Carlos Cadorniga, Author at Hard Drive

How to Move Faster in Starfield: Boost Jump Movement Guide

Posted on September 12, 2023 by Michelle Pereira

Loving Starfield but want to know how to move faster on the ground? Well, here’s a novel method to greatly speed up those long journeys across planets. This Starfield guide will show you how to access a variation of the standard boost jump you’ve been using so far.

Bind Secret Boost Jump To A Key: Starfield

It really is that simple. On PC, access the menu, then navigate to Settings, followed by Bindings. Scroll down a little to the key binding for Jump, which by default is SPACE under the “MAIN KEY” column. Do not modify it, as you will need its verticality in other situations. Instead, click the empty binding under the “ALT KEY” column. Assign a key of your choosing. Ideally, this would be a key close to the spacebar, since it will function as your alternate boost jump maneuver, but you could also use an unassigned mouse button. Once you’ve set that up, head back to the game.

Note: Due to keybinds being necessary, this method unfortunately only works on PC.

Testing Your New Boost Jump Method To Move Faster in Starfield

Press the spacebar to initiate a normal unpowered jump, followed by your alternate boost jump key, though you can also opt to double tap the latter. Whereas the regular boost jump has more of a vertical trajectory, the alternate boost jump catapults you much farther horizontally without gaining as much in the way of height. Combine with running or sprinting and you will cover a lot more distance now. Moreover, you also have a much greater range of motion while in the air when paired with a direction key, allowing for some very high agility and mobility, especially in boost jump combat. With the right skills and Boostpack combo as well as some practice, you can viably circle strafe the opposition while remaining airborne.

How to Move Faster in Starfield: Best Boostpack

The Skip Capacity Boostpack is the natural choice, since it is designed for staying aloft to begin with and has fast fuel regeneration for more consecutive thrusts. A close second is the Balanced Boostpack for slightly less forward momentum. The Basic Boostpack is better than the Power Boostpack if it comes down to a choice between the two, since the latter will still launch you much more vertically than horizontally, and expend almost the entirety of its fuel reserves in a single thrust, while also regenerating the slowest of all Boostpacks. Keep in mind that planetary gravity plays a role in optimal Boostpack selection and usage as well.

Starfield Boost Pack Training Skill

While you will require Rank 1 in this skill to even make use of Boostpacks, Ranks 2 and 3 are when you will start to really enjoy boost jump strafing, with Boostpacks using less fuel and regenerating fuel much quicker, respectively. Rank 4 is the cherry on top, and doubles the effect of both. The Challenge to unlock each rank is simply using boost jump during combat–ten, twenty, and fifty times.

Starfield Boost Assault Training Skill

This skill is not necessary if you only intend to use the secret boost jump method for map traversal. But if you do invest in it, it will allow you to knockdown or set enemies on fire when you boost, as well as hover and even activate a kind of bullet-time effect while suspended in the air.

That’s everything you need to know about the alternate boost jump method in Starfield. While you’re here, check out the lowdown on New Game Plus in Starfield!

All the Mainline Yakuza Games Ranked, Because That’s All I Could Afford

Posted on September 12, 2023 by Christian Harrison

When you think of games that release new entries nearly every year, you might think of series like Pokémon or Call of Duty, but there are also series that actually get better with each new game. RGG Studios’ Yakuza franchise, now Like a Dragon, started with humble origins like its protagonist before evolving in nearly every way in subsequent games.

The series was fairly unknown in the West until as recently as the release of Yakuza: Like a Dragon, which coincided with the remastered prequels gaining further recognition due to ease of access. Unfortunately, there are two spin-off characters at this point in the series, plus there’s the games where we go to an alternate dimension where Kiryu is a Samurai and Majima is… basically still Majima.

There’s also the character that’s a detective on the other side of the law as Kiryu and friends. Those are the Judgement games, but they just ported those games to PC and I haven’t got to play them yet, so that’s on RGG. Regardless, it shares many of the same themes, which is a deeply dramatic story intercut by intense arcade or karaoke sessions to lessen the tension caused by your friend dying roughly 20 minutes before.

Due to the price of games today and regional differences in releases, we’re just going to be ranking the main Yakuza games, post-remaster, into the most recent Yakuza: Like a Dragon. Thankfully this got greenlit before Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth, (see: Yakuza 8) so nothing RGG Studios can do about us calling the series by its God-given name until then.

