Dragon’s Dogma 2 had some significant design oversights upon launch, including the lack of a simple method to start a new game with an active save in place. This and several graphical improvements have been introduced in the update on March 29, 2024, as well as several unnamed bug fixes.
The complete public patch notes are below. PlayStation 5 specific patch notes are specified. Xbox Series X|S players will likely have the same console-specific changes, but the update itself has not been released as of this time.
To all Dragon’s Dogma 2 players on Steam – Title Update
We have released an update including the following modifications and fixes:
That’s all there is to the patch notes on March 29 for Dragon’s Dogma 2 on Steam PC, PlayStation 5, as well as Xbox Series X|S (at an unspecified later time and date).
49-year-old famous YouTuber Boogie2988 announced today that despite public criticism implying the contrary, his girlfriend is technically old enough to join his Steam Family, sources still feeling generally uneasy about the situation confirmed.
“In most states you can share games with anyone over the age of 16 – but she’s already 21,” Boogie said online, a few weeks before his girlfriend’s 21st birthday. “Steam family sharing and any potential IRL couch co-op is completely legal.”
Online commenters said although the relationship was likely in line with local laws and Steam’s code of conduct, it made them a little uncomfortable nonetheless.
“What do a 21-year-old and 49-year-old have in common? What do they talk about?” one online commenter who goes by DanTheMan91, said. “On the other hand the dude has a ton of games. Can I join his steam family too?”
Debra Hessinger, head of Standard’s psychology department, says that the traditional nuclear Steam family is changing.
“It used to be that a man and a woman had one collection of games, which they shared with their children,” she said. “Now it seems older men prefer to share games with women who recently were – but technically no longer are – children. Completely legal, but a fascinating sociological change which should be studied.”
At press time, the Cut was preparing an op-ed from a young woman arguing the merits of joining an older man’s Steam family.
To buy the complete set of microtransactions for Dragon’s Dogma 2 you will have to spend $41.79 of your hard earned dollars. Since you can unlock all of these in the game anyway, why not consider 20 different completely useless things to confuse your loved ones with when you die?
Let’s see what we can buy with the money instead.
A Bunch of 62 Overripe Bananas
At 67 cents each, you could bulk buy 62 bananas and give yourself a potassium overdose whilst trying to justify the purchase. Once eaten, you will have a once in a lifetime opportunity to terrorize a go kart track with the skins.
5 Blue Ticks For A Month
For 31 days you will be the king of the forever sinking ship that is X, with 5 different accounts able to spam MICROTRANSACTIONS IN BIO in the replies of your favorite tweets. Until Elon inevitably changes how it all works again.
Approximately £33.08
Nobody is quite sure what is happening in Britain, least of all the people who live there. If you exchanged your dollars for pounds the value would probably crash due to a scandal involving Earl Crumpet or something. The money you receive probably doesn’t even have the right monarch’s face on it. But this is how much you’d get.
A Dune 2 Popcorn Bucket (Used)
Thanks a lot, internet, your constant jokes that the Dune 2 popcorn bucket looks like a sex toy meant that loads of cinemas sold out of them. Now they are only available second hand at an extortionate rate, so using the plastic Shai-Hulud mouth as a fleshlight comes with even more health risks than usual.
2 Custom Name ‘Sophronia’ Baby Blankets
Apparently Sophronia is one of the rarest baby names in America, with less than 5 girls being born into that name in 2022. Why not hedge your bets on meeting 2 of them and giving them a blanket each?
Horse Armour on 16 Copies of Oblivion
Remember the original single player DLC fiasco? We do. The least those virtual long-dicked pricks could do would be to look grateful for their gold armor plating, but no, the landscape of gaming was made worse forever in order to give them protection from mudcrabs and they can’t even crack a smile.
“Mamas For DeSantis” T Shirt and Ron Desantis Golf Balls
Treat your Mom to a shirt commemorating the best presidential campaign we never had, and wow your Dad with two whole golf balls. With no money left over for mailing costs, this is an absolute steal!
Almost 2 Ouyas
Have you ever wanted to own a gray box that was at best a once-fun idea but now has no official servers or even a company attached to it? If you really put your mind to it you can get it connected in some sort of capacity, so knock yourself out if you really really want to play Amazing Frog the way it’s meant to be played.
A Maximum Of 4179 Wishes
Convert your dollars into pennies and head down to your local wishing well to bombard it with 4179 pieces of zinc! Use them wisely to wish for this cycle of video game discourse to never come up again.
8 Copies Of A 2020 Cat Calendar
Relive everyone’s favorite year over and over again! Remember the day everyone had to stay inside? It’s okay, these cats exist in a permanently frozen point in time where the generation-defining traumas are as unknown a concept to them as a day without pettings and cuddles!
36 Live Oysters
You don’t need 36 live oysters. You don’t have the capability to eat 36 live oysters. You don’t have the capacity to keep 36 live oysters refrigerated. Your mother was wrong – you are not capable of doing anything you put your mind to, because you are not capable of handling 36 live oysters. Stop thinking about the oysters.
3 Used Copies of Oysters: Recipes That Bring Home A Taste Of The Sea
What did I just tell you?
4 Copies of Dragon’s Dogma on PS3
If you were planning to buy every single microtransaction in Dragon’s Dogma 2, it is a reasonable assumption that you have played the original. But should you have 4 friends who want in on the action, why not give them a copy each? If you buy it new, you get to play the demo of the highly-anticipated Resident Evil 6 too!
Approximately £31.95
Ah, I did warn you, the value of the pound dropped again while you were reading this article, but in fairness nobody expected Earl Crumpet to be a notorious international animal kidnapper.
Vivek 2024 “Protect The Homeland First” Long Sleeve T-Shirt
The campaign shop of Vivek Ramaswamy’s 2024 election bid is a fascinating and disturbing place, and should be used as a historic document for ‘the first Republican primary where the candidates had access to ChatGPT’. Buy this shirt to let everyone know you are either someone with interesting political priorities or someone who goes down rabbit holes when researching satirical articles.
