Baldur’s Gate 3 is a big game full of important choices, including what the best class to choose is. Those familiar with the fifth edition of Dungeons & Dragons, which Baldur’s Gate 3 uses as its foundation, will be in familiar waters. However, those that have never had the chance to play the pen-and-paper RPG might be a little lost. Here are the best classes to get started with.
Best Starter Classes In Baldur’s Gate 3
Simplicity is the name of the game when starting a new character in Baldur’s Gate 3. Due to the ruleset that it uses, there is a near-overwhelming amount of information. Over time, players will be able to digest more and more info and can make increasingly complex characters but it’s a journey of a thousand steps. Jumping into the deep end right away can lead to some real headaches, especially since players aren’t only responsible for their character’s actions, but their party members’ as well.
Fighter – Best Starter Class in Baldur’s Gate 3
The absolute simplest class out there is the Fighter. There aren’t any resources like spells or cantrips that have to be managed. It’s simply a matter of getting in your enemy’s face and beating on it with whatever you have in your hands. Throw in their ability to wear and use nigh any piece of armor and weapon and they’re pretty adept in any situation.
Ranger
If you want to stay in the realm of the physical but want to keep your enemies at a distance, playing a Ranger is the way to go. Not only can you channel your inner Legolas but you can also enlist the help of an animal companion to help turn the odds in your favor.
Warlock
Those with a penchant for magic will want to cast their gaze toward the Warlock. While other casters like Sorcerers and Wizards can be absolutely devastating, they also come with a ridiculous spellbook that can confuse and overwhelm new players. Plus, Warlocks come with the Eldritch Blast cantrip which is absolutely brutal early on. It’s a nice easy learning curve that allows players to channel their inner goth.
Those are our picks for the best starter class in Baldur’s Gate 3. There isn’t any wrong choice when it comes to selecting your class in BG3 and being able to control your companions in battle will help players get a feel for the other classes. Ultimately, it comes down to picking whatever fits your aesthetic best. At worst, you’ll have to reload saves frequently until you get all the kinks ironed out. Now that you have an idea of what class to pick, make sure to read our guide on freeing an early BG3 companion, Shadowheart.
ARLINGTON, Texas — A 37-year-old man was recently shocked to discover a game he loved playing as a child was actually more than two hours long, sources have confirmed.
“Get the hell out of here,” said local gamer Denny Whittington, while playing Destiny’s Edge, a 1997 PS1 action game he’d played in his youth and recently decided to dig out of the closet. “I played this game so many times, but I never realized that there was more than the first island you’re on. I thought that was the whole game. Wow. Wait, I have an inventory? There’s a store? This changes everything.”
Developers of the game reportedly anticipated that players such as Whittington would think the game was so short.
“We knew there was a good chance that some kids might play for more than a few hours, so we definitely added some Easter eggs, like more levels, bosses, and story beyond that first island,” said Jim Fagan, director of Destiny’s Edge. “We wanted it to have some replay value, for the kids who didn’t have large collections of games and/or short attention spans.”
As of press time, Whittington was blown away to discover there had been several sequels to Destiny’s Edge, as well as an anime, a feature length film, and several graphic novels. After being excited for a second, he ultimately decided that it sounded like a whole thing.
MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Slowly simmering ever so discreetly, sexual tension began to fester between two lone collaborators in the same Google Doc, sources have confirmed.
“Lately I’ve been getting the vibe that Anonymous Rhino wants to have sex with me,” remarked Mike Lauber, one of two collaborators in the marketing research document. “All the tell tale signs are evident: he’s been resolving my comments all night long, he’s been moving his cursor so provocatively, and his clipart rhino profile picture is totally giving me bedroom eyes! He clearly wants inside me, and I’m certain I’m not misreading this situation. He’s probably just playing hard to get, like the dirty little randomly assigned animal he is. Ugh, I literally get goosebumps just imagining what’s under that disguise of his. I bet it’s his first initial with a maroon background — fuck, that’s hot.”
Anonymous Rhino, also known as Taylor Schloman, 32, is tired of being consumed by constant, intense lust every time she uses Google Docs.
“Why did Google think they could let us share these documents with each other and our crotches wouldn’t get all horny about it?” asked Schloman. “They should’ve known better! I truly want to be a productive person, but I just can’t when that guy’s cursor is sitting there so mysteriously hot. Sure, Google Docs is a nice tool to write, organize and share things with your peers, but everyone knows that’s all just a cover-up of the fact that they’re hiding the world’s largest sex cult right in front of our eyes.”
