Indiana Jones Game Sparks Outrage For Depiction of Violence Against Nazis

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

UPPSALA, Sweden — Sprog Hoeffler, avid gamer and founder of the group “Not All Nazis”, has taken umbrage with the way Nazis are being represented in the upcoming game “Indiana Jones and the Great Circle” from developer MachineGames. 

“Why is it that the people most concerned about representation and equality are the first ones to condemn someone just because they subscribe to a different worldview?” Hoeffler bemoaned on his blog, “Sieg Heil, Not Hate.” “Do I want to exterminate the Jews? Sure, who doesn’t? But that doesn’t make me a bad person. And what’s more American than exterminating an entire group of people? I say I’m more of a patriot than any of these so-called ‘wokies’ who depict all Nazis as genocidal freaks. Some of us just really like their economic policies. Is it my fault the only way to implement them is by eradicating groups of people based on stereotypes and eugenics? Grow up.”

Biff Whipplespit, who goes by the handle Skinheads4Change on X The Everything App, posited that the Nazi depiction is just another form of discrimination. 

“I’ve had it with the double standards these libs try to cram down our throats,” Whipplespit said. “When I make a joke about George Floyd it’s racist, but when they make GIFs of prominent fascists being bonked with hammers no one cares. And when I complain about it they just make more and more gifs of Nazis being bonked with hammers. They say love is love, but when I say that I love eradicating the Jews, Catholics, Blacks, Mexicans, the Chinese, and anyone who looks at me sideways they call me a bad person. Make it make sense.”

Nicole Devalder, a researcher who specializes in the study of fascist movements, offered her insight on the recent uptick in fascist whinging. 

“All these people have is their own perceived victimhood,” Devalder said. “Even when they win, they act as though they’ve lost and the enemy is at the gates, and when they’ve lost, no matter how emphatically or no matter how many people are deriding them and their worldview they declare victory. You have to be a special kind of brain damaged to abide by this philosophy. It’s truly remarkable.”

At press time a group of fascists had gathered on a X The Everything App space to hold a victory party following a mass exodus of users who found them too annoying to be around any longer.

Game Night: Outwit Your Demonic Lesbian Stalker in ‘Sorry We’re Closed’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

I want to call Sorry We’re Closed something like “survival romance.” It’s a game about what happens when love goes bad: losing it, wanting it for the wrong reasons, not liking the changes that have happened in its wake.

It’s easiest to describe SWC as another revival of old-school survival horror, but that’s somewhat reductive. As an overall experience, it’s a messy concept album, full of strange asides, shifts in tone, toxic relationships, (in)human disasters, awkward combat mechanics, and sudden moments of shocking gore. If Nicholas Winding Refn hasn’t played this yet, he probably should.

Michelle is a convenience-store clerk who’s still hopelessly in love with her ex-girlfriend. As a result, Michelle’s just going through the motions: work, eat, sleep, repeat. It doesn’t help that Michelle’s ex has scored a starring role in a locally popular soap opera, so everywhere Michelle looks, there she is.

Michelle’s loneliness draws the attention of a demon called the Duchess, who preys upon the lovesick. The next morning, Michelle wakes up cursed, with a magical Third Eye on her forehead. She’s been marked by the Duchess as her next target of obsession, and the Duchess will return in a few days to abduct Michelle. At that point, Michelle’s as good as dead.

The Third Eye lets Michelle see through illusions, which reveals that she’s always been surrounded by the supernatural. With the help of her best friend Robyn, who’s been a demon all along, Michelle tries to find a way to undo the curse, defeat the Duchess, and/or find a way to benefit from the situation.

Initially, Sorry We’re Closed comes off like a glam-rock spin on Silent Hill, or maybe Fatal Frame filtered through David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust period. With Robyn in tow, you’re sent to explore several of the abandoned buildings that hold special significance to the occult underground of Michelle’s city. You’re quickly equipped with an axe, pistol, and shotgun, which you use to fend off the local demon population.

