EA FC 24 Heroes Guide: All Confirmed Heroes in EA Sports FC 24

EA Sports FC 24 will bring a new generation of realistic football gameplay to millions of players worldwide. The game will also add a lot of new features to its highly popular Ultimate Team Mode. Like previous releases, the game will include multiple player cards over the course of the game. This includes Heroes, football players who were revered during their careers and achieved admirable milestones. EA has recently confirmed that FC 24 will receive a new batch of Heroes. So, let’s take a look at all the confirmed heroes in EA Sports FC 24.

All Heroes in EA Sports FC 24

This year EA Sports FC 24 will initially have 19 Heroes, both male and female players, when it launches. With FIFA 23 having World Cup Heroes, EA FC Sports 24 will commemorate the Heroes based on the UEFA Champions League and Women’s Champions League. Every hero will contain a base version and a UCL/UWCL version with a higher rating.

Hero League Nationality Rating
Gianluca Vialli Serie A Italy 91
Wesley Sneijder Serie A Netherlands 91
Nadine Keßler Frauen-Bundesliga Germany 90
Carlos Tevez Premier League Argentina 90
Bixente Lizarazu Bundesliga France 90
Vincent Kompany Premier League Belgium 89
Steve McManaman La Liga England 89
Sonia Bompastor D1 Arkema France 89
Paulo Futre Liga NOS Portugal 89
Rui Costa Serie A Portugal 89
Jari Litmanen Eredivisie Finland 89
Dimitar Berbatov Bundesliga Bulgaria 88
Alex Scott Women’s Premier League  England 88
Ludovic Giuly La Liga France 88
Tomáš Rosický Premier League Czech Republic 87
Nwankwo Kanu Eredivisie Nigeria 87
John Arne Riise Premier League Norway 87
Ramires Premier League Brazil 87
DaMarcus Beasley Eredivisie USA 86

How to get a Hero in EA Sports FC 24 Ultimate Team

The base versions of the Heroes will be available when the game launches worldwide on September 29. The  UCl/UWCL version of the Heroes will be available from September 27, which is also when Ultimate Edition owners will receive their guaranteed Hero item.

EA Sports FC 24 release is set for release worldwide on September 29 on the PlayStation 4, PlayStation 5, Xbox One, Xbox Series X|S, Nintendo Switch, and PC.

EA Sports FC 24 Release Time: When Does EA FC 24 Come Out?

Looking for the EA FC 24 release time? EA Sports FC 24 will bring a new generation of high-intensity gameplay and graphics to football enthusiasts all over the world. With a variety of new features and additions, players will be looking forward to the latest title in EA’s beloved football game. As such, they will surely be looking forward to the time when the game officially releases. So, let’s take a look at when the EA Sports FC 24 will be fully released.

EA Sports FC 24: Release Dates and Time

Standard Edition Release Time

September 28 at 9 PM PDT/ 10 PM CST/ 11 PM BST

September 29 at 12 AM EDT/ 6 AM CEST

Ultimate Edition Release Time

September 21 at 9 PM PDT/ 10 PM CST

September 22 at 12 AM EDT/ 5 AM BST/ 6 AM CEST

This means Ultimate Edition owners will be able to play the game a full week early, especially giving them a head start on Ultimate Team.

How to play EA Sports FC 24 Early

There is a way to play EA Sports FC 24 ahead of your release time, which is by signing up for the EA Play membership service. With that, players will be able to play up to generally 10 hours starting from September 22, the Early Access period. And, during the early access period, if they like the game, then they can purchase it. But, again, they will need to purchase the Ultimate Edition if they intend to play the game before September 29.

During this EA Play trial period, players will have enough time to try out the basic features of the game, including the single-player Manager and Player Career Modes. Additionally, they will also have the ability to try out the highly popular Ultimate Team mode and start building their ultimate squad full of the brightest and most iconic football superstars. But, after the trial ends, they will have no choice but to purchase the game. The 10-hour trial period will surely give players enough time to test out the gameplay if they only casually play the game.

9 Co-op Board Games for Friend Groups Who Actually Like Each Other

Making friends is hard, let’s face it. Unless you’re in elementary school, at which point you just pick out whoever openly shares your interests and is/isn’t smearing mud and boogers all over their own face (depending on if that’s your scene or not) and pray that they enjoy stuff in the same way you do. Because you’re a child, critical thinking isn’t really a skill you’ve developed, so the idea of liking something different from someone else is sick. Sick and wrong. There’s a simplicity to the whole thing.

After elementary school, however, the only part harder than making friends is keeping them long-term. But sometimes, SOMETIMES, you do it. You manage it. You thread the needle and you find a new friend, even a GROUP of friends, a sort of…FRIENDGROUP, that you have a lot in-common with: you’re all supportive of each other’s goals, you all like one another’s significant others, you tolerate one another’s families, and the friendship grows and blossoms into one of the most important relationships in your life alongside your partner, your beloved pets, and your massive collection of incredibly expensive boardgames that you’ve REALLY meant to get around to and you swear if you can just get everyone together, it’d be the MOST FUN EVER!

And then it happens. You’re 30. Then you’re…over 30 and drinking brings consequences, as hangovers become harsher. So you need something to do mostly-sober while being consistently fun and stimulating enough that the ever looming existential dread doesn’t fully creep in and tear your minds apart. To that end: there are at least nine games that become infinitely more fun once those bonds of friendship are secure and solid!