10% Of A Bored Ape
Turns out it is very difficult to just find ‘a website that sells those NFT Apes’ online, as any page just looks like a crappy Dark Web for babies. However, I think that $41.76 would buy you a tenth of a Bored Ape, which is even more useless than it was back when it was useless 2 years ago
4 ‘Worlds Greatest Dad’ Mugs
Buying 4 of these would either make it seem like you are overdoing it for one dad, or being incredibly disingenuous to four dads.
Approximately £41.76
It turns out that Earl Crumpet had captured the last remaining Northern Sportive Lemurs in the world and sold them back for billions, completely turning the UK’s economy around as well as your financial prospects. Well done Crumpet, I hope your prison cell is comfy.
Gifting The Complete Set of Dragon’s Dogma 2 Microtransaction To Someone On Reddit
They would probably try and kill you.
8 Lots Of The Hard Drive Patreon
Please. It’s only $5 a month for the lowest tier, and what would make for a better gift for your extended family then being able to support the kind of content that 100 years ago would have led to its writers being institutionalised.
VALDOSTA, GA — Platinum-ranked Rocket League player John Williamson released a response to recent accusations alleging he was angry during his most recent match, stating “lmfao im actually so chill right now.”
Featuring only lowercase letters, analysts have concluded from the response that there is literally no way he could have been mad and everyone is overreacting, actually.
“He kept typing in all caps to me, threatening my life and his own,” said Alex Stein, the aforementioned opponent. “But, once I asked him if he was mad, he basically just told me he wasn’t in all lower-case,” continued Alex, “which are obviously the most laid back and cool types of letters. I was really confused.”
“His Apple Watch detected that his heart rate was so high that it notified me in the middle of the night,” claims Dr. Merles, John’s primary care physician. “He wouldn’t respond, so I had to drive over. When I got there, John appeared from the outside to be enraged, punching his walls and screaming about ‘pixel hits.’ But, right before I was going to involuntarily sedate him, he turned, told me that he was actually completely calm, and it was actually me who was freaking out.”
Dr. Merles was able to provide John’s chart, giving definitive proof that he is the first human to ever experience every chemical and physiological indicator of anger and stress while miraculously remaining completely divorced from the emotion itself.
“It’s simply amazing that behind that facade of tears, pounding fists, heightened cortisol, and a biological impulse to kill others, there still rests some stoic oasis of serenity within John. It’s a legitimate medical miracle.”
At press time, Williamson released a response to critics by somehow rolling a joint and playing the bongos simultaneously.
The following notes are for our upcoming, March 28th, 2024 patch. It is scheduled to begin rolling out on console and PC at roughly 8AM EDT. With this patch players will also be able to play on the newest map, The Mill and try out the newest DLC character, Virginia.The patch will address the following issues:
The Texas Chain Saw Massacre Update Mar 28 PATCH NOTES
Tuned: Julie’s Proximity Aura
We have tuned Julie’s Proximity Aura
Her Proximity Aura radius is now slightly smaller, to match the other Victims
Tuned: Nancy’s Wait a Second Perk
We have tuned the perk Wait a Second
Victims who are ensnared in Nancy’s barbed wire will now wait 3/5/8 seconds before being able to remove it
Previously, Victims would have to wait 10/15/20 seconds to remove it
Changed: Credits Added for Cissy Jones and Michael Johnston
We added in credits for the Nancy and Danny characters
The amazing Cissy Jones does both voice acting and motion capture for Nancy
The talented Michael Johnston voices Danny
Fixed: Family Members Softlocked
We fixed the problem where Family members would get softlocked for the rest of a match if stunned while losing stamina
This fix applies to being stunned by a doorslam, barged by Leland, and sneak attacked
Fixed: Choose Fight Perk
We fixed an issue where Choose Fight at level 3 was not adding 5 seconds of stun duration at the end of a close encounter
This was previously fixed but came undone during the February 6th update
Fixed: Nicotero Chainsaw Audio on Leatherface Variants
We have fixed an issue where the unique Nicotero saw sound was incorrect when equipped on other Leatherface outfits
Now, when using the Nicotero saw on a non-Nicotero Leatherface, the correct audio will be present
Fixed: Lobby Timer Countdown Not Showing
We fixed a UI issue where players would not see the lobby timer during the 5 seconds before a match launches
Fixed: Lobby Timer Softlocking
We fixed an issue where players could get softlocked if the lobby timer UI did not trigger and they had the Settings menu open at the start of the match
Fixed: Makin’ Grandpa Proud
We have fixed the issue where Makin’ Grandpa Proud was not unlocking, however Makin’ Grandpa Proud will only unlock for base game maps, meaning that it will not unlock on Nancy’s House or The Mill
Fixed: Match Not Ending
We fixed an issue where games would sometimes not end after the last Victim was killed or disconnected
Fixed: Leland’s Star Sign Ability Description
We fixed an error in Leland’s Star Sign ability description which incorrectly stated, “Does not affect Leatherface”
This line has been removed
Fixed: Twinkle Toes Perk
We fixed an issue where Twinkle Toes was not functioning when Victims ran through bone charms at all levels
Twinkle Toes will now work as intended
Fixed: Stuck Spots on Nancy’s House
We fixed an issue where Victims would sometimes get stuck in a wall after jumping down a well on Nancy’s House leading to the North Tunnel
We fixed an issue where Victims would sometimes become stuck on a shelf after being hit off the ladder in Nancy’s Bedroom
Fixed: Family Members Stuck on Couch in Slaughterhouse
We fixed an issue where Family members would sometimes get stuck when picking up blood in the Cutting Room
The blood bucket has been moved to prevent Family members from becoming stuck
Fixed: Cook Padlocks
We fixed an issue where the unlock mini game would sometimes incorrectly remove the main lock instead of Cook’s padlock when placed on an already locked door/gate
This would prevent Cook from removing the padlock
Now when Victims attempt to unlock a door with Cook’s padlock placed on it, the first lock to be broken will be Cook’s padlock
