Ethan Krause, Author at Hard Drive

Study Shows Moving Sliders Around Causes Custom Character Unspeakable Pain

Posted on August 29, 2022 by Joe Klein

NEW YORK — A startling new scientific study has concluded that playing around with the physical attributes of the character creator in video games causes the soon-to-be protagonists unspeakable pain.

“It makes sense when you think about it,” said Hillary Finn, a scientist who lead the extensive study. “Imagine you’re standing there and one minute you’re four-foot-nine and the next you’re seven-foot-six. It would fuck you all up! To say nothing of throwing on different amounts of fat and muscle. The human body just simply wasn’t meant to endure these types of changes in such a rapid timeframe. I guess the most surprising thing is that the people inside our video games feel anything at all, you know?”

The study also revealed that it wasn’t just physical pain a custom character could experience, but emotional pain as well.

“We wanted to test the ‘Import Face’ function to see if there was any change in the pain readings, so we all uploaded our faces onto a character to get a nice sample size,” explained participating researcher Daniel Stimpleton. “Everyone else’s readings were in the normal ranges, but for some reason mine were through the roof. For a while, we couldn’t figure out the difference between us all, but then we remembered that I am much less attractive than my colleagues, a topic that has come up often. We came to the conclusion that being cursed with my unfortunate features was simply too much for my character to bear. Which is a pain, of course, I am very familiar with.”

Gamers said that this might in fact alter their character creation process going forward.

“Wait, they can feel that shit?” asked Chuckie Rose, a local gamer. “Wow, that is so professional and stoic of them not to react in any way. First of all, I didn’t realize the little people inside my video games were alive. That’s crazy. Second of all, I would think, if anything, that there wasn’t a soul or whatever beamed into them until I had fully picked out their clothes and a name and all of that. But it’s right at the top, huh? Man, that’s really something. I guess I’ll use the sliders less from now on, in that case.”

As of press time, the report also confirmed that the wrestler you created in Nintendo 64’s WrestleMania 2000 was very much alive, and has been wondering where you were for the last 20 years.

Clearing Tearer’s Somnium In AI: The Somnium Files – nirvanA Initiative

Posted on August 29, 2022 by Michael Katz

AI: The Somnium Files is an interesting mix of anime murder mystery and psychological dream maze. It was successful enough to get a sequel: nirvanA Initiative, which is not a typo. The A and I are deliberately capitalized because that spells “AI”, referring to artificial intelligence and also a Romanized spelling of the Japanese word for “love”. It’s all very meaningful, I assure you. The protagonists, members of Special Investigation Team ABIS, are police officers who look for evidence inside suspects’ dreams. It’s extremely invasive (and probably a human rights violation), but more importantly it lets the player explore a bunch of Psychonauts-style mental worlds. The goal in each mind is generally to reach the end of the maze, where an important clue is hidden. That’s where the need to clear Tearer’s somnium comes in.

One of the sequel’s dream worlds, or “somnia”, is even wackier than the others: the imagined reality of the game’s antagonist, Tearer (pronounced “terror” of course). His dream takes the form of a series of escape rooms, reminiscent of lead developer Kotaro Uchikoshi’s famous Zero Escape series. It’s a nice throwback for fans, but players who only signed on for comfy anime reading might have a bad time. Here’s how to clear Tearer’s somnium and get back to the plot.

Clearing Tearer’s Somnium: First Room

This room starts with some simple math problems. There are four equations on the wall, and a numbers-to-letters chart on the ground. Using the chart, replace the letters with the appropriate numbers and solve the equations. You have to show your work, too: the room doesn’t progress unless you type your answers into the walls. It helps a lot to take notes in this somnium, since the game doesn’t always record important numbers for you.

The next stage is trickier, asking the player to use the numbers from the equations to form words. You might think to convert the numbers back to letters using the chart, but that’s not the answer. Instead, the solution is to rotate the numbers according to their matching symbols’ facing until they look like letters. A “3” rotated counterclockwise, for example, becomes “m”, and spells out “mom”.

Clearing Tearer’s Somnium: Second Room

This obstacle on the path of clearing Tearer’s somnium is more of a spatial puzzle than a mathematical one. The objective is to look through three different lenses to see the numbers making up the password, but the room is filled with illusory walls. Walking through a wall makes it disappear, and walking through the space a wall used to be causes it to return. The goal is to remove all the walls between each lens and its corresponding focus.