(Note: I often encourage you to make your own “house rules,” and I stand by altering a game to make it more fun for you personally, however that should come with the caveat: play each game at least twice before tweaking it, unless doing so would actively exclude someone. Games are often VERY precisely designed a certain way, and even though something might SOUND more fun, so long as everyone can play by the printed rules, do so a couple of times just to see how it is.)

#9 Nemesis

Making the list on a technicality because it’s so damn good: Nemesis is a game extremely inspired by both Ridley Scott and James Cameron’s takes on the H.R. Giger-designed Xenomorphs from the Alien franchise, but just distinct enough to avoid copyright law. Part of what makes that work is the distinctly Alien tone the game takes: grit and neon replacing the diesel-and-sweat of the movies, but what remains intact is the “one-or-many” terror the insectoid aliens can bring. The players are trying to ensure a base doesn’t fall apart around them while either escaping or clearing it, but the twist comes in that every player has a secret objective ranging from “Collect a certain number of samples from dead aliens” to “Be the only survivor.”

Because the game can be competitive or cooperative, it doesn’t climb higher on this list, but if everyone’s feeling like just being friends, the secret betrayal objectives can easily be culled from the deck, keeping the overall randomness and making sure that, while everyone might not be on the same page, they are at least reading the same book. Except Tyler, who wants us to think he’s reading American Psycho but is clearly just quoting the movie a lot. You’re an idiot, Tyler. 

#8 Omega Virus

Hard to find new, but easy to find cheap in auctions or garage sales in working condition, this famously chatty board game plays against you as a virus has overrun a space station, and it’s up to the players to stop it. Victory can be achieved by any one player, but if the time limit runs out, everybody loses. So while there are mechanics for attacking one another, they are also entirely optional, and honestly a good way to ferret out someone who’s maybe fun to hang out with, but doesn’t need to come to every game night. Shooting someone in the back to steal the glory is funny once, it’s maybe even funny twice, but come on, Susan. We agreed to a co-op game, and this is getting old…just like you, Susan. Just like all of us. Yeah, I said it! No, it’s not the wine talking! 

#7- Arkham Horror

H.P. Lovecraft’s work in fiction is as influential as it is deeply problematic. At some point any friend group that’s going to get into board gaming has probably come to terms with the fact that cosmic horror and the terror of realizing one’s own insignificance can be enjoyed without the dated-even-for-its-time views on race and especially interracial marriage (which, seriously, he thought Italian and Anglo-Saxon was ‘race mixing,’ the dude was born with syphilis and not mentally well) and for those who want to take the next step to interactivity: Arkham Horror is the perfect gateway. It’s all “horror of the unknown and living within a system that doesn’t care about your survival,” and none of… that other stuff.

Arkham Horror is at once complex and simple: save the titular town from the rise of one of five selectable Great Old Ones, each with its own ability and cultists dedicated to awakening them. Great Old Ones are beings that defy human logic or reason but don’t have our best interests at-heart, so them being summoned is generally considered a Bad Thing and foiling it is the fastest way to victory. Sounds simple, but the game is designed for the players to lose more than they win. It’s incredibly challenging, and unfortunately very based on luck-of-the-draw mechanics first, and strategy second.

However, since it’s entirely co-op there’s nothing that says house rules/bending rules can’t be easily introduced and integrated to ease things (having everyone start with an additional piece of equipment they select is a great first house rule, giving at least some structure to the luck and a base of everyone being able to do SOMETHING rather than trying to burn through their cards to find the one that allows their character to function), Eventually, when the Old Ones don’t seem so great anymore, the game has innumerable expansions, introducing more player characters, locations, adversaries, and equipment. There’s even a card game version that’s a great deal more compact and straightforward and every bit as expansive, but nowhere as expensive. And yeah, Bobby’s a little weirdly obsessed with ‘roleplaying’ his character, but admittedly: him subconsciously checking his neck for gills after any dangerous encounter is pretty endearing, isn’t it?

#6- Heroquest

Once the holy grail of cooperative board games, due to both its rarity and the sheer surprise of a collaboration between Milton Bradley and Games Workshop (you know, the Warhammer people that half your paycheck goes to if you play it), the heavily Dungeons & Dragons-inspired game got a recent modern re-release, and it’s a glorious way to wile an evening away enjoying a dungeon crawl without the agony of trying to corral your group of loveable cats into once place at one time more than once per blood moon. Heroquest is more stats-and-play-driven than Dungeon & Dragons’ character/narrative framework, and the game comes complete with a number of prefabricated campaigns as well as the ability to build your own. So, if you’re craving a bit of long-term storytelling to go with all the dice rolling and loot gathering, that’s entirely possible here, and even encouraged. And yes Tamra, it is very funny that you keep naming every Big Bad after a word for penis. Seriously, no sarcasm, Tamra’s hilarious and I’ll always remember the time we fought Lil’ Johnson the Gargoyle.

#5- Horrified!

