Final Fantasy 16 Best Accessories Guide: Best FF16 Equipment

Looking to learn about the best accessories in Final Fantasy 16? Our guide has you covered. We discuss various gear pieces that you can equip throughout the campaign, allowing the main character, Clive Rosfield, to unleash his full potential.

We’ve further organized our Final Fantasy 16 best accessories guide into several sections depending on how these items are utilized. We also noted how you can get them during your playthrough. However, since we also discuss Eikon-related items, do note that this article contains minor spoilers.

The Best Accessories in Final Fantasy 16

When discussing the best accessories in Final Fantasy 16, it’s important to consider that players can only wear three of these gear pieces at any given time. As such, it leads to situations where you might want a particular general buff, while also equipping something that might boost rates. At the end of the day, however, it’s your call on which accessories to equip depending on the situation and your preferences.

Best Timely Rings Accessory: Ring of Timely Assistance

One of Final Fantasy 16’s best accessories is none other than the Ring of Timely Assistance. This becomes available during the Fanning Embers main quest, which is also when you gain access to Torgal the Dog. What makes this accessory amazing is that it makes Torgal’s actions automatic. Normally, you’d have to press left on the D-pad to switch from consumables to Torgal’s command inputs. Then, you’d have to press additional buttons for each type of move, which can be a hassle if you don’t like micromanagement.

The Ring of Timely Strikes does have a similar effect, though it also causes more complex abilities to get triggered by pressing the Square button. In effect, the game would become too simple.

Best FF16 XP Farming Accessory: On Fortune and the Heavens

One of the best Final Fantasy 16 accessories, On Fortune and the Heavens, makes XP farming incredibly easy.

On Fortune and the Heavens is one of the best Final Fantasy 16 accessories since it grants +15% XP. You can purchase it from Charon, the Hideaway vendor, upon reaching the Cid the Outlaw main quest.

An alternative, the Scholar’s Spectacles, also exists, but it’s only for those who pre-ordered the game. It adds +10% XP, and the boost also stacks with On Fortune and the Heavens. If you wear both, you’ll end up using two accessory slots already. As such, we only recommend doing this if you’re trying to grind levels by defeating weaker foes.

Moreover, it bears mentioning that your initial playthrough has a level 50 cap for Clive. Still, you get to retain Clive’s level upon beating the campaign, so you should be able to start New Game Plus a lot stronger than before.

Other Good Farming Accessories: The Wages of Warcraft and The Golden Testament

The Wages of Warcraft grants +25% ability points from encounters. The Golden Testament, meanwhile, nets you +35% additional gil from encounters. Both of these can be purchased from Charon’s Toll once you’ve reached the Cid the Outlaw main quest, similar to On Fortune and the Heavens.

Generally speaking, The Wages of Warcraft is great if you really need the extra ability points to unlock new skill upgrades or mastery. The Golden Testament isn’t as useful, since gil is easy enough to come by. Likewise, there’s the Cait Sith Charm, which adds +25% gil earnings, though it’s only a pre-order bonus.

Best General Combat Accessory: Berserker Ring and Genji Gloves

How to get the Berserker Ring, one of the best accessories in Final Fantasy 16.

Given that Final Fantasy 16’s combat relies heavily on perfectly timed evasive maneuvers, it’s a given that the Berserker Ring is included on this list. It increases your attack after each successful precision dodge, which means focusing on defense and survivability leads to boosted offense. You can obtain the Berserker Ring upon reaching 85 total Renown. This lets you pick it up as the “Pillow Talk” reward from a Hideaway NPC named Desiree.

Also, speaking of Renown rewards, there’s an accessory called the Genji Gloves, which gives +5% increased damage. In and of itself, we can say that it might be the top accessory in the game. Unfortunately, it does require you to reach 2,365 Renown first, which is a tall order that’s going to take a lot of time.

Best Final Fantasy 16 Eikon-Specific Accessories

Last but not least, we’ve listed a few of the best Final Fantasy 16 accessories that boost a specific Eikon’s abilities. Before we discuss those, take note that you’re only allowed to equip up to three Eikon sets at any given time (three feats and six skills). Mastery also applies, just in case you want to equip an ability from a different Eikon. Moreover, due to each skill’s usage and effects, we have to narrow it down to only a select few based on their overall damage and utility in battle.

Ifrit: The Favor of the Inferno (Ignition)

  • Location and requirement: The Crystals’ Curse main quest — Reward for beating the Imperial Cannoneer miniboss.
  • Effect: +12% Ignition damage.