Google’s head software engineer, Corey Mendel, opened up about the creation of Google Docs.
“When we set out to create Google Docs, we kept asking ourselves one single question: how can we create a space where absolutely nothing sexual happens, yet everyone is turned on anyway?” explained Mendel. “Needless to say, we did exactly that. Our data has shown 97% of users feel an odd yet pleasant flutter in their pelvic region any time someone joins the same Doc as them.”
As of press time, Google experienced a server outage after 9 million users typed “8===D” at the same time.
Look, I’m no fan of the United States military. They’ve got a huge budget, a budget full of money to spend on useless shit. So that useless shit might as well pay my rent! Assuming I could get my hands on them, this is every Mario Kart item ranked by how much money I could get by selling it to the U.S. Military.
#32 — Banana Peel
Look, I’m a decent salesman, but I’m no wizard. I would instantly get laughed out of the room for trying some shit like this.
#31 — Feather
What’s this thing going to do, give a soldier a cape and let them descend a little slower? No shot this sells.
#30 — Crazy 8
8’s an unlucky number. I can try telling them it’s an 8-for-1 deal, but the bad vibes are scaring them out of the deal. The “crazy” in the name makes them pretty wary, too.
#29 — Boomerang Flower
A flower giving someone the power to throw a useless weapon? The only actual value this gives is the dorky hat that this item gives Mario in the games.
#28 — Heart
Good news: the heart can give a shield. Bad news: it only works on other Mario Kart items. Pretty useless considering I’m going to strike a multi-million dollar deal to give the U.S. a monopoly on these items.
#27 — Blue Shell
The acquisitions guy isn’t interested in buying the blue shell whatsoever. The acquisitions guy keeps saying it would only hit ourselves because “America is #1,” apparently despite the class inequality, broken two-party system, rapidly rising inflation, daunting student debt crisis, etc.
#26 — Super Horn
The military already has plenty of tools that make loud noises. However, if I show the military videos of this thing working on blue shells and convince them it can do the same thing to artillery, I just might stand a chance at getting a pretty penny for this thing.
#25 — Fireball
One fireball, even if I can contain it, won’t get me much. Seems a little bit of a hard sell, but it’s pretty deadly, so I think I can still get some money for this.
#24 — Blooper
Essentially, Blooper is a better smokescreen. It’s more targeted and directly in their eyes, though, so I think I can get a decent chunk of change if I capture a few of these guys.
#23 — Birdo Egg
If the Army has no idea what a Birdo is, I can convince them it’s a very destructive creature that can be weaponized. If one gamer intern let’s it slip what Birdo truly is, though, I’m fucked. No one wants a Birdo.
#22 — Coin
It might seem weird to try and sell the government money, but once I show them it slightly increases their top speed, I think they’ll be convinced they’re magical. Some money to be made here, especially if I go full tourist trap-style for my sales pitch.
#21 — Green Shell
You might think this ranks lower than red because it’s a worse weapon, but it’s honestly just a branding thing. Anything red, white, or blue is instantly a better sell. Sorry, green shell.
#20 — Bob-omb
Bob-omb is tough. On one hand, this is just a living, unpredictable grenade. On the other, though, the army could wind these bad boys up and get them marching into enemy territory. This could go either way, but I think these are some strong additions to the United States arsenal.
#19 — Piranha Plant
I have no doubt in my mind that a Piranha Plant would be an incredible boon to any military operation. I’m convinced I could get millions, but the acquisitions guy just keeps saying that he thinks the plant is going to “go all Little Shop of Horrors on his ass.”
#18 — Fake Item Box
Gonna convince them this is just a regular mystery box as a prank. I won’t get any pay, but what a bunch of suckers for getting tased by this thing lmao. So worth it.
#17 — Mushroom
Going to be honest, this is another prank item. I’m planning to keep the actual Mushroom Kingdom mushroom for myself to try and get my mile time down. Meanwhile, some poor private in the Army is about to have the worst trip of his life.
#16 — Red Shell
Easy money with the red shell. All I have to do is undercut Lockheed Martin homing missiles. If I can find a big supply, I’ll have them out of business within a month.
#15 — Fire Flower
This is just a more controllable version of the Fireball. Would be able to get a lot for this, but only once, since they can just plant the seeds to make more for themselves. Circle of life or whatever, but I just wish I could get more money out of this thing.
#14 — Bowser Shell
This big ol’ spiky guy is the best bang for my buck. A bit harder to load due to its size, sure, but saying “look at those cool spikes!” ought to raise the price a few hundred thousand dollars over the other shells.
