Animal Crossing Update Adds Seasonal Depression

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

KYOTO, Japan — Japanese gaming giant Nintendo announced that a forthcoming update for their hit title Animal Crossing: New Horizons would finally add seasonal affective disorder to the game.

“This series has always been built around the concept of time passing exactly as it does in our world,” said Aya Kyogoku, the game’s director. “The sun rises and sets, and certain activities are only available at specific times of the day. We’ve included seasonal activities and holidays throughout the year, as well. One hallmark of the change of seasons that we have long wanted to include is the desire that comes as the days get shorter to stay in bed all day, eating junk food and watching Netflix as you think about how much better and more successful your friends are than you. It’s the little touches like that which make our game so immersive.”

Kelly Branch, a longtime Animal Crossing fan, was distressed to learn of the upcoming changes.

“Animal Crossing was the only light in my life from November through February,” said Branch. “It was the one escape I had from my actual, real life depression. I’ve spent years building up a wardrobe full of cute winter outfits in the game, and now they’re saying I’ll only be able to wear the same pair of sweats for nearly half of the year. I guess I’m okay with the feature they added where you can pretend you’re not home when a villager comes over to visit, though.”

Dr. Sophia Contreras, an expert in seasonal affective disorder, had tips for melancholy gamers who wanted to continue playing Animal Crossing through the winter.

“While it may not provide the direct emotional release that it did previously, I still think the game is a valuable resource to those suffering from seasonal depression,” said Contreras. “Not only can it provide them with valuable structure and routine, but if they turn the brightness on their Switch way up, it basically becomes a light therapy box. Sure, it’s not real sunshine, but studies show it might possibly help a little bit maybe.”

At press time, users on the Animal Crossing subreddit were sharing which of the game’s harvestable fruits and vegetables were the best sources of Vitamin D.

Millions of Games May Go Unbeaten After Nation’s Older Brothers Vote to Authorize Strike

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

LOS ANGELES — Contract negotiations between older and younger siblings reached a fever pitch after the League of Fraternal Elders voted to authorize a strike, threatening the completion of video games across the country.

“Our demands are reasonable,” said Zack Taylor, a 14-year-old LOFE representative. “We just want our contributions to be acknowledged. For decades, younger brothers have been taking undue credit for their gaming performances. Even back in the arcade era, an older sibling might sub in to ace a Galaga challenging stage, but he couldn’t expect to see his initials on the high score table. We also want to protect our livelihood by receiving a guarantee that our valuable services will not be replaced by AI tools. This is about ensuring our future. No one is going to pinch this LOFE.”

Zack’s mother saw the situation from a different perspective.

“I just think Zack and the boys are getting a little greedy,” said Susan Taylor, mother to Zack and his younger brother Thomas. “I don’t want to discourage him from taking initiative, but they’ve already got a pretty good deal. Sure, they don’t get official credit for beating a game, but all of Tommy’s friends know that he didn’t beat Thunderblight Ganon by himself. I mean, I had trouble with that boss fight, and I’ve been playing the series for thirty years. Plus, Tommy has never ratted on Zack for those magazines he hides in the cabinet of their shared bathroom. I think that’s enough compensation.”

Industry insiders have been anxious to see the situation resolved.

“I think we’re at a very precarious moment,” said an anonymous executive at a prominent game developer. “When the Nintendo Hotline went down, we got by because we had GameFAQS. No one is writing those guides any more. Have you tried googling the solution to a specific puzzle or boss fight in a game these days? It’s all junk! Half of it is written by AI, and the other half is stolen from the AI sites. If the big brothers strike, this market could collapse.”

At press time, negotiations had broken down after a dispute over whether or not Minecraft was “for babies.”

‘Tekken 8’ Will Let You Play as That Guy Who Threw a Shoe at George Bush

Posted on by Travis Tack

IRVINE, Calif. — Bandai Namco Entertainment has revealed that the latest installment of Tekken will feature Muntadhar al-Zaidi, the man famous for throwing a shoe at George Bush.

Gamers will be able to test their skills against a diverse set of combat styles: Capoeira against Shoe, Aikido against Shoe, Sword against Shoe. In anticipation of the release, Bandai Namco sent us a brief overview of the character:

‘Fighting Style: Shoe Throwing
Hobby: Public Relations
Work: Professional journalist

Summary: Stats include high aggressiveness and very low damage. Does poorly against players who have solid “side stepping” or “throw countering” abilities. Shoe type: Oxford.’

