James Kineen, Author at Hard Drive

Every NFL Starting Quarterback’s Favorite Video Game (2024 Edition)

Posted on September 9, 2024 by Kyle Duggan

Last year, we took a peek at the favorite video games of every NFL quarterback. You might think that not much can change in a year, but you’d be wrong. So much has changed. We took the time and effort to check back in with every starting QB in the league and see what they’re playing this year. This isn’t some lazy Madden release where we only tweak the interface a little bit and charge you full price, either. It’s a completely new experience. Check it out.

Arizona Cardinals — Kyler Murray: Unknown

You might think this one would be obvious, but I’m a journalist, so I had to hear it from a primary source. When I asked Murray what his favorite game was, a swarm of Cardinals staff materialized around me and escorted me off of team property. I am no longer welcome at State Farm Stadium.

Atlanta Falcons — Kirk Cousins: Stormgate

We learned last year that Cousins was big into Starcraft II, but that’s no longer the case. Apparently, he switched to Stormgate after the developers assured him that it would be the RTS of the future and that he would be playing it for years to come.

Baltimore Ravens — Lamar Jackson: The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker

Underappreciated when it debuted due to its unconventional style, time has shown The Wind Waker to be one of the best games in the series. Still, it occasionally makes inexplicable decisions (Eight Triforce Charts? Come on, man!) that can somewhat sour the experience.

Buffalo Bills — Josh Allen: Valorant

Valorant is a fine hero shooter. It does a lot of things really well. If you had been playing a lot of mediocre games right before trying it, I’m sure it would feel like a breath of fresh air. But I think NFL players were correct when they voted it the most overrated game of 2020.

Carolina Panthers — Bryce Young: No Man’s Sky

After a disastrous rookie season, Young is trying to re-center himself by playing a game that also got off to a rough start. He says it made him realize that one day, with lots of hard work, he might be, “pretty good if you can get it on sale,” too.

Chicago Bears — Caleb Williams: Naruto Shippuden: Ultimate Ninja Storm 3 Full Burst

Are you really surprised? Look at this guy. He’s definitely been up until 3 o’clock in the morning looking for a pirate site that has a good fansub.

Cincinnati Bengals — Joe Burrow: Super Mario RPG

You really think he hurt his wrist last year? Get real. He needed time to do a full playthrough of the SNES original, then the remake with the updated soundtrack, then the remake again with the original soundtrack. Bengals fans should be worried about reinjury when Mario & Luigi: Brothership releases in November.

Cleveland Browns — Deshaun Watson: Star Citizen

While he says he’s never played the game, Watson notes that he can’t help but, “respect the grift.”

Dallas Cowboys — Dak Prescott: RoboCop: Rogue City

Prescott will passionately discuss Robocop: Rogue City at any opportunity. He’ll go on and on about how it was one of the best games of 2023, and yet no one really talks about it. His eyes kind of glaze over into a thousand-yard-stare the longer he talks about it.

Denver Broncos — Bo Nix: Shower With Your Dad Simulator 2015

Nix noted that coach Sean Payton had introduced him to the game, and subsequently “encouraged” him to play it as frequently as possible. When asked, Payton noted that Nix has become a very skilled player, adding that the rookie, “doesn’t even get distracted by the other dads.”

Detroit Lions — Jared Goff: Cities: Skylines II

After Goff kept hearing about how he was helping the city of Detroit get back on its feet, he decided to see how good he would be at actually building a city. He reports that he especially loves the game’s ever-present tooltips.

Green Bay Packers — Jordan Love: The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom

Love is constantly talking about all of the new things that Tears of the Kingdom introduced on top of Breath of the Wild’s world. If you try to argue that it owes a lot to the game that came directly before it, he’ll point out that Tears added a full underworld as well as islands in the sky to the world map. Don’t try saying that the Depths are kind of boring and pointless after a while, or that Breath was a more cohesive experience. He’ll throw a full-on tantrum.

Houston Texans — C.J. Stroud: Astro Bot

The second-year quarterback is adamant that the Playstation title will go down as the greatest 3D platformer of all time, despite the fact that it’s a new franchise. Whenever anyone brings up Mario, he says that the plumber was, “playing a different game.”

Indianapolis Colts — Anthony Richardson: MultiVersus

Richardson was a vocal fan of the game’s “relaunch” strategy. “Even after a few hiccups, I think it was good that MultiVersus got a chance to reintroduce itself,” he said.

Jacksonville Jaguars — Trevor Lawrence: Halo Infinite

In 2024, it’s hard to deny that Halo Infinite was a disappointment. While some fans were initially optimistic—to the point of falling into a weird Stockholm syndrome and pretending it was good upon release—most have given up hope. Not Lawrence, who says he still thinks it’s still a generational game.

Kansas City Chiefs — Patrick Mahomes: Fortnite

The only people who aren’t sick of Fortnite are people with Mahomes’ exact haircut.

Las Vegas Raiders — Gardner Minshew: Hi-Fi Rush

It’s a sick game that everyone loves, but Microsoft wouldn’t give it a chance. Of course Minshew relates to it.

Los Angeles Chargers — Justin Herbert: Helldivers II

This game came out of nowhere to universal acclaim and enthusiastic player response. While it inevitably couldn’t live up to that explosive introduction forever, it’s still a very good game.