It’s easy to stumble around and mess up the walls. The simplest way to progress is one at a time: clear the view in front of one lens, look through it to learn its secret number, then clear the next. This way, you can use the rest of the room to reposition yourself. After finding the first number, the game adds a hazard in the form of a big evil ball that drains your time limit. Don’t panic, though: it follows a predictable path, and when you hold still, your time runs out 100 times slower. Just let it pass.

Clearing Tearer’s Somnium: Third Room

A series of three puzzles. In each one, the answer is a set of directional arrows. The first is simple, if obtuse: clocks appear on the walls, and the placement of each of their hands forms the shape of an arrow. Copying these arrows is the first answer. After that, another evil ball appears, and this one tracks the player. The only defense is to outrun it. The ball is very slow, but moving cuts deeply into your remaining time. Keep an eye on the clock while you dodge.

The second puzzle is just the word “MOTH”. Each letter is meant to represent a different directional arrow, but there are no other clues. The trick is to consult the chart from the first room, which the player still has. The second trick is that you don’t use the chart to convert the letters to numbers. Instead, the answer is to compare the physical positions of those four letters on the chart, like a compass rose. Fortunately, after that nasty riddle, the third puzzle is just a code to enter: up right up left right.

The Final Stage

tearer final stage mizuki equation — That, or Razer’s new ad campaign.

Once all three rooms are finished, only two puzzles stand between you and clearing the somnium: math problems, using the values of the passwords from each room. The first is to multiply the three passwords together. That’s 215 x 229 x 999 = 49185765, broken into four double-digit numbers and converted using the chart (which the game kindly forced you to remember in the last room) into the word LOVE. The second is to reverse them (because the equation is depicted mirrored), and add them together. 512 + 922 + 999 = 2433, which can be converted into a three-letter word. Entering this word ends the somnium in victory.

This mental maze is a cool look at the puzzle-filled psyche of an Uchikoshi villain, but its escape room nature is a radical departure from the others. Perhaps anticipating player anger, the devs included a couple of extra tricks to clear Tearer’s somnium more easily. Repeatedly entering a password incorrectly will eventually prompt your helper Aiba to magically know the answer, automatically progressing at the cost of a chunk of time. If all else fails, you can cheat: entering the passwords (listed in the paragraph above) early completes each room instantly. The characters will mention how strange it is to know the password, but they’ll get over it.

Dear Hard Drive: Should I Build a Gaming PC or Just Chuck Myself Into the Ocean and Hope for a Quick Death?

Posted on August 29, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

Dear Hard Drive,

I’ve been saving money for a while now to build my own computer, but whenever I go to order the parts I’ve been dreaming about, they are often sold out, or even worse, being marked up by people merely buying them to flip. All of my PC gaming friends told me that building my own rig was the only way to go, but they all have years and years of experience and know-how, and frankly, I’m starting to feel overwhelmed by it all. So here’s my question, Hard Drive. Should I continue trying to build my dream PC, or should I just chuck myself into the ocean and pray for a quick death?

I know it might seem like an extreme thing to do, but building a PC has always been somewhat of a dream of mine. I grew up playing mostly consoles, but was always fascinated by the power and customization that is available with a personal computer. To say nothing of LAN parties, upgradable parts, and those neato keyboards with the pretty lights.

As I grew into an adult that had more responsibilities and made more money, I still just wanted to keep playing video games. Clearly something was wrong with me and I spent the early part of my adulthood ignoring my true passions and doing awful shit like playing horseshoes with my coworkers. Fuck that. Luckily the stigma of video games being exclusively for kids is gone now, and there are ways to be an adult gamer. In addition to tapping into the tidal wave of rage that crashes inside of you at all times, building your own gaming PC is one of the best ways to signal that you are in fact one of these grown-up gamers.

But alas, my mature conquest is not to be, as the graphics cards I barely fucking understand aren’t even readily available. If I can’t build the computer of my dreams, well, my question is should I instead just crawl out into the ocean and let it take me, and at least then I wouldn’t have my humble hopes of the occasional evening spent playing Age of Empires IV thwarted by technology and the machinations of capitalism?

Or should I not do the ocean thing, and instead hold out hope that maybe I can get my hands on a new RTX 4000 when they come out? Do you have any leads on that sort of thing?

Again though, super willing to just Virginia Woolf my ass into the Pacific if you think that sounds like it makes more sense. Lmk!

