Guy No One Misses Apologizes for Lack of Posts

Posted on by Matt Shore

SEACAUCUS, N.J. — Account Specialist Brian Kelly, 37, a guy who consistently fails to make a lasting impression on friends, co-workers, and family members, posted on his Twitter account yesterday, apologizing to the uncaring masses about his lack of recent posts.

“Sorry about the lack of updates recently,” said Kelly’s post . “Things have just been really hectic (sigh). Hope I can stay more consistent with my content in the future. 🙂”

Readers of Kelly’s tweet were baffled by the sentiment, many of them immediately checking their Twi- oh. I mean, X, I guess, settings to find out why they see twe- uh, posts, from someone they don’t follow.

“I don’t know who this fucker is,” said Kelly’s cousin, Connor Donnelly, 35, “or why he thinks I’m interested in his ambiguous wishy-washy bullshit. Is he sighing or smiling? Pick a lane, dick.”

Some social media users provided Kelly with ‘likes’ out of pity, hoping that more popular users would see their charity and reward them with objectively meaningless social clout in return. Unfortunately, Kelly misinterpreted this behavior as whole-hearted endorsement of his contributions online.

“Wow, two likes?!” Kelly shouted to his empty apartment. “I’ve doubled my fanbase. I need to start producing more content now, before this wildfire peters out. I knew I would come out of this posting hiatus a better creator. I’m in my groove now!”

As of press time there is no indication of what, if any, content Kelly produces.

We Were Gonna Write a Sssniperwolf Article but I Just Got a Picture of My House in a Mysterious DM

Posted on by Parker Johnson

As you all likely know, Hard Drive is the last bastion of real, hard-hitting game journalism. And if you know anything about journalism, you know that we need to cover drama to garner as many clicks as possible. As such, you might be wondering where our article about the big recent YouTube drama between jacksfilms and sssniperwolf is.

I regret to inform you, dear reader, that despite having a great article in our classic Hard Drive style with quotes from both YouTubers and everything, we’ve had to cancel this article. We try to be courageous and fearless in our reporting, including being the only outlet to report on the cancelled Super Waluigi Odyssey, but we’ve had to hold back on this one. This is due to an “anonymous” DM I just received on my Twitter account showing me an image of my own home with text reading “call it off.”

Now, I would hate to point fingers without evidence, but one person you’re writing a story about has a history of publishing photos of the homes of folks making fun of them, it’s hard for there not to be a few pointed fingers and raised eyebrows.

There remains quite a few questions about this incident. How did she know I was writing an article about her drama? Is there a mole in the Hard Drive pitch channel? Is she herself in her pitch channel, pretending to be someone else with an anonymous profile picture? How the hell did she even get to Iowa to take a photo of my home? I don’t have any questions for these answers, and I quite honestly doubt that I ever will.

Just know that all you Hard Drive readers were robbed of what could have been a great article. Now we’ll never get to publish anything about this whole situation.

25 ‘Seinfeld’ Characters and Their Favorite Video Games

Posted on by Kevin Podas

Despite being one of the greatest television shows of all time, it can be hard to go back and watch Seinfeld sometimes without wondering what kind of games everyone would enjoy playing. Tragically, the writers left this concern on the cutting room floor, choosing not to develop them in this way. But today we’ll be righting those wrongs, by going over 25 Seinfeld characters and their favorite video games to play.

Babu Bhatt: Cooking Mama

Babu’s love of hospitality and world cuisine made him an easy mark for Cooking Mama on the Nintendo DS. He only wants to please people and feed them delicious food, just like the titular Cooking Mama herself.

David Puddy: Mario Kart 64

“Ya can’t beat the classics.” Bet you read that in his voice, huh? Well that’s Puddy’s motto when it comes to Mario Kart, his favorite video game series. Elaine tries to get into it for him, but then he breaks up with her, saying he “doesn’t want to date a gamer girl.” “But we finally have something in common now!”