#13 — Chain Chomp
I know I could make a lot of money selling a Chain Chomp, but I’m not sure I should. This poor boy is fine if kept on a leash, but I just know they won’t be responsible with this guy. Maybe it’s better off if I keep him in my backyard for myself.
#12 — Golden Mushroom
There’s no faking this one, but I could easily convince the acquisitions guy this is made of real gold. Thanks for the cash, and good luck finding a combat utilization for a speed boosting mushroom.
#11 — Boo
A ghost that can steal top-of-the-line equipment from the opposition? I’ll be able to get huge value out of this guy for sure. The government has been trying to convince us for decades that North Korea is trying to build a Boo. With that in mind, the U.S. military is definitely going to want to purchase one of their own.
Looking for how to save Shadowheart in BG3? Players in Baldur’s Gate 3 are going to find themselves off to a rough start. They are one of many held captive onboard a mindflayer ship. While there are many victims whose fates can’t be changed, there is a character trapped in a pod that still has her wits about her. Here’s how to free Shadowheart from her grisly fate.
How To Rescue Shadowheart In Baldur’s Gate 3
Upon encountering Shadowheart, she will instruct the player that there is a console to her right that a mindflayer had used to seal her. When using it, it turns out the console is inoperable due to an empty socket. Apparently, organic computers still require a power supply or a stick of RAM? Eldritch tech is just as confusing to us as it is to the adventurers held captive.
Just to the right of the console is a sphincter (fleshy door) that leads into a room containing another captive. Interacting with the console before this pod will activate it and turn the hapless prisoner into a mindflayer. Ignoring what has just happened by pressing unfamiliar buttons, players will want to search the body in the back for an Eldritch Rune.
Bring the Eldritch Rune back to the console and insert it. From there, players must pass a skill check of two in order to command the terminal to free Shadowheart in Baldur’s Gate 3. It is recommended to save beforehand as it is possible to fail this check. Once freed, Shadowheart can join the party and will prove to be an invaluable ally as she is a mighty cleric.
That’s all there is to rescuing Shadowheart in Baldur’s Gate 3. Aside from being a great help in combat, she is one of several romance options available. Throw in a mysterious D20 that she’s super secretive about and she’s definitely worth recruiting. While you’re plotting your next move in Baldur’s Gate 3, be sure to multitask on your phone and check out our guide on catching Ditto in Pokemon GO!
While comic book adaptations have been the top drawing movies for a over a decade now, the medium had a turbulent path to consistent bankability, though not for a lack of effort. They took a lot of shots in the ‘90s. A lot. And while we didn’t get a cohesive universe, or very many franchises, we did get an awful lot of movies you might think I was making up if you’d never heard of them. Weird, weird shit, man. I ranked them for you. Check it out.
22. Captain America (1990)
In the broadest of strokes this one makes the most sense, but when you watch it, it’s absolutely the one that should most be wiped from the Earth. Look at this prick.
21. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm (1993)
They turned the best Batman shit of the ’90s into a movie. This isn’t weird and shouldn’t surprise you at all.
20. Blade (1998)
Blade is dope as hell, nothing strange about this one. In fact, we’ve been clamoring for a new Blade for years now. I don’t give a shit about the MCU stuff anymore, but wake me up when the new Blade comes out. I’ll be there in the front row, swinging wrapping paper tubes in the air along with my man Blade.
19. Men in Black (1997)
Men in Black rules, and it made perfect sense to adapt it into a blockbuster film. The most dubious thing associated with MiB might actually be just how many comic book movies Tommy Lee Jones has been in. The guy looks like he’d just as soon stare out a window all day than ever touch a comic book, yet before he got mixed up with Captain America he was Two-Face and Agent Kay. Well sumbitch.
18. Batman Forever (1995)
After the creative core of the previous installments departed, the franchise kept on trucking to the surprise of no one. From the thinly drawn characters to the fact that there’s way too many subplots, Batman Forever all just feels par for the blockbuster course. As the fourth of thirteen Batman movies, its title is spot-on, too.
17. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
Despite an inherently ridiculous title, there is nothing shocking about a Ninja Turtles movie coming out at the high of their popularity. There’s been a new one every five or ten years of my life ever since, and there’s no slowing down now. Makes total sense. If I told you how many times the Ninja Turtles cried in this movie, however, you’d probably think I was bullshitting you. Go back and watch it though. It’s like, way too many times.
16. Spawn (1997)
Spawn is kind of anomaly with all these superhero movies. It came out, was pretty okay, did fairly well, and that was that. This is no one’s favorite or least favorite comic book movie, it’s just kind of there. An example of this is the fact that everyone has seemed to agree on the film needing a sequel since 1998, but no one ever quite pulled the trigger on it, some 25 years later. We all like Spawn. We like it just fine.