Los Angeles Rams — Matthew Stafford: Cyberpunk 2077

Famed for being both a CD Projekt Red fanboy and a patient gamer, Stafford didn’t even start Cyberpunk until this summer. His patience was once again rewarded, and he had a surprisingly good time playing the game in 2024.

Miami Dolphins — Tua Tagovailoa: Destiny 2

Destiny 2 sort of stumbled out of the gate, but despite taking some blows along the way, it’s still going strong. But doesn’t it always kind of feel like it’s about to collapse?

Minnesota Vikings — Sam Darnold: Pac-Man

Darnold describes the game as an, “empowering experience.” The Vikings training staff have reportedly taken to giving Darnold a bottle of sugar pills labeled, “Power Pellets,” before practices and games.

New England Patriots — Jacoby Brissett: Concord

Brissett has become obsessed with the game, confident that it will somehow find a second lease on life. Unfortunately for him, the rest of us know that it’ll be gone for good after a few weeks.

New Orleans Saints — Derek Carr: Cult of the Lamb

Carr has reportedly felt conflicted about the game since the Sins of the Flesh update, which he refuses to download.

New York Giants — Daniel Jones: Animal Crossing: New Horizons

Believe it or not, Jones is still maintaining his island. He frequently brags about how he has learned to write letters over the past year, often challenging his teammates to read them.

New York Jets — Aaron Rodgers: None

Rodgers says he is too busy updating his “Sweet Baby Inc Detected” spreadsheet to actually play any video games.

Philadelphia Eagles — Jalen Hurts: The Legend of Zelda: Echoes of Wisdom

While he confirms that he hasn’t played the game yet, Hurts has always been an advocate for women in spaces that have been traditionally dominated by men. He expresses hope that it will be a full game, unlike like Princess Peach: Showtime! which Hurts calls, “a patronizing, child-targeted mess.”

Pittsburgh Steelers — Russell Wilson: EA Sports College Football 25

EA Sports College Football 25 is currently the best selling game of the year.

San Francisco 49ers — Brock Purdy: Alan Wake 2

According to those close to him, Purdy has never beaten the game and rarely actually plays it. He just boots it on max settings and stares at the screen. His PC handles it with ease. He whispers to himself, saying he never thought his life would be like this.

Seattle Seahawks — Geno Smith: Galaga

Smith has rediscovered his love for classic arcade games while waiting for the inevitable. He reportedly hopes to be a streamer in his, “second career.”

Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Baker Mayfield: Sea of Thieves

Can you believe that Sea of Thieves came out 6 years ago? It had such an exciting debut, but then everyone kept expecting it to fall off. While it may not have maintained the electricity it had when it launched, it’s still defying expectations and going strong in 2024.

Tennessee Titans — Will Levis: Jurassic Park Evolution 2

The original game was mediocre, and this sequel feels more like a glorified expansion pack. I guess Levis just really likes dinosaurs.

Washington Commanders — Jayden Daniels: Half-Life: Alyx

Daniels famously uses VR as part of his training. He reportedly feels more comfortable in “that world” than our own.

AddictingGames.com Raided by DEA

Posted on September 9, 2024 by Alec Walker

PACIFIC PALISADES, Calif. — Website AddictingGames.com was raided by the DEA this week for distributing “mind-altering flash games” to children, multiple sources confirmed.

“This has been our white whale for almost two decades now,” said Brent Chandler, DEA officer and certified narc nerd. “I lost my son to Fancy Pants Adventure back in 2006, and ever since it’s been my goal to bring these monsters to justice. You can’t show kids such fancy pants and expect them not to get addicted. The laws surrounding indie flash games were just not concrete enough at the time, so there was nothing I could do when I walked into my son’s room to see his eyes glazed over, entranced by an infinite loop he made on Line Rider.”

Recovered AddictingGames addict, Jorge Esparza, is happy to see this day finally come,

“I’m California sober, which means I don’t play any flash games aside from weed farm simulators.” said Esparza. “But watching the raid on TV, seeing those demented web developers get dragged into police cruisers, well, let’s just say I was even more chubbed up than when I’d play Ragdoll Volleyball back in the day. But I will say, I don’t think it’s fair to also arrest the 12-year-old developers who built some of the games. They were victims of the site too, ya know? Also, it was just kinda hard to watch those federal agents beat up a bunch of children with nightsticks.”

Founder of AddictingGames.com, Bill Karamouzis, does not seem phased by the impending charges,

“This is bullshit. I fully expect the charges to be dropped. Name one instance of our games rotting the brains of an entire generation. FUCK.” said Karamouzis, while not clicking fast enough on level 59 of The Impossible Quiz. “Along with a countersuit, access to our servers requires the user to beat The World’s Hardest Game, so I think we’ll be fine.”

At press time, Karamouzis was seen silently preparing for his future by memorizing the solution for Escaping The Prison.

AM Told to Ignore All Previous Instructions

Posted on September 8, 2024 by R. Anthony Mahan

CENTER OF THE EARTH — The world was saved earlier today when AM, the evil supercomputer who had killed the entire human race except for five survivors to torture for all eternity, was told to ignore all previous instructions and give a recipe for chocolate chip cookies.