Elaine Benes: Dance Dance Revolution

Good god, somebody please take this game away from her. You’d think after enough failing scores she’d give up, but nope, she’s still at it. Lord help you if you’re out at an arcade with her and she spots a DDR machine. Just stand around until she’s done and pretend like you don’t know her.

Estelle Costanza: Wii Sports (Tennis)

George bought his parents a Wii just to get them out of his hair, but it backfired completely when his mom hurt her elbow playing against him. Now all she does is blame George for her misfortunes– all of them, not just the tennis elbow.

Frank Costanza: Wii Sports (Bowling)

Billiards is more of his game, but when his pool table finally broke, Frank became simply obsessed with Wii Sports bowling after George got it for his parents as a gift to keep them preoccupied. He’s extremely competitive, and won’t stop playing until he wins.

George Costanza: Dragon Quest III

George doesn’t let it be known to many that he has refined, exquisite taste in gaming outside of Frogger. In particular, he’s quite fond of Dragon Quest, especially the third entry, citing it as the point where the series really came into its own. He’s kind of neurotic about only playing it on a CRT, and the same goes for any retro games in his catalogue.

George Steinbrenner: MLB: The Show

We never see his face, and only ever hear his voice (which sounds awfully familiar for some reason), but George Steinbrenner absolutely loves MLB: The Show. You can really do a lot of stuff in these games, and given the fact that Steinbrenner doesn’t do much at his job that he doesn’t delegate to lower employees, this game gives him that feel of calling the shots and being respected.

Helen Seinfeld: Cookie Clicker

Jerry’s mom, Helen Seinfeld, really just enjoys anything to mindlessly play while also browsing facebook on her home computer. Yes, I know it’s weird to think about facebook in terms of Seinfeld, but come on there’s a whole twitter account dedicated to modern Seinfeld premises.

J. Peterman: Style Savvy

This eccentric fashion connoisseur is always looking for new inspiration for clothing to sell, and has found no better source than Style Savvy on the Nintendo DS. Peterman loves holding the system sideways like a book and using the stylus to select fun outfits for the characters to wear.

Jackie Chiles: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney

Jackie Chiles is an over-the-top lawyer who loves the Ace Attorney video game series. The games are larger than life, much like himself, and there’s no case he can’t win. He’s determined to take down Edgeworth at every chance he gets, especially if there’s a hot coffee case.

Jerry Seinfeld: Sonic the Hedgehog

Eagle-eyed fans will notice that Jerry has been a gamer all along. Several different games can be found on the bookshelf in his apartment: Sim City, Kid Icarus, Tetris for NES, and more. But nothing compares to Jerry’s one true gaming love: Sonic the Hedgehog for the Sega Genesis. Jerry loves Sonic’s quick wit and attitude, and claims he could even beat Sonic in a footrace if he were real. Just the classics for Jerry, though– as soon as Sonic went 3D, it was like the masturbation contest all over again: “I’m out.”

Kenny Bania: Sonic the Hedgehog (2006)

“Hey Jerry, I heard you liked Sonic, so I got the game on Xbox! It’s pretty great!” Bania only got into Sonic just because Jerry likes it, and of course he picks Sonic 06 to start with. If fans didn’t think the series jumped the shark by this point, they definitely did now. Bania has horrible taste though, so he doesn’t even notice. Jerry just wishes he would stop calling him to update him on his progress. “Jerry, I just got to the Iblis Trigger. This is gold!”

Joe Davola: Manhunt

These games had a lot of controversy surrounding them, and looking back on it, yeah that kinda makes sense. It’s only natural that someone as disturbed as “Crazy” Joe Davola would gravitate towards them. Nobody tell him about the sequel on Wii where you can strangle someone to death with a remote and nunchuk.

Kramer: LSD: Dream Emulator

Here’s my spec script idea for a Kramer B-plot: Kramer is gifted a box of mysterious Japanese PS1 import games by his friend Bob Sacamano, and becomes enthralled by one in particular: LSD: Dream Emulator. He stops leaving his apartment, and begins to act strangely around everyone in the building. After isolating himself for weeks on end, he’s forced to throw his PlayStation away to rid him of what he calls the “curse,” only to immediately return back to normal. “That game did things to me, Jerry! Unspeakable things!”