SWC is built around Michelle’s Third Eye, which you can activate at any time to reveal secrets or vulnerabilities in a short area around Michelle. This lets you get around obstacles, find hidden puzzle solutions, and transition between layers of reality. Whenever you get stuck, the answer is usually to take a second look with your Third Eye open.

The Third Eye also forms the core of SWC’s combat mechanics. You can shoot most demons from a distance to inflict small amounts of damage, but if you wait until they get close, you can activate the Third Eye to stun them and reveal their hearts. A successful shot to a demon’s heart inflicts significantly more damage, extends the stun, and sets up a combination attack that might kill them on the spot. When it works, it feels incredible; when it doesn’t, you’ve set yourself up to get your ass kicked.

That mechanic is why I nearly didn’t finish SWC. It’s a system that’s effectively built around high-risk, high-reward dueling, where Michelle’s at her best in one-on-one fights. You don’t have any good options to deal with multiple targets at once, but that’s most of what you fight for the latter two-thirds of the game. It’s a system that’s set up to give you a couple of major vulnerabilities, which the encounter design proceeds to exploit.

That kind of combat has always been a recipe for frustration. The single toughest fight in SWC is about halfway through the second zone, where you have to take on SWC’s version of the Resident Evil 4 cabin siege. If you can get through that, everything after it including the final boss is a comparative cakewalk.

That also marks the point at which SWC opens up. Once you get out of that zone, it breaks away from the “indie survival horror” mold and turns into something more like a violent queer rock opera. It’s colorful, well-written, and expansive, with an unsubtle but important message about love, relationships, and toxic cycles of behavior.

You can also opt to side with or backstab various characters and factions within the city, up to and including the decision to voluntarily join the Duchess. (In case you’re still down bad for Lady Dimitrescu, SWC has the medicine.) It’s got a ton of story options for you to explore, so while it’s not a long game, there’s plenty here to keep you occupied for multiple runs.

After beating the game, however, most of what I remember about Sorry We’re Closed is my frustration with its combat. It’s not conceptually flawed, but there’s a real mismatch between what it lets you do and what it asks you to do. It could use an overhaul before I gave the game an unqualified recommendation.

As it is, Sorry We’re Closed is ambitious as hell for a small team’s debut project. It’s a sprawling, bloody epic that saves most of its best visuals for its back half. There’s real skill and effort on display here, but the game’s artificial difficulty holds it back.

[Sorry We’re Closed, developed by a la mode games and published by Akupara Games, is now available for PC via Steam for $24.99. This review was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by an Akupara Games PR representative.]

Boston Man Can’t Wait to See “Wicked” Movie Everyone Talking About

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

BOSTON — Lifelong Southie resident and film enthusiast Bobby Smart can’t wait to see the new “Wicked” movie he’s heard everyone talking about so much recently, sources familiar with the matter confirm.

“This is friggin’ amazing,” Smart said in a statement. “I mean, no one’s even saying the full title of the movie! They’re just calling it ‘the wicked movie’- which I’m taking to mean as ‘wicked good’, obviously. The word’s an adverb, a lotta people forget that…but anyways, I don’t even wanna look it up and learn what it’s about. I’m picturing a gunfight or two, maybe some explosions, a climactic final battle…I’ll go into the theater completely blind to make sure I get the full experience.”

While he’s known around the neighborhood to be “pretty enthusiastic” and “sometimes a little too much”, Smart’s friends and neighbors haven’t seen him so excited for a movie in years, according to multiple reports.

“He’s been going on about it the whole damn week,” childhood friend Sam Nestor noted. “I feel like the last time he was this amped up to go to the movies was right before we went to see The Departed back in ‘06. But I don’t think he knows he’s in for a delightful adaptation of the beloved Stephen Schwartz musical starring Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande as Elphaba and Galinda, respectively. Boy, is he gonna be surprised. I can’t wait to see his reaction.”

Local AMC theater employee Martha Watson offered her thoughts on Smart’s recent behavior.

