Porn Parody ‘Girls Done Quick’ Not Particularly Popular

Posted on February 1, 2021November 18, 2025 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — Girls Done Quick, a new livestreamed porn parody of the hit video game convention Games Done Quick in which pornstars “speedrun” having sex with their partners, has bombed with its prospective audience of horny gamers.

“As with most of our parodies, we thought of the title first and just rolled with it. Turns out, that was a pretty big mistake — people are not looking for porn in which we have the quickest orgasms possible,” explained Minecraft-based speedrunning pornstar, Cream. “Even though market research shows that there’s a huge crossover between video game speedrun fans and jerking off fans, you can’t combine em! “

“Overwatch? You’re good to go. Fortnite? You bet people will jerk off to that. League of Legends? Some of the most popular porn on the entire internet,” he added. “Cum on Tits Any% WR – 0:00:02… not particularly liked! Lesson learned.”

According to those familiar with the situation, the speedrunning premise was not the only issue with the event.

“Today I learned! Porn doesn’t need commentators!” said Super Mario Odyssey-based speedrunning pornstar BigAssAnt. “I definitely think it weirded people out to have someone commentating over the fucking, explaining the specific strats that the pornstars were using in order to orgasm as quickly as possible. We thought for sure that people would be interested. The general public doesn’t know things like step-sister-skip, which lets you bypass the need for background information intimacy, and glitch immediately into fu— oh shit, I’m doing it again. Sorry. What we learned was that pretty much every second of the event was, uh, ‘a good time to go through some donations.’”

At press time, fans became furious after discovering that the money they begrudgingly donated to the event was not even sent to Doctors Without Borders, like Games Done Quick, but was instead sent to the porn event’s parent company, Doctors With Boners: Sex Doctors.

“One More Run” Says Gamer Getting Married a Fourth Time

Posted on January 31, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local gamer Marcus Fuller has reportedly begun his fourth marriage, saying “just one more run” at the altar to his bride, Theresa Sparks.

“I love roguelikes so much, I’ve started to adapt the ideology into my real life,” explained Fuller. “I guess it’s only a roguelite because I lose exactly half of my items after each run, but I always feel energized to jump right back into the next partner. The cool thing about getting married is that your skills carry over to each one, but there’s so many strategies and personality types that no one run feels exactly the same. I think this is the one, though. I really think I’m going to make it to the end and not part until death.”

According to those familiar with the situation, Fuller’s bride Theresa does not mind his willingness to keep beginning new relationships.

“I guess you could say I knew what I was getting into when I decided to date a gamer in the first place. Most people wouldn’t do that at all,” explained Sparks at a support group for spouses of gamers. “I’m just in love with the passion of someone who’s always willing to start again from nothing — and trust me, I will leave him with exactly nothing if he fucks this up. Plus, I think it flatters me that he thinks of me as some sort of game, but hey, I guess that’s why I’m here at a support group for spouses of gamers.”

Despite support from friends and family, the priest who married Fuller and Sparks reportedly felt uncomfortable with the situation once he learned more about it.

“There’s nothing wrong with falling in and out love, but I didn’t quite appreciate that he said he chose me to marry him ‘this time around’ because I’m Lutheran, explaining that he wanted to try a ‘new build,’” said Stephen James. “That being said… using his strange terminology, I understand why his first few marriages didn’t work out, if he was using Catholic priests. That build is trash and the perks are mostly shame-based, which are completely useless low-tier nonsense.”

At press time, Fuller had mulliganned the run after getting an unlucky start, accidentally acquiring a dog with really low charm and cuteness stats.

Like this article? Check out our merch store!

Financially Savvy Gamer Inks Six Figure Deal

Posted on January 30, 2021 by Kevin Flynn

NEW YORK — Local gamer and financial wizard Thomas Kleinman impressed his friends and family with the news that he had inked a deal worth six figures, astounded sources confirmed.

“I just got off the phone with my contact at GameStop and confirmed that the figures are being shipped to my door as we speak,” said Kleinman, proudly leaning back in his chair and contemplating the specifics of the deal. “I’m very relieved that I was able to close so quickly. The market has been incredibly hot lately, what with the recent Pro Day sale and everything. But the funds have cleared from my checking account so now it’s all but official. This calls for a champagne toast!”

