Gary Kerls, Author at Hard Drive

President Biden Signs Executive Order to Map the A and B Buttons to Same Place on All Controllers

Posted on August 6, 2023 by Andy Holt

WASHINGTON — In response to complaints from American gamers, President Biden has signed a new executive order requiring all video game companies to map the A and B buttons the same way on their controllers.

“Everywhere from Iowa to California and beyond, we’ve seen gamers suffer under confusing control schemes that ultimately mean the same thing. Today, we take a first step toward ending that practice,” said Biden during the signing ceremony in the Oval Office. “We all know which button should be A and which button should be B. It’s just common sense.”

Republicans spoke out against the order, claiming it was an example of government overreach.

“It’s laws like this one that stifle innovation. I mean, first you tell Nintendo to swap ‘A’ and ‘B’ so they’re not backwards anymore, then what’s next? Making it so Bowser is gay?” said Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy. “We simply can’t allow our children to be exposed to more logical control schemes and gay Bowser. That’s not what this country is about.”

Biden also received criticism from the left, with activists claiming his order didn’t go far enough to improve the lives of gamers.

“I agree with the order, don’t get me wrong. It’s definitely more than previous presidents have done. But it’s a shame to see Biden pander to gaming corporations by limiting the scope to two buttons,” said DSA member Alana Vega. “Every controller has four buttons arranged the same way. Why are they labeled differently? Why do Nintendo and Xbox have this weird ‘mirror image’ thing going on? Why does PlayStation use shapes? What are we, toddlers?”

Within five minutes of the signing, a federal judge in Mississippi had already declared the order unconstitutional, setting up a Supreme Court battle for next year.

Every Classic Godzilla Kaiju Ranked by How Good They Would Be as a Parent

Posted on August 6, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

Godzilla fans are no strangers to endless debates about which kaiju is the strongest, or fastest, or even just the coolest. These arguments are all well-trodden ground, but what about each kaiju’s parental ability? Sure, only a few of these monsters have canonical offspring, but I think we can observe their behavior and make an educated guess about which kaiju would be best at raising a child. In fact, I know we can, because I did just that in the list below.

#33 — Mechagodzilla

It’s a classic case of wire mother, radioactive-keloid-scarring mother. The babies choose the radiation every time.

#32 — Hedorah

As far as I can tell, Hedorah smothers out all life within its general vicinity. That’s not a bad metaphor for parenting, but it is bad parenting.

#31 — Giant Octopus

Octopus mothers literally starve themselves to death while protecting their eggs from predators. That might sound like a noble sacrifice, but when you think about it, it’s super toxic. Imagine having that hanging over your head your whole life.

#30 — Megaguirus

Megaguirus sends her children out to perform labor for her then literally sucks the energy out of them to sustain and empower herself. Wow, this list is turning out to be pretty metaphor-heavy.

#29 — Ebirah

I mean, it’s a giant lobster. It sucked as a kaiju; I bet it would also suck at raising children.

#28 — Destoroyah

This is a weird one, since Destoroyah is the aggregate form of countless individual juveniles. Are they its parents? Is Destoroyah like a reverse mom to all of them? I can’t really puzzle it out, and we’re talking about a kaiju who had no problem murdering Godzilla Junior, so I’m just going to assume that it would be a bad parent.

#27 — King Ghidorah

Unless those three heads are played by Tom Selleck, Steve Gutenberg, and Ted Dansen, then I just don’t see this working out.

#26 — Kamacuras

Kamacuras are giant praying mantises, meaning it would be pretty easy for them to keep their kids in line. They could just say something like, “You better stop crying unless you want to end up like your dad.” I guess that would work well in the short term, but it’s probably going to inflict some kind of lasting trauma.

#25 — Varan

I don’t think Varan would ever have kids. He would want to, and would make plans to, but something would always come up. It would never be the right time. He’d be at birthday parties for his friends’ kids, and people would keep asking, “So, when will it be your turn?” Varan would laugh politely to hide the pain inside and say, “Oh, someday. Someday.”

#24 — Megalon

You can’t hug your child with giant drill arms.

