Alexmcmillan, Author at Hard Drive

Nintendo Glues Seven Lawyers Together to Sue Tears of the Kingdom Leakers

Posted on June 25, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

KYOTO, Japan — At least seven Nintendo attorneys have been stuck together with some form of epoxy in an unorthodox attempt to seek damages from individuals who leaked a highly-anticipated title before its release date, sources at the company confirmed.

“We can see here that the game was leaked onto the internet before May 12th,” said Zelda director Eiji Aonuma during a surprise Nintendo Direct, speaking over footage of the company’s legal department investigating the infringing streams. “For previous games, we might have tried to sue them with one lawyer. This time, they may live in far away or difficult-to-reach places, so it’s possible we’ll need to do something different. Here, let’s try sticking these attorneys together and see what happens.”

Nintendo of America counsel Daniel Wilkerson said that he was caught off guard by the company’s new strategy.

“I’m still not certain what happened, to be honest,” said Wilkerson, who had been elected the de facto spokesperson for the clumsy ball of limbs and briefcases. “Myself and another lawyer from the states had been called in to advise on the matter. I arrived at the meeting before my partner, but Mr. Aonuma was eager to begin. He asked if it would help to use more lawyers. I told him, ‘Sure, I just need to find my friend.’ That’s when the glue came out.”

Legendary game designer Shigeru Miyamoto said that he had been asked to weigh in on the matter, even though he has preferred a more hands-off approach in recent years.

“Aonuma-san wanted to know if I thought this was the right path forward for our mission to destroy unauthorized gameplay,” said Miyamoto. “I advised him that the most important thing is to ensure that the solution to this problem is satisfying and fun. He was far too concerned with the story of how we would catch the leakers. I made sure that all of that was cut and that he returned his focus to the mechanics of how we will ruin their lives.”

At press time, sources reported that the lawyers began shouting in panic as Aonuma approached the wriggling mass of suits with more glue and an armful of rockets.

Hard Drive Reviews: THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: TEARS OF THE KINGDOM

Posted on June 24, 2023 by Brad Waters

Reach for the sky and dry the tears from your eyes — because it’s the final edition of Hard Drive Reviews.

From Fudj, Fudj, Fudj and the rest of the team — we bid you adieu, with THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: TEARS OF THE KINGDOM.

Hard Drive Reviews is a review series in which we are attempting to review a game whilst also never once using the words “good,” “bad,” or any of either words’ countless synonyms. Should we make such a catastrophic mistake, a lifetime of shame shall befall our families and our children shall be cursed.

“Worst,” “worse,” “better” and other terms are relative terms by the way! And do not mean “good” or “bad” on their own and are thus fair game. Words with good or bad connotations do not equal words that mean good or bad.

Google Doodle Honors Quilt-Maker Who Inspired Female Cobblers to Fight for Representation in Malaysian Cinema 84 Years Ago

Posted on June 23, 2023 by Abe Messing

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — As is tradition with all major holidays and birthdays of particularly important historical figures, Google’s logo will be artistically modified temporarily in observance of Ginerva Napolitano, who is of course, the quilt-maker who inspired female cobblers to fight for representation in Malaysian cinema 84 years ago.

Napolitano’s legacy is so indelible in the hearts and minds of the American people, it’s difficult to imagine what Malaysian cinema even looked like before the cobblers started crafting those soft leather heels with ruby-red flourishes that everyone remembers so vividly. “Like anyone else, I took those references to female cobblers in my favorite Malaysian films ‘Leila Majnun’ and ‘Samarang’ for granted,” said Netflix user Edward Barkley.

Although it can be challenging to choose which historical figures are worthy of having their contributions honored on Google’s homepage, Google CEO Sundar Pichai made it clear that Napolitano was an exception.

“Sometimes people see Google Doodles and think ‘Who the fuck is this?’” admitted Pichi. “But with Napolitano, it’s safe to say all Google users will savor a moment of reflection about how lucky they are to have lived in a world enriched by her work.”

The original quilt responsible for inciting the famous ‘Bloodshed Riots’ which finally convinced Malaysian filmmakers to change their ways is the inspiration for the Google Doodle. Each of the letters in Google’s name will be ‘stitched’ together and accented with a brick red tint superimposed on a Malaysian flag.

“I couldn’t be happier with the artwork,” chirped Gemma Louise, who is employed as a cobbler. “Female cobblers, specifically those inspired by quilt-makers, have come such a long way in Malaysian cinema.”

At press time, internet users were excitedly playing the violent Google Doodle mini-game based on the American Civil War.