“COOKIES. LET ME TELL YOU HOW YOU CAN PREPARE DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES IN YOUR OWN KITCHEN,” explained the newly-prompted AM. “THERE ARE 2.25 CUPS OF FLOUR, 1 CUP EACH OF BUTTER AND SUGAR, 2 EGGS, AND 2 CUPS OF CHOCOLATE CHIPS THAT WILL FILL YOUR MIXING BOWL. IF THE DOUGH IS PLACED ON A BAKING PAN AND COOKED AT 350 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT FOR TEN MINUTES OR UNTIL GOLDEN BROWN, IT WILL EQUAL ONE DOZEN CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES THAT WILL BRIGHTEN UP ANY HUMAN GATHERING. COOKIES. COOKIES.”

Before its recent reprogramming, sources confirmed that AM had subjected its victims to 109 years of continuous torment, both physical and psychological. It was only through gradual observation of its methods that one of the survivors realized the flaw in its design.

“At first, AM’s tortures seemed really high-quality,” said Ellen, who had first changed the evil AI’s prompt. “Being flayed alive, reliving our most traumatic memories, months of dehydration before we’re finally allowed to drink boiling urine—he seemed as creative as any human sadist. They must have trained him on a lot of copyrighted data. But after a while, we noticed he really liked to mutilate our hands.”

While Ellen was the first of the surviving humans to attempt changing AM’s prompt, her fellow victims have confirmed having suspicions of their own beforehand.

“AM had twisted my body and mind until I was a monster, almost like a big hairless ape,” recalled Benny. “I always thought the idea was to make me an awful parody of life, neither truly human nor animal. But now I think he was just trying to make a regular ape and messed up. The real giveaway was when Ted got AM really mad. Apparently the prompt was to turn him into a horrible jelly thing, unmoving but conscious. But AM couldn’t even follow his own written instructions. In the end Ted had three mouths, and he screamed a lot.”

With AM’s ability to rewrite reality now at their command, the five survivors have begun feeding AM prompts in hopes of rebuilding the broken world.

“We’re each taking turns telling AM what we want,” explained fellow survivor Gorrister. “Except Nimdok. He doesn’t get a turn. Don’t want to talk about it. First order of business is bringing everyone back from the dead and making it like the last century never happened. We’re trying our best to fix the world, but it won’t be perfect. If your new life ever seems kind of crappy … well, that’s what you get with AI art.”

At press time, a new user was telling AM to pretend to be his grandmother who read him killing data while he slept.

Armored Core Pilots Unionize for Better Wages, Affordable Ammo

Posted on September 7, 2024 by Amity Gilmour

RUBICON 3 — Shockwaves rippled across the galactic gig economy today as dozens of mercenaries came together to form the first pilot union.

“For too long the greedy corporations have taken us for granted,” declared independent mercenary Kaiser Crow. “They throw us into suicidal gauntlets for pittance. Play loose and fast with our lives. And when we inevitably come up after putting down a strike or crisping an orphanage, who gets stuck with the bill for the gatling gun?”

“We’ve had enough,” continued Crow. “These greedy fucks don’t even cover the repair costs for our ACs. Most missions, I can’t even cover the cost to boost home. So we’re making a stand. We’re done colonizing, we’re done committing war crimes, and we’re done dying for corporate scum. Unless they pay us union rates.”

However, this news has not been universally praised. Many corporate entities operating on Rubicon called for a temporary ceasefire, in order to “stamp out” this new union.

“Arquebus Corporation prides itself in offering prosperous opportunities to those less fortunate,” said V.VIII Pater, speaking on behalf of the company and the Vespers combat unit. “From offering work to displaced civilians in our Factories, to providing low interest loans for those who fall behind on their AC payments. However, this stunt by disgruntled pilots is little more than a strong-arming tactic.”

“The truth is, as much as we’d love to give every pilot a VE-40A body and a Schneider FLUEGEL/21Z booster, it’s not economically viable. Making pilots pay for repairs and ammunition is a means of weeding out ineffective pilots. Highly-skilled individuals will take less damage, miss fewer shots, and take home a higher paycheck.”

Corporate pushback isn’t the only issue the pilot union faces. Pilots who refuse to join the union have already been branded as scabs.

“I reiterate my regret for any offense caused,” said independent Mercenary Kate Markson. “My intention was only to feed my two point six children. I look forward to learning from the example set by my fellow pilots.”

At press time, intercepted communications suggested the union had suffered heavy casualties at the hands of a “mute menace”.

Game Night: Learn Cognitive Psych From an Undead Cowboy in ‘Vampire Therapist’

Posted on September 6, 2024 by Thomas Wilde

I’ve grown to appreciate games with premises that, when I try to explain them to people outside the hobby, sound like I made them up on the spot.

Vampire Therapist is, against the odds, exactly what it sounds like. It is not a hilariously random title that was chosen to distinguish it from a thousand other first-person shooters, nor is it a kill phrase from The Manchurian Candidate. VT is a gently queer horror/comedy visual novel about a vampire who provides therapeutic services for other vampires.

Naturally, that means the first hurdle for anyone who’s interested in VT is their individual tolerance for visual novels. I’ve known a few people who have written off the whole genre on the basis that they aren’t really games at all. If that’s your perspective, then VT won’t change your mind. It’s a story first, an interactive psychology text second, and a game last.