#23 — Battra

Sorry, guys. Battra is uncle-coded. He’s an alternate version of your parents that seems super cool when you’re young, but the allure fades as you get older and realize that there’s a reason he doesn’t show up to most holidays, and it’s not because he’s got other plans.

#22 — Gabara

Gabara is a schoolyard bully transformed into a giant monster by a child’s imagination. Bullies command authority like parents, they are overly concerned with your sexuality like parents, but they give out way more wedgies than any parent ever should.

#21 — Orga

Despite the fact that the Millennians made sure to collect a DNA sample from a man who was holding a “World’s #1 Dad” coffee mug and incorporate it into their abominable creation, Orga inevitably falls short of their high standards. Your dad could beat up Orga.

#20 — M.O.G.U.E.R.A.

I don’t think M.O.G.U.E.R.A. would be a good parent on its own. I do think it would be a good toy to give a screaming child to distract it and shut it up for five minutes or so. That’s gotta count for something.

#19 — Gigan

Gigan is at least part chicken, an animal that famously lets humans harvest its eggs and even its young. I don’t know for sure that Gigan does the same, but it doesn’t fill me with confidence.

#18 — Kumonga

There are some species of spider that carry their newborns on their backs, right? I think I saw that on National Geographic or something before I managed to find the remote.

#17 — Mothra

You’re probably shocked to see Mothra ranked so poorly, since she is widely known for protecting her eggs and is associated with birth and motherhood. But tell me this: in all the time we have spent with any of the Mothras, have you ever seen them actually raise their young? No! They just die and leave the burden of caring for their larvae to the inhabitants of Infant Island! Those guys are the real heroes.

#16 — Manda

Both dragons and the word “Mom” are traditionally popular tattoos. Personally, I don’t think that’s a coincidence.

#15 — Biollante

Okay, so Biollante is an unholy monster created by combining the DNA of a rose, Godzilla, and a young woman. It was the last, desperate attempt by the young woman’s father to bring her back to life. Sure, she went a little crazy at first, but once she works through those issues, I’m sure she’ll settle down and start a family, just like her dad wanted her to.

#14 — Baragon

Baragon would really try his best. He’d go to work every day, get back in time to read bedtime stories to his kids every night, and go to all of their Little League games. He would still get blamed for everything during therapy.

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Defeated Gamer Comes Crawling Back to Tutorial He Skipped

Posted on August 6, 2023 by Abe Messing

ST. LOUIS — A defeated gamer started a new save file on a game to play the tutorial he’d initially skipped, sources have confirmed.

“This is so embarrassing,” said local gamer Leon Hart, playing the tutorial for action/RPG Skies of Fire that he’d bypassed previously. “I figured I’ve played enough video games by now to figure out what was going on, but no way, I was absolutely screwed out there. They kept telling me to harvest the spirit stones of the guys I’d killed and nothing I did would work. I somehow pressed a button that made my character commit suicide along the way, and then I had to start it all over. Now why is that button even in there?”

The game’s developers were surprised to hear that the tutorial had been skipped by a veteran gamer.

“We’re not calling you stupid, we just want you to know what’s going on,” said Joy Hawes-Agnew, director of Skies of Fire. “If you’re willing to give us 40 to 60 hours of your time, I just don’t see why you wouldn’t spot us five minutes to show you how to use the targeting system. Controllers have a dozen buttons these days, wouldn’t you like to know what they all do?”

The defeated man apparently came back to the tutorial only as a last resort.

“I’ve never seen him eat crow like that,” said Michelle Hart, Leon’s wife. “He kept insisting that the game was made poorly, and then he even briefly convinced himself that it was simply in too buggy a state to be played. But I think the more he chewed on it he just realized he’d been a little obnoxious and really should just play the tutorial like I told him to. Sometimes they’re kinda funny!”

As of press time, Hart had waited until everyone went to bed to resume the Skies of Fire tutorial.

Nurse Joy Announces She Will Take Patients in Order They Started Feverishly Smashing ‘A’ Button

Posted on August 6, 2023 by Jon Holmes

PEWTER CITY, Kanto — Due to ballooning wait times at the local Pokémon Center, Nurse Joy has been forced to take patients in the order they began rapidly smashing the “A” button.