Fixed: Nancy’s Stamina Bar Refill
We fixed an issue where Nancy’s stamina bar would sometimes refill without delay when the perk “Wait a Second” was equipped
Fixed: Users Experiencing Constant Rubberbanding
We fixed an issue where some players were experiencing rubberbanding during matches that would be brief in duration but consistent
Fixed: Players Softlocked After Disabling Crossplay
We fixed an issue where if players would disable crossplay while in a crossplay party the subsequent removal would sometimes result in becoming softlocked
Now disabling crossplay while in a crossplay lobby will still result in being kicked from the party, but players will no longer be softlocked
Fixed: Leatherface Spawn Point
We fixed an issue where Leatherface would sometimes spawn outside of the Basement
Fixed: Title Crash During Match Reconnect
We fixed an issue where Family members would sometimes experience a crash when attempting to reconnect to the match
Fixed: Danny Scream Audio During Opening Cutscene
We fixed an issue where if Danny was featured during the opening cutscene, Leland’s voice over would play
Now when Danny is featured in the opening cutscene, his correct voice over will be present
Fixed: HUD Not Displaying Correctly on HDD
We fixed an issue where Player’s HUD would not display properly when installed on an HDD
Fixed: Generator Interaction Prompt
We fixed an issue where Victim players were able to turn off the generator from the side, resulting in the ability to bypass traps
Now Victims will not be able to start the interaction when standing on the side of the generator
Fixed: Lobby Crash on Slaughterhouse
We fixed an issue where Lobbies would sometimes crash when a Family Member attacked a Victim climbing down the ladder on the side of the Tool Storage
Fixed: Blood Glow on Slaughterhouse
We fixed an issue where blood would sometimes have a yellow shine in the Leatherface’s Lair area
Now blood will not shine and correctly show red in color
The Mill will be free to all players. Virginia will cost $9.99 USD.To report any and all existing or persistent issues, please use the support site.Thanks for your continued support and patience! Keep the conversation going on our official subreddit, r/TXChainSawGame, Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.
Today's update for Horizon Forbidden West Complete Edition on PC includes crash fixes, various bug fixes, and improvements based on player feedback.
Since the launch of the game last week, we've been closely monitoring our crash reporting system and investigating crashes submitted through our support channel. This patch includes several crash fixes and changes to further improve stability.
We've also fixed several bugs, including one that prevented players from claiming rewards at the Hunting Grounds when using mouse and keyboard controls. This patch also fixes the HDR Max Luminance slider and enables DLSS 3 Frame Generation during cutscenes. Check out the release notes below for more details.
The teams at Nixxes and Guerrilla continue to closely monitor player feedback. We are aware of other issues raised by the community and are actively working on future patches with further bug fixes and optimizations.
2024 is a presidential election year in the US, and as always, Americans are less than thrilled about only having two candidates to choose from. While there’s obviously some political differentiation between the one white man in his 70s and the other white man in his 80s, the pickings are rather slim.
If you find yourself wishing you had a few more options, well — you’re in good company. There are actually a ton of great leaders (all dead) who would have at least made the competition interesting.
From all-powerful dictators to democratically elected politicians to even more all-powerful dictators, here’s a ranked list of how well the leaders from Civ VI would do in the 2024 US presidential election.
77. Lautaro
Coming in dead last: Lautaro. The guy’s got a major baby face and is giving strong millennial vibes. Conservative media outlets would run wild with a “How much money does Lautaro spend on avocado toast?” story that would unfortunately destroy his candidacy in its infancy. Plus, I’m not sure how long he could get away with not wearing a shirt to the debates.
76. Menelik II
A quick glance into those crazy yellow eyes and you can tell Menelik II is revving up to fire off one of those Howard Dean “YAAAAAA!!” screams after he gets 3rd place in Iowa — and we all know how that went. Plus, he won’t stop saying “The hills are mine,” and I don’t think the voters in Appalachia are going to love that sentiment.
75. Basil II
American politicians seem to get off on ending speeches with “May God protect our troops,” but Basil II takes the religious thing a bit too far. You can tell by the look on his face that he refuses to have ANY fun, at all. At least go to a Midwestern county fair and flip a burger or something, my guy. What’s the point of creating a Super PAC if you’re not going to get mauled in the press for flying on private jets?
74. Nader Shah
Nader Shah’s got a couple of things going for him — he wants to standardize coinage and he’s super invested in the success of the military. However, he’s literally so paranoid he has his own son blinded, which doesn’t go over super well with, well, all parents. Enough people still see him as a “strong leader” and a “no-nonsense guy” who “goes with his gut” that he makes it up a few spaces on the list.
73. Kristina
The truth is, Kristina would probably be way too smart to run for President. You’d think she’d get a ton of support as a well-educated marksman who doesn’t mind wearing men’s clothing, but unfortunately, Fox News is going to run a hit piece on her claiming she’s “indoctrinating our children.” Thankfully, Kristina will completely ignore it as she’s quite certain the anchors over there are not “fellow lovers of learning.”
72. Catherine de Medici (Black Queen)
She may have proven herself to be a great Queen Regent — but unfortunately, she’s French, and that’s just not gonna cut it in an American election.
71. Catherine de Medici (Magnificence)
Sadly still French, but ranks higher because of her cool mask.
70. Eleanor of Aquitaine (France)
French, but blonde.
69. Yongle
Ordering the death of all your enemies and having your own secret police is definitely not going to go over well on either side of the aisle. Plus, Yongle’s claim to fame is an encyclopedia he ordered a bunch of people to create that I’m pretty sure could be put together by AI in about 40 seconds. Cool hat, though.
