James Kineen, Author at Hard Drive

Next 100 Sequels To Assassin’s Creed

Posted on September 4, 2024 by Matt Youngspruce

Some video game companies have faced challenges in creating sequels. Remember when Valve attempted to make Half-Life Episode 3, or when 3D Realms encountered difficulties with Duke Nukem Forever? Thankfully, one video game company stands out as masters of video game sequels.

Ubisoft has stood the test of time with their amazing and unique franchise, Assassin’s Creed. Fans around the world eagerly await each new installment, wondering what epic adventures await in the next sequel.

Well, wait no longer, my friend. We’ve got you covered. Here are the next 100 sequels to Assassin’s Creed.

100) Assassin’s Creed Monet Haystack

Think art history is dull? Think again, my friend! Immerse yourself in this open-world Assassin’s Creed adventure, where you’ll find yourself amidst the picturesque fields of Monet’s iconic haystacks. You can hide inside these famous haystacks while Monet paints them. One mission can last from a few hours to days and months. This sequel offers an extraordinary historical experience you won’t want to miss. Consider yourself fortunate to be a part of this remarkable journey!

99) Assassin’s Creed 2:10am

Immerse yourself in the life of a man who cannot sleep. Engage in battles against hordes of intrusive thoughts, grappling with existential crises. Assassinate depression and anxiety as they assail you at 2:10 a.m. in the early stages of this anticipated sequel.

98) Assassin’s Creed Chicago

Set in 1980, you embody Blues Assassin Jake, just released from prison. Your mission: eradicate every Nazi from the streets of Chicago while uncovering lost blues artifacts. Alongside your brother Elwood, navigate the gritty cityscape. So, fasten your harmonica and don your black cape for this gritty adventure.

97) Assassin’s Creed Covid 2020-2022

In Assassin’s Creed: COVID 2020-2022, your enemies lurk in the air, spreading contagion. Your mission? Eliminate anyone who carries these airborne threats. Use the new hearing system to listen for sneezes and strike your blade through the lung of the unsuspecting enemy. Engage in immersive stealth tactics, utilizing masks for concealment.

96) Assassin’s Creed Gollum

One of the most anticipated games in the Assassin’s Creed series is set in Middle-earth, aptly titled ‘Assassin’s Creed Gollum.’ Immerse yourself in stunning gameplay and graphics as you embark on a new adventure. In this unique crossover, navigate the world of Middle-earth, eliminating hobbits and plundering treasures. With hopes for DLCs to expand your quest, may you acquire even more precious loot.

95) Assassin’s Creed Helter Skelter

Join the family of Charlie Manson at his cabin in the rural area of california in the late 60’s. Main quest involves murdering the wife of a famous film director. Side quests involve hallucinogenic drugs and murder. Disguise yourself as a fun hippie but be ready to kill!

94) Assassin’s Creed Whatever Happened Today

Ubisoft introduces its latest innovation, harnessing cutting-edge AI technology to craft a gaming experience tailored to your daily life. Imagine Pokémon Go with a deeper narrative twist. Simply download the app onto your phone and continue with your day-to-day activities. By day’s end, the app transforms your experiences into a personalized game. Are you prepared to raid your own household for loot? Or assassinate the mailman?

93) Assassin’s Creed Kronos

“bortaS bIr jablu’DI’ reH QaQqu’ nay'”

The eagerly awaited sequel to the Assassin’s Creed franchise propels you into an uncharted sector of the galaxy. Get ready for a fun adventure on the Klingon planet Kronos, where you’ll delve deep into the heart of Klingon culture, embracing the nuances of combat and assassination.

92) Assassin’s Creed Mom Goes To The Store

You are Steve, the stealthy assassin, awaiting your moment to strike. Your adventure is momentarily paused as Mom has yet to depart for the store. But fear not, in just five minutes, she’ll be out the door, granting you a 30-minute window to plunder and pilfer in what promises to be an exhilarating spree. Seize the opportunity to loot everything you can, but tread carefully as the final minutes tick away. You must ensure the house looks precisely as it did before Mom’s return, erasing any evidence of your escapades. You’ve got this, bro.

91) Assassin’s Creed Roswell

Step back into the 1950s, where the American dream reigns supreme. But wait, what’s that? A mysterious light in the sky beckons investigation. Before you know it, you’re face-to-face with an otherworldly sight—a crashed alien ship in the Arizona desert. Time to make a choice: will you align with the extraterrestrial visitors or side with the shadowy forces of the U.S. government intent on concealing the truth? The fate of humanity hangs in the balance. Choose wisely, Assassin.

90) Assassin’s Creed Hollywood Holocaust

It’s time to kick ass and chew bubblegum and I’m all out of gum. In this sequel you basically take the form of Duke Nukem and kill every alien on sight while saving the babes. Let’s face it. It’s a much better game that way. You want to loot? Only looting is the shells for your shotgun.

89) Assassin’s Creed Isla Nublar

Welcome to Jurassic Park. You thought the templars were tough. How about T-Rex? Try to fight that huge predator with your saber! Your hood is not going to save you when Dennis Nedry decides to follow his greed. Huge open world map with pointless side quests. Sound familiar? Life finds a way.

88) Assassin’s Creed That Time You Found Out Staying In Bed And Not Going To Work Is Cool

Ready for your next adventure? Call your boss you are sick and just stay in bed and loot procrastination boxes till midnight. Order some pizza and you are all set for the greatest adventure of a lifetime!

87) Assassin’s Creed Flip A Coin

This sequel has only one loot box in a huge open world map. Your main and also every side quest is to find it. When you finally arrive at the loot box and open it you will find a coin from it. Then one of the sickest mini games begins. Is it head or tails? Exciting!

86) Assassin’s Creed Home Guitarist

Time to loot pedals! Step into the memory of a soon-to-be legendary riff assassin. Armed with determination and a thirst for musical greatness. Main quest involves for you to record your first cover song playthrough video, but not before amassing over 200 looted pedals. The comment section is full of Templars but you ignore them just like you ignore any advice for your playing from your teacher. You are after all destined to be the greatest guitarist the world has ever seen. At least according to your mom.

85) Assassin’s Creed 2024

History is made now. This is the biggest Assassin’s Creed game ever made. You battle your way through Moscow only to find out that your next mission is to go against Trump. It’s up to you how you will survive Assassin’s Creed 2024.

84) Assassin’s Creed Big Bang

Embark on an epic journey to the very origins of existence in Assassin’s Creed Big Bang! Witness the monumental event that sparked the birth of the universe itself. This unprecedented adventure invites you to immerse yourself in the fiery chaos of creation, where every explosion shapes the course of cosmic history. Experience the awe-inspiring power of the Big Bang firsthand as you navigate through the primal forces that forged the cosmos. It’s a journey unlike any other, where you become a witness to the greatest moment in human history.

83) Assassin’s Creed One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest

Kill nurse Ratched.

82) Assassin’s Creed Spam Mail

Go through an infinite amount of spam mail in your inbox and eliminate all of them.

81) Assassin’s Creed Battlefield 4

Prepare for mind-blowing action with Assassin’s Creed: Battlefield 4! This revamped sequel takes the franchise to new heights with massive multiplayer deathmatches that will leave your palms sweaty. Engage in intense battles against rival teams, where your assassination skills are put to the test against expert snipers. One unique feature of the game is its ability to replay your deaths until you’ve had your fill of excitement. And when you’ve had enough, simply delete the game from your library and bid farewell to gaming forever.