“We understand that patients will be frustrated, but we’re doing the best we can, really,” said Nurse Joy about the new policy. “We operate a sort of first-come, first-served basis now, where the trainer and their Pokémon are given priority for hammering that ‘A’ button at the front desk, and then repeatedly as I talk to them through the healing process in excruciating detail.”

When asked whether she could reduce wait times by skipping the last step, Joy was dismissive.

“I know trainers are busy, I do. But it’s very important for me to explain exactly what happens in the five-second healing process, every single time they come in,” she said, before loading a new set of Pokéballs into the machine, one at a time. “If I don’t give them the minute-long monologue, they might forget how it works.”

Pewter’s resident gym leader, Brock Stone, was not convinced.

“I understand the pressure these doctors and nurses are under, but I can’t help believe that if she didn’t give us the spiel, start to finish, and every single time, then these wait times could be cut in half,” said Stone, who has heard her explanation thousands of times. “I mean, her job is essentially the same as refilling a vending machine at the end of the day. Ironically, while I smash that ‘A’ as hard as I can, all she really has to do is push one button once to start the machine. A Primeape could do it. It’s a ten second task, really!”

In response to complaints, the Pokémon Center announced it would be laying off Nurse Joy and replacing her with a self-service machine that somehow takes even longer.

Seto Raytheon Takes Over Father’s Company and Diverts Focus Onto Card Games

Posted on August 6, 2023 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

ARLINTON, Va. — Seto Raytheon, the adopted 18-year-old heir to RTX Corporation, the defense conglomerate formerly known as Raytheon Technologies Corporation, has taken over the company and refocused its attention on card games, according to those familiar with the situation.

“I’m honestly not really sure how it happened. He just waltzed into the board room, flipped his giant white coat around, and demanded he control the company. And now he does? I don’t know!” said former board member Shaun Burnett. “I swear to fucking god, at one point, I thought he had a dragon with him. I don’t know if that was real or fake or what. But I saw a dragon. Then he said he was going to send one of the other board members to the ‘shadow realm’ and straight up shot him with a gun. His name was Bobby. Worked here 30 years. Had a whole family and everything.”

“You hear about these kinds of things happening in Japan all the time,” Burnett added. “But I never thought it would happen here. Not in the U.S. of A.”

According to those who were in the room, Seto Raytheon wore no less than 9 buckled belts, but only one to keep his pants above his waist.

“It’s time to put aside these foolish childhood games, selling weapons to the highest bidder, and start working on the real goals: building a competitive deck powerful enough to win a card tournament where the prize is an ancient Egyptian relic!” Seto Raytheon shouted to employees at his first meeting as CEO. “This company may have been dedicated to arms, but now it has but one true goal: making me the greatest card game player of all time.”

Despite criticism, some employees welcome the change.

“I already felt bad about working for an evil company and this is at least a little bit better. Now instead of creating new missiles that kill the most people, I’m helping track down a rare piece of paper with a sexy wizard girl drawn on it,” said RTX engineer Caitlin Bailey. “As far as egomaniacal CEOs go, it could be worse. I have a friend who works at Tesla.”

At press time, Seto Raytheon was killed in a card game by another child.

Baldur’s Gate 3 Volo Guide: How to Save Volo in BG3

Posted on August 4, 2023 by Christian Dawson

Want to recruit Volo to your Baldur’s Gate 3 party? Let’s be honest, there aren’t any “good” characters in BG3. At best, there are some characters that you’ll come across in your journeys that are less crappy than others. While everyone has an angle they’re trying to play and something they want to get out of you, Volo the Bard is one of the absolute worst.

Players will encounter the minstrel with a penchant for exaggeration when they visit the lower section of the Druid sanctuary in the Emerald Grove. There, Volo will grill them for information regarding the recent goblin attack before stating his intent to go see the mischievous creatures himself.