68. Wu Zetian
There’s a very small subset of annoying evangelicals who are going to be absolutely thrilled when she says she plans to ban OnlyFans under the guise of “protecting women.” Unfortunately, those 15 people won’t be nearly enough to get her anywhere close to the White House. She’s going to drop out before the primaries start and move to Utah.
67. Peter
It’s great that Peter can brag about how he modernized Russian culture and politics and made education compulsory. But the man put a tax on beards. BEARDS. You tax beards, you’ve lost both the left and the right. From the redneck hunters and incel chinless to the Kelce Brothers and Jason Momoa — it’s not happening, Mister Mustache.
66. Bà Triệu
Bà Triệu murdered her own sister-in-law and basically spun up her own army! Unfortunately, we do not respect strong women in this country, and when she says she wants to “serve the people” it turns out she’s just going to end up serving time.
65. Tokugawa
Nobody cares if you’re a brilliant military strategist if your methodology for staying in power is to completely close the borders and isolate everyone. Americans require access to K-Pop, Shein, and the Great British Bake Off. You take those away, Tokugawa, and not only will you not be President, but you’re going to have to leave the country (and good luck doing that if the borders are closed).
64. Harald Hardrada (Konge)
Harald Hardrada’s biggest platform is the need for a strong Navy. He literally won’t talk about anything else and goes insane over the islands being built in the South China Sea. He sails off the coast of the Pacific right after Super Tuesday and is never heard from again.
63. Jadwiga
Jadwiga is part of the Moms for Liberty group and is trying to implement a book ban in her local school district even though she doesn’t have kids. She doesn’t have a shot at the Presidency but would probably be able to take out Ron DeSantis if she moves to Florida. She’s also just about to get served in a lawsuit from former students of the unaccredited Krakow Academy.
62. Wilhelmina
Folks generally seem to like Wilhelmina, but there’s no escaping the “Why were you neutral during World War I?” assault that’s going to be fired at her from every journalist at every news outlet. Eventually, she’ll give up and flee to England, though supporters will keep wearing “We Heart Wilhelmina” shirts for a few more years.
61. Genghis Khan
Genghis Khan gets a lot of support from conservatives for being incredibly brutal before he admits he’s planning to do away with inherited titles. The ultra-high net wealth crew that said they’d fund his campaign will almost immediately back out, leaving him penniless. (They’ll also learn that they don’t actually enjoy seeing their enemies boiled alive, anyway.)
60. Qin Shi Huang (Unifier)
Republicans get wildly fired up over the fact that Qin Shi Huang wants to build a Great Wall, even if they’re the ones paying for it. He’s burning books, executing scholars, and the crowds are going wild. However, his desire to standardize everything down to the length of cart axles is problematic. There’s no way he’s going to let people keep driving those gigantic F-350s on his streets. Cries of “government overreach!” end his campaign fairly quickly.
59. Shaka
Shaka is basically running on a “give the military all our money” platform. He’d actually have a great shot at a cabinet position like Secretary of Defense, except for when he goes completely off the rails after his mom dies and demands a bunch of people and animals be executed so that everyone can be as sad as him. Democrats will call him a monster and Republicans will call him a crybaby.
58. Wilfred Laurier
Wilfred Laurier is way too moderate to pull any voters from either side, and constantly gets accused of flip-flopping. Plus, that last name is dangerously French.
57. Frederick Barbarossa
Frederick Barbarossa comes out of the gate swinging. He’s stubborn as they come and doesn’t mind doing a little bribing when he can get away with it. However, he won’t stop holding a grudge against his political rivals and burns out pretty fast during Barbarossagate when he’s found recording their private conversations.
56. Montezuma
Democrats are super excited about Montezuma’s push to get rid of private prisons until they find out it’s because he plans to sacrifice every convicted criminal on an altar in the name of the harvest. Some folks never get over the “Montezuma’s Revenge” joke so he does manage to garner a fair amount of support from the “God gives his worst tummy aches to his toughest soldiers crowd,” but that’s not nearly enough to win anything.
55. Poundmaker
Poundmaker actually has some fantastic ideas, but he’s so obsessed with keeping the peace he can’t seem to give a speech where it doesn’t sound like he’s endorsing his political rivals.
54. Ambiorix
Ambiorix is a darling of conservatives. He won’t stop talking about building mines and keeps saying stuff like “bring back clean coal” and “beautiful black lungs,” and gets super aggressive if he’s questioned about it. He only wins West Virginia and then disappears on a 3 month-long hunting trip.
53. Dido
Dido’s likely to have the money to finance her own campaign, which wins her a lot of support on the trail. She’s actually super excited about climate change because she’s going to be poised to settle all her coastal cities in about 20 years when the country is underwater. However, she talks a lot about her humble beginnings as a refugee, and that goes over terribly with the “Here comes the caravan!” crowd.
52. Pachacuti
Pachacuti is both a songwriter and a prolific builder! Okay King! This is definitely up Americans’ alley. The problems arise for Pachacuti when people start realizing he’s married all of his supporters into his royal family and every person at his rallies is some kind of glorified nepo baby.
51. João III
The fact that he’s big on furthering trade might get João III pretty far. But when he says “We both know the sweet melancholy of the sea” to Wolf Blitzer during an interview, people start worrying about this emo sailor’s mental health. He’s forced to drop out and start therapy, and make a statement that no one should be afraid to ask for help.
50. Gitarja
People are enthralled by the drama of her coming into power because her brother was murdered by his physician after seducing the guy’s wife. Gitarja loves the coastal shores and gets a lot of support in the South, but not a single Southerner can pronounce Tribhuwannottunggadewi Jayawishnuwardhani so it’s really tough to get any grassroots action going.