Of course, fighting as al-Zaidi will add a unique set of challenges, as the character spends the majority each battle being chased around by secret service.

Reporters reached out to al-Zaidi for comment and he told them: “One of these Tekkens has a jaguar face. He has a jaguar for a face and he does pro-wrestling moves. All I have is a shoe!”

In order to get a youth perspective on the announcement, we tracked down some local kids hanging out in a nearby park.

“The Iraq War ended before I was born and I have no real connections to the Tekken franchise,” stated 13 year-old Jason Jensen.

The game is set to be released in January of 2024. As of this moment, there’s still no word on whether players will be able to unlock President Bush, a man with more confirmed kills than all the other Tekken characters combined. He also paints! 

Guy Playing Flight Simulator Almost As Drunk As Real Pilot

Posted on by Travis Tack

PHILADELPHIA — Local gamer Stephen Moore successfully simulated a flight from Courchevel to London City while drinking from a large bottle of grain alcohol.

“In the past year, I’ve logged 1100 hours and over 9,000 cocktails,” Moore told reporters. “My doctor says I have the liver of a Pan-Am pilot.”

For many years, flight simulators were nothing more than simple video games. However, as the technology has continued to advance, flight simulators have now enabled everyday gamers like Stephen to fly drunk at a near professional level. Of course, not everyone agrees.

“People playing flight simulators may think they have the drinking skills to pilot an airplane, but they’re underestimating the vast quantity of training and alcohol that’s actually required,” said 17-year veteran pilot Steve Halligan.

“Mock jocks like that can’t hold their liquor when it really matters,” he continued. “They don’t know what it’s like to hit a goose at 30,000 feet after seven mai tais and some bad fish. Next thing you know, you’ve got a jet full of goose feathers and there are cocktail umbrellas all over the place. You don’t understand what that’s like until you’ve spent a decade working for Spirit Airlines.”

Moore, on the other hand, disagrees.

“I’d argue that simulators are more difficult to pilot drunk because the buttons are smaller and there’s no one to wake you up if you pass out,” he said. “I also think they can be an invaluable training tool. Providing aspiring pilots with an opportunity to refine their skills, practice emergency procedures, and fill time while their bodies metabolize alcohol. Which, at the end of the day, is really the best part of flying.”

As of press time, a drunken Moore excused himself to the bathroom to go “join the mile high club, if you know what I mean.” 

CEO Who Only Had Bad Ideas Totally Leaving Company of His Own Volition

Posted on by Kevin Podas

SAN FRANCISCO — After a tenured career of only bad ideas and loads of controversy, Unity CEO John Riccitiello is reportedly stepping down from his position and definitely not getting fired and kicked on his way out the door.

“We thank John for his many years of service, or whatever you’re supposed to say in a situation like this,” stated James Whitehurst, the interim CEO. “He is leaving the company, and definitely did not get a large pink slip palm-slammed on his desk this morning. We wish him the best, but you know, not really.”

Other members of the organization shared their thoughts on Riccitiello’s run as CEO.

“John had a lot of bad ideas. So many, it was honestly impressive,” said Roelof Botha, the lead independent director of Unity. “Honestly the only reason we kept him on so long was because it truly was such an anomaly. And you know what, that’s on us. That’s our bad. So long John, thanks for the memories.”

Riccitiello himself put out a public statement regarding his departure.

“Goodbye to everyone,” began a screenshot from the notes app on Riccitiello’s phone. “I am leaving now, as I am needed elsewhere. This was my decision, and I definitely did not take it lightly. I definitely put a lot of careful thought into it, but I must move on. Oh, and to anyone who downloaded this apology on their phone, you owe me five bucks.”

At press time, a vacant seat at Unity was left open for whoever could come up with the dumbest, greediest idea possible.

What Is the Most Popular N64 Game in Each State?

Posted on by Kevin Podas

We love the Nintendo 64 here at Hard Drive. Seriously, we played and reviewed every single game for the system! But more importantly than what we think: what does America think? Today we’ll take a look at what we’ve expertly determined are the most popular N64 games in each state of the US. 

Alabama: NFL Blitz

Ain’t nothin’ those down home boys of Alabama love more than a good old fashioned game of football! Except for, of course, a game of football that is absolutely not old fashioned, where the players catch on fire sometimes and you can even dropkick a motherfucker to get the ball back.