“Oh, that guy? Yeah, he comes in every so often to see a sports biopic or a Scorsese flick. I’m gonna be honest, I’m not so sure what’s got him so hyped about this one, it doesn’t seem like it’s in his wheelhouse at all.” Watson told reporters. “An origin story about the land of Oz and the Wicked Witch of the West?” After taking a pause to think, she continued: “Oh, wait a minute…he does use the word ‘wicked’ a lot. ‘That was wicked cool’…uh-oh. Is that what this is all about?”

At press time, Smart was seen exiting the theater after his showing of “Wicked” with a look of completely ambiguous shock on his face.

JD Vance Disappointed to Learn Presidential Cabinet Is Just a Bunch of People

Posted on by Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — In the wake of a historic Presidential race, Vice President elect JD Vance was eager to get into the White House and get to work, however that eagerness turned to disappointment when he learned the Presidential Cabinet is not an elegantly designed piece of furniture, sources close to him have confirmed.

“When I told him it’s actually an advisory board composed of executive department heads, I could see the light go out in his eyes,” says Susie Wiles, Trump’s newly selected Chief of Staff. “It’s like I told him Santa Claus isn’t real, you’d think an elected Senator would know that.”

As the Trump/Vance campaign headed into November, JD Vance’s fascination with the White House interior grew exponentially.

“I’m under the assumption that I will be the one sitting in the Oval Office when President Trump is out golfing,” Vance said at a truck driver luncheon last week in Reading, Pennsylvania. “It’ll just be me in there. Me in the most elegantly furnished room this great country has to offer.”

Since the election results, Republicans have gone back on former promises made. Project 2025 appears to be Trump’s policy moving forward, and the once thought to be ridiculous claims of furniture fornication hurled at Senator Vance may be true as well.

“I believe now that Trump has won we can say, yes there was evidence of Senator Vance having a relationship with his couch,” Speaker Mike Johnson admitted to our sources. “We knew before Trump selected him as his running mate. The decision was mostly made because Vance and Pence are only two letters off from each other, so 2020 merch was easy to edit.”

Sources close to the President have confirmed that Vance’s allegiance was bought by Trump with several Pottery Barn gift cards.

“When the time comes, and it will come, everybody says it’s gonna come, it came last time and it’s gonna come again,” Trump told the press regarding the January 6th insurrection. “When that time comes to barricade ourselves in the White House I know JD will have intimate and crucial knowledge.”

At press time, the White House daily itinerary has allotted Vice President Vance 15 minutes alone in the Oval Office for “JD Time.”

Remembering Geppetto, the Mario Brother Who Went Into HVAC Engineering and Died of Turtle Pox at 27

Posted on by Peter Cunis

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Today marks thirty-nine years since the passing of Gepetto Margioni, the oft-forgotten older brother of Mario (born Mario Margioni) and Luigi (born Louis Margioni). Gepetto may not have pursued the plumbing life that brought success and renown to his younger brothers, but the family still holds him in his hearts to this day.

”What you have to understand is that when the family first came to the Mushroom Kingdom from Italy, Gepetto was already seventeen — practically an adult,” recounted Luigi (speaking through an interpreter) in an interview with the New York Times, “Mario and I were still infants, and our parents were struggling to make ends meet. Gepetto didn’t go to school. He went to work. Adventures and plumbing were not options for him.”

Shortly after the family arrived in the Mushroom Kingdom, Gepetto found work in the mailroom of an engineering firm. His strong work ethic caught the eye of management, and he began shadowing the HVAC department. Over the years, he developed the skills necessary to pass his HVAC certification exam, despite not having graduated high school.

“If it wasn’t for Gepetto, Mario and I could not have pursued our plumbing dreams,” said Luigi in the same piece, “His philosophy was ‘Only take what you earn’. Many poor families in our situation would just break open blocks looking for gold coins, but Gepetto refused to take money from anything except work. And in the end, he was able to support the family and more. His income allowed us to take a risk on plumbing.”

Tragically, Gepetto would not live to see his brothers reach the height of their success.

“Like many young adult immigrants, Gepetto had the drive and determination to make a life in the new country, but he never let go of the fear and paranoia that comes from coming into a new world so abruptly,” explained Doctor Toad, Mario and Luigi’s grief counselor, “The turtle pox vaccine — especially in the 80s — was absolutely vital to survival in the Mushroom Kingdom, but Gepetto didn’t trust it. He firmly believed that the monarchy was using it to brainwash its subjects. And so, when he caught turtle pox at age twenty-seven, his fate was sealed.”