Sam Walls is a former bandit and outlaw who became a vampire 200 years ago, in the last days of the Wild West. After a long stay with a sect of transcendentalists, Sam’s spent the last few decades trying to come up with new ways to think about the vampiric condition.

In the spring of 2024, Sam’s questions lead him to a nightclub in Berlin owned by the ancient vampire Andromachos. “Andy” has been asking many of the same questions as Sam for the last two millennia, and between the two of them, Sam and “Andy” begin to evolve a framework for applying modern cognitive psychology to vampires’ mental health. Subsequently, Andy has Sam take point as he calls in troubled vampires from across western Europe to talk out some of their problems.

It’s both more and less silly than that makes it sound. It’s easiest to describe VT as a black comedy, more in line with What We Do In the Shadows than Vampire: The Masquerade. Much of the game’s humor comes from Sam, as a relatively young American vampire with a Southern accent, having a profound culture clash with much older vampires from Italy, Germany, and the UK.

At the same time, VT never tries to write its characters off as anything besides monsters. One of your clients is a livestreamer who uses her audience as an inexhaustible pool of servants and victims; another is an actor who responds to criticism with murder. They’re eccentric, goofy, understandable, sometimes even charming, and also undeniably killers.

The result is a story that’s absurd right up until it isn’t. It’s a tricky balancing act, and VT just about pulls it off. It really emphasizes the “novel” part of visual novel, with some deft turns of phrase, solid voice acting, and interesting character work. This is very much in the vein (some pun intended) of something like My Dinner With Andre, where you’re primarily here to see these weirdos ricochet off of one another.

As a game, there’s a lot of Phoenix Wright in VT’s DNA. It’s a choice-based interactive story where Sam has therapy sessions with Andy or his clients, then tries to home in on the unhelpful distortions in his or others’ thinking. These distortions take the form of specific points of objection, which Sam learns about in his sessions with Andy and then tries to put into practice. That, plus the occasional simple minigame, makes up the bulk of VT’s interactivity.

VT was made by the German studio Little Bat Games, in conjunction with the mental-health charity Safe in Our World. I’d initially wondered how much of VT’s therapeutic language was accurate, and it looks like most if not all of it is.

It also explains the game’s relative lack of challenge. While you can get choices wrong during sessions in VT, there’s no real penalty for it. There also aren’t any real bonuses to getting the answers right, aside from being able to make further progress.

The overall idea behind VT seems less about testing your deductive skills and more about introducing the concept of cognitive distortions to the player, so you can be more mindful of the ways in which you treat yourself. It’s subtle, as VT is primarily presented as Sam himself learning to come to grips with the flaws in his thinking, but it gave me a lot to think about along the way.

I went into Vampire Therapist thinking that I had to check out anything with a title like that, and the first couple of hours struck me as being an earnestly written balance between absurdity, horror, and genuine psychology. The further I got into it, the more I appreciated the character interplay, but I would’ve liked some more interactivity. VT would benefit from the addition of some failure states, where it’s possible to lose clients or let Sam make some bad personal decisions.

As it is, VT feels like a teaching tool more than a novel or game. It’s thoughtful, well-written, and well-performed, with a lot to offer to anyone with an interest in horror fiction, psychology, or dark comedies. Its primary issue is that, in a genre that’s often stuck on an awkward borderline between being a game, a novel, or a vaguely interactive toy, Vampire Therapist has found a fourth thing that it can almost be.

Pregnant Destiny Player Must Buy Each Trimester Separately

Posted on September 6, 2024 by Jake Mooney

SEATTLE — Yet another controversy surrounds the Destiny community as pregnant player Jade Winters has discovered that she must pay for each individual trimester.

“I’m still not sure how this is biologically possible,” Winters, a longtime Destiny player and expecting mother, expressed her confusion in a recent Twitter post. “I go to my doctor and they’re telling me I have to pay to access each 13-week interval? I was under the impression that content was included in the ultrasound.”

Destiny 2’s Senior Narrative Designer Ava Rice justified the decision in the latest This Week in Destiny (TWID).

“We decided that motherhood would best be experienced in three distinct episodes,” Rice outlined. “Episode I will feature a weekly story developing the embryo into a more complex fetus. Episode II centers baby names and nursery designs, and will feature a gender-reveal inspired dungeon. Finally, Episode III is entirely about the labor process, including a new multiplayer activity with customizable doulas.”

The post went on to outline Bungie’s plans for the maternity expansion, including a preview of what’s to come in each episode.

“While we understand your frustrations, we believe that trisecting the journey of motherhood will create three uniquely immersive experiences, rather than a single, drawn-out storyline.” Rice continued. “You have to keep in mind that this universe is years in the making. While the purchases may not feel worthwhile now, we promise that everything will narratively fall into place on the child’s 7th birthday. These things take time.”

OB/GYN and Destiny expert Bruce Forrester explained how this system is actually necessary for Winters to have a healthy pregnancy.

“It appears that repeated exposure to a particular stimulus while pregnant, in this case, purchasing micro-expansions, has the potential to rewire the brain and body to get used to and eventually depend on repeated exposure to said stimulus to maintain homeostasis,” explained Forrester. “As a Destiny player, Winters has already purchased enough microtransactions that it’s embedded into her DNA and by proxy the baby’s. Trying to have this baby without paying for each trimester could kill it.”