80) Assassin’s Creed Ice Hockey World Championship 1995

Enter the arena of Assassin’s Creed Ice Hockey World Championship 1995! As a Finnish assassin, your mission is clear: thwart the Swedish Ice Hockey team at any cost to claim victory in the championship. Under the command of Swedish traitor Curt Lindström, you’ll navigate the high-stakes world of international sports, ensuring that the brotherhood’s interests prevail. Remember, loyalty to the brotherhood is paramount, even on the ice.

79) Assassin’s Creed Uncle’s Garage

Welcome to Assassin’s Creed: Uncle’s Garage! The Animus has transported you back to your uncle’s garage, where the sounds of Dire Straits’ “Money for Nothing” echo endlessly from a cassette tape. Amidst the haze of cigarette smoke and the scent of beer, your uncle sits, offering you a drink with a gruff “stay as a man.” Embrace your lineage as each mission unravels the mysteries hidden within your uncle’s drunken ramblings. Ubisoft’s attention to detail perfectly recreates the atmosphere of familial eccentricity.

78) Assassin’s Creed Of Us Remake

Welcome to the remastered Assassin’s Creed Of Us remake! Set in 2033, your mission is to escort a child to the doctor—again. But hey, at least the graphics are top-notch this time around! Get ready for plenty of stealth action, though haystacks are notably absent this time. Ubisoft’s clever twist in this sequel will keep you on your toes!

77) Assassin’s Creed Kingston Falls

Welcome to Assassin’s Creed: Kingston Falls, set in 1980s America during Christmas. Your dad’s gift—a seemingly innocent furry ball—unleashes chaos when it turns out to be a Gremlin. With unique water mechanics, the town soon swarms with Templar Gremlins. Ready your bow and prepare to take on the festive mayhem!

76) Assassin’s Creed USS Nostromo

Prepare for an interstellar journey in Assassin’s Creed USS Nostromo, set in the year 2122. Your mission: restore order aboard this spaceship. With powerful stealth mechanics at your disposal, navigate through a nightmare as the story unfolds. But beware, among the crew lurks a Templar robot. Can you uncover the traitor before it’s too late?

75) Assassin’s Creed New Jersey

You woke up this morning. Got yourself a gun, Mama always said you’d be. The Chosen One.

74) Assassin’s Creed Customer Service

Welcome to Assassin’s Creed Customer Service, where your mission is to tackle the ultimate challenge: the ringing phone. Answer it, and you’ll encounter angry customers demanding compensation. Choose wisely: grant their request and alter the course of your adventure, or stand firm and face the consequences. Navigate through a massive open-world map concealed within the confines of a small office cubicle, where every decision shapes your destiny. Get ready for an adrenaline-fueled journey unlike any other!

73) Assassin’s Creed Job Interview

Welcome to Assassin’s Creed Job Interview, where the stakes are higher than ever! Begin by selecting your finest cape, for appearance is everything. Embark on a grueling 100-hour journey through the intricacies of the job interview process, where every decision shapes your fate. But be warned: despite your best efforts, securing the job may remain elusive. Can you navigate the challenges and emerge victorious, or will the coveted position slip through your fingers? Prepare for the ultimate test of skill, strategy, and perseverance!

72) Assassin’s Creed Christmas 1988 Los Angeles

The templars have planned to take hostage the whole Nagasaki Building. Unfortunately they did not count for you, the great assassin being there. Neither did anyone else for that matter. Use your sword as you take down the Templars one by one. Yippee Ki Yay!

71) Assassin’s Creed Stardew Valley

Animus has brought you to a chill session at the farm. You farm and you farm and you farm. This sequel to one of the biggest franchises has it all! You have choices to either farm pumpkins or potatoes. Be careful though what you choose. The consequences might be fatal! Incredible deep immersive open world experience awaits you.

70) Assassin’s Creed Amsterdam

Another Animus glitch? Is this for real? You wake up from your own vomit at the youth hostel lobby floor. Somebody has stolen all your last night’s loot and it’s time for revenge. This insane sequel to Assassin’s Creed will have you at the edge of your seat while you hunt for the ones who stole your wallet and gave you mushrooms. That you ate. Because why not? Do you have any idea why the hell you were naked and pissing on that nice lady’s dog? In this city that embraces assassins, it’s time to reclaim your dignity and set things right.

69) Assassin’s Creed Blue Velvet

In memories, I walk with you. In memories, I talk to you. In memories, you’re mine, all the time. Forever. In memories…

68) Assassin’s Creed Birds

This sequel turns things around a bit. That bird who is always helping you is now against you and there are hundreds of those. Fight against armies of birds as they swarm over you every chance they get. This is going to be one of the hardest Assassin’s Creed games ever!

67) Assassin’s Creed Ghosting

You will meet a lot of characters who will tell you they are your friend or enemies and immediately lose contact with you. You can’t even find them on the map! There is no one to talk to. You are all alone in a huge open world setting.

66) Assassin’s Creed AA Meeting

Hello my name is Ezio and I have a problem.

65) Assassin’s Creed Hell

Ready to battle the final boss of all bosses? In this hellish sequel you are trapped inside the memories of a trapped soul in hell. You try to loot but you get nothing from the void. Hail Satan!

64) Assassin’s Creed Millennium

The year is 1999 and it’s new year’s eve. Everyone is afraid that their computers collapse when the clock hits midnight. What will happen is far worse. You will enter a decade of reality tv and pop music dominance. Loot all you can because in 2008 it all goes to shit.

63) Assassin’s Creed Interzone

Exterminate all rational thought.

62) Assassin’s Creed Windows Vista Release Party

Is that Bill Gates? Yes it is. Let’s go talk to him. Oh wait shit he is going to do something that will change the history of the world forever. Windows Vista. Your animus starts immediately glitching and the operator tells you that they just installed Windows Vista on Animus and it’s causing serious trouble. You’re probably not going to make it. Blue screen.

60) Assassin’s Creed In Da Club

Go shorty it’s your birthday. We are going to party like it’s your birthday. Main mission is to go after P Diddy. Side quests include hanging upside down in da club.

59) Assassin’s Creed Eating Chicken Wings With Your Brother

Prepare for an immersive day out with your brother. Don’t have a brother? No problem! Watch as your virtual sibling chokes on chicken wings, triggering a minigame where you desperately try to save him as death stares you in the eyes. Fuelled by vengeance against the chicken wing industry, you embark on a quest that leads you to hide in a haystack at a chicken farm. Get ready for a unique and unforgettable gaming experience!

58) Assassin’s Creed At The Dentist

In Assassin’s Creed At The Dentist, you’ll face one of the most dreaded challenges within the Animus: a trip to the dentist. Assume the role of Jeff as he finds himself in the dentist’s chair, grappling with the fear and discomfort of the situation. Can you help Jeff escape the ordeal, navigating through the daunting obstacles of drills and discomfort? Prepare for a thrilling and unexpected adventure in the most unexpected setting!

57) Assassin’s Creed Highschool History Class 1998

Here we go again motherfuckers. Time for a relaxing nap at Mr. Stevenson’s History Class. Can there be anything more boring than Mr- Stevenson’s history class? Probably your dad’s music collection but boy is this yawning. I think I am going to die in my sleep. Wait what? What kind of Animus memory is this?? I was supposed to fight the Templars! What?! Is this a glitch or Todd’s prank?

56) Assassin’s Creed Rocky

Step into the shoes of Apollo Creed as you confront a formidable Templar known as Rocky. Despite his reputation for toughness, you, Apollo, are the true master. Prepare for an epic showdown where skill and strategy will determine the victor. Can you defeat Rocky and thwart the Templar’s plans? The fate of the Creed lies in your hands.

55) Assassin’s Creed Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Ubisoft will really blow people’s minds with this one! Spoiler alert! You are inside a memory of a chicken and your mission is to cross the road. Why? To get to the other side.