Gepetto Margioni is buried in Boo’s Boneyard Galaxy.

Velvet Room Conditions Criticized by Prisoner Rights Group

Posted on by Amity Gilmour

TOKYO — A bombshell report this week has exposed and criticized the practices employed by the “Velvet Room” private prison.

“It is time for this ruin to end,” Fools for Justice said in a press release. “For too long the Velvet Room has operated under the illusion of rehabilitation, as a means to save humanity from a terrible fate. In reality, they’re just the latest in a long line of for-profit prisons that place the CEO’s bottom line above basic human rights.”

The one-hundred and twenty page report alludes to various human rights violations committed by the Velvet Room. Among other things, it alludes to the use of executing prisoners via the electric chair, butchering prisoners in order to fuse them together in some kind of barbaric chimera-esque practice, and imprisoning teenagers without trial.

“For real!?” Ryuj Sakamoto, former track star and local delinquent, shared his thoughts with reporters. “It’s absolutely messed up what they’re doing there. A friend of mine claimed he’d been locked up there, but then again he also claimed he was banging his goth doctor, so who knows?”

Despite the extensive report provided, the Velvet Room has come out swinging, denying all allegations.

“This is a smear campaign designed to silence me,” said Igor, proprietor of the prison room. “My Velvet Room operates above and beyond what is demanded by law. Any allegations that I charge money for prisoners to execute one another are simply that: allegations, and I’ll lock up any trickster who continues to repeat them.”

At press time, prosecutor Sae Niijima announced she would be opening an investigation into Igor, albeit for crimes related to identity theft.

Sims 4 Update Restricts Pet Ownership for Unmarried Women

Posted on by Graham Morris

REDWOOD CITY, Calif — Today, EA Games and Maxis Studios introduced an update for their popular life simulator The Sims 4 that restricts unmarried, childless women sims from owning pets.

EA CEO Andrew Wilson addressed this update in a short press conference this morning.

“We pride ourselves in growing The Sims brand to adapt to the times, whether that means expanding our gender and sexuality options so all players can feel represented, or instituting restrictive social norms under a regressive government.”

This change comes in the wake of a number of comments from Vice-President Elect JD Vance criticizing the role “childless cat ladies” play in American society.

“Previously, The Sims represented a dangerous fantasy for many young women,” the upholstery enthusiast stated in an official press release, “in which they had a purpose beyond securing the existence of our people and a future for [our] children.”

The reaction to this latest update from The Sims community online has been split, with some disappointed in the stripping of their Sims’ basic rights, freedom and autonomy, and others expressing joy at seeing people they disagree with suffer.

On Reddit, dataminer “will_wrong” dug into the patch for hints at future content. “I found strings with the ‘proj2025’ label, some unused models for a ‘library_bonfire’ social event, and weirdly enough, the ability to ‘WooHoo’ household furniture.”

It is currently unclear how many of the updates will actually be carried out, and whether the current dev team has the ability to execute their plans. Many fans of The Sims expressed hope for “lazy devs” that spend most of their time complaining online instead of implementing changes.

“It’s disappointing to hear about these changes but luckily devs who believe in such doctrines have a history of doing literally anything except working on their game. So I have hope most of these things won’t end up in the game,” wrote user PoolNeighbor on Reddit.

At press time, Vance was last seen playing Hearts of Iron 3 with the Discord status “Fixing some mistakes.”

Local Film Lover Comes Out of the Criterion Closet

Posted on by Garry Kerls

KING OF PRUSSIA, Pa. — In a recent Letterboxd review of Francis Ford Coppola’s Megalopolis local movie lover, Todd Jacobs, bravely announced to the public that he is a cinephile.

“I think deep down I always knew,” Jacobs told sources outside of the Regal Cinemas IMAX and 4DX. “I knew someone in college who loved movies like this, we experimented with 123movies.com, it felt so right, you couldn’t find Mean Streets anywhere.”