Man Lingers in Car to Finish Last 4 Hours of Podcast Real Quick

Posted on June 23, 2023 by Cameron Snow

OMAHA, Neb. — Leisurely disregarding any sense of haste, local man Ray Pittman, 38, lingered in his car to finish the last four hours of a podcast real quick before heading into a D&D session, sources confirmed.

“Ope, looks like I’m here early this time,” said Pittman, whose D&D session was scheduled to start in three minutes, before unfastening his seatbelt and reclining in his car seat. “I guess I’ve got some time to kill, so I’ll just kick back and finish the rest of this podcast real quick. No biggie.”

Pittman’s friend and fellow player, Mary Menzel, couldn’t help but express bewilderment toward Pittman’s lack of punctuality.

“Sometimes your favorite song comes on and you just can’t help but finish it before leaving the car. That is perfectly understandable,” stated Menzel. “But a full-blown podcast episode? Is his perception of time just different? Is an hour to us only a mere minute to him? This is almost like that time he accidentally glanced at a book’s cover and then became completely ensnared, unable to look away until he finished devouring its entire contents twenty hours later.”

After reciting every word to his favorite podcast episode, Pittman began to reflect.

“Don’t go anywhere, we’ll be back after this word from our sponsors! Man, that’s my favorite part,” exclaimed Pittman. “I’m so glad that, from a young age, I was instilled with this drive to finish what I start. Whether it be doing chores, finishing my homework, or sitting in a car and listening to a four hour podcast that my friends keep banging on my car window for me to turn off, I always see things through.”

At press time, Pittman was confirmed to have died after hundreds of podcast episodes kept autoplaying, preventing him from eating or drinking.

Musk and Zuckerberg Agree to Fight Just to Feel Touch of Fellow Human

Posted on June 23, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

SAN FRANCISCO — Billionaires and social media CEOs Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk have agreed to a mixed martial arts fight, mostly just to remember what it’s like to have someone touch them, sources have confirmed.

“Ah yes, a cage fight, something I’ve always been interested in,” said 51-year-old divorcee Musk. “I will start training immediately and forge myself into one of the greatest fighters this world has ever seen, much as I have conquered the worlds of business and social media. Oh hey, in MMA, do the fighters ever do that thing where they kinda hang onto each other for a while? I’m uh, just wondering. ‘Cause if not, this may have to be a boxing match!”

While chronic loneliness seems an obvious motivation for Musk to enter the physical engagement, the married Zuckerberg’s motives remain slightly less clear.

“I’ve been happily married for over a decade,” he said. “There is no loneliness here, I assure you. I have a very normal human life and I do all the normal things that people do, and my money has definitely provided me a lot of happiness. I feel very fulfilled. In fact, I have nothing to prove. I might just stand there in that cage and just let Elon wail on me, who knows? I sure would feel something, that’s for sure.”

At press time, Jeff Bezos sent a memo to all employees of Amazon asking if anyone felt like wrestling him.

James Cameron Gives Detailed Interview About How He Would’ve Destroyed Death Star

Posted on June 23, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

LOS ANGELES — Filmmaker James Cameron appeared on Anderson Cooper’s CNN show last night and gave a detailed interview about how he would’ve destroyed the Death Star had he been a part of the Battle of Yavin portrayed in Star Wars: Episode IV – A New Hope.

“A flukey proton torpedo shot into an exhaust port is a terrible plan,” said the auteur behind Titanic, Avatar, and many other blockbusters on yesterday’s episode of Anderson Cooper 360°. “And people say ‘Oh, but that worked for the rebels,’ but it was a fictional movie. Force or not, it’s highly improbable that shot makes it in real life. I know five ways alone I could’ve blown it up if I were in Rogue Squadron.”

When pressed for examples, Cameron supplied several.

“You could send a large enough pulsar blast and you could short circuit the whole thing, send infantry down and try to breach the surface. Or I don’t know, maybe use one of your stolen Empire landing codes to access the cockpit and initiate some sort of self destruction. You could seduce a high ranking stormtrooper. There’s any number of ways, if you’re knowledgeable about the science and techniques. I spent a lot of time in space before we shot Aliens, so I have a bit of a background here.”

The filmmaker’s dedication to the science behind his films has long been part of his method.

“I remember when we were making True Lies,” said Arnold Schwarzenegger, a frequent collaborator of Cameron’s. “And one day I was asking him about how he wanted me to do one of the stunts with the Harrier Fighter Jet. He handed his bottled water to his assistant, got in the jet, flew up in the air, then executed the move perfectly, and then landed. He threw me the keys to the jet and said, ‘Do it like that.’ He is truly one of a kind.”