If you disagree with any of these rankings feel free to meet me on the streets of Kamurocho outside of the Don Quixote at sunset tomorrow. Yakuza 1 and Yakuza 2 are #10 and #9, respectively, because they didn’t get remasters and are therefore not worthy of our consideration. Also, I can’t afford them right now.

#8 – Yakuza 4 Remastered

RGG took the number in this game’s title a little too seriously, seeing as standard protagonist Kiryu has to share the spotlight with three other people. Each character experiences their own mini-story before it all culminates with, you guessed it, another one of Kiryu’s new friends getting shot intentionally. While gun statistics show that America is one of the most likely places to get shot, the second most likely place is anywhere within 10 feet of Kazuma Kiryu in the final hour of a Yakuza game. While it does a great job of providing a new perspective, it doesn’t provide anything new outside of that.

The mini-games are kind of lame, but there is evolved content over Yakuza 3, including new golf levels that feel like they require as much luck as skill. There are also 11 new songs that you can cycle through before you end up landing on Machine Gun Kiss for the thirtieth time.

Where to Play: PlayStation, Xbox, Steam, and sometimes on eBay between a broken Nintendo Switch and six loose Amiibo’s.

#7 – Yakuza 3 Remastered

So if you’re playing the games in order like this idiot did, you might be completely unprepared for the stark difference in polish coming off of Yakuza 0, Kiwami 1, and Kiwami 2. It’s not a bad game and I would die for those kids if they asked, and kill for them for even less, but just be prepared for a harder time navigating. That being said, I did amazing the first time the golf minigame showed up with that city council big wig, and then Kiryu manipulated a man who hurt his children. A little lighter than my suggested approach, but Kiryu is a patient king.

While it’s rough to play, at least you spend the entire game playing as one of the actual main characters, with some plot lines building off of what happened in the first two titles. The mini-games are pretty basic, but it’s the first time the Morning Glory area is introduced and that’s important for at least one more game.

Where to Play: PlayStation, Xbox, Steam, and that one physical game store that’s managed to survive in your town because it’s also a drug front.

#6 – Yakuza 5 Remastered

While this game also shows that there was a period of time when RGG forgot where their butter is breaded by splitting the focus to multiple story threads, Yakuza 5 is one of the more expansive titles in length and number of locations. Just like in Yakuza 4, players will go through different narrative stories in the deteriorated shoes of the four characters from the previous game. This includes the first playable appearance of Kiryu’s surrogate daughter, Haruka. She’s an icon with a whole dance battle segment to prove it.

As is standard, the minigame selection is expanded, with some games having multiple locations around the five different neighborhoods. Some Club SEGA locations even have a collaboration with the Taiko No Tatsujin that’s almost as addicting as the karaoke and dance rhythm games, which is why they removed it in subsequent titles.

Where to Play: PlayStation, Xbox, and Steam. Your friend’s cool older brother probably has a copy somewhere too.

#5 – Yakuza 6: The Song of Life

Fortunately, Yakuza 6 was released as recently as 2018, which means that it doesn’t suffer from the same pitfalls as the previous three on this list, which is a mercy. What also works in this title’s favor is returning the focus to the series staple in the ultimate conclusion of his journey… until he returns in Like a Dragon: Gaiden and Like a Dragon: Infinite Wealth in the next year, but that doesn’t count. While RGG didn’t reveal it at the time, this would be the last real Yakuza game, with Yakuza: Like a Dragon serving as a transition title ahead of the new name formula moving forward.

That being said, it’s RGG’s most polished vision of its most successful series outside of remakes, remasters, and prequels, so rightfully in the middle of the list. There is a weird mini-game where Kiryu talks to cam-girls in the horniest thing to come out of Japan since we started Smashin’ Bros.

Where to Play: PlayStation, Xbox, Steam, also probably game retail. It only came out five years ago.

#4 – Yakuza Kiwami 2

If you’ve made it this far, you’ve finally started hitting the good stuff, with both of the Yakuza Kiwami titles being faithful recreations of the stories that started it all. Not only that, but they’re also up to the quality of Yakuza 6, 7, and 0, which isn’t easy. Without giving too much away, Kiwami 2 builds on the first game by showing how Kiryu deals with his new lifestyle of loss with Haruka, struggling to tackle a new round of chaos after only a year off.