While this is a big first step, Jacobs told anyone around the theater who would listen that there was still the obstacle of coming out to everyone that doesn’t follow him on Letterboxd.

“I don’t know how grandpa will react this Christmas when I tell him I put Ready Player One higher than Saving Private Ryan on my ‘Spielberg Films Ranked’ list.”

Letterboxd spokesperson Eliza Johnson, told reporters that this kind of coming out isn’t a rare thing on Letterboxd, and many use the app’s review feature to make all sorts of confessions feeling that they are in a safe space.

“It’s an honor that movie buffs use our platform to make such personal and public announcements,” she said in between listing her four most recently watched films. “We have seen a bump of these kinds of actualizations from the Megalopolis reviews, but nothing compares to the things people realized after watching Y tu mamá también.”

Both Letterboxd and Criterion’s recent social media surges have imprinted a new found appreciation for classic cinema on the younger generations. Perhaps the film industry can be resurrected by radicalized Zoomers who wear A24 t-shirts.

“It’s incredibly difficult to predict the industry’s future based on the habits of young people,” says Professor of Film Studies at Villanova, Hannah Topel. “These companies are constantly being dealt with contradicting information. One week Gen Z wants less sex depicted in film, and the next week they’re demanding more fuckable popcorn buckets.”

At press time, the cinephile community has come to the agreement that a Pulp Fiction poster will be the representational symbol for unabashed cinema lovers everywhere.

Top 10 Twin Peaks Episodes to Watch When the Date Can’t Get Any Worse

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

So, you finally built up the courage to ask out that cute co-worker and they—miraculously—said “yes.” Lucky bastard! But after a bit of lukewarm conversation over dinner where you realized the two of you don’t have much of anything in common, an awkward interaction with the waitress and a pretty silent walk back to your apartment, you’ve somehow convinced them to come upstairs for a drink and maybe an episode of a show you like. As you sit there looking for something to throw on, you’re thinking, “Man, could this be going any worse?” There comes a point where you just have to say “Fuck it, it’s not like they can like me any less, and we sure as hell aren’t having sex tonight.” In such a scenario, you might as well just fully send it and throw on an episode of David Lynch’s television masterpiece ‘Twin Peaks.’ Here are the top ten episodes to watch with your date: 

10. “The Last Evening”

If you really want to throw them right into the middle of the chaos with no prior warnings and show them what an interesting and nuanced taste in programming you have, the Season One finale is a prime choice. Jacoby has a heart attack, Leland Palmer suffocates Jacques, Agent Cooper gets shot, Hank shoots Leo, James is arrested for cocaine possession — man, that was some good TV! One of those episodes that’ll leave them going “what the absolute fuck is happening here?” Then you get to flex your media-literacy muscles a bit, leaving them impressed. Or even better, they’ll be so tuned out that you get the chance to redeem yourself with normal conversation again. Just hope they don’t notice the scene of Audrey and her dad at One Eyed Jacks. 

9. “Demons”

This Season Two episode introduces the best character in the whole series, deaf FBI agent Gordon Cole. Watching this one with your date means you’ll get to show them your incredible David Lynch impression, and if that doesn’t save the evening, I don’t know what will. At the end of the day, they’ll likely be so impressed that they’ll ask you for a second date at the very least. It’s also when the infamous phrase “fire walk with me” returns to the story via Gerard’s possession by MIKE, so that’s pretty cool if you want to turn them into a true Peaks-head through and through and get them into the subreddits. Maybe even mention the prequel movie for next time! 

8. “Dispute Between Brothers”

On the surface, this seems like a ‘nothing’ episode – and that’s the point. To the town of Twin Peaks, Laura’s murder is solved, Cooper is about to head out and leave Washington behind him forever when WHAM! He’s being suspended from the FBI, someone wants to plant cocaine on his car, and Major Briggs vanishes into thin air while on a camping trip with him. If your date hasn’t been paying attention up to this point, this episode will at least leave them intrigued and asking you questions about what’s going to happen next. At that point, all you have to do is put on a sly smirk, shrug, and say “I guess we’ll have to find out!” 