15. Batman Returns (1992)
It’s not weird at all that they were cranking out Batman movies even when the comic book movie at large was pretty meh, but this one has some weirdness to it that might sound pretty bizarre today. Mainly that it was just too sexy and weird for the good people at McDonald’s to make Happy Meals they felt good about, so they griped, and Tim Burton left the franchise as a result. Man, I feel like Happy Meals don’t have the pull they used to in this town.
14. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991)
If you know a single thing about 1991, then it will surprise you in no way that the second Turtles movie is less inspired than the first one and features them falling through a wall and finding themselves in the middle of a Vanilla Ice concert. It made a generation of kids want to be rappers, ninjas, and/or turtles.
13. The Mask (1994)
The Mask was a comic about a mask that turns a normal schlub into a cartoon character of a man. The Jim Carrey film is beloved now of course, but I do wonder if you’d be able to get a movie greenlit today about a hero whose superpower is they turn into a Looney Tunes character and get real horny.
12. Batman & Robin (1997)
On paper this doesn’t sound so bizarre, but if you dive in a little deeper everything about this movie seems like they were trying to Producers it. It’s just so expensive and weird. Why did they think paying Arnold a million dollars per crappy pun would work? Why does Bane wear a fedora? Why so many nipples? On second thought, actually, this all works just fine.
11. Barb Wire (1996)
Nothing screams ‘Obscure 1990’s comic book movie,’ like Baywatch star Pamela Anderson making her debut in a leading role as Barbera ‘Barb Wire’ Koteski and absolutely no one going to see it. It’s too bad, because it’s actually a halfway fun goof on Casablanca with a lot of guns. Kind of like that Romeo & Juliet that came out in ’96 that had guns in it. They were giving everyone a gun in ’96, man.
10. The Shadow (1994)
‘We did it Lemon. We got the rights to The Shadow.’
Sometimes you listen to an old Foo Fighters or Green Day song and think, “Man, the ‘90s really weren’t that long ago, huh?” and then other times you’re scrolling Tubi for the weirdest movie you can find and you discover a time capsule from the era of Alec Baldwin, Comic Book Adaptation Star. It made sense if you were there, but it’s just really bizarre to think about now.
9. The Phantom (1996)
Hollywood’s Billy Zane in head to toe bright purple playing a generic character you’ve never heard of because it’s from the late 1800s. The movie is actually more fun than you’d expect, but you’d never know, because The Phantom actually isn’t real. I just made it up.
8. Richie Rich (1994)
Would you believe me if I told you that Macaulay Culkin, fresh off of Home Alone 1 & 2 didn’t quite connect with audiences when portraying a spoiled little kid who we’re supposed to feel bad for because some kids (rightfully) break his balls? I get that this was a classic comic, but still. I saw this movie as a kid when I knew like four things altogether, and still, one of them was “I do not like this rich kid.”
7. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)
This movie sends the Ninja Turtles back to feudal Japan for some reason. Casey Jones returns to the series to babysit a man in the sewer. This was the first movie I ever walked out of as a kid. Everything just felt off; the plot, the costumes, the dialogue, the voices. I just couldn’t believe how nonsensical my favorite film franchise had become. I had nothing else going on, since I was a kid, but still, I walked right out of that fucker.
6. The Rocketeer (1991)
How is it that they made all these movies from 1950’s radio broadcasts and comic strips before they ever took a serious whack at Wolverine or Spider-Man? It beats me, but The Rocketeer is cool as hell. However, if someone’s never heard of him, it might take some convincing that they gave a movie to a guy whose power is merely ‘found a jetpack.’
5. Judge Dredd (1995)
This one is tricky because it’s not as good as the more recent Dredd movie, and it’s also a mid-90’s sci-fi action flick starring Sylvester Stallone and Rob Schneider with some undercooked satirical elements. If you’re not careful, people will just think you’re misremembering Demolition Man when you talk about this movie.
4. Dick Tracy (1990)
This movie came out when I was a little kid, and it all felt like a fever dream. Someone I’d never heard of (Warren Beatty) was teaming up with someone I’d seen on SNL (Madonna) to make a crazy looking yellow movie about some comic strip I’d never heard of. It looked incredible and it bored me to death. It’s all still very inexplicable to me, to be honest.