While the Dark Universe extended universe that never came to be feels like it happened as a joke in a parody movie about the folly of starting a “cinematic universe,” the monsters still have their undeniable appeal that has endured for decades, and sometimes centuries, and that’s what this game pits your crew of villagers against. The Big Names, you know them: Dracula, The Wolfman, Creature from the Black Lagoon, and the rest, each with their own iconic miniature, each with different powers and defeat conditions, each hungering for human flesh and blood, and that can only be stopped by your own personal Scooby Gang. Yes, Cho, we’re the Scooby Gang, not the Buffy gang, no one wants to hitch their trailer to the Whedon truck.. not anymore. I’m sorry to tell you. Also, Firefly doesn’t hold up like you think it does, and one season of it was plenty, okay? There’s even a mid-century American version with all your favorite cryptids making an appearance if Bigfoot, the Mothman, and Jersey Devil are more your speed than old fuddy-duddy horrors like Karlov’s mournful eyes behind Frankenstein’s monster, less-sexy Shape of Water in a stifling rubber suit, and Bella Lugosi’s heroin addiction. Either way though, this flawed but lovable crew will most likely remind you of your own in some fucked up way. 

#4 -What Next?

A slight departure from the previous entries, as this is a card game first-and-foremost, but rather than simply drawing and playing cards, this one tells a nonlinear, choose-your-own-adventure-style narrative that requires actual dexterity checks. And I don’t mean rolling dice with advantage and adding bonuses, I mean “balance this card on your nose while catching a red ball thrown by another player.” Consequences for failed skill checks can be disastrous, but are always hilarious, and the game’s sharp-yet-whimsical scenarios are even replayable as success or failure often determines the direction the strange, winding tale will take. Elegant in its simplicity, and far more on the “party game” side of things, it’s nevertheless a great deal more interesting and unique than another supposed “social engineering” game that just ends with “JK Rowling’s dirty diaper” again, or whatever moment in pop culture people thought it would be brilliant to enshrine forever in a game.

#3 Samurai Spirits

You know what would have made Akira Kurosawa’s unassailable classic film Seven Samurai, about disparate samurai defending a small village from an invading horde of bandits, even better? If those samurai could shapeshift into badass animal forms with ripping guitar solos! YEAAAAAAAH!!!

While you’ll have to provide your own musical accompaniment, Samurai Spirits provides the rest: a nails-tough, truly challenging game of trying to juggle priorities while sending your surprisingly fragile beast-samurais to curtail the invading barbarians. With old standbys like a fox, a tiger, and a bear to more unusual fare like a raccoon, boar, and a monkey (and of course a wolf, OF COURSE a wolf), the game is well known for its brutal challenge, partially owing to a frankly lackluster instruction booklet. Thankfully, there are numerous tutorial videos that can better encapsulate what players should be striving for, but for those who learn by doing, the game rarely takes more than an hour to complete. After a few sessions, it becomes far clearer in terms of moment-to-moment goals and how tactics and priorities are the actual focus, rather than the badass shapeshifting warriors. They’re great though, don’t get me wrong. A great addition to any group down for a truly repeatable challenge, and sometimes the tragedy of an unwinnable card draw. Plus, Jeff’s back on Adderall, this time with an actual prescription, so his brain’s processing 29 scenarios at once and he might just have the one where we win stored in there. There’s only one way to find out. ONE! MORE! GAME!

#2 Pandemic Legacy

Well…this one certainly hits different in 2023, doesn’t it? Pandemic is a boardgame all about playing as emergency service workers (the real heroes of the world, if you can remember that thing from three years ago) as they struggle against a self-playing plague that is sweeping the world. Juggling movement, resources, and special abilities against an ever-growing tide, and an ever-dispassionate population, the game is famous for starting easy and suddenly tailspinning as a run of bad cards can truly turn things around at a moment’s notice, but it rarely feels like the game got a “cheap” win. The ‘Legacy’ version expands upon the original, creating a world that just can’t seem to catch a break as the board state changes permanently with each game played. Thrilling, strategic, and requiring everyone to actually work together, it’s one of the best examples of the genre, and if any one in the group keeps making those “humorous” antivax comments (Yeah Gunnar, we’re all gonna check out this one YouTuber who’s “just asking some questions…”)? Well, it’s always nice to have someone fail a test they didn’t realize they were taking, I guess.

#1 Sentinels of the Multiverse: Definitive Edition

If your gaggle of geeks enjoys superhero media, this is a no-brainer. Based on the early musings and worldbuilding of a pair of best friends (Christopher Badell, and Adam Rebottaro, who also host the glorious in-universe Letters Page podcast that talks about the extensive lore behind each and every single card. Not just the characters…Every! Card!), Sentinels of the Multiverse takes place in the fictional world of Sentinel Comics Publishing, a “definitely real comic book publisher that exists in our world” that has been in-operation since around the 1930s, and has produced decades worth of stories about various superheroes, all of which you can play out in this approachable-yet-complex card game. 1-5 players take control of a hero deck or two (or any number if you’re soloing, and repeat after me: It’s NOT sad, it’s learning the game better while having fun), many inspired by old favorites, all with fresh, new takes on the genre, and all do battle against a self-playing villain deck. The villains are vastly more powerful than individual heroes, and they must therefore synergize and work together, alongside an environment deck that can help or hinder (often both from one turn to the next) to overcome the threat. The original version is still available, but in my opinion the more recent Definitive Edition is just that. It’s more balanced, more approachable, and while it sacrifices a bit of the sheer variety of the original build, it replaces it with reliability of far more ways to draw and play cards, so tactical thinking is at the fore, even in a game where the player must still contend with the luck of the draw, and players are rarely left with a turn where they can “do nothing” or at least not build to doing something cool on a subsequent turn. Because, truly, there is nothing more satisfying than watching Shy Laura go from barely confident enough to play a card without asking first to her declaring, “Wait, I think I have this…” and then suddenly unleashing a cascade of cards and effects that does 17 damage and pulls a victory over a villain on Ultimate difficulty for the group. YOU’RE THE HERO, LAURA! YOU WERE THE HERO ALL ALONG! 