54) Assassin’s Creed Powerwash Simulator

Finally, you can scrub away the grime from the streets of Assassin’s Creed Valhalla and beyond. Immerse yourself in the soothing world of power washing as you clean every set piece from all the Assassin’s Creed games. It’s the perfect ASMR experience for when you need to unwind and relax. So grab your virtual pressure washer and get ready to make those streets sparkle!

53) Assassin’s Creed Sátántangó

In a desolated Hungarian village you are one of the villagers that gets drunk for the rest of the game. This sequel is full of hundreds of cutscenes that last 1 hour each.

52) Assassin’s Creed IKEA With Your Dad

In this mind bending sequel every opponent you face is your father, presenting an unbeatable challenge. As you navigate the labyrinthine IKEA together, you must endure his constant moaning and anxiety. Though you may share a bond akin to brothers, in this game, you are sworn enemies destined to confront each other. Can you overcome the ultimate test of familial rivalry and emerge victorious, or will the IKEA labyrinth claim you both?

51) Assassin’s Creed Late From Work

With the removal of running and fast travel, you’ll navigate the bustling city streets at a realistic pace, encountering the best side quests along the way. Feel the pressure of being late from work as you weave through crowds, dodge obstacles, and explore every corner of the cityscape. With each step, you’ll feel the weight of your mission bearing down on you, making every decision crucial to your success. Will you make it to work on time, or will the challenges of the city slow you down?

50) Assassin’s Creed Divorce

Step into the shoes of a child caught in the midst of their parents’ divorce, forced to listen to their arguments while trying to sleep in your room. The experience is heart-wrenching and impossible to escape, leaving you emotionally drained. By the end of the game, you are ready for years of therapy.

49) Assassin’s Creed Once Downloaded Immediately Deleted Game

You’ve downloaded the latest Assassin’s Creed game, only to find yourself instinctively deleting it from your hard drive moments later. It’s a puzzling glitch that defies explanation. With the Animus malfunctioning, the true mystery awaits unraveling. Can you uncover the secrets behind this strange occurrence, or will the glitch persist, leaving you questioning reality itself? The truth lies within the code.

48) Assassin’s Creed Bartender

Take on the role of a skilled assassin who also happens to be a master mixologist. Navigate through the bustling atmosphere of a lively tavern, where danger lurks in every corner. Utilize your stealthy skills to eavesdrop on conversations, gather intel, and carry out covert missions—all while crafting the perfect cocktails for your patrons. Maybe you can craft one drink for yourself? Why not? It has been a long day after all.

47) Assassin’s Creed Wish Number 1

Remember that time you had three wishes and your first wish was the one that sucked the most. Well Ubisoft has something special for you this time around! They have built a game that uses the latest technology to bring every gamer their wish number 1. Here is an example of three common wishes. Wish number 1: I wish that I was cool. Wish number 2: I wish that I am rich. Wish number 3: I wish that I live forever. In this example you start as the coolest cat around. You are an ice cube. You have to finish the game before you melt but it is impossible because you are an ice cube. What a ride! It’s a true Assassin’s Creed game after all!

46) Assassin’s Creed Infinite

Assume the role of Master Chief, an ancient futuristic warrior, as he battles against the Banished Templar, an alien faction threatening the fabric of reality. Armed with advanced weaponry and special equipment like the Grappleshot, players must navigate treacherous terrain, engage in intense firefights, and unravel the mysteries of a universe on the brink of collapse. Get ready for an adrenaline-pumping adventure unlike anything you’ve experienced before!

45) Assassin’s Creed Fallout 5

Assassin’s Creed, Assassin’s Creed never changes. Glitching haystacks are laid all over the wasteland waiting for you to jump in them. Long in the making, Assassin’s Creed Fallout 5 is expected to release in 2032.

44) Assassin’s Creed Fentanyl

This time around your character decides to take Fentanyl instead of Animus. The results are somewhat relaxing. Watch as your character sleeps 20 hours straight on a subway station concrete floor. Intense battles are a distant memory at this point. Time to zone off. Just one fix.

43) Assassin’s Creed One Last Breath

Please come now, I think I’m falling

I’m holding on to all I think is safe

It seems I found the road to nowhere

And I’m trying to escape

I yelled back when I heard thunder

But I’m down to one last breath

And with it, let me say

Let me say

Hold me now

I’m six feet from the edge and I’m thinking

Maybe six feet ain’t so far down

42) Assassin’s Creed Destruction Derby

Fight against all your favorite Assassin’s Creed characters in a new destruction derby style racing game from Ubisoft! Realtime destruction mechanics and like over 10 maps all around the world. How about racing around the pyramids? Or an ice ring at Valhalla? This game will blow your fucking mind!

41) Assassin’s Creed NHL 94

Time to lace up your skates and hit the ice in a battle for the Stanley Cup! Prepare to face off against the nefarious Templar team in every match as you strive for hockey glory. Ubisoft breaks new ground by introducing innovative 2D graphics to the Assassin’s Creed franchise, providing a fresh and unique gaming experience. Get ready for revamped fighting mechanics that deliver the most realistic hockey combat ever seen in a video game. It’s time to show your skills on the ice and lead your team to victory in this thrilling blend of assassin action and hockey mayhem!

42) Assassin’s Creed Story

Step into the imaginative world of a small boy’s room, where you join a colorful cast of toys on a quest for the ultimate prize: the boy’s attention. In this whimsical sequel, you’ll utilize stealth mechanics to navigate the precarious landscape of a child’s playroom, blending seamlessly into your surroundings.

41) Assassin’s Creed Baby Got Back

Ubisoft teams up with rap group Sir Mix A Lot to bring you a never before seen masterpiece in gaming. You use Animus to get inside the memory of a big butt. They used months to model a realistic toilet bowl for this game. Engineers all over the world want to use this sequel’s 3d graphics to build toilet bowls. It’s just so good!

40) Assassin’s Creed The Barbarian

Master actor Arnold Schwarzenegger was approached by the Ubisoft team to play once again Conan The Barbarian. Arnold is back! But there is a twist! You use Animus to play as Conan the barbarian and fight your way in the 1980’s South France. Side Quests include winery building and drinking wine. When your character gets too drunk he starts wielding his huge sword around. The French are baffled!

39) Assassin’s Creed Predator

Anytime. Over here. Anytime. See that in the trees? It’s the fucking Predator. Nothing will prepare you as you get inside the memory of Hawkins. His mind is so twisted and fucked up that you question reality itself. Try to finish the mission when the monologue inside your head is filled with “pussy jokes”. At press time Ubisoft did not comment on the status of this sequel. But we know it’s out there. Hiding.

38) Assassin’s Creed Drive Down The Memory Lane

With the incredible power of the Animus, Ubisoft presents the biggest sequel yet, allowing you to explore the infinite depths of the DNA chain. Relive cherished memories and poignant moments as you drive down the lanes of nostalgia. From the tree where you shared your first kiss to the park bench where your heart was broken, every corner holds a piece of your history. That was actually the park bench where she broke up with you after you told her that you love Assassin’s Creed games. Remember the time you ate peanuts and discovered your allergy? This game will leave you breathless!

37) Assassin’s Creed The Hedgehog

Experience thrilling gameplay mechanics as you dash through vibrant environments, mastering the art of running, jumping, and collecting rings. Get ready for an extra dose of nostalgia as this sequel takes on the beloved sidescroller format, offering a perfect blend of classic and modern gaming. With its fast-paced action and addictive gameplay, speedrunners are sure to flock to this exciting new adventure. Lace up your sneakers and prepare to race through memories like never before in Assassin’s Creed The Hedgehog!

