Seth Rogen Gets High Smoking Fire Flower With Koopa on Set of Mario Film

Posted on by Kevin Podas

LOS ANGELES — Seth Rogen was caught getting high by smoking a fire flower with an unnamed koopa troopa on-set between takes while filming Illumination Studios’ upcoming Super Mario film, according to those close to the production.

“Who cares? Are they going to fire me? I mean, is this even technically weed?” Rogen asked, his outfit’s color palette still slightly tinged red and white due to the latent effects of the fire flower molecules still in his bloodstream. “I don’t know for sure, but whatever it is, it’s really been helping me get into the mind of Donkey Kong or whatever, so I really don’t see why it’s a problem. If anything, it’s an indication of how seriously I take the role.”

Others on-set balked at Rogen’s abject lack of professionalism.

“This is a family movie, and Seth is sitting around getting high with the extras,” complained co-star Chris Pratt, speaking entirely in his Mario voice as part of his method acting process. “Couldn’t he be a better role model? There are a lot of impressionable Christian children out there who look up to Donkey Kong. As an example of an inferior creature that God created to make humans feel more secure in their holy sovereignty, I mean.”

Word quickly spread of Rogen’s actions on-set, and reached the ears of executives at Nintendo.

“We take drug use very seriously in Japan,” remarked Shigeru Miyamoto. “Fire flowers are not meant to be used to get high. They are meant to be weapons of destruction, to set anyone and anything in your way up in flames. My heart goes out to anyone on set who may have been offended by Mr. Rogen’s behavior, and I hope the studio will do the proper thing and completely erase any of his involvement with the film.”

At press time, Seth Rogen was unable to stop giggling while trying to pick up a large barrel to throw at Chris Pratt.

Sonic Fan Game Lowers Quality to Be More Authentic

Posted on by Liam O'Malley

PASADENA, Calif. — A Sonic the Hedgehog fan putting the finishing touches on their own homemade entry into the series has decided to bump the quality down a little bit so as to provide a more faithful contribution to the canon.  

“This isn’t quite ready,” Trevor Conrad said of Sonic Escapades, a game that pays tribute to the iconic hedgehog’s beloved series of games. “It feels way too finished, and I’m in complete goddamned control of the 3D segments. It controls like a buttery dream and all of these characters make sense and that is really disappointing because I thought I was almost done with it. Back to the lab, I guess. I gotta put a bunch of bugs into this thing.” 

The title has been in development for over two years, with many Sonic fans eagerly awaiting updates to the game’s status on Conrad’s social media pages. 

“There’s nothing better than Sonic games,” said Tracy Powell, a self-described Sonic buff. “Wait, let me start over. Sonic games are my favorite video games. There’s nothing better than getting one from an honest-to-goodness fan. And yeah, Sonic Mania was nice, but something was off, you know? We love Sonic warts and all, and Mania was like, no warts. It’s perfectly fine, but this new one looks like absolute shit. I cannot wait.” 

As of press time, Conrad had released a new trailer for Sonic Escapades, which saw added features like empty lifeless 3D worlds and the series’ 28th recorded homage to Green Hill Zone.

Foot Clan Ninja Can’t Figure Out Who Giant Hulking Mutant Turtle Is Due to Thin Piece of Orange Cloth

Posted on by Camden Brazile

NEW YORK — Local crime syndicate The Foot Clan has been routinely thwarted in recent weeks by an unknown vigilante, whom due to a thin piece of orange cloth covering a sliver of his face could be any hulking, mutant turtle.

“Damn it, who could it be?” lamented Foot Clan Grunt Allen Branwell. “It’s driving me crazy that it could be any massive muscular turtle in the entire city! That masked turtle has a lot of savvy, wearing a tiny little strip of fabric covering one sixth of his face so that there’s no way he, or she, could be identified. Then after they defeat us time and time again, they slink into the sewer to presumably travel undetected to whatever studio apartment they are likely renting. Whoever they are, they’re clearly masters of deception and stealth.”

Foot Clan leader and local terrorist Shredder commented on the new thorn in his organization’s side.