49. Harald Hardrada (Varangian)
This guy makes a lot of promises about how much loot he can provide for a guy who’s clearly stoned. Harald Hardrada manages to rile up a very small but staunch group of supporters who sail off, get lost in the Atlantic, and then get arrested trying to pillage Myrtle Beach.
48. Jayaraman VII
Overall, people like the idea of Jayaraman VII’s public works programs — that is, until he mentions he plans to put a rest stop every 15km without realizing Americans don’t know what a kilometer is. Plus, people get up in arms when he mentions he wants to use their tax dollars to build temples in honor of his parents instead of Jesus. Out before the primaries.
47. Ludwig II
Unfortunately, America just isn’t ready for a gay President who spends the entirety of our GDP on building pretty fairytale castles.
46. Teddy Roosevelt (Bull Moose)
Congratulations on creating an entirely new party for yourself in an election year after losing the primary, Teddy Roosevelt! This is truly a massive feat of ego, sir. But America is, sadly, a two-party country, and there’s absolutely no way this is going to go well, election-wise.
45. Cleopatra (Ptolemaic)
The internet cannot get enough of the drama surrounding the mysterious poisonings amongst Cleopatra’s campaign staff, but it eventually starts becoming more suspicious than fun. The constant investigations force her to spend all her campaign money defending herself in court.
44. Saladin (Sultan)
Republicans are stoked about the religious wars Saladin keeps spinning up until they realize it’s against Christians. They freak out that he’s trying to “take the Christ out of Christmas,” and the internet is overrun with videos of conservatives losing their minds outside a Hallmark Store when the cashier wishes them “Happy Holidays.”
43. Saladin (Vizier)
Same story, except that a (very) small number of Americans remember the term “Vizier” as being Jafar’s title in Aladdin, and that kind of nostalgia is something they can get behind.
42. Kublai Khan (Mongolia)
Supporters are generally pretty content with the fact that Kublai Khan loves paper money and encourages trade. But Americans are nothing if not superstitious, and the fact that his naval fleet gets ~magically~ destroyed by two separate storms has the boys a little weirded out.
41. Nzinga Mbande
Nzinga Mbande’s massive push for decolonization pretty quickly gains a foothold among progressives, but she’s a little too patriotic for them to actually feel good about supporting her. The only time they truly feel comfortable shouting “USA! USA!” is when Simone Biles is doing a routine on the balance beam.
40. Suleiman (Kanuni)
Suleiman actually seems to care if people are happy with their lives, but that unfortunately seems to come in second to his constant need for conquest. Ultimately his wild paranoia era in which he has his advisors and sons killed does his campaign in. Cool hat, though.
39. Cyrus
Cyrus manages to get fairly broad support since he’s pretty tolerant of religions and cultures, yet seems very supportive of states’ rights. People dig him until they tire of his obsession with marrying Tomyris. Democrats think he needs to learn no means no, and Republicans think he needs to learn not to be a beta.
38. Tomyris
Sadly, Tomyris herself gets brought down by being tied up in the Cyrus drama. Everyone gets a firsthand look at her honor code when she asks Cyrus if he wants to “take things outside” during a debate and then gets out her calendar to force him to book a time and place right there on national television. She manages to win out, but the whole thing just leaves a bad taste in everybody’s mouth.
37. Matthias Corvinus
Matthias Corvinus manages to get quite a wide swath of support early on — conservatives love his obsession with the military, while liberals are happy that he’s a patron of humanists. However, his plan to stop Congresspeople from trading stocks means he rapidly loses support among fellow politicians, and he can’t get an endorsement to save his life.
36. Suleiman (Muhteşem)
Suleiman has support because he has built some pretty cool shrines and schools, and people are enjoying them. When his secret pen name is leaked along with his poetry, everyone completely forgets about his politics. The left calls him “Poet Zaddy” while the right starts a conspiracy that he’s gay. He drops out of the race but does sell some poetry books through an independent publisher.
35. Kublai Khan (China)
Americans love political families, and Kublai Khan being Genghis Khan’s grandson definitely wins him support. However, starting a war with Vietnam can only win the heart of so many Americans.
34. Cleopatra (Egyptian)
The “will they”/“won’t they” thing with Julius Caesar is super entertaining to the American public for a while, until it’s clear that it’s a “won’t.” Her “Get ready with me for a day on the Nile” eyeliner instructional videos become fairly popular though, so she never quite fades into obscurity.
33. Gilgamesh
Gilgamesh drives cross country in his “war cart,” aka his GMC Sierra 2500 with flags mounted in the truck bed. Conservatives go nuts for this guy until they realize he’s super into literature, which is a huge turn-off for them.
32. Sundiata Keita
Unfortunately, Sundiata Keita has a reputation for being very ugly, which is something Americans cannot abide. Our politicians have to look at least passable in 4K unless they are wearing terrible orange bronzer.
31. Amanitore
Progressives adore her construction and restoration projects, however, she’s too far to the left to pull even a single moderate vote. To be fair, she once nuked my Capitol after I stole a couple of her cities through disloyalty, so she’s probably being heavily underestimated.
30. Lady Six Sky
Republicans adore the fact that she’s led several successful military campaigns, but her love for 15-minute cities drives them all away.
29. Mvemba a Nzinga
Mvemba a Nzinga gains a ton of support from liberals for his platform of creating affordable housing and condemning the slave trade in Kongo, but it won’t last once they realize he never actually gets farther than enacting a royal committee to “look into” the status of slaves.
28. Pericles
Liberals love Pericles! Especially because he’s so adamant about protecting democracy. Plus he plans to raise the pay for jury duty and give everyone free access to the theater. But in a cruel twist of fate, Pericles dies during a plague. A little too on the nose, if you ask me.
27. Qin Shi Huang (Mandate of Heaven)
Liberals are eager to get behind Qin Shi Huang and his infrastructure projects, but the book-burning stuff sends them all running for the hills. Cool hat, though.