We feel that The Favor of the Inferno (Ignition) is one of Final Fantasy 16’s best accessories, primarily because Ignition is already an amazing skill to use in combat. With it, Clive dashes and bulldozes numerous foes, causing multiple hits before pushing them away.

Ramuh: The Breath of Lightning (Judgment Bolt)

  • Location and requirement: Fire in the Sky main quest — Inside a chest as you’re making your way through the Blight-infested city of Drake’s Tail. You should see it just before fighting the Necrophobe boss.
  • Effect: Reduces cooldown time by 12 seconds.

Conversely, Judgment Bolt is a single-target spell, essentially a devastating nuke that’s best used against bosses. Lowering its cooldown means you’ll be able to cast it more often.

Bahamut: The Favor of Light (Flare Breath)

  • Location and requirement: Smooth Like Butler side quest — You’ll need to complete the Things Fall Apart main quest. After that, you’ll find a missive called A Humble Request in Clive’s room. Read it to start the objective.
  • Effect: +12% Flare Breath damage.

Flare Breath is akin to Ignition in that it can also group up enemies. Even better, Clive doesn’t need to move, and the channeling time is a lot longer, too.

Bahamut: The Favor of Light (Gigaflare)

  • Location and requirement: Bahamut/Hand of Mimas Chronolith Trial — Complete the Fire in the Sky main quest, then travel to Northreach. Exit the market square, then go through the valley to the west.
  • Effect: +5% Gigaflare damage.

Gigaflare is one of the most devastating abilities in the game. As such, we think that any boost to this ability automatically belongs to any Final Fantasy 16 best accessories list. The only downside is that you do need to complete a Chronolith Trial just to get it.

Odin: Breath of Darkness (Dancing Steel)

  • Location and requirement: Dravozd Village — This location is near Tabor, which is southeast of the Hideaway. If you haven’t discovered it yet, use the Tabor fast travel point, then make your way through the canyon to the southwest. Upon arriving at Dravozd, you can purchase this from an NPC.
  • Effect: Reduces Dancing Steel cooldown time by 4.5 seconds.

And, finally, we have the Breath of Darkness accessory for Dancing Steel. Since Odin’s Zantetsuken requires multiple hits to increase the rank of its damage, nothing beats an ability that speeds up the entire process.

And that’s it. These are the best accessories in Final Fantasy 16. Naturally, our guide is primarily based on our playstyle and experiences while playing the campaign. You might have other preferences, and that’s totally fine. For other tips and tactics, you can visit our FF16 guides hub.

MultiVersus Announces It’s Just Going to the Store For Some Cigarettes, Will Be Right Back, Everything’s Fine

LOS ANGELES Warner Bros’ cross platform free-to-play fighting game MultiVersus announced today that it’s just shutting its servers down to go get some cigarettes, and that everything’s totally cool. 

“Oh, that’s reassuring,” said Dave Carter, who’s been playing the game since its initial release and spent 100 dollars on its Premium Founder’s Pack. “They were always pretty secretive about the fact that it was in an open beta, especially when they were selling battle passes and such, so I was obviously concerned at first. But to hear that the entire team just needs to go out for smokes and will be right back with our money, well, feels good. I’ll see ‘em when they get back.” 

Other gamers didn’t share Carter’s optimism. 

“That game ain’t comin’ back,” said Jayden Martin, a forlorn 17-year-old former Rainbow Six Vegas 2 player that saw its online servers abruptly disappear two years ago. “I understand being in denial about it, but the best thing for them to do here is just accept reality and try to find some new game that will do in its place. It won’t ever be the same as it was, but that’s fine. Maybe you’ll find some new game that actually loves you more. Or not, fuck, I don’t know.” 

Executives from MultiVersus confirmed that they’d be back in six months, and they’ll have changed, you guys will see. 

“We’re just really, really burned out,” said Tony Huynh, director of MultiVersus. “And look, none of this is the players’ fault. Sometimes games just need a break. We have been under such pressure, and we just all have to take a walk around the block and just like… you know? I know we did a poor job messaging this, and honestly, we feel like shit about that. Seriously. We probably feel worse about it than you guys do, you know?”

As of press time, MultiVersus promised to have something nice for you when it came back.