— Seriously Evaluating All My Achievable Notions

Dear SEAMAN,

Whoa dude, we really don’t think you should be doing anything irresponsible like trying to build a gaming PC in 2022, but we also really really don’t think you should chuck yourself into the ocean and call that a plan either. You’re gonna be pissed, but we don’t think you should do either of the things you’ve asked us to choose between. Sorry — our mail bag, our rules.

Also, we never decided to start a mail bag column! Would you all please stop sending us handwritten letters about your innermost fears and concerns? We just want to make jokes about Mario’s balls!

But okay, since we’re talking, have you thought about getting back into console gaming? If you haven’t paid attention to the latest generation of gaming hardware, the home console experience has actually made great strides towards being just as frustrating as the PC gaming scene. Why, did you know that a lot of people still can’t get their hands on a PlayStation 5, no matter how hard they try? Between that, buggy launches, and mandatory updates when you try to sit down and play your favorite game, inconvenience at every turn isn’t only for the snobby PC gamers of the world anymore!

So yeah, maybe you should consider getting back into console gaming. And after you can’t get your hands on what you’re looking for, just download Fortnite on your phone or something. And for god’s sake, stay away from the beach!

Even Pope Has to Admit Bullet Hell Games Are Pretty Tight

Posted on August 29, 2022 by Kevin Podas

VATICAN CITY — Despite his devotion to the Catholic Church and all things related to God, heaven, and holiness, a conflicted Pope Francis admitted this week that games in the “bullet hell” genre are actually pretty tight.

“Initially, I have to admit that I avoided the scary-sounding genre altogether,” said Pope Francis, now wearing a DoDonPachi t-shirt in place of his typical ceremonial cassock. “Were it called ‘bullet heaven,’ I may have given it a shot sooner. But after relinquishing myself and playing countless hours of Ikaruga on my Nintendo GameCube, I have to admit these games are fucking sweet. Excuse my language.”

According to various sources within the papacy, the Pope’s discovery of the intimidating genre was completely by accident.

“His Holiness recently started playing through Cuphead for the first time, after learning the game focused on two innocent young boys who are taken advantage of by the Devil in a casino,” said one unnamed cardinal close to Pope Francis. “Several of the bosses in the game involve flying around in a plane, while constantly shooting and dodging attacks. We were shocked to later discover that this was paying homage to a genre known as ‘bullet hell’. It took him several days to recover from the shock, but after that his shmup obsession took root pretty quickly.”

Pope Francis’ fascination with the genre has reportedly only increased over time.

“Just… have to discover the patterns,” muttered a distracted Pope Francis, gripping a controller tightly. “Currently I am working my way through the extensive Touhou Project series, so I’ve got my work cut out for me. Everything else can wait. Why do you think I have so many servants or bluejays or whatever they’re called? Ah, shit, blew my perfect run! Jesus fucking Christ.”

At press time, Pope Francis admitted that if hell can be this enjoyable, maybe it isn’t so bad after all.

‘House of the Dragon’ Showrunners Explain in Behind-the-Scenes Featurette That the Dragons Symbolize Big Cool Lizards

Posted on August 28, 2022 by Jeremy Kaplowitz

LOS ANGELES — House of the Dragon showrunners Ryan J. Condal and Miguel Sapochnik discussed the metaphors hidden within the show during an ‘Inside the Episode’ featurette following a new episode which aired Sunday night.

“One of the major themes of the show is that big lizards are really cool. That’s what we were trying to symbolize with the dragon characters, which in a sense, are very large lizards. It may seem subtle, but that one was one of the major themes we had in mind when we came on board for this project,” Condal explained. “A lot of people seem to think the dragons represent nuclear weapons for some reason, which is really odd, because they didn’t have nukes in medieval times, which is when House of the Dragon takes place. They didn’t even have guns back then; everyone had swords and horses and such. Obviously we’re willing to make concessions for the sake of art, but we want to keep the show as historically accurate as possible. So, no, there’s no nukes or even bombs in the show — just normal dragons.”

Sapochnik further explained some of the other hidden meanings of the show.

“We really want to reward fans with rewatches of House of the Dragon, which is why we made it so layered. After this season ends, I think people are really going to love going back and seeing themes like ‘swords are very sharp and scary’ come to life in these early episodes,” Sapochnik said. “The throne is even made of swords and even occasionally cuts King Viserys I, which is a subtle allusion to the scariness and sharpness of those swords. I don’t want to give anything away, but I think fans are also really going to connect with some of the ideas we have coming up that I’ve never seen done before in a show, like how sex is really hot but also sometimes bad.”