3. Steel (1997)
Did you know Shaquille O’Neal played Superman in a movie once and we never talk about it? Okay, he wasn’t Superman, he was like, this version of a version of Superman. There were four of them running around for a minute, because the actual Superman was dead. It was a whole thing. But also this movie has nothing to do with that stuff. This is actually all about Shaq trying to stop Judd Nelson from selling powerful weapons to criminal organizations. With steel! I am not making any of this up.
2. Tank Girl (1995)
13 years before Iron Man, another bit of perfect comic book casting saw ‘90s scene stealer Lori Petty portray Tank Girl. This underrated post-apocalyptic movie feels like a comic book in all the best ways, and has more attitude than just about every other movie on this list or in general. Malcolm McDowell is a villain that wants to turn your blood into drinking water, Ice-T plays a dog man, and Iggy Pop shows up as a sicko named Rat Face. You gotta see this movie.
1. Mystery Men (1999)
From the absurd pages of the impossible-to-film Flaming Carrot comes Mystery Men. This truly inexplicable movie, which featured such heroes as Mr. Furious and The Shoveler, was one of a kind, doomed to fail, decades ahead of its time, and thanks to the passing of Paul Reubens, is now required viewing for you today. Seriously. You need to call off work and watch Mystery Men.
High Evolutionary has been one of the best cards in Marvel Snap, creating and refreshing multiple new deck archetypes. Playing him in your deck unlocks the abilities of cards that had no effect prior, such as Wasp and Thing.
This game-changing effect has resulted in the creation of various High Evolutionary decks, that has taken the Marvel Snap meta by storm. In particular, High Evolutionary has found great success in a control deck, which aims to interact with your opponent over multiple turns and prevent them from executing their win conditions. Even through the card’s recent nerfs have made Wasp and Hulk less powerful, High Evo is still very viable.
Here is our breakdown of one of the best High Evolutionary decks in Marvel Snap.
Marvel Snap High Evolutionary Control Deck
The cards in this High Evo deck are:
Wasp
Daredevil
Jeff
Spider-Ham
Wave
Storm
Cyclops
The Thing
High Evolutionary
Spider-Man
Doctor Doom
The Hulk
The Wasp is a potent card in this deck. Thanks to High Evolutionary, she gains the On Reveal ability of reducing the power of two cards at her location by 1-power each. This effect makes her a great play at the last turn of the game, as your opponent may not be expecting a free card to be played on the last turn of the match. She is also great for reducing the power of your opponent’s cards at a location that has been Flooded by Storm, letting you gain an edge over your opponent at no additional cost.
Daredevil is a key tool for this deck. Playing him before turn 5 lets us see our opponent’s plays before we make our own, letting us react accordingly to what our opponent has done. Depending on the situation, we have a plethora of cards we can use to restrict our opponent.
Jeff is a great card in general, and synergizes well with our deck. He can be played at any location that restricts cards from being played there, such as the Sanctum Sanctorum. This lets us play into locations our opponent cannot and potentially secure a location with a single card. Jeff can also be moved to another location, letting us add extra power to a location that may need it. Jeff can also be played into a location flooded by Storm, or into an opponent’s Professor X. Overall, he is a very versatile card.
Spider-Ham lets us weaken a high-cost card of the opponent, removing their effect, which can be game-winning if Spider-Ham hits Doctor Doom or another high-impact card. Wave lets us play our high cost cards much earlier, and limits both players to playing a single card the next turn. This is great against opponents that want to flood locations and empty their hand.
Storm locks a location down by flooding it, meaning that cards can only be played at that location for one more turn before that location becomes inaccessible. This effect is great with Jeff, as well as Thing and Cyclops. Due to High Evolutionary, both these cards become great plays after Storm. Thing reduces the power of one of your opponent’s card at the location he is played, repeating this effect twice more. Cyclops has a similar effect, reducing the power of two cards by 1 power whenever you have unspent energy. These cards can easily win the Flooded location due to their power reducing effects.
High Evolutionary himself is a card that you rarely want to play, as he provides a measly 4 power for his cost. Spider-Man on the other hand, combos great with Storm, letting you lockdown a location that your opponent has not played at the entire game, or by restricting the amount of space the opponent has to play cards in general.
Finally, Doctor Doom and Hulk serve as game enders that can be played on turn 6, or potentially earlier if you have played Wave. Doctor Doom is great for spreading your power across locations, while Hulk is a great high power card to win a location outright, especially as he gains 2 power for each unspent energy throughout the game.
This was our Marvel Snap High Evolutionary control deck breakdown. We hope this helps you better pilot the deck and understand the role of each individual card. Feel free to experiment with swapping out individual cards and see how that alters the deck and its performance. And, if you want to experiment with more decks, check out our picks for the best destroy decks in Marvel Snap.
