Everybody loves a list, right? They’re objectively meaningless at best and absolutely self-serving and pedantic at worst, yet I spend more time reading “Best Game Boy Advance Games of All Time” lists than I do actually playing through old handheld classics of yesteryear (that I swear I’ve legally obtained in whatever way Nintendo would like me to). So with that, when I awoke in a cold sweat this morning wondering how I would feed the merciless content grinder that we have hitched our family’s livelihoods to, I had a nifty little idea: I should write a stinkin’ list!
However, we here at Hard Drive are buckets of immature filth with fifth grade senses of humor, so the best I can really muster up is this definitive ranking of Every Joke About Mario’s Genitals Hard Drive Has Ever Made.
Hmm. That really doesn’t feel like the right word for what I’m about to do here.
#5 — Nintendo Confirms That Viral Tweet Depicting Mario Banging Out Toad Is Not Canon
This was a bad thought I had that turned into a cursed pitch that is now this godforsaken article. I have nothing to say for myself, and I’m sorry for everything. Kinda funny though.
#4 — Sonic and Mario Olympic Games Also Hotbed for Sex Between Athletes
This one isn’t so much about Mario’s genitals specifically as it is a scathing indictment of the debauchery that takes place when you get all of these perverted video game stars together. Features a shockingly specific list of individual sex acts! (Low on the list due to the lack of focus on Mario’s genitals specifically).
#3 — Sexual Tension Grows Between Mario Kart Live and Roomba
This counts, right? I’m gonna count this one. I’m prettty sure Mario fucks a Roomba at the end of this one. I’m counting it.
#2 — This Is What Mario Would Look Like Without His Pubic Hair
This one seems shockingly weird out of the context of the nipple controversy surrounding Super Mario Odyssey, but basically, someone photoshopped Mario without his mustache hair and it looked weird. Like sure, my man must shave sometimes, but I just don’t want to think about it, you know? It’s like seeing the Ninja Turtles take a shit.
This one works so well because not only did the joke effectively satirize and escalate the topical situation in which it was skewering, it also gave us three different uncensored pics of Mario’s dong in various stages of his life. We’ve been repurposing this stuff for years. One of our editors got sued by Nintendo over this, but we just said he died and have been paying him under the table ever since. Nice try, Nintendo!
#1 —This is our 1,000th tweet. Thanks for everything
This is my personal favorite. It’s perfect. Look at his crooked little pecker. (check the replies for some surprises!)
Honorable mention: Nintendo Confirms Waluigi is Uncircumcised for Some Reason
This is the one that made us. That changed everything. Our “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” We’re the fuckin’ best, huh?