36) Assassin’s Fear And Loathing

You are somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs begin to take hold. You say something like “I feel a bit lightheaded; maybe you should drive. . . .” And suddenly there is a terrible roar all around and the sky is full of what look like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which is going about a hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice is screaming “Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn Templars?”

35) Assassin’s Creed Hurt

Ubisoft explores a darker and more introspective approach to the franchise. Inspired by the haunting lyrics of the 90s Nine Inch Nails classic, this game delves into themes of pain, self-reflection, and resilience. Navigate through a world where every action leaves a mark, challenging players to confront their own mortality and inner demons. With its emotionally charged narrative and atmospheric gameplay, Assassin’s Creed Hurt promises to push boundaries and captivate audiences in ways never seen before.

34) Assassin’s Creed Watching A Squirrel In A Tree

Immerse yourself in the tranquil setting of Germany in 1786. As a nobleman in a park, your primary objective is simple: watch a squirrel in a tree. However, the true challenge lies in the intricacies of the side missions, all of which revolve around observing the squirrel in various contexts and environments. Exciting!

33) Assassin’s Creed At The Grocery Store

What to eat tonight? You are inside the memory of a grocery store customer. I hope it’s pizza again! This sequel is focused more on different endings you’ll have through your decisions. You can choose pizza or you can choose different kinds of pizza. Fun right?

32) Assassin’s Creed Alone In A Car

Ever felt sad? You will now.

31) Assassin’s Creed Sewage System Repair Man

The main mission of this game is so disgusting that Ubisoft is afraid that anybody will be interested in playing this game. The mission involves you to clean the sewage system of 1970s New York. Fight against alligators and homeless people with rats in their mouth in this most accurate historical open world ever made.

30) Assassin’s Creed 4ever

This sequel has been in development hell since the first Assassin’s Creed game back in 2007. Rumored to be the greatest sequel ever made. Early leaks tell otherwise. Gaming community is worried.

29) Assassin’s Creed Episode 3

After the success of Assassin’s Creed II, Ubisoft outsourced the next sequel to Valve. The sequel has yet to be released. Rumored to be in development hell for ages.

28) Assassin’s Creed Dinner With Gordon Ramsay

Ubisoft tests its wings on the cooking simulator genre with this anticipated sequel to one of the greatest franchises ever made. Main mission is to prepare an ala carte dinner for Gordon Ramsay. Side missions include preparing side dishes and desserts. Gordon Ramsay is rumored to be one of the toughest final bosses in gaming history.

27) Assassin’s Creed Hitman

After meeting with Ezio, Agent 47 goes missing. Roll the credits.

26) Assassin’s Creed Fetal Position

First cutscene of this game shows the main character jumping into a haystack and for some reason staying there a considerable amount of time. The game has only one mission and that is to stay inside the comforting dark haystack in a fetal position and cry yourself to sleep.

25) Assassin’s Creed Shock

Plunge into the depths of an ancient underwater city known as Rapture City. While it may not be Atlantis, the mysteries that await you beneath the waves are just as thrilling. Dive into the memories of a man endowed with extraordinary abilities, including the power to shoot fire from his hand.

24) Assassin’s Creed Clean Your Plate

The liver casserole is not tasty enough for you? Think about the children in Africa. If you don’t clean your plate, you will have no tv for the rest of the week!

23) Assassin’s Creed Is A Afraid

Ubisoft has no idea what this game is about and they don’t care.

22) Assassin’s Creed Avenger

The leaked cutscene of this sequel showcases the protagonist’s dramatic plunge into a toxic radioactive waste barrel. While this departure from the usual haystacks may seem unconventional, it’s a bold move by Ubisoft that hints at a fresh and innovative approach to the franchise.

21) Assassin’s Creed Taste

The aliens have come from space to make burgers out of humans. You are inside the memory of a New Zealand man called Derek and ready to eliminate all the alien bastards. Weapons include chainsaw and a bowl of vomit. Prepare for intense battles and unexpected twists as you fight to save humanity from becoming intergalactic fast food. Will you have the stomach to face the ultimate culinary showdown?

20) Assassin’s Creed Shrunk The Brotherhood

Honey? I shrunk the brotherhood! As the Brotherhood is mysteriously shrunken down, you must navigate the vast open world from a new perspective. Embark on a journey through the intricate landscapes of a Templar’s body, from crawling through ear canals to striking at the heart of their brain with your blade. With a massive open world to explore, every grain of sand and drop of water presents a new challenge to overcome. Get ready for an epic adventure where size doesn’t matter, but stealth and strategy are key. Will you unravel the mystery and restore the Brotherhood to its rightful size?

19) Assassin’s Creed To The Future

Great Scott! Embark on a time-bending adventure with Doc Brown and a hotwired Animus attached to a DeLorean! Abstergo Industries has recruited Doc to alter the course of history and prevent Ubisoft from creating any more games in the Assassin’s Creed franchise. Travel to the 2000s USA, where you’ll navigate through iconic landmarks and pivotal moments in gaming history.

18) Assassin’s Creed Busters

17) Assassin’s Creed Doing The Laundry

Ever wondered what it was like to wash your dirty hood and boots in the holy land in 1191? Well soon you can with the Assassin’s Creed Doing The Laundry game. Range of weapons includes some rocks and wood. You will soon realize that white hood and blood don’t mix that well.

16) Assassin’s Creed Change A Broken Tire

Assassin’s Creed fans aka. Creed Heads have wished for this sequel for a long time. One of the most interesting concepts in the Assassin’s Creed universe comes to life in a beautiful open world tire changing simulator. Time to get your hands dirty and change those pesky Templars!

15) Assassin’s Creed At The Drive Thru

Brace yourself for a pulse-pounding experience as you wait for your turn inside a car! With no haystacks in sight, your only obstacles are the tantalizing temptations of fast food and the looming specter of diabetes and cardiac arrest.

14) Assassin’s Creed At The Zoo

Begin your journey as a captive gorilla, locked in a cage by the zoo’s Templar president. But as you uncover the truth behind the zoo’s sinister operations, you rise up to overthrow your captors and liberate your fellow animals. With stealth and cunning, navigate through the various exhibits, using your strength and agility to outmaneuver the Templar guards and free the oppressed creatures of the zoo.

13) Assassin’s Creed Warehouse

Step into the daily life of a logistics expert at the Ubisoft warehouse, situated in the vast expanse of the Sahara desert. As you navigate the intricacies of storing and organizing massive amounts of Assassin’s Creed sequels, you’ll encounter challenges and secrets hidden within the sprawling facility. Main mission includes sitting hours in the toilet playing Assassin’s Creed Rebellion

12) Assassin’s Creed Doom Scroll

Ubisoft introduces a game tailored to the digital age, set within the intricate depths of the Assassin’s Creed User Interface. Journey through an endless stream of settings and options, meticulously crafted to capture the attention of dopamine addicts everywhere. As you delve deeper into the interface, you’ll find yourself navigating through a labyrinth of choices, each more captivating and soul-crushing than the last. But beware, for the allure of endless scrolling may lead to a descent into despair, leaving you haunted by the echoes of your own toilet flush. Will you find solace amidst the chaos of the Doom Scroll, or will you succumb to its tantalizing grip? The choice is yours buddy!

11) Assassin’s Creed Judgement Day

In a twisted turn of events the Animus transports you into the memory of the formidable killing machine, T-1000. Tasked with protecting John Connor from the clutches of the evil Templars. Yet again Arnold reprised one of his famous roles for this amazing video game crossover sequel. He’ll be back.

10) Assassin’s Creed Ridley Scott’s Napoleon

One of the greatest movies ever made turned into a one of the greatest sequels to one of the greatest video game franchises ever made. Metacritic score will explode with this one.