“There’s four of them with different masks, and despite the fact they all have different dialects for some reason, we can’t trace them to anyone in town,” said Shredder. “All we have to go on is that they are a six-foot-tall turtle so not exactly much to narrow it down. Also, why didn’t I think of just doing a really simple, lightweight mask? I’ve been lugging around a bunch of bullshit gear and ornate, bespoke samurai masks for years to hide my identity, and now I must admit I feel a bit foolish.”

At press time, an inside source noted that they had thought they had seen the vigilante turtle in question, but due to the large trench coat and fedora they were wearing, it must have just been a regular large green human man.

Gatekeeper Returns From Mountaintop With 10 Commandments For Being a Real Gamer

Posted on by Kyle Erf

MUNCIE, Ind. — Local gamer and gatekeeper Mozis Becker has descended from a nearby mountaintop and presented his peers with what he says are the ten commandments for gaming on an Android tablet. 

“God has spoken to me! He has given me the rules” said Becker upon reentering the crowded parking lot at the town’s center, which was hosting a farmer’s market at the time. 

At this point, the farmer’s market crowd reportedly gathered attentively to hear the man’s proclamation of the new rules of gaming. 

“Thou shalt not use an aimbot in an online match,” he read, much to the titter of the gathered townsfolk. “Thou shalt not get your food hands on a shared controller. Thou shalt not cut in line at the Street Fighter II or Mortal Kombat machines.” 

“Oh, that’s kind of an old one,” Becker added. “That’s not going to come up a lot.” 

The gathered crowd rejoiced as he continued to list the commandments. Among them were ones that warned against posting spoilers for games’ endings and to not steal your neighbor’s console. 

“Praise be to god, we have finally been ordered what to do,” said one local resident. “We have been lost sheep in search of a shepherd, but today, this totally gnarly dude has come to the rescue. Gamers love a top ten list, and this might be the greatest one yet. Top five, easy. I knew that old GamePro magazine his brother Aaron was showing everyone and calling ‘The Good Book’ was a load of horseshit. ” 

As of press time, Becker was so mad about the old issue of GamePro that he’d thrown the Android tablet on the ground, smashing it to pieces.

‘Cult of the Lamb’ Required to Be Played as Onboarding for New Hot Topic Employees

Posted on by Jon Ruggiero

CITY OF INDUSTRY, Calif. — As part of a new hiring initiative, Hot Topic has instructed all of its new employees to play the new indie game Cult of the Lamb from Devolver Digital and Massive Monster.

“This game has everything that Hot Topic is about, and that shoppers of our store would love,” explained Hot Topic CEO Steve Vranes. “There’s adorable animals, stark black-and-red colors, and a central theme about surrounding yourself with like-minded folks that will help you serve a great and evil god. As your character serves The One Who Waits Below in Cult of the Lamb, so do Hot Topic employees serve capitalism.”

“It’s a basic safety precaution,” Vranes added. “We assume if you’re going to work at Hot Topic that you play video games, but if not, it’s good to have at least some gaming experience under your belt. Especially if it’s about The Devil.”

Glen Hanks, HR Director for Hot Topic Northeast, is reportedly “psyched” about the cross-promotion between brands. 

“Like we actually say in our ads, working here is the shit. That’s literally on our website — go check,” Hanks said. “You have to deal with shit at your campsite in Cult of The Lamb, and while employees rarely deal with feces on store property, it’s still good to get a bit of training in that area Besides, there’s also something poetic about forcing all of our underlings to do something whether they want to or not.”

As of press time, not a single new hire has complained about this new practice since Cult of the Lamb is a fun title that blends together cute animation and grisly content with two great styles of gameplay, and is certainly in contention for many people’s Game of The Year list. Can you believe this is a sponsored article?

Yep, that’s right: this article is sponsored by Devolver Digital! Hot Topic may not really exist, but Cult of the Lamb absolutely does and it’s one of the best indie games of the year, so check it out on Steam, or else you’ll be missing out. You don’t wanna miss out, do you? All alone like that? Come on, man.