The mini-games in this title are largely the same as Kiwami, but the emotional songs in the karaoke sections have an extra layer of depth due to it being the sequel. You’ll have a hard time seeing the controls through your tears while RGG snickers over its unbelievably high piles of money.

Where to Play: PlayStation, Xbox, or Steam for about $20. Worth.

#3 – Yakuza Kiwami

This is a faithful recreation of the Yakuza game that started it all, showing Kazuma Kiryu as he willingly takes the fall for his best friends and spends over a decade in prison. Would you risk constant assassination for three years to protect your best friend? Kiryu would. Even after it’s proven that this was kind of in vain when he’s released early in the game, he still works to help his friends until the last second. A much better friend than someone who kisses your girlfriend while you’re on vacation… Steven.

While Yakuza Kiwami is a little light on mini-games, there’s plenty to do across the city. However, the real appeal is the story, which honestly shattered me in every sense of the word. For being so damned melodramatic, I would give anything to write a story half as effective as the story in the original Yakuza title.

Where to Play: PlayStation, Xbox, or Steam. You could also fight someone on the street and hope that it randomly drops when you defeat them.

#2 – Yakuza: Like a Dragon

This is the most recent main entry into the Yakuza series, with a new title expected to be released sometime in 2024. It changes up the formula of past titles, introducing a new turn-based combat that is way more fun as it evolves, and it’s pretty damn fun at the start. The story isn’t the best in the series, but taking on the new protagonist Ichiban as a way to move the series forward is a genius move.

The depth and extent of the mini-games are nothing less than shocking with how impressive they are. The building management game is incredible and I would play an entire series of management simulators if RGG made them, but they’re too dedicated to making each little experience in these games perfect.

Where to Play: PlayStation, Steam, or Xbox. It’s one of the most recent titles and it’s $60 before tax, so uh… be warned of that.

#1 – Yakuza 0

Remember how I complained earlier about RGG Studio not recognizing when they had a good protagonist and sticking with it? They showed a clear opposite in this when they created a dichotic story where you play equally as Kiryu and pre-insanity Goro Majima, which is like a flower that is just beginning to sprout. In fact, players actually get to play through Majima’s story and see what has driven him insane in a really strong start to any Yakuza series playthrough.

What’s even better about Yakuza 0 is it takes place all the way back in 1985, which means that Kiryu, Majima, and their trips around Kamurocho and Sotenbori are heavily reminiscent of that time. There aren’t any Karaoke mini-games in this title, instead focusing on a disco dancing game instead. It was a rich time in Japan, and this is apparent in the millions of Yen that fall out of your opponent’s pockets when they stub their toes, but everything is also incredibly expensive.

Where to Play: PlayStation, Xbox, Steam. Time travel back to the 1980s and live on the streets of Tokyo as you work to defend your clan’s honor against those who seek to harm it.

Silent Protagonist Actually Kinda Chill Once You Get to Know Him

Posted on September 12, 2023 by Cameron Snow

COLUMBUS, Ohio — Realizing his initial judgment of the character was inaccurate, local gamer Troy McKenzie discovered that The Legend of Zelda’s silent protagonist Link is actually a pretty laid-back guy if you give him a chance.

“My first playthrough of Tears of the Kingdom was painfully awkward,” said McKenzie. “Link didn’t utter a single word the entire time. He clearly had his walls up, but I could sense there was a deeper bond waiting to be forged. And sure enough, after 900 silent hours in the game, completely out of nowhere, he was all like ‘Damn, Ganondorf needs to take that stick out of his ass, am I right?’ and we both just burst out laughing. And that’s the thing about Link: he’s actually chill as hell. He’s also got this dry sense of humor that catches you off guard, but he only shows it once you’re around your twelfth playthrough.”

Nintendo game director Shigeru Miyamoto clarified that Link’s sudden talkativeness was a deliberate design choice.

“People always think we made Link silent so the player could project their own thoughts and feelings onto the character,” said Miyamoto. “But let me tell you, that couldn’t be further from the truth. Link can talk, okay? It’s just that most of you don’t give the guy a goddamn chance. You’d rather him stand there while you project all your bullshit onto him, which probably just makes it harder for him to open up. Selfish bastards.”