Alaska: California Speed

Video games are a great form of escapism. And really, what else do Alaskans have besides pretending that they’re driving a hot rod down the sunny coast of California?

Arizona: Mario Golf

Golf is pretty popular in Arizona, but the links there hardly compare to those of the Mushroom Kingdom. And really, wouldn’t you rather tee off with Donkey Kong instead of some rich oil tycoon?

Arkansas: Doom 64

Maybe you forgot that one of the best Doom games is on the Nintendo 64? Well, the residents of Arkansas sure didn’t. “Check it out if you get a chance!” they’ll say. They know you probably won’t, though.

California: Space Station Silicon Valley

Californians prefer this fictionally idealized version of Silicon Valley instead of the actual dystopia that currently resides in their state. Or maybe they got the two mixed up? Oh, what’s the difference.

Colorado: Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2

There hasn’t been anything to do in Colorado since the year 2000 besides smoke weed and play Tony Hawk 2 all day. But you know what? The residents of Colorado are pretty chill with that.

Connecticut: Conker’s Bad Fur Day

The crude language and potty humor of this game resonated greatly with the rough-around-the-edges citizens of Connecticut, who have also had to maneuver their way around a bad hangover or two in their time.

Delaware: Neon Genesis Evangelion 64

In a classic case of “you only want what you can’t have,” residents of Delaware love the Evangelion game for N64, which was never released stateside. Seriously, they’re huge fans! And they’re excited to play it for the first time.

Florida: Bio F.R.E.A.K.S.

I’m gonna be honest: I do NOT get what the people of Florida see in this game. It’s offensive, it’s disgusting, and quite frankly ass-backwards in its politics: the country falls, and everyone has to fight in a tournament to gain control over “Neo-Amerika”? Yeah, I don’t get it.

Georgia: Tonic Trouble

Is this game like a bargain bin Rayman or something? I don’t know, I’ve never played it. But Georgia loves Tonic Trouble, and the misadventures of the game’s protagonist: a janitor named Ed, according to the Wikipedia page!

Hawaii: Mario Party 3

Mario Party 3 was sort of like a swansong to the N64. One last hurrah, one last time to party until the roof came falling down and the big purple cube came to hog all the attention. Hawaii loves its assortment of minigames and the new implementation of the partner system, too.

Idaho: Turok

People love to hunt in Idaho, and what more dangerous game is there besides dinosaurs? And humans, of course. But this game is about hunting dinosaurs, with the clunkiest controls imaginable. Doesn’t bother Idaho, though.

Illinois: Banjo-Kazooie

I live in Illinois and I like this game. What? At least I’m honest.

Indiana: Indy Racing 2000

People from Indiana have no imagination apparently, and just like this game because of the Indy 500. Real original, guys. Maybe try expanding your interests beyond your state lines?

Iowa: Chameleon Twist

This little 3D-platformer-that-could is simply adored by citizens of Iowa. Seriously, if you go to Cedar Rapids and mention the game Chameleon Twist to someone, you’re guaranteed to make a friend or two.

Kansas: Harvest Moon 64

What do the people of Kansas love more than farming? That’s right: farming sims. Nothing better to unwind from your job than to play an idealized version of your job where you can romance your neighbors and hang out with forest spirits.

Kentucky: Bug’s Life

Weirdly enough, the citizens of Kentucky prefer the Bug’s Life video game to the Bug’s Life movie. I mean really, it kind of is one of the more forgettable entries in Pixar’s film library. Can you blame them?

Louisiana: Yoshi’s Story

The people of Louisiana sure do love their food! So the game where each level’s objective is to eat enough of food to progress, yeah that’s gonna be a big hit for them.

Maine: Goldeneye

The granddaddy of multiplayer FPS games, Goldeneye was and still is a smash hit in Maine. If you ask anyone from Maine if they’ve seen the Goldeneye movie, they’d say “wait, there’s a movie?”

Maryland: Buck Bumble

I think Maryland mostly likes this game for its boppin’ theme song and not for the actual gameplay itself. Seems like it gets radio play every other day, even. “Bum to the bum to the bum to the bass to the bum to the boom to the Bumble!”

Massachusetts: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

You can’t beat the classics, and no one knows that better than Massachusetts, whose favorite N64 game, favorite Zelda game, and favorite game of all-time period is The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time. You ever tell someone there to maybe try out Breath of the Wild? Not gonna happen, they’ve dug their heels in on this one.

