it a universal choice for various combat situations. On top of that, its accuracy and ease of use have made it a reliable weapon for soldiers. 

Overall, the Fat Boy is a perfect pick for killing the robots in abundance, but it’s essential to upgrade the weapon at the same time to maximize its potential.

Railgun

One of the most beloved ranged weapons in the game, Railgun, fires a charged burst of energy in a straight line, capable of inflicting damage on multiple enemies simultaneously. This powerful Energy gun can shoot through numerous targets with a single shot, making it an invaluable asset in combat.

This Energy weapon boasts impressive stats, with damage of 10 and a charging speed of 8. Its recoil control and decreased spread are rated at a perfect 10, making it incredibly easy to handle and ensuring accurate shots even during intense combat. 

However, its ergonomics score is on the lower side at 2, indicating that it may not be the most comfortable weapon to wield for extended periods. Overall, the weapon’s impressive firepower and accuracy, coupled with its energy ammo type, makes it one of the best weapons of Atomic Heart.

Best Atomic Heart Weapons – Zvezdochka

Zvezdochka is a heavy beast assembled from a driveshaft and circular saws. Its motor is mounted to the handle, which spins the sharp saw discs. Zvezdochka has the best damage and charged damage of any melee weapon in the game, making it one of the most powerful weapons of Atomic Heart.  

Although it has a slow charge speed, players can improve this stat with attachment upgrades. As a result, the Zvezdochka can be turned into a ranged weapon that shoots its blades as its alt fire.

Overall, the Zvezdochka is a formidable weapon in the world of Atomic Heart. For players looking to deal massive damage and take on even the toughest of enemies, the Zvezdochka is a must-have weapon.

That wraps up our detailed guide on the best weapons in Atomic Heart. Having trouble with the FOV in game? Check out our guide on how to fix the FOV issue and learn how to adjust your FOV for an immersive experience.

Here’s All The Biggest Complaints From Yesterday’s Nintendo Direct

Posted on by Kevin Flynn

Nintendo’s latest announcement live stream revealed a lot of exciting titles and add-ons, with longtime fans having legacy games and trailers to get pumped about as well as brand new series that could be surprise sleeper hits. But if you had to miss the stream, you may not know the laundry list of complaints and missed opportunities, so here are all the biggest complaints from yesterday’s Nintendo Direct.

Miyamoto Didn’t Even Say ‘Hi’

When starting the Direct, many fans were upset that Shigeru Miyamoto just launched right into news and reveals, without even greeting us all individually. Really kind of rude and unprofessional.

Doug Bowser Made Everyone Say Grace Before Showing Off the Next Game

Halting the natural flow of the live stream, Nintendo of America CEO Doug Bowser made people join hands in prayer to bless the upcoming game trailer.

Turns Out Mario Isn’t Real

Fuck. This one hurt.

Something Something Metroid Blah Blah Blah

Nintendo fans are contractually obligated to bitch and moan that any announcement gave no word on the next Metroid title

Crippling Loneliness Remains Unresolved

Even though Nintendo teased an entire slate of promising games and glossy remasterings of classic titles, our search for a partner to share our live with unfortunately marches on.

Somebody Said ‘This Is Gay’ in the Comments

Even though the game they were showing off was totally gay, this remark still seemed uncalled for.

Mommy Took Away My Switch Until I Get My Social Studies Grade Up

Nintendo boldly gave previews into all their fascinating games coming to the Switch library despite the fact that Mom took away my Switch until I get at least a C+ in Social Studies, even though Mrs. Breckenridge totally hates me.

We Were Really Hoping It Would Be a Rap

Despite years of campaigning and filibustering, Nintendo has still neglected to do the series of game reveals and news announcements in the form of a light yet catchy rap song.

It Was 95% JRPG’s Nobody Has Ever Heard Of

This is actually pretty standard at this point.

Just to Be Safe, Local Smash Bros Tournament Bans Anyone Named Steve

Posted on by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LINCOLN, Neb. — Shine On, You Crazy Diamond 2023, a local Super Smash Bros. Ultimate tournament has decided to ban anyone named Steve from competing next month, just in case.