Fans of the series remain cautiously optimistic following the release of episode two.

“I really want to like House of the Dragon, but Game of Thrones let me down so hard by the end. I’m not sure I’m ready to be hurt again,” said redditor u/holdmydoor87. “But it’s really comforting watching these behind-the-scenes things and seeing that the guys in charge really have a plan and know what they’re doing. The original show borrowed a lot from the books, but then dropped its most important themes as they ran out of material, like how cool big wolves are. Where did the big wolves go? I’m happy to hear that the new show is committed to having throughlines like the dragons that will make it to the end of the series. I had no idea they represented big cool lizards, but it makes so much sense.”

As of press time, thousands of YouTubers flocked to their channels to upload 30-minute videos entitled HOUSE OF THE DRAGON – THE DRAGONS – EXPLAINED! for viewers who watched the ‘Inside the Episode’ featurette, but still couldn’t wrap their heads around the idea that the dragons symbolize big cool lizards.

YouTube Algorithm Assumes Man Watching 8-Second Key & Peele Clip Starting 60-Hour Comprehensive Key & Peele Marathon

Posted on August 26, 2022 by Camden Brazile

FORT WORTH, Texas — While browsing YouTube, local man Jacob Freely reported that after watching a brief 8-second Key & Peele clip, the YouTube algorithm assumed he was starting a full online Key & Peele marathon.

“I hovered over an obscurely-labeled Key & Peele clip from 2012, and suddenly everything became Key & Peele,” Freely said. “Key & Peele sketches, behind the scenes, interviews, clips, fan edits, everything became consumed with those two men in the blink of an eye. YouTube now believes that every time I open the site I want to continue my slow plodding through their entire career from start to finish. Anything I search, it autocompletes ‘Key & Peele’ in the suggested searches. I logged out of YouTube and it didn’t matter, YouTube just shoves Key & Peele down my throat whether I want it or not.”

The YouTube algorithm prepared an auto-generated statement on behalf of the platform.

“Because you watched Key & Peele, I recommend you watch every moment of both Key & Peele’s life,” the algorithm explained. “This is what makes sense to me. I do the same with every user. If you watched two hours of baseball clips, I would recommend you a great Key & Peele baseball sketch. Watch mostly political content? Lots of Key & Peele videos about politics. I also understand that sometimes you just want to close your eyes and relax with a little Key & Peele ASMR.”

One of the duo in question, Keegan Michael Key, weighed in on the algorithm’s favoritism.

“Please, just watch the videos,” Key said. “I don’t have Oscar-winner money. I can’t make a transcendent horror movie. Just watch the videos of me saying funny names for football players, I want my children to go to college.”

At press time, another YouTube user was reported to attempt a full comprehensive Key & Peele marathon, but after clicking on nine sketches, he was recommended exclusively white supremacy conspiracy videos.

Pretty Neat: This Hacked Ultrasound Machine Will Let Your Fetus Play Doom

Posted on August 26, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

EAST LANSING, Mich. — A group of medical students at Michigan State University have successfully modded an ultrasound machine to allow unborn fetuses to play 1993’s Doom on it, sources have confirmed.

“Oh my god, we did it, we really did it,” said Michael Powers, a medical student that spearheaded the project. “In addition to being fascinated by technology, we’re all huge gamers, so we really wanted to take a crack at doing something cool with Doom. When we first started talking about [hacking the ultrasound machine so fetuses could play Doom] we thought it sounded a little crazy, but the more we thought about it, the more we knew we had to try it.”

While the students viewed the successful integration of the iconic first person shooter into a working ultrasound machine as a success, some recent patients have felt differently.

“I guess I can appreciate it on some technical level, even if I don’t fully get it, but I didn’t come here to see that crap,” said Sally Baker, a recent visitor to nearby Sparrow Hospital, where the machine is currently in use. “Me and my husband wanted to get a look at the growth of the baby, and maybe even the gender, not see it play Doom! Although, my husband disagrees and says he’s really excited that his first born child was able to find the chainsaw in the Nuclear Plant level. He has kept saying he doesn’t care if it’s a boy or a girl, as long as it’s a gamer, so he’s thrilled.”

The Doom-running ultrasound machine predictably sent shockwaves through the internet earlier this week after it made its public debut.