Marvel Snap Spider-Man 2099 Guide: Best Decks to Try

Spider-Man 2099 is now in Marvel Snap, and players are wondering how best to use him. Recently made popular by Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse, Miguel O’Hara is a futuristic Spidey with a more brutal fighting style. His card ability reflects this, allowing players to destroy a card at a location he moves to. He’s a bit harder to use than his obvious similar counterpart (Shang-Chi), but has some interesting utility for players to try out. Here are some great Spider-Man 2099 decks to try out.

Marvel Snap Best Spider-Man 2099 Decks – Control

  • Iron Fist
  • Kraven
  • Ghost-Spider
  • Brood
  • Silver Surfer
  • Storm
  • Juggernaut
  • Killmonger
  • Polaris
  • Miles Morales
  • Spider-Man 2099
  • Aero

This Spider-Man 2099 deck is a play on the control deck that is currently popular in the meta. Many of the powerful 3-cost pieces stay the same, with an emphasis on cards that can alter the location of your opponent. Storm closing off a location early remains a strong prospect, especially with cards like Juggernaut and Polaris to move opposing cards. To take advantage of this emphasis, slot Kraven in this deck to gain power as the opponents are moved around the board.

As far as Spider-Man 2099 himself goes, Iron Fist and Ghost-Spider are both good synergies. A well-played turn 6 2099-Ghost Spider combo can be devastating to the enemy if you’ve controlled locations well. Iron Fist can accomplish similar results. Combine that with usual 3-energy suspects like Killmonger, Silver Surfer, and Brood, and you have a strong control deck on your hands, with a few unexpected wrinkles.

Spider-Man 2099 Decks: Move

The best Spider-Man 2099 Marvel Snap decks.

  • Human Torch
  • Iron Fist
  • Dagger
  • Kraven
  • Ghost-Spider
  • Cloak
  • Doctor Strange
  • Vulture
  • Miles Morales
  • Spider-Man 2099
  • Spider-Man
  • Heimdall

A more obvious application of O’Hara is slotting him into a traditional move deck. Heimdall and Cloak offer plenty of ways to move 2099 around the board and destroy the opposition. Kraven & Miles Morales also return in this deck, their move synergies still being great for the deck overall. Your main goal of this deck is to build power with your move-powered cards, like Dagger, Vulture, and Human Torch.

However, this deck isn’t particularly strong than any other move deck. The random nature of Spider-Man 2099’s ability makes it hard to justify picking him over Shang-Chi, who has a guarantee of destroying the target you probably want.

And that, overall, is the problem with Spider-Man 2099 in Marvel Snap. His random ability and higher cost of execution, makes him a worse choice than most other destroy cards. Perhaps in future updates, as Move and Destroy archetypes look to get more buffs and additional cards, 2099 can be viable. But as of his release, while he’s fun to tinker with, Spider-Man 2099 doesn’t seem like he’ll be shifting the Snap meta any time soon. Instead, stick with some of our picks for the best Marvel Snap conquest decks.

Final Fantasy 16 Renown Rewards Guide: How to Get Them All

As you proceed through Final Fantasy 16‘slong and winding main scenario, you’ll eventually unlock the Patron’s Whisper at the Hideaway and subsequently, renown rewards. You’ll be able to trade in the renown you earn by completing quests and hunts for a variety of useful rewards.

It’ll take a long time to earn enough to score the best the Patron’s Whisper has to offer, but with enough time and dedication, you’re certain to rack up quite the haul. If you’re curious about what awaits your hard work, here are all the renown rewards and their costs.

All Renown Rewards in Final Fantasy 16

Talk of the Treehouse (15 Renown) – 20x Valley Madder, 20x Bloody Hide, 20x Steelsilk, 400x Ability Points
Respect (45 Renown) – 1x Meteorite
Pillow Talk (85 Renown) – 1x Berserker Ring 
A Swelling Chorus (135 Renown) – 1x A Rose is a Rose Orchestron, 1x Empty Shard
A Prayer for Safe Travels (205 Renown) – 1x Cleric’s Medalion +1
Safe Passage (295 Renown) – 1x Dire Wolf Jess
A Token (410 Renown) – 25x Briar Clam Shell, 15x Desert Rose, 800x Ability Points
The Bearer’s Plight (550 Renown) – 2x Meteorite
A Light from the Heavens (715 Renown) – 1x High Cleric’s Medallion
A Pall Lifted (905 Renown) – 40x Sharp Fang, 30x Bloody Hide, 30x Steelsilk, 1500x Ability Points
Newfound Purpose (1120 Renown) – 1x No Risk, No Reward Orchestron, 1x Amber
A Gift (1360 Renown) – 1x Talisman of Priming
A Fitting Performance (1635 Renown) – 20x Clutchmine, 50x Wyrrite, 50x Magicked Ash, 2500x Ability Points
Faith Undying (1965 Renown) – 1x Ring of the Swiftshot
Continental Acclaim (2365 Renown) – 1x Genji Gloves
Unsigned (2850 Renown) – 1x To Sail Forbidden Seas Orchestron, 1x Fallen Enigma

That’s all you need to know about the Final Fantasy 16 renown rewards. Be sure to keep increasing your renown to get those rewards. While you’re here, check out how to use the FF16 photo mode!