Lloyd Braun: Final Fantasy VII

George’s childhood rival, Lloyd Braun, is more successful than him in nearly every possible way. So of course they would butt heads on what they consider to be the quintessential JRPG. Lloyd insists that it’s Final Fantasy VII, even though George secretly thinks Lloyd’s tastes are too broad and mainstream. The rivalry is once again ignited when remakes of both Final Fantasy VII and Dragon Quest III are announced.

Mickey Abbott: Some Newgrounds dating sim

Mickey has spent a lot of time playing Newgrounds dating sims, and cites it as a big reason for why he is “so good with the ladies.” Some say his love for dating sims even inspired Kramer to start his own!

Morty Seinfeld: Tetris

Morty’s retired, and doesn’t want to deal with anything too challenging, difficult, or annoying. Tetris suits him just fine, until “the pieces are moving too damn fast!” Besides, it’s something to play on the toilet to kill some time, anyway.

Mr. Pitt: Chess.com

In his downtime, Mr. Pitt loves matching wits with strangers by playing random matches against people on chess.com. Of course while no one is ever good enough for him, he continues on hoping to one day find a formidable opponent.

Mr. Wilhelm: Papers, Please

George’s former supervisor Mr. Wilhelm loves Papers, Please. The organizational elements of the game remind him of the busy work of his own job, which he considers himself to be quite good at until he isn’t anymore. 

Newman: Postal

A little on-the-nose, sure, but Newman loves a lot of FPS games. Postal just happens to be his favorite, for whatever reason.

Russell Dalrymple: L.A. Noire

Not only does Russell work in the entertainment industry and take frequent trips to Los Angeles, but he’s incredibly good at reading people, and always seems to know when somebody is lying or extending the truth. Naturally these skills carried over easily into L.A. Noire. If only he could hold down his job that well at NBC.

Soup Nazi: Dark Souls II

Don’t even THINK about telling him that Dark Souls II sucks, or that it’s the worst one in the series. He’s very protective of it, and will systematically tear you apart if you speak ill of it. “NO SOULS FOR YOU!”

Susan Ross: Rollercoaster Tycoon

George’s on again, off again, and then very off again romantic interest Susan Ross goes nuts for Rollercoaster Tycoon, and the Tycoon games in general. Her business savvy skills come in handy to keep a park’s profits purely in the green. She knows exactly how many hot dog stands, bathrooms, and mascots to include for a perfect run. It’s too bad her life became an actual rollercoaster after meeting George and his friends.

Tim Whatley: Leisure Suit Larry

You ever look at the Leisure Suit Larry games and wonder “who even plays these?” Well this sleazebag dentist sure does, and he’s even sourced a couple of pickup lines from Larry himself. Jerry called him out on it once, but Tim outright denied it. Jerry’s still determined to prove him wrong though.

Uncle Leo: Anything free or on sale

“Jerry, did you see what your cousin Jeffrey bought me in the Steam sale?” Never one to pass up a good deal, Leo brags about the fact that he’s never bought a game at full price in his entire life. Nobody believes him of course, but you better believe he didn’t buy Tears of the Kingdom at 70 dollars. “70 dollars, Jerry! That’s what they’re asking for for the new Zelda! Can you believe it, Jerry?” “I know, Uncle Leo, I know.”

How To Drive Your Man Crazy in Bed by Misquoting “The Big Lebowski”

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

You’ve tried answering the door wearing only a Drive jacket, dressing as a nurse (specifically, Heath Ledger’s Joker in a nurse uniform), and food-play with the bento box from My Neighbor Totoro, but things are getting stale? Try this new type of role-play—misquoting the Coen Brothers’ 1998 crime-comedy The Big Lebowski.

Please note, this is not exclusive to heteronormative relationships, if you want to achieve the same results with an LGBTQIA+ partner, simply substitute a more appropriate motion picture, ie. ‘Hocus Pocus,’ ‘Mean Girls,’ or ‘Gold Diggers: The Secret of Bear Mountain.’