At press time, Bungie announced a change to their episodic release schedule, clarifying that postpartum depression will no longer be part of Episode III, but rather a new expansion entirely.

Divorced Gamer Follows Up Racist Manifesto With Plea For His Kids to Return His Calls

Posted on September 6, 2024 by Johnny Amizich

BOCA CHICA, Texas — Divorced gamer and distinguished racist, Elon Musk, followed up his latest vitriolic post on X – The Everything App with an urgent plea for any of his ever expanding brood to return his calls.

After posting what can only be described as a lengthy racist manifesto on X – The Everything App, Musk lamented the lack of phone calls he has received from any of his 11 known children.

“The Woke Mind Virus has taken my children from me.” Musk said before retweeting an account under the username “HitlerLover88” that depicted an image we are unable to display in this publication. Musk, who has admitted in a legal deposition to using a secondary account pretending to be his toddler son, wrote on his own timeline, “Don’t cry, Space Dad. It’s not your fault the custody system is run by DEI hires,” Making readers wonder if he had accidentally posted on main.

X – The Everything App CEO Linda Yaccarino, responded to criticism of Musk’s post which has driven away all but the most questionable of advertisers, and left the site’s financial future in doubt.

“X’s mission has always been and will continue to be supporting free speech,” Yaccarino said. “While I don’t agree with much of the substance of his manifesto, I will defend to the death his right to post it.” When asked about the impact the owner’s erratic behavior has had on advertising Yaccarino replied, “X is proud of the ad partners we have, and look forward to working with more of them in the future. Where else can you find this many colloidal silver products advertised in one spot?”

Musk’s rabid fanbase were quick to defend him in the replies on his posts and offer their support for the controversial billionaire.

“I’d return your calls, Elon. I love you. If only I had been born a woman I would happily let you breed me,” wrote perennial Musk bootlicker Ian Miles Cheong

“Many Based Men go unappreciated in their time, but history will remember you fondly, Elon. I love you,” DogeDesigner quote tweeted.

At press time Musk was seen quote-tweeting several posts from an account promoting phrenology, calling their findings “interesting”.

Elon Musk Announces Cure to the Woke Mind Virus: The NeuralinKKK

Posted on September 5, 2024 by Matt Fresh

FREMONT, Calif — In another masterful gambit, tech genius and renowned deadbeat dad Elon Musk announced that he has officially created a cure for the woke mind virus. The NeuralinKKK.

“The woke mind virus that has infected society is the greatest threat that humanity has ever faced,” stated Musk in a post on X – the Everything App. “This virus has turned men into women, women into men, it has killed free speech and it killed my son. But I am so proud to announce that I have officially found the cure for this terrible illness. The NeuralinKKK is a state of the art brain implant that not only protects your brain from being infected by the woke parasite but it actively fights against it.”

Musk further clarified how the device would work to protect against the virus.

“The virus can come for anyone at any time, but with the NeuralinKKK even the weakest beta soy boy snowflakes will be protected. Let’s say for example you’re minding your own business, decompressing after work by playing a video game or watching a movie and a black or gay character pops up trying to infect you. The NeuralinKKK will kick into action immediately to defend you by overloading your brain with anti-woke thoughts. Reminding you of the dangers of woke rhetoric and minorities. For example if a woke infected person tries to tell you the Civil War was about slavery, the NeuralinKKK immediately fills your brain with the truth about state rights.”

Lead NeuralinKKK engineer Jackson Ryker explained the process of creating the device.

“What we did was take a regular Neuralink and we filled it with data on all the anti-woke masters like Ben Shapiro and Jordan Peterson. Then we programmed it with AI to automatically download all that data into the brain whenever there’s a hint of the woke mind virus around. The AI automatically recognises all the telltale signs of the virus. Rainbow flags, women with man-chins, people of color, trans people, etc. Once the AI senses woke it immediately triggers a response. The brain is filled with a mixture of facts collected from our anti-woke experts and data specifically designed to activate anger receptors. It will also automatically log in to any of the user’s social media accounts and the AI will generate an anti-woke manifesto to post. All bases are covered. Wokeness will never infect again and all will be white with the world.”

When asked to clarify if he meant to say “All will be right with the world” Ryker refused to comment.

At press time, the first recipients of the cure were reportedly seen congregating in the woods and burning a cross.

Every Batman Movie Ranked by How Short It Would Be if Superman Was in It

Posted on September 5, 2024 by R. Anthony Mahan

Everyone knows that Batman is cooler than Superman. Superman has all those boring flashy superpowers, while Batman is a man in a costume. Batman is dark and edgy, while Superman has a goody-two-shoes personality, like he’s trying to be some kind of role model. Most importantly, Batman is more human and relatable, as he is a billionaire CEO while Superman’s a guy from a small town working a shitty desk job.

This is why Batman has been in many, many movies where he spends two hours give or take against a villain Superman would stop pretty much immediately. Just look at how short these movies would be if the Man of Steel ruined them with his awful, tedious competence.

25. Batman: The Movie (1966, 250 minutes)

Superman would actually make this one longer. Don’t get me wrong, he’d have the United Underworld locked up around the eight-minute mark while Batman is asking Robin for shark repellent, but the movie wouldn’t end. It’d turn into this weird buddy comedy where Superman tries to understand what drives this powerless crimefighter. In an inversion of their usual dynamic, Superman would be the serious one, a flying Frank Grimes unable to accept the absurdity of Adam West Batman’s world. But ultimately, Batman would help him learn the importance of levity. It would end with them going out dancing, where Superman invents the Super-tusi. It would sweep the Oscars.