There’s all sorts of crazy allegations swirling about Lizzo regarding body shaming an sexual harassment in the last few days. And yet, her song “Pink” is a huge part of the opening of the biggest movie of the summer, Greta Gerwig’s Barbie! Well here are 20 songs they could replace Lizzo’s with if they wanna go in and make any last minute changes to the movie.
#20 — “Barbie Girl” by Aqua
Mattel famously filed a lawsuit against this Danish-Norwegian Europop band in the ’90s, but now that the genre is making a comeback (Women Are My Favorite Guy) and, as far as I know, Lene Nystrøm never made anyone eat a banana out of someone’s genitals, it seems like the perfect time to digitally edit Barbie Girl into every showing of Barbie around the world.
#19 — “Ass Mirror (& Puckered Lips)” by Toys That Kill
I’ve never listened to Toys That Kill, but they have “toys” in their band name, so I think probably any of their songs would be a good way to start off the Barbie movie.
#18 — “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind
In the ’90s, roughly 45% of all movies started with the song Semi-Charmed Life. Enough time has passed that we can now start the Barbie movie with it as well if we just get rid of that Lizzo song.
#17 — “Girls Girls Girls” by Mötley Crüe
Playing this song at the beginning of the Barbie movie instead of the Lizzo song would be a clever, subtle reference to the fact that the film’s central themes are about how difficult it often is for girls, girls, girls.
#16 — “Heill Odinn” by Varg Vikernes
After hearing what Lizzo allegedly did to her dancers, it would be nice for the Barbie film to start off with a song made by someone who, as far as I know, has never done anything problematic.
#15 — “Shallows” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper
A Star is Born (2018) made $436 million at the box office. If you add that to the crazy amount of money Barbie has already made, it could be one of the biggest hits of all time. This is a no brainer move for Hollywood producers!
#14 — “I Love Kanye” by Kanye West
After many rightwing commentators came out against the Barbie movie for its supposed woke agenda, the producers of the film might want to try to make amends with the conservative community by choosing a song by their new favorite musician.
#13 — “A Hard Day’s Night” by The Beatles
The Beatles is lowkey one of the most popular bands of all time. Not to go all “Moneyball” on this, but replacing Lizzo’s song with one from The Beatles, could actually help increase viewings, believe it or not. Fans of The Beatles really love their work and are willing to shell out the big bucks to support them.
#12 — “Doritos & Fritos” by 100 Gecs
Both Barbie and Doritos & Fritos share similar themes, contemplating the rampant consumerism in America and the commodification of our bodies forced upon us by the corporations insisting that we are not human, but simply objects. What is Barbie about if not metaphorically going to France to get some new pants? If not emotionally going to Greece to get something to eat? If not intellectually eating burritos with Danny Devito? Also the song goes hard.
#11 — “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X
Barbie is ultimately about loving horses.
#10 — “Do They Owe Us a Living?” by Crass
In this version of Barbie, there would be a slightly larger change to the story as well. Nothing too difficult, but first you replace the Lizzo song with this. Then you change the ending slightly so that the Barbies and Kens join together in solidarity, marching into the Real World to demand better rights.
#9 — “The Ballad of Howie Bling” by Daniel Lopatin
Don’t get me wrong, I love the light-hearted jokey tone of Barbie. But I’m also willing to admit that the beginning could use a lot more dark undertones and tension. One very easy way to fix this would be replacing the opening Lizzo song with the 8.5 minute main theme from Uncut Gems.
#8 — “Cosmic Leash” by Chris Farren
Chris Farren’s new album Doom Singer came out today. I dunno, just seems like a nice thing to do for the guy to put his song in the Barbie movie.
#7 — “Savage Good Boy” by Japanese Breakfast
This is basically word-for-word the same as “I’m Just Ken” so you might as well just put it in the beginning of the Barbie movie as well, right?
#6 — “NPR Music Tiny Desk Concert” by T-Pain
While technically not a song, I think we can all agree that T-Pain’s Tiny Desk concert was the first time we were like, wow, if you get rid of the auto-tune, this guy can really sing! In a way, that’s kind of what the Barbie movie is about too, and I think everyone would agree this would be a pretty banger way to open up the movie.
#5 — “Same Love” by Macklemore
As we all know, Barbie is about wokeness or something like that. Well, then why not include the most important progressive love ballad of our time? Before “Same Love,” gay people were forced to live in the shadows. Now, with the Barbie movie, it’s time for women to be able to step out as well.