9 Competitive Boardgames for Friend Groups Who Secretly Hate Each Other

Sometimes friends fight. For any particularly well-adjusted friend group, it can be about petty things or serious things, but if the group is close enough, through either personal growth or the unending march of time, things are usually settled. But sometimes…they linger. They fester. They eat away at the heart of what brought you and your pals together in the first place, but…it’s too late now. You’re 30. Do you have ANY IDEA how hard it is to cultivate a new group of friends in your 30s?! So sometimes, instead of breaking up the gang, you introduce another member of the group: a scapegoat to blame all the problems on. In lieu of a new person, sometimes the scapegoat need be nothing more than a board game. Here are nine great competitive board games for the friend group that secretly fucking hates each other. 

Honorable Mention: Cards Against Humanity

What started as an icebreaker for gathered acquaintances to get to know one another better has morphed into “Edgelord Apples-to-Apples” seemingly overnight. Instead of giving insights into things a group wouldn’t normally discuss, every game just ends with “HITLER’S ORPHANAGE ON FIRE” and no one has actually learnt anything except who’s most likely to someday give an apology that involves the phrase “I’m sorry you were offended.” Only good if you genuinely want to break up the friend group, but if I didn’t include it, people with the most lukewarm takes would insist I ‘forgot’ it. (Even though Apples-to-Apples is actually the far superior version, long-term)

#9. Warhammer/Warhammer 40,000

While on the surface it’s a dense tactics game with an absolute boatload of customizability and actually-excellent surrounding lore that can be played using you furniture as “terrain,” anyone who tries to convince you to play it probably secretly hates you, and especially your bank account, at least a little bit. Still, there’s a reason it’s endured for decades, and with more and more YouTubers who aren’t obsessed with the Space Marines’ emphasis on religious fervor and eugenics: maybe take a look anyway? At the very least: those Horus Heresey books that Smokebreak Vinny (who makes every game take twice as long because “vaping’s for kids” and so is time management, apparently) keeps talking about are actually pretty sweet.

#8. King of Tokyo

A game that was more than happy to ride the post-Pacific Rim Kaiju Kraze to great effect, players take control of their favorite giant monsters (or quirky pilots of giant robots) and take turns tearing chunks out of each other, and the aggrieved Japanese metropolis, to earn points. The part where the knife turns is that everything is done with dice rolling and push-your-luck mechanics that really tend to bring out the worse peer pressure this side of a “Just say no” PSA. A stack of superpowers anyone can buy stops the game from  being only dice rolls, but the real meat lies in encouraging your friend Ken, currently doing his third rail in 20 minutes to “get in the headspace” of a bunny piloting a giant mechsuit, to reroll a perfectly fine result to try for their “Big One” power card. Having them succeed is sweet…but nothing’s sweeter than when they fail it!

#7. Betrayal At Hill House

This is a 1-VS-Many game that actually starts with everyone on the same side until an event within the game causes one of them to become a “traitor” and begin to play a new game against the remaining group. And while the game is a brilliant blend of roleplaying and rigid mechanics with just enough randomness to avoid dogpiling, you also could pretty easily rig the betrayal mechanic in this haunted house roleplaying board game, in case there is a member of the squad that everyone unanimously dislikes, but hasn’t become the official scapegoat for whatever reason. The game is fairly well balanced and the “1” might enjoy being the center of attention, especially if they’re Theatre-Kid Daniel, since Daniel only has to work alone. (And yeah, he insists on putting the “e” at the end the word theatre, of course he fucking does). I’m getting so sick of Daniel, dude. 

#6. Smash-Up

A deckbuilding game where two factions, represented by decks of cards, are literally smashed/shuffled together to form one cohesive legion. So you can wind up with Zombie Robots, Alien Cats, or, if you’re feeling basic and yearning for 2005’s hottest memes, Pirate Ninjas. The game tends to reward cascade/combination-style play, which really makes for massive plays once decks rev up. Plus it functions as an easy to way to see if there’s anyone you really should just ostracize, as anyone who picks the Geeks faction more than once is…just the worst kind of person. Everybody gets once, DANIEL! ONCE! Do it a third time and see what happens, dude. There are combinations you haven’t even DREAMED of that I’ve been holding back, Daniel…

#5. Dead of Winter

The Walking Dead’s never-ending march from white hot into irrelevance made this hard to recommend for a while, but it’s actually gotten easy again as it shockingly turns out “zombie media done well” is an evergreen concept. And this is a zombie survival game done very, very well. It’s your settlement VS zombies VS another NPC settlement that doesn’t always enter into the game, and one of your players might be a traitor. There’s still plenty of tension in a non-traitor game, as obviously a real traitor would never out themselves, but even people who are on the same “side” often have goals that don’t intersect, so helping a so-called “ally” can even become a matter of bargaining, and some folks like to hold grudges, even, I dunno, grudges brought over from other games. Simple, yes, but since the traitor mechanic is random, and might not occur, no single, bitter, resentful, angry, “theatre” kid who’s name starts with a D and who never made it further than a college stage can consistently steal the spotlight. So that’s cool! 