Michigan: Hybrid Heaven

Is it a fighting game? Is it an RPG? Who knows! Depending on whether you’re in the upper peninsula or the lower one, you’re going to get varying answers from the people of Michigan, who love this game either way.

Minnesota: Glover

It gets cold in Minnesota, so they need to wear gloves. That’s why they like Glover. What else do you want from me?

Mississippi: Diddy Kong Racing

“Dude, it’s way better than Mario Kart, seriously.” If you go into any bar in Mississippi, you’re guaranteed to hear someone say this line, praising Diddy Kong Racing as an underappreciated masterpiece. And come on– did Mario Kart 64 have an “adventure mode”? I don’t think so!

Missouri: Pokémon Stadium

Do NOT say that Pokémon Stadium is just a glorified 3D battle simulator of the Game Boy games to anyone within Missouri state lines. They’ll quickly remind you about how “fun” the minigame selection is, like they’ve never heard of Mario Party before.

Montana: Snowboard Kids

Snowboarding’s pretty popular in Montana, apparently. So it stands to reason that they really like Snowboard Kids up there, right? Okay, that tracks, moving on.

Nebraska: Rayman 2: The Great Escape

The people of Nebraska go nuts for the N64 version of Rayman 2: The Great Escape. They just wish that there would be a new Rayman game sometime soon too, and none of that, quote, “Raving Rabbids shit.”

Nevada: Super Smash Bros.

There’s nothing that the citizens of Las Vegas love more than a high stakes prize fight, and what better prize fighters are there than the iconic characters from throughout Nintendo’s rich library of games? My money’s on Ness!

New Hampshire: Final Fantasy VII

Listen, they just wouldn’t budge on this. They insisted on a PlayStation game for this list. New Hampshire really doesn’t like the Nintendo 64, I guess! What a pity.

New Jersey: Mario Kart 64

You ever try driving on the Jersey turnpike? It’s just about as chaotic as a round of Mario Kart 64, items and all. Traffic backed up? Honda Civic riding your ass? Nothing a good old fashioned lightning bolt or blue shell couldn’t handle.

New Mexico: WWF No Mercy

Wrestling is still having a big moment these days, and the citizens of New Mexico all agree that WWF No Mercy is the greatest wrestling video game there ever was and ever will be, god damn it. A great roster, great gameplay, and great memories of an era of wrestling that has long since come and gone.

New York: Super Mario 64

New York is still holding on tight to the canon that Mario is originally from Brooklyn, so they will defend him at any cost. “Oh, the graphics haven’t held up? The controls are ‘janky’? What the fuck’s the matta’ with you, this man is an honest blue collar worker! Show him some fuckin’ respect, how have you held up after almost 30 years?”

North Carolina: Wave Race 64

People from North Carolina really love showing off their jet skis, so there’s nothing they love playing more than Wave Race 64. Matter of fact, I don’t think they’ve played anything else since this game came out. The medium kinda peaked right there for them.

North Dakota: Monopoly

Why play the board game with all those extra pieces and that easily-losable fake paper money when you could just dig your N64 out of the closet, find some AV cables, and play Monopoly on your TV? North Dakota got that much right, at least.

Ohio: Star Fox 64

Ohio is the birthplace of aviation, so naturally they love cruising around the Lylat System in Fox’s Arwing, shooting down evil space monkeys and doing barrel rolls. Maybe it’s not exactly what the Wright brothers had in mind, but Ohioans are sure they’d love Star Fox 64 if they could have lived long enough to play it.

Oklahoma: Mischief Makers

Despite the mass exodus at the time of 2D platformers to 3D platformers, Mischief Makers bucked the trend and held onto the core fundamentals of classic 2D gaming, which are traditional values that Oklahomans both believe in and respect.

Oregon: Perfect Dark

Literally anybody in Portland will tell you that Perfect Dark vastly improves on what Goldeneye laid down for the 3D FPS genre. Matter of fact, they’re a bit bitter that it doesn’t get quite the same love as Goldeneye does today. Plus, it’s not a licensed adaptation, it’s a wholesale original property! That has to count for something, right?

Pennsylvania: Paper Mario

Yeah, it’s not Super Mario RPG 2. Who cares? Certainly not the residents of Pennsylvania, who love its charming graphics, fun story, and cute characters that tie the whole adventure together nicely. Disagree with that and you might find yourself in a back alley in Philly with a beer bottle smashed over your head.