Final Fantasy 16 PS4 Release: Is FF16 Coming to PlayStation 4?

Burning off the coattails of other great games released in 2023, Final Fantasy 16 has made a massive splash on launch. The release saw millions of PS5 players, FF vets and a decent amount of newcomers alike, jump into the land of Valisthea with open eyes. And while the performance of the game has been a bit of a hot-topic since the game came out, people have still been meeting the game with fairly positive takeaways.

However, if you don’t own a PS5, trying out this new Action RPG won’t be possible for quite a while. Taking a look at the ASCII interview published at the end of May from producer Naoki Yoshida, he states that they “also plan to work on the development of the PC version carefully after release.” This has left players of last-gen PlayStation consoles to wonder: is Final Fantasy 16 coming to PS4?

Will Final Fantasy 16 Come to PlayStation 4?

Is Final Fantasy 16 coming to PS4? landscape

While FF16 is currently a PlayStation 5 exclusive, it doesn’t seem like a PS4 release is in the cards. PlayStation was able to snag an exculsivity window for the games launch, with the ability to port it elsewhere only being available after the end of 2023. Unfortunately, while Yoshida has mentioned their plans for developing a version of the game for PC in a Japanese PlayStation blog post, no other platforms have been officially announced.

He goes on to state that they spent “a lot of time and money optimizing the PS5 platform to deliver the best gaming experience” and that “the PC version will not come out in half a year.” Players who own next-gen Xbox consoles can pray to Metia for a Final Fantasy 16 release, but given the fact that Final Fantasy 7 Remake still hasn’t made its way to Xbox consoles a whole 3 years after release, fans of Microsoft might be missing out entirely.

There has been a lot of positive reception on launch for Final Fantasy 16. However, not everything seems to be bathed in the light of the Mothercrystals. One technical aspect, was the fact that even while in performance mode, the game fails to hit 60 FPS in certain areas/fights. This, combined with the apparent console overheating issues players have been complaining about on social media, have led the community to believe that Final Fantasy 16 won’t be releasing on PS4.

The latest entry into the Final Fantasy franchise shows that Square Enix is pushing the limits of current-gen consoles like the PS5. And with the game featuring sprawling landscapes and Kaiju-esque boss fights, this one might truly leave PS4 owners in the past. 

Starfield Imagines Imaginative Futuristic Worlds With Thousands of Pickable Locks

ROCKVILLE, Md. — Todd Howard announced today that the upcoming Bethesda Starfield will depict unthinkable futuristic worlds filled with pickable locks.

“Space is a wondrous place, full of anything you can imagine. And yes, one thing you can imagine is thousands of pickable locks,” explained Howard. “We worked with a lot of scientists and astronomers and, after years of research, we are pretty sure that the future is going to evolve in such a way that lockpicking, which is completely unimportant today, will have a great impact on society. Also you can go up that mountain if you want to — you just have to jump a lot.”

Some lucky playtesters are already getting to experience the bobby-pin filled world of Starfield.

“I really don’t think it makes sense,” said playtester Daisy Walter. “My character is a cyborg from a lava planet in the far reaches of the galaxy; why is he even bothering with opening doors in a minigame? The cyborg is super strong and he can throw boulders at enemies. Couldn’t he just, like, blast the door or something? With his gun-arm? I’ve brought this up to my superiors, but they just give me this weird fake smile and refuse to keep talking to me.”

Howard also teased other features coming to the game.

“We’re so excited to show off the world of Starfield, which is unlike anything you’ve ever seen,” Howard said. “Imagine a planet where, once you land, you can do literally anything you want. You can walk around and pick up plants to put in your inventory. You can buy and sell items while talking to merchants. Hell, you can even walk up to a bed in an inn, and for a price, sleep in it until whatever time you choose. The future is truly so strange and I think you’re all going to really enjoy exploring it.”

At press time Todd Howard was trying to get the only shipping copy of Starfield out of a safe that he had accidentally locked it into.