26. Victoria (Age of Steam)
Victoria’s got a lot going for her — creating infrastructure like a sewage system to get the liberals interested and having wars on distant shores for the conservatives. Sadly, America is not yet ready for its first goth president.
25. Gandhi
Americans love a good nickname, so it’s great that Gandhi lets his friends call him Bapu. He seems competent which gets him some early support, but Americans cannot comprehend the concept of a hunger strike. He has to drop out of the race because he can’t stop for ice cream at a mom ‘n’ pop shop in middle America.
24. Phillip II
Phillip II is a nepo baby who built himself a massive empire simply by inheriting a massive empire from his father. It’s easy for him to keep funding a campaign no matter how much support he actually has. He’s a big believer in the Divine Right of Kings — that is, that God made him King, and since God makes no mistakes, neither can he. His entire campaign is spent trying to prove that presidents should be immune to any and all prosecution. Unfortunately, only one presidential candidate is allowed to do this at a time, so he’s out.
23. Hojo Tokimune
Americans go absolutely crazy when Hojo Tokimune calls upon a magical divine wind to destroy enemy ships and it actually works. His supporters start bringing copies of The Secret for him to sign at rallies. But he’s a little too restrictive under bushido — a capitalist country doesn’t do “frugality,” my friend. Nobody wants to be judged for buying an $80,000 car, Super Bowl tickets, or 300 Stanley Cups.
22. Kupe
Obviously, Kupe snags a ton of female voters up front because of his looks. His focus on the environment means he ends up representing the Green Party, so there’s no way he’s gonna get enough votes to win. Al Gore stumps for him, though. Choice.
21. Seondeok
Liberals love Seondeok for her welfare policies and investments in schools, while conservatives love that she’s cramming religion into all state affairs. But she just seems to make too many alliances, which is problematic for America’s military-industrial complex. If every country is America’s friend, who will we invade for oil?
20. Chandragupta
Chandragupta is a major supporter of veterans, decking out his soldiers in finery and providing them with servants. But his “October surprise” is a leaked text referring to Justin Trudeau as a “stench” too close to the US’s borders, and it’s going to tank his campaign right before the election.
19. Tamar
A forward-thinking patron of the arts and cultures, Tamar is also a staunch defender of the US. She even has a big enough ego to demand her face be put on coins. What’s not to like? Well, she divorced her husband for being a drunk and then refused all marriage proposals for the rest of her life because she believed men were problematic. She’s not wrong, but America’s not ready to hear that.
18. Sejong
Sejong gains support quickly by commissioning scientific studies on gunpowder and farming, standardizing a currency and script, and supporting infrastructure and art. His downfall? Pushing for implementation of maternity leave. That goes against the capitalist heart of America. Lobbyists will find a way to destroy this man, whatever it takes.
17. Teddy Roosevelt (Rough Rider)
Somehow, racist Teddy Roosevelt still seems to rank fairly highly in the history of American Presidents. Mr. Manifest Destiny managed to enact direct taxation, and labor reforms and cared about the environment. But there’s no way a massive gaffe doesn’t end his campaign. Somebody, somewhere, has a picture of Teddy Roosevelt in blackface — and that’ll be the end of that.
16. Simón Bolívar
Everything seems pretty cool with Simón Bolívar at first — he’s well educated, and is focused on retaining independence — and then he starts declaring himself Dictator. Surprisingly, about half of Americans are not at all bothered by this (or his mini-mutton chops). Even the media seems to handle it flippantly. Ultimately, his campaign ends when he catches tuberculosis after refusing to be vaccinated.
15. Ramses II
Somebody’s been drinking Haley Beiber’s Strawberry Glaze Skin Smoothie from Erewhon! Ramses is extremely arrogant and obsessed with military conquests, so I’m sure you’re wondering why he ranked this high. Well, he was on the throne for 7 decades and lived well into his 90s, and that carries a lot of weight in a gerontocracy. Americans love to see someone in office until they’re about to crumble to dust before our very eyes.
14. Victoria (Age of Empires)
With a bit more imperialistic vibe, Victoria ranks herself higher. She makes nonstop speeches about America being “the greatest country in the world,” and her social work actually backs that statement up. However, folks are a bit uncomfortable about her seeming to get off on the constant attempts on her life. After she releases a statement that it’s “worth being shot at—to see how much one is loved,” the only people left supporting her are the “Would you still love me if I was a worm?” girlfriends.
13. Eleanor of Aquitaine (UK)
The “Court of Love” schtick gets her surprisingly far, especially as she touts the concept of chivalry. People are thrilled to get behind her, but when they realize her platform is just “fill up all our museums with stuff,” they get a bit bored. She is asked to speak at the Democratic convention, though.
12. Abraham Lincoln
Been there, done that, killed the guy. Republicans would immediately jump on the Abraham Lincoln bandwagon, claiming he’s “one of them,” until they actually sat down and listened to him speak about states’ rights. His speeches are great but they’re so long his social media team has to upload them into 8-part TikToks that no young voters actually want to watch, so he can never really garner enough support.
11. Elizabeth I
The Silent Generation stans this capitalist Queen! She’s focused on finance, investing in private companies, reformation — all their favorite stuff. However, she’s not shy about calling herself “The Virgin Queen,” and there’s absolutely no way she’s going to win the presidency without some kind of husband/beard.
10. John Curtin
Americans will put a lot of weight behind a guy who pulled himself up by his bootstraps and has a cool accent. But early in his career, John Curtin was part of the Victorian Socialist Party, which was a Marxist organization, and proudly saying the name “Marx” is campaign suicide in America. He was also a pretty heavy drinker, which Americans are actually pretty cool with unless you go into the hospital and force them to evaluate their own lives.