#4 — “Material Girl” by Madonna
If you can’t get “Barbie Girl” by Aqua for some reason, “Material Girl” by Madonna is a great alternative. “Barbie Girl” has incredibly relevant lyrics like “life is plastic / it’s fantastic.” But what is plastic if not a material? Check and mate.
#3 — “Hey Tony!” by Frosted Flakes
As far as I can tell, this is almost identical to the Lizzo song “Hey Barbie” that plays at the beginning of the Barbie film. In fact, it’s so goddamn similar, I wouldn’t be surprised if there is currently an on-going lawsuit by Kellogg’s attacking Lizzo for this very issue. So let’s cut the bullshit and just put the real “Hey Barbie” song back into the movie please!
#2 — “Juice” by Lizzo
OK admittedly, this is probably not a good choice to replace the Lizzo song because it’s also a Lizzo song. I just think it’s a cute song that might be interesting in the film. But again, totally get why it’s probably not the best choice. So feel free to ignore this option.
#1 — “Everywhere At The End Of Time” by The Caretaker
All you’d need to do is swap the Lizzo song at the beginning of Barbie for this and you’d drastically change the entire tone of the film. I think it’s a really good idea.
CHICAGO — Local man Todd Thompson found relief today from his grueling 12-hour day of playing Diablo IV and can now look forward to unwinding at his office job.
“Only one more hour of grinding Ruins of Eridu and then I can finally relax and finish those QC reports for Jim, It’s great to get away from the old 12-to-12 and finally be back at the old 9-to-5,” said a bleary-eyed Thompson as he disposed of his 5th red bull can. “What can I do, though? I mean, someone has to put platinum on the table for me and my barbarian alt.”
Thompson’s manager, Jim Humphries, said he has definitely noticed a change in Todd’s behavior as of late.
“He is usually one of our top guys, so I’m not really sure what is up with him; he looks like he hasn’t bathed in weeks and keeps muttering, ‘D4 is just as good as D2 if you think about it’ which I can only assume is some kind of millennial talk for buying drugs on the dark web,” said Humphries as he Googled “how to tell if your employee is smoking D4.” “I’ll be honest though, he seems more committed than ever; the other day I caught him crying what seemed like tears of joy at his desk after he clocked in, a side effect of smoking this mysterious D4, no doubt.”
Thompson isn’t the only one putting in long Diablo IV hours deep into the night in dangerous working conditions, which include windowless, poorly ventilated rooms and on-the-job injuries ranging all the way from blistered mouse clicking fingers to gaming chair ball stickage, all while feeling improperly compensated. The worsening gaming conditions have caused some players to unionize and go on strike.
“We are all putting in good, honest work, and we will not rest until our demands for better updates and more DLC are met,” said Martha Potski, the head of the Illinois chapter of the union, in a speech given at the Deckard Cain Memorial GameStop. “While we’re at it, maybe rebalance the classes even more so that they suck shit so maybe we can log off and see our families. I heard my daughter just had a baby, apparently, but I didn’t really have time to glance too much at the discord message before I had to get back to farming gold.”
At press time, announced plans to potentially start live streaming his Excel spreadsheets on Twitch.
Going away to college is an exciting-yet-scary prospect for many young adults. It’s often the first time they’ll be away from their families for a significant period of time, and new experiences can be frightening. The anxiety that looms the largest over many incoming freshmen is whether or not they will get along with their roommate. It can be intimidating moving in with someone you don’t know, especially if they end up being one of the anthropomorphic animals from the new animated film, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem. If you find yourself in that situation later this summer, feel free to use the helpful list below to see just how distraught you should be.
14 — Leonardo
Hoo boy. He’s a dorky, rule-following tattle-tale, for starters. What really makes Leo a nightmare as a roommate, though, is his creepy behavior towards women. No matter what else is going on around him, if a young lady walks by the dorm room window, he’ll look up and say the word, “girl,” out loud. Every time. Then, he just goes back to whatever he was doing, like nothing weird went down. It’s unnerving.
13 — Superfly
So for ninety-nine percent of people, Superfly is a terrible roomie. He would literally murder you. But if you happen to agree with his plan to grant the precious gift of sapience to every single animal on the planet while simultaneously exterminating the rancid blight that is the human race? Buddy, you’ve found yourself a comrade for life. It won’t be a long life, but hey: as a human yourself, you are complicit.
12 — Scumbug
I’m not even knocking her for being a cockroach or spraying slime everywhere when she talks. The real issue is that she’s always inviting Splinter over to fuck. She claims they can’t use his room for some reason. Bullshit.