Kleinman’s parents were enthusiastic at the news, but this eventually gave way to wariness and suspicion as more details were revealed to them.

“At first I was getting choked up thinking my baby boy had done well enough for himself to buy a property where he could start his own family,” said Betsy Kleinman, Thomas’s mother. “But then he started telling me about how the figures are going to be worth a lot in the future because they were all from the same [Star Wars saga] and I realized that I’ll probably never have grandchildren at all. Thomas’s father hasn’t said a word all afternoon.”

At press time, Kleinman was getting on the phone with his accountant to confirm whether his acquisition might impact his taxes.

Like this article? Check out our merch store!

Man With Steam Library of 2,000 Games Survives Apocalypse, Steps on Graphics Card

Posted on January 29, 2021 by Kevin Grant

LAS VEGAS — Local gamer Aaron Byrne ascended from his homemade backyard bunker sobbing today, lamenting the loss of the one piece of hardware that could have made life after the bombs bearable: his Nvidia GeForce RTX 3080.

“It’s not fair,” he said, stifling a sob. “These should have been the best days of my life, you know? I should have finally had enough time to kick back, relax, and really dig into that backlog. You know, I have games in my library that I’ve never even heard of? This was supposed to be my big break.”

The incident itself happened early last week as the first of the bombs began to fall. On hearing the explosions, Byrne grabbed a pre-prepared bag filled with the essentials: four tins of G FUEL powder concentrate, a box of Totinos pizza rolls, and a large diet Coke. It was then that disaster struck.

“I was running to my computer room when it happened,” whined Byrne. “The card had just arrived yesterday and it was sitting in its box, ready to be installed. And then I just… I just… crushed it. Stomped on it by accident. The pieces went flying everywhere and… it was just awful.”

When asked about his plan for surviving in a world taken over by packs of cannibal raiders, Byrne was disconsolate.

“I dunno, man, what’s even the point?” he said with a shrug, loading another slug into the break-action shotgun. “I suppose I’ve got a gaming laptop, but that that thing can barely run Destiny 2 at max settings. It’s awful. Forty FPS at max anti-alias. It’s not fair. There was finally time, now.”

At press time, Byrne waved a forlorn goodbye and tearfully reduced Minecraft’s render draw distance from very far to far.

Wondering what a video game version of The Twilight Zone would be like?

Check out The Brainplay Loop:

Stupid Mobile Game Costs Hedge Fund Manager $1 Billion

Posted on January 28, 2021 by Andy Holt

NEW YORK — Hedge fund manager Tweed Newtshire lost over $1 billion this week, all because of a dumb mobile game for casuals.

“Gaming the market used to mean something, you know? It was a subculture. You had to pay your dues. Hell, my dad even made me go to Princeton — you think I wanted to do that?” said Newtshire, whose fund has raked in billions during a global pandemic. “Now these bullshit mobile games are ruining it for everybody.”

Even though Newtshire bought the same stocks as the mobile gamers at the same prices, he claimed the difference was night and day.

“Smartphones are trash. Tiny screen, no GPU, no dedicated cooling. You’re basically using a cheap toy to manipulate stocks, impacting employees all over the world, just to feed your own greed. Real gamers use PCs to do that,” said Newtshire, pointing at the Bloomberg terminal in his office. “It’s way better.”

When asked to comment, most of the mobile gamers were ambivalent.

“There’s not much to it, dude. I was sitting in my apartment, applying to jobs because I got laid off in April, and I saw GameStop trending on Twitter,” said local gamer Tess Laughlin. “Next thing I know, I’m making like $200 on that Robinhood app. Not enough to pay down my student loans, but still cool, I guess.”

After failing to beat the mobile gamers on his own, Newtshire began an effort to report them all for griefing, hoping it would get them kicked from the servers.

Like this article? Check out our merch store!

Redditor Accidentally Invests Life Savings in GameSpot

Posted on January 27, 2021 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

SAN FRANCISCO — Local redditor Nelson Briggs has reportedly invested his entire life savings into video game news website GameSpot, mistaking it for the retailer GameStop.