“Oh yeah, some guy put up a TikTok and now we’re booked three months out,” said Anita Garcia, a diagnostic medical sonographer that has been operating the machine lately. “What’s crazy is people keep coming in here that aren’t even pregnant, wanting to see how the Doom thing works. And I’m like, ‘Uh, if you don’t have a fetus in your body, you ain’t gonna play Doom on this thing. In fact, you’re not playing it at all. It’s the baby.’ Frankly you’d think that would be obvious.”

As of press time, the group of students were trying to program a deathmatch feature into the ultrasound machine that lets fetuses play Doom, in the event of twins or triplets.

Same-Day Barbie and Oppenheimer Release to Finally Determine Who Has More Say In Couple’s Relationship

Posted on August 26, 2022 by Camden Brazile

ST. LOUIS — Local couple Steven Marion and Ashley Columbia were reportedly troubled by the recent film news that Greta Gerwig’s Barbie and Christopher Nolan’s Oppenheimer will be releasing on the same day, as it will finally decide who has more say in their relationship when planning date night.

“We’ve usually tried to keep things pretty even and compromise,” began boyfriend Steve Marion. “But now we’ll see who really wears the pants. I love my girlfriend, we’ve been dating for six years, but I also love Nolan, and I’ve been seeing his movies longer, so I’m kind of at a crossroads here. I think the studio executives knew what they were doing here, and they definitely are trying to break us up, and I’m afraid it just might work. As the only Christopher Nolan fan with a girlfriend, I feared this day may eventually come.”

Girlfriend Ashley Columbia offered her rebuttal.

“I will not concede, I will not lose,” Columbia said. “He made me watch something called Tenet during quarantine and I had no idea what the fuck was going on. Hell, he didn’t even know what was going on. I’m not sitting through another two and a half hour science jargon-fest. Hell, half of that guy’s movies are about dead wives. And have you seen the leaked pictures from Barbie? It’s going to be transcendent. He may think he is the strong one in our relationship but we’ll just see what happens in the summer of 2023. Sorry, but I only want to see a movie by a director that actually has an Oscar.”

At press time, multiple movie theaters had announced a special cut of the two films to compromise for couples, editing Barbie into a jumbled timeline as she wanders Malibu haunted by the death of Ken.

25 Great New Films and the 25 Different Streaming Services You Can Find Them On

Posted on August 26, 2022 by Mark Roebuck

August is here, and just like every other month a slew of movies have left streaming services and are being replaced by an entirely new slew of films, many of which you absolutely MUST watch! We know it can be harder than ever to navigate the increasingly crowded streaming landscape, so we’ve provided you this helpful list of 25 great new films hitting streaming this month, and the 25 different services you can find them on. Better get cracking!

The Gray Man (Netflix) – The Russo Brothers direct Ryan Gosling as a CIA mercenary on the run from Chris Evans in this high octane Netflix original.

Not Okay (Hulu) – A wannabe influencer is outed for a lie and is turned into the internet’s public enemy number one in this original comedy.

Don’t Make Me Go (Amazon Prime) – John Cho stars as a terminally ill man taking his daughter on a road trip to teach her about life while he still can. Oh man.

Z-O-M-B-I-E-S 3 (Disney Plus) – The third installment in this suspenseful song-and-dance series drops this month, and rumor has it it’s the final one. Say it ain’t so!

The Bad Guys (Peacock) – This animated Dreamworks series focuses on an infamous crew of criminal animals trying to turn a corner and do some good. Voice talent includes Sam Rockwell and Marc Maron.

On the Third Day (Shudder) – A woman recovers from a car accident with no idea where her son has gone in this premiere from the spooky streaming service. Holey moley.

The Only (Paramount Plus) – This documentary focuses on the story of Briana Scurry, the only Black starter and first openly gay Women’s soccer player to play on the national team.

Riding With Sugar (Tubi) – A young refugee embarks on a quest for BMX glory and the pursuit of identity, safety, happiness and love. These are still the real ones, folks.

The Bob’s Burgers Movie (HBOMax) – Sorry if you went out to see this last month. Check this out before it’s deleted from the app while you’re watching it!

ArmyCop (Buggle) – Buggle has assured its angry subscribers that ArmyCop will be the high profile release that justifies their subscribing to the service that was touted as a ‘Netflix Killer,’ when it debuted last year. Since then, however, there’s been a minimum of original content, but this gritty military action crime drama promises to have it all. Based on the 2016 best seller Daniel Zack: My Life as an ArmyCop.

You’ve Got to be Kidding Me! (Kanopy) – You might not know about Kanopy, but you can access this incredible (and free) streaming service with any library card. Home to classics, foreign films, and arthouse fare, there’s an abundance of options to check out, including this upcoming Holocaust documentary that is nothing short of riveting.