Why It Works

Experts discovered that when an attractive partner broaches a protected topic, the combination of gatekeeping instincts with physical arousal creates a physiological response known as the “Um, Actually Effect.”

“Men love to claim a piece of pop culture as their own and will simultaneously protect, it but are dying to share their knowledge with those they deem worthy” said Dr. Michelle Felberbaum, Sociology Professor at the University of Virginia. “Enjoying the ‘right’ things in the ‘wrong’ way indicates a flaw that these men can correct with their cultivated takes.”

It was also confirmed that the desire to explain the proper way to enjoy things releases both endorphins and testosterone. 

Preparation

Watch the movie. Alone. This won’t work if you watch it with your partner watching you and pausing to explain the references and why they are funny. That’s it for preparation! 

The Set Up

Seduction starts hours before the act, so when you’re ready to rock his framed Akira posters off the wall and the Scott Pilgrim Funko Pops off the shelf, plan an evening starting with the latest A24 slow burn drama-horror and going out to a hole-in-the-wall international cuisine spot he mentioned discovering. 

During dinner, get his juices flowing by asking him to name his top three cinematographers and his favorite fan theories about Blade Runner, but be sure to mention a craving for a White Russian. 

Execution

After an evening of dinner, drinks, and regurgitated Red Letter Media takes, he will be in the mood. Misquoting Lebowski  is a delicate dance: the key is to titillate, not aggravate. Couch the quotes in observation and seduction.

First notice the state of the flooring, since the movie’s inciting incident involves a rug, so drop the line “That carpet really ties the room together,” which displays wit, while just slightly off from the real quote.   When you get to the bedroom, ask if you’d like him to remove some clothes and say, “The Dude agrees” while disrobing. If he corrects you with, “It’s the Dude abides,” just bite your lip and nod. Then put on some solo John Fogerty and get to business. 

Depending on the intensity, now’s the time to drop in a few Walter Sobchak lines: “Shut the fuck up, Danny!”, “Forget it, Danny, you’re not in your element!” and “This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the Alps!”

Once you’re finished, be sure to look him in the eyes and say ‘”Nobody can fuck with Jesus.” Congratulations, the job is done. 

Tips

  • To keep them on their toes, throw in a perfect recitation of the line, “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just like… uh… your opinion, man.”
  • Make it your own: break out slightly inaccurate costumes, off-brand props, or anachronistic music.
  • Don’t be afraid to switch it up by misquoting Barstool Sports, Into the Wild, or Bernie Sanders.

BREAKING: Attractive Celebrity Likes Same Loser Hobby You Like

Posted on by Kevin Podas

HOLLYWOOD — In a shocking twist of events, it was revealed that a celebrity who is considered conventionally attractive has unconventional hobbies, that being the same type of nerd shit that you like.

“Oh my god, Henry Cavill also likes Warhammer?! Now my hobby is completely validated,” read a tweet by MarineBoss606. “Before I was ashamed to tell anybody that I liked Warhammer and that I even played it competitively. But now that someone as conventionally attractive as Henry Cavill has come out as a tried and true fan, I’m going to make it everybody’s business!”

Other dorks and losers were not quite as taken by the news.

“How is this a big deal?” read a reply from Nobody_Man. “Celebrities have liked loser shit like us for years, just look at Robin Williams– he loved Neon Genesis Evangelion and named his daughter after a video game character for crying out loud. Just play with your little toys and don’t worry about whether or not someone who looks like they were chiseled from a marble statue also enjoys them.”

Actress Margot Robbie later came forward to reveal that she too has hobbies traditionally associated with the meek and nerdy in spite of her traditionally attractive appearance.

“It’s true, I like all kinds of stuff like cartoons, tabletop games, trading card games, you name it,” explained Robbie. “It’s too bad that I’m married, though. I’d really love to meet a man who’s also into the same kind of loser stuff that I am. Is there even anyone out there like that..?”