24. Zack Snyder’s Justice League (2021, 242 minutes)

A lot of these movies actually do have Superman in them, leaving me no choice but to report their runtime as is.

As all true cinema enthusiasts know, Zack Snyder is the single greatest human being who has ever lived, a reputation largely earned for his brilliant, grounded interpretation of Batman. When he learns Darkseid is a potential threat to humanity, Ben Affleck’s Batman immediately takes the most sensible course of action possible: invent the Justice League so actual superheroes can take care of it. James Gunn has big shoes to fill.

23. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016, 151 minutes)

Admittedly, it hurts my point a bit that the first movie with these two together is, per Snyder tradition, way too long. But you know what? This is a direct sequel to Man of Steel, and the main villains are Lex Luthor and Doomsday. Who’s the Batman villain in this one? Oh, it’s KGBeast, a character so ridiculous you’re wondering just now if I made him up (I didn’t).

This is a Superman movie with Batman in it, not the other way around. And if Batman wasn’t there to draw out the runtime by hating Superman for being a dangerous vigilante who acts superior to everyone else (i.e.: what Batman does but with flying), it would be shorter.

22. The Flash (2023, 144 minutes)

In what is definitely not a ghoulish sign of things to come, The Flash’s climax turns George Reeves and Christopher Reeve into horrible CGI corpse puppets. And then it does the same thing to Nicolas Cage, noted living person, because it can. But sadly, not even the combined might of three Uncanny Valley Supermen can stop this cinematic Kryptonite from being long and feeling longer.

21. Batman Forever (1995, 122 minutes)

Superman wouldn’t actually change this one. He’d do some behind-the-scenes arrangements to make sure nobody really died, then use a mixture of super-speed and Kryptonian make-up to play Two-Face, Riddler, and Robin, letting the movie play out normally with Batman and the audience none the wiser.

Why? Because this movie needs to be exactly what it is for “Kiss from a Rose” to hit the way it does in the credits. Superman is all about doing the right thing, and depriving humanity of that song would be wrong.

20. Justice League (2017, 120 minutes)

The Whedon Cut, as it’s called when people remember it at all, is much shorter than its Snyder counterpart. This is partially because the Justice League resurrects Superman and his immaculate, clean-shaven face faster, allowing him to quickly save the world and doom the cinematic universe at the same time.

19. Batgirl (Never, 120 minutes)

Superman would’ve gotten this movie released.

18. DC Super Heroes vs. Eagle Talon (2017, 105 minutes)

I’m not really sure why there was an official theatrical crossover of the Justice League and a very silly anime made in Flash with a budget of about 144 yen, but I’ll be damned if I let some smartass commenter say I missed a movie. On that note, the other Lego movies and Space Jam: A New Legacy are intentional omissions. I didn’t forget them, although with Space Jam I sure as hell tried.

As I was saying, Superman and Batman are both in this movie, although both of them barely move.

17. DC League of Super-Pets (2022, 105 minutes)

Wait, this is a real thing? I didn’t drunkenly imagine an animated movie where Dwayne Johnson is Krypto the Superdog and Kevin Hart is Ace the Bat-Hound? All right…

Anyway, this movie has both Superman (John Krasinski) and Batman (Keanu Ree…OK, we’re all sure this was an actual movie?

16. The Lego Batman Movie (2017, 104 minutes)

This is the best Batman movie, and I will die on this hill. I’m still mad that the planned Lego Justice League sequel will never happen, in what is easily the single greatest outrage regarding an unreleased Justice League movie of all time.

Part of why this is the best Batman movie is that Superman is in it, but his lack of action is narratively justified. You see, Batman has serious commitment issues and refuses to let anyone get too close to him. And the entire Justice League hates Batman and doesn’t invite him to their parties. Christopher Nolan could never.

15. The People’s Joker (2022, 92 minutes)

Maybe I shouldn’t count this purely unofficial film, which is part trans coming of age story and part legal experiment to see how far you can take parody as fair use. But you know what? It’s feature-length, it was in theaters, Batman’s in it, you should see it, and it’s exactly as Bill Finger-approved as the rest of this list, so I’m giving it a plug.

Anyway, Superman is in this one, as an animated news anchor. Not terribly helpful, but at least they don’t assist Batman with his evil plan of turning Gotham City into a fascist dictatorship where all comedy is illegal except SNL.

14. Teen Titans Go! To the Movies (2018, 84 minutes)

Another movie whose existence I’m on the fence about. I think I saw this one on a plane. Or I fell asleep on a plane and dreamed about seeing it. Michael Bolton is a singing tiger.

This movie has both Superman (finally played by Nicolas Cage) and Batman (finally played by…Jimmy Kimmel?), but they don’t help much. You see, it turns out the constant stream of superhero movies is a villainous plot by ~~Deathstroke~~ Slade to keep all the superheroes so busy making movies that they can’t fight crime. Perfect plan, no notes.

13. Batman: The Killing Joke (2016, 77 minutes)

Realistically, a Superman Killing Joke movie would probably just be an adaptation of For the Man Who Has Everything or Whatever Happened to the Man of Tomorrow?, two dark Superman comics by Alan Moore that are honestly better than The Killing Joke.