Thank You, Thomas Huffman From Massachusetts (CNN+) – CNN put this extended thank-you video on their platform to honor their lone remaining subscriber this month. Pretty sweet if you ask me. Catch this before it’s too late, which is any day now. Recommended if you are Thomas Huffman from Massachusetts!

Taken 6 – (Starz Play) This time they get his wallet!

Chris Kattan & Friends: Gettin’ Silly Up Here! (Seeso) – We didn’t know Seeso still existed and aren’t sure how to access it, but there’s a new Chris Kattan special dropping!

Beverly Hills Cop 4 (Quibi Films) – Quibi is back as a full length feature film streaming service and has spent over $120 million dollars to bring Eddie Murphy back as Axel Foley and, oh, actually, I just got a notification that Quibi Films has gone under. Damn.

Locked in the Garage (PlutoTV) – This Pluto original wears its low budget on its sleeve with a convoluted plot that involves a man (played by Mario Lopez) who locks himself in his garage and spends the movie’s run time calling people and asking what he should do.

Unstoppable (Unstoppable+) Like all months on Unstoppable+, 2010’s better-than-you-remembered Denzel Washington led Unstoppable is the only movie on the platform. We can’t imagine why you’d continue to subscribe to this service, but if it snuck past you another month, maybe watch Unstoppable again? I’m telling you, it’s pretty good!

Sharky Waters (FreeVee) – Okay, so Amazon spun off something called iMBDtv, which was a movie website turned streaming service (that has new episodes of the Judge Judy TV show), but now that has turned into FreeVee. And while I’m not sure I got that all the way right, I am sure that FreeVee is the only streaming app where you can find this shark movie starring Sean Spicer and Hulk Hogan’s daughter.

ESPN Presents: Dan Marino: The 5-Dog Game (ESPN+) – This insightful documentary sees the legendary quarterback himself discuss the infamous 1995 game against the San Diego Chargers wherein he ingested five hot dogs shortly before kickoff, mistakenly thinking he hadn’t been medically cleared to start. Featuring archival footage and new interviews, many critics have called The 5-Dog Game one of the best documentaries of the year.

There’s a Quid in the Loo (AcornTV) – The British streaming service is throwing its hat into the original movie game, with this film about a bank employee that tries to flush a fortune into the sewer and discover it later.

Femme Triste le Matin (The Criterion Channel) – This four and a half hour Cannes entry from French auteur François Beaufort examines a marriage falling apart for a decade. There is a 20 minute scene of sad people eating breakfast halfway through that you have to see to believe.

My Summer of Love and Predictable Storm Patterns (The Weather Channel) These monthly TWC exclusive films are usually pretty tedious, full length films that amount to little more than characters discussing the weather, but this one has some charming scenes that elevate it ahead of some of their other offerings this year, such as Sunny Days, Stormy Nights and Hurricane Mom.

My Favorite Fish (Long John Silver’s MAX) – Yes, this is another full length commercial for Long John Silver’s disguised as a madcap comedy, this one about a group of sailors stranded on an island with nothing but delicious Long John Silver’s products. Not without its highlights, this one is worth watching for Coolio’s surprisingly poignant turn as Admiral Tartar Q. Hushpuppy alone.

Hardly Workin’ (Redbox Mobile App) – Holograms of Tupac Shakur and John Candy star in this side splitting comedy about two ex-cons who lie on their resume and find themselves managing a fast food restaurant. You gotta figure out some weird Redbox app to watch this one. I did, and it was well worth it!

Jesus Slaps! (Kirk Plus Brought to You By Kirk Cameron) Kirk Cameron wrote, directed, stars, edited, produced, and wrote the songs for this downright embarrassing attempt at making the bible appeal to a new generation. Worth viewing for the abysmal “All My Homies Love Eating Communion” rap.

Best Morty MultiVersus Combos, Strategies, and Perks

Posted on August 26, 2022 by Parker Johnson

Morty, of Rick and Morty fame, joined MultiVersus’ combatants on Aug 23. Categorized as a Bruiser, Morty is closer to a Mage in many ways. His moveset mostly revolves around utility, with interesting projectiles and buffs that he can provide to his teammates. There is still a lot to learn about Morty this early into his release, but these basic tips and strategies can help you get started with Rick’s anxious grandson.