Avid gamer Ada Costello has managed to crack open several silent protagonists across numerous franchises.

“It’s all about having patience and finding the right moment,” said Costello. “You just need to learn what they like. For example, Gordon Freeman can talk physics for days, and it’s fascinating. And Doomguy? We’ve spent hours debating the merits of the double-barrel shotgun over the plasma rifle. All these guys are surprisingly mellow once they’re comfortable around you. It’s like they’ve been waiting their whole lives for someone to just listen.”

When reached for comment, Link said nothing.

Influencer With Dwindling Charisma Respecs Into Bigotry

Posted on September 12, 2023 by Brad Waters

OAKLAND, Calif. — Popular Twitch streamer and YouTube creator KingOfAllW0rlds has been met with scrutiny lately, which means he’s about to get a whole lot worse.

“Well, after you get criticised as a white guy in content creation it’s like, where do you go? NFTs? Racism? Crypto? Transphobia? I decided, yes,” said the streamer in a now-viral clip. “So if all the snowflakes and attack helicopters on Twitter don’t like me anymore — that’s fine. I’m just gonna tell it like it is. For example, women should not be allowed to ever tell me — a man, what to do. That right is exclusively reserved for my gorgeous, sultry, shapely and if I may say so; handsome teammates.”

Though polarizing some, many fans of the streamer vocalized that they’d still be supporting him, despite his respec into bigotry.

“He’s totally changing things up and it fuckin’ rips, bro,” said Malcolm Childs, a devout, longtime KingOfAllW0rlds viewer. “He’s not gonna let the status quo tell him what to do and what to say anymore. That’s reserved for RAID: Shadow Legends and RAID: Shadow Legends only! Get that sponsorship bag, baby! He’s used to being under fire, it happens to him all the time in the game. Now he’s getting aggressive and fighting back, especially against all those people who suggested he might be misinformed about that one thing he said!”

In a later interview with an online publication, the embattled influencer outlined a grand vision for his change in personality.

“It can be content, y’know?” said KingOfAllW0rlds. “It can be part of my brand that I think non-binary people are an assault to my personal freedom or whatever. Well, that and my funky shades. 20% off on my store, people! Hahaha.”

Shortly after the interview went live and it became public that he’d been unfaithful to his wife, KingOfAllW0rlds called his new demeanour “a great respec”, and claimed to have pulled it off so successfully he may as well have a doctorate.

Google Unsure What Ads to Give Boring Hobbyless Husk of a Man

Posted on September 12, 2023 by Cameron Snow

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. — Scratching their heads in bewilderment, Google’s marketing team reportedly struggled to decide which advertisements to give boring, hobbyless husk of a man, Brad Hawthorne.

“Typically, we cater a user’s ads based on their preferences and interests, but Mr. Hawthorne seems to distinctly lack both of those,” explained Google marketing strategist Kate Quillen, furrowing her brow. “In fact, there’s no evidence that this sad little empty shell does anything at all. And we’ve tried our best, really. We even eavesdropped on his phone, but all we could hear was a fan blowing in the background, and him occasionally clearing his throat.”

Hawthorne was surprised to receive a special message from Google in place of an advertisement.

“Hm, what is this? ‘Sorry, but personalized ads require a personality’,” muttered Hawthorne, squinting at his screen. “I don’t have a personality? Nonsense! I have all kinds of interesting quirks and hobbies! For example, uh… there’s… uh, well… I have a novelty coffee mug on my desk! Is that something? Or what about yearning for a more fulfilling existence? I’m pretty sure I’m the world champion at that! See, Google, I’ve got plenty of things going for me!”

Google CEO Sundar Pichai expressed frustration as more hobbyless users continue to pop up.

“Every day, we come across more users who have no data whatsoever,” said Google CEO Sundar Pichai. “Their only location history is them going back and forth from their home and work, and their only purchase history is a really loud box fan. We’re talking about individuals who have never even gone bowling or fly fishing. These people are truly impossible to advertise to, and are damaging our bottom line every single day. Our entire model relies on people liking things, so come on guys, go carve a pumpkin or something, I don’t fuckin’ know.”

As of press time, Hawthorne finally stepped out of his comfort zone by switching to Bing.

What Is the Most Popular Anime in Each State?