9. Hammurabi
Hammurabi gets a lot of support from liberals who love his passion for science, and a lot of support from conservatives who think he’s the guy that developed Hamm’s. Unfortunately, the US hasn’t elected a president with a beard since Benjamin Harrison in 1889, so Hammy’s not gonna make it across the finish line.
8. Robert the Bruce
Americans will start every conversation about Robert the Bruce by asking, “Have you seen Braveheart? This guy was appointed by William Wallace. That’s the guy played by Mel Gibson!” He gets a fair amount of support for successfully winning Scottish independence, but people won’t stop asking him to yell “FREEDOM!” at every campaign stop. Eventually, he grows tired of it, and drops out of the race to live a life out of the public eye on a golf course.
7. Theodora
Growing up as the daughter of a bear trainer before moving into cheerleading, Theodora absolutely has the admiration of the American public. However, conservatives and moderates will be completely scandalized after someone leaks an old video of her working in a brothel to the press.
6. Mansa Musa
Americans are completely obsessed with billionaires, and Mansa Musa would be no different. The problem? He’s doing too much good with his money by bringing in scholars, artists, and expanding the country’s influence. I just don’t think Americans can have any respect for a billionaire who doesn’t have 6 yachts, hair plugs, and 2 open cases with the NLRB.
5. Alexander
Alexander starts out strong by swearing he’s extremely focused on internal policy but is absolutely going to get the US into 12 more conflicts in the Middle East. Once people see his lack of negotiating skills while he’s filmed trying to haggle at his local gun shop — plus the fact that he won’t shut up about being “descended from the Gods,” he’s out.
4. Pedro II
Pedro II is a middle-of-the-road guy who has support from both sides of the aisle, but not enough to win either party’s nomination. He mounts a write-in campaign, but since his full name is Pedro de Alcântara João Carlos Leopoldo Salvador Bebiano Francisco Xavier de Paula Leocádio Miguel Gabriel Rafael Gonzaga, no one’s ever really sure how many votes he got.
3. Gorgo
Women will be calling Gorgo “Mother” on TikTok within 5 minutes of her announcing her presidential run. She’s smart, outspoken, and is serving lewks on her chariot as she cruises through all 50 states. She’d actually be a great president, but she’s a woman, so she can’t be higher than number 3.
2. Julius Caesar
Julius Caesar is for sure getting the Republican nomination with poignant quotes like “A victorious army is one led by a victor.” Wow! How meaningful. He’s likely to have won a previous election and will get dangerously close to winning this one as well. Why are people still supporting Caesar after he drove his armies across the river Rubicon?? Does anyone have tabs on Brutus?
1. Trajan
In the number one spot: Trajan. He’s got a full head of gray hair, and as we’ve already established, age is the number one factor in getting ahead in American elections. He also holds extremely broad appeal as he manages to give handouts to orphans and plebes while simultaneously putting on a 3-month death parade at the Colosseum. A little something for everybody!
Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Mar 29.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.
A domain, sphere, or territory, often conceptual or figurative, where certain activities, ideas, or entities exist or operate. It can also denote a kingdom, or sphere of influence, whether literal or metaphorical.
Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter
The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“M”
Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter
The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“L”
Wordle Hint Today Third Letter
The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“A”
Wordle Hint Today Second Letter
The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“E”
Wordle Hint Today First Letter
The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“R”
Today’s Wordle Answer
And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 589 days straight! So here goes nothing:
The action of being bitten or pricked by an insect, typically resulting in pain, swelling, or irritation at the site of the bite; past tense and past participle form.
Wordle #1011 For March 26, 2024
“MAYOR“
The elected or appointed head of a municipal government, typically responsible for overseeing the administration and governance of a city or town.
Wordle #1010 For March 25, 2024
“SALLY“
A sudden charge out of a besieged place against the enemy; to set out from a place to engage in a venture or activity.
It can also mean a witty remark or a quick, energetic action.
A female given name.
Wordle #1009 For March 24, 2024
“TOWEL“
A piece of absorbent fabric or paper used for drying or wiping oneself or objects.
Wordle #1008 For March 23, 2024
“RISEN“
A verb that means to move from a lower position to a higher one, to ascend, or to become higher in level, position, or status; past participle form.
Wordle #1007 For March 22, 2024
“DECAY“
The gradual deterioration or decomposition of something over time.
Wordle #1006 For March 21, 2024
“SHADE“
The darkness created by an object blocking the light from the sun or a source of light.
Wordle #1005 For March 20, 2024
“LINGO“
A specialized or informal vocabulary used by a particular group, profession, or community.
Wordle #1004 For March 19, 2024
“ABIDE“
To accept or act in accordance with a rule, decision, or recommendation; to tolerate or endure something.
Wordle #1003 For March 18, 2024
“SPELT“
To recite, write, or form words with letters in the correct order; past tense and past participle of that verb.
Wordle #1002 For March 17, 2024
“SNORT“
To forcefully inhale air through the nose, often audibly, as a reflex action or to clear the nasal passages, and sometimes in the context of narcotics.
Wordle #1001 For March 16, 2024
“TOXIN“
A harmful substance produced by living organisms, such as bacteria, fungi, plants, or animals, that can cause damage to cells, tissues, or organs when ingested, inhaled, or otherwise absorbed into the body.
Wordle #1000 For March 15, 2024
“ERUPT“
To burst or break out suddenly and violently, especially in terms of a volcano releasing lava, ash, and gases.
Wordle #999 For March 14, 2024
“SINCE“
A point in time from which something has continued or developed; the starting point of a period of time.
Wordle #998 For March 13, 2024
“LOCAL“
Something that is nearby, or in the immediate vicinity, as opposed to being widespread or global. Or a person who resides in a particular area or community.
Wordle #997 For March 12, 2024
“HEAVE“
To lift, haul, or throw a heavy object with great effort. Also used to describe when a chest rises and falls rhythmically or spasmodically as if struggling to breathe.