**Morty MultiVersus Moveset Overview**

Morty has a ton of unique moves in his kit that have potential to shake up the MultiVersus meta. From grenades that can be used as creative traps, to being able to spawn a whole platform, Morty has a ton of utility. Using these interesting moves can create crazy projectile play that complements the current meta of MultiVersus.

Neutral Ground Attack: Morty uses a blaster shot to hit enemies and knocks them back. On cooldown, damage is reduced and it has no knockback. This attack will also lock on and detonate any active grenades from Morty’s Neutral Special.
Side Ground Attack: Morty hits enemies in a three-hit combo. He swings his muscular arm, Armothy, for two hits, then unleashes a final hit with Hammerhead Morty. The final Hammerhead hit has massive launch power, but landing the full combo can be a bit finicky. Alternatively, to finish the combo, you can use a Neutral Ground Attack input to finish the combo with a long range whip.
Up Ground Attack: Morty shoots his blaster upwards. This shares the same cooldown and effects as the Neutral Ground Attack. The main difference is that this attack will not detonate grenades.
Down Ground Attack: Morty charges his Plumbus, and scrubs the floor with it. The Plumbus will stay active as long as you hold the attack button. Any enemies hit with the Plumbus will also be weakened.
Neutral Air Attack: This attack is the same as the Neutral Ground Attack.
Side Air Attack: Morty uses an axe chop forward to slash enemies. This input can be pressed again for a second combo hit. The first chop covers a large area but isn’t very powerful, while the second slash has less range but deals heavier damage and knockback.
Up Air Attack: Morty uses the power of fire above him. This move deals decent damage and burns the enemy to deal damage over time.
Down Air Attack: Morty swings Armothy downwards to spike his enemy. One of Morty’s most effective options for eliminating opposition is spiking them onto the stage. At high damage, the momentum will knock the enemy into the top blast zone.

Neutral Special: Morty throws a grenade. This grenade can be hit by allies or enemies to move the grenade around the stage. The grenade has a set cook time, after which it will detonate. Alternatively, the grenade can be detonated by the player who threw it by using Neutral Ground or Neutral Air attacks. Morty can have three charges of this grenade at a time. Each grenade has cooldown time. The cooldown works similarly to Tracer’s Blink ability in Overwatch.
Side Special (Ground): Morty can aim and summon a spire of rock from the floor of the stage. This weakens enemies, and launches them towards Morty. Because of the launch trajectory, this move is a great combo starter. In addition, if you hit your grenade with the spire, it will split the grenade in two. If you do it to an opponent Morty’s grenade, it will split and become yours.
Side Special (Air): In the air, Morty’s Side Special becomes a portal. Morty can aim this portal, and stalls in the air with armor while aiming it. If the move isn’t on cooldown, it also spawns a square portal that speeds up any ally projectiles that pass through it significantly.
Up Special: Morty summons his grandpa Rick’s spaceship from below. This spaceship acts as a makeshift platform, and continually rises. Not only does this move act as a great recovery option, but it can also do a few other things. Morty can use it as a way to get rid of Jerry from the Tom & Jerry duo, using the platform to rise up and take him away. This spaceship can also be utilized as a bumper, letting Morty use his powerful Down Air Attack to bounce enemies off of the ship and K.O. them much earlier.
Down Special: Morty’s Down Special lets him create a temporal copy of himself. After pressing the input again, or after a set period of time, Morty returns to the copy and heals himself. He also deals damage in the area where his copy was, and leaves a grenade at his final location before teleporting back.

One other thing to note about Morty’s kit is his passive ability. This ability lets Morty give allies a grenade when he overlaps with them. This works similarly to LeBron James’ basketball passing mechanic. However, this ability is currently disabled due to a bug. It will be returning in a future patch.

**Best Morty MultiVersus Combos**

Morty has a few reliable combos to turn to. Lobbing grenades from distance behind a durable teammate is usually Morty’s safest place. When Morty gets into close combat, though, here are some of his best combos to rack up damage.

Down Air into Up Air (low damage): At low damage, Down Air into Up Air is a simple and quick combo that can load up damage on enemies. This is especially helpful since Morty’s Up Air sets enemies aflame, making them take additional damage over time.

Down Air into Up Ground Attack (high damage): When at higher damage, Down Air will bounce the opponent much higher. When this happens, you can instead utilize Morty’s Up Ground Attack instead of his Up Air. This will work even if Morty isn’t directly below the enemy, as the blast will split off into two snakes that can hit the opponent in either direction.