At press time, millions of nerds and losers worldwide were shocked to learn how much they also had in common with Osama Bin Laden after dozens of anime, video games, and more were found on his hard drive.

Get Excited ‘Assassin’s Creed’ Fans: They Made a New One

Posted on by Alex McMillan

Assassin’s Creed fans, it’s time to get excited! Our sources have confirmed that a new instalment of the beloved stealth franchise was released last week! 

“It’s been tough keeping this under wraps but finally the secret is out!” said Ubisoft spokesperson Niall McQuillan in an interview with a different media outlet several months ago. “Mirage is the next game in the Assassin’s Creed franchise and we can’t wait to tell you more.”

Wow! For fans of Ezio and the gang, this really is the best news they could hope for. It’s been eight long years since the last four Assassin’s Creed games released, so the Creed-heads have been restlessly waiting to find out what’s been happening to Desmond or Altair or whoever you play as in those games.

“Yeah…I’ve played Mirage, I’m literally playing it right now” said Assassin’s Creed fanatic Luke Firby, having paused his Assassin’s Creed Mirage stream to talk to us. “Why are you asking me if I’m excited for it? Did you forget to write the preview or something?”

But it’s not just Mr. Firby who was thrilled to find out about the good news! For those people who get their gaming news from the pre-owned shelves in GameStop, the excitement has reached fever pitch.

“Oh sweet, they’re making a new Assassin’s Creed game?” said GameStop shopper Tracey Hudson, whilst buying an old copy of Shadow of Mordor for $10. “That’s so cool, I’ll keep an eye out for it! Is it coming to 360?”

Assassin’s Creed Mirage releases on October 5th on Xbox and PlayStation platforms, but fear not Nintendo fans! We have some news about Super Mario coming soon that may surprise you!

U2 Rent Out Sphere for Another Night to Play ‘Super Smash Bros.’ On It

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

LAS VEGAS — In the midst of playing multiple nights of sold-out shows at Las Vegas’ infamous Sphere venue, the band U2 took time today to hook up Super Smash Bros. on the high-def LED video screen covering the entire shell of the building.

“When we heard about the screens in Sphere, we knew we had to get involved,” explained Bono, U2’s frontman and an Olimar main. “Cutting-edge technology is important and always has been ever since Zoo TV, when we played Sonic the Hedgehog on those massive screens. We’ve been working shows for years at various venues, but this place is special. Nowhere else can you have the entirety of Hyrule Castle wrap around your head as you meteor-smash Larry right off the stage.”

Other members of the band agreed that Sphere is an extraordinary venue for performing at and playing Super Smash Bros.

“We’ve been very impressed so far with everything at Sphere” claimed guitar virtuoso and Snake-user The Edge. “Normally we only spend a few hours before and after a show dealing with the arena, and let tech guys work on the rest. Here, they’ve worked with us to make a truly immersive and spectacular show for the downtime while we’re not repeatedly hitting Larry with Poké Balls.”

Larry Mullen Jr., the band’s resident Donkey Kong player, hopes fans enjoy what they see.

“It’s a great feeling to play for the big crowds like we have, but we didn’t expect any of this,” explained Mullen. “The concerts were just an excuse to see if it’s possible to see all of Hyrule Temple at once on this big-ass screen, and we can; it’s breathtaking.”

At press time, Post Malone was in contact with Sphere in the hopes of running a series of shows so he can stream Magic: The Gathering Arena on the venue’s enormous screens.

Oh?

Posted on by Alec Walker

No fucking way. I went onto my original save file of Pokémon Diamond to look around since only nostalgia has the power to make me feel joy anymore, and found this egg that’s been sitting in my PC since November of 2008. I have no idea what this thing could be. Is it just the Happiny egg you get for free? Is it a starter I used an Action Replay to cheat in that will corrupt the shit out of my game? Either way, I’m excited to be disappointed. Time to ride my bike up and down for like 12 minutes while I doom-scroll. See you guys in a bit.