Remember The Sandlot? I Bet You Do, You Old Piece of Shit

Posted on by Sam LiButti

Nostalgic for the halcyon days of your youth with all of its familiar pieces of pop culture ephemera? Perhaps in your waking daydreams you occasionally pause to remember the modern classic children’s baseball film, The Sandlot? Don’t answer — I can already tell you do by the look of your thin-ass wiry grey hair, you old fucking piece of shit. Yeah, I bet you’re so old you saw that shit in theaters, didn’t you? Mommy and daddy called you a horse-drawn carriage to take you to the moving pictures show, didn’t they, motherfucker?

I bet your first crush was some Victorian-era looking girl named Wendy Peffercorn, too, right? She probably died like 20 years ago from old age, meanwhile here you are just waiting for death’s cold embrace to finally end what was once a youthful spark of life full of hopes and dreams and optimism for the future. I’m sure you have some firsthand stories about using dial-up, too, don’t you, old sport? And by the way, you can spare me your impression of the AOL modem dialing noise, pops. In some cultures, you would be revered as an Elder, y’know, so the least I can do is to whisper a familiar line or two from The Sandlot into your ear to lull you to sleep for the remainder of this article.

“You’re killing me, smalls!” Boy oh boy, remember that great line? Maybe not, I know it’s becoming harder and harder for you to really remember anything these days. But don’t worry, I’m sure those omega-3 fish oil pills will start helping with that any day now. If it doesn’t help you remember fun Sandlot trivia, maybe it will at least relieve you of lying awake every night, reliving all of your past mistakes, thinking of all of the things you could have done differently if only you’d known how fast time would pass you by.

Anyway, don’t forget to take your arthritis pills before you try and write a comment on this article about how you would always rent The Sandlot on VHS over and over from Blockbuster, you decrepit old fuck, because we all know the only thing you have left to cling to is your memories of that last whimpering decade where the world wasn’t completely fucked to distract you from the fact that you will never afford to raise a family like people could back then. You yuppie ’90s kids make me fucking sick.

By the way, did you know the original title of the film was The Boys of Summer? Pretty neat little factoid!

Man Buys Goku Fortnite Skin to Live Out Escapist Fantasy of Abandoning His Son

Posted on by Alex Ptak

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local father Robert Parker reportedly jumped at the chance to play Fortnite as Goku, the famous Dragon Ball Z character who does not take care of his son.

“Goku rocks. He’s so strong he can punch through a mountain,” explained Parker, 35, playing Fortnite on the living room couch only a few feet away from his son Matthew, 4. “Nobody can make Goku take his kid to the playground on Sundays when the Vikings are in preseason.”

Parker, a union electrician, said he dreams of living what he calls The Goku Lifestyle, and hopes the skin will allow him a form of escape.

“This is a guy who fights all day, and he doesn’t have to watch his son because he’s dead half the time. That means he can go to the bar any night of the week he wants,” said Parker, who also mimics Goku by eating meat very quickly.

Matthew was quick to add his support to the conversation, shouting “Goku!” over and over again for the remainder of the interview.

“That’s right, Matty,” Parker confirmed with a hollow look behind his eyes. “Goku.”

When reached for comment, Child Protective Services insisted that purchasing a Fortnite skin does not merit state intervention regardless of context.

Nature Begins Anew as Millions of Gamers Follow Instinctual Call Back to Fortnite

Posted on by Andy Holt

NEW YORK — Gamers around the world have begun their seasonal migration back to their ancestral grounds of Fortnite, in a majestic ritual that renews the gaming community, nature experts report.

“On some level, all gamers feel the instinct to return home to Fortnite to spawn with other gamers in a Battle Royale. But sometimes that instinct is triggered in a bunch of gamers at once, usually because Epic added something cool like Goku, or got rid of something annoying like the building mechanic. That’s when the gamers migrate in droves,” said Elizabeth Gray, head of the National Audubon Society. “I’ll never forget the first time I saw it, when Fortnite did all the Thanos stuff in 2018. Everyone who had gotten tired of the game started coming back. I remember this one gamer, maybe 35 years old, dropped in for the first time in months and immediately started a heated argument with a small child. Nature is breathtaking.”

In addition to being one of the most beautiful natural events in the gaming world, the return to Fortnite plays a vital role in maintaining a healthy population of gamers across the globe.