Posted on September 12, 2023 by Kevin Podas

Anime has come a long way in popularity over the years. What was once a niche hobby enjoyed exclusively by antisocial weirdos, is now enjoyed by a mainstream populace of antisocial weirdos the whole world over. And thanks to the advent of things like Toonami, DVD boxsets, and streaming services, anime has had its fair share of success in America especially. Today we’ll take a look at what we’ve determined are the most popular anime in each state of the US.

Alabama: Fruits Basket

For whatever reason, Alabama just really loves Fruits Basket, an anime that is rife with plotlines that involve romancing one’s own cousin.

Alaska: Vinland Saga

The stories of vikings traveling the world and enduring harsh climates is very relatable to Alaskans, who suffer through brutal weather conditions just to get to their local Wal-Mart.

Arizona: Chainsaw Man

The sun tends to fry people’s brains in Arizona, so a lot of people can probably relate to Chainsaw Man’s protagonist Denji, who may or may not have a few screws loose. “He’s just like me FR,” they say.

Arkansas: Cardcaptor Sakura

The home state of Bill Clinton just loves the story of Sakura Kinomoto, a schoolgirl who has to retrieve a set of magical cards. Matter of fact, a lot of series by manga artist group Clamp are fairly popular there.

California: Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken!

There’s nothing Hollywood loves more than movies about making movies. So naturally, California loves the closest thing to that in anime: Keep Your Hands Off Eizouken!, which is an anime about making an anime. Meta!

Colorado: Gintama

I’ve never been to Colorado and I’ve never seen Gintama, but people sure do seem to love both of them a lot. They probably toke up and enjoy the comedic antics of Gintoki Sakata and his friends, I imagine.

Connecticut: Yu Yu Hakusho

Sandwiched in between New York and Massachusetts, this east coast state with a chip on its shoulder absolutely loves Yu Yu Hakusho. They probably appreciate and respect Yusuke Urameshi’s school punk, don’t-take-shit attitude.

Delaware: Slam Dunk

When people think ‘anime’, they probably don’t think of sports immediately. There are a lot of great sports anime out there though, a fact that clearly hasn’t gone over Delawarians’(?) heads and their love for Slam Dunk.

Florida: JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure

I mean, what’s more “bizarre” than Florida, am I right? This generation-spanning series is incredibly popular in Florida, probably thanks in large part to the fact that Part 6: Stone Ocean takes place there. Not a lot of other anime would be willing to use Florida as a major story setting, I imagine.

Georgia: Beastars

Georgia absolutely eats up Beastars, a series about anthropomorphic animals that go to high school together. Maybe there’s a lot of furries in Georgia? I don’t know. Let us know in the comments if you’re a furry who lives in Georgia.

Hawaii: Dorohedoro

Hawaii is always kinda doing their own thing, since, you know, they can’t hang out with all of us continental states over here. Dorohedoro is an anime that isn’t concerned with what everyone else is doing either, free to be as weird and wild as it wants to be.

Idaho: One-Punch Man

The farmers of Idaho pretty much idolize Saitama’s strength to defeat anyone in a single punch, and maybe they like that his bald head looks like a potato or something. I don’t know. What else is Idaho famous for besides potatoes, I got nothing.

Illinois: Naruto

The story of a down-on-his-luck ninja who rose to prominence despite his limitations is relatable to many people from Illinois, including the former hokage of Chicago herself: Lori Lightfoot!

Indiana: Berserk

Berserk is a story of enduring struggle, hardships, and intense misery, which are themes that people who are forced to live in Indiana might be able to relate to just a little bit.

Iowa: Mob Psycho 100

What’s wrong with being ordinary? Is everyone as special as they think they are? Mob Psycho 100’s stories and themes resonate greatly with the citizens of Iowa, who are completely okay with just being another “fly-over state”.

Kansas: Samurai Champloo

The Sunflower State loves the plot to Samurai Champloo, which sees the characters set out on a journey to find the Sunflower Samurai. There are more than enough sunflower fields present in the show for them to pretend like the characters are in Kansas instead of 17th century Japan.

Kentucky: Legend of the Galactic Heroes

Kentucky takes their anime pretty seriously apparently, hailing this classic series as an absolute pinnacle of the medium. If you place anything else higher up on your MyAnimeList profile, they’ll kick you out of the state so fast your head will spin.