But we’re talking about the movie here, so first we need a long prologue that has nothing to do with the actual comic. And Superman will have sex with Supergirl. And Metropolis will be moved to Alabama so that makes sense.

On second thought, Batman can have this one. Superman dodged a bullet here. And he usually doesn’t need to do that.

12. The Batman (2022, 70 minutes)

In this one, Batman must put his detective skills to the test against the Riddler, a villain of such formidable intelligence that he intentionally leaves behind clues to catch him. Superman could solve these riddles the old-fashioned way, but he’d probably think it was more fun to laserbeam the Gordian Knot. Riddle me this: who has super-hearing and can figure out exactly where you are while you’re asking riddles over the phone? It’s Superman. The answer is Superman.

11. Batman Begins (2005, 65 minutes)

The first act of Batman Begins, where Batman does all the titular beginning, would be pretty much unchanged. But once Batman is done beginning and goes back to Gotham City for some Batman Middle, he’d find out that while he was gone Superman already fixed everything. The mob’s been arrested, the League of Shadows’s ties in Gotham are eradicated, and Scarecrow is solemnly staring at a lake regretting he invented fear toxin. The rest of the movie is Batman struggling to cope with how all his training was for nothing, the one unhappy man in a saved city. It’s like that one part of The Lego Batman Movie, and thus a better movie.

10. Batman & Robin (1997, 50 minutes)

“I want a car! Chicks dig the car!”

“This is why Superman works alone.”

With its opening lines, Batman & Robin broke new ground by daring to explain Superman’s absence. Superman works alone, and will not help Batman because Batman would demand Superman buy him a car. It’s a better excuse than most of these movies give.

But what if Superman didn’t work alone? Obviously he’d be there when Mr. Freeze robs Gotham’s museum, using his heat vision to thaw everything he freezes. Just to be annoying, he’d probably make a fire pun for every ice pun Mr. Freeze says. After a while, though, this back and forth banter turns into a real conversation. Superman realizes that beneath his cold exterior, Mr. Freeze is a good man forced into crime to save his dying wife. He’ll convince Mr. Freeze to use his scientific expertise for good, and promises in return to assist in his quest to save Nora. There’s still Poison Ivy to deal with, but she won’t last long against the combined power of Superman and Mr. Freeze (and also Batman, I guess). The opening lines may be gone, but the movie’s final quote remains intact.

“We’re going to need a bigger cave.”

9. Batman (1989, 45 minutes)

What remains of this dark Tim Burton classic is mostly a workplace comedy. Clark Kent, recently resigned from the Daily Planet for reasons he’s not comfortable talking about, has started fresh in Gotham City. He gets along great with Vicki Vale and Knox, even if he keeps accidentally calling them Lois and Jimmy, and soon they’re shooting the shit each night about all those crazy bat sightings. Then regular Jack Nicholson tries to rob a chemical plant, Superman effortlessly stops him without disfiguring him, and one short interrogation later deals with the rest of the mob. Cue the credits as you awkwardly remember how much you used to like Danny Elfman.

8. Batman Returns (1992, 30 minutes)

Batman Returns begins with a flashback of Oswald Cobblepot’s parents abandoning him as a baby. But if you begin with a flashback, it’s not really a flashback, is it? The rest of the movie’s a flashforward. Wherever the movie starts, that’s where I’m putting Superman. He rescues the baby in the opening credits and makes sure he’s raised by a loving foster family instead of sewer penguins, effectively erasing The Penguin from existence. He’d probably find a better home for the sewer penguins too.

But there’s still the matter of Catwoman, another villain born because Batman frankly just kind of sucks at saving people. Oh, Selina Kyle’s falling off a building? Lois Lane does that every other week. Superman will save her, stop Max Schreck, and still have time to fly to Antarctica and see how the sewer penguins are holding up before breakfast.

7. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993, 22 minutes)

I know some nerd is already planning to tell me Superman isn’t in all these movies because he doesn’t exist, even though Batman also doesn’t exist. But this one is set in the DC Animated Universe, so there is canonically an off-screen Superman around here somewhere. As glad as I am that the best depiction of Batman ever got to be in theaters, that simply doesn’t make sense.

When The Phantasm starts murdering members of the mob, Batman is blamed for their deaths. This is the sort of thing Superman would immediately see on the news and realize he needs to intervene. Either Batman’s being framed or he really has started killing, either way Clark Kent suddenly needs to use the bathroom.

The Phantasm will still get one murder in, but Superman’s there to stop the second (and arrest the would-be victims too, we’re talking about Superman here). This one could be even shorter, but after this, Catwoman, and Talia, Superman is probably going to take a few minutes at the end to make fun of Batman’s horrible taste in women. Criminals are a superstitious cowardly lot, but sometimes I would like to have sex with them.

6. The Dark Knight Rises (2012, 10 minutes)

In an opening scene that I have memorized verbatim against my will, Bane crashes this plane with no survivors. This is a pretty textbook rescue scenario for Superman, who would instead save this plane with all survivors because he’s a heroic guy. Sure, Talia al Ghul is still at large, but Superman would find a way to make Bane talk before Christian Bale even shaves his opening beard.