9) Assassin’s Creed CSI Miami

Oh shit! Murder has been committed at the Abstergo Industries. Horatio Caine is here and he just took off his sunglasses. As a DNA warrior, you must utilize your stealth mechanics to navigate through the crime scene and evade detection. With no haystacks in sight, your skills will be put to the ultimate test as you unravel the mystery behind the murder and stay one step ahead of Horatio’s keen eye.

8) Assassin’s Creed And Butt-head

You said ‘Animus’ uhuhuh huh.

7) Assassin’s Creed 76

Behold. The greatest multiplayer game ever made is coming to you soon. This sequel will define what multiplayer games are made of.

6) Assassin’s Creed Field

Ever imagined traversing galaxies brimming with Assassin’s Creed worlds? Well, dream no more, Ezio! The upcoming sequel to the best franchise ever made is going to take blast from the past to the next level. We are talking about completely bending time and going to space. Equip your sword and prepare for zero-gravity assassinations. With over 1000 planets and historical timelines to explore, this expansive open-world game, years in the making, promises an unparalleled adventure.

5) Assassin’s Creed, Coyote And Badger

Every great hero requires steadfast companions. Among the finest are Coyote and Badger, who journey together under the cloak of night. Your mission? Join their furry escapades and venture into an immersive open world like never before, all while remembering to take occasional naps. The innovative Trail Camera System (TCS) revolutionizes gameplay in this Assassin’s Creed installment, allowing you to control your character solely from its perspective.

4) Assassin’s Creed PGA Tour

You like golf? Neither do we. But fear not! The next Ubisoft classic brings Assassin’s Creed to where it truly belongs: the lush green fields of the PGA Tour. Utilize your sword and stealth kills to secure that elusive hole-in-one. Just be sure not to trip over your hood in the process.

3) Assassin’s Creed At The Movies

Lights, camera, action! In this sequel, Ubisoft takes you to 1920s Hollywood, the era of early cinema. The game is filled with cutscenes from previous Assassin’s Creed titles, as your character finds themselves working in a 1920s movie theater. You’ll need to assassinate annoying customers and complete plenty of side quests, including cleaning the toilets.

2) Assassin’s Creed Suit Larry

Get ready for the sexiest adventure yet! Slip into your leisure hood and delve into a world of sleazy yet luxurious hotels, ships, beaches, resorts, and casinos. With stealth mechanics at your disposal, you can choose whether to use your charm to pick up women or explore the world at your own pace. But beware, as the seductive allure of the high life may lead to unexpected twists and turns.

1) Assassin’s Creed Tinder Date

Write to your Tinder profile that you read this list all the way down and we promise you’ll get hundreds of matches. If not, blame Ubisoft!

Suicide Squad Kills the QA Department

Posted on September 3, 2024 by Matt Fresh

LONDON — Tragedy has struck Rocksteady Studios after half of their QA department were killed by the Suicide Squad under orders from WB higher ups.

“We know that it’s not the outcome anyone wanted but it’s what had to be done,” said WB spokesperson Janet Beasly. “This decision wasn’t made lightly. It’s never easy to have to send in the Suicide Squad to kill employees but it is our duty to protect the best interest of the shareholders. If that means a few slaughtered workers then so be it. If they had wanted to live they would have made sure their game met our outrageously unrealistic expectations. They knew the risks.”

Rocksteady studio head Marcus Bernard gave his own statement on the development, claiming to be shocked by the event.

“This is never what you want for your studio. We were proud of the game we made, we followed every directive that WB gave to us even when we disagreed or felt like we should be working on something else but we think that we did the best job we possibly could given the circumstances. Unfortunately that wasn’t good enough and WB told us that drastic measures must be taken to rectify their losses. They demanded we choose a department to gut. Literally. It’s never an easy decision but if anyone was going to get killed by the Suicide Squad over this it had to be the QA department. It sure as hell wasn’t going to be, none of this is my fault, I’m just in charge. Had to be them, easily replaced.”

WB CEO David Zaslav weighed in on the decision to send in the Suicide Squad.

“At the end of the day I run a business. We make content and when that content doesn’t make enough money for me or the shareholders then you have to do something. You can’t just let something be a financial loss. Frankly I blame myself because I should have canceled that game for a tax write-off before it was ever released but I didn’t even know we made video games until last week when the numbers came in. As CEO of this company it’s my duty as the one in charge of everything to send the Suicide Squad to kill whoever is responsible for this company not performing well.”

At press time, David Zaslav is reportedly planning on implanting all WB employees with bombs in their head in the event his decision making leads to them making another flop.

Brennan Lee Mulligan’s Entire Life Revealed to Be Elaborate “Game Changer” Bit

Posted on September 3, 2024 by Kyle Duggan

LOS ANGELES — Comedian Brennan Lee Mulligan’s entire upbringing and career were recently revealed to be part of one of Sam Reich’s trademark tricks for Dropout’s “Game Changer” show.

“Honestly, we chose him entirely at random,” said Reich. “We’re really lucky that he turned out to be an incredible comedian and performer. My father’s status from serving at the Federal Trade Commision in Carter’s administration allowed me several remarkable opportunities, one of which was to pick an infant to build an entire brand around when I was only four years old. When ‘The Truman Show’ came out in ‘98, I was worried that our thunder had been stolen. It’s very fortunate that he started playing Dungeons & Dragons and gave us a different angle.”

Mulligan noted that he was surprised—but not shocked—by the revelation.

“This is the kind of prank that could only happen under the oppressive paradigm of capitalism,” said Mulligan, staring directly at the camera as he leaned over a podium. “And you may think it’s just me, but these systems control all of us. Do you think that you are in charge of your own life? Friend, you are no different than me. A world where Elon Musk controls the majority of human discourse is not a world in which we are free to make our own decisions.”

Actress, playwright, and Mulligan’s mother Elaine Lee commented on her participation in the bit.

“Of course it was a difficult decision, but I saw Sam’s vision,” said Lee. “It was more than just embarrassing my son and making him question his sanity; it was the foundation of an entire media franchise. Besides, it’s not like I had any choice in the matter. Sam was present at Brennan’s birth, ready to scoop him up. He’s been here the whole time.”

At press time, Reich noted that he had an even bigger secret to reveal. Several witnesses reported that reality itself seemed to glitch when shortly after the announcement.

10 Lord of the Rings Characters Who Also Deserve Their Own Self-Indulgent Spinoff

Posted on September 3, 2024 by Kyle Duggan

Warner Bros. recently announced “The Lord of the Rings: The Hunt for Gollum,” an artistically bankrupt effort to rip Andy Serkis away from 20th Century Studios’ Planet of the Apes franchise so he can do motion capture for them, instead. While the report of Gollum’s capture may be one of the more dull untold stories of the saga, there are even more pointless tales from the legendarium that should be told. Here are ten characters that deserve their own spinoff.

Tom Bombadil

There. You happy? Do you actually want this? Really? Just two hours of a stocky little guy in yellow boots gallivanting around the forest? Maybe singing some cute little songs? Solving problems throughout the woods with his ineffable powers? You know what, I’m gonna move on before I talk myself into this.

Figwit

This guy is present at the Council of Elrond, so he’s got to be pretty important. I imagine he got up to all sorts of stuff before and after the audience met him. Maybe he was an observer at Morgoth’s binding, or perhaps he was just off to the side as Frodo boarded the ship that would take him from the Grey Havens to the Undying Lands.

Curmudgeonly Hobbit Sweeping Walkway

One of Peter Jackson’s most contentious decisions while making The Lord of the Rings films was his omission of the Scouring of the Shire, a section of the novels where Frodo and his hobbit companions must rally their countrymen to reclaim their land from outside invaders led by the corrupted wizard Saruman. It shows that the wider conflict has not spared their idyllic homeland.