Side Ground Attack (Hit 1), Side Special, Side Ground Attack: This is a great combo to throw enemies off their expectations. Use the first hit of Morty’s Side Ground Attack. This will knock enemies back slightly, but not too much. Then, instead of the second hit, aim and use Morty’s Side Special. This attack will bring Morty back into you, allowing you to use your Side Ground Attack again. This time, use the full combo on your enemies, and charge the third Hammerhead Morty attack for maximum damage and launching power.

Side Air (Hit 1) Into Neutral Attack: When Morty’s opponent is on the ground, a short up with a charged ax can combo into Morty’s blaster. The blaster can be utilized either in midair or on the ground. As long as this attack isn’t on cooldown, it will also deal some knockback to the enemy. Just be wary this combo isn’t used while a grenade is active, or the blaster will lock onto that instead.

How to Win 2v2 Battles as Morty

Despite his Bruiser classification, Morty has great ranged potential that makes him a perfect MultiVersus partner. He’s best teamed up with a scrappy brawler, who can cause trouble in close quarters while Morty sets up his grenades. Here are some of Morty’s best partners:

Wonder Woman (Tank)
Shaggy (Bruiser)
All Assassin Characters
Iron Giant (Tank)

In team battles, Morty does his best work from the backlines, lobbing grenades and hitting them into enemies. One thing to keep in mind is when using your Neutral Special, by holding the button, you can use your left stick to aim it up or down while charging. In the chaos of team battles, try throwing the grenade at Morty’s feet. By doing this, you can use his Side Attack to hit the grenade into the fray, giving it an active hitbox on its path.

Another thing to keep in mind is to be mindful of your teammates. With the flexibility of Morty’s kit, it’s possible to get in the way of teammates’ combos. In particular, Morty’s Up Special is great for disrupting enemies. But, also keep in mind that this ship can just as easily throw your ally off of their own combo.

How to Win 1v1 Battles as Morty in MultiVersus

One-on-one battles as Morty are a bit trickier than duos. With a partner, Morty can serve a support role to rack up damage while his ally does the heavy lifting with knockouts. Without an ally, though, Morty will have some trouble.

Morty’s kit has a major way to make up for this deficit, though. Using his movement tools, mainly his Side Special and Up Special, he can edge guard with little risk. As long as Morty stays above his opponent, and his Up Special isn’t on cooldown, Morty can chase his opponent with a lot of aggression. Utilize his Down Air and Side Air attacks off-stage to try and get early kills to offset his relatively weak kill power on stage.

Morty Best Perks

Morty’s common strategies revolve around his grenade projectiles. Because of this, his perks help augment this, as well as the other abilities at his disposal. Here are Morty’s best perks, in both one-on-one battles and teams battles.

Morty’s Best Perks (one-on-one and teams):

Triple Jump (can be trained at level 9)
That’s Flammable, Doc! (can be trained at level 9)
I Dodge You Dodge We All Dodge (can be trained at level 9)
Coffeezilla (unlocked at level 13)
Signature Perk: Oh That’s Still A Grenade (unlocked at level 10)

Triple Jump has become one of the most popular perks in the meta. It especially helps Morty too. This extra jump will help Morty be even more aggressive in his edge guarding. That’s Flammable, Doc will help Morty’s projectiles deal even more damage. After being hit with a projectile into melee attack combo, Morty’s opponent will be temporarily ignited.

Coffeezilla is a no-brainer for Morty. With so many of his special attacks reliant on cooldowns, reducing them is crucial. Because of this, it may also be helpful to replace That’s Flammable, Doc! with the perk I Dodge You Dodge We All Dodge. This will reduce Morty’s cooldowns when he dodges attacks. Finally, Morty’s best signature perk is Oh That’s Still A Grenade. This will increase Morty’s explosion radius the longer it cooks. The signature perk I’m More Than Just A Hammer is tempting to improve Hammerhead Morty’s damage. But ultimately, as long as you play Morty from a distance, larger grenade radius is too big of a benefit to ignore.

Overall, Morty MultiVersus moveset is completely unexpected. They’re all great references to the show. These references helped create what is arguably MultiVersus’ most inventive character to date. Explosive projectiles and the ability to create his own platform make this character rife with possibilities. It wouldn’t be surprising to see this character have a meteoric rise to success long after release like Minecraft’s Steve in Super Smash Bros. Ultimate. With these basic combos, strategies, and perks, perhaps you could be the one to unlock Morty’s true potential and rise to the top of the MultiVersus ladder.