Rhode Island: Pokémon Snap

Short, sweet, and to the point, much like the state of Rhode Island itself! This innovative point-and-shoot camera game is simply beloved by nearly everyone in Rhode Island. Even though there aren’t that many people there comparatively.

South Carolina: Star Wars Episode I: Racer

Forget drag racing, absolutely nothing compares to podracing in the eyes of South Carolinans. South Carolinians? Whatever. They love the movie Phantom Menace over there, and this high speed, high stakes thrill ride still holds up for them.

South Dakota: Pilotwings 64

The citizens of South Dakota are sick of staring at Mount Rushmore, and love that you can shoot someone out of a cannon at it in Pilotwings 64. They’re also voting to change one of the presidents’ heads to that of Mario’s, they love it so much.

Tennessee: Ogre Battle 64: Person of Lordly Caliber

I tried playing this game as a kid and didn’t get it because I was too dumb, I think. But the people of Tennessee sure do get it, though. It’s the most popular game there, probably because there weren’t a lot of other RPGs on the system. And as we all know, Tennessee loves their RPGs!

Texas: Donkey Kong 64

People complain that this game is too bloated, that it’s too big– well that’s no problem for Texans, because they love it big and messy! Matter of fact, there’s nothing they love more than a big collectathon with multiple playable characters and dozens of objectives to have to complete at all times. “Oooh, banana!”

Utah: Resident Evil 2

Sure, many citizens of Utah identify as mormons, and as such they may be a little more “prudish” than most, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love a good scare every now and then. And what’s scarier than flawlessly being able to fit two PlayStation discs’ worth of content on one single Nintendo 64 cartridge?! Absolutely nothing, that’s right!

Vermont: Banjo-Tooie

How do you improve upon perfection, one might ask? Make it bigger! More stuff! More things! Collect collect collect! Yeah, maybe this didn’t land with just about everyone, but Vermont loves Banjo-Tooie even if it may have been just a little bit over-ambitious.

Virginia: Bomberman 64

This is one of the best local multiplayer games of all time, a fact that clearly hasn’t gone over the heads of the fine folks of Virginia. The single-player campaign is fun too, sure, but man who doesn’t love trapping someone with bombs at the bottom of the pyramid level? Virginia never stopped playing this game, and I can’t blame them.

Washington: The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask

It’s moody, brooding, and mysterious, much like the citizens of the sun-starved state of Washington. Don’t even say you like Ocarina of Time better unless you want to catch a real nasty look from someone.

West Virginia: Kirby 64: The Crystal Shards

A lot of people expected Kirby’s first 3D outing to happen on the Nintendo 64, but they would end up having to wait many years for that on the Nintendo Switch. Still though, the ability to combine Kirby’s power-ups sets this game apart from the pack, and West Virginia just loves that for them.

Wisconsin: Pokémon Puzzle League

What? Another Tetris Attack re-skin? No problem– the state of Wisconsin goes fucking nuts for falling puzzle block games, and when you add in the music and art of the wildly popular Pokémon anime series, that’s an absolute recipe for success. “2 B a Master… Pokémon Master!” Well, the midi version at least.

Wyoming: Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon

The state of Wyoming is a little sheltered to the outside world, as the square-shaped, landlocked state doesn’t tend to stand out from the pack. Still though, they love Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon and its far out, fantastical world. “Japan is so cool… I wish it were real!”

Move Over Columbus, the Real Life Vasco Was a Huge Asshole, Too

Posted on by Tiago Manuel

Not too long ago, I saw that video of a Starfield glitch that turned VASCO into a murderbot, ED209-style, was making the rounds. It made me wonder what people would think of VASCO if they knew the story of the man Bethesda named it after.

Luckily, the Internet at large has grown aware that the older Christopher Columbus was no good. In fact, there’s a Hollywood director named after him who prefers to go by the shorthand “Chris” (Columbus), instead. How much do you have to suck to have your legacy rejected by a guy that directed two Harry Potter movies? 

Sadly, Bethesda hasn’t seemed to pick up on the simple lesson that all “great explorers” likely sucked just as much ass as Columbus once did. Because Vasco Da Gama, the Portuguese navigator that inspired VASCO’s name in Starfield, is a “great explorer,” as well. 