Rival Shocked to Learn Pokémon Trainer Has Known About Type Advantages for 25 Years

POSTWICK, Galar — Local Pokémon trainer Hop was caught completely off guard when his 32-year-old rival made clever use of type advantages to win their first battle, sources close to the matter confirmed.

“Wow! I can’t believe you figured out that Water Gun would do double damage to Scorbunny,” Hop shouted at rival Zachary Preble, 15 years his senior. “You must be some kind of genius to have realized that water is strong against fire so quickly! It’s almost like you’ve been doing this for a very, very long time!”

Professor Magnolia, a local authority on Pokémon ecology, said that the strategy showed an uncanny understanding of the creatures’ biology.

“It took me a decade of studying and even more time researching these animals to understand why some moves do extra damage to certain Pokémon,” said Magnolia, standing in a library full of books detailing the intricate biology that leads to type vulnerabilities. “This young man is clearly a prodigy. I wish I had taken him on as my assistant instead of wasting all these years training my granddaughter.”

Preble stated that he did not understand what was so impressive about the feat and that he has understood the mechanic for quite some time.

“I mean, most of them are just common sense,” said Preble, who was looking through a PC Box full of recently caught Yamper in order to find the one with the best Attack stat. “Like, obviously Flying is strong against Bug, because birds eat bugs. I’m an adult. It shouldn’t be surprising that I can remember that. I admit that I have to Google some of the weird ones, like Steel being strong against Ice. I can just do that in the middle of a battle, though, lickety-split.”

At press time, Hop was reportedly taking solace in the thought that he would still have the chance to teach Preble about status effects.

Ghost of Obi Wan Begs Luke to Stop Masturbating So Much

ENDOR   Having successfully eradicated the second Death Star and defeated the Empire for good this time, the specter of fallen Jedi knight Obi-Wan Kenobi has now started to counsel Luke Skywalker about his chronic masturbation habit, sources have confirmed. 

“Great job, Luke. You defeated Vader.  I knew you could do it,” said Kenobi in a telepathic message received by Skywalker shortly after the Battle of Endor’s conclusion. “Now, we’ve got to find you a partner or at the very least work on your self discipline. This is no way for a Jedi to treat his body, Luke. A Jedi must know patience and sacrifice. This constant ejaculation troubles all of us elders that are observing you. Also, you should really be careful with the only hand you have left.” 

Skywalker’s onanism, common for boys his age, has drawn the attention of his coworkers in addition to his mentor.

“Is that what the kid’s always doin’?” asked rebel pilot Han Solo, who’s fought alongside Skywalker several times. “I told Chewie I had a bad feeling about it when Luke spent a half hour in the Falcon’s bathroom the other day. Boy, I sure would love to be wrong, just one time. Hey 3PO! Maybe you should put on a dress and go ask Luke if he has any jobs you can do for him. No, come back here, I was just kidding.” 

Despite the pleas from Kenobi, many rebel soldiers confirmed that Skywalker kept excusing himself from the large celebration held in the wake of the Empire’s fall. 

“Wow, I can’t belive it,” said Ark Linto, a young X-Wing pilot fresh off his first combat mission. “I just met Luke Skywalker! An hour earlier he’s defeating the Empire and saving the galaxy, and now here he is at the same party as me. He was a little shy, but it was really great meeting him. It was strange the way he ended our interaction by saying he had to go look for his goggles in the woods, because his goggles were around his neck. But oh well, maybe he was just overwhelmed by all the attention and felt like getting away for a minute. I’m sure he has a lot on his mind.” 

As of press time, a watermelon from the Endor celebration party had mysteriously floated into the woods. 

Earning Our Deaths: We Ranked the God of War Games From Worst to Best

In ancient times, God of War was the rare franchise that brought together the nerds, the jocks, and the theater kids. It inspired an entire generation of teenagers to lie about their age at the store, and an entire generation of adults to forget about their age at home. Introduced in 2005, its “hero” Kratos was a brute, trapped in a Greek tragedy that he tore through life, limb, and liver to escape. He was as ruthless as he was melodramatic, and the gameplay was as cathartic as it was tense. 

Today, it’s the rare franchise that brings together Gamers™ from all corners of the internet — because we all agree which games are the best and which saga was better, right? Now that you’ve had some time to sit with Ragnarök, here is our totally agreeable, 100% non-controversial ranking of all the games.