Louisiana: Food Wars

Louisiana is known for their exquisite cuisine and southern home cooking, so it’s no surprise that Food Wars is the most popular there. Honestly I don’t even know if they’ve seen it or if they just saw the word “Food” and got hungry.

Maine: Death Note

Thanks to Stephen King, there’s nothing that the residents of Maine love more than a good old fashioned spooky story. And what’s spookier than a suspenseful thriller about a kid who gets a notebook with the power to kill anyone? …Now I’m suddenly starting to see why they tried to ban this manga in school libraries.

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Mortal Kombat 1 Release Time Guide: When Does MK1 Come Out?

Posted on September 12, 2023 by Noah Hunter

If you’re a fan of fighting games, you’re probably looking forward to the upcoming release time of Mortal Kombat 1. The latest title from NetherRealm Studios looks to reset the timeline (again) with Liu Kang at the helm. Plenty of fan favorites return in MK1, such as Reptile and Smoke. Additionally, an all-new Kameo system has been revealed that allows you to call in fighters during matches. The release date is almost here, but when exactly can you play Mortal Kombat 1? Here’s what you need to know.

Mortal Kombat 1 Release Time

The release date may differ depending on what edition of the game you have purchased. If you purchase the Premium Edition of the game, you will gain access to it a whole five days early. So, this means that starting September 14, Mortal Kombat 1 will be playable for Premium Edition owners. The first Kombat Pack is also included in this edition of the game, and it will retail for $109.99 USD.

For everyone else buying the standard edition, you will be able to play the game on September 19. This goes for all platforms the game is available on. Below, you can find the exact timing of when you can play MK1 for early access and its worldwide release.

Early Access Release Time

September 14 @ 10 AM PDT

September 14 @ 12 PM CDT

September 14 @ 1 PM EDT

Standard Edition Release Time

September 18 @ 9 PM PDT

September 18 @ 11 PM CDT

September 19 @ 12 AM EDT

Mortal Kombat 1 Preload Information

As for preloading, you can expect to be able to preload Mortal Kombat 1 around 48 hours prior to the game’s release. For Early Access owners, this also applies to you. So, this allows for enough time to download the entirety of the game regardless of how fast your internet may be.

Mortal Kombat 1 will release worldwide on September 19, 2023. You can purchase the game on PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X|S, PC via Steam, and Nintendo Switch.

Clarence Thomas Pauses Supreme Court Hearing to Thank Twitch Donors

Posted on September 11, 2023 by Cameron Snow

WASHINGTON — Abruptly taking a moment away from the highest court’s deliberation, sources have confirmed that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas paused a hearing to thank the top-contributing donors in his Twitch stream.

“Thanks for the bits, haha_Harlan,” said Thomas, diverting his attention from the hearing to celebratorily dance before reading more names. “Thank you for the sub, squid_jimmy, and shoutout to TJ for always sticking with the stream. Remember, chat, every single dollar we raise helps shape a better future. And by future, I mean dollar margarita night is going to go fucking bonkers tonight. Now put a thumbs up in the chat if you want to see me block student debt relief!”

The Supreme Court Justice’s stream has garnered a large, devoted following, with viewership rivaling the most popular gaming channels on Twitch.

“This is democracy at its finest,” said Evan Beaumont, one of the stream’s highest donors. “Why should we even vote in the election when you can donate directly to Mr. Thomas and tip the scales of justice in real time? Plus, if you donate more than 5000 bits, he says your name and does a funny little jig – talk about incentivizing civic participation!”

Thomas’ fellow justices disapproved of his antics.

“We’re not upset that Clarence is live-streaming our hearings on Twitch. That’s fine. What irks us is that he’s hoarding all the goddamn profits for himself,” remarked Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor. “What about the other justices, huh? Where’s our cut? Don’t make us start our own streams, Clarence. We’ll dilute your audience, and then you’ll be nothing. Or better yet, we could impeach you for violating Twitch’s terms and agreements.”

As of press time, Clarence Thomas has signed a $100 million dollar deal to exclusively stream hearings on Kick.

Every NFL Starting Quarterback’s Favorite Video Game

Posted on September 11, 2023 by Kyle Duggan

As week one of the NFL comes to a close, we noticed that everyone is writing about this stuff, but it’s all matchups this and final fantasy football that. No one is asking the important questions, like what is every starting quarterback’s favorite video game. Except us. We’re asking that. Check it out!