“I just took all the money out of my 401k and dumped it all into GAMESPOT!!! I’m ready to make a shitton of fucking money. Let’s fuckin go, boys! HODL,” Nelson posted on r/WallStreetBets, seemingly unaware that GameSpot and GameStop are two completely different companies. “I don’t follow this shit so closely, so I greatly appreciate all the help you guys have given us on WSB lately. This isn’t financial advice, of course, but… dump everything in GameSpot and let’s ride to riches like champions!!”

According to those familiar with the situation, r/WallStreetBet users were too uncomfortable to say anything to Briggs about his stock purchase.

“I’m the first to admit that we can get pretty hostile in this subreddit. We say some pretty, you know, offensively mocking things to people we think are stupid. It’s like a sick game to us and we love it. But this one… this one was just too sad for anyone to say anything mean,” said a WSB moderator who wished to remain anonymous. “We all saw the thread and were kinda just like, ‘fuck… good luck, buddy, I hope it works out.’ Just absolutely brutal shit. Completely sucked the fun out of calling people morons.”

“Hell, it’s not even smart to be buying GameStop at this point,” they added, “so it’s like double dumb. This broke me.”

At press time, Briggs was reportedly begging his parents to take money from their savings and invest it all in the American Movie Classics channel, thinking it was AMC Theatres.

Like this article? Check out our merch store!

Local Crackpot Believes His Tweets are Good Enough to Be Suppressed by the Algorithm

Posted on January 27, 2021 by Giovanni Colantonio

DICKSON, Tenn. — Twitter user Lenny Vickerman, a 43-year-old who frequently posts unintelligible rants on social media, suspects that the sole reason his tweets aren’t getting traction must be because the site is suppressing him via their algorithm.

“Big tech is trying to silence us once again,” Vickerman explained from the driver’s seat of his truck, in a video recently posted to his account that received no engagement. “I’m exposing these limousine liberals for the reptilians they really are every day on Twitter and not even one retweet! Clearly my tweets are being buried, which is why they get no likes. It’s the only explanation!”

A quick scan of Vickerman’s feed shows that he tweets up to forty times a day to an audience of 11 followers. One example Vickerman points to as evidence of Twitter tampering is a tweet that reads “BUSTED! Let’s see Pelosi wriggle out of this one,” accompanied by a link to a 404 page.

“I actually don’t understand why his tweets don’t get more likes,” said Twitter user Derek Lee, the only person who regularly engages with Vickerman’s posts. “The guy is hilarious. He’s like the new dril. Wait… he’s not shitposting? Oh.”

Vickerman suspects that Facebook’s algorithm has also hidden his content in its feed. One post, a 2000 word rant with no paragraph breaks about how Nancy Pelosi and Apple’s Tim Cook orchestrated the Capitol attacks to frame Donald Trump, only has one comment from Vickerman’s second cousin, which simply says “good to see you lenny.”

“I have no idea who that is,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg when asked if he was censoring Vickerman. “But we’re happy to have him a loyal Facebook user and we’ll do everything in our power to make sure his posts get top priority from now on.”

Frustrated with his lack of engagement on social media, Vickerman eventually migrated over to YouTube, where he instantly became one of the platform’s top personalities.

Like this article? Check out our merch store!

The Top 5 Comments on Hard Drive Articles This Week

Posted on January 27, 2021 by Owen Crowlie

From reading all of your comments, as frequently as I do, I can tell that many of you are artists and creatives yourselves. That means all of you probably relate to trying to find the most elegant way to tell your family about how you make money either writing about Mario’s dick, drawing Mario’s dick, or just talking about Mario’s dick for a podcast. If only there was a way to involve them in your work and help them understand…

“And for just five dollars a month on Patreon, you can enter my ‘Close Family’ tier for a call every week, with regular updates on all of my latest projects. If you opt for the ten dollar tier, I’ll even tell you that I’m going back to school!”

Now we finally know what was secretly happening when Captain America was trying to lift Thor’s Hammer:

(ARTIST’S RENDITION. NOT ACTUAL PROMOTIONAL ARTWORK BY DISNEY. ALTHOUGH, IF THEY LIKE IT, DISNEY MAY FEEL FREE TO REACH OUT.)

And it turns out the black friend he’s been talking about all of these years was one of his neighbors in The Sims.