7. “Zen, or the Skill to Catch a Killer”

One of the earlier episodes of Season One, this is the first time we’re introduced to the concept of the Red Room/Black Lodge. In true Lynchian fashion, it sort of crops up out of nowhere in an otherwise not-so-surreal episode, and it’s so eerie and off-putting, so creepy in its presentation, with Cooper sitting next to the “dwarf” and Laura Palmer’s doppelganger, that one of two things might happen: either your date will say “you know, I had a fun time tonight, but it’s getting late…” at which point, you’re free to enjoy the rest of your evening as you see fit, or they’ll be pulling up the Wikipedia for Twin Peaks and reading articles about just what the hell the show is all about. At that point, you’ve got ‘em! 

6. “Traces to Nowhere”

This is the second episode of the entire show, so your date won’t really have missed out on much if they’ve never seen it before (besides, of course, the murder central to the entire plot.) She’ll get to witness Agent Cooper’s lovable personality and quirks, such as his passion for coffee, which may be a trait endearing enough to convince them to keep watching with you. The episode ends on a sour note, with the abusive Leo beating Shelly using a bar of soap in a tube sock. The scene is quite disturbing, but as an added bonus, you can shake your head from side to side in disapproval and say “Jesus Christ” as it unfolds to let your date know that you disagree with his actions on a deep ethical level and would never yourself participate in something so horrendous. 

5. “The Condemned Woman”

To break the awkward silence as you and your potential lover sip from a $10 bottle of red, you might say to them, “Hey, you wanna see something crazy?” If they’re game, that’s when you throw on “The Condemned Woman”, a certified Weirdo episode of Twin Peaks. Everything is fairly standard murder mystery procedural shit until the episode’s conclusion, when Cooper finds sawmill owner Josie Packard in a room at the Great Northern Hotel. There, she confesses to multiple murders, but before she can pull the trigger on herself, she goes limp, and Sheriff Harry Truman cradles her before they both disappear. Once they come back, Josie’s spirit is transported into the knob of a desk drawer, and she’s trapped. The episode just straight-up ends there, offering you and your date zero answers (in classic Twin Peaks fashion.) After that, you’ll probably at least get a “Damn, that was crazy!” out of them. 

4. “Cooper’s Dreams”

Hoo boy. So there you are, on the couch watching Twin Peaks, wondering whether or not you should make a move on the person sitting next to you as the final nail in the coffin after an already-horrible night. Well, what better way to get them in the mood than with an episode that ends with Audrey in Cooper’s bed, trying to seduce him? You could even turn to them and raise your eyebrow suggestively as Cooper returns to his room. “Wait, wait, isn’t she a minor?” your date will then ask. To which you will inevitably reply “Ah, shit, yeah. Forgot about that.” Maybe just turn the TV off and apologize for your earlier behavior. 

3. Literally any episode of “Twin Peaks: The Return”

Admit it: even you haven’t revisited “The Return” since it first came out in 2017. David Lynch can’t be bothered to write a normal story. He has to make it all weird and convoluted, set it 25 years after the original series, re-introduce characters from the first two seasons but with different names and in different settings (who is ‘Dougie Jones’? That’s Coop, god damnit!) The good news with this series is that neither of you will have any idea what’s going on, so you’ll be on the same page for the first time all night! You won’t be able to answer any of their questions, but that’s OK, because you’ll have some of your own, too. But best of all, you might get to hear Gordon Cole deliver his famous “What the hell??” What the hell indeed, Gordon. 

2. “Laura’s Secret Diary”

It’s time to get #political. In this Season Two episode, Lucy tells local deputy Andy that she had an affair with Dick Tremayne and that there’s a very real chance that their baby together might actually be his; Tremayne has offered her money in order for her to get an abortion. In the next episode, it’s revealed that Andy’s sperm count is higher than he thought it was, so there’s a chance the baby is actually his. This is the perfect time to turn to your date and ask them for their opinions on abortion in general. Depending on their response, you could kick them right out, and never have to see them again! Or, the two of you could bond over being on the same side of the aisle. It’s important to understand someone’s politics if you’re planning on seeing them in the long-term, and if there’s one thing Twin Peaks does, it’s bring people together. 