#9 — God of War: Betrayal

Leave it to God of War to make you do QTEs on a Nokia. It would have been easy to say “no one played this,” slap it as #9, and move on. But you know what? I played it! Just for this list! Just for you! 

And the weirdest part is… it’s pretty good? For a mobile game, anyway. The devs somehow translated Kratos’ arsenal from God of War (2005) onto a number pad. They even kept the same upgrade system. They got Marianne Krawczyk, the screenwriter for the original trilogy, to write it. The animations are solid, and the enemy sprites are surprisingly expressive. 

That said, “Pretty good for a phone game” still falls short of the series’ usual mark. And can you believe they had the audacity to leave off on a sequel hook? 

#8 — God of War: Ascension

Ascension is the earliest game in the timeline, but the last set in the Grecian saga. Orpheus died so Tyler Bates could riff, because the soundtrack on this is “oops, all bangers.”

Ascension gets a bad rap — and I suspect this has more to do with when it came out than what it actually is. Its level design and use of geography were a particular highlight. The other prequels didn’t quite get to play with complex, interconnected architecture in the same way the mainline games do — partly due to being developed for the PSP. Released late into the life cycle of the PS3, Ascension did. Gloriously and gore-iously. 

The catch? There was no way to escalate past what God of War 3 did. What we got instead was a smaller story about Kratos’ past that felt relatively inconsequential. The combat and stakes, too, were dialed back, with a focus on using pick-ups and elemental power-ups instead of a curated arsenal. Santa Monica Studio saved Ascension’s most creative design for its multiplayer, which is an insane choice, because it bet a whole lot on the premise that God of War fans could make friends.

#7 — God of War: Ghost of Sparta

Look. You don’t click on these lists to be validated. You click to be outraged. If it makes you feel any better, this is my way of saying there isn’t a single bad game in the series.

Ghost of Sparta was the second PSP title developed by Ready at Dawn. It was a direct follow-up to the events of God of War (2005) and followed Kratos on a journey to rescue his brother, Deimos. You even get to visit Atlantis in this one, and the fights almost push the PSP to its absolute limit (Its true limit, of course, is trying to recognize a MP3 file). 

It’s got the best (and most essential) story out of all the side games. Deimos is exactly what you might expect, but he’s such a fantastic addition to Kratos’ backstory that this is hardly a problem. What is more of a problem is that this doesn’t just take place between God of War and God of War 2 chronologically — but also feels stuck between the two with little identity of its own. We remember this one for the novelty of the story, not as much for the game feel… 

#6 — God of War: Chains of Olympus

…Which was not an issue Chains of Olympus had! While not as long or as technically impressive as its PSP successor, this one has a more distinct identity as Kratos uncovers a conspiracy among the gods. It’s the brightest out of all the Grecian games — while still maintaining the blood, guts, and emotional heft. Ready at Dawn’s first outing brought the same combat system and weight of the console games to the palm of your sweaty hands in remarkable fashion. You even get to expand your arsenal outside of Greek mythology this time, with an Efreet spell. 

Kratos is still working for the gods in this one, but that doesn’t stop him from killing Charon. Can you believe this dude still gets promoted? It might be the ashes of his dead wife and child, but I’m not sure him turning white was actually a curse. 

#5 — God of War (2005)

Opening with a fight against the legendary Hydra, the original God of War took what many games would have made a late-game boss fight and made it its tutorial. Thus, Kratos’ debut adventure set a standard for the rest of the series that has only escalated ever since. You’re up against Ares in this one — but I have this theory that the actual villain of God of War is someone else. No, it’s not Kratos. It’s that fucking wall of rotating spikes near the end. 

The bulk of your quest takes place on a temple chained to the back of the titan, Cronos. I get giddy every time I think about that. There’s a big sword you use as a bridge, and then at the end of the game, you grow big and use it as a sword. Video games are cool, man. 

(Just don’t look up where David Jaffe got the inspiration for Kratos from. Seriously. Don’t look.)

#4 — God of War (2018)

Yeah, titles are confusing. For clarity’s sake, we’ll call this one God of War 1.5 + 2.5 HD Remix. 

This is one of the coolest reinventions of a series I’ve ever seen, following a timeskip to centuries later when Kratos has moved from Ancient Greece to Scandinavia. We’re up against figures from Norse mythology this time, but Kratos is still haunted by his past in a way that feels meaningful without alienating newer players. 

This is partly thanks to the introduction of his son, Atreus. Atreus brings a new perspective to the series that helps us actually befriend other figures from the mythology this time, not just fight them. On the upside, this means we meet some cool new characters — but on the downside, we lost a lot in terms of boss/enemy variety. If I wanted to fight this many trolls, I’d just go on Reddit.