“We want to make this tournament fair and fun for all competitors, and unfortunately, Steve is just a game-breaking character that we feel needs to be removed from competitive play. The problem, however, is that we don’t have a large enough staff to justify just banning Steve’s infinite combos or unfair techniques, so we are forced to ban the entire character. And that includes any players named Steve, as well,” explained tournament organizer Alec Cooper. “Whether they were planning on playing as Steve or any other character, we have no way of knowing if anyone named Steve will be using what we consider illegal techniques during games. As for anyone named Steven, Stephan, or Enderman, we will be making decisions on those name choices shortly. We hope to run as smooth a tournament as possible.”

Players entered into the tournament, like with all Smash Bros related news, were conflicted upon hearing the decision, and began several explosive arguments on various social media sites.

“Honestly, I’m really glad to hear this,” said one player, Paige Harper. “I saw some clips floating around online with Steve pulling off insane infinites and he looks totally busted. Just get rid of that shit. Not to mention, I’m pretty sure that guy who modded a Wii to cheat in Melee with Pichu all those years ago was named Steve, so it’s probably better safe than sorry to just get rid of them all.”

“This is such bullshit. I entered into this tournament and I’m playing fucking Pyra/Mythra, and now I can’t even enter?!” said banned competitor Steve Ward. “I’ve defended this community through sexual assault drama, stinky player drama, accusations of playing a ‘dead game,’ and more, and now I’m kicked out of the scene just because my first name happens to match that of a character from Minecraft. You know what? Leffen was right about this game. I’m not sure about what, but he seems really mad all the time, so I’m sure he was right about something. And no, I’m not adding a fucking N to the end of my name.”

“See this is why I just play Melee,” said Daniela Hancock. “It came out 22 years ago perfectly formed and never needed a single change. No notes. Except wobbling, planking, and Jigglypuff. Those all need to go.”

At press time, Shine On, You Crazy Diamond 2023 decided to unban the character several hours later after more tweets seemed to be trending towards supporting that argument. No decisions have been made about players named Steve, however.

Paul Rudd’s Family Begging Him to Stop Talking About What We Can Expect in Phase Five of the MCU

Posted on by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Immediate family members of Ant-Man star Paul Rudd have reportedly begged him to stop informing them all what they could expect from the next series of Marvel films, sources have confirmed. 

“Oh god stop it, just stop,” said Julie Yaeger, Rudd’s wife, after he went on this third unprompted monologue of the day about Kang and what his introduction means to the Marvel Cinematic Universe. “I thought he was annoying enough when his damn Chiefs won the Super Bowl again, but this is a hundred times worse. My husband used to be a cool, fun guy. I’d get excited when he’d come home or show up somewhere, but now I just know he’s just going to go on some long winded explanation of why it’s actually fine that this newest movie lacks the charm and premise of the first two and is mostly being used to prop up the next two years of bland movies. I miss my husband!” 

Members of Rudd’s community have echoed his wife’s sentiments. 

“When I first moved in next to [Paul Rudd], I thought it was going to be the coolest thing,” said Chuck Folden, who unknowingly bought the house next to Rudd last year. “It’s been absolute torture, if I’m being honest. The other day he brought over a piece of my mail he accidentally got and by the end he’d made me promise to watch Loki, Shang-Chi, and Ms. Marvel before I went to see his new movie. He’s just so likable, I don’t know how he got me to do that. I better avoid him for a while, I don’t want to watch all that shit!” 

President of Marvel Studios Kevin Feige recently admitted in an interview that perhaps Paul Rudd had been going a bit far with his promotion of Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania. 

“We were so excited to get Paul involved with the Avengers, for all of the obvious reasons,” he said in a recent interview with Entertainment Weekly. “However, we also understand that his enthusiasm has largely rubbed people the wrong way. His recent appearance on Jimmy Fallon was unhinged, and we don’t think his violence was at all warranted. Paul is just so passionate about these characters, you understand, and he didn’t like the way Jimmy was smiling at him as he talked about the dangers Kang posed to all of our favorite Marvel characters.” 

As of press time, Rudd had piled his family into the car under false pretenses, secretly taking them to their fourth screening of Ant-Man.