How To Find And Rescue Volo In Baldur’s Gate 3

As you have probably already surmised, Volo is a buffoon and now finds himself in dire straits with the goblins. After heading west from the Emerald Grove, players will encounter a desolated village overrun by goblins, ogres, and more. We strongly advise having your most charismatic character do the talking as fighting your way through this goblin stronghold is nigh impossible at the current level of two to three.

Proceed further into the goblin stronghold until you come across a banquet hall filled with the sloshed green meanies. Standing tall on a makeshift stage in the center will be Volo who is being forced to perform. Eventually, you’ll have the opportunity to interrupt him by calling out his questionable rhymes and he’ll lose his nerve only to be escorted off by his handler.

Head to the back of the room and feel free to ignore the ogre as he won’t do anything to stop you from going through the door. After crossing the threshold, you’ll be grilled by a few more goblins saying you should turn back. Do whatever course of action you feel is best here, but again, try not to resort to violence as things will get messy real quick.

Up on the right side of the second floor will be a door containing Volo and his captor. Head inside and chat her up. The quickest way to release Volo is to read his captor’s mind and reveal that she’s been hiding the man from her superiors. Point this out and she’ll reluctantly give you the key to his ramshackle cage.

Once released, Volo will down an invisibility potion and head to your camp. There, he’ll give you a shirt for your efforts and claim he knows all about the mindflayers. By now, you should be wary of his claims. Make sure to turn down his offer to remove the tadpole, lest he pluck out your eye with an icepick, thus giving you a permanent -1 on Intelligence checks, the inability to land critical hits, and a disadvantage on all Perception checks.

That’s all there is to rescuing the walking trash bag that is Volo in BG3. He’s honestly not worth the hassle, but for those wanting to be a hero and save the Forgotten Realms, he’s another punch on the hero card. While you’re questioning your life choices in Baldur’s Gate 3, be sure to check out our guide on changing your appearance.

Every Big Screen Batman Ranked by How Well They Would Run Twitter

Posted on August 4, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

It’s really too bad that if Twitter had to be bought by a humorless billionaire that dresses up in silly costumes it couldn’t have been The Dark Knight. With that in mind, here is a ranking of every movie version of Batman, ranked by how well I think they would run Twitter if they had it in Gotham City.

9. Christian Bale

The Christopher Nolan version of Batman would almost certainly post long-winded rants and cringey memes about the nature of man, and then implement a bunch of changes that compromised your privacy, all in the name of “the common good,” or something. Not cool, Batman.

8. Michael Keaton

Remember that shot in Batman Returns where Bruce is just sitting around in his study until the bat signal blasts through the window and he pops up? Pretty sad, really. This Batman would definitely be way too into being in charge of Twitter and I can pretty much guarantee you he doesn’t give a shit about a huge light on the roof upsetting the neighbors.

7. Will Arnett

This self-aware, ironic Batman would be the death of the (already dying) website, almost certainly triggering an onset of brand humor and even more prevalent advertisements, most of which rely too much on jokes people were making like a decade ago. That’s some funny shit, Wendy’s. Now how about paying everyone a little better?

6. George Clooney

This 1997 version of Batman would take an absolute beating from the public, hide out in shame for a while, and then resurface with a cool, self-deprecating and charitable attitude that made everyone forget how poorly he did. He’d show up on all the Gotham talk shows in full costume with a drink in hand making wisecracks about what a terrible CEO of Twitter he was that one time. It’s endearing, but it doesn’t change the fact that you messed the website all up, Batman.

5. Val Kilmer

This Batman would most likely just be the CEO of Twitter for a few months and then we’d forget it ever happened. He’d post some memes about what a jerk The Riddler is and generally fail to make much of an impression. Not a bad CEO, not a great CEO. Just kind of there.

4. Robert Pattinson

This guy is like always Batman, never Bruce. Twitter would probably just become one of many things he forgot he was responsible for as he went out and looked for villains every night. I assume he’d just hire some good engineers and never think about it again. The last thing this Batman would ever do is post a meme hoping people thought he was being funny. This would obviously be a huge win for the platform.