#3 — God of War III 

When I think God of War III, I think about that one fight with Zeus where the camera pans to the side and the whole thing is animated like a fighting game. It’s maybe six minutes out of a 10-hour game, but is so emblematic of the game’s commitment to the bit that I’m in constant awe. 

Kratos caps off his first trilogy by ripping apart the entire Olympian pantheon (except one, if you want to be pedantic) — and each fight is unique, multi-layered, and needlessly brutal. It is the World’s Most Expensive Piñata Simulator and it wants you to know it: from every angle possible.

In this regard, it’s a bit weird that it tries to swing a redemptive arc for Kratos at the eleventh hour — but even he agrees that’d be stupid. “You have the power of hope, and hope redeems all,” Pandora tells him. “No, child,” he replies. “I need an entire new series for that, preferably in high definition on the PS4, with the camera about ye high.”

#2 — God of War II 

One of the meanest, leanest sequels of all time, God of War II took everything that worked in the original and decided, “if it ain’t broke? Break it anyway!” Kratos falls out with the gods, throws in with the titans, and fights the Sisters of Fate themselves to rewrite his destiny. It’s the one where he straight-up becomes a villain, and being a villain never felt so good.

I still get chills thinking about its setting, the Island of Creation. It featured some of the most interesting puzzles in the series, a hauntingly forlorn ambience, and just about every non-Olympian from the myths you could hope to fight. You get Icarus’ wings in this one! You get the Blade of Olympus, which shoots lasers when fully upgraded. As far as I’m concerned, that should make it as gods-damned iconic as the chains.

Also, there’s a skin called Cod of War where Kratos dresses up in a fish suit. That gives it a few extra points for us here at Hard Drive. 

#1 — God of War: Ragnarök

Ragnarök is peak God of War. It builds on the series’ past in a way even 2018 didn’t. Thor shows up to your front door barely an hour in, and then you fight him while he eggs you on to show him “the god of war that took down an entire pantheon.” Then, Kratos and Atreus set out to rescue the Norse god of war — while Freya grapples with the curse that keeps her exiled in Midgard. It tees up SO MANY plot threads in its opening act and then delivers on almost all of them, weaving a complex tapestry of emotions, motives, and shifting loyalties between its key players. The best character arc isn’t even one of theirs. It’s Sindri’s. Holy shit, Sindri.

The overarching theme of the game is “is change possible?” And yeah, sure it is! Gone is the enemy variety problem from God of War (2018). There are more boss types, more ways to get creative with combat, more realms, and more sidequests — and all of them are thematically consistent with the main story. 

You rescue a lot of animals in this one. You also fight alongside more companions. God of War II made being bad feel good, but this one makes midlife crisis feel good. Gives me hope, ya know?

Luigi: The Hard Drive Interview

I haven’t slept in three days. I’m on my way to meet Luigi, the idol of my childhood. Sure, Mario was the flagship character and probably the one person most associated with gaming, but for me, and I suspect many younger brothers of the world, our bond was formed with Luigi. Where most people looked at us and saw a palette swap, Luigi was there to prove that younger siblings are more than just uninspired sequels. He was the one we looked up to. He was the one we wanted to be. He was the one I’ve been up all night sick about meeting. 

I raced across town to meet the man that had given me confidence in my youth, arriving 15 minutes early to the Bob Evans Luigi had asked to meet at. 

To my surprise, there was Luigi already seated in a booth. My childhood hero had his face laid on the table, and he was sobbing. There was a stack of extra napkins on the table that’d been left by the waitress the last time she checked on him. 

My initial reaction was that Luigi perhaps had received some bad news that day, or possibly wasn’t feeling well, and had decided to fulfill his media obligations anyway, displaying the professionalism I’d long hoped my hero would have. 

Nothing could be further from the truth, however, as I quickly learned Luigi is just a huge mess, man. Dude is struggling. 