Long story short, Columbus didn’t arrive at the American continent because he was wiser than his contemporaries. Columbus misread the globe and only ever got to the American continent by accident. If the American continent didn’t exist — as he thought it didn’t — he would’ve died at sea, like the dumbass that he was. Da Gama was, sadly, a much better navigator than Columbus, and managed to achieve what the former should’ve died trying to achieve — discovering and mapping a maritime route to India.

If you ever see someone from Portugal calling out your American ass by saying that slavery was bad, you should agree. Definitely do that, yeah, but then please proceed to ask what country the Americans were buying all those slaves from. Yeah, Da Gama pretty much pioneered the Atlantic slave trade.

So, if you say “but Tiago, EvEryBodY PrAcTicEd SlaVeRy BaCk In tHe DaY! ThOse WeRe JuSt DifFeRenT TiMeS!” the answer is no, they only did it because Da Gama made it mainstream. It’s like saying that hamburgers were everywhere before the invention of McDonald’s — if fast food were also a terrible dredge upon humankind.

My advice for creators is that you don’t just name things after historical figures or groups of great importance that you’ve conducted no research on. I’ll give you that Da Gama was a mysterious figure, yes, but the little documented history of him that exists provides more than enough to conclude he shouldn’t be glorified and immortalized in the form of a likeable, memorable and memeable robot.

Google is right there. Use it and you’ll prevent mistakes similar to this or to BioWare’s when they named Dragon Age 3 after the Inquisition, one of the most infamously vile organizations in history. (On a funnier note, Google would also have prevented the makers of that Russel Crowe exorcist movie for mistaking Dragon Age’s Inquisition symbol for the real Inquisition symbol.)

But I digress. The reason why exploring and colonizing in Starfield rocks is because these planets aren’t already inhabited. The events of Starfield draw no parallel to those of human history, and that’s great. “Exploring” is way less cool when you do it the original way, which is by arriving at an already discovered and inhabited place, and proceeding to pillage, rape, and enslave everyone.

Da Gama wasn’t even simply an innocent explorer or unwitting businessman who accidentally kickstarted something that would later turn out bad. He indulged in his monstrosity. At some point during one of his travels, he came across a Muslim pilgrim ship filled with over four hundred men, women, and children. He locked everyone inside and burned them alive throughout four days except for a few children that he saw fit to forcefully convert into Christianity.

Once again, we don’t know all that much about Da Gama’s life, but we do know about that horrifying incident. Why? The result of an old-timey leak by a disgruntled employee? Nope. We know exactly as much about Da Gama’s life as he wanted us to, and that is one of the few things he wanted us to be aware of. He committed and publicized the mass infanticide to get the message across that the Portuguese empire was not to be messed with. The move paid off. There are no further recorded instances of kids ever messing with Da Gama again, and that’s probably why the Portuguese empire still rules the world with its top of the line ships and military drones.

Now, imagine that while in one of your space travels in Starfield, you come across a pilgrim vessel and VASCO asks you to speak privately. He then goes “hey, why don’t we just blow up this ship with everyone on board except from a few kids that we’ll forcefully convert to House Va’ruun?” We’ll get to watch the ones who don’t immediately die from the explosion slowly suffocate as they drift away in space. It’s gonna be great, like the intro of Mass Effect 2!

Not even Knights of the Old Republic‘s happy-go-murder-y HK-47 would attempt that kind of shit. Starfield’s VASCO likely wouldn’t, either, but good luck removing the fear that you’ll one day come across that scenario knowing what you know now.

‘The NeverEnding Story’ Somehow Not a Manga

Posted on by Corey Arbor

DALY CITY, Calif. — Self-described otaku Frank Nelson, otherwise known as Nelson-senpai, was shocked to discover that the manga he thought he’d slavishly devote the next year of his fandom to, The NeverEnding Story, turned out to be some gaijin boomer movie from the ’80s with an actual ending.

“It’s not that I expected something as expansive as One Piece or JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, I’m not an idiot,” stated Nelson. “But when I pick up something that purports to be some manner of ‘story that will never reach a conclusion and therefore never be able to disappoint you,’ I buy it and expect to see a menagerie of needlessly sexy women of vastly different, often inappropriate ages, and males so dull that I can easily project myself onto them, to live out my ever more bizarre and unlikely fantasy life!”

Nelson, who has never ventured outside of the state he was born in, continued pontificating on the virtues of a bottomless well with no resolution.