#4. The Thing: Infection at Outpost 31

Like the above game, but with the risk of there always being a traitor that then becomes a team all its own. There’s also no way of conferring or confirming who belongs to which side unless you go full, “That’s not Bennings,” and blow your own cover…which is absolutely viable if you’re pulling the spotlight off of someone who can remain hidden. Based on the John Carpenter classic adaptation of the incredibly named short story “Who Goes There?” the climax of this game comes when any number of players have escaped, and if it’s more than one, the appointed captain must pick who’s coming with them and it can’t be “No one else,” and everyone must then be checked for infection. I’m not saying any friend group worth its salt-and-cheap-tequila would recreate the famous petri dish/burning wire/bloodletting scene…but it’d be PRETTY COOL if ours did, wouldn’t it? I mean I’m just saying: Kendra’s a nurse practitioner, she has a scalpel, and we’ve got this petri dish…it’d be PRETTY COOL, huh?

#3. Risk Legacy

If you think this friend group isn’t going anywhere, then why not invest in this twist on Risk that requires 15 games to “complete” and can fundamentally change the map, available factions, and abilities at any point between games 2 and 15? Part of the Legacy line of reinventing classic and modern games, where the state of play at the end of each session actually changes permanently as more and more games are played, it makes Risk incredibly fun and far more strategic, as there’s a lot more than squatting in Australia rolling dice forever. And that’s before taking into account the added bonus of genuine hidden unlockables and individual faction/team abilities. And you can easily give the boot to any killjoy who looks up what’s in the hidden “NEVER OPEN THIS” envelope, because they are clearly without joy unless it come at the expense of others and are a bad friend. Sure, they might not be a bad person overall, but why hang out with someone so dedicated to ruining the group’s fun for a cheap, personal thrill?

#2. Diplomacy

This one’s probably going to be the toughest sell, no matter how close your group of misanthropic weirdos who barely tolerate one another might seem. A largely text-based game that functions on non-specific rules and consequences, but hinges on written actions that all occur simultaneously, I’m out of breath just trying to type a very basic explanation of this incredibly complex, ocean-deep game. But truly, for simmering resentment and passive-aggression built over silent years enabling each others’ worst vices? You cannot find a better game. You will be amazed as the friend you assumed was the quiet/awkward one just quietly/awkwardly wins the whole thing.

#1. Munchkin

Look, if you’re at all familiar with boardgames or card games or have looked toward a store that’s even heard of board games in the last 20 years, you knew this was coming. But that’s because the obvious answer is obvious for a reason: and Munchkin might as well come packaged with a dagger wreathed in velvet to plunge into the back of a “friend” at the climax of this whimsical, cartoonish game. The base system (there are innumerable spin-offs and expansions covering a wide swath of genres and content from superheroes to Eldritch horror to time travel) is a simulation of a randomly-generated dungeon crawler: playing a deck that has treasure, monsters, and hazards and either helping or hindering one another actively. The goal is simple: the first person to make it to experience level 10 wins but the game is built around getting as close to level 10 as possible before EVERYONE ELSE starts to dogpile and screw them over to prevent them from winning . So one of your other dipshit friends, probably Joey who chugs 40s and smokes blunts but never has gas money, can quietly sneak in and actually win. And it’ll happen every single time and everyone will go home pissed off, except Joey who’s going to get another 40, and then, FOR SOME REASON, suggest playing again AND YOU’RE GOING TO SAY YES! Because this game has endured shattering friend groups for over 20 years and is still going strong because it’s just SO easy to start and SO FUN TO PLAY!

Top 10 Wii Accessories to Try in the Bedroom

In 2006, Nintendo debuted the Nintendo Wii, a groundbreaking console that quickly grabbed the world’s attention with its minimalist design, intuitive motion controls, and versatile capabilities. Along with playing exclusive Wii titles, the console also had the ability to run GameCube games through backward compatibility. Nintendo didn’t stop there, however, and continued to release various accessories that not only heightened the motion-sensing gaming experience, but also could actually come in pretty handy in a gamer’s love life. Here are the top 10 Wii accessories to try in the bedroom!

Handy Straps

These straps come in handy when things get serious. Consensually bind your partner’s wrists together with Nintendo’s official bondage straps!

Tennis Racket

Turn your casual playing of Wii Sports into a hot and steamy spank session. A tennis match where everyone’s a winner and the score is always love-love.

Steering Wheel

Drive your partner crazy with the Wii Steering Wheel. True Mario Kart gamers can play without it, but gamers who fuck can’t go without it.

Wii Fit

Don’t have sex on your Wii Fit. Why do you even still have that thing?

Wii to HDMI Adapter

There is nothing sexier than high definition gaming. The aphrodisiac of video game hardware, this adapter has led to countless conceived children.

Wii Baseball Bat

If you’re trying to hit a homerun in the bedroom, I suggest the baseball bat. Roleplay as Joe DiMaggio and Marilyn Monroe having statuesque 1950s intercourse with the motion sensing video game accessory of the future!

Wii Jacket

Alone? Use the Wii Jacket to do just that!