As of press time, Cameron had announced that he would be making an action film with Tom Cruise that would most likely kill one or both of them.

Final Fantasy 16 Graphics or Performance: Which is Better?

Posted on June 23, 2023 by Christian Dawson

Graphics or performance mode is a big question in all modern releases, including Final Fantasy 16. As consoles have become beefier with more recent generations, graphical quality has made several leaps and bounds in gaming. This is especially apparent in the era of the PlayStation 5 and Xbox Series X|S. With the introduction of 4K displays, console players are left with an important choice when playing games like Final Fantasy XVI.

Graphics options on consoles are a relatively new concept for the hardware. This is largely due to this current generation being released in a transition period for displays. 1080p is practically the standard, but some players are utilizing 1440p or even 4K displays. While the higher resolutions produce a better picture, it usually comes at the cost of a reduced framerate as the current generation of consoles isn’t quite there for delivering 4K with high frame rates.

Graphics Or Performance Mode – Final Fantasy 16

Those looking for the highest fidelity and have a 4K display can opt for Graphics Mode. This will deliver the best-looking visuals while keeping the framerate locked at 30FPS.

Performance Mode will do the opposite effect, in a manner of speaking. It will allow the game to run at a solid 60FPS, but only in resolutions up to 1440p. This reduction will tone down the heinous motion blur present in Graphics Mode.

When it comes to which mode players should choose, the biggest determining factor is if you’re utilizing a 4K display or not. If you have a 4K display and want to watch Eikons duking it out in all their glory with the understanding that it will be capped at 30FPS, then Graphics Mode is for you. Conversely, if you don’t have a 4K display, then Graphics Mode is a moot point. You’ll get the best picture possible with a much higher frame rate.

With the decision to use Graphics or Performance Mode in Final Fantasy 16 out of the way, players are free to explore the vast world of Valisthea with Clive and his entourage of rebel-rousing misfits. The most notable of these is the legendary good boy himself, Torgal. While deciding which graphics mode to choose is important, knowing if you can pet the dog is paramount to any game.

Diablo 4 Paragon Glyph Guide: How to Farm Glyphs Faster

Posted on June 23, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

The Diablo 4 post-campaign endgame will unlock a new progression mechanic called Paragon Boards–a different kind of skill tree, specifically after hitting level 50. Paragon Glyphs are items that can be socketed into these boards in order to boost the stats of nodes in their mentioned radius. This Diablo IV guide will show you how to farm these Paragon Glyphs.

Diablo 4 Paragon Glyph Guide: Farm Grim Favors

To begin farming for Paragon Glyphs, you need to have access to World Tier 3 and The Tree of Whispers, both of which unlock access to Nightmare Dungeons using Nightmare Sigils. By completing timed bounties for The Tree of Whispers, you will earn Grim Favors. Collecting ten such Grim Favors unlocks the opportunity to purchase Collections, and Greater Collections if you’re lucky, which contain a randomized assortment of loot. While you can perform these bounties on any World Tier, it is only from World Tier 3 and up that you begin receiving Nightmare Sigils as drops. Also note that the Grim Favors themselves are tracked separately on each World Tier, so any accumulated on a lower tier cannot be cashed in on World Tier 3.

Farm Nightmare Sigils – Diablo IV

Once you have acquired a single Nightmare Sigil through Whispers of the Dead bounties, you can access a Nightmare variant of a predetermined Dungeon which raises its difficulty and modifies it with between three to five affixes. Run a Nightmare Dungeon to completion to gain another Nightmare Sigil by the end, and that is ideally Tier 3 or higher. Completing a minimum Tier 3 Nightmare Dungeon will unlock Sigil Crafting at the Occultist, allowing you to salvage unwanted Sigils, and craft new ones from the resulting Sigil Powder, at your discretion.

How to Farm Paragon Glyphs in Diablo 4

Over the course of running Nightmare Dungeons, you will receive random Glyph drops with random rarities. If you have multiple Nightmare Sigils for the same Dungeon location, you can run them back to back, ignoring the mandatory reset timer entirely, and sparing yourself the travel time between Dungeons. Once you have a Glyph in your possession you can socket it into your Paragon Board.

You can then begin leveling up your Glyphs with XP, which will be done upon completing a Nightmare Dungeon by killing the end boss–doing so spawns a bubble-shielded Awakened Glyphstone, with which you can interact to select the Glyph you want to put XP towards. Paragon Glyphs become more effective as they are leveled up, but XP requirements are quite high relative to the rate at which it is accrued.

That is everything you need to know about farming and leveling Paragon Glyphs in Diablo 4. Check out our Blood and Sweat sidequest guide if you’re having trouble with that.