“There are many subspecies of gamer, from the lowly Mobile Gamer — nothing more than a rodent, really — to the elusive Real Gamer, an awe-inspiring creature that has not been sighted in more than a decade and is feared extinct. These subspecies rarely interact outside of arguments on Facebook and Reddit,” said Gray, displaying an undated photograph of a suspected Real Gamer playing one of the Bungie Halo games. “But when everybody decides to play Fortnite again at the same time, gamers of every kind can mingle, create memes, get mad, spend $20 on a free game and complain about it—all the fascinating behaviors that make the gamer such a strange and beautiful creature.”

Local gamer Craig Franklin recently gave into his deeply rooted instinctual urge and heeded the call to Fortnite after not playing for a while.

“My buddies were playing again so I thought I’d get back into it. Ended up grabbing the Battle Pass and knocking out some challenges. I’ll probably get tired of it again soon but that’s cool. It’s fun,” said Franklin, apparently unaware that he was following a hardwired path in his genetic code that compels him to play Fortnite for at least a few weeks every 2 years or so. “Did you know there’s a ’no building’ mode now?”

Later reports indicated that the migration may already be slowing, as many gamers have decided to pick up the new Madden to see if it’s gotten any better.

Spider-Man Dead After Spider-Sense Tragically Fails to Detect Actual Poisonous Spider

Posted on by Naomi Krause

NEW YORK — Controversial crime fighter and local folk hero Spider-Man tragically passed away after his trademark “Spidey Sense” failed to notify him of the poisonous spider that crawled up his leg and bit him, sources have confirmed. 

“Oh, my poor Peter, if only you had a sense that told you there were spiders on you,” said May Parker, a family member who spoke at the funeral, finally revealing the identity of the costumed crime-fighter. “Your uncle always told you ‘With great power comes great responsibility,’ but I wish he had told you ‘Peter, make sure you check for spiders on your back every now and again. For some reason they really seem to be attracted to you.’ That would have saved your life.” 

Some in the local media have stated that the relatively pedestrian downfall of one of the world’s most storied superheroes is proof he was a fraud. 

“Ha, what’d I tell you?” asked J. Jonah Jameson, editor in chief of The Daily Bugle. “That bum was a hack, a phony, an absolute con artist! He’s swinging around like some kind of savior of the city when all along he was no more in tune with the spiders around him than you or I. The city called him Spider-Man, I called him A Nut With a Bunch of Rope, and I think we see who was right. Now get out of here and take whoever let you into my office with you!” 

Despite the unfavorable opinions of the late Spider-Man, many mourners at today’s funeral said he will be remembered for his spirit and bravery, not the untimely downfall to a little spider. 

“He saved my life a few times,” said Mary Jane Parker, one of many gathered for the ceremony. “He was never one to back down from a challenge, never one to run away from a fight. That’s just who he was. But also, I used to ask him if it was possible that the other spiders in town thought he was some kind of threat and might one day try to kill him, and he said that was ridiculous and that I just didn’t understand this science stuff.” 

As of press time, rumors that Dr. Octopus has drowned at an aquatic zoo have been confirmed. There are no updates as to what exhibit this took place in at this time. 

Lego Guy’s Day Ruined After Stepping on Human Femur

Posted on by Naomi Krause

LEGO WORLD — A cool LEGO guy who was just hanging out in his apartment earlier today had his day completely ruined when he stepped on a human femur bone that was on the ground for some reason. 

“Ahh! God damn! Why is there a man’s goddamned bone on the living room floor?” asked the LEGO man, to his LEGO children, who still had their sleeping faces on. “I told you not to play with that stuff inside of the house. Now I’ve busted off the end of my foot and I’m gonna have to glue it together before work. Just what I needed to start my day. Oh, why did I have LEGO children?” 

The LEGO man’s wife said this was merely the latest in a string of similar occurrences. 

“The kids are always leaving their stuff laying around,” she said. “Most of their toys are pretty harmless, but man, those human bones really sting when you step on them. We’d love it if the kids would rather just play with anything else, but nope, they really just like playing with the human bones. We even tried the off-brand ones and they can tell they’re not the same. I hate that my husband keeps hurting himself, but maybe he should be a little more careful, you know?” 

As of press time, the LEGO Guy had ordered a really cool set of human bones based on the characters from Star Wars marketed towards LEGO grown ups.