Wii Zapper

After a sexy playthrough of Link’s Crossbow Training, keep that Wii Zapper close by to penetrate your partner’s various orifices.

Nunchuk

The Nunchuck’s lengthy cord makes it a triple threat in the bedroom. Whip it, tie it, and strap it down, the Wii Nunchuk is a modern day sexy Bop-It.

Wii Remote

This is the essential Wii adult toy that every freak needs in their bedside table. The iconic “Wiimote” can be anything your mind can imagine. A magic wand, knight’s sword, or a clunky robot penis, the possibilities are endless!

Emotionally Damaged Man Tries To Explain ‘Futurama’ Episode Where Dog Dies To Therapist

CHICAGO — Following the recent reboot of Futurama on Hulu, local man Aaron Klopfer tried to explain to his therapist the episode where Fry’s dog dies.

“Every time this show gets brought back from cancellation, I’m triggered all over again,” explained Klopfer to his therapist. “If I don’t see it for a while, I forget all about it. But the second it comes back, again, I’m reminded of the episode ‘Jurassic Bark’, where Fry’s dog waited for him after he got cryogenically frozen, all the way until he couldn’t anymore– sorry, is there a tissue I can have? I always get choked up thinking about it.”

Klopfer’s therapist, Dr. Steve Nadia, explained that this theme is common among many of his patients.

“We see this kind of thing a lot from millennials, who tend to be trapped and tethered to memories of cartoons they saw in their youth,” explained Nadia. “And can you blame them? The world is a harsh place: the job market hasn’t been great for them, and political division runs rampant. Their minds are naturally going to wander to traumatic experiences just to distract them from these tough realities. Older generations were similarly traumatized by Bambi’s mom getting shot by a hunter. It really is a tragic coping mechanism.”

Creator Matt Groening expressed hopes to traumatize a whole new generation with this latest reboot.

Futurama is a show that just cannot die, unlike Fry’s dog, or Fry’s brother. High five!” said Groening, through cruel laughter. “At its core, Futurama is a show that’s supposed to make people laugh, and possibly even think about social issues in a different context. But every once in a while, we try to include a tear jerker just to fuck with people. It’s an opportunity I didn’t get to do enough on The Simpsons!”

At press time, therapists’ caseloads nationwide doubled after an episode aired where Fry’s long-lost cat died of loneliness or something.

“Wait, I Could’ve Brought An Uzi?”: Rules Controversy Rocks Mortal Kombat Tournament

WU SHI ACADEMY The organizers behind the regular Earthrealm-Outworld martial-arts tournament have come under fire from international regulatory agencies upon the revelation that their competition does not seem to have any actual rules.

“I sat down for an interview with Black Belt magazine last week to discuss my upcoming movie First Constable,” said Johnny Cage, an actor who participated in the most recent tournament. “I’d gotten halfway through the story about the qualifying rounds before the guy asks me, ‘Wait, they let a guy have a sword?’ For some reason, I didn’t think that was weird until right then. So you’re telling me I could’ve just brought an Uzi?”

After Cage went public with his concerns, additional footage was released that indicates the tournament does not have any recognizable bracket structure, with a single competitor often asked to fight up to four single-elimination matches in a single day. It also has no regulations that govern weight classes, protective gear, prohibited holds, women’s divisions, cybernetic enhancements, schools of magic, automatic weapons, high explosives, close air support, or victors being permitted to tear off and keep a defeated opponent’s head, skull, or spine.

“We were shown footage of a competitor who ate his opponent’s arm, bones and all,” said Rupert Nichols, chairman of the board of directors of UN Interdimensional Contact Sports, a quickly-formed agency that governs worldwide participation in interrealm competitions. “Ordinarily, that would be an obvious disqualification, but the Outworld judges disagree. We’re trying to get it to the point where it at least costs you points for the round.”

Added Nichols, “We’re told their chess circuit is even worse, if you can believe it.”

The tournament reportedly has been ongoing for roughly four thousand years, but was a closely kept secret of the Shaolin order until last month. Records indicate that no competitor has been seriously injured or killed in the inter-realm tournament within its known history. This has drawn fire from critics, who note that by Shaolin archivists’ standards, shattered ribs, broken necks, skull fractures, impalement, or getting both hips dislocated by prehensile hair are not considered “serious injuries.”

“I’ve always written it off as being Outworld’s culture,” said Liu Kang, God of Fire and Earthrealm’s chief sponsor for the tournament. “You have to understand that every single person there is, by our standards, a superhuman murderer with actual centuries of martial-arts experience. The most normal person over there can still conjure fireworks directly inside your chest cavity. Worse, she’s a cop.”

“This really is an improvement, as hard as it may be for you to believe,” Kang continued. “Before my New Era, the original tournament was a visibly rigged, deliberately unfair blood sport that we started as a desperate attempt to keep these assholes from running through us like shoppers on Black Friday. We’d throw an entire generation of Earthrealm fighters into a meat grinder every century, in the blind hope that sooner or later, one of them would think to punch Goro in the dick.”

When asked what he meant by “original tournament” or “New Era,” Kang claimed he’d left his oven on and disappeared in a pillar of blue fire.

News of the competition’s lax rules has drawn both international condemnation and a groundswell of interest. Sign-ups for next year’s tournament already number in the thousands, roughly half of whom are eager to participate in a competition that reclassifies live gunfire as an element of a contact sport.