**Arizona Cardinals — Joshua Dobbs (Kyler Murray on PUP to start the season): None**

Dobbs is terrified of video games. He’s pretty sure that not playing video games is the only reason he has a spot on the roster.

Atlanta Falcons — Desmond Ridder: Rune Factory 5

It’s not a great game. It’s not even a great entry in the series. But hey, it’s competent enough to hold down the franchise until the next entry comes along.

Baltimore Ravens — Lamar Jackson: Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2 (Game Boy Advance)

While the GBA was an incredible handheld, you wouldn’t think that it had the right tools to run a Tony Hawk game. Not only would you be wrong, but it turns out that the Tony Hawk games would be among the greatest GBA games of all time. Go figure.

Buffalo Bills — Josh Allen: Farm Simulator 2023

Allen reportedly puts on his old jeans and a ragged flannel before sitting down alongside a Labrador retriever to play this game. His family sits and waits for him to have a “good year” before they can eat dinner.

Carolina Panthers — Bryce Young: Minecraft: Java Edition

Young insists that the Java Edition is the only version worth playing.

Chicago Bears — Justin Fields: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2

I mean, yeah. This tracks, right?

Cincinnati Bengals — Joe Burrow: Diablo IV

It’s a premiere franchise title that is basically guaranteed to be successful. But still, you just can’t see it ever winning Game of the Year, can you?

Cleveland Browns — Deshaun Watson: Unknown

Deshaun Watson’s Steam profile is private. Frankly, I don’t want to do any more research than that.

Denver Broncos — Russell Wilson: Hogwarts Legacy

Hogwarts Legacy is currently the best selling game of the year.

Detroit Lions — Jared Goff: The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time

Goff has always loved Navi. Just having a guide with him at all times, telling him exactly what to do, is something that brings him enormous comfort. He became completely lost and immediately ran off a cliff when he tried to play Breath of the Wild.

Dallas Cowboys — Dak Prescott: Red Dead Redemption 2

Apparently, Dak takes this game dead seriously. He just loves Westerns and wants to live in one. He even insists his teammates refer to him as “Hoss,” though few of them actually do so. Mike McCarthy calls him “Huss” at least twice a day. It’s unclear whether that’s an accidental slip-up or not.

Green Bay Packers — Jordan Love: Mass Effect Andromeda

Love says that while he appreciates the merits of the original Mass Effect trilogy, he likes the fresh take that Andromeda brought to the series.

Houston Texans — C.J. Stroud: Minecraft

Stroud runs his own server. He has a very strict “no swearing” rule.

Indianapolis Colts — Anthony Richardson: Roblox

Richardson had created several popular games in Roblox and had earned a few hundred dollars from them before he was drafted. After he signed with the Colts, Roblox developers learned that he was associated with a union and banned him from the game.

Jacksonville Jaguars — Trevor Lawrence: No Man’s Sky

Everyone was hyping the hell out of this game, only to be tremendously disappointed when it was released in a seemingly unfinished state. Lawrence stuck it out through all the updates, though, and is enjoying an excellent space-adventure game in 2023.

Kansas City Chiefs — Patrick Mahomes: The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

There are plenty of people who call this the best Zelda game of all time. Of course, there is a vocal contingent who say that it doesn’t count because it does things differently than the earlier games. I guess only time will tell.

Las Vegas Raiders — Jimmy Garoppolo: The Sims 4

Garoppolo reportedly spends his offseasons creating and playing as a multitude of hideous Sims in order to learn what life is like for a “Uggos.” His words, not mine.

Los Angeles Chargers — Justin Herbert: Dave the Diver

Justin Herbert is on record cursing his talent as a football player. He states he would rather be a diver for a fresh-caught sushi restaurant. Dave the Diver is his only outlet until he retires.

Los Angeles Rams — Matthew Stafford: The Witcher 3

Stafford has been a fan of CD Projekt Red for a while. He was super into the first two Witcher games, even when they were niche titles that didn’t perform too well with a general audience. After the success of the third game, he now has to deal with the disappointment that is Cyberpunk 2077.

Miami Dolphins — Tua Tagovailoa: Fall Guys

Get it? Because of the concussions?