3. Kevin Conroy

The animated Batman was mixed up with some different shit every week, so I think he could handle being thrust into leading a giant social media corporation pretty well. No ridiculous ideas about rebranding it or changing it up. No, he’d probably just very sincerely post questions like “Anyone seen the Catwoman?” and we’d all feel too bad to make sarcastic replies to him.

2. Ben Affleck

This is probably the busiest Batman of all time, playing supporting roles in several movies and never getting one of his own. Between fighting Superman, saving humanity, and doing timeline stuff now I guess, this is certainly a case where Alfred is gonna end up doing most of the actual work. But hey, give me a guy who knows at least a little bit about what it’s like out there over some billionaire-from-birth, you know what I’m saying?

1. Adam West

If you can set aside the technological barrier that could potentially slow the 1960’s Batman down, this version of The Dark Knight would enact zero policy changes and would spend all of his time on the platform talking to girls and retweeting flattering pictures of himself and Robin. Sounds great. Just leave it alone!

“Do You Want to Be the New Luigi?” Hard Drive Interviews Mario

Posted on August 4, 2023 by Mark Roebuck

After a series of troubling and abysmal interviews, including one with his very own brother, I thought I would just go for the gold and call Mario. I had nothing to lose, and somehow, he agreed! I couldn’t believe my good fortune. Mario is Michael Jordan, John Wayne and Chef Boyardee all rolled into one. A true once in a lifetime talent, his athleticism and heroism are matched only by his charisma. This one had to go well, right?

I met Mario on a street corner. No more restaurants, no more alleys. We’re doing this stuff in public from now on, I’d decided. I gotta lay down some rules. I think Duke Nukem pissed on me last time.

Mario was in a great mood. He’s got a billion dollar movie and a new game coming out. I appreciated him just taking the time to meet me. This was the one that wouldn’t end horribly! I could just tell! He asked me to meet him in a small town he’s renting a home in. He’s asked me not to tell you where it is. (It’s in Indiana)

Mario: Hey, it’s-a Hard Drive! I love-a you guys.

Hard Drive: Whoa, really? That’s so cool. I mean, I know we had this interview set up and everything, but I was a little worried you wouldn’t be the biggest fan of ours. We make all those jokes about you.

Mario: I love them all!

Hard Drive: We’ve also depicted you without clothing on several occasions.

Mario: I did not-a know about that!

Hard Drive: All very tasteful. For the sake of some pretty good bits, I might add.

Mario: I would-a expect nothing less from-a Hard Drive! I remember when you guys-a made Elon Musk-a so mad, they wrote about it in Newsweek.

Hard Drive: Yeah, haha, that was fun.

~~~

We’re stopped by some adoring fans. They apologize and say they wouldn’t normally do this, but The Super Mario Bros Movie has just hit streaming and everyone in town seems to have watched it. Mario is a sport. He smiles for pictures and signs every piece of memorabilia given to him. Only when every fan is satisfied does our interview resume. He mutters something under his breath that I pretend not to hear.

~~~

Mario: All my damn life-a with this shit.

Hard Drive: What’s that?

Mario: Nothing! Mamma mia! Yahoo! Hahaha let’s go find Yoshi, okay?