“I mean seriously, it was going so well!” said Nelson. “I didn’t realize how influential isekais were on America in the ‘80s, but this had it all: a boring nothing character for me to inhabit, a child who’s actually an ageless empress so it’s not weird, lasers, a furry moon dragon, and random character deaths. It had everything I loved and then… it just stopped?! And I’m supposed to move on to something else?! I think not, my friends, and I’m in the know on this. I get the Japanese mentality!”

Nelson’s friend, Yuki Saito, clarified her friend’s arrested approach towards media.

“‘Friend’ is a strong word,” Saito emphasized before continuing. “I just think that when his father left, Nelson became obsessed with things never ending and started to see all endings as inherently poisonous and toxic. I dunno, we went on one date and he wouldn’t shut up about ‘my people’s heritage,’ but like… dude, I’m from Bakersfield. My people’s heritage isn’t cartoons that serve to fulfill your weird power fantasies, it’s meth and staph-infected rest stops off the 5.”

At press time, Nelson-senpai was eagerly eyeing the direct-to-video sequels to The NeverEnding Story and wondering if they kept it pure.

Scientists Confirm There is No Way To Prevent Ragdoll Physics After Death

Posted on by Andrew Muller

ATLANTA — A new study from the CDC confirms that collapsing into a pile of physics objects and loose limbs is unavoidable after death, sources have confirmed. 

“We started our studies by looking at the corpses of rats, and when they’re dead we’re able to just throw them around wherever, we even managed to push one into a trash can,” recalled lead researcher Stephanie Colifare. “We tried everything to prevent this, but even after pacifist takedowns people and rats are still ragdolling. There’s just no way around it.”

In the wake of the news, some people have been coming to their local religious centers for a sense of comfort.

“It doesn’t matter if your soul is in the afterlife or not, that body of yours is going to flop around for eternity” Said Reverend Michaels of Elevate Bridgeport Church in Atlanta. “I heard that in the Vatican they have all the old popes in a basement because they don’t despawn.”

Scientists have been approved to start research trials into prevention of ragdoll corpses collapsing into funny poses.

“I was holding my grandmother’s hand when she passed away and when she finally crossed over that bridge she fully clipped through her death bed,” said a grieving man wiping away tears. “I just hope she’s at peace now.”

As of press time, an addendum to the report added that yes, the ragdoll corpses always keep their eyes open like that.

Fucking Weirdo Starts With Final Fantasy 1

Posted on by Gabe Porter

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — Local freak Ted Neal has confirmed he will start playing the popular JRPG series Final Fantasy with, surprisingly, the first entry, sources have confirmed. 

“It just seemed like the logical thing to do,” said the obviously maladapted Neal. ‘When you want to start something, you gotta start at the beginning. Sure, I could have picked a more modern or fun entry, but then I wouldn’t be able to lord the fact I played every single one over people’s heads. I’ve also heard these games are complex and convoluted. So I’ll make the slog through game after game just to make sure I understand all the lore about crystals and cute boys. Sure, the lore gets reset every game, but at least I’ll catch the small Easter eggs you didn’t! It’ll be a long journey, by my calculations I should be at Final Fantasy X by 2030, but I know at the end I’ll be rewarded for my hard work in ensuring I’m tired of this series by the fourth one.”

Those familiar with the series are questioning Neal’s choices

“This is absolutely insane,” Final Fantasy fanatic Terry Howard said in response. “Who picks the first Final Fantasy to play first? It’s like playing Donkey Kong to get ready for Super Mario Wonder. This guy should have definitely picked VII, which I know to be the objective correct choice since it’s the one I played first. Anyway, why would he even want to play the absolute worst entry? Well besides III. And XIII sucks too. XI and XIV are MMOs so it doesn’t really count. X is cringy. XVI is barely even Final Fantasy. Honestly, he should just play VII, and not the remake either!”

Series creator Hironobu Sakaguchi was shocked someone planned on playing his original game.

“Wait, really? He’s gonna choose that one to start?” questioned the game development icon, barely looking up from his game of Final Fantasy XIV. “Like, he does realize you can play almost any entry on basically whatever console you want? I know that’s the one that’s started it and I should probably be happy people still care about it. But seriously, you could’ve just played Final Fantasy XIV. We all know it’s better and it even has an expanded free trial which lets you play through the entirety of A Realm Reborn and the award-winning Heavensward expansion up to level 60 for free with no restrictions on playtime!”

At press time, Neal has dropped Final Fantasy I after finding it too boring, and has decided to start Dragon Quest I instead.