Minnesota Vikings — Kirk Cousins: StarCraft II

You’d never know it from what the media reports, but Kirk Cousins is a solid StarCraft player. Like, low-ish Diamond tier. He weirdly relies on the queue way too much for a player of his caliber, but has good actions per minute.

New England Patriots — Mac Jones: Halo Infinite

The heir to a legendary franchise, Halo Infinite has been deemed underwhelming by many. That hasn’t been a problem for Jones, who says he believes the game will improve over time so long as it has steady leadership.

New Orleans Saints — Derek Carr: Super Monkey Ball

Carr is very vocal about the fact that he only likes the first couple of titles that were released on the GameCube. After that, he says that they totally screwed up Monkey Target. He is correct.

New York Giants — Daniel Jones: New Horizons

Jones becomes visibly excited if you ask him about his Animal Crossing island. He will eagerly tell you about his “friends.” It is apparent that he cycles through neighbors regularly, though he favors Jock-type Villagers, as he likes to, “talk sports,” with them.

New York Jets — Aaron Rodgers: Orwell: Keeping an Eye on You

Rodgers claims this is the most important game of all time, but if pressed, it becomes increasingly clear that he has never played it.

Philadelphia Eagles — Jalen Hurts: God of War Ragnarök

Hurts loves this game. He really thought it should have won Game of the Year. His greatest disappointment of the past year is that Elden Ring beat it for most awards.

Pittsburgh Steelers — Kenny Pickett: Ark: Survival Evolved

An extended Early Access period led to lots of hype and hope, but the actual product has been disappointing so far.

San Francisco 49ers — Brock Purdy: Among Us

It was kind of a nothing game at first that was only given a chance for success due to extraordinary circumstances. Turns out, it’s awesome! That’s very lucky for Purdy, who has been a fan all along.

Seattle Seahawks — Geno Smith: Street Fighter 6

Finding release in fighting games is what allowed Smith to become a franchise quarterback.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers — Baker Mayfield: RollerCoaster Tycoon

Mayfield spends most hours of the day playing RollerCoaster Tycoon. He has tried multiple times to sell the advertising rights to his virtual theme parks.

Tennessee Titans — Ryan Tannehill: Star Wars: The Old Republic

Oh shit! I forgot The Old Republic was still around! Yeah, it’s always been an okay game.

Washington Commanders — Sam Howell: Friday the 13th: The Game

This game has been nearly crippled due to ownership issues, but apparently Howell is still making the most of it.

Clayfighters Turn Into Claylovers After Locking Eyes Halfway Through Bout

Posted on September 11, 2023 by Joe Rumrill

FREEZING FORTRESS — A pair of characters in the N64 cult-classic Clayfighter 63 ⅓ went from being Clayfighters to Claylovers after making unmistakably flirtatious eye contact in the middle of a round, sources confirmed while clearly deciding whether to look away or get a better vantage point.

“I was about to unleash a vicious ‘Snow Plow’ move against my ghoulish opponent, when our eyes met, mine of coal, and his etched into a rotting pumpkin,” said Bad Mr. Frosty, while he welled up with tears that quickly turned to ice cubes. “After that, I couldn’t resist and had to let passion take over. Good thing we’re both made of clay, for we were certainly melded together that night.”

When asked to comment on the impromptu makeout session, Bad Mr. Frosty’s opponent Ickybod Clay waxed poetic.

“For so long, be it by Ecto Ball or tossing my own decaying jack-o-lantern head, I have been blessed with the ability to scare my adversaries” he opined, while bobbing back and forth because no one was using the controller. “But I had never been able to confront the one thing that truly scared me: unbridled physical passion for another clay being.”

Throwback Twitch gamer Razzputin, who was playing the game while the inciting incident took place, was decidedly less florid in their recollection.

“Ground my stream to a screeching halt, I’ll tell you that much. Everybody wanted me to stop my commentary so they could focus on the two clay freaks getting it on.” said the distraught gamer, who will only be sitting in regular, non-gaming chairs for the foreseeable future, in an act of defiance. “I knew I should have just fired up Glover instead. A.G.G, man…Always Go Glover. Now THAT little guy’s not making love to ANYbody.”

At press time, the two Claylovers lost the spark of passion when they rolled just a little too close to disgusting unlockable character Boogerman, who leered just a bit too long.