1. “Northwest Passage” AKA “Pilot” 

Picture this: you’ve completely run out of things to do and say to the person you’ve brought back to your place. You’re working up a sweat because you don’t have any board games or other cool things to hold them over, and you know there’s no chance of anything physical happening tonight. That’s when you pull out ol’ reliable: “Do you wanna start Twin Peaks?” “Oh yeah, I’ve heard of that show. Is it any good?” They’ll reply. Now it’s on. You boot up episode one (likely on an illegal site because who in their right mind has a Paramount+ subscription) and are whisked away to the fictional town in the Pacific Northwest. Immediately, the dulcet notes of that intro music on the bass guitar transport you to a different time and place. Now, the first 20 minutes or so are Laura’s body being discovered and everyone in town crying over her death. Maybe, just maybe, all of the mourning and grief will cause your date to shed a tear and cuddle up to you for comfort. A young, handsome Kyle MacLachlan enters the scene as Agent Dale Cooper, and is immediately charming, unearthing clues as soon as he arrives. You’re introduced to many aspects of the David Lynch Cinematic Universe, including all the men besides Coop and maybe Bobby being ugly as shit, while all of the women are inexplicably gorgeous. This is as enticing as it gets, ladies and gentlemen. Starting Twin Peaks with anyone is a sign of sustainable intimacy. You’re in it for the long haul now! 

Unlike Your Childish Nostalgia for Outdated Garbage, I Am Engaging in A Mature Reevaluation of an Overlooked Classic

Posted on by E. Alexander Zimmerman

As a child of the gaming line of Sony, house PlayStation, my childhood was rich with titles for the second generation console; a litany of incredible video-gaming experiences by which my young mind could be enthralled and engaged, rendering me a higher being than had I not encountered it. But the days that such thrills hit as hard as they did are long gone, instead we are left to sort through the memories of gaming titles to determine what was a truly fun experience.

There are some people whose experiences and childhood memories lead to them having embarrassingly incorrect memories of terrible games that have aged like absolute garbage. People will valorize the most redundant, obsolete nonsense on the entire planet while overlooking the truest gems of the era. You absolute fools, you imbeciles sing the praises of nonsense simulators like “Ratchet and Clank.” or “Sly Cooper”. 

Boo! Boo, I say! Move forth! Play a REAL video game. Cease hiding behind your conventional classics or your baby-themed busy-box platformers like Crash Bandicoot. Find a title that is worth the critical eye of an evolved intellectual.

Perhaps a diamond in the rough, my highest recommendation of a carefully curated classical library of PlayStation 2 titles: “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Legend of Jack Sparrow” (2006). I first encountered this game in such a phase that I was quite simply, a boy. I played it day in and day out, not quite able to afford a memory card and pushing as far as I could each day before being conquered by the supernatural forces that blocked your way. While the gameplay may be a bit clunky for the very best that 2024 has to offer (but was surely groundbreaking for its day), the aura of the game and its sense of primordial terror and absolute godhood, wreaking havoc over the impoverished masses as a pirate of legend. It even trades in the darkest fables with the undead, terracotta soldiers and all manners of horrors that challenge not just your skill with a controller, but your absolute sanity. 

It’s mixed-to-negative reviews on fraudulent hack meters like “MetaCritic” or some such nonsense are only a testament to the title’s genius. It has an energy that is reminiscent of the horrifying, eldritch horror of PlayStation 2018 favorite, “Bloodborne,” a title that is a spiritual sequel to the themes presented in this game. Truly, I think it is intellectually honest, if unpopular, to say that this is the genesis of the “Soulsborne” style video game. But they’d never admit it. 

While you fools jump form platform to platform and clap your hands like seals, I will be venturing through the dark mind palace of one of our culture’s most disturbed pirates. A journey into his mind is sure to yield horrors, the truth of which will irreparably alter the way you engage with movie-tie-in video games.