In the films, however, the Shire is spared. The four hobbits return to find their country unchanged, despite the growth they have experienced themselves. They find that they no longer fit into this land the way that they used to. Frodo is so traumatized that he eventually leaves Middle-Earth entirely. Young Merry and Pippin return as heroes, ready to lead. Sam—okay, Sam doesn’t really change. This theme is underlined by the shot of an older hobbit watching them return as he sweeps his front walk, just as he was doing when they left.

I want to know what this guy’s been up to. What other chores does he have? Has he experienced any other moments of transient joy, like when he saw Gandalf delight the hobbit children with his fireworks? Just how dirty does that walkway get, anyway?

Barliman Butterbur

Just do fantasy “Cheers.” Butterbur is Coach, Nob is Sam, and Rosie Cotton runs away to Bree for a few years to fill the Diane role. It basically writes itself.

Mouth of Sauron

Cut from the theatrical edition of “Return of the King,” the Mouth of Sauron is the Dark Lord’s herald. Not very much is known about him, except for the fact that he is some kind of sorcerer or magician. There’s our hook. We see his rise from a lowly birthday performer, all the way to a prestigious Vegas residency. After incurring more gambling debt than he can pay, his assistant dies during a tragic and suspicious accident during his performance. Disgraced, he is forced to seek work at the only place that would take him—Mordor.

Gothmog

This guy kind of comes out of nowhere, and I’d like to know more about him. I’m not curious about why he shares a name with an infamous balrog, but I do want to know if he ever got caught up in some treasure-hunting escapades with his criminal family. Maybe he even befriended a young boy who was with a rival treasure-hunting group after being offered a candy bar.

Celeborn

This is a classic boomer sitcom where a henpecked husband must endure being constantly outfoxed by his disproportionately attractive wife. I’m sure the elves of Lorien can make a very comfortable easy chair out of a mallorn tree.

Dwarf Who Was About to Volunteer for the Fellowship Right Before Gimli Did

Gimli wasn’t the only dwarf at the Council of Elrond. He was just the quickest to stand up. Imagine how this guy must have felt. A little relieved, sure, but the FOMO would be through the roof. Did he just go home, wondering about what could have been and assuming that he would be able to kill more orcs than any elf? I’ve got to know!

The Moth Gandalf Whispered To

I mean, this must have been some adventure. A moth traveling over 400 miles to deliver a message to a bunch of giant eagles? I guess that some butterflies migrate vast distances, but I don’t think they do it solo. I want to see how this guy avoided getting eaten, swatted down, or just plain exhausted as he traversed the length of the Misty Mountains. It sounds like a harrowing tale.

Bill the Pony

I may have sounded sarcastic in the last entry, but I need to be clear that I unironically want a Bill the Pony movie. He found his way back to Bree all the way from Moria! That’s an incredible journey, which is literally the title of a film where animals find their way back home against incredible odds! Since we never technically see him reunite with Sam in the movies, I think we all deserve a scene where the hobbit stands despondent at The Prancing Pony, bemoaning how Bill was just too old for the trip—only to see the tiny stallion trot over the horizon at that exact moment. Please, Peter Jackson, make this happen.

Cosmere RPG Rulebooks Just Brandon Sanderson’s Collected Works

Posted on September 2, 2024 by Kyle Duggan

LOS ANGELES — After securing nearly $15 million in funds through a Kickstarter campaign, Brandon Sanderson announced that the core books for his in-development tabletop RPG will be the entire corpus of his written work, sources confirm.

“I write hard magic systems,” said Sanderson during an episode of his “Writing Excuses” podcast. “That means you can’t throw out a single word. If a player hasn’t read all of my books, then the whole magical architecture collapses. It quite literally becomes dangerous to use. Besides, there needs to be a cost for all things. In order to play my RPG, you must sacrifice the funds necessary to obtain every single novel I have ever written. You might think that this would exclude my non-Cosmere works, but remember, it’s a hard magic system. That means it’s comprehensive.”

Sanderson’s fans were thrilled with the announcement.

“Another win for the hardest working writer in genre fiction,” said Neil Hopkins, who works over seventy hours every week between three jobs. “I’m just glad that someone who understands magic is making a TTRPG. Magic isn’t supposed to be mysterious or enigmatic, and it’s certainly not supposed to illuminate themes within a narrative. It’s supposed to be a simple system where you trade points for very specific powers. Also, I’m glad that there will finally be a TTRPG where sex is explicitly prohibited. I hate horny players.”

Industry analysts were less optimistic about Sanderson’s foray into the gaming space.

“Sure, twenty years ago, this game would have been a hit,” said Jonas Buchanan, a prominent tabletop blogger. “Back then, most games were rigid, rules-based affairs. They were just like Sanderson’s books. Any time you wanted to do anything interesting or creative, you had to rely on your DM to loosen up a little bit. That’s not the case anymore. There are many systems that allow for much more open and free play. Unfortunately for Sanderson, the current TTRPG environment favors storytelling over nitpicky mechanics. It’s a shame he is so focused on the latter.”

At press time, Sanderson announced that he had written three more novels that will be added to the game’s required core materials.

“Hades II” Characters Ranked by How Tender & Giving They’d Be As Lovers

Posted on September 2, 2024 by Peter Ferrarese

EREBUS — It’s well known that the residents of the underworld and Olympus are all impressive when it comes to combat. But that’s not the reason we play Hades II. Or…not the only reason, at least. Let’s get down to brass tacks, folks: which one of these stupidly sexy mythological motherfuckers would make for the most tender, caring and giving romantic partner? We know you’ve thought about it at least once (I mean, look at you), and here at Hard Drive we live for such groundbreaking journalism as this. As such, we’ve taken the liberty of breaking it down for you. All of this is objective fact and we promise we are not biased in any way.

12. Narcissus

I mean, this one’s pretty obvious, right? It’s in the name. There’s no way this chiseled hunk could give two phantom shits about anyone other than himself. He’s literally where the term narcissism comes from…and that does extend to the bedroom. You think this guy is going to gently caress your skin like silk, or look into your eyes until your very spirits begin to merge? Get real.

11. Eris

Woof, that haircut. Bark, bark– sorry, that was unbecoming of me. Eris, daughter of Nyx, is strife incarnate, and she usually behaves like a spoiled brat for most of the game. She’s mischievous, which can be hot under the right circumstances, but she’s not mature enough for you and you know it. Tender? Caring? She doesn’t know those words. We’ve all dated someone like her at some point, right?

10. Nemesis

As the living personification of retribution, this hot tamale is cold-blooded, and would likely only have time for a quickie before going back to making Melinoë’s life more interesting. She’d just be looking to come and go, y’know? And she’d probably laugh in your face if you asked her for quality time together. But my gods, look at that wide stance. Those arms, her forearm shield…you know what? Let me stop.

9. Hecate

Hecate is the goddess of witchcraft and doorways, among other things, and while that might sound kind of hot on paper, in reality it would probably amount to having more spells cast on you than you’d like. She’s a mentor to Melinoë, so she is capable of being caring, but a gentle lover? I’m having a hard time seeing it. Those abs are mighty impressive, though.

8. Heracles

Ooh, big strong arms, protruding pecs, and a lion’s mane around his head? Sounds like a no-brainer, right? Well, yeah – the man is quite literally all brawn and no brains. He’s rugged, sure, but he’s always cold to Melinoë, and if that’s how he treats the princess of the underworld, you think he’s giving you the time of day? He wouldn’t even hold your hand or cuddle under the blanket while watching a shitty Netflix rom-com. Next!