“We’re going to have to reform the whole thing, top to bottom,” said Nichols. “We’re imposing a new set of rules. Single elimination, one-on-one fights. No wizards. No weapons unless both sides have one. And calling upon the spirits of your ancestors who eternally dwell within your magical blade still constitutes match interference. I feel like I shouldn’t have to tell you that.”

At time of writing, Dylan Casey had been appointed as Earthrealm’s first official in-ring referee for the tournament, and shortly afterward, was stabbed to death with his own broken leg.

Check out our Mortal Kombat and Mario Kart shirts, available for a limited time! 

/**/

Hideo Kojima Currently Missing Following Visit To Criterion Closet

NEW YORK — After finally getting his chance to visit the famous Criterion Closet full of Blu-rays and DVDs from the esteemed Criterion Collection, video game director and notable film buff Hideo Kojima was reportedly missing in action.

“He missed his flight back to Tokyo this morning, and we’re not sure where he is,” said Kojima’s personal assistant Ayako Terashima. “We’ve filed a missing person’s report with the NYPD, and have contacted his best friends Norman Reedus and Guillermo Del Toro to see if they’d heard anything from him. The only thing left behind was an inconspicuous cardboard box, so we are all really just hoping for the best.”

Jonathan B. Turell, CEO of the Criterion Collection, stressed that the issue has taken top priority at their organization.

“We take pride in these guided visits of our curated collection, and hold our handpicked guests in high regard,” stated Turrell. “We are all big fans of Mr. Kojima and his work, so suffice to say, we will do everything in our power to find him. One of our staff members noticed that a Blu-ray film prominently featuring Mads Mikkelsen on the cover was missing off the shelf this morning, so we believe that we may well be hot on his trail.”

Noises from the cardboard box were reportedly heard later on in the afternoon.

“Hello? Norman, it’s me,” said a mysterious muffled voice. “Yeah, I’m in. What? No, nobody will find me. I am engaging in tactical espionage to shroud my presence. Just park the motorcycle out front in one hour, and make sure you have room for both me, and a large sack of movies!”

At press time, actor Norman Reedus was seen disguised as a delivery boy, hauling a large person-sized sack around New York City on his back.

Chainsaw Man Characters Ranked By How Fun They’d Be On A Road Trip

Road trips are a great way to explore the countryside on your own four wheels and see the sights with your own two eyes. They’re even better with some good friends or companions, though that can be a pretty important decision to make, as they can be long and excruciating affairs if you pick the wrong crew. Here are some of the most prominent Chainsaw Man characters ranked by how much fun they’d be on a road trip.

#26 — Katana Man

He’s a dick who won’t stop complaining about his dead grandpa. When he asks you to pull over so he can take a leak, hit the gas and drive off without him. And never look back.

#25 — Bat Devil

He’s huge, he sheds, and he’s constantly hogging the aux cable. Don’t bring Bat Devil along unless you really like “electro swing,” whatever that is.

#24 — Cosmo

All she can say is “Halloween”. That’s going to get old after a while.

#23 — Gun Devil

Do I really need to explain how bad of an idea this is? I guess if you get carjacked he’s good for self-defense, but generally a pretty loose cannon. He’s literally a giant hair trigger.

#22 — Akane Sawatari

Akane is a bit of a snake and generally untrustable. She made a contract with the Snake Devil, after all. Don’t be surprised if some of your quarters are missing from the dashboard when you get back from the bathroom.

#21 — Hirokazu Arai

This guy’s a total stick in the mud. He’ll constantly be keeping an eye on the speedometer, making sure you don’t go over. “Whoa buddy, do you really need to go 50 in a 45 zone? What’s the rush?” Total boy scout.

#20 — Reze

This chick is a walking red flag, and can be a little explosive if you catch her in the wrong mood. Who knows what could happen if you bring her along, but it’s sure to keep things interesting and lively anyway.

#19 — Makima

Speaking of red flags… Makima is going to try to dictate every decision you make and control every aspect of your travel plans. But uh, maybe she’s into you?

#18 — Beam

His head turns into a giant shark sometimes. That’s going to be a problem.

#17 — Yutaro Kurose

He’s usually with Michiko so they’re going to be a package deal.

#16 — Michiko Tendo

She’s usually with Yutaro so they’re going to be a package deal.

#15 — Fami

She’s the Famine Devil, so naturally she’s going to eat all the snacks in the car. The closest convenience store is off the next exit and that’s apparently… 40 miles away. Thanks a lot, Fami.

#14 — Aki Hayakawa

Listen, Aki is super chill, but he’s not the best conversationalist. He’s also constantly wanting to stop for smokes, too, which is going to add a lot of time to the trip. Don’t be surprised if you end up at your destination a day or so late if you bring Aki.

#13 — Kishibe

Kishibe is absolutely going to be trashed the whole time, so he could never help out and take the wheel when you’re tired of driving. He’s cool to talk to at least, and he’s got a lot of wild stories to tell.

#12 — Hirofumi Yoshida

It’s hard to get a read on this guy, but he seems to be pretty chill with you, so I guess that’s good? He’s also got a contract with the Octopus Devil, which… isn’t very helpful, but it’s also not a deterrent either.