Wordle #996 For March 11, 2024
“PESKY“
An adjective used informally to describe something or someone annoying, bothersome, or causing minor but persistent trouble or irritation.
Wordle #995 For March 10, 2024
“GRASP“
As a noun: a firm hold or grip.
As a verb: to understand or to comprehend something.
Wordle #994 For March 9, 2024
“CHEER“
As a verb, to express happiness or encouragement, oftentimes with a loud shout, slogan, or acclamation.
Wordle #993 For March 8, 2024
“EARLY“
An adjective that refers to something occurring or done before the expected, usual, or appointed time.
Wordle #992 For March 7, 2024
“CLONE“
Produce genetically identical copies of an organism, typically through asexual reproduction or by using biotechnological methods.
Wordle #991 For March 6, 2024
“TEARY“
An adjective that describes someone who is shedding a bodily fluid from their eyes, often as a result of sadness, emotion, or sensitivity.
Wordle #990 For March 5, 2024
“HUNCH“
A noun that refers to a feeling, intuition, or instinctive guess about something, often without any logical explanation or evidence.
A verb that means to bend or stoop forward, typically due to discomfort, fatigue, or cold.
Wordle #989 For March 4, 2024
“FLAME“
The highly visible, brightly glowing, and often flickering component of a fire.
Wordle #988 For March 3, 2024
“STATE“
As a noun: a political entity with defined geographical boundaries, a permanent population, and a government.
Wordle #987 For March 2, 2024
“URBAN“
The social, cultural, and economic aspects of city life, as opposed to rural living.
Wordle #986 For March 1, 2024
“FORTY“
A numeric value that can be arrived at by multiplying four by ten.
Wordle #985 For February 29, 2024
“IMAGE“
A visual representation or depiction of something, typically produced by photography, painting, drawing, or digital means.
Wordle #984 For February 28, 2024
“DEVIL“
A supernatural being, often depicted as evil, malevolent, or the adversary of God.
Wordle #983 For February 27, 2024
“SENSE“
As a noun, any of the five faculties through which stimuli from the external world are received and perceived: sight, hearing, taste, smell, and touch.
Wordle #982 For February 26, 2024
“OFTEN“
An adverb that indicates frequency or regularity of occurrence.
Wordle #981 For February 25, 2024
“SMITH“
A common surname of English origin.
A person who works with skill and craftsmanship in the creation of various objects.
Wordle #980 For February 24, 2024
“PIPER“
A musician who plays the bagpipes, a traditional wind instrument.
Wordle #979 For February 23, 2024
“APART“
Separate or detached from something else; not connected or joined together.
Wordle #978 For February 22, 2024
“HEAVY“
Used as an adjective to indicate having great weight; difficult to lift, move, or carry due to mass or density.
Wordle #977 For February 21, 2024
“BUILD“
Used as a verb most commonly: to construct, assemble, or create something, such as a structure, or object.
Wordle #976 For February 20, 2024
“MATCH“
To be equal or corresponding to something else in quality, quantity, or significance.
Wordle #975 For February 19, 2024
“PRICE“
The amount of money or value that must be paid or exchanged to acquire goods or services.
Wordle #974 For February 18, 2024
“RIDGE“
A long, narrow, elevated area of land that forms a crest or a continuous line along the top of a mountain, or hill.
Wordle #973 For February 17, 2024
“PSALM“
A sacred song or hymn, typically from a specific titular Biblical book, which is a collection of religious poems and prayers found in the Old Testament of the Bible.
Wordle #972 For February 16, 2024
“STASH“
As a noun: a secret or hidden supply of something, typically valuable or desirable items.
As a verb: to hide or store something away, often for future use or for safekeeping.
Wordle #971 For February 15, 2024
“ASCOT“
A type of necktie or cravat that is typically worn with formal attire. It consists of a narrow strip of fabric that is folded over and tied in a manner similar to a scarf, with the ends tucked into the collar of a shirt.
LOS ANGELES – After Cities: Skylines 2 announced the release of its first paid DLC expansion, Ben Shapiro assured unhappy players that they can always get rid of their new beachfront properties if water starts rising on the coast.
“This is something I have been asked about numerous times in the past and I will continue to maintain a firm stance on,” stated a flustered Shapiro, sipping on a foul-smelling coffee-like beverage. “I own multiple condos and houses across the coasts of California and New York, and my plan has always been to get the heck outta dodge as soon as things start to go south. The second I feel water reach my knees, I am leaving everything and everyone behind and listing the property on Zillow.”
“Why wouldn’t players simply get rid of their houses if this so-called global warming were to miraculously cause the oceans to rise?” Shapiro continued. “Do you honestly think players are so dumb that they would simply leave their computers running overnight as the Indian Ocean swallowed up their properties? No! They will simply select and delete these locations and start somewhere better than California, somewhere like the great freedom-loving state of Florida.”
Cities: Skylines 2 fan Jared Booker disagreed with Shapiro’s take.
“I paid $10 for like 6 buildings and 4 trees. And what am I supposed to do if they finally include global warming in a future DLC pack? How am I supposed to ask for a refund after I’ve already had this installed for a few years? And it’s not like I can actually pawn the game off on someone else. Nobody wants a house that’s halfway underwater.”
Carrie Roberts, a representative from Paradox Order, was surprised to find the company aligned with Shapiro.
“He’s right,” Roberts said. “I hate to say it, but everyone should definitely buy this DLC. There’s nothing to worry about going forward. In the game, of course. In reality? Coastal cities are definitely going to flood. But that’s as far as I can go here. And for the record, we don’t agree with Ben Shapiro on literally anything else. Anything else. Please don’t put that we agree with Ben Shapiro.”
At press time, Shapiro was seen ranting about how wokeness is not only ruining video games but geography as well.