7. Moros

Ok, now here’s where things start to get interesting. Moros is Doom incarnate, and while you might think that’s the last thing you’d want as a partner, he’s actually quite gentle once you get to know him. He’s polite, he’s cordial, he has a sense of manners. He’d probably ask for permission before going down on you. I know, I know: the bar is in Tartarus.

6. Hermes

Sure, the messenger god of commerce and travel might finish fast, but take that as a compliment, right? He’s just so excited to be with you in the first place. I mean, look at those devious eyes. That man has plans within plans for your evening, and could dart to Athens and back in the blink of an eye to bring you a bouquet of peonies. Just don’t expect him to still be there in the morning.

5. Artemis

A gentle ally to Melinoë throughout the game, Artemis may be the goddess of the hunt, but she’s also more quiet and reserved than you might expect. She’d definitely be down for a nice, relaxing stroll through the woods with you – a quality time queen! And she’s probably a low-key dom, too, with that bow perched on her shoulders the way it is. She knows her way around a mortal body. Something, something…Pressure Points?

4. Apollo

The biggest twink on Mount Olympus, Apollo would let you gently comb his golden locks, run your hands over his light-producing abs, and allow you to ride across the sky together in his chariot. Now that’s a first date! This man is literally a god of music, dance, poetry…imagine an ode written by him. Sploosh. You really can’t do much better when it comes to tender men!

3. Odysseus

Ok, I know I just said you can’t do much better than the literal god of light, but you have to give it to Odysseus: the man was at sea for ten years, he knows a thing or two about…taking his time, let’s say. For a legendary hero, he’s also one of the most normal people in Erebus. He’s bashful when Melinoë disrobes in the bath…if only someone reacted like that to me taking off my clothes! Sure, he may be a serial cheater, but this isn’t a list of how faithful they’d be, damn it! He’d show you a good time, and would treat you right, for as long (or short) of a time as that may be.

2. Aphrodite

Come on now. The Olympian goddess of love, sex and beauty herself? She knows every trick in the book, and knows just how you like it, you little freak. She’s got skin as smooth as satin and her love language is all of the love languages at once – she’d be generous, loving, appreciative of your nectar and ambrosia and willing to return the favor. It’d be a romance as incomparable as… a thing that you can’t compare something to! There would be paintings depicting her gentle touch on your unworthy mortal thighs. Well, until Ares walked in the door, that is.

1. Selene

Selene, Selene, SELENE MY QUEEN! She’s the literal Moon, for Zeus’s sake! Look at those kind eyes, that flowing dress, that hair! Selene is nothing but kind and affectionate, like the radiant light of the moon itself. She also has a fun side and craves a little adrenaline now and then. She’d be supportive of your ambitions, your desires, your bedroom kinks, and on top of it all, she’s a great listener and would probably be a great gift-giver too. You think you could find a more giving, tender lover? You’re dreaming even harder than Hypnos, my friend.

So there you have it, our definitive list that we definitely didn’t put any thought into at all. We hope we’ve helped you fantasize just a little bit harder about your ideal love life while playing the game. That’s what we’re here for, after all.

Opinion: Millennials Would Be Able to Afford Homes If They Didn’t Let Older Kids Trick Them Into Giving Up Their Most Valuable Pokémon Cards

Posted on September 2, 2024 by Andrew Quemere

I’m sick of hearing millennials whine about how they can’t afford homes. The truth is, everyone in this spoiled generation would be living it up if they hadn’t let older kids trick them into giving up their most valuable Pokémon cards.

The Pokémon Trading Card Game’s original 1999 Base Set provided millennials with the most valuable assets they’ve ever had their hands on. Twenty-five years later, some holographic cards from this set can be worth tens or even hundreds of thousands of dollars. However, reports suggest most millennials were hustled out of these holos by older, shrewder children, locking them out of the housing market and lowering the standard of living for their entire generation.

I’ve heard some truly embarrassing anecdotes about millennials who foolishly gave away these golden tickets for little or nothing. One was beaten by an older kid who misrepresented the rules, saying that the winner got to keep the loser’s six prize cards, which included two First Edition Blastoise holos. This millennial later read the rule book and found out that’s not what the prize cards were for, but the older kid wouldn’t give them back.

In another case, a millennial traded a bunch of his Base Set holos after an older kid at a Toys “R” Us Pokémon League told him they were fake because the borders around the artwork didn’t have drop shadows. He later learned that shadowless cards are actually from an earlier print than cards with shadows and are more valuable. Yikes!

Advocates have been calling on local and state governments, Congress, and the president to take action to increase the affordability of housing, saying that an economy based on who was lucky enough to hang on to a bunch of decades-old trading cards isn’t fair.

But why should some dimwit who traded a PSA 10 First Edition Base Set Charizard for one of those Ancients Mew promo cards they gave out with tickets for Pokémon the Movie 2000 be bailed out by someone who played by the rules and kept their holos in a binder until the market was hot?

If millennials want to be taken seriously, it’s time for them to stop acting so entitled and take some responsibility for themselves by learning how to cheat today’s children out of cool collectibles that might become valuable someday.

Woman Runs Back Into Burning House To Make Sure It Destroys Husband’s Gaming Chair

Posted on September 1, 2024 by Travis Tack

EDISON, N.J. — Local homeowner Lindsay Roach was seen sprinting back into her burning house to ensure that the flames consumed her husband’s gaming chair, bystanders confirm.

“I know it’s a risky decision, but we had family over. I had to double check that everyone got out and none of them tried to save the chair,” Mrs. Roach told officials. “Nothing is more important to me than saving my family from that chair. It doesn’t match anything and it’s falling apart. Plus, it’s weird. I mean—people come over and they see the chair and they say ‘I didn’t know you had kids’ and then I have to pretend we have kids. I don’t want to live like that.”

First Responders on the scene were very critical of Roach’s decision to re-enter the house.

“Listen – you should never run into a burning building or buy a gaming chair. It’s not worth throwing your life away like that,” explained Lieutenant Alan Bradshaw. “We have a saying in the fire service: Risk a lot to save a lot, risk little to save little, and risk nothing for a gaming chair because they’re ugly as hell.”

The Lieutenant went on to explain that Mrs. Roach didn’t have to worry, because those chairs are all made of cheap foam and polyurethane and will melt almost immediately.

“You could smell that chair burning from two doors down,” complained one of the Roach’s neighbors. “It smelled almost as bad as it did before it caught fire…Personally, I never understood gamers. Why couldn’t the guy have a normal hobby, like ‘Magic: The Gathering’? You don’t need any special chairs for ‘Magic: The Gathering’, all you need is a deck of spells, a dash of luck and a lonely childhood.”

At the time of publication, Mrs. Roach was busy trying to throw her husband’s funko pop collection back into the burning house. Her husband could not be reached for comment because he was weeping uncontrollably.

It’s August 2024 and You are Publicly Transgender on Twitter Dot Com

Posted on August 31, 2024 by Ouro M

You should have gone to bed a few hours ago, and to be fair, you did — but not to fall asleep. No, you’ve been doomscrolling on Twitter for whoever knows how long. You don’t want to look at the clock.

You’ll always call it Twitter. Your friends joke that it’s the only appropriate time to use a deadname. One of your mutuals posted a joke about that earlier, and you would have retweeted it, if they hadn’t gotten suspended for saying ‘cis’ in a tweet thirty seconds later.

It’s a slur, apparently, according to Elon. You haven’t seen justice for all the ones you’ve been called in the past, though.

Maybe you’re in a bedroom that belongs to someone else; someone dead yet still here, a friend, a lover, or family, if you’re one of the lucky few to still have it. You’ve heard the stories, and you keep hearing them day by day by day. Families ousting their children without a second thought, perhaps like yourself — or, possibly worse, you’re allowed to remain housed with some sort of caveat that you must perform to the standards of those keeping a roof over your head.