I did my best. 

~~~~

 

Hard Drive: Hey Luigi, thank you so much for meeting me. I’m really thrilled to get to speak with you today. 

Luigi: I’m-a so scared, I think I am-a going to die. 

 

Hard Drive: Oh no, is everything okay? 

Luigi: Eh, this is how I generally-a feel. So yes and-a no. 

 

Hard Drive: I see. Well just the same, thank you for meeting me. 

Luigi: No problem. Let’s-a try to eat and maybe we’ll feel better. 

 

~~
Just then a car drove by the diner and honked its horn, prompting Luigi to scream “I’m-a gonna die!” 

 

After awkwardly convincing the other patrons it was a bizarre joke, I attempted to resume the interview. 

~~

 

Hard Drive: Does that happen a lot?

Luigi: Does what happen a lot? 

 

Hard Drive: Do you get scared and scream “I’m gonna die,” when you hear a car horn, even while you’re indoors?

Luigi: Oh, yeah. That happens a lot. 

 

Hard Drive: What do you think is going to make you die? 

Luigi: Oh, it’s a general sense of dread that I feel. I don’t have a hyper specific scenario in mind. It’s just a feeling, like being hungry, or falling in love. I just-a feel like I’m-a gonna die all the time. Mamma mia! Oh no! 

 

Hard Drive: This surprises me, and I’m sure it would surprise a lot of your fans. We’ve all seen you do some pretty brave things. You’ve been fighting Smash for years, you participated in all kinds of sports.
Luigi: That sounds scary! 

 

Hard Drive: No, listen, I’ve seen you do these things. 

Luigi: Mamma mia! 

 

Hard Drive: Luigi, I am telling you, I can think of a dozen things I’ve seen you do that are scarier than a car horn. Do you understand why this would be confusing for me?

Luigi: I understand. Really, I do. And I think the answer is simple. When Mario is around, I feel less scared of everything. He is my big brother, my best friend, and the only one that makes this big cold world any less scary. I know that we’re practically the same person on a lot of levels, but he’s so much more brave than me. Than anybody. I love Mario. He makes it-a okay. 

 

Hard Drive: You say this, but I’ve seen some pretty gnarly footage of Mario hitting you with shells and stuff. 

Luigi: He just-a do that to make me-a tougher. Like a good brother.  He explained this to me. 

 

Hard Drive: I suppose that makes a bit of sense. Thanks for sharing that with me Luigi, I think people will really enjoy reading what you said about your brother. 

Luigi: Sure. Say, can I ask-a you something? 

 

Hard Drive: Sure, Luigi. Anything. 

Luigi: Do you think I’m-a gonna die today? 

 

Hard Drive: What? No! Why would you think that? 

Luigi: Just-a something in my bones, I guess. 

 

Hard Drive: That says you’re gonna die today?

Luigi: That’s right. 

 

Hard Drive: And it feels pretty serious?

Luigi: Oh yeah, big time. 

 

Hard Drive: How did you feel yesterday? And the day before that? 

Luigi: The same. Exact same. Every day, always the same-a. 

 

Hard Drive: And?

Luigi: I did not die. 

 

Hard Drive: Do you see what I’m getting at? 

 

~~~

Just then the waitress approached our table, dropping off some more napkins and checking to see if we were ready to order. I was. I’d hoped Luigi was, too. He had been looking at the menu as we chatted, but as soon as the server introduced herself, Luigi was under the table, sobbing, and calling me a liar. I hopped down there to try and comfort him. 

~~~

 

Luigi: You said I wasn’t going to die! 

Hard Drive: You didn’t die! That woman just wanted to take your order! 

 

Luigi: Ahh! Leave me alone down here! 

Hard Drive: Sure thing, Luigi. I can give you a minute. I’m gonna be up above the table if you want to join me, okay?

 

Luigi: Okay. 

 

~~~

Occasionally Luigi would try to conquer his crying, the noises coming from beneath the table shifting from open mouth wails to forced breathing through gritted teeth. The more he tried to calm down, the more upset he got. He started making those short, stabby breaths that kids do when they’re crying. One guy walked up to my table and asked if that was Luigi I was talking to down there. I lied and said it was my son currently crying under the table and begging to go home. It was the quickest excuse I could think of. The guy looked at me like he didn’t believe me. He had probably seen Luigi’s mustache. 

 

What was I supposed to do? Luigi made this big stink about meeting me at this diner, because he didn’t want anyone to know where he lives “no matter what happens.” We hadn’t even gotten our drinks yet and he was pleading with me to take him home.

 

I tell him I just have to use the restroom and that I will take him home after that. It’s a lie. Instead, I scramble home to write up what I believe to be the interview of a lifetime. At this point, I’ve been scared for weeks that I would meet Luigi and not be able to turn it into a decent article, tossing and turning at night because of my doubts. 

The night I left Luigi under the table at Bob Evans, crying and frantically checking his pulse, I slept better than I had in months. 

~~~

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