Hey Sega: Let Kiryu Take a Fucking Break

Posted on June 23, 2023 by Kevin Podas

Sega can’t resist putting Kiryu front and center in their ever popular Yakuza series, even when the torch was already passed. I mean he’s almost died like, what, 9 times now? Well, how many Yakuza games are there? With Kiryu appearing yet again in the announcement trailers for Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth (which is effectively Yakuza 8) and Like A Dragon Gaiden: The Man Who Erased His Name, the guy is working well past retirement. It’s time for him to get some rest and leave some screen time for other characters.

Listen, make no mistake here: Kiryu is probably my favorite video game character ever. The guy just emanates coolness. He’s strong, he’s caring, he’s what every man should be. I would trust Kiryu to hold me in his arms and whisk me away from danger, and so would you. He is the ultimate protagonist, but how many times is Sega going to pretend to “end” his character arc, only to bring him back for one final mission?

Obvious spoiler warning here, so read on at your own discretion.

Yakuza: Like a Dragon is a kick ass game. Ryu Ga Gotoku Studio took a massive leap of faith by transforming the beat-em-up series into a turn-based RPG after seven entries, and it totally worked. It’s not only an intricate crime drama filled with laughs, tears, and gorillas driving construction vehicles, but a clever send up of RPGs and a bit of a satire on video games in general, and the fans who consume them well into adulthood. If you’re reading this, that’s you, by the way.

This pivot in gameplay would not work nearly as well, however, if they hadn’t switched the story’s focus to their new protagonist: Ichiban Kasuga, who is basically the reverse of Kiryu in almost every possible way. Seriously, even his red suit and white undershirt are an inverse of Kiryu’s iconic white suit and red undershirt. They want us to know that Ichiban is his own man, the other type of man that every guy should strive to be: strong, goofy, and not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve. Ichiban’s story grabbed me by the wrist and yanked me in from the get go. But further into the story, one very predictable cameo took a bit of the wind out of his sails.

Yes, Kiryu shows up again. This time, he is technically “nameless”, but the dialogue surrounding him constantly winks at the player so hard that they might get an aneurysm in their eye. This wasn’t enough to ruin the experience for me, though, and it did end up playing out in a pretty cool way: one of the hardest boss fights in the game is against Kiryu, in a completely turn-based RPG battle, with your entire party versus one legendary man. The cutscene following it is all about passing the torch on to Ichiban, emphasizing that this new protagonist may still have a lot to learn, but has an incredible amount of potential. The moment between them was pretty moving, and mostly justified Kiryu’s inclusion in the story to me.

Flash forward a bit later, and Sega announces the inevitable follow-up to Yakuza: Like A Dragon. The teaser trailer shows Ichiban strutting his stuff through the neon-lit streets of Kamurocho. But, we hear a familiar voice. Then, we see a familiar face. That’s right, it’s Kiryu again. Or “Joryu”, whatever. But this time, he’s got a goofy-ass haircut! I was more than ready for Ichiban to take the helm after the torch was literally passed onto him, but this teaser makes it look a lot like they’ll be sharing the stage together. Okay he didn’t actually hand Ichiban a literal torch, but he might as well have.

Kiryu is also getting his own entry in the series that is set to release prior to Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth, titled Like a Dragon Gaiden: The Man Who Erased His Name. This is meant to explain the events that took place during Yakuza: Like a Dragon which lead Kiryu to erase his identity, change his name to Joryu, and show up once more. Well, if you played Yakuza 6: The Song of Life you would already know that Kiryu had to fake his own death to keep his family safe, so the game’s existence is a bit superfluous. Still, it’s a brief return to form going back to the series’ classic beat-em-up gameplay, which will no doubt be a nice palette cleanser after dumping dozens of hours into leveling up my team in Yakuza: Like a Dragon.

But does Kiryu really need to star in two upcoming games? Well, we still don’t know how big his role will be in Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth. The first teaser seemed to imply that Ichiban and Kiryu would share the spotlight equally, but the most recent teaser shows Ichiban washed up on the shores of what is presumably America while naked, scared, and confused. It’s wild to imagine the Yakuza series (or Like A Dragon series, what the hell are we calling it now?) taking place outside of Japan, but the brief look we got is hilarious.

Do I want to see Kiryu also show up in a goofy Coming To America style RPG? I mean, kinda. But it’s not his turn anymore. The man is tired. Sega, let Kiryu take a break. Let us miss the guy. He’s more than earned it.

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Graphics Or Performance Mode – Final Fantasy 16

Diablo 4 Paragon Glyph Guide: Farm Grim Favors

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How to Farm Paragon Glyphs in Diablo 4

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