#11 — Denji

Ah yes, we’re finally at Denji. He’s generally up for anything, and even has the power to become Chainsaw Man, who’s so popular there’s even a church dedicated to him– but nobody even knows his name! “He just like you FR!” Just don’t expect his broke-ass to pitch in for gas.

#10 — Falling Devil

You can count on the Falling Devil to bring some good food for the road, but every once in a while it’s a guy’s head or something. No thanks.

#9 — Power

Power is “kind of a lot” for some people. She’s loud, she’s demanding, and she says what’s on her mind. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, though, as you’ll never have to guess what she’s thinking if she gets really quiet in the car sometimes. Just let her sleep.

#8 — Quanxi

Quanxi will agree to come along, but will always ask if she can bring her harem of Fiends along. They’re a pretty fun bunch, but you might not have enough seats in the car to accommodate everyone.

#7 — Asa Mitaka

Asa can be a bit of a downer until you get to know her better. She might not say much for the first few hours of the drive, and can even seem a little judgmental, but just give her some time to open up and you’ll be good buddies by the end of the trip. Side note: if she ever gets a little moody, keep in mind that she’s possessed by the War Devil sometimes.

#6 — Angel Devil

He’s generally pretty easy to talk to and willing to tag along for just about anything, but he’s got kind of a guilt complex. His apologies can become a little tiring, even if he means well. It’s fine that you spilled your soda, dude. That was 9 hours ago. Let’s move on.

#5 — Galgali

Even though Galgali is technically the Violence Fiend, he’s super polite and straightforward. Seriously, you put this guy in a car with a complete stranger, and they’ll have exchanged phone numbers to text each other by the end of it.

#4 — Kobeni Higashiyama

Let’s be honest: Kobeni is a total spaz. But she can provide her own car if needed, and will even drive the entire time. She says it puts her at ease, so you can just kick your feet back and relax the whole time until someone accidentally cuts her off in traffic.

#3 — Future Devil

The Future Devil is a great travel planner. Seriously, he knows exactly what’s going to happen, and will tell you if there’s anything fun going on in cities along the way. He’s also basically a living breathing GPS, and a generally fun guy! Missed your exit? No worries- Future Devil’s got you covered.

#2 — Himeno

She’s gonna smoke a lot in the car, but has the decency to at least roll the windows down. She’s also got you covered if you need to bum a cigarette at any time, and will offer to pay for dinner if you agree to stop at Waffle House. Himeno’s great.

#1 — Pochita

He’s quiet, he’s loyal, and he’s man’s best friend with a chainsaw for a head. What’s not to love?

Lakitu Ignores ‘Annoyingly Loud Motorcycle’ Flying Into Mushroom City Gap

MUSHROOM CITY — Longtime Mario Kart Racing referee Lakitu has been implicated in the falling death of a Mushroom City motorcyclist during last night’s race.

“‘Look at me, showing off on my annoyingly loud motorcycle.’ Like this job isn’t hard enough on my tiny ears,” Lakitu was heard saying of the driver and his vehicle in unedited footage of the race obtained from Mario Kart TV. Investigators confirmed from the wreckage that the motorcycle’s exhaust system had been illegally modified to reach decibel levels consistent with Lakitu’s description.

“A wheelie. Cool. Yeah, wave to the camera,” Lakitu went on to say toward the end of the third lap. “Better watch for the gap, though… Whoops. I sure hope someone has a fishing rod.”

In statements released through his attorney, Lakitu does not accept responsibility for the crash, and instead holds that Mario Kart Racing’s understaffing is to blame. Over the years, Lakitu’s job duties have expanded to include guiding competitors around the tracks, waving flags, rescuing falling vehicles, and, most recently, capturing most or all video for MKTV. Mario Kart Racing, however, has suggested that Mushroom City is more liable.

“We take our a-partnerships with a-municipalities like Mushroom City very seriously,” explained Mario Mario, head and namesake of the Mario Kart Racing organization. “But we a-rely on a-local governments to help us prevent this a-kind of a-tragedy by making their own decisions about whether to allow a-civilians on the road during our dangerous races, and taking precautions like a-designing their elevated a-highways with a-guardrails.”

In addition to rejecting claims of sluggishness toward infrastructure improvements, some members of Mushroom City Council have called for greater scrutiny of Lakitu’s ties to the Koopa Troop, an armed militia with a decades-long history of violence against the Mushroom Kingdom and its citizenry.

“I won’t deny that watching people fall to their deaths is a big part of mainstream Koopa culture,” said King Bowser Koopa, a regular Mario Kart competitor and infamous leader of the Koopa Troop, of which he confirmed Lakitu is a reserve member. “But Mario Kart is supposed to be a safe space. I mean, have you ever once seen me kidnap Peach during a race? Even when the course was literally inside my house? No. So you can rest assured that Lakitu will be court-martialed and punished to the fullest extent of the law.”

As for how this controversy will affect the future of the sport, Mario Kart Racing reassured its sponsors on a call today that the spectator experience will go unchanged, with Mario himself announcing that Lakitu has already been fired and replaced as referee, flagman, first responder, and camera operator by four other identical Lakitus, each also named Lakitu.

Check out our Mortal Kombat and Mario Kart shirts, available for a limited time! 

/**/

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News

Get the latest punk news delivered straight to your inbox

We'll store and process this information to provide you our products and services. You may opt out of this at any time.