11 — Ray Fillet
God, imagine having to room with someone in Glee Club? His entire personality is that he thinks he can sing well. There’s nothing deeper than that. It might impress some drunk juniors and help the two of you get into a couple parties at first, but once he tries to bust out the guitar, you’re both getting the boot. Soon, the only audience he’ll have is the one person who is forced to share space with him: you.
10 — Raphael
On move-in day, you might be confused why Raph brought an extra hamper. You’ll soon learn that he goes to the gym twice a day and sweats so much that he needs to keep his work out clothes entirely separate from the rest of his laundry. That smelly pile of damp athletic shorts — plus what the nine heaping scoops of protein powder he takes per day do to his digestive system — means no one will ever want to visit your room. Soon, they won’t even want to come within ten feet of you. The only upside is that there’s a fifty percent chance that Raph flunks out by winter break and you get to have a single for a while.
9 — Bebop
Bebop is weirdly aggro for someone who is stoned 24/7. If that didn’t make you a big enough target for the RA, his buddy Rocksteady is literally always in your room. Seriously, he takes your bed most nights and will not let you scooch in next to him. You’ve asked to be moved to a different room, but the Residential Life office isn’t taking you seriously at all. You’ve just gotta sit there and watch these two boneheads watch 300 for the thousandth time, quoting every line as it happens.
8 — Genghis Frog
Dude is going to hardcore shows almost nightly and not coming back until at least two in the morning, when he stumbles into the room and loudly bumps into any piece of furniture he can find. He’s always casually mentioning super obscure punk bands then acting all superior when you don’t recognize them. Whatever you do, don’t try to catch him out on a band he hasn’t heard of yet. He’ll just call you an asshole and try to fight you.
7 — Michaelangelo
Okay, an improv nerd isn’t quite as bad as a glee club nerd, but it’s still annoying. He’ll invite you to a bunch of weird parties that seem fun at the time, but you’ll end up regretting going to a lot of them later on. You will at least get the room to yourself for a few hours whenever improv practice is scheduled, but that comes at the heavy price of eventually having to attend his improv shows. Also, he’s gonna try to convince you to start doing improv. Just say no.
6 — Splinter
Splinter is one of those roommates who thinks they’re your mom. He’ll text you at midnight to make sure that you’re back in time to watch Seth Meyers with him, which he’ll expect you to do every single night. That’s super annoying, for sure, but there’s a silver lining: at least you know someone on this godforsaken campus has your back. Sometimes he says he’s going to visit his girlfriend and you don’t see him for hours, but that’s not too weird, even if you’ve lived with him for months and you still haven’t met her.
5 — Wingnut
Wingnut is just pretty solid in general. She keeps her side of the room organized, doesn’t bring home a ton of romantic partners, and is cool with you binging Netflix all Saturday morning on the TV she brought from home. You share pleasant conversations about your individual interests, but you each have your own separate social groups and healthy boundaries. Next year, you’ll room with a close friend and be miserable. When you see Wingnut on campus, you’ll smile and wave. She’ll return the gesture, then go back to the conversation she was having with her new roommate as you continue walking to the dining hall, alone.
4 — Leatherhead
If you end up with an Australian roommate, you ingratiate yourself with them immediately and prepare to ride their social coattails. You are gonna tag along to so many good parties this year.
3 — Rocksteady
When you meet Rocksteady, you might be a little nervous about sharing a tiny room with him. Don’t worry; you won’t be. He wanted to room with his friend Bebop, but they couldn’t figure out how to fill out the roommate request form in time. He just spends all his time in Bebop’s room, anyway. You’ve got yourself a de facto single, my friend.
2 — Mondo Gecko
Meeting Mondo Gecko will change your life. He’ll immediately become your best friend. You’ll room together again sophomore year, then get an apartment off-campus with him as upperclassmen. You’ll both go on a school-sponsored retreat, where you will help one another confront years of buried trauma. Crying in his arms, you will break down completely, only for him to rebuild you stronger than ever. A couple years after graduation, Mondo Gecko will get married to someone you’ve never met, delete all of his social media, and you will never see him again.
1 — Donnatello
Donnie is the Platonic ideal of a roommate. He’s smart enough to help you with your studies, but he’s not at all annoying about it. He’s willing to be the cameraman when you and the rest of your friends are trying to get TikTok famous. Not only will he let you leech off of his Crunchyroll subscription, but he’ll share his extensive manga collection when you can’t wait for Attack on Titan: The Final Season Part 52 to be released. He won’t even ask you if you want to go to his brother’s improv show. Donnie is the best.
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