Cis people are weird about trans people. But you can’t tweet that. Not without accidentally proving your point.

Regardless, you are still doomscrolling on Twitter, stupid rules or not.

You feel it’s gotten slowly worse over the last month. Well, it was already pretty bad, but it’s as if every day comes with a new lambasting of anti-trans sentiment. Last week (or was it two weeks ago? Lockdown still wreaks havoc on your ability to tell time.) you were seeing, all over, grifters crawling out of the woodwork to claim that Mr. Beast’s transgender friend was the downfall of the millionaire’s career, or something stupid like that.

Reasonable person you are, you politely (or perhaps aggressively, you’re entitled to defend yourself) told others that Ava Tyson was just a trans woman doing her own thing, and she’s allowed to find herself. Perhaps you related to the struggle of daring to be transfem on the internet. Perhaps you were just defending your sisters.

And then this week she was allegedly outed for being a pedophile. Or just liking one weird thing from Shadman. You haven’t looked into the details, nor do you really want to. The same grifters claiming she was out to destroy her friend’s career are now doubling down. Every other tweet you’ve seen for the last while has been about Ava Tyson, amongst all the Gofundmes of your mutuals and mutuals-in-law.

You’d donate if you could. All you can do is retweet. Curious, you scroll back, only to find not one has been fully funded yet, only garnering scraps of retweets, likes, and supportive replies.

Absently, you wonder how much those blue-check accounts are making. Maybe those could cover the costs of at least a few of them.

Backing out of your own account to continue down your timeline, switching from ‘For You’ to ‘Following’ to hopefully see some brighter posts, you’re greeted by what’s expected of your mutuals. Maybe it’s swathes of fanart of your favorite franchise. Maybe it’s simple life posts about daily goings-on, like the silly things their pets get up to. Maybe it’s fursuit WIPs upon WIPs. Perhaps a blend of all, or something completely different.

But soon, a name keeps popping up. Imane Khelif. Oh, right, the Olympics are happening, aren’t they? Initially, it’s a few posts. Quote-retweets of those you follow dunking on weird people. Apparently this lady beat a different boxer in, like, forty seconds, and people are being racist about it because the other boxer was white. Or something. It’s late, and you’re only sort-of following this thread.

As you scroll, though, more posts keep coming. All about Imane.

They’re calling her a man.

But Imane Khelif is a completely cisgender woman.

Soon, your timeline — both following and algorithmic — are blowing up. She’s a man. She’s a woman. She has high testosterone. She’s been tested, and doesn’t. Logan Paul (or was it the other one?) jumps in. Elon Musk. JK Rowling — whose house is apparently full of black mold which might explain some things — butts in with her opinion, because of course she does.

You’ve seen this all before, at least in chunks and pieces. Caster Semenya catching heat for ‘high testosterone levels’. The actual transgender boxer in this year’s Olympics — Hergie Bacyadan — being forced to compete against women, despite being an out trans man. Frivolous claims of men transitioning and upturning their entire lives solely to gain an advantage in a women’s league.

You think about Michael Phelps. You wonder if having above-average testosterone is as much of an advantage as being double-jointed having no fear response. Or does it only matter when it threatens the binary?

You turn off your phone and roll over in bed. Every other day, you hear something. A death. An attack. One of your friends being accused of all manner of things for the sole crime of doing an innocuous activity while being transgender. As soon as a trans person does it, it’s a ‘fetish,’ apparently.

You think about the death rates. About your replies being full of “41%” comments the last time you were brave enough to post a picture. The public oglings by those who see you as a novel sex object, the fear, the sheer danger you and others put yourselves in by merely daring to exist out in public. Knowing that, at any moment, someone you looked up to can just declare you a target.

But sure. Cis people are the ones suffering prosecution, you scoff to yourself.

It’s late now. Too late to still be awake on a work night. Imane is charging those who targeted her with defamation in a court of law. You’re hanging out with your friends tomorrow. You could use some air.

It’s a small victory. But it’s what keeps you going.

Maybe September will bring greener pastures.

High School Friend Group Found Dead After Man Abandons Questline To Attend College

Posted on August 31, 2024 by Nik Theorin

PHILADELPHIA – A tight-knit group of high school friends was found dead last week after a young man abandoned their questline to attend college out of state, sources report.

“No matter how many times you see it, it never gets any easier,” said Florence Hughes, the detective assigned to the case. “Four young people—kids, really—cut down on the eve of adulthood, all because someone couldn’t be bothered to advance their questline before progressing too far into Sarah Lawrence College. It makes me sick.”

“Unfortunately, tragedies like these are extremely common among recent graduates, especially ones who don’t check in with their old buddies or fail to exhaust all their dialogue before unlocking Spring Semester,” continued Hughes. “People tend to take a fatalistic view of death after the fact, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. For some of these kids, staying in touch would have been as simple as a phone call every now and then. A text. An email. Leaving and then reloading the area to trigger Jackson’s new dialogue about breaking up with his high school girlfriend. With a little effort, all this could’ve been avoided. But I guess a little effort is too much for some people.”

News of the friend group’s unexpected death, whose members had known each other since middle school and reportedly survived the Covid pandemic as well as several doomed inter-group relationships, landed hardest amongst the teens’ parents.

“I’m not sure how to talk about it,” said Wendy Stalh, mother to Jackson Stalh, the friend group’s resident extrovert and chronic flake. “One day, you’re doing chores and going about your life, and the next, your only son is found ambiguously slumped against a tree twelve feet from the front door. At first, I thought he was taking a nap, he looked so peaceful. That’s when I noticed he was lootable. My world changed forever.”

“Jackson was a bright, kind young man,” continued Stalh. “Most days, he could be located just outside the Shaded Pizzeria, or at the entrance to Emily’s House if you’d already spoken to Emily and given her the Letter From Jackson. If Jackson’s so-called friend had been there to help fight off the roaming Gentleman Callers, he could’ve opened up a new dialogue that might’ve saved Jackson’s life, and earned him a summonable wingman for future romances. But it’s like my mother used to say, you can’t fix a broken heart with could-bes. I just hope those who knew him remember my Jackson as he was. A sweetheart. A goofball with big dreams. An optional encounter who drops Wadded Gum as well as the Mother’s Lament gesture when killed.”

The young man responsible for abandoning his friend group expressed regret for the way things turned out, but firmly denied any accusation of wrongdoing.

“Jesus, I was gone for, what, a month?” said Chris Lawton, a first-year at Sarah Lawrence College in New York— an unforgivable several hours’ drive from the group’s hometown of Philly. “How was I supposed to know they’d all die? I tried to keep up with them, I really did, but there’s only so many Jackbox nights I can take, and those guys were die-hard Joke Boaters anyway. I thought I’d try slowly disengaging, just for a little while, you know? But they kept sending me cryptic texts like ‘We miss you’ and ‘Meet me in the Old Ruins’, and it’s like, what old ruins? That’s nowhere on my map. I’m just supposed to intuit where you’ll be next and what gesture I need to perform for you to drop the Ring of Emily’s Favor? If I had that much time to waste, I’d be 100-percenting all my relationships.”

“It’s horrible, of course I regret leaving, and not just because now I’m locked out of the Best Man questline and some lore-important dialogue from Jackson,” continued Lawton, who states his college friends are more easygoing and prefer Quiplash. “I loved those guys. Jackson. Emily. The blonde one. I’m so sad they’re gone. I’m gonna miss you all so much. You said the bodies were lootable though?”

At press time, the young man had been convicted on four counts of manslaughter, with a judge expected to rule in the coming week as to whether his crimes are serious enough to warrant the state-sanctioned Age of Incarceration Ending.