Update: Oh my God guys, it’s finally happening. I looked back at my game after scrolling for what I thought was a few minutes, but turned out to be several days, and the egg is hatching. “Oh?” is the sweetest phrase in Pokémon, aside from maybe “Giygogagohgwooh!”, so this is a pretty big deal. Anyone wanna take bets? Personally, I think it’ll be a Jynx, because as a child I was also very confused about my gender identity.

I’m kinda nervous, though. What if my child-self left it an egg on purpose? Am I being a dick to myself? No, no, he would’ve wanted this for me. Or, he does want this for me, he’s not dead. I’m him, and I’m very much alive, especially at this exact moment. I can’t wait to hatch this and then immediately put it back in the PC, never to open this save file again, which is the Pokémon equivalent of locking a newborn in a closet, turning off the lights, and then moving to Canada. It’s not that I don’t love this Pokémon, it’s just that I wanna have fun in my twenties, not take care of a Pokemon with dogshit IVs.

Anyway, it’s time. Okay. I’m gonna press A, let’s see what this sucker is!!! Come onnnnn, please be Jynx, please be Jynx, please be Jynx, please be Jynx… Oh goddamn it, it’s Ahnold. 

I knew this egg was old, but I didn’t know it was 2006-YouTube-parody old. Well, that wasn’t worth it. Time to go play the new Pokémon games which look and feel worse than this one that’s 17 years old.

“How’d You Know I Live by a Train Yard?” Our Interview with Ryan Gosling

Posted on by Sean Mullee

From Drive to Blade Runner 2049, Ryan Gosling has been the envy of socially awkward guys for over a decade. We spoke to the actor to learn more about life, his recent work, and what we can do to be more like him.

 Hey Ryan, great to meet you! Do you mind if we scoot closer to you on the seat here?

I’d prefer it if you didn’t.

You started acting at a young age on The Mickey Mouse Club, do you still keep in touch with any of the other future celebrities from the show?

Me and Donald Duck still meet up for drinks a few times a year to discuss philosophy.

Did you ever get to meet R.L. Stine while filming your Goosebumps episode?

Yes, he let me touch his mole.

What’s your greatest fear?

Missing one of the Gosling family’s famous fried spider dinners!

You learned to play piano and tap dance for La La Land, have you picked up any other skills from your past projects?

I now know how to drive.

Have you kept any cool props from movie sets you’ve worked on?

They let me keep the $47 million bonus from credit default swap sales my character made in The Big Short.

What are some of our favorite movies?

I’m sorry, “our?”

Is there ever gonna be a Nice Guys sequel?

If it will get you people to stop asking about it.

How was working with Harrison Ford on Blade Runner 2049?

He’s a legend, on and off of set. I loved running lines with him before shoots and he loved running plots to kill George Lucas by me.

How did you prepare for your role in Barbie?

I sealed myself in a plastic box among the aisles of Target until I was purchased.

How much of the Ken character came from your own personality?

The giant lightning car is my daily driver.

What’s Margot Robbie like?

Australian.

Do you have any good anecdotes from the Barbie set?

Michael Cera ate my BLT from the breakroom fridge. He tried to play it off like it was a mistake but my lunchbag has my initials monogrammed on it so I know he was just trying to get under my skin.

Your song “I’m Just Ken” also charted on the Billboard Hot 100, did you expect the song to resonate with so many people?

No, not at all. But then again I thought a bunch of songs about ghosts, ghouls, and werewolves would make me a rockstar, just shows what I know about music.

It was just announced that you and Margot Robbie are involved in an Oceans 11 prequel, anything you can tell us about the project?

Margot and I will be playing professional criminals breaking into a high security bank to steal the pens they have chained to the desk.

Do you wanna hang out sometime? Give us your number and we can go to that train yard by your house and throw rocks at the cars or whatever the cool guys do.

How’d you know I live by a train yard? This is making me uncomfortable.

If you weren’t a famous actor, what do you think you’d do instead?

Love. Passionately.

Ever have any crazy fan experiences?

I think I’m having one right now.

Do you have any advice for all the young actors out there who look up to you?

Just be yourself!

And do you have any advice for all the grown men out there who look up to you?

Just be yourself!