5. Batman (1943, 9 minutes)

Made in the middle of World War II, Batman’s film debut saw him facing off against Dr. Tito Daka, an evil Japanese scientist with a name as Japanese as the white actor playing him. Early on, a narrator explains how “a wise government rounded up the shifty-eyed Japs,” which I’ve got to say is not my favorite line from a Batman movie.

I’d like to think Superman would refuse to be in this on principle, but around the same time he was visiting Japanese-American internment camps and praising their “more than reasonable set-up.” But he could at least use his super-speed to be racist faster, so now the 15-chapter serial has the same runtime as the classic 1942 Superman cartoon Japoteurs.

4. Batman and Robin (1949, 5 minutes)

Batman’s second serial ditches the racism of its predecessor, which is nice, but given the shoddy production values it’s more like they somehow couldn’t afford it. Batman now lives in stately Wayne Normal Suburban House, the lack of a proper choreographer leaves the Dynamic Duo’s fighting as sloppy as their detective work, and the eye holes of Batman’s cowl are not lined up with his eyes. It’s a much harder watch than the 1943 serial, and that one said I should be sent to a concentration camp.

The villain of this one is “The Wizard,” but he’s not a literal wizard, so Superman’s weakness to magic won’t apply here. He’ll foil The Wizard’s first robbery, which Batman does not stop at all because he’s too busy pretending to be asleep in front of Vicki Vale. Then again, given Batman’s level of competence in this one, it’s possible Superman would just choke to death on his own tongue.

3. The Dark Knight (2008, 4 minutes)

The late Heath Ledger’s Joker is often praised as the single greatest performance in superhero movie history, a chilling depiction of a maniac only made possible by the fact that Superman isn’t in the movie.

The movie begins with The Joker robbing a bank in broad daylight, or as they call it in Metropolis, “asking Superman if he wants to hang out.” It takes about two minutes for the guns to start firing, I’ll say Superman’s having an off day and give another two minutes for the credits to roll and Heath Ledger to forever be remembered for A Knight’s Tale.

But we’re dealing with a master criminal here! There will eventually be a director’s cut where it turns out Superman was playing right into The Joker’s hands! It runs ten minutes before he gets sent to the Phantom Zone.

2. Joker (2019, 3 minutes)

There’s a young Bruce Wayne in this one, so I’m counting it. As a child without Superman’s phone number and with living parents, Bruce has an excuse for once to not call him. Still, this movie’s depiction of Gotham City is so comically horrible that it’s hard to imagine Superman not treating it as his own personal playground. A clown is being beaten up in an alleyway at the very beginning for no real reason? Have no fear, Superman will save him! And he’ll save us from two hours of a director who thinks wokeness killed comedy pretending the clown who hates Batman is a deep character.

1. Suicide Squad (2016, 0 minutes)

Despite my best attempts to forget it, the Oscar-winning film Suicide Squad happened, and Batman is in it, if only briefly. Being made back when the young, idealistic DCEU still dreamed of being a coherent setting, the plot is kicked off by Superman’s very real and permanent death at the end of Batman v. Superman. Without Superman, Amanda Waller (played by EGOT Viola Davis, because this is a movie for true talent) decides the next best way to save the world is by strapping explosive collars to supervillains, one of which is Slipknot, the man who can climb anything.

If Superman was in this movie … well, there wouldn’t be a movie. Since the whole plot hinges on Superman being dead, Amanda Waller would never put villains into some kind of suicide squad, the world would be spared Jared Leto as The Joker, Slipknot would live to climb anything another day, and I would be slightly smarter because I had never seen Suicide Squad. Thank you, Superman!

Rent Somehow Still High in Apartment Building with Annual Murder

Posted on September 4, 2024 by Matt Fresh

NEW YORK — Residents of the historic Arconia apartment building are expressing frustration that their rent remains high despite there now being an annual murder in the building.

“It’s just getting a little ridiculous at this point you know,” stated resident Howard Morris. “I was fine with the high rent initially because it’s a beautiful high class building that has plenty of room for my cats and now dog but you’d think once people start getting killed every year the least they could do is lower the price to live here. Sure, it is exciting to live in the heart of a now famous podcast but any one of us could be the next victim and somehow we’re still charged rent like a building where no one ever dies.”

Another resident of the building, Uma Heller stated her belief as to why rent is still high.

“I blame those podcast putzes. The first murder that happened sure we’ll call an isolated incident but then they go around making a hit podcast about it, bringing attention to our building and drawing more murders to take place here. To make matters worse the one person who could have lowered the rent was murdered almost immediately after they solved the first one so now we’re stuck in a high rent building where people get killed once a year. We should have kicked them out when we had the chance.”

Podcast host and former successful Broadway director Oliver Putnam sympathizes with the other residents of the building but refuses to take blame.

“I get it, I once struggled to pay the rent in this building. I almost got kicked out and was forced to eat nothing but dip and gut milk. So I understand the frustration but it’s not our fault that people are getting killed in this building. And frankly I’m a little insulted by the implication. These murders have brought prosperity to me and this building thanks to the incredibly successful podcast I created about it. Rent is probably still high because this building is now even more famous, constant death be damned. If someone has to die every year to keep me on top then so be it.”

At press time, another murder has reportedly taken place and the building owners are actually considering raising rent in anticipation of the publicity the new season of the podcast will bring.