Hard Drive: Oh cool, I love Yoshi!

~~~

Mario blindfolds me and whacks me on the head one time for good measure before taking me to his secret Yoshi pen. We ride Yoshi’s and chase each other and laugh and basically live out every fantasy I ever had when I used to play Super Mario World on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System back in my youth.

At one point, while we’re soaring through the air on Yoshi’s, chucking shells at each other (in a playful way), Mario looked at me and asked the question every young boy dreams of him asking him one day.

Mario: Say, Mark, do you want to be the new Luigi?

Hard Drive: What? Are you serious?

Mario: Yes. You met him. He’s-a scared shitless of everything he sees, hears, or thinks about. He’s getting worse, too. I have to do it. You will-a grow a mustache, and we will get you a nice set of-a overalls.

Hard Drive: Wow, do you mean it?

Mario: Yes! You’re going to be my new-a best friend! Yahoo!

With that Mario urged his Yoshi to kick it into a higher gear, and he encouraged me to keep up. I gently dug my heels into my Yoshi like Mario, my new best friend, partner, and maybe brother (?) had showed me, but nothing happened. The Yoshi just froze in mid-air. And then the storm cloud suddenly appeared, directly over my head. Thunder roared and soon a hellacious downpour sent me and my Yoshi plummeting down into… Piss Alley?!

Sorry, dear readers. It’s time to snap back to reality. I actually have just described the dream I had while I laid in that alley with Duke Nukem last week. I managed to make it back to my apartment, and I’ve been here recovering all week, but I simply didn’t have time to track down a whole new interview for this Saturday. Wouldn’t that have been swell, though? To speak to the actual Mario? I sure think so. Anyway I got pretty sick when I passed out in that alley, since it was cold and I got rained on all night. I feel awful. Check back next week to see how I’m holding up!

BG3 Change Appearance Guide: Can You Alter it in Baldur’s Gate 3?

Posted on August 4, 2023 by Parker Johnson

Looking for a way to change the appearance of your character in BG3? Baldur’s Gate 3 is the latest game from Larian Studios, the renowned developers behind great RPGs like the Divinity series. Their newest game, though, takes notes from the Dungeons & Dragons. Players of the popular tabletop RPG will feel right at home with the mechanics of Baldur’s Gate.

One of the most fun things players can do, of course, is the creation of their own original character. With many races and classes for you to choose from, your character has a lot of flexibility to create for a fun role-playing experience. There’s plenty of deep appearance things to change, too. So, with such a deep customization system, can you change your appearance later if you change your mind?

Can you Change Your Appearance in BG3?

Unfortunately, at the moment, there is no way to change your appearance in Baldur’s Gate 3 after the initial customization screen without the Digital Deluxe Edition. Make sure that the character you make in the initial creation process is a face you’ll want to look at for hundreds of hours, because after the creation process, you’re likely stuck with it.

Players who own the Digital Deluxe Edition of the game, however, can use one of the included items, the Mask of the Shapeshifter, to change their race and appearance in BG3 whenever they please. This definitely isn’t an ideal situation. Luckily, though, this pack of items isn’t too exorbitantly priced, with the pack including this piece of equipment costing $9.99. If you’re a player who plans on changing their appearance often, this purchase may be worth the price of admission.

That’s all you need to know about changing your appearance in Baldur’s Gate 3! Although you unfortunately can’t change your appearance in the base game, at least not all hope is lost. While you’re here, why not some other useful information, including the BG3 level cap.

Baldur’s Gate 3 Level Cap Guide: What is the Max Level in BG3?

Posted on August 3, 2023 by Christian Dawson

There are a multitude of ways to play Baldur’s Gate 3. For some, it’s all about the roleplay and getting to know all of the characters and their rich backstories. For others, it’s about exploring the vast world of the Forgotten Realms. Then there are those that revel in the power fantasy. Getting into the thick of combat and demolishing their foes is the only objective in the game. For optimal carnage, players will want to hit the level cap fast to acquire the largest selection of spells and abilities. So, just what is the level cap in Baldur’s Gate 3?

What Is The Max Level In Baldur’s Gate 3?

The current level cap for any character in Baldur’s Gate 3 is 12. While in development, Larian Studios had tried to cap things off at level 10 but instead opted for two additional levels to grant players access to higher-level spells.

This means that players will hit the current level cap long before they cross the finish line which is the main storyline. For those that are curious, simply plowing through the main story and ignoring everything else will take players between 75 and 100 hours. Those that wish to complete everything in the fantasy RPG will be looking at least 200 hours of content.

It’s a curious choice to cap the player’s level at 12 whereas the cap for Dungeons & Dragons fifth edition (which BG3 uses as a base) is level 20. It is possible this level cap could be raised with future expansions or DLC. For those that hit the cap and find the game a bit too easy for their fully-empowered character, remember that the difficulty can be increased in the options menu to provide a more robust challenge.

That’s all there is to the level cap in Baldur’s Gate 3. Armed with that knowledge, why not take a look at our guides for which class to choose as a beginner or how to free Shadowheart?