Personally, my favorite level is when Cooking Cousin takes you upstairs and shows you how to roll a joint before ‘taking a walk,’ which allows you to skip the section where Cooking Aunt asks why you’ve never had a boyfriend. I easily spent hours on the gas station section failing over and over again to put ketchup on a microwaved hot dog.

Honestly, between economic and ecological decline, stagnant politics, and the next 100 years of endless Star Wars movies, at least fully immersive ray traced elf breasts give humanity something to look forward to.

Thank you so much for your comments, everybody. Remember, if you want a chance to be in next week’s column, be sure to leave a funny comment on any of our posts on social media!

Scott Pilgrim Game Re-Release Includes Disclaimer Screen Acknowledging That Scott Is a Pretty Bad Boyfriend

Posted on January 26, 2021 by Kevin Flynn

TORONTO — Fans of the long-inaccessible retro beat ‘em up Scott Pilgrim vs. The World: The Game were pleasantly surprised to discover that publisher Ubisoft has included a disclaimer screen in the startup sequence of the game’s deluxe re-release which acknowledges that Scott Pilgrim is a pretty bad boyfriend.

“This game includes dated and painful depictions of a lousy mid-2000’s alt boyfriend whose actions were wrong then and continue to be wrong now,” begins the disclaimer, written in an 8-bit pixellated font on a somber back background. “Rather than remove or alter this content, we want to acknowledge Scott Pilgrim’s harmful impact towards his girlfriends, allow players to learn from it, and spark conversation to create more thoughtful boyfriends together.’

Fans of the series say they are encouraged that Ubisoft is acknowledging the toxic actions of Scott Pilgrim rather than try to cover them up.

“Good on Ubisoft for doing the right thing and acknowledging Scott’s problematic history,” said Reddit user QueCeraCera on the subreddit r/ScottPilgrim. “I love this game and have fond memories of playing it, but I also think it’s important to recognize that most people who identify with Scott Pilgrim himself are probably bad, inconsiderate people. Anyone who’s bothering to dive back into this game in 2021 probably needs to hear that, so I applaud Ubisoft for being part of the solution.”

Sources report that the game’s disclaimer screen concludes by encouraging players to learn more about Scott Pilgrim’s negative impact on his romantic partners by purchasing the Scott Pilgrim graphic novel box set at Oni Press’s official website.

Like this article? Check out our merch store!

CDC Urges Americans to Acquire New Skills and Outfits for When Time Skip Ends

Posted on January 25, 2021 by Liam O'Malley

ATLANTA — In an attempt to help Americans better understand and adjust to the COVID-19 pandemic, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention released a statement encouraging Americans to start intensive training regimens to acquire vital new skills going forward.

“This pandemic has raged on for nearly a year and has shown no signs of stopping,” CDC Director Rochelle Walensky said. “And yet even now we still have a major obstacle to overcome: getting through all of this and discovering that your friend group is as dull as they were before. Go on a long training journey and meditate under waterfalls or something cool.”

The statement was met with immediate backlash from concerned Americans who felt they could not afford such intense measures.

“Very few small businesses are equipped to survive a time skip. It’s not fair to expect us all to do this,” Derrick Stocker, the owner of a local pharmacy, said. “The people I know who could afford to stay home instead of work are gaining weight and taking up hobbies like knitting. If the government wants us to learn how to become wyvern riders and acquire legendary swords, they need to cancel rent.”

Despite the criticism, leading medical experts continue to stand by this approach, citing the fact that major events have always served as a precedent for such actions.

“The fact of the matter is that COVID-19 was on a power level that Americans have never seen before. If we don’t prepare by spending the next year developing new powerful forms then we’ll never be able to protect our friends, families, and best girls,” explained Doctor Anthony Fauci. “Also, it’s either this or another year of filler arcs where we figure out who’s the best at baking fig newtons and sourdough bread.”

Dr. Fauci later showcased his planned outfit for after the time skip: an exposed muscular chest slightly obscured by a tattered medical coat. He also drew attention to the fact that one sleeve was missing to show off the new arm scar he got from the vaccine.

Like this article? Check out our merch store!

Check out The Brainplay Loop:

